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I received this from a professional mentor to a family member (and close family friend). I figured it would fit this month's theme well. I am in better spirits than I was before I read it. I hope you do too.

Being Grateful

Some of you may be celebrating this Thanksgiving with warmth, laughter, hugs, turkey and pumpkin pie. Some of you may feel stranded, like the marble that rolled away from the group, stuck with the dust bunnies in outer space, abandoned under some old furniture. And some of you may feel stranded in broad daylight, surrounded by people, feeling invisible, or worse yet, as visible and broken as a car wreck on the side of the road, strangers gathering to gawk at the shattered glass.

For many, the holidays can bring up discomfort. They can be some weird checkpoint in life--where you find yourself comparing your entire life to the fantasies you have in your head of how your cousin, neighbor, or sister-in-law is pulling it off. Let me tell you something, no one is pulling this off. No one is spared challenge or confusion in this life. Everyone, consciously or not, is seeking to find peace, comfort and communion with their own soul.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but in holidays past, I've had the feeling of standing in some bad, funky, psychodrama, and feeling as though my head is a big pink balloon floating away from my neck and onto the ceiling. And that's before I touched the alcohol. There are those easy breezy questions people ask, stuffing celery sticks and chips into their mouth. "So what you doing these days?" they ask, and you stand there paralyzed, thinking to yourself, "Well, if I knew what I was doing, do you really think I'd have 200 self-help books, a coach, a therapist, a Vedic astrologer, and a medium?" Sometimes, I find myself itching to answer these questions with, "Could you be more specific? When you say, what are you doing these days, do you mean on the astral planes or do you mean in physical time?" Of course if you're lucky, some celebrity may have died recently and you can pick apart their lives and spare your own.

So whatever your holiday experience might be, this Thanksgiving Day, I'm inviting you to my table. It's a table of soul, and it's big. It includes all of us, even those of you around the world, who don't celebrate this tradition. Thanksgiving is about gratitude, and realizing the bounty all around you. If you're reading this newsletter, you're part of my harvest. I am so grateful for you, and everyone around this amazing globe who is walking a new path in the world, consciously exploring what life means to them, and choosing to live with more love and intention than they did before. It's a big table, I tell you, and there's a party going on.

Here's what goes on at the table of soul. You suspend self-judgment for a day, and take in everything wonderful about you. You bask in gratitude for your absolutely gorgeous self. It's not easy to be creating a joyful, passionate, and inspired life. And it's even harder to be making choices that lead to an uninspired one. So wherever you find yourself on that spectrum, please take a moment, if not many, to muster up some gratitude for your choices, lessons, and strength this year. Let's face it, it hasn't always been easy living in your own skin and daring to honor your instincts, but you're still trying. And that's everything.

Let me tell you, just a tiny bit of why I'm grateful for you.

I'm grateful to you for all those times you gave yourself another chance at new life, showed up at a workshop, a network meeting, a party, a blind date, or even another day, when the gray one inside mumbled or hissed, "I don't feel like it." I'm grateful for the times you chose kindness over defensiveness, and the times you couldn't do it, but you wanted to. I'm grateful to you for exploring how to live your dreams, even when you're not sure what they are on some days-- or if you will ever find your own true place in the world. I am grateful to the part of you that knows you have a throne, garden, or a stadium in the world, and knows you are here to make a difference, and that you embody a light like no other-- because you do.

I am grateful to you for the dignity it takes to own your values when you live in a culture that advertises the leg room of the interior of an SUV as freedom, and at the same time makes fun of meditation and personal growth.

I am grateful to you for not giving up on your dreams even when they seem fragile or bruised, silly, or far-fetched, because everything that has ever changed the nature of the world began with something that was sideways and unpredictable. I am grateful to you for siding with the part of yourself that knows you have love and excellence and still believes, even if you haven't sold your novel yet, or filled your coaching practice, because "the one who believes" is a conscious steward of your gifts, and is connected to the bigger truth which is still emerging.

I am most grateful to you, for every time you've put an arm around your own shoulders and said "Hey, it's going to be okay. You have aces in your hand you don't know about. You have another day. You have a loving God that loves you through and through and through, and you have me, and I'm going to try harder than ever before to be on your side more often."
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Remember to be grateful for other people, too. They are making the best choices they know how, and sometimes they are frightened and covering it up with shopping or alcohol or bragging about their daughter. Use your ex-ray loving eyes, if you can, and look past their clever camouflage and beam some love into their tiny frightened hearts. You don't need them to respond. Just silently invite them to our table, because everybody is welcome here. Pass the peas please. And pass the peace.

With my love.
I am throwing a New Years Party...well if fianances allow. Going to be booze, non-alcoholic, food, snacks.

Ive never thrown one though and don't know where to start.

Any ideas people?


Plus, men..... what do you guys like for x-mas gifts?
I swing with how I feel about my drug use. Sometimes I think I’m being melodramatic, that I’m just the typical person who experiments with drugs; the kind who lives freely and fuck the daily grind, lives for fun. Other times, when I see the statistics or look back at the patterns of my own life, I panic – I’m scared that my path is somehow set in stone; that they way my life progresses from here is inevitable. It scares me so much because those are the times when I wonder how much control I really have. I would like to think that I can do anything, as long as I try hard enough, but sometimes it’s so hard. It’s so hard to use my mind, which loves drugs, which drives me to use them and justifies their use, to quit drugs. Doesn’t that seem like a paradox? That I’m trying to use the very thing that is addicted to cure my addiction? It seems to me this is what makes it so difficult. As strong as my conviction is in quitting right now, another day, it could be equally strong that it’s ok to use, that it’s not so bad, what the fuck am I worried about? As good as I am in coming up with strategies not to use, I’m equally good at finding ways to get around them; to justify why those ideas were stupid and unnecessary in the first place.

Sometimes it seems that I’m just at the whim of a mood I have no control over – if I wake up wanting to quit, I can put that in motion, but if I wake up convinced using drugs is a good idea, I can’t conceptualise it could ever be another way.

But I want to quit, I’m sure of that. I’m 22, I’ve been smoking ice for 6 years. I feel like I’ve run this race, I’ve got all there is out of it. I love the drug lifestyle, but I’ve experienced it now, I don’t think it has anymore new experiences to give, at least not ones I want. I could keep living this lifestyle, but this is as good as it’ll ever get. I don’t want to just move on to other drugs either, they’re not really exciting for me anymore. The whole scene has just become mundane, though of course, at the same time, wonderfully intoxicating. I just think, and hope, that there is more to life than this. I at least want to find out for myself what else life has to offer. I don’t regret the years I’ve used drugs, but there must be so much more out there. I want to experience everything. Once I’ve experienced everything, maybe I’ll conclude that the drug lifestyle is the best one for me. If that’s the case, I can comfortably make an informed decision to go back to it. But not til I’ve experienced everything else.

It’s funny, because I can sit here and spill this shit and it sounds great and meaningful and right, and go out and love using drugs tomorrow. I was just watching a show on SBS, about alcoholics. It said again that addictions are chronic, relapsing conditions; that 9 people in their AA meeting had died from their alcoholism since the start of the year. It makes me panic again, I’m so scared for myself, I swear that that wont be me, that I’ll be one of the ones that gets out of this, a success story. And yet…at the same time, I’m thinking of my friend’s birthday party on Saturday. She’s already told me she’ll be doing meth and I’ve avoided making a decision about this party. Not thinking about it so I’m not responsible. So far my thoughts have been vague, along the lines of ‘Oh I’ll decide when I get there if I’ll use or not…’ Ha. Are you fucking serious? I know what the result would be with a plan like that, but it’s easier not to think. Thinking about making a decision so I don’t use panics me more than thinking about where my life could end up. In the end I made the right decision, I am 100% sure I won’t use at this party. Because in the end, I tell myself, it’s one night, who really cares.
havent been to court but duty counsel and see my lawyer friday.

From what i have heard so far, even without the alleged abuse, i have good chances of getting her.

I just need to get clothes and stuff for a 10yr old now and we are almost broke until the 14th. We can get the funds within 24-72hrs for clothing.

I will update more come morning. I need to relax and take this all in and relax in my bubble bath.

Thank you to the one's who have been supportive of everything (Sweet P, Drug_wench, Mariposa, and anyone else i missed that has.... my brain just aint working right now).

Thanks everyone.

More so, sorry to my bestpal rangrz and THANK YOU for putting up with all my bullshit and drama lately. I love you big time bru. <3 You know life would suck without you my crazy bestpal :p LOL :)
My friend and I leave and immediatley starts in on how my mother in law has ocd b/c her house was too clean, how she was so pissed that everyday has to be about my husband and that even on Thanksgiving he has to make the day about him and his poor health.
she says she feels sorry for him suffering like he does but that I suffer but don't take it out on everyone else-She goes on and says that noone is worried about me, that I stretch myself too thin trying to keep track of all of my husbands appointments and medications and blah blha blah-
Sounds like she is trying to be a caring friend and she is worried about me BUT she then contradicts herself when we get home and she is furious I am not with my husband and making sure he is okay-
I wanted to go to the hospital but my husband said he wouldn't go if I went b/c I am always the one who has to care for him, if his father was offering, he'd go with him, he wanted me to try to relax for one day.....
well of course, im worried sick about what could be wrong with him and I'm calling every 30 minutes to find out if my father in law has any news for me- The first call he sayd they have him on a dilaudid drip and that they were trying to get him out of pain- they might do a chest xray- my friend FLIPS.
I mean screaming-yelling, pacing the room angry that I am not flipping out that now my husband is going to suffer more withdrawing from pain meds etc. (which my husband should be on regularly anyway) and she in one sentence says why am i not worried and in the next says that he needs it- she says she is sick of walking on eggshells for my husband and that se can't take his grumpiness (she used alot of other words- I am summarizing as best I can) and tries to turn it all around on me when i said ' i know what dilaudid is and sure im worried' - Saying by saying that I was making her the bad guy?!?!
I don't freak out like she does.
She flips out about everything- so b/c Im not she is angry.
Then she has this list of complaints about my husband and his family- all of whom have welcomed her into their homes being gracious and kind- it was like a slap in the face .
So then I ask her "what is your solution then?" and she snaps back with evil eyes and major attitude "I guess i will just go to the dr. and get put on horse tranquillizers so I can be a fuckin' zombie anad not reactto the horrible things going on around me!!!' Basically insinuating that I am a zombie b/c I am not acting out like a basketcase every other day.
She continues and everything i say she twists around and then accuses me of making her "the bad guy"- I hadn't at that point.
I let the rude and ungrateful shit she was spewing out of her mouth go and was trying to stay level.....all the while worried about my husband. Then I call my father in law again and we find out my husband has pluerisy- which is inflammation of the linging of his lungs and that is why he was in so much pain- she hears this and yells "well, andrew runs off to the hospiital over a lung infection and gets shot up with basically morphine- maybe i will go up there and say my heart hurts so i can get shot up too!!" - Im thinking-
who are you? what is wrong with you? are you 12? where is the ratioinale in what you are saying??
She contnues picking and picking at me- about an hour of her screaming and carrying on and i finally snapped.
I am embarrassed of my behaviour b/c I was cruel and I literally tried to get her to stand up and fight me.
I said some nasty things to her- true things, but hurtful......
I told her she is always twisting up my words, and everyone elses to make herself the victim.
She hears what she wants so she can be a victim and I am tired of playing her bullshit games.....
I said alot more- I called her all sorts of names and was just downright evil to her.
I fell into what I hate most in people.
I pride myself on being able to control my temper- (I used to be a very angry teenager but learned to be calm and peaceful.....I never believe fighting is an answer) and if you know my history with my father, that made it worse b/c I was acting like the person he thinks i am......which I am not..
But I knew I was on the verge of a breakdown.....
I knew it. I just never imagined I'd become some monster and unleash hate on someone.....even someone who just spreads negativity wherever she goes.....
I was hateful and it bothers me.
I could not take another moment of her bullshit.
I felt like- I let you into my home, asked nothing of you and listened to you cry for 15 yrs about poor you and the 2 times I really needed you, your turned your back on me. I forgave and befriended you and you come into my house and disrespect me and the people I love.
My in laws who were nothing but kind and welcoming to her, she trash talked them?? I had had enough. It hurts to lose someone who I have known for so long but she was toxic to me.
She plays like she is looking out for you and then contradicts herself to play 'poor me' - So I lost a friend.
Then there are my parents who I have talked about before and won't go into here b/c I have let out alot already and I am starting to feel a little silly for dishing all of this on people.
I am not looking for sympathy- I am not looking for pity. I just needed a release. and this is just about the only place that is safe for me.
I just sometimes wonder how I can get up and smile and try to stay positive when I all of this is crumbling down around me.......
It's exhausting.
Ok where to begin...It's been a long while since I've journaled or posted in one of my groups as well. For some reason, on my days off, I keep getting sidetracked into the mental meth vortex land & also, my PC is very annoyingly slow. It takes 20 freaken minutes for it to start up, load, then pull up the application I want. My creative mode is like spur of the moment deal, and before I merely had to turn the damn thing on. Also, one of the disadvantages of not living alone make me open to interruptions, which somehow always manage to come during the rare event I actually have the patience, mood, and enthusiasm to get things done. The chemicals to hit me right, having to adhere to a work schedule, Mom, all these factor in. So, now is one of those times. It's about 2am or so and I'm spending another night at Aimee and Linda's, something I haven't done in a very long time. Mom is constantly getting on me about not being as sociable with normies like I was sober, & that raises suspicion and constant questions from her.

It seems weird and at times downright annoying that at well past middle age, I have to once again report to someone, mainly her, as to my whereabouts, and when I'll be back...I've ALWAYS hated that shit because, even I never know when I'll be back. Fuck, I come home when I feel like it, or when I sense it's time to leave my friend's pad. This hasn't happened though in 4 years. I'm well liked here, and having a job makes the last 4 1/2 yrs makes me appear semi responsible. Soooo, for 18 months I had a ball driving my sports car, especially after having to take the bus for over 2 years. Unfortunately, once I take meth and not committed to a strict schedule to practice, it's like being admitted into this awesome park with all the adrenaline pumping rides, let loose to go on as many and as often as I like. Who wants to go home back to the dull and boring day to day crap of responsibility? Not me.

On the up side, being high means never being bored. I love and enjoy work nights even more, and am astounded at how another 8 hr shift just ends, next thing I know, it's my weekend, YEA! Weeks go by, then months, and aside from going to work, coming home, paying my phone and rent bill, plus food, I refuse to sit down to the unpleasant tasks that life demands in addition to work and few bills I paid, because I don't want to leave the amuzement park. The down side, obviously are the consequences that follow. Probation garnished my wages 25% for some 4 months which could of been avoided, had I submitted to the necessary pain in the ass interruptions of going about the phone calls and foot work of stop the garnishment in the first place, argue with the probation people, get copies of new bills, fill out their paper work, and keep challenging them. If I had done so, I might or might not have gotten my payments lowered, but could have avoided the garnishment.

Laziness and fear are my worst character defects, the term used by Narcotics Anonymous for our faults or flaws. Those two have ALWAYS been my 2 worst destructive enemies. I still suffer from them sober, but evenually at the last minute actually do what it is I dread doing if the consequences are dire. March 23, 2009 was my official relapse date after 27 months clean, and it was X that I had relapsed on that night, and yes I had a lovely time. Three weeks later, meth crept back in and I think was only a May Mr. Prick came back into my life. I was fine financially, able to pay Mom her too high rent of $700/mo, all my bills, and my dope. This time, thus far, I hadn't shined on my job, and got to work on time. Then in July, the garnishment hit, and that was the beginning of the fuck ups and hassles. Bills started piling up, I simply couldn't pay Mom $700 anymore as I'd been doing last 4 years.

I'm feeling pretty annoyed at the moment. Me and drug_wench (she doesn't mind me writing about this) had a deal set up with a dealer who I've known and been friends with for nearly 2 years. We were only after a small amount of crystal - a quarter-gram between us, every fortnight, as we'd promised each other. We're trying to reduce our intake. Anyway, this dealer has never once let me down, but now, just as we have the money ready, he doesn't answer my texts. I've sent quite a few, and there's been no response whatsoever. :(

This is what I HATE about scoring drugs. No matter how friendly and how reliable the dealer is, there's always the possibility that things can go wrong. He's a good guy who wouldn't deliberately mess us around, so I'm guessing he's either in the midst of withdrawals (he's a very heavy user himself), he's sick in hospital, he's out of credit on his cell phone till dole day (the most likely option), or he's been busted again (which I doubt, cos I would have heard about it). I hate this uncertainly. I just wish I knew what was happening! :!
I'm going to use this blank page to get out what I'm keeping in- It may be spacey or not make sense but I need an outlet.......

I feel like the weight of the world is on me......
I need something to go right.
I need to rid myself and my home of the negative energy that is suffocating me and turning me into the idea of the person I don't want to be.

I don't even know where to start-
I will start with what consumes most of my days-
My husband has a mental illness-schizoaffective disorder......which if you know about is very difficult to deal with, on a daily basis and on a long term basis. People often overlook those who care for the people with mental disorders and it sucks. He also has some serious physical problems. He has this rare thing called Ankylosing Sondylitis. Basically his bones in his spine are fusing together, he has bone edemas throughout his body, the tissues around his bones,the tendons and the bones themselves are deteriorating. In the beginning of this, we dealt with it pretty well. We were happy to know what was wrong with him. It made us feel like 'now we know, lets work to fix the problem' - But as time went on and treatment after treatment wasn't working it became very frustrating. As a wife, I worry b/c each of these medications they are trying on him can have some serious long term side effects, like causing cancer, heart problems, increased pain (which seems so redundant), a lowered immune system......As a wife it is also hard to watch the one you love suffer. Every day I watach him suffer. It is heart wrenching. I literally feel like my heart burst with sorrow. I have always been the strong one- If you have read any of my blogs on my family or on my life or any of my posts on my life, you know- aunts, uncles,mother, even my grandmother has viewed me as the strength......They lean on me. So I try to play strong for my husband and his paretns and brother now too- but it is hard. I hide to vry. I go into the bathroom or outside and I cry.....I cry when I take a shower I cry when Im alone. I feel like I have noone to lean on. Why is it that everyone can lean on me, and I can't lean when I need release and support?
So, then we move onto me- B/c of my husbands illness and the medicatioins they are putting him on and wanting to put him on- we have decided to try again for a baby. Some of these medications may make it impossible for us later on down the line- I have fertility problems and I lost a baby in the past.....So we have to go through fertility treatment. I am going to use every penny I have coming to try to afford this......But I have some big health problems myself- I have fibromyalgia and I am borderline diabetic and I have a panic disorder (which may be situational and normally have generalized anxiety disorder??) So I am on alot of medicatioin- A benzo, A muscle relaxer, a diabetes med and gabapentin. I am so nervous b/c I have cut my gabapentin by onep ill and the pain is hard to bear. I go on with a fucking smile on my face dreading when I have to walk up my stairs, or do simple tasks like lift the laundry out of the dryer......How will I feel when I have weaned off of them completely? I smoke- so in a few days I am quitting smoking- I have cut down a little and I smoke like 4-5 cigarettes a day. I hear when you just get off your period it is easiest to quit- so that is my plan. I am scared. Scared for the pain,scared we won't concieve, scared we will and I will miscarry......I know I want a child and my husband wants a child-I am scared this will be our only chance......
Onto the next subject-
My best friend was living with us.....she was in a bad place blee blah blee and we let her stay with us. We didn't ask for rent or for anything of her except for her to take care of her mental and physical health (she is ocd/bipolar/god knows what else) and we welcomed her in. Well, she came at just the wrong time (though we were happy to have her) we were just in the middle of switching one of my husbands treatments and things were tense. He wakes up in pain, and I do too- I am used to that. I know as he knows- we each need about an hour to oil up our joints and get awake enough to deal with others......I don't bother him, he doesn't bother me. She wakes up and wants to talk about everything going wrong in her life- I would listen and be a friend as I always have to her-
While we are at my inlaws house for Thanksgiving- My mother in nlaw (who I love VERY much) walks out of the room and my friend says "aaawwwkwaaaarrrd" talking about my mother in law! That got to me, but I let it pass- (It was her first time meeting them and I guess felt uncomfortable which is understandable but she said it in a way that was snotty)
Then my husband was not doing well and the night before was coughing and gasping for air in his sleep and woke both my friend and myself up and we were scared for him- I finally rolled him onto his side and he was able to breathe- so at dinner on Thanksgiving he couldn't eat- he was complaining of his chest hurting really bad and his ribs (which he has been for a while now but it was worse) so his father takes him to the hospital. My friend and I help my mother in law clean up and my mother in law was sweet and packs us up left overs.......continued on next blog
I am going to be fighting for custody of my daughter even though in the process I might lose friends, maybe even my bestfriend.

She is my baby, my world. I would die in a second for her and no one unless they have been a parent even for 2 seconds would understand that love.

I am going against a man who BEAT me on a TTC platform and NO ONE, not even the TTC did shit all. In which caused me to miscarry my twins in which i was in my 2nd term.

Then the fucker sodimized me, he violently shoved things up my ass for fun from belts to dildos found in the dirty trash to broom sticks to whatever he could find and violently fuck my ass until I was in tears.

He's threatened to hit me several times.

He's stolen 20Gs from me.

He stole my daughter from me.

He raped me several times over, over months near the end. Every night i would fall asleep i would wake up to his STD infected dick in my ass or vagina unwanted.

Then people wonder why I am scared of him, why I fear of what he'll do to me or my kid.

People think i am just out to be clingy or wanty.... no I need a friend to support me and only person to be a REAL man was a man in complete agony who is DYING of pancreatic cancer.

*sigh*

LIFE.
The theme for the next two weeks is FAMILY.

Maybe you have some Thanksgiving family stories, some Holiday traditions in your familiy, just some family memories you'd like to share or maybe a little venting about family dramas ;)
Whatever it is....Let's hear about FAMILY.
Another poster I made, using a photo of my clonazepam 2mg tablets. I guess it's trying to show that some doctors are just as bad as street dealers when it comes to prescribing addictive drugs!

well fellow bl'ers everything has been going to plan i'm down to taking 2 to 3 mgs now. And tomorrow i'm cutting back to 1 to 2. But i got to say i fucked up two days ago. I did a 40 mg OC i have turned down free patches and opana 40s and it was something about this day i was running out of xanaxs and this person bought bout 10 80s ocs and he gave me a half. I did it. It didn't make me sick. But the next day after that i didn't take no subs didn't want to be sick. I wanted to wait till hr 36 came rolling around and that wasn't too hard either it kinda seems like i could do a pain day or two a month and still be ok. But i just got 30 more 8mg subs. today. I thought that i was going to run out and my buddy came through. ;) thank GOD for my bro CHUCKY hahahahaha..
Peace to all %)
I got to admit its getting better a lil better all the time;) eat a peach for peace
well fellow bl'ers everything has been going to plan i'm down to taking 2 to 3 mgs now. And tomorrow i'm cutting back to 1 to 2. But i got to say i fucked up two days ago. I did a 40 mg OC i have turned down free patches and opana 40s and it was something about this day i was running out of xanaxs and this person bought bout 10 80s ocs and he gave me a half. I did it. It didn't make me sick. But the next day after that i didn't take no subs didn't want to be sick. I wanted to wait till hr 36 came rolling around and that wasn't too hard either it kinda seems like i could do a pain day or two a month and still be ok. But i just got 30 more 8mg subs. today. I thought that i was going to run out and my buddy came through. ;) thank GOD for my bro CHUCKY hahahahaha..
Peace to all %)
I got to admit its getting better a lil better all the time;) eat a peach for peace
1. Quit smoking

2. Study Muay Thai

3. Intentionally get beaten harshly

I need to be prepared to be there for those that need help, whether from themselves or from others.

This new life I have chosen 98 days ago will be placing me in dark territory with dark people.

We all die. I will die for a purpose.
A week ago today I went and fucked up again, almost right after an NA meeting too. I thought I was just going to hang out with an old friend for an hour or two and it turned into a five day run. I had no intention of using when I left up until the time when someone put it right in front of me. Even then all I really wanted was to call one person and beg them to come and get me. Something so fucking simple that I was scared to do cost me so much. I know that for myself I need to stay clean and if the gods don't hate me maybe things will work out. Granted I don't see much hope for this, the working out part at least.
Well over 90 days, one very important relationship and my drug test down the toilet. The bitch of it all is, getting high was even fun this time. It just made me miss...it just got me to think about my life.
I wanted for once have a sort of pic blog..


Enjoy the Story...

Usually most nights turn about like this:




Yes, yes.. faded with my Smokey Snack (as my *venus* fondly calls it lol) WIN!

But Tonight is the Sami---- eeee---- claus!!





MMMMMMMmmmmMmMmmm Good Ol' 14%:






Yes.. bright eye'd and ready to go....

So it's 5:41am now, and I've gone another night with zero sleep. My sleep is so, so messed up. I stay up all day, and all night, and catch a shut eye in the shower for maybe 5 minutes at a time, and I'm completly sober, so its nothing like I'm under the influence on anything.
I take it my anxiety is coming in stronger, and it's pushing my insomia out more and more, after a while the brain cant function and starts to trick it's self into sleep, and I'm at the point where I'm hearing knocks and bangs.
I know they are real, well atleast they sound real, but for now I feel safe locked away here in my room.
I'm not sure what is all in store for me tommorow, I have no idea. There are so many things that can happen that will set me back in everything.
Such as jail, I don't want to go but It may be the only way out in this case.
I'm confused, oh so verry confused what to do. I have some ideas in what I want to do, but I will save that for my next blog.
I just hope something happens quick before anything else bad happens.
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day 76, and i aint got that itch....Not for now at least. it aint about that no more. it stopped bein about bein clean a little while ago. now its just about livin life. if i do use ill enjoy it and put it down the next day, back to real life. cuz it aint about dope, or about not doin dope. shit aint even a issue. i got far enough past the attatchment, the pull that it had on me. now that need is gone and so is the burning desire for more. its about breakin the hold it has on you. now that its gone im free, to do wat i want, and if that is to get high cuz its my birthday, or christmas, or my 6 month clean date, thats cool with me cuz i know that the pattern aint gonna be the same no more, the spell been broken, that dope demon aint possessing my spirit no more, i got other things on my mind and my heart & soul is strong enough to hold its own against the d without gettin consumed by it. im happy now but ill give myself more credit when i eventually use and stay clean afterwards than just not usin at all. its easy to say no or yes always. bein able to say no 99 percent of the time is alot harder. once i do that is when i really know i made it thru. my life aint gonna be about denying my self a pleasure that i like to indulge in its about the fact that my life is full enough n strong enough on its own that i dont need to "indulge" everyday to survive mentally n physically and that i am stronger n wiser enough now to be able to make it a lil "treat" for my self and not a repeat treat.

its ok to have fun sometimes but theres a difference between that and living a completely unreal heroin dream stumbling thru the clouds lost in a maze of vices and suffering . that aint somethin i plan to go back into. i got past all that, i broke the obsession and the crazy intensity of the feelings i had for diesel...now, i could take it or leave it. and for now im leavin it, but im sure ill take it sooner or later and enjoy my one for old times sake, but the need n desire to keep going after that is gone. my view is changing and i dont see it all from junkie eyes these days....
1) The heache in the morn.... OW!

2) The shitty mean things you write are bad, and you'll feel shitty come morning.

3)The "high" wasn't the best to begin with.

If I talked to you last night and was rude.... my apologies.

rangrz my sweets, im sorry for being a cunt. I hope you read my emails and bluelight PM.
why can one day be so much fun and you feel so good, but then the next day you just feel like absolute shit? y'know, I just don't get it, and one of the worst problems is that a lot of people around me that have been supporting me for so long don't get it either. I mean sure, they understand I'm an addict so I'm going to have a different mentality. but a lot of the time I feel like I can't even explain myself the person closest to me, my best friend, girlfriend, future wife. I can't make her understand my thought process.

*sigh* I suppose its partially because of our different worlds. she's born and raised in an upper-middle class area, and I was from lower-middle class. while that doesn't sound like that big of a difference, but somehow her brain works is just so different from mine... ironically she grew up with her parents being alcoholics and her father smoking crack very often. while I grew up with a single mother, who drank quite a bit, but never had a real problem with it in the sense that she could act like a decent human being while hammered.

so I grow up in a "normal", stable, loving home. she comes from violent, alcoholic parents, one of which leaves pretty often for entire weekends for crack binges. yet I become this drug addict who can't keep his life on track, while she ends up in college on track to become a fucking DOCTOR.

W T F?
I'm struggling with my benzo addiction at the moment. Actually, I have been for a while. I was prescribed 0.5mg's of clonazepam a day when I was 18 for anxiety and social phobia, and have been taking it every day since. Six years later, I'm now up to 4-6mg a day. I've also been on a number of hypnotics, on and off over the years, including temazepam. I'll admit, I'm addicted to them - both physically and mentally. I crave it, I need it to function, and of course, I need it to prevent the hellish withdrawals (the convulsions once nearly killed me).

From time to time I do exceed my prescribed dose and abuse them, especially if I'm depressed and need to numb my feelings for a few hours, or if I just wanna relax and chill out. I know this isn't good. My girlfriend, Lydia, has been suggesting that I switch my clonazepam across to diazepam so I can taper it down more easily and eventually quit. I know she is right, but to be honest, I'm scared.

I've been carrying a bottle of clonazepam around with me for 6 years, popping a pill whenever I need it (or whenever I want it), and I'm scared to part with it. In fact, I'm terrified. I know my tolerance will continue to get higher and higher with time, and I know I will eventually need to taper down with diazepam (Lydia knows what she's talking about, and I really do appreciate her advice and support with this) but I guess I'm just scared to take that big step. Despite all the damage they are causing me, I still love my clonaz and my mazzies. I don't want to love them, but I do. I just can't help it. :(
Hello everyone,

In the past couple of months, Blogs has grown quite a bit. As well, we've been able to make a few changes to the appearance and functioning of the area. I'd like to draw everyone's attention to the Posting Guidelines, as they are a relatively new addition and as they aren't as visible as in other forums.

It's not as though we've had any big problems with posters, but rather I think that it is best that everyone is aware of the guidelines that ocean and I use to moderate the area. As well, this would be an excellent place to discuss the guidelines.

I've quoted the guidelines verbatim below. Please give them a read before making your next post, and do feel free to comment on them here.

Thanks!

Hi! Welcome to Bluelight Blogs. Please read the Blog Guidelines carefully before starting your own Bluelight Blog, or commenting in other Blogs.

The Bluelight User Agreement will be enforced at all times by the Blogs Mods. If the moderators feel something is breaching the guidelines, they will take the appropriate action to resolve the situation.

Blogs are a great place to discuss your thoughts and virtually anything goes as to what you say provided it is not offensive to other Bluelighters or isn't violating the Bluelight user agreement. For example, do not go into your blog naming other Bluelighters specifically by name or situation and calling attention to them in a demeaning way. This creates a lot of board drama and it abuses what Blogs is really about. If you feel you must express yourself in a derogatory manner about another bluelighter then please remember your blog does have a lock feature that will make it private and only you will have access to it.

If you feel the need to discuss another Bluelighter's actions you may not be happy with in your blog (it is your place to vent of course!) and you do not want to lock it then please do not make any reference to them specifically. Blogs does not want any Bluelighters to feel they are being misrepresented by one person's thoughts on them via the Blogs forum.

Comments are most certainly an invaluable source of advice to the blog owner. It's also a great place to get to know your fellow Bluelighters. Remember that we are a Blog Community and it's nice to give comments as well as receive them. We encourage the use of images in Blogs, however please keep them at a reasonable file size.

And although we realize from time to time it may be necessary for you to post multiple entries in your blog please try to limit them to three at a time up on the most current entry page. This isn't twitter :)

Thank you, we look forward to reading you.

Your Blogs Moderators,

ocean and Dave

(with many thanks to spork & *starfalls69* for a prior draft)
Today began with me going to sleep around 10:00am, and waking up around 6:30pm. I missed a good football game :\ pissed that my alarm clock didn't wake me up. I think I bashed it to many times.

At 6:30PM things were ok, my roomates were drinking, and were making a ruckus, and had the TV up really loud, so I went to check it out. They were drinking some mojitos (sp?) and green apple things in a bottle. I talked to my friend brandon on AIM and asked him if he had any Ramen Noodles, luckly he did, so thank god! He brought me over 3 packs of Pork flavored Ramen! I signed him in, and we came up to my dorm, and watched a movie with my drunk roomies, while I made the ramen (i was freekn hungry!)
When I was finished with ramen, my roomate asked if we wanted any cheetos. HELL YEAH I WANT CHEESY POOFS!!! So me and my friend brandon helped our selves, leaving our orange dust finger prints all over the fridge and sink lol.
Well I walked my friend back to his dorm and went back upstaris and helped my drunk roomates make a microwaveable cake. (IT WAS BOMB OMG! reeses cup cake stuff?) easy as fuck to make lol well for a sober person it was, but they couldnt do shit.
(tells me that i'm happy being sober :))

So we put on a movie, some awesome chinese fighting movie. Oh yeah I'm also devouring this 15,1/2oz bag of cheestos. lol I ended up eating the entire bag throughout the movie!

Oh also I was given a half of a sweet potatoe pie,and 10 tv dinners. That was my highlight of the night. pretty cool
tonight has taken the guilt out of me for now, feels good to have a full tummy. :)
I have been in tears for days at the thought that I might loose my daughter to a man who beats her, a grandmother who's and alcoholic and I really dont know much about her uncle beyond he seems to have his own anger issues.

I need my bestfriend to help me go file for custody, I am scared shitless, I am gonna email you and ask..... even though Ive been a bitch to you today.

Im sorry.

I need you sweets, I am inches of losing my baby girl to an abusive jerk so don;t give a shit.

I really do need your help D.

I hope you will help me in ways of supporting me emotionally.

You are my bestfriend.....

<3
How do I get close
When she looks like an angel
A moment of her time just seems impossible to me
Its hard to find the words
To get to know this stranger
Im scared of what shell say
If what I say sounds incomplete

And it feels like, we belong together
Can someone tell me where do I start?

Cause I cant keep on,
feeling the way I do
I cant keep on,
Hiding my heart from you
I gotta say something before
Someone else comes through
I cant keep on
Loving you, from a distance

Shes always on my mind
Theres no room left for thinking
Im tired of waiting, slowly fading
It needs to happen now (right now)
Cause Im running out of time
And I feel this ship is sinking
The doors are closing
I am frozen
I need her around

And it feels like, we belong together
Can someone tell me where do I start?

Cause I cant keep on,
feeling the way I do
And I cant keep on,
Hiding my heart from you
I gotta say something before
Someone else comes through
I cant keep on
Loving you, from a distance

From a distance
From a distance
From a distance

I cant hide

I cant keep on,
feeling the way I do
And I cant keep on,
Hiding my heart from you
I gotta say something before
Someone else comes through
Cause I cant keep on
Loving you,
I cant keep on
Loving you,
From a distance

How can one even be a friend when you are pushing me away? Making me feel unwanted.
Might not be true, might not be your goal, but the way you've been acting.

How can friends be friends or whatever, when all i feel like is a burden in your way. How it feels like you wish I would just disappear and never bother you again.

Am I just a friend you keep for when you have no GOOD drugs, when no one else is free to hang out with.

Gawd, that sounds a little like a pitty friend. A back up plan.

Makes one feel extra special don't you think.

and here I call you my bestfriend.

and here I still AM in love with you, after everything, even rejection.

I must be fucking stupid.

You called me a sadist but I think I am more a mascohist, as I take everyone shit and keep on liking them and loving them dispite .... everything....

I guess I'm just a pathetic loser, ja?
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