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I wish I could get totally fucked up high/spun/nod
whatever term.

I srsly need to get fucked up to get over my shit.

My brother is useless, he's probably broke now and stash is done and anyhow he;d say no and rat me out.

Fuck, I need to get totally fucked up for the day/night.

I know no one enough to trust. I'm broke. I suck ass. Fuck Im such a loser I can;t even get high.

Right now I would get fucked on anything as long as it was with someone I trusted.....is 1 person.....

Yeah unlikely right now.


Though if Your not still mad at me rangrz, call me up and we can get fucked up ASAP. :)



..... though ......*sigh*..... I think I've pissed off everyone enough to hate me good for awhile....
I want to start dressing and looking more girly...not for anyone or anything..... just for myself.


I am sick of looking so tomboyish and called a boy.

I want to wear girly clothes, dresses and stuff, wear make up and stuff, earings and all that girly stuff.


I have no clue where to start though. I was raised with boys :(

What I look like in a dress but no make up.

NSFW:
Not that ayone cares, just that i have no one to talk with. I am sitting here in tears after being to my family lawyer. Basically unless she has been raped by him or broken arm or severe neglect. I have no chance in hell of ever getting my daughter....or if she chooses. They have brainwashed her so badly since she's been 2 that daddy is #1 and I am scum.
He hasn't allowed her to call me all week, he was supposed to drop her off at 3:30pm tonight and no show so far and it's almost 9pm.
I have been basically told that I will never get custody of my kid until she chooses to live with me.
I get home to Terry yelling at me, my kid (son) hating me and still mad at me, terry now in bed still pissy at me. EVERYONE (except lawyer) raging at me.
My pills arenlt working and I am depressed, anxious, panicy and just at some moments wish I could just die. No one would care.....that's how i feel.
Everyone has been raging at me, yelling at me, hating me, telling what a fuck up I am. How i am never going to get my daughter. How if my daughter doesn;t show up at all this month at all, I cant even call the cops, as long as they don't leave the country Shane is legally allowed to do anything he fucking wishes to do and I cannot do anything AT ALL about it.....
I am going crazy....I am bawling......I am so beyond fucked up....
NO ONE cares..... not my ex-fiancee, not my bestfriend, not my london bestfriend....not my kids....no one.....

I cant even get fucked up high or spun or nod, I know no one but the one person who wished not to see me that has anything like that.

I have no one to be here for me..... no friend.....no family......

Only thing family said is "suck it up, oh well, your fault"......

yes, that made me feel awesome.

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

FFUUUUUUUUCCCK!

All i wish is to be with someone right now that gave a shit about me, about what i am going through.....that they could hug me or hold me through the night..... that someone cared enough that i wouldnt feel like such shit and depressed and like wanting to die.

No one fucking cares......

Did anyone ever? Who knows.....

probably not.

I guess I'll just sit here alone all night and cry myself to sleep.

Who fucking cares. :(
I'm done with lying to myself, trying to convince myself that things are what I want them to be in order to save myself emotional and mental anguish.

The facts are simple and clear. I ignored them and now I feel stupid for believing lies. Lies I've been told and lies that I've told myself.

It will always be 'it is what it is'. I'm starting to see some things about myself.

I need to change. I need to accept things. I need to mind my own business.

People do what they want to do and then they lie in order to prevent losing what they chose to leave behind. You can't have everything. Consequences suck most of the time.

The facts stare me in the face and I accept them.
I feel so alone now, been having some very strage dreams here lately. I don't know if they are trying to tell me something or what is going on.
Here lately I have been trying to become active, show my self a little more. You know, looking productive like I'm a contributing member of society.
I hate putting on a front, telling people and showing people that I am happy, and everything is ok, but the fact of the matter is I'm really torn in the inside, after what has happened to me in my life I always look for that way to escape it all.

I have very little time left to know what to do. I have very little room to, and nothing to my name.
What is there for me to do? What are my options? I can't accept that I'm going to be homeless for ever, or I'm going to live in the darkness for ever. I know that someday things are going to be good.
I just don't see that right now, in this very second of my life.

I have thought of suicide countless times, ways, who's and hows, I just end up talking it out with people, and feel better. Then I go through the exact same feelings later and do the exact same thing again. Eventually those people are going to go their own ways, and then I will be left alone to solve these problems, and that really scares the shit out of me.

I don't know why I keep putting up with all of this.
I know the answer ( or the short answer) but I guess that I'm to big of a pussy to do any of that.

For now I'm going back into my depressive state, and block the sunlight out. Back under the covers.
:(
This summer the world economic situation finally hit me, cancelled my plans to go on vacation to try and sell some of the vacant land I own . . . waste of time! I paid about $25,000 in property taxes for just half-a-year. Next year the value will go down but I still dread the future. It’s like our government is soooo corrupt and inept, they passed the Commodities Futures Trading Act in the last week of Clinton’s presidency. The legislators who promoted this should be in jail. This is what led U$A and most of the world -- Australia and a few other places seem to be rebounding – into despair. It makes me feel sick.

EDIT: Here's an example of how bad it is near where I live, these six lots (not mine) are an acre, each on a paved road (doubt they have utilities).

The 6 properties assessed at over $51,000 are available for only $12,700 with for only $297 down and low monthly payments. Here's a link to a satellite map of the lots.​
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I've started the slow, agonising process of tapering down my clonazepam and replacing it with diazepam (which in turn will make it easier to taper off benzos completely). It's gonna be about six weeks before I'm completely off the 4-6mg of clonazepam a day, and on the equivalent dose of 80mg of diazepam a day. My body isn't liking this at all. I'm grumpy, aching, restless, having nightmares, shaking, sweating, and generally feeling like death. I hope it improves, cos I'm honestly not sure if I can take 6 weeks of this! :(
Someday soon and I don't know when,
Your little world will come crashing in,
Don't think twice, I'll be around......
Turn your back, someones gonna let you down!

You know that it's true.
Nobody led you on, they left that to you.

Now, you'll be alone when the sun comes up.
With your tattered little dreams and a broken cup. Then you'll have to trust yourself and don't beleive in anymore lies.

You waste your time, think too much.
Really make a mess of the things you touch.
Poor little bird with a broken wing, better look around now you know your losing everything!

It's just a game.

Thought you had it all lined up, somehow that's changed.
Now you'll have to run and not get caught, and you'll have to hide if you like it or not.

Then you'll have to trust yourself and don't beleive in anymore lies.

Someday soon and it won't be long. You'll ring the bell but they'll all be gone.
They took your jewels and your statues too, left you with a pile of things you never learned how to use!

Well here it comes again.
Showed us where it all began, well heres where it ends.

B.R.
well to start from the begining.

When I was 19-22 i had 40Gs, i met a man, he stole my money, we had a kid...a daughter....he "stole" not reallt stole I gave him temporary permission to take her....and he left me homeless in a women;s shelter. The "father" said once i got stable in a home and funds that he would return her..... he hasn;t. He has been working, dropping her off at his alcoholic mother's house for her to babysit. The he lost that job, and even though he barely works, he drops her off at this woman;s house each day while he goes to get pussy, sleep, or be on the internet all day. Then goes to work all day. This alcoholic grandma has been buying her clothes, food while in care....etc. Also while he was dating (not sure if they are still together or not, different people say different things) this girlfriend is the other one buying her things that she needs. Her "father" has paid not one cent in rent or food or anything for anyone but himself, though he does have a job. His car is such in debt from not being paid, it can be repo'd at anytime. He drives like a madman with a little baby in the back and lets my 9yr old who is barely 80Lbs sit in the front seat.
Now today out of the blue.... we weren;t even talking about any of this my littlr 4yr old.... MY child from another man who i live with..... he comes up to me and said "mommy, can I tell you a secret?" and i said "sure baby, anything" and he says "Amanda told me a secret that her daddy beats her" and i said "where did she tell you in the house?" he showed me MY room. Then i asked "did she tell you where she gets beat?" and he showed me the places.
I know 4yr olds can lie or exagerate or whatnot....this was at 4pm.....we kept on asking (with his father as a witness) every half hour at first and it kept on being consistant. Then at 6pm i wait 1hr and asked again....same thing....still consistant (the same "secret")...I asked again before bed at 8pm....again the same. If a 4yr old were to lie, fib or think saying something like that would help get his sister back......an error or lie would pop up somewhere. We are going to ask in the morning again to make sure.
I made a call to his therapist as she's been involved in knowing all this and asked her to call me back in the morning to give me her honest opinion on what i should do. Get my son assessed to make sure its not a lie or call CAS and the cops....or call my family lawyer or what come the morning.
Now I am all wound up all night....I dount i can sleep.
there are 2 people (one or the other or both ) that i wish was here Vanessa by bestfriend of 20yrs....or my bestfriend and bru.....well he knows who he is.....
I am in tears, I am so lost and my chest hurts, I am worried about a severe panic attack that will land me in the ER or worse heart issues (it runs in the family). My chest hurts, my soul hurts, my heart hurts..... i just wish so many things right now..... :(
A couple of days ago when I was driving to Auckland with Lydia, at my usual 140-150 kph along the motorway, I passed a van parked on the side of the road. My radar detector didn't beep (I'm now guessing it's a useless piece of crap, especially since I bought it for a point of meth), so I continued driving at the same speed. Then I noticed a sudden flash from the rear window of the van. Fuck! :!

So now I'm expecting a hefty speeding ticket to arrive in my letterbox within the next few days. Hopefully the camera didn't catch Lydia sitting in the passenger seat, cos I'm not supposed to be carrying passengers either! That'd be another fine on top of the speeding ticket. But fuck it, I'm not gonna pay. Speed cameras are just revenue gathering tools for the cops. If they want the fine that badly, they can summon me to court! Then I'll explain how terribly poor I am, and arrange to pay it off $10 a week for a year or so. :)
I received this from a professional mentor to a family member (and close family friend). I figured it would fit this month's theme well. I am in better spirits than I was before I read it. I hope you do too.

Being Grateful

Some of you may be celebrating this Thanksgiving with warmth, laughter, hugs, turkey and pumpkin pie. Some of you may feel stranded, like the marble that rolled away from the group, stuck with the dust bunnies in outer space, abandoned under some old furniture. And some of you may feel stranded in broad daylight, surrounded by people, feeling invisible, or worse yet, as visible and broken as a car wreck on the side of the road, strangers gathering to gawk at the shattered glass.

For many, the holidays can bring up discomfort. They can be some weird checkpoint in life--where you find yourself comparing your entire life to the fantasies you have in your head of how your cousin, neighbor, or sister-in-law is pulling it off. Let me tell you something, no one is pulling this off. No one is spared challenge or confusion in this life. Everyone, consciously or not, is seeking to find peace, comfort and communion with their own soul.

Anyway, I don't know about you, but in holidays past, I've had the feeling of standing in some bad, funky, psychodrama, and feeling as though my head is a big pink balloon floating away from my neck and onto the ceiling. And that's before I touched the alcohol. There are those easy breezy questions people ask, stuffing celery sticks and chips into their mouth. "So what you doing these days?" they ask, and you stand there paralyzed, thinking to yourself, "Well, if I knew what I was doing, do you really think I'd have 200 self-help books, a coach, a therapist, a Vedic astrologer, and a medium?" Sometimes, I find myself itching to answer these questions with, "Could you be more specific? When you say, what are you doing these days, do you mean on the astral planes or do you mean in physical time?" Of course if you're lucky, some celebrity may have died recently and you can pick apart their lives and spare your own.

So whatever your holiday experience might be, this Thanksgiving Day, I'm inviting you to my table. It's a table of soul, and it's big. It includes all of us, even those of you around the world, who don't celebrate this tradition. Thanksgiving is about gratitude, and realizing the bounty all around you. If you're reading this newsletter, you're part of my harvest. I am so grateful for you, and everyone around this amazing globe who is walking a new path in the world, consciously exploring what life means to them, and choosing to live with more love and intention than they did before. It's a big table, I tell you, and there's a party going on.

Here's what goes on at the table of soul. You suspend self-judgment for a day, and take in everything wonderful about you. You bask in gratitude for your absolutely gorgeous self. It's not easy to be creating a joyful, passionate, and inspired life. And it's even harder to be making choices that lead to an uninspired one. So wherever you find yourself on that spectrum, please take a moment, if not many, to muster up some gratitude for your choices, lessons, and strength this year. Let's face it, it hasn't always been easy living in your own skin and daring to honor your instincts, but you're still trying. And that's everything.

Let me tell you, just a tiny bit of why I'm grateful for you.

I'm grateful to you for all those times you gave yourself another chance at new life, showed up at a workshop, a network meeting, a party, a blind date, or even another day, when the gray one inside mumbled or hissed, "I don't feel like it." I'm grateful for the times you chose kindness over defensiveness, and the times you couldn't do it, but you wanted to. I'm grateful to you for exploring how to live your dreams, even when you're not sure what they are on some days-- or if you will ever find your own true place in the world. I am grateful to the part of you that knows you have a throne, garden, or a stadium in the world, and knows you are here to make a difference, and that you embody a light like no other-- because you do.

I am grateful to you for the dignity it takes to own your values when you live in a culture that advertises the leg room of the interior of an SUV as freedom, and at the same time makes fun of meditation and personal growth.

I am grateful to you for not giving up on your dreams even when they seem fragile or bruised, silly, or far-fetched, because everything that has ever changed the nature of the world began with something that was sideways and unpredictable. I am grateful to you for siding with the part of yourself that knows you have love and excellence and still believes, even if you haven't sold your novel yet, or filled your coaching practice, because "the one who believes" is a conscious steward of your gifts, and is connected to the bigger truth which is still emerging.

I am most grateful to you, for every time you've put an arm around your own shoulders and said "Hey, it's going to be okay. You have aces in your hand you don't know about. You have another day. You have a loving God that loves you through and through and through, and you have me, and I'm going to try harder than ever before to be on your side more often."
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Remember to be grateful for other people, too. They are making the best choices they know how, and sometimes they are frightened and covering it up with shopping or alcohol or bragging about their daughter. Use your ex-ray loving eyes, if you can, and look past their clever camouflage and beam some love into their tiny frightened hearts. You don't need them to respond. Just silently invite them to our table, because everybody is welcome here. Pass the peas please. And pass the peace.

With my love.
I am throwing a New Years Party...well if fianances allow. Going to be booze, non-alcoholic, food, snacks.

Ive never thrown one though and don't know where to start.

Any ideas people?


Plus, men..... what do you guys like for x-mas gifts?
I swing with how I feel about my drug use. Sometimes I think I’m being melodramatic, that I’m just the typical person who experiments with drugs; the kind who lives freely and fuck the daily grind, lives for fun. Other times, when I see the statistics or look back at the patterns of my own life, I panic – I’m scared that my path is somehow set in stone; that they way my life progresses from here is inevitable. It scares me so much because those are the times when I wonder how much control I really have. I would like to think that I can do anything, as long as I try hard enough, but sometimes it’s so hard. It’s so hard to use my mind, which loves drugs, which drives me to use them and justifies their use, to quit drugs. Doesn’t that seem like a paradox? That I’m trying to use the very thing that is addicted to cure my addiction? It seems to me this is what makes it so difficult. As strong as my conviction is in quitting right now, another day, it could be equally strong that it’s ok to use, that it’s not so bad, what the fuck am I worried about? As good as I am in coming up with strategies not to use, I’m equally good at finding ways to get around them; to justify why those ideas were stupid and unnecessary in the first place.

Sometimes it seems that I’m just at the whim of a mood I have no control over – if I wake up wanting to quit, I can put that in motion, but if I wake up convinced using drugs is a good idea, I can’t conceptualise it could ever be another way.

But I want to quit, I’m sure of that. I’m 22, I’ve been smoking ice for 6 years. I feel like I’ve run this race, I’ve got all there is out of it. I love the drug lifestyle, but I’ve experienced it now, I don’t think it has anymore new experiences to give, at least not ones I want. I could keep living this lifestyle, but this is as good as it’ll ever get. I don’t want to just move on to other drugs either, they’re not really exciting for me anymore. The whole scene has just become mundane, though of course, at the same time, wonderfully intoxicating. I just think, and hope, that there is more to life than this. I at least want to find out for myself what else life has to offer. I don’t regret the years I’ve used drugs, but there must be so much more out there. I want to experience everything. Once I’ve experienced everything, maybe I’ll conclude that the drug lifestyle is the best one for me. If that’s the case, I can comfortably make an informed decision to go back to it. But not til I’ve experienced everything else.

It’s funny, because I can sit here and spill this shit and it sounds great and meaningful and right, and go out and love using drugs tomorrow. I was just watching a show on SBS, about alcoholics. It said again that addictions are chronic, relapsing conditions; that 9 people in their AA meeting had died from their alcoholism since the start of the year. It makes me panic again, I’m so scared for myself, I swear that that wont be me, that I’ll be one of the ones that gets out of this, a success story. And yet…at the same time, I’m thinking of my friend’s birthday party on Saturday. She’s already told me she’ll be doing meth and I’ve avoided making a decision about this party. Not thinking about it so I’m not responsible. So far my thoughts have been vague, along the lines of ‘Oh I’ll decide when I get there if I’ll use or not…’ Ha. Are you fucking serious? I know what the result would be with a plan like that, but it’s easier not to think. Thinking about making a decision so I don’t use panics me more than thinking about where my life could end up. In the end I made the right decision, I am 100% sure I won’t use at this party. Because in the end, I tell myself, it’s one night, who really cares.
havent been to court but duty counsel and see my lawyer friday.

From what i have heard so far, even without the alleged abuse, i have good chances of getting her.

I just need to get clothes and stuff for a 10yr old now and we are almost broke until the 14th. We can get the funds within 24-72hrs for clothing.

I will update more come morning. I need to relax and take this all in and relax in my bubble bath.

Thank you to the one's who have been supportive of everything (Sweet P, Drug_wench, Mariposa, and anyone else i missed that has.... my brain just aint working right now).

Thanks everyone.

More so, sorry to my bestpal rangrz and THANK YOU for putting up with all my bullshit and drama lately. I love you big time bru. <3 You know life would suck without you my crazy bestpal :p LOL :)
My friend and I leave and immediatley starts in on how my mother in law has ocd b/c her house was too clean, how she was so pissed that everyday has to be about my husband and that even on Thanksgiving he has to make the day about him and his poor health.
she says she feels sorry for him suffering like he does but that I suffer but don't take it out on everyone else-She goes on and says that noone is worried about me, that I stretch myself too thin trying to keep track of all of my husbands appointments and medications and blah blha blah-
Sounds like she is trying to be a caring friend and she is worried about me BUT she then contradicts herself when we get home and she is furious I am not with my husband and making sure he is okay-
I wanted to go to the hospital but my husband said he wouldn't go if I went b/c I am always the one who has to care for him, if his father was offering, he'd go with him, he wanted me to try to relax for one day.....
well of course, im worried sick about what could be wrong with him and I'm calling every 30 minutes to find out if my father in law has any news for me- The first call he sayd they have him on a dilaudid drip and that they were trying to get him out of pain- they might do a chest xray- my friend FLIPS.
I mean screaming-yelling, pacing the room angry that I am not flipping out that now my husband is going to suffer more withdrawing from pain meds etc. (which my husband should be on regularly anyway) and she in one sentence says why am i not worried and in the next says that he needs it- she says she is sick of walking on eggshells for my husband and that se can't take his grumpiness (she used alot of other words- I am summarizing as best I can) and tries to turn it all around on me when i said ' i know what dilaudid is and sure im worried' - Saying by saying that I was making her the bad guy?!?!
I don't freak out like she does.
She flips out about everything- so b/c Im not she is angry.
Then she has this list of complaints about my husband and his family- all of whom have welcomed her into their homes being gracious and kind- it was like a slap in the face .
So then I ask her "what is your solution then?" and she snaps back with evil eyes and major attitude "I guess i will just go to the dr. and get put on horse tranquillizers so I can be a fuckin' zombie anad not reactto the horrible things going on around me!!!' Basically insinuating that I am a zombie b/c I am not acting out like a basketcase every other day.
She continues and everything i say she twists around and then accuses me of making her "the bad guy"- I hadn't at that point.
I let the rude and ungrateful shit she was spewing out of her mouth go and was trying to stay level.....all the while worried about my husband. Then I call my father in law again and we find out my husband has pluerisy- which is inflammation of the linging of his lungs and that is why he was in so much pain- she hears this and yells "well, andrew runs off to the hospiital over a lung infection and gets shot up with basically morphine- maybe i will go up there and say my heart hurts so i can get shot up too!!" - Im thinking-
who are you? what is wrong with you? are you 12? where is the ratioinale in what you are saying??
She contnues picking and picking at me- about an hour of her screaming and carrying on and i finally snapped.
I am embarrassed of my behaviour b/c I was cruel and I literally tried to get her to stand up and fight me.
I said some nasty things to her- true things, but hurtful......
I told her she is always twisting up my words, and everyone elses to make herself the victim.
She hears what she wants so she can be a victim and I am tired of playing her bullshit games.....
I said alot more- I called her all sorts of names and was just downright evil to her.
I fell into what I hate most in people.
I pride myself on being able to control my temper- (I used to be a very angry teenager but learned to be calm and peaceful.....I never believe fighting is an answer) and if you know my history with my father, that made it worse b/c I was acting like the person he thinks i am......which I am not..
But I knew I was on the verge of a breakdown.....
I knew it. I just never imagined I'd become some monster and unleash hate on someone.....even someone who just spreads negativity wherever she goes.....
I was hateful and it bothers me.
I could not take another moment of her bullshit.
I felt like- I let you into my home, asked nothing of you and listened to you cry for 15 yrs about poor you and the 2 times I really needed you, your turned your back on me. I forgave and befriended you and you come into my house and disrespect me and the people I love.
My in laws who were nothing but kind and welcoming to her, she trash talked them?? I had had enough. It hurts to lose someone who I have known for so long but she was toxic to me.
She plays like she is looking out for you and then contradicts herself to play 'poor me' - So I lost a friend.
Then there are my parents who I have talked about before and won't go into here b/c I have let out alot already and I am starting to feel a little silly for dishing all of this on people.
I am not looking for sympathy- I am not looking for pity. I just needed a release. and this is just about the only place that is safe for me.
I just sometimes wonder how I can get up and smile and try to stay positive when I all of this is crumbling down around me.......
It's exhausting.
Ok where to begin...It's been a long while since I've journaled or posted in one of my groups as well. For some reason, on my days off, I keep getting sidetracked into the mental meth vortex land & also, my PC is very annoyingly slow. It takes 20 freaken minutes for it to start up, load, then pull up the application I want. My creative mode is like spur of the moment deal, and before I merely had to turn the damn thing on. Also, one of the disadvantages of not living alone make me open to interruptions, which somehow always manage to come during the rare event I actually have the patience, mood, and enthusiasm to get things done. The chemicals to hit me right, having to adhere to a work schedule, Mom, all these factor in. So, now is one of those times. It's about 2am or so and I'm spending another night at Aimee and Linda's, something I haven't done in a very long time. Mom is constantly getting on me about not being as sociable with normies like I was sober, & that raises suspicion and constant questions from her.

It seems weird and at times downright annoying that at well past middle age, I have to once again report to someone, mainly her, as to my whereabouts, and when I'll be back...I've ALWAYS hated that shit because, even I never know when I'll be back. Fuck, I come home when I feel like it, or when I sense it's time to leave my friend's pad. This hasn't happened though in 4 years. I'm well liked here, and having a job makes the last 4 1/2 yrs makes me appear semi responsible. Soooo, for 18 months I had a ball driving my sports car, especially after having to take the bus for over 2 years. Unfortunately, once I take meth and not committed to a strict schedule to practice, it's like being admitted into this awesome park with all the adrenaline pumping rides, let loose to go on as many and as often as I like. Who wants to go home back to the dull and boring day to day crap of responsibility? Not me.

On the up side, being high means never being bored. I love and enjoy work nights even more, and am astounded at how another 8 hr shift just ends, next thing I know, it's my weekend, YEA! Weeks go by, then months, and aside from going to work, coming home, paying my phone and rent bill, plus food, I refuse to sit down to the unpleasant tasks that life demands in addition to work and few bills I paid, because I don't want to leave the amuzement park. The down side, obviously are the consequences that follow. Probation garnished my wages 25% for some 4 months which could of been avoided, had I submitted to the necessary pain in the ass interruptions of going about the phone calls and foot work of stop the garnishment in the first place, argue with the probation people, get copies of new bills, fill out their paper work, and keep challenging them. If I had done so, I might or might not have gotten my payments lowered, but could have avoided the garnishment.

Laziness and fear are my worst character defects, the term used by Narcotics Anonymous for our faults or flaws. Those two have ALWAYS been my 2 worst destructive enemies. I still suffer from them sober, but evenually at the last minute actually do what it is I dread doing if the consequences are dire. March 23, 2009 was my official relapse date after 27 months clean, and it was X that I had relapsed on that night, and yes I had a lovely time. Three weeks later, meth crept back in and I think was only a May Mr. Prick came back into my life. I was fine financially, able to pay Mom her too high rent of $700/mo, all my bills, and my dope. This time, thus far, I hadn't shined on my job, and got to work on time. Then in July, the garnishment hit, and that was the beginning of the fuck ups and hassles. Bills started piling up, I simply couldn't pay Mom $700 anymore as I'd been doing last 4 years.

I'm feeling pretty annoyed at the moment. Me and drug_wench (she doesn't mind me writing about this) had a deal set up with a dealer who I've known and been friends with for nearly 2 years. We were only after a small amount of crystal - a quarter-gram between us, every fortnight, as we'd promised each other. We're trying to reduce our intake. Anyway, this dealer has never once let me down, but now, just as we have the money ready, he doesn't answer my texts. I've sent quite a few, and there's been no response whatsoever. :(

This is what I HATE about scoring drugs. No matter how friendly and how reliable the dealer is, there's always the possibility that things can go wrong. He's a good guy who wouldn't deliberately mess us around, so I'm guessing he's either in the midst of withdrawals (he's a very heavy user himself), he's sick in hospital, he's out of credit on his cell phone till dole day (the most likely option), or he's been busted again (which I doubt, cos I would have heard about it). I hate this uncertainly. I just wish I knew what was happening! :!
I'm going to use this blank page to get out what I'm keeping in- It may be spacey or not make sense but I need an outlet.......

I feel like the weight of the world is on me......
I need something to go right.
I need to rid myself and my home of the negative energy that is suffocating me and turning me into the idea of the person I don't want to be.

I don't even know where to start-
I will start with what consumes most of my days-
My husband has a mental illness-schizoaffective disorder......which if you know about is very difficult to deal with, on a daily basis and on a long term basis. People often overlook those who care for the people with mental disorders and it sucks. He also has some serious physical problems. He has this rare thing called Ankylosing Sondylitis. Basically his bones in his spine are fusing together, he has bone edemas throughout his body, the tissues around his bones,the tendons and the bones themselves are deteriorating. In the beginning of this, we dealt with it pretty well. We were happy to know what was wrong with him. It made us feel like 'now we know, lets work to fix the problem' - But as time went on and treatment after treatment wasn't working it became very frustrating. As a wife, I worry b/c each of these medications they are trying on him can have some serious long term side effects, like causing cancer, heart problems, increased pain (which seems so redundant), a lowered immune system......As a wife it is also hard to watch the one you love suffer. Every day I watach him suffer. It is heart wrenching. I literally feel like my heart burst with sorrow. I have always been the strong one- If you have read any of my blogs on my family or on my life or any of my posts on my life, you know- aunts, uncles,mother, even my grandmother has viewed me as the strength......They lean on me. So I try to play strong for my husband and his paretns and brother now too- but it is hard. I hide to vry. I go into the bathroom or outside and I cry.....I cry when I take a shower I cry when Im alone. I feel like I have noone to lean on. Why is it that everyone can lean on me, and I can't lean when I need release and support?
So, then we move onto me- B/c of my husbands illness and the medicatioins they are putting him on and wanting to put him on- we have decided to try again for a baby. Some of these medications may make it impossible for us later on down the line- I have fertility problems and I lost a baby in the past.....So we have to go through fertility treatment. I am going to use every penny I have coming to try to afford this......But I have some big health problems myself- I have fibromyalgia and I am borderline diabetic and I have a panic disorder (which may be situational and normally have generalized anxiety disorder??) So I am on alot of medicatioin- A benzo, A muscle relaxer, a diabetes med and gabapentin. I am so nervous b/c I have cut my gabapentin by onep ill and the pain is hard to bear. I go on with a fucking smile on my face dreading when I have to walk up my stairs, or do simple tasks like lift the laundry out of the dryer......How will I feel when I have weaned off of them completely? I smoke- so in a few days I am quitting smoking- I have cut down a little and I smoke like 4-5 cigarettes a day. I hear when you just get off your period it is easiest to quit- so that is my plan. I am scared. Scared for the pain,scared we won't concieve, scared we will and I will miscarry......I know I want a child and my husband wants a child-I am scared this will be our only chance......
Onto the next subject-
My best friend was living with us.....she was in a bad place blee blah blee and we let her stay with us. We didn't ask for rent or for anything of her except for her to take care of her mental and physical health (she is ocd/bipolar/god knows what else) and we welcomed her in. Well, she came at just the wrong time (though we were happy to have her) we were just in the middle of switching one of my husbands treatments and things were tense. He wakes up in pain, and I do too- I am used to that. I know as he knows- we each need about an hour to oil up our joints and get awake enough to deal with others......I don't bother him, he doesn't bother me. She wakes up and wants to talk about everything going wrong in her life- I would listen and be a friend as I always have to her-
While we are at my inlaws house for Thanksgiving- My mother in nlaw (who I love VERY much) walks out of the room and my friend says "aaawwwkwaaaarrrd" talking about my mother in law! That got to me, but I let it pass- (It was her first time meeting them and I guess felt uncomfortable which is understandable but she said it in a way that was snotty)
Then my husband was not doing well and the night before was coughing and gasping for air in his sleep and woke both my friend and myself up and we were scared for him- I finally rolled him onto his side and he was able to breathe- so at dinner on Thanksgiving he couldn't eat- he was complaining of his chest hurting really bad and his ribs (which he has been for a while now but it was worse) so his father takes him to the hospital. My friend and I help my mother in law clean up and my mother in law was sweet and packs us up left overs.......continued on next blog
I am going to be fighting for custody of my daughter even though in the process I might lose friends, maybe even my bestfriend.

She is my baby, my world. I would die in a second for her and no one unless they have been a parent even for 2 seconds would understand that love.

I am going against a man who BEAT me on a TTC platform and NO ONE, not even the TTC did shit all. In which caused me to miscarry my twins in which i was in my 2nd term.

Then the fucker sodimized me, he violently shoved things up my ass for fun from belts to dildos found in the dirty trash to broom sticks to whatever he could find and violently fuck my ass until I was in tears.

He's threatened to hit me several times.

He's stolen 20Gs from me.

He stole my daughter from me.

He raped me several times over, over months near the end. Every night i would fall asleep i would wake up to his STD infected dick in my ass or vagina unwanted.

Then people wonder why I am scared of him, why I fear of what he'll do to me or my kid.

People think i am just out to be clingy or wanty.... no I need a friend to support me and only person to be a REAL man was a man in complete agony who is DYING of pancreatic cancer.

*sigh*

LIFE.
The theme for the next two weeks is FAMILY.

Maybe you have some Thanksgiving family stories, some Holiday traditions in your familiy, just some family memories you'd like to share or maybe a little venting about family dramas ;)
Whatever it is....Let's hear about FAMILY.
Another poster I made, using a photo of my clonazepam 2mg tablets. I guess it's trying to show that some doctors are just as bad as street dealers when it comes to prescribing addictive drugs!

well fellow bl'ers everything has been going to plan i'm down to taking 2 to 3 mgs now. And tomorrow i'm cutting back to 1 to 2. But i got to say i fucked up two days ago. I did a 40 mg OC i have turned down free patches and opana 40s and it was something about this day i was running out of xanaxs and this person bought bout 10 80s ocs and he gave me a half. I did it. It didn't make me sick. But the next day after that i didn't take no subs didn't want to be sick. I wanted to wait till hr 36 came rolling around and that wasn't too hard either it kinda seems like i could do a pain day or two a month and still be ok. But i just got 30 more 8mg subs. today. I thought that i was going to run out and my buddy came through. ;) thank GOD for my bro CHUCKY hahahahaha..
Peace to all %)
I got to admit its getting better a lil better all the time;) eat a peach for peace
well fellow bl'ers everything has been going to plan i'm down to taking 2 to 3 mgs now. And tomorrow i'm cutting back to 1 to 2. But i got to say i fucked up two days ago. I did a 40 mg OC i have turned down free patches and opana 40s and it was something about this day i was running out of xanaxs and this person bought bout 10 80s ocs and he gave me a half. I did it. It didn't make me sick. But the next day after that i didn't take no subs didn't want to be sick. I wanted to wait till hr 36 came rolling around and that wasn't too hard either it kinda seems like i could do a pain day or two a month and still be ok. But i just got 30 more 8mg subs. today. I thought that i was going to run out and my buddy came through. ;) thank GOD for my bro CHUCKY hahahahaha..
Peace to all %)
I got to admit its getting better a lil better all the time;) eat a peach for peace
1. Quit smoking

2. Study Muay Thai

3. Intentionally get beaten harshly

I need to be prepared to be there for those that need help, whether from themselves or from others.

This new life I have chosen 98 days ago will be placing me in dark territory with dark people.

We all die. I will die for a purpose.
A week ago today I went and fucked up again, almost right after an NA meeting too. I thought I was just going to hang out with an old friend for an hour or two and it turned into a five day run. I had no intention of using when I left up until the time when someone put it right in front of me. Even then all I really wanted was to call one person and beg them to come and get me. Something so fucking simple that I was scared to do cost me so much. I know that for myself I need to stay clean and if the gods don't hate me maybe things will work out. Granted I don't see much hope for this, the working out part at least.
Well over 90 days, one very important relationship and my drug test down the toilet. The bitch of it all is, getting high was even fun this time. It just made me miss...it just got me to think about my life.
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