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I'm full of anger, hatred and rage. I thought these feelings were finally leaving. I had been so at peace recently and I remember it felt nice.

These thoughts I have are violent. I want to hurt someone. I want to unleash.

Someone's got to pay. There must be repercussions.

Its not helping writing about it.

I just feel hate like I haven't felt in a long time.

I'll try to stop thinking and try to convince myself that this doesn't matter.

People are twisted pieces of shit and I hate them.

I feel nuts. Never wanted to be crazy. People always said I was but I thought they were joking. Maybe they see something I don't.

Tonight I'm gonna try to sleep without the help of any sedatives. No benzos, no zopiclone, no seroquel, and not even a puff of weed. I can't remember the last time I've had a natural non-drug-induced sleep, but maybe tonight I can finally pull it off. It's worth a try, I suppose. But if I seem grumpy and overtired tomorrow, you can probably assume that my experiment wasn't a resounding success.

Only going to write a few a day.... too tired to do it all at once. Though I might just say fuck it.
Some of my shit is depressing and should just stay in those books. Fuck it..... I'll just write what's on my current mind....if he finds them and is shallow enough to distroy them..... then he can sit on a pole and rotate with a 8" vibrating dagger attached at top.

I am not posting what years / dates these were written and for whom for a reason.

Not meant for those people, just for my own personal ponderings.

Some of the writings can be up to 20yrs old and some as recent as a week ago.

They are not in any order. Randomly just written on here.

No harpen or offense meant in any of it....even if they may sound..... Not as of yet....but just in case.... Lol

Tough exterior, bad ass attitude
soft eyes, soft touch
wishing you would let your guard down
I would never hurt you ever.
I wish you would trust me
even if I don;t understand.

who else hass the balls to take yo uas you are?

Who else won't leave when the "glory" of it all has faded. Who else has taken your shit plus more? Who else is a stubborn sadistic bitch? hmn?

I don't give up, It's not in my nature. Even if I have to keep trying for..... however long.

You're my breathe of fresh air, how could anything else do for me? Why would I settle for less?

I made assumptions that caused my own pain
I hope my assumptions were just paranoid thought untrue.
Things slowly working back
Slowly things back to then
not the same, but still so nice.

Feirce embrace went the hurt
Feirce embrace went the anger
Feirce embrace memories returned.

Less self worth and you got hurt
even now that my mind is more sound
I was worried...scared that..... GOD FORBID!

My heart still aches from all before
my soul battered and shattered
mental status unknown.
Used and abused
from all before
chance meeting, almost not
midnight conversations
information super highway
tense first meeting
probably not what you expected
you stayed around anyhow
heated solitary confrontation
even that second time
the third we could not contain.
Your words and touch so sweet
my frenzied mind became so afraid
not of you, your free spirited emotions
life and stupidity happens
words I wished I never said
words i wish i did say
things slightly different.

Normally I wouldn;t write online what I write in my journal. Only reason I am though is that at least if it gets found by -someone- and distroyed, then at least my thoughts aren;t lost.

Nothing I write is meant to offend of insinuate anything and some of it has nothing to do with anyone that anyone on here would know..... some of it ..... might.

It's my personal though, my intellectual property.

You can comment if you wish but I could care very little. Not meant to be rude or mean, just truth.

So yeah, anything said from my jornal entries, not meant to offend..... intentionally.

Im just "worried" my book will be found and distroyed soon..... I know it would be distroyed if found.....definately.....that's not being in the least paranoid..... just truth, cause Terry is LIKE that, nice huh? meh well.

Optimism can only last so long before worry sets in.

This lamotrigine taper has been having a nasty effect on my moods. I have been really depressed on and off since it started but i was depressed before i started the taper anyway. So how much is the taper and how much is just well me? It's hard to say but since ive started the taper i have actually seriously contimplated suicide any number of times and for days in a row for the first time in a long ass time. So long i can't really remember to be honest. The depression i can handle but that feeling like im on the edge of killing myself is beyond scary. The gun, rope, etc are always in the back of my mind when im like that.

What is always in the front of my mind when im in one of these episodes is that old voice saying "your useless your shit beyond shit, nothing but a fucked up useless druggie that noone could possibly love. Your close friends are lying to you when they say they really love you they only say that to make you feel better so they don't have to listen to you complaing about how miserable you are. That girl that you love so much does not really love you and has been lying to you all these years and no doubt she will dump your sorry ass when you move up there. So why don't you just kill yourself and do everyone around you and the world a favour". That is what keeps repeating itself in my head like a thought loop during these episodes. The voice actually sounds like some of my family members when they have ragged on me over the years and believe it or not they have said pretty much everything that the voice says as well. Kinda sad when you think about the fact that your own family and your mom when shes in one of her manic/borderline personality disorder moments or fuck knows what she has moments would actually say such things. But it is true .

I have been getting mixed states as well which thankfully don't last long but they last long enough where i can hurt myself either by cutting up my arm or punching a wall until my knuckles are a bloody mess or both. I have also been getting more manic as of late and that is very bad for both me and my bank account. I make really stupid decisons when manic and afterwards i say to myself wtf was i thinking. Mixed state episodes and manic episodes impair my judgement sometimes to where i think i don't really need that anti-psychotic 8) . Yeah sure i don't.

So how have i been handling this? Like any self respecting addict i have been getting and trying to stay as high as possible on my morphine and dilaudid. I don't feel as much in the nods or when im really high. Well i don't feel the bad feelings as much anyway. No depression, no mania and no misery. Or not as much atleast . Too bad that my tolerance grows to the point where it's damn near impossible to catch any real euphoria from opiates even with the potentiators.

So after awile they just fail to keep the black dog away. This just leads me to use more and more when im feeling down and the more depressed i am the easier it is to justify that extra dose. Not that it honestly NEEDS justifying because if you have been in that position before you know anything that will help even a tiny little bit is worth taking no matter what the fuck happens later.

Anyone who says that mental pain isint as bad as physical pain is a fucking idiot and a cunt. My mom as much as i love her often get's on with stuff like "your not doing anything to help yourself" or "your not doing anything to help your situation" and the most famous line of all that really boils my fucking piss "you like feeling this way and thats why you don't pull yourself out of it" . My god how can someone who has actually suffered from depression and still does mind ya say that? Obviously years of watching oprah and oprah's little bitch dr.phil or farmer phil as i like to call him along with all those self help books have caused severe brain damage.

I think i will actually start taking that risperdal everyday like i should as that may help. Ive also started back on wellbutrin after a hiatus so that should work in a few days. I will take the risperdal tonight but only after i get high off this morphine of course. I can't miss out on hours and hours of nodding in and out blankly staring at the TV or walls even. Someone looking at me would think im feeling nothing but bliss when im high. How little they know.

The last few days have been rough. I've been dealing with my depression pretty hard. I've been going through a lot of stress with everything in my life.
Today I got off of the phone with my car insurance company, I found out that my car was set on fire, and caused a big mess about 60 miles.
Black outs suck, I don't remember setting it on fire. Now I have that to deal with, and on top of that I've been feeling really low about my self here lately. I've been cutting almost every day, starving myself, and avoiding people. I have no phone, and the only way that I'm contacting my mom is through facebook.

Also I want to say that I ended up in jail the night my car exploded. and a week before that I drank 2 bottles of evan williams, and called my mom told her that I knocked some girl up. She was pissed, and going to jail fucking topped it off. Not only that they came and took my other car, so I'm carless now, once again.

Stupid shit like this is making me get closer, and closer to suicide. How many times I think about it, how I think about who would show up, and who would stay. I've got fucking problems.

I need help, and help cost's money, and money isn't something I have right now.
-Drew

i am rather sure i have made a similar post in the past, but i need to vent. i can not stand my family... family being the people i am related to by blood, not james or even my extended family...

i decided to stay in seattle for thanksgiving but i called home today to see how everyone was doing. the first thing my mom did was bitch about how long it has been since i last called. i said she could have called me, and she went off on this long rant about how i think my life here is way more important and she didn't want to bother me blah blah blah.

it drives me crazy because my friends are fine with a several month gap in talking to me. they never question how important they are to me, or what their place is. they are just there because that how friends are.

So I've been in Cambodia the past few months... having a grand ol time doing a lot of nothing.I did manage to study enough Khmei to make it worth the effort. The language is a beast in some respects, but very simple in other aspects. Trying to speak with the rural people doesn't work so well...
I've been doing dope everyday, three to four times a day. Good dope. The kind that any junkie would die for. And cheap too. So amazingly cheap. Dozens of times cheaper than possible in the west. Now I'm done... i've run out and I'm not doing any more. ever. I'm about 24 hours from last dose. NOt too far into withdraw, I know... But I can't do anymore anyway... I'm starting a 24 hour aeroplane journey in less than 55 hours. Nothing I can do about it after that.With enough xanax and immodium, tylenol, and benadryl I'll have to battle this shit. It's really not bad at all though, feeling OK for now. Drinking plenty of water, feeling a bit sore and restless but nothing else of notice. Hopefully it doesn't get too much worse.
I'm tired of having that fucking drug in my body, the drug controlling all of my actions... fuck that. it's a ball and chain. I don't want it. I'll suffer now to prevent a life of fucking suffering, if I even did live to thirty as a heroin addict....
I was looking at the bluelight shrine, reading through PhreeX's thread again, and lookign at the picture thread. I don't want to be in the bluelight shrine, and that's what would happen one day, some how... not me.
Anyway, when Iget back to the states I've got some very cool things going on. Can't fuck any of that up right now, not for stupid things. There's too much at stake this time..

http://www.eveningstar.co.uk/conten...=xDefault&itemid=IPED26 Nov 2009 16:05:34:333


just read this, made my stomach churn.
that is the true meaning of amphetamine psycosis and with it the last straw for mephedrone

say bye bye to the drone

Went picking with my mates over the past 2 months and managed to find around 1000 liberty caps all together at local playing fields!

This all came about due to a strange encounter outside my local live music venue, where two men who had just been to a wedding reception dressed in smart suits wandered up to the hill where me and my mates where having some k and smoking waiting for the gig to start.

We thought they would just walk straight by, but they undid their top buttons, sat down on a log with us, whipped out a glass pipe and starting toking on some hash. We exchanged some hash for ket and got to talking. They told us about where to pick libbies and due to this we are going to be sorted for late September to early November for years to come for the expense of a 50p bus journey a mile up the road and an hour out of my day!

Mint condish.

fuck the chair pilots! they fucked up everything, now plans and other details are wrong and we're winging something under equipped and under manned.

fuck you and your desk job. you fuck up, you should join us on the pointy tip. you dipshit.

well, BL...if all goes well, talk to ya'll soon. rangrz is off to work.

I knew I was in for it when I decided to drink for a couple of nights in a row. You see, I have a chronic anxiety problem. 24/7 I feel the physical manifestation of anxiety and tension. With alcohol, if I drink for more than one day, after it wears off... I get severe anxiety, with hypnogogagic hallucinations when trying to sleep. Either it's just anxiety, or it's withdrawal.

So I decided to head off to my usual stomping grounds... the ER. They know me well, I've been there plenty of times for drug related anxiety problems and overdoses, they knew my history. I went ahead and over exaggerated alcohol withdrawals, the goal this time around, was to win me some Valium. (For me, benzos work well on my anxiety, plus I was terrified of the possibility that I really was going through withdrawals from alcohol, so Valium was perfect.)
The doctor immediately came in and glared at me with "YOU'RE NOT GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWALS!"

Well he went on to playing the psychologist role and started asking what I was really worried about. I told him seizures and shit, and that I also have been going through an existential crisis for the past year. He called in a therapist of some sort... who is starting to become one really good friend (you'll find out why later).

I went through hundreds upon hundreds of questions. Until finally the therapist asked the nurse if the doc could give me meds for my little problem. Fascinating, after a little wait, the nurse walked back in with a script for Valium. Unbelievable. I was jumping for joy inside, but on the outside I played oblivious. I went home very satisfied.

So now this therapist of mine is asking all sorts of questions every time I go to see her, I'm to see a psychiatrist soon also for medication to treat anxiety. Well unbelievably, this therapist is actually LEAVING OUT my substance and alcohol abuse history when entering in all of my information in her computer (which is networked), just so I can get the "proper meds" for my anxiety. Wow. Talk about making my life easier eh?

Now, while yes I am "drug seeking", and yes there is a bit of diversion going on... no I'm not looking to actually get high on benzos. As a matter of fact, in spite of the deadly and uncomfortable withdrawal syndrome associated with them, and the other problems that can arise... I actually want to be put on these meds long term. SO MAYBE FOR ONCE, I can live anxiety free for more than a couple of days. I'm honestly scared to try antidepressants anyways.

So I'm not totally sure of what I should do when I go in to see the Pdoc... Benzos? Antidepressants? Both?!?!?! Well, I may give the Antidepressants an honest shot, they might really work. But knowing that benzos for sure will do it... it's just a struggle to decide. Well just thought it would be an interesting story for everyone to read, I kinda would like input too. No this is not a "how to fool doctors" guide. It's legit.

Mushrooms, Left to Right: Three Coplendia Cyanescens, One Mutant P. Cubensis, Three Psilocybe Cubensis

Chemical Vials, Left to Right: 13.5mg 4-HO-DMT (Psilocin,) One MDMA Tablet (Tan Star,) 33mg Mescaline HCL

Man oh man, imagine the day of fun you could have with all of this stuff?! This belonged to a chemistry student friend of mine. He told me that when he has his own apartment one day, he plans to hang this on the wall and put a sign below it stating:
"Break glass in the event of an emergency."

11:10 AM
My new projected discharge date is September 7th.

I have a cool roommate. He's a skinhead from the penitentiary. He isn't racist. He was/is only skin for survival in the prison. We're pretty tight and have each other's backs. He's in here with his girl. I respect that they're getting clean together. When the other roommate isn't around I stand watch outside the room so he and his girl can get their affection on.

My therapist said that I'm scheduled for the 8:00 PM meeting that outsiders attend. Finally! Experience, strength and hope from people who have some good clean time. She also has me scheduled to see the psychiatrist so I can attend meetings outside the facility.

I'm noticing that I'm intentionally making myself angry. I was tempted to put my cigarette out on myself again but didn't.

The other day I gave a dude a pack of smokes. He said he'd give me $5 on the first. I hear that he's a scammer so I need to let him know that I get violent when people take advantage of my kindness. If he tries to fuck me over, he needs to realize that he's gonna have to beg or borrow to pay me back. If he doesn't than he's gonna get fuckin' hurt.

5:15 PM
I had my first full hour of volunteering in the computer lab. It was cool but people just want to make greeting cards and shit. That's cool though. Doing simple things like that alleviates some of the fears some folks have about computers. I had them laughing and it felt good.

I had my first real group therapy session today. It wasn't too bad. I told my therapist in group that I was staring at the fat veins on her feet. Veins are a trigger for me so I gotta figure something out about that.

I just realized that my discharge date is on Labor Day. No big deal. I plan on hangin' with my dog all day and maybe gettin' laid. Probably won't be gettin' laid on that Monday but sometime that week.

Time to do some push-ups.

Oh! When I got here I weighed in at 174 lbs. I had dinner at 4:45 and weighed myself at 5:45. I weigh 176 lbs. I'm 5'11" so... whatever that means.

10:10 PM
We had a unit meeting at 8:00 tonight. My therapist told me earlier that I was scheduled to go to a 12 Step meeting that outsiders come to. I was later told that I WASN'T on the list. I was disappointed and angry. It all worked out because there were a few on the list that didn't want to go so I got to go.

I also met with the psychiatrist tonight. He asked why I took myself off the Paxil. I'm done with drugs. ALL drugs. He frowned and said that the depression may come back. No shit, jackass! I gotta learn how to deal with it in a healthy, natural manner.

I MAY not suffer from depression (in the clinical sense). The drugs definitely contributed to my suicidal behaviors and thoughts. We'll see. If it gets bad, I'm currently in a safe place. If it happens when I'm not here then I'll check myself into the State Hospital.

My ex takes 2 - 2mg a night. I take 0.5mg twice a day. 0.5mg has done shit for me, nothing at all, and I am serious, that's not the addictive personality talking.

I keep wondering if I take the 2mg of my ex's would it make much difference cause I take some days 4 anyhow. Plus it would save me a lecture from my doctor...

This has me seriously thinking...

Only would do it when the ex is around and awake and coharent, just in case....

Just has me wondering tonight.


I wanna get fucked up, seriously fucked up but nothing that is gonna make me wish I wanna die when i come down and nothing by needle and nothing TOO hardcore. I know.... retarded shit huh? I wanna get fucked but I'm so picky. Like I could never do crack....nothing against crack users but I watched my family suffer the addiction for 20yrs and how fucked they are. I can't chance getting hooked on that shit.

I just want to buzz out and be fucked up for a few hrs. Just once. Just to know what its like. To FTW and let me just be me. To do it with someone I trust most, so I KNOW would seek help if need be.

I dunno..... I guess the addictive personality is coming out in me again.

Sober for almost 2 months from alcohol and smoking have been clean for years with slight slip last month.

I dunno.... I just wanna get fucked up one night with someone totally awesomeness cool that I trust.

Bah, I feel like shit, I got laringitis and I barely aten all day besides fudgesciles.

I better go eat....

I was sitting drinking and smoking in the kitchen with two friends last night when another lodger in this house came downstairs.

This guy is named shaun, and he claims to be Jamacian despite being born and bred in Kingston, LONDON, ENGLAND, the same town his mum and dad were born in.

Shaun rarely leaves his room lately, unless he visits the bookies or the 24 hour shop and he usually struggles to get dressed beyond a filthy dressing gown or a pair of old and cheap boxer shorts.

He's whiplash thin, and seems to subsist on a daily meal of two boiled eggs, usually prepared about 2 in the afternoon, right after his one hour daily bath. After this he drinks Nigerian Guinness,Tennents Purple tin or Kestrel Lager.

He has the speech patterns and movement of a crackhead and the bad-taste-bastard has yet to wash anything in three months since he rented his room from us.

All this and the waste still comes down to the kitchen bitching about how some shopkeeper had "pushed" one of his kids and shouted at another.

As he told the story it became evident that his kids and four of their little friends had gone into a sweet shop while roaming the street, as they apparently do during the evenings, before sitting on the owners shelving, playing music on their phones and being rude.

The shopkeeper banged one of them over the ear and forcibly threw them out at which point this tool's daughter went and found a poilce to report the shopkeeper to - and the story went on, and on, and on . . .

He's moralising about how "That shopkeeper had no right to touch my kid" rah, rah, rah and then he said "no adult should ever speak to a kid, no adult should ever discipline a kid that isn't theirs" and "no adult should ever hit a kid"- at which point the rest of us are getting pissed off by the alky scarecrow in the dirty boxers wagging his finger at us and slurring from the corner of the kitchen - and we vehemently disagree.

I told him something like "that attitude will cause more shit than it helps" and my two mates (Nigeria and South Africa) testify about about any adult whipping them if they were fucking around.

Then he said " but P, I know my little girl, I know she's not out theiving shit" when really he don't know shit, because he's a fucking flaky bastard who's not seen her in six months except to hand her some money and fuck off again.

So we said "maybe, or maybe it's a peer thing, maybe they just doing it to see how far they can go" to which he answers "No, No, because I'd whip their asses, and they know it, P"!!!!!!

So I said " But you can't touch kids nowdays, CAN YOU Shaun??"

And said "That's it P"

Stupid Bastard.

That was just one time in five minutes, he contradicted himself about ten more times in succession right then. Fucking agitation.

When I walk in the door I see my dog's face, his happiness, his innocence.

All the sick people, all the bad situations, all the horrible acts fade to insignificance.

His gentle, loving nature, his purity, simply makes everything okay.

I wanted to protect. I wanted to avenge. I wanted blood.

Innocence makes this go away.

I've been craving badly today, and when I get cravings my mind tends to wander. I have very little money at the moment, and this evening I found myself entertaining the idea of robbing someone at an ATM. How simple it would be... to watch them withdraw some cash, rush up behind them, pull out my switchblade, and demand that they hand it over. But then I snapped out of it. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking? I'm trying to get back on the right track - not land myself in a fucking jail cell!

Nice try, meth monster.

I'm task saturated, my nerves are pretty edgy seeing that plane waiting for us, so I figure I'd blog some basic SOF techniques.

I'll start with some of the qualities we look for in a new operator.
#1 is intelligence. 90% of the fight is mental, and with such small units high risk, technical operations and no support on station, you have nothing to fall back on but fast thinking.
#2 trouble makers. This isn't a game for the meek, and nor always do written policy and orders meet up with actually doing the job, so we like spunk and attitude.
#3 aggression. Not in dumb bully way, but you need to be able do nasty things to people sometimes, which requires aggression.
#4 a hint of elitism and never give up/no failure mind set.
#5 constant self improvement, learning, working out, making friends...something positive for you that you hunt down.
#6 fatalism and acceptance of death and dying, killing others to save some, and generally comfortable around the morbid, macabre and ghastly.
finally...humor! fuck if you can't laugh in this job, your dead already.....y so srs? lets...put a smile on that face! *whips out combat knife*

What quirks do me and my brick (squad) share? We all abuse stimulants. We all crack jokes at bad times. We all love eminem. We're all bad with girls...probably as we come off cold as steel sliding into your kidney. We're all willing to take huge risks, greater still if its to help someone.

now for some generic tactics and training. situation airmobile insertion for a CQB area multi hostage rescue....The airmobile insertion is generally fast roping from a heli. That takes balls. you're wearing 125 pounds of gear, sliding down a rope with just muscle power, while helpless to enemy fire. Hitting the roof/deck/street/ect. all op's do a 360 clear and adopt their fire sectors. Nearly instantly, the team enters the inside of the structure. Usually with a lot of things like smoke, CS gas, stinger grenades and flashbangs, to stun and confuse the enemy. ditto, we dont go though doors. breeching charges and walls/floors/ceilings, element of surprise. all/any persons interfering with the hostage rescue are to be killed with extreme prejudice and haste. gun fire must be very precise. Loss of hostages due to friendly fire is beyond failure, its another dimenson of urdoinitrong gtfo my /jtf/. This often leads to CQB hostage rescue relying on knives, balls and heavy body armour....leading to it being a very nasty affair. However, as always, weapons and optics are beyond reproach. A selection of gear that would make gun nut jealous. As is all other equipment. Money is a non factor. be it gun fire/edged weapons/blugedoning the OPFOR to death, we now have the hostages. some require subduing to the shock of the whole scene and situation. Pain compliance holds and zip cuffs
being typical. At this point, we put as of our ballistic gear on the hostages as feasible and show them quickly how use one of OPFORs weapons should the need arise.

then we exfiltrate with the hostages. it might be easy, an airmobile exfil from a ship, or hard, over land 100's of KM's fighting along the way. We try to attend to injured hostages ASAP and injured op's second. every member is medically trained to at least EMR level (EMT-B) one is an MD and I'm a critical care level EMT with military specific training re: non sterile environment, limited equipment and meds and dealing with trauma injuries such as gunshots and blasts, and the psychological ones such as combat stress reaction, PTSD, disassociation that are very common in our environment.

I'll write more when I get back if people have intrest. just, the basic SOF indoc course is 8 months long and its alot of shit to write, so if you want more, poke me in a direction/topic. I don't wanna rewrite the 1200 pages of handouts and endless power points that I learned off of, and then helped update.

heading to bed for thanksgiving... watched the bloodbath that is Ninja Assassin this evening- no brain involved in watching that flick, all swords and mutilation. Moving in with Teh_girlfriend saturday, all day friday to recover from thanksgiving dinners with my family and hers... carrying A's in my classes into finals... getting along quite well at work, although being a social worker is getting old after 4 years in it- but just a few years from now I'll have my m.b.a. and can move on to much more interesting things than trying to help people through the metaphorically doorway.

hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday, grateful this evening for all the amazing bluelight people that I was talking to when I was going through college the last time around... especially the ones who I still hear from time to time