day 76, and i aint got that itch....Not for now at least. it aint about that no more. it stopped bein about bein clean a little while ago. now its just about livin life. if i do use ill enjoy it and put it down the next day, back to real life. cuz it aint about dope, or about not doin dope. shit aint even a issue. i got far enough past the attatchment, the pull that it had on me. now that need is gone and so is the burning desire for more. its about breakin the hold it has on you. now that its gone im free, to do wat i want, and if that is to get high cuz its my birthday, or christmas, or my 6 month clean date, thats cool with me cuz i know that the pattern aint gonna be the same no more, the spell been broken, that dope demon aint possessing my spirit no more, i got other things on my mind and my heart & soul is strong enough to hold its own against the d without gettin consumed by it. im happy now but ill give myself more credit when i eventually use and stay clean afterwards than just not usin at all. its easy to say no or yes always. bein able to say no 99 percent of the time is alot harder. once i do that is when i really know i made it thru. my life aint gonna be about denying my self a pleasure that i like to indulge in its about the fact that my life is full enough n strong enough on its own that i dont need to "indulge" everyday to survive mentally n physically and that i am stronger n wiser enough now to be able to make it a lil "treat" for my self and not a repeat treat.
its ok to have fun sometimes but theres a difference between that and living a completely unreal heroin dream stumbling thru the clouds lost in a maze of vices and suffering . that aint somethin i plan to go back into. i got past all that, i broke the obsession and the crazy intensity of the feelings i had for diesel...now, i could take it or leave it. and for now im leavin it, but im sure ill take it sooner or later and enjoy my one for old times sake, but the need n desire to keep going after that is gone. my view is changing and i dont see it all from junkie eyes these days....
its ok to have fun sometimes but theres a difference between that and living a completely unreal heroin dream stumbling thru the clouds lost in a maze of vices and suffering . that aint somethin i plan to go back into. i got past all that, i broke the obsession and the crazy intensity of the feelings i had for diesel...now, i could take it or leave it. and for now im leavin it, but im sure ill take it sooner or later and enjoy my one for old times sake, but the need n desire to keep going after that is gone. my view is changing and i dont see it all from junkie eyes these days....
thanks for the love yo.
