This lamotrigine taper has been having a nasty effect on my moods. I have been really depressed on and off since it started but i was depressed before i started the taper anyway. So how much is the taper and how much is just well me? It's hard to say but since ive started the taper i have actually seriously contimplated suicide any number of times and for days in a row for the first time in a long ass time. So long i can't really remember to be honest. The depression i can handle but that feeling like im on the edge of killing myself is beyond scary. The gun, rope, etc are always in the back of my mind when im like that.
What is always in the front of my mind when im in one of these episodes is that old voice saying "your useless your shit beyond shit, nothing but a fucked up useless druggie that noone could possibly love. Your close friends are lying to you when they say they really love you they only say that to make you feel better so they don't have to listen to you complaing about how miserable you are. That girl that you love so much does not really love you and has been lying to you all these years and no doubt she will dump your sorry ass when you move up there. So why don't you just kill yourself and do everyone around you and the world a favour". That is what keeps repeating itself in my head like a thought loop during these episodes. The voice actually sounds like some of my family members when they have ragged on me over the years and believe it or not they have said pretty much everything that the voice says as well. Kinda sad when you think about the fact that your own family and your mom when shes in one of her manic/borderline personality disorder moments or fuck knows what she has moments would actually say such things. But it is true
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I have been getting mixed states as well which thankfully don't last long but they last long enough where i can hurt myself either by cutting up my arm or punching a wall until my knuckles are a bloody mess or both. I have also been getting more manic as of late and that is very bad for both me and my bank account. I make really stupid decisons when manic and afterwards i say to myself wtf was i thinking. Mixed state episodes and manic episodes impair my judgement sometimes to where i think i don't really need that anti-psychotic 8) . Yeah sure i don't.
So how have i been handling this? Like any self respecting addict i have been getting and trying to stay as high as possible on my morphine and dilaudid. I don't feel as much in the nods or when im really high. Well i don't feel the bad feelings as much anyway. No depression, no mania and no misery. Or not as much atleast
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
. Too bad that my tolerance grows to the point where it's damn near impossible to catch any real euphoria from opiates even with the potentiators.
So after awile they just fail to keep the black dog away. This just leads me to use more and more when im feeling down and the more depressed i am the easier it is to justify that extra dose. Not that it honestly NEEDS justifying because if you have been in that position before you know anything that will help even a tiny little bit is worth taking no matter what the fuck happens later.
Anyone who says that mental pain isint as bad as physical pain is a fucking idiot and a cunt. My mom as much as i love her often get's on with stuff like "your not doing anything to help yourself" or "your not doing anything to help your situation" and the most famous line of all that really boils my fucking piss "you like feeling this way and thats why you don't pull yourself out of it"
. My god how can someone who has actually suffered from depression and still does mind ya say that? Obviously years of watching oprah and oprah's little bitch dr.phil or farmer phil as i like to call him along with all those self help books have caused severe brain damage.
I think i will actually start taking that risperdal everyday like i should as that may help. Ive also started back on wellbutrin after a hiatus so that should work in a few days. I will take the risperdal tonight but only after i get high off this morphine of course. I can't miss out on hours and hours of nodding in and out blankly staring at the TV or walls even. Someone looking at me would think im feeling nothing but bliss when im high. How little they know.
