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I have been off the H for three days, the first two days where hell, then I got my hands on a sobo and never knew there where other ways to take it. Call me old school I guess but when I read the blogs I thought you guys where full of it. But holy s#@t I actually got high on suboxone. Thanks %)

Well, as stated in my revious blog...my thread was closed.

Hey everyone!
I had started a thread on Dec. 5th that was closed. The thread meant alot to me, so I figure possibly I can write about it here.

05-12-2009, 07:56
Last Big Hoorah!

Hey everyone!
Well I have finally decided to try and quit my heroin habit/addiction! Tonight and tomorrow marks my last big hoorah for myself, my boy friend and supposedly my brother too. We went and copped two and a half bundles. Was kinda funny because the dealer was like "Damn... you going on vacation?" LOL We didn't tell him what was up. This guy has THE best dope in Detroit.
Everyone thought I had the best connection, like my guy's stuff was the bomb. But then he started getting VERY inconsistent. I mean TOO many times did I go and get a B and a half just to find it was ALL bunk ass shit. I bet I wasted over $600 in a months time on their bunk shit. Then when you call and complain it starts going to voicemail (for a day and a half) because everyone they had just sold to started calling and complaining, so they just turn off the phone till they re-cop. Then you call and its like "Oh its on....this is the good stuff baby."
Me: "Well what about the shit I bought yesterday?"
Them: " Oh well we re-copped and this is the good stuff now."
Me: "But I spent $150 yesterday....can't you at least give me a B for free?" (this being after the 3rd or 4th time I got bunk)
Them: " Just come on down....I'll hook you up."
Forty five minute drive later and half hour wait later.....
Him "Hey baby, you'll love this stuff."
Me: " Well you gonna look out for me?"
Him: "Yeah baby, what you want?"
Me: "A B"
Him: "Here..." Hands me some packs...
Me: "Thanks hun...hope it is good. You know I'm a good customer. I only come to you and I really don't wanna have to go look for a new dealer. I spend over $300 a week with you, you used to have the bomb."
Him: "It's all good baby"
I get out, get in my car and count what he gave me. Instead of the regular 12 you get for a bundle, he threw in 2 extra. WOW! Thanks guy. It did end up being some wicked shit. BUT.....a week later, buy a B and open the pack...its the sticky grainy takes-3-packs-to get-me-off-bunk-ass-shit.
After getting ripped off, what....5, 6, 7 times....we start asking around for a new dealer. We find this guy in the same area... AWESOME kick ass top of the line good quality - great quantity 1 pack makes you puke shit. YAYYYYYYYY we've struck gold!
We love this new guy. He is now our best friend, our god, our doctor. LOL
So, it's so good we are spending every last cent we have trying to get as much dope as we can, kinda being worried in the back of our head that this hook up is going to fall off too. !! Please don't !! Please don't !! Please don't be bunk!! No worries. Great stuff everytime. Totally consistent. But now, over a month , utility shut-off, eviction notice later, we've all decided, we've had our fun.... it's time to grow up, again.
So, back to the beginning of the story here..... We all decided that we would do one last hoorah....tonight and tomorrow, wake up Sunday and start on the Subs. 2 1/2 bundles in our pocket, we are all fucked up tonight. I'm trying to save most mine for tomorrow. We have 10 Suboxones ready for Sunday morning (traded two Loracet to one Sub....to me that's an awesome deal, especially since my insurance covers my prescription of my Lorries and they are free to me.)
Which by the way, I have found you REALLY only need two Subs per person to get off an opiate withdrawal. The first day you wake up feeling like shit. Take a whole sub. The next day you take 1/2 sub, 3rd day you take 1/4 sub and the same on the 4th. I've done this twice and both times it worked just fine for me. My brother said it didn't work so well for him, so I am guessing it all has to do with a persons chemistry, but I would really suggest others try the same thing. Don't let your head fool you into believing your sick. Just cuz you aren't HIGH doesn't mean you need more or that it isn't working and you think you have to go back to dope. Really listen to your body. If your insides aren't gurgling, and you don't have to puke....you can handle it. LOL
Maybe I will take this portion and post it somewhere else, too. Its ruining my buzz thinking about Sunday aka Suboxone day. LOL
But, I just wanted to share with everyone my big plans for tonight and tomorrow. I will still use occasionally, but NEVER more than 2 days in a row so that I won't become physically dependent on it again. AND I will never go broke looking for a buzz again. Its been very irresponsible of me, selfish of me, and just down right fiendish. Life's too short to live day by day NEEDING heroin (or pills, for that matter). I look forward to Christmas with presents for my kids and the bills paid.
Wish me and mine luck!
We are all going to need it!
I'll keep you posted.
Thanks for lending an ear...or well an eye!
Liz

I'm bored, so I thought it might be interesting (or at least help to pass a bit of time) to list all the psychiatric drugs I've been prescribed over the last 12 years!

Current meds:

Citalopram
Clonazepam
Diazepam
Seroquel

Past meds:

Carbamazapine
Clozapine
Haloperidol
Lithium Carbonate
Olanzapine
Prozac
Sodium Valproate
Risperidone
Temazepam
Zopiclone

A lot of those previous medications I actually didn't need. A doctor misdiagnosed my borderline personality disorder as bipolar disorder, so I was given a cocktail of anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers that weren't even necessary!

Acid:
The harder i try the harder i trip.

Mushrooms:
An exercize in futility.

DXM:
Visiting the dark side of the moon.

Inhalants:
You'll succumb to help the cure.( what those voices are really saying )

MDMA:
Life revamped and made beautiful.

Opiates:
My perfect state of mind.

Salvia:
Fear incarnate. (at least for me)

so im just sitting here freezing my ass off bored. its gotta be like 40 degrees in here. posting because its been 24 hours without sleep and im starting to become delirious Happy Day! sleep deprivation is a fun state of mind it helps to see through people's façade. i can see right past everyone act and realise we are all so fake. everyone puts on this stupid jesters hat to entertain others around them. even me. cant help it because i..... well i guess i dont know why.

Is it normal to feel scared and confused about life? I mean sure you.
I'm lucky that I have so many people that have been helping me out with numbers, and moral support.
I still feel like I want to be with my family since this is the holidays and everything, I don't want to really think about "C-Day" because I have a feeling that it's going to be like "T-Day" all over again. (I'm using abbreviations because... well. those words just hurt at the moment.

I've recently been reading someones blog, http://homelesscide.blogspot.com/
It is about a 40+(I think) gentlemen that due to his unfortunates he was left to live on the street.
If you read a little bit of it he tells you that he still functions as being homeless. He still see's his daughter, and does the deal.

I just felt like bringing that up because you don't learn from homelessness from your kindergarten teacher.
I've also been on the http://www.suicideforum.com/
really because I've felt so low that I really feel like ending it, and they have supportive people in the chat room that talk to you, and listen. No matter what time of the day it is their is always someone there, and that means a lot when I feel so fucking sad.

Well today is Sunday, December 6th. I've got 10 days before I have to leave to find somewhere else to go, and since I can't return to school for next semester then I've got to do something.
I haven't talked to my mom or dad in a long time, I know that they are pretty pissed at me for my last blackout.
I cant rely on my parents my whole life, and cant expect them to bail me out of trouble every time I make a mistake.

Feeling pretty down right now, at least this coffee is pretty strong. Here at about 11:30am the lunchroom opens so I'm going to walk down there and fill up my bag full of those little soup crackers, and jelly's. Maybe i can make them stretch instead of eating them all at once.

that's all i got for now
-------
11:52am

Luck is on my side I guess for now. They put the crackers out, sucks in a way they are the little rectangle keeblers, and a handfull is like 8-10 crackers, and they hardly fill me up. They taste better then the other crackers, more of a sweet taste then insted of some kind of french onion taste like the bigger ones.

I'm sitting here in the lunchroom on my laptop, its quiet here, the only down part is that the person that is working in the cafeteria is one of those people that will charge you for a cup of water.
Eh gotta look somewhat productive so they don't think I'm just here for the crackers.
---
12:45pm

Didn't bring my laptop battery charger with me, so I'm down to half a battery. my laptop has a pretty big ass battery and It saied it can last up to 5 hours or so without a charge, I'm not listening to any music so I don't know what it's wanting to run out so quick.

about to go back and get some more crackers, this is so redicolus, funny I play it out so smooth.
and if they ask questions they know that the price of food here is wayyyy over charged, who the hell can afford a single patty burger with no cheese for $4.00?
fuck that i'm straight with these crackers and jellys lol.

Pretty quiet here, not much of anything going on. Don't know for sure when the lunchroom closes but I'm going to try to take every last pack of crackers.

My child has been "missing" for a week. Her
visitations were this weekend, I cant get into detail but if i dont hear anything by 1pm tomorrow Sunday.... well..... i'll update Sunday night or monday or as soon as I can.

I am just updating for those people who are wishing to keep up to date with the situation.

She has now "legally" been missing with her dad since friday 4pm.

I have around a week clean and my roommate is going to a bar (Reeds) on Thursday. She offered to pay for me since she said I've been depressed lately. I want to stay away from these kind of places but it's hard when it's free. I asked someone that I feel is close to me for help, well I feel I did. I asked the person to help me stay busy that night and their response was that they can't hang out with people who use. WTF the whole reason I asked was so that I don't use anything.
I guess it was out of line to put that kind of question to someone. I just thought..I don't know I thought their would be some kind of understanding and there wasn't.
I'm not gonna go with her, I'm saying this now. I can't reach out like that and I realize I can only count on myself.
Sometimes life really sucks being clean.

You've got to be kidding me. I've been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one has really been far even as decided to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It's just common sense.

Highways is the lifeline of a junkie, the promise of salvation, every journey different but they all end up in the same place. In maryland I got on 495. Signs for baltimore appeared hovering over the freeway soon after that. Puttin my foot in another shoe I am going to cop. Im riding towards 0 and 00 caps, ridin towards the same life in a different pattern, wonderin if the tinted out car i see, nothing to me, strikes fear in their hearts. if the car stopped on the side is a speeder or a junkie about to be sick all night long. Trying to pick them out just like I do at home, where I know that anyone pulled over between 57 and 60 is goin down.

The city rises over the ramps as i come over the hill, does it fill them with a strange vibrating fearful anticipation? Im just a traveler it means nothing to me, but this is their Mecca and for a second I feel the excitement that I know they feel when they see that sign for the turn off where they descend into the city at, just like how no matter wat, the word Paterson looming over the exit lane like the announcement of the promised land still puts a quick flip in my stomach.

The words hold a secret that only we know, meaningless to everyone else but burns bright in our minds, its the sound of giving up, its the never ending taunt that says one more time. Its somethin that you cant avoid, clean for 6 months, a year, and every time you go down that highway, every time, you got to hold your hands down tight on the steering wheel, steel yourself, dont let your body go into autopilot and turn to the right, look straight ahead as u count down, knowing If i get over now I can still make the exit just hold on hold on, dont do it, and u got money and why not and its prolly safe, ahh fuck it, you whip around the u turn and ascend the ramp and youre right on Madison heading for 19th like you never left, feels better than cheating on your wife with the sexy girl you been dreaming of, more satisfying than the forbidden moment you kiss...

And the familiar surge of adrenaline rushes thru you, suddenly you alive again, shivering with pleasure at re living your memories, its so good you cant take it, the anticipation screaming thru your blood , Im going for it, Its so wrong its so right, the delicious thrill of letting yourself fall and not givin a fuck, I'M IN, ITS ON, HERE...WE..GO....

or instead you keep driving, teeth gritted, breathing shallow and the car is quiet windows up no radio, tryin to ground yourself, tell all the reasons it wont work and shouldnt happen and you know you aint doing nothing. You see the sign and move to the left, far from the off ramp. and nothing happens, everything goes back to normal. You resist and you refuse to admit to yourself just how bad you want to follow the trail you could drive in your sleep. Feeling old, lame, out the game, making excuses for yourself and why it aint a good idea and the small ember of knowing its all bullshit burns in your forehead and you hate playing this game telling yourself lies just to accomplish something you really dont even want to be doing anyways, but it just stuck somehow and now youre here and logic says it would be dumb to go back and you dont even know how you got here.

The minorr struggle every time you take this road is the last connection you have left with the life you used to lead, wondering if anybody noticed that you never around the store no more, if the guy that called you every day and hooked you up even remembers your name, phone numbers changed and everything you built up aint shit. You dont even know why you do it anymore, go by here, when theres 3 other ways, but you do it every time.

And as all this flickers thru your mind, you stay moving straight, pass your last chance for one for old times sake, and as that sign disappears you dont feel proud, you dont feel relief.
it feels like you got punched in the stomach. Your fantasy dies your chest sighs and disappointment fills your body .

So the landlord wants his house back and we move out tomorrow, two weeks in a hostel, ten days visiting family and then London again briefly again before I get my flight to Asia.

It's been 19, nearly 20, months since I moved in here with six friends and it's been good, in bad times. More of a home than I have had in ten years and the best people too.

Now they're all going or gone. One in Canada, one Australia, one NZ, two Hungary and the last two of us splitting for South Africa and Cambodia respectively. I'm a little sad by all this, but things change and we all agreed to get out of this fucking city.

Except one, which is good because it meant the house cat didn't get totally orphaned.

We have to leave here tomorrow when the landlord shows but I still have a guitar and suitcases and ebay stock to put in storage, plus a car that a person is supposed to come and buy between 6 and 10am. Nearly 3 now, so I had better pack and shave and shower then get some downtime.

Yeah I know no one gives a shit about my shit or what I am going through, cause I'm an annoying repetative "clingy" internet nobody...

My daughter is still "Missing", if she doesn't show by 3:30pm it will be her missing 24hrs.

Lawter said I can basically do nothing at all except file an emergy court order (i forget the term right now) and the child advocate would assess it and such.... yadda yadda....and I STILL might not be able to get her.

Basically I am fucked unless he has raped her or broken a bone or leaves the country with her.


I am still totally emotionally fucked.

Still no one cares.

and still I have nothing to get me fucked on to forget everything for 1 day so I can mellow out.

Oh well..... I'm just a loser.

Who cares about me. FTW.


I You Princess
I You Austin
I you D

Fuck..... I even love my family though they don't give a shit.

I guess another day or tears, coffee, maybe I'll eat today...who knows....

Maybe I'll just sleep the day away and wish for death again.

No one would miss me..... right.


Nope.

Well my son..... but he has his dad, he'd get over it easy enough.....he's young enough.

Yeah, I got nothing to take to kill myself or get high, or spun, or nod or anything..... I suck balls...

I don't even trust anyone enough to get all fucked with..... only 1 person.... my bru.... but he hates me..... so yeah.... I guess no getting fucked this weekend.

I dunno....

He doesn;t even read my Blog anyhow..... so how would he even know....

meh well....


I'll stay home and suck as usual.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Well, I've decided to back on paroxetine. The benefits outweigh the negatives. I initially thought that it would be best to experience my emotions uninhibited but, I can't tell what is real and what is completely blown out of proportion in my head.

I get the distinct impression that the woman I respect most is stepping further back from me. I'm trying to communicate to her that its okay if she is but I don't know if I am simply mindfucking myself or if all the signs and signals are what I believe them to be.

I'm thinking of stepping off. She's too good of a person to be an additional stress to. I truly love her and believe we could be great for each other but I guess it isn't in the cards right now.

I kinda feel like an idiot and realize that I really need to work on acceptance of things I can't change. I also feel kinda needy whereas I simply just need to know what's going on. This lack of knowing has me thinking all kinds of shit. I can handle the loss however painful it may be, I'm just struggling with the fact that I'm apparently not easy to talk to so I'm being avoided.

This horrible feeling, too shall pass and I WILL learn how to face life on life's terms.

I want to go to bed but I'm wide awake. Initially my inabilty to sleep was due to all the thoughts raging in my mind but I feel better after typing this into a journal.

I'm living and learning and I know that it can be bad but its never as bad as my brain makes it out to be.

My past happened for a reason. That reason will become apparent to me some day.

I wish I could get totally fucked up high/spun/nod
whatever term.

I srsly need to get fucked up to get over my shit.

My brother is useless, he's probably broke now and stash is done and anyhow he;d say no and rat me out.

Fuck, I need to get totally fucked up for the day/night.

I know no one enough to trust. I'm broke. I suck ass. Fuck Im such a loser I can;t even get high.

Right now I would get fucked on anything as long as it was with someone I trusted.....is 1 person.....

Yeah unlikely right now.


Though if Your not still mad at me rangrz, call me up and we can get fucked up ASAP.



..... though ......*sigh*..... I think I've pissed off everyone enough to hate me good for awhile....

I want to start dressing and looking more girly...not for anyone or anything..... just for myself.


I am sick of looking so tomboyish and called a boy.

I want to wear girly clothes, dresses and stuff, wear make up and stuff, earings and all that girly stuff.


I have no clue where to start though. I was raised with boys

What I look like in a dress but no make up.

Not that ayone cares, just that i have no one to talk with. I am sitting here in tears after being to my family lawyer. Basically unless she has been raped by him or broken arm or severe neglect. I have no chance in hell of ever getting my daughter....or if she chooses. They have brainwashed her so badly since she's been 2 that daddy is #1 and I am scum.
He hasn't allowed her to call me all week, he was supposed to drop her off at 3:30pm tonight and no show so far and it's almost 9pm.
I have been basically told that I will never get custody of my kid until she chooses to live with me.
I get home to Terry yelling at me, my kid (son) hating me and still mad at me, terry now in bed still pissy at me. EVERYONE (except lawyer) raging at me.
My pills arenlt working and I am depressed, anxious, panicy and just at some moments wish I could just die. No one would care.....that's how i feel.
Everyone has been raging at me, yelling at me, hating me, telling what a fuck up I am. How i am never going to get my daughter. How if my daughter doesn;t show up at all this month at all, I cant even call the cops, as long as they don't leave the country Shane is legally allowed to do anything he fucking wishes to do and I cannot do anything AT ALL about it.....
I am going crazy....I am bawling......I am so beyond fucked up....
NO ONE cares..... not my ex-fiancee, not my bestfriend, not my london bestfriend....not my kids....no one.....

I cant even get fucked up high or spun or nod, I know no one but the one person who wished not to see me that has anything like that.

I have no one to be here for me..... no friend.....no family......

Only thing family said is "suck it up, oh well, your fault"......

yes, that made me feel awesome.

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

FFUUUUUUUUCCCK!

All i wish is to be with someone right now that gave a shit about me, about what i am going through.....that they could hug me or hold me through the night..... that someone cared enough that i wouldnt feel like such shit and depressed and like wanting to die.

No one fucking cares......

Did anyone ever? Who knows.....

probably not.

I guess I'll just sit here alone all night and cry myself to sleep.

Who fucking cares.

I'm done with lying to myself, trying to convince myself that things are what I want them to be in order to save myself emotional and mental anguish.

The facts are simple and clear. I ignored them and now I feel stupid for believing lies. Lies I've been told and lies that I've told myself.

It will always be 'it is what it is'. I'm starting to see some things about myself.

I need to change. I need to accept things. I need to mind my own business.

People do what they want to do and then they lie in order to prevent losing what they chose to leave behind. You can't have everything. Consequences suck most of the time.

The facts stare me in the face and I accept them.

I feel so alone now, been having some very strage dreams here lately. I don't know if they are trying to tell me something or what is going on.
Here lately I have been trying to become active, show my self a little more. You know, looking productive like I'm a contributing member of society.
I hate putting on a front, telling people and showing people that I am happy, and everything is ok, but the fact of the matter is I'm really torn in the inside, after what has happened to me in my life I always look for that way to escape it all.

I have very little time left to know what to do. I have very little room to, and nothing to my name.
What is there for me to do? What are my options? I can't accept that I'm going to be homeless for ever, or I'm going to live in the darkness for ever. I know that someday things are going to be good.
I just don't see that right now, in this very second of my life.

I have thought of suicide countless times, ways, who's and hows, I just end up talking it out with people, and feel better. Then I go through the exact same feelings later and do the exact same thing again. Eventually those people are going to go their own ways, and then I will be left alone to solve these problems, and that really scares the shit out of me.

I don't know why I keep putting up with all of this.
I know the answer ( or the short answer) but I guess that I'm to big of a pussy to do any of that.

For now I'm going back into my depressive state, and block the sunlight out. Back under the covers.

This summer the world economic situation finally hit me, cancelled my plans to go on vacation to try and sell some of the vacant land I own . . . waste of time! I paid about $25,000 in property taxes for just half-a-year. Next year the value will go down but I still dread the future. It’s like our government is soooo corrupt and inept, they passed the Commodities Futures Trading Act in the last week of Clinton’s presidency. The legislators who promoted this should be in jail. This is what led U$A and most of the world -- Australia and a few other places seem to be rebounding – into despair. It makes me feel sick.

EDIT: Here's an example of how bad it is near where I live, these six lots (not mine) are an acre, each on a paved road (doubt they have utilities).

.

I've started the slow, agonising process of tapering down my clonazepam and replacing it with diazepam (which in turn will make it easier to taper off benzos completely). It's gonna be about six weeks before I'm completely off the 4-6mg of clonazepam a day, and on the equivalent dose of 80mg of diazepam a day. My body isn't liking this at all. I'm grumpy, aching, restless, having nightmares, shaking, sweating, and generally feeling like death. I hope it improves, cos I'm honestly not sure if I can take 6 weeks of this!

Someday soon and I don't know when,
Your little world will come crashing in,
Don't think twice, I'll be around......
Turn your back, someones gonna let you down!

You know that it's true.
Nobody led you on, they left that to you.

Now, you'll be alone when the sun comes up.
With your tattered little dreams and a broken cup. Then you'll have to trust yourself and don't beleive in anymore lies.

You waste your time, think too much.
Really make a mess of the things you touch.
Poor little bird with a broken wing, better look around now you know your losing everything!

It's just a game.

Thought you had it all lined up, somehow that's changed.
Now you'll have to run and not get caught, and you'll have to hide if you like it or not.

Then you'll have to trust yourself and don't beleive in anymore lies.

Someday soon and it won't be long. You'll ring the bell but they'll all be gone.
They took your jewels and your statues too, left you with a pile of things you never learned how to use!

Well here it comes again.
Showed us where it all began, well heres where it ends.

B.R.

well to start from the begining.

When I was 19-22 i had 40Gs, i met a man, he stole my money, we had a kid...a daughter....he "stole" not reallt stole I gave him temporary permission to take her....and he left me homeless in a women;s shelter. The "father" said once i got stable in a home and funds that he would return her..... he hasn;t. He has been working, dropping her off at his alcoholic mother's house for her to babysit. The he lost that job, and even though he barely works, he drops her off at this woman;s house each day while he goes to get pussy, sleep, or be on the internet all day. Then goes to work all day. This alcoholic grandma has been buying her clothes, food while in care....etc. Also while he was dating (not sure if they are still together or not, different people say different things) this girlfriend is the other one buying her things that she needs. Her "father" has paid not one cent in rent or food or anything for anyone but himself, though he does have a job. His car is such in debt from not being paid, it can be repo'd at anytime. He drives like a madman with a little baby in the back and lets my 9yr old who is barely 80Lbs sit in the front seat.
Now today out of the blue.... we weren;t even talking about any of this my littlr 4yr old.... MY child from another man who i live with..... he comes up to me and said "mommy, can I tell you a secret?" and i said "sure baby, anything" and he says "Amanda told me a secret that her daddy beats her" and i said "where did she tell you in the house?" he showed me MY room. Then i asked "did she tell you where she gets beat?" and he showed me the places.
I know 4yr olds can lie or exagerate or whatnot....this was at 4pm.....we kept on asking (with his father as a witness) every half hour at first and it kept on being consistant. Then at 6pm i wait 1hr and asked again....same thing....still consistant (the same "secret")...I asked again before bed at 8pm....again the same. If a 4yr old were to lie, fib or think saying something like that would help get his sister back......an error or lie would pop up somewhere. We are going to ask in the morning again to make sure.
I made a call to his therapist as she's been involved in knowing all this and asked her to call me back in the morning to give me her honest opinion on what i should do. Get my son assessed to make sure its not a lie or call CAS and the cops....or call my family lawyer or what come the morning.
Now I am all wound up all night....I dount i can sleep.
there are 2 people (one or the other or both ) that i wish was here Vanessa by bestfriend of 20yrs....or my bestfriend and bru.....well he knows who he is.....
I am in tears, I am so lost and my chest hurts, I am worried about a severe panic attack that will land me in the ER or worse heart issues (it runs in the family). My chest hurts, my soul hurts, my heart hurts..... i just wish so many things right now.....

A couple of days ago when I was driving to Auckland with Lydia, at my usual 140-150 kph along the motorway, I passed a van parked on the side of the road. My radar detector didn't beep (I'm now guessing it's a useless piece of crap, especially since I bought it for a point of meth), so I continued driving at the same speed. Then I noticed a sudden flash from the rear window of the van. Fuck!

So now I'm expecting a hefty speeding ticket to arrive in my letterbox within the next few days. Hopefully the camera didn't catch Lydia sitting in the passenger seat, cos I'm not supposed to be carrying passengers either! That'd be another fine on top of the speeding ticket. But fuck it, I'm not gonna pay. Speed cameras are just revenue gathering tools for the cops. If they want the fine that badly, they can summon me to court! Then I'll explain how terribly poor I am, and arrange to pay it off $10 a week for a year or so.