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I wanted for once have a sort of pic blog..


Enjoy the Story...

Usually most nights turn about like this:




Yes, yes.. faded with my Smokey Snack (as my *venus* fondly calls it lol) WIN!

But Tonight is the Sami---- eeee---- claus!!





MMMMMMMmmmmMmMmmm Good Ol' 14%:






Yes.. bright eye'd and ready to go....

So it's 5:41am now, and I've gone another night with zero sleep. My sleep is so, so messed up. I stay up all day, and all night, and catch a shut eye in the shower for maybe 5 minutes at a time, and I'm completly sober, so its nothing like I'm under the influence on anything.
I take it my anxiety is coming in stronger, and it's pushing my insomia out more and more, after a while the brain cant function and starts to trick it's self into sleep, and I'm at the point where I'm hearing knocks and bangs.
I know they are real, well atleast they sound real, but for now I feel safe locked away here in my room.
I'm not sure what is all in store for me tommorow, I have no idea. There are so many things that can happen that will set me back in everything.
Such as jail, I don't want to go but It may be the only way out in this case.
I'm confused, oh so verry confused what to do. I have some ideas in what I want to do, but I will save that for my next blog.
I just hope something happens quick before anything else bad happens.
--------------

day 76, and i aint got that itch....Not for now at least. it aint about that no more. it stopped bein about bein clean a little while ago. now its just about livin life. if i do use ill enjoy it and put it down the next day, back to real life. cuz it aint about dope, or about not doin dope. shit aint even a issue. i got far enough past the attatchment, the pull that it had on me. now that need is gone and so is the burning desire for more. its about breakin the hold it has on you. now that its gone im free, to do wat i want, and if that is to get high cuz its my birthday, or christmas, or my 6 month clean date, thats cool with me cuz i know that the pattern aint gonna be the same no more, the spell been broken, that dope demon aint possessing my spirit no more, i got other things on my mind and my heart & soul is strong enough to hold its own against the d without gettin consumed by it. im happy now but ill give myself more credit when i eventually use and stay clean afterwards than just not usin at all. its easy to say no or yes always. bein able to say no 99 percent of the time is alot harder. once i do that is when i really know i made it thru. my life aint gonna be about denying my self a pleasure that i like to indulge in its about the fact that my life is full enough n strong enough on its own that i dont need to "indulge" everyday to survive mentally n physically and that i am stronger n wiser enough now to be able to make it a lil "treat" for my self and not a repeat treat.

its ok to have fun sometimes but theres a difference between that and living a completely unreal heroin dream stumbling thru the clouds lost in a maze of vices and suffering . that aint somethin i plan to go back into. i got past all that, i broke the obsession and the crazy intensity of the feelings i had for diesel...now, i could take it or leave it. and for now im leavin it, but im sure ill take it sooner or later and enjoy my one for old times sake, but the need n desire to keep going after that is gone. my view is changing and i dont see it all from junkie eyes these days....

1) The heache in the morn.... OW!

2) The shitty mean things you write are bad, and you'll feel shitty come morning.

3)The "high" wasn't the best to begin with.

If I talked to you last night and was rude.... my apologies.

rangrz my sweets, im sorry for being a cunt. I hope you read my emails and bluelight PM.

why can one day be so much fun and you feel so good, but then the next day you just feel like absolute shit? y'know, I just don't get it, and one of the worst problems is that a lot of people around me that have been supporting me for so long don't get it either. I mean sure, they understand I'm an addict so I'm going to have a different mentality. but a lot of the time I feel like I can't even explain myself the person closest to me, my best friend, girlfriend, future wife. I can't make her understand my thought process.

*sigh* I suppose its partially because of our different worlds. she's born and raised in an upper-middle class area, and I was from lower-middle class. while that doesn't sound like that big of a difference, but somehow her brain works is just so different from mine... ironically she grew up with her parents being alcoholics and her father smoking crack very often. while I grew up with a single mother, who drank quite a bit, but never had a real problem with it in the sense that she could act like a decent human being while hammered.

so I grow up in a "normal", stable, loving home. she comes from violent, alcoholic parents, one of which leaves pretty often for entire weekends for crack binges. yet I become this drug addict who can't keep his life on track, while she ends up in college on track to become a fucking DOCTOR.

W T F?

I'm struggling with my benzo addiction at the moment. Actually, I have been for a while. I was prescribed 0.5mg's of clonazepam a day when I was 18 for anxiety and social phobia, and have been taking it every day since. Six years later, I'm now up to 4-6mg a day. I've also been on a number of hypnotics, on and off over the years, including temazepam. I'll admit, I'm addicted to them - both physically and mentally. I crave it, I need it to function, and of course, I need it to prevent the hellish withdrawals (the convulsions once nearly killed me).

From time to time I do exceed my prescribed dose and abuse them, especially if I'm depressed and need to numb my feelings for a few hours, or if I just wanna relax and chill out. I know this isn't good. My girlfriend, Lydia, has been suggesting that I switch my clonazepam across to diazepam so I can taper it down more easily and eventually quit. I know she is right, but to be honest, I'm scared.

I've been carrying a bottle of clonazepam around with me for 6 years, popping a pill whenever I need it (or whenever I want it), and I'm scared to part with it. In fact, I'm terrified. I know my tolerance will continue to get higher and higher with time, and I know I will eventually need to taper down with diazepam (Lydia knows what she's talking about, and I really do appreciate her advice and support with this) but I guess I'm just scared to take that big step. Despite all the damage they are causing me, I still love my clonaz and my mazzies. I don't want to love them, but I do. I just can't help it.

Hello everyone,

In the past couple of months, Blogs has grown quite a bit. As well, we've been able to make a few changes to the appearance and functioning of the area. I'd like to draw everyone's attention to the Posting Guidelines, as they are a relatively new addition and as they aren't as visible as in other forums.

It's not as though we've had any big problems with posters, but rather I think that it is best that everyone is aware of the guidelines that ocean and I use to moderate the area. As well, this would be an excellent place to discuss the guidelines.

I've quoted the guidelines verbatim below. Please give them a read before making your next post, and do feel free to comment on them here.

Thanks!

Hi! Welcome to Bluelight Blogs. Please read the Blog Guidelines carefully before starting your own Bluelight Blog, or commenting in other Blogs.

The Bluelight User Agreement will be enforced at all times by the Blogs Mods. If the moderators feel something is breaching the guidelines, they will take the appropriate action to resolve the situation.

Blogs are a great place to discuss your thoughts and virtually anything goes as to what you say provided it is not offensive to other Bluelighters or isn't violating the Bluelight user agreement. For example, do not go into your blog naming other Bluelighters specifically by name or situation and calling attention to them in a demeaning way. This creates a lot of board drama and it abuses what Blogs is really about. If you feel you must express yourself in a derogatory manner about another bluelighter then please remember your blog does have a lock feature that will make it private and only you will have access to it.

If you feel the need to discuss another Bluelighter's actions you may not be happy with in your blog (it is your place to vent of course!) and you do not want to lock it then please do not make any reference to them specifically. Blogs does not want any Bluelighters to feel they are being misrepresented by one person's thoughts on them via the Blogs forum.

Comments are most certainly an invaluable source of advice to the blog owner. It's also a great place to get to know your fellow Bluelighters. Remember that we are a Blog Community and it's nice to give comments as well as receive them. We encourage the use of images in Blogs, however please keep them at a reasonable file size.

And although we realize from time to time it may be necessary for you to post multiple entries in your blog please try to limit them to three at a time up on the most current entry page. This isn't twitter

Thank you, we look forward to reading you.

Your Blogs Moderators,

ocean and Dave

(with many thanks to spork & *starfalls69* for a prior draft)

Click to expand...

Today began with me going to sleep around 10:00am, and waking up around 6:30pm. I missed a good football game pissed that my alarm clock didn't wake me up. I think I bashed it to many times.

At 6:30PM things were ok, my roomates were drinking, and were making a ruckus, and had the TV up really loud, so I went to check it out. They were drinking some mojitos (sp?) and green apple things in a bottle. I talked to my friend brandon on AIM and asked him if he had any Ramen Noodles, luckly he did, so thank god! He brought me over 3 packs of Pork flavored Ramen! I signed him in, and we came up to my dorm, and watched a movie with my drunk roomies, while I made the ramen (i was freekn hungry!)
When I was finished with ramen, my roomate asked if we wanted any cheetos. HELL YEAH I WANT CHEESY POOFS!!! So me and my friend brandon helped our selves, leaving our orange dust finger prints all over the fridge and sink lol.
Well I walked my friend back to his dorm and went back upstaris and helped my drunk roomates make a microwaveable cake. (IT WAS BOMB OMG! reeses cup cake stuff?) easy as fuck to make lol well for a sober person it was, but they couldnt do shit.
(tells me that i'm happy being sober )

So we put on a movie, some awesome chinese fighting movie. Oh yeah I'm also devouring this 15,1/2oz bag of cheestos. lol I ended up eating the entire bag throughout the movie!

Oh also I was given a half of a sweet potatoe pie,and 10 tv dinners. That was my highlight of the night. pretty cool
tonight has taken the guilt out of me for now, feels good to have a full tummy.

I have been in tears for days at the thought that I might loose my daughter to a man who beats her, a grandmother who's and alcoholic and I really dont know much about her uncle beyond he seems to have his own anger issues.

I need my bestfriend to help me go file for custody, I am scared shitless, I am gonna email you and ask..... even though Ive been a bitch to you today.

Im sorry.

I need you sweets, I am inches of losing my baby girl to an abusive jerk so don;t give a shit.

I really do need your help D.

I hope you will help me in ways of supporting me emotionally.

You are my bestfriend.....

How do I get close
When she looks like an angel
A moment of her time just seems impossible to me
Its hard to find the words
To get to know this stranger
Im scared of what shell say
If what I say sounds incomplete

And it feels like, we belong together
Can someone tell me where do I start?

Cause I cant keep on,
feeling the way I do
I cant keep on,
Hiding my heart from you
I gotta say something before
Someone else comes through
I cant keep on
Loving you, from a distance

Shes always on my mind
Theres no room left for thinking
Im tired of waiting, slowly fading
It needs to happen now (right now)
Cause Im running out of time
And I feel this ship is sinking
The doors are closing
I am frozen
I need her around

And it feels like, we belong together
Can someone tell me where do I start?

Cause I cant keep on,
feeling the way I do
And I cant keep on,
Hiding my heart from you
I gotta say something before
Someone else comes through
I cant keep on
Loving you, from a distance

From a distance
From a distance
From a distance

I cant hide

I cant keep on,
feeling the way I do
And I cant keep on,
Hiding my heart from you
I gotta say something before
Someone else comes through
Cause I cant keep on
Loving you,
I cant keep on
Loving you,
From a distance

Click to expand...

How can one even be a friend when you are pushing me away? Making me feel unwanted.
Might not be true, might not be your goal, but the way you've been acting.

How can friends be friends or whatever, when all i feel like is a burden in your way. How it feels like you wish I would just disappear and never bother you again.

Am I just a friend you keep for when you have no GOOD drugs, when no one else is free to hang out with.

Gawd, that sounds a little like a pitty friend. A back up plan.

Makes one feel extra special don't you think.

and here I call you my bestfriend.

and here I still AM in love with you, after everything, even rejection.

I must be fucking stupid.

You called me a sadist but I think I am more a mascohist, as I take everyone shit and keep on liking them and loving them dispite .... everything....

I guess I'm just a pathetic loser, ja?

deleted

New here, happy turkey weekend to all.:

I briefly studied Abraham Maslow in my psychology classes at university, and I found his ideas pretty interesting (although I'm generally not a fan of Humanist Psychology). Anyway, he created a hierarchy of needs, beginning with the most basic needs for survival, and ending with needs like identity and morality - "self actualisation". The higher needs are only achievable once the lower ones have been met.

I've been looking at the chart today, and wondering where exactly I might fit. I'd say I'm currently in the "Love/Belonging" stage, although there's definitely a few issues in the "Safety" stage that need addressing - like my health, my employment, and my property. It'll be interesting to see if I continue to climb the hierarchy as I recover and get my life back on track.

i wuz gunna clean muh house but den i gotz high, i wuz ginna do dam whole ting but den i got high.

now i sit here a dun give a fuck.

cuz im high
cuz im high
cuz im high




well really im coming down from a slight buzz..... might redose.....


yes i'll be careful

if not oh well..... free meal and bed and vacation for a night LOL


i kid i kid....



LOL



I am being silly and morbid. more big///// lol

mmmmm baby more big.....haha

silly me, cud u handle dat sweetheart? happy go-lucky...huggy....silly me......

could u hand;e moi?

haha

i wunder how fucked i be if i drank..... i cant i got no booze, so dont worry...... just wonderin....


i wanna get fucked up....i wanna nod out, sleep till noon and just enjoy an awesome weekend....

i need to get thje fuck away from dis lame place.....argh!

well i admit, i did have fun tday seein twilight: new moon movie.... that was cool.

ARGH! why is my meds making me HORNY! ergh!

ok, i need to get laid..... SOON! before i fucking go nuts...... its been so fucking long....LOL

That or I stop these pills that make me all horn dogged up LOL

fack LOL

i think more codeiene needed.... im losing my buzz.....

bbs.

A - Age: 29

B - Bed size: Depends who's bed!

C - Chore you hate: most of them.

D - Dogs or cats: I love both, but I think I'm more of a cat person.

E - Essential start your day item: My cocktail of medication.

F - Favorite color: Black.

G - Gold or Silver: Silver.

H - Height: 5' 5"

I - Instruments you play(ed): Guitar, Drums, Trumpet. Sucked at all.

J - Job Title: Bum.

K - Kids: 2, a almost 10yr old girl and a 4yr old boy.

L - Last movie seen: Pitch Black I think....Mmmmm, Vin Diesel.

M - Mum's name: Diane..... birth name was Ada May.

N - Nicknames: (dpends on who's talking to me) Rish, Rishie, Crevan, "Bensa" (short form for a macedonian fruit name - long story), Babe, Bru, Pretty Girl.

O - Overnight hospital stay other than childbirth (if applicable): Plenty... too many to list.

P - Pet Peeve: nothing much bothers me when sober. High on something, get that santa scroll out LOL

Q - Quote from a movie: "I have danced with a King before" "And I an englishwoman"

R - Right or Left Handed: I'm a righty 100%.

S - Scared of: Abandonment. Being Alone. Dying Alone. Having No one. No one caring. No one loving me. I have issues, go figure....

T - Time you wake up: Around 8am. Unless been hanging with my sexy man all night and then its "Sleep? What's sleep?" "Noon, lets sleep till noon and ftw!"

U - Under the water or Up in the air: Both.

V - Vegetable(s) you dislike: Love all foods.

W - Ways you run late: Internet, drugs, and general procrastination.

X - X-rays you've had: Chest x-ray and a few dental x-rays.

Y - Yummy food you make: All food I make is yummy, I can make just about anything!

Z - Zoo favorite: Big cats and Wolves.

I'd been searching for my cell phone all morning, and couldn't find it anywhere. I was starting to worry that I had dropped it when I was out walking last night. I decided to try calling it from my landline to see if I could hear it ring... and sure enough, I heard it somewhere in the house. I followed the sound and eventually located my cell phone inside the linen closet, sitting on a pile of sheets. WTF? The linen closet? I can't even remember using the fucking linen closet recently!

Meth make me lose brain cells.

A - Age: 24

B - Bed size: Depends who's bed!

C - Chore you hate: Hanging out the washing.

D - Dogs or cats: I love both, but I think I'm more of a cat person.

E - Essential start your day item: My cocktail of medication.

F - Favorite color: Purple and Black.

G - Gold or Silver: Silver.

H - Height: 5' 8"

I - Instruments you play(ed): The triangle is about the only instrument I can play.

J - Job Title: Bum.

K - Kids: Nope.

L - Last movie seen: I can't remember! It's been ages since I last saw a movie.

M - Mum's name: Not sayin'.

N - Nicknames: Sweet P, Babe, Crackhead (obviously depends who's talking to me!).

O - Overnight hospital stay other than childbirth (if applicable): Plenty... convulsions, delirium, overdoses, etc.

P - Pet Peeve: When my cell phone decides to suddenly run out of credit, especially when I need it most!

Q - Quote from a movie: "Who throws a cupcake? Honestly!" - Dr. Evil

R - Right or Left Handed: I'm a lefty.

S - Scared of: Abandonment.

T - Time you wake up: Around midday.

U - Under the water or Up in the air: Under water.

V - Vegetable(s) you dislike: Trees (broccoli).

W - Ways you run late: Internet, drugs, and general procrastination.

X - X-rays you've had: Chest x-ray and a few dental x-rays.

Y - Yummy food you make: Instant noodles.

Z - Zoo favorite: Big cats.

Today I will talk about effort. I am listening to George Michael and freezing with a horrendously sprained ankle, not too happy, but alive and kicking. I don't like what I see in the mirror right now, but I know my pain will pass.

I have stayed off alcohol and my doctor knows better than to throw narcotics at me. I kind of wonder if anyone but me believes I will heal, but hell, I already have to an astonishing degree. The power of one's own mind is really quite something.

I should take a pic of it, but I can barely look at the damn thing. A sprain hurts worse than a break according to my dad, who is no stranger to sports type injuries. That said, it's a constant reminder of my stupidity and clumsiness, and I'm not feeling too great atm.

I have a lot of

im cold, i cant get warm, my laringitis/ raw throat is coming back.

warm blanket, warm cuddles: engulfed in you, sleeping til noon, spun til 4am or longer, telling the world to fuck off (ftw). Chocolate and candies, Mmmm you prick at those chocolate ones LOL

One of these days I'll get a REAL breakfast into you.

Right now, Im literally cold and shivering (from being sick) and just was thinking of all that and how it sounded awesome right about now...LOL

Sleeping til noon, getting spun and having fun....ftw.

One of these days I'll take you up on that offer ya know LOL

brrr.... sooo cold. cant get warm here. Thermo is at 72 (normal comfy level). Grrrr, I better not get this retardo pig disease flu thing. Fucking pigs.... all they good for is da baccon LOL

j/k j/k ..... maybe.

I know it's only been a week, but I miss you dude

I hope we get to hang out soon

fucking sucked. rangrz is almost shattered. however, fuck that. we still we return triumphant, however thin the blade we balanced upon.

Occasionally I'm
I look like
I spaz out when I
Sometimes I get

Thinking of getting buzzed tonight on liquid codeine, cipralex and clonazepam and ASA's (500's).

Not even sure if it's possible.... or how safe....

What a N00b I am.

I am just so bored I wish I could get high on something.

I have to stay up until midnight tonight to see if my money went in my bank....well, i don't HAVE to....really it's an excuse to stay up late.

I bet you though that I will fall asleep in a couple hours.

Hoping a sexy fella will return home soon to have some awesome fun

.....or maybe a 1am dirty phone call to make me smile LOL

haha.

Hopefully this weekend isnt a total bore....

This is one of the intimate old entries from one of my REAL diaries - I've decided I will add some of these so you can get to know who I used to be....

Warning: some of these are pretty hard-hitting and may be upsetting/triggering.
I'm just picking up random diaries and opening at different pages.

To quote Alice Cooper: WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE

Dec 15, 2004 (age 20) - TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO DETOX
Well, two more days have passed where I've done nothing at all. Well I've constantly tried to ring Laura but still no one's answering. All I want for Christmas is my friend back. Unfortunately if she's making me choose (as I have a dreaded feeling she might be) between her and methamphetamine, both of us know what will win. It seems to be chemically impossible for me to stay straight. I couldn't even manage a day! I got thoroughly tweaked yesterday, finished off that ounce today...

Marika was helpful on Tuesday - but I can tell she's starting to believe in me a little less. When I told her what happened with Laura she said 'what's happening to you, Lydia?'
I had to admit that what was happening was I was fucked-up on P again. Marika agreed! She said that basically if I couldn't get it together over the New Year and if this detox doesn't work then I'm going to have to look at rehab again, whether it's the Bridge or a longer-term program.
God, I'd rather die a painful P-influenced death than end up back at Odyssey!
You'd think that would have scared me into dropping the needle!
I said how I didn't think I was so addicted that I was like I was before and I was terrified of going back to rehab.
Marika said I should be more terrified of ending up the way I was when I first came to CADS.
I left CADS determined to get through this awful fortnight!

You know I don't think I can live without meth. It's like that guy says on '28 Days': 'If straight people only knew how wrong it felt for an addict to be straight they would never dream of asking you to go straight'! Or, as Ozzy Osbourne says (sings): 'If you could be inside my head - you'd see that black and white is red.' I always interpret that as meaning that it doesn't make sense to an outsider, but logic doesn't apply when you've got an addiction.
I love that song ('Flying High Again') because it's so true!

Mum tried to get my head off the shit when she got home, by taking me over to see Mav. Bad idea. She's been reading my 'Getting Through Amphetamine Withdrawal' booklet and really thinks that I can distract myself out of craving P...with my horse who I used to compete like a pro on, tweaking!

Maverick was not pleased to see me. He was in a cranky mood, probably thinking I was going to ride him when his back's sore. I fed him a handful of carrots and put my arms round his neck. I checked his cover was on properly and felt the lumps on his back - which seem to be going down again.
He had his ears flat against his head and his lip was curled.
Okay, I'm not the fucking horse whisperer but I know that means I should have backed off. But I'm, as is obvious, not a person with a sensible bone in my body and instead I gave him another hug. I just needed to feel some comfort - God knows, I don't feel like very many people care or understand what I'm feeling.
Maverick's not meant to understand but a warm, silky hug with a gentle animal is comforting enough. Unfortunately, Maverick isn't a gentle animal - he's a young, highly-strung, stand-offish horse who was gelded much too late. He's the equivalent of an equine methhead....and you don't try to get close to a grumpy methhead or you practically get your kidneys dislocated.
Unlike a methhead, Maverick has a good set of fangs. These fangs attached themselves around my side and he tossed me to the ground. It hurt so bad I had tears in my eyes and I don't normally cry over physical pain. I think part of it was emotional actually - the hurt of my beloved horse biting me.
I know animals don't do things like that out of spite but everyone seems to be out to get me at the moment.

NB. Marika was my drug counsellor for 5yrs (ie. till the beginning of this yr - she became more like...well she calls me her 'sister') then she moved to another city.
CADS stands for 'Community Alcohol and Drug Services' (its free here and covers counselling for addicts, family/friends of addicts, group education for ppl trying to kick, detox services and methadone services - best of all, its harm reduction-based, though you can choose to try and become abstinent) - I still continue to go to them for counselling services.