Long Ass Update

Ok where to begin...It's been a long while since I've journaled or posted in one of my groups as well. For some reason, on my days off, I keep getting sidetracked into the mental meth vortex land & also, my PC is very annoyingly slow. It takes 20 freaken minutes for it to start up, load, then pull up the application I want. My creative mode is like spur of the moment deal, and before I merely had to turn the damn thing on. Also, one of the disadvantages of not living alone make me open to interruptions, which somehow always manage to come during the rare event I actually have the patience, mood, and enthusiasm to get things done. The chemicals to hit me right, having to adhere to a work schedule, Mom, all these factor in. So, now is one of those times. It's about 2am or so and I'm spending another night at Aimee and Linda's, something I haven't done in a very long time. Mom is constantly getting on me about not being as sociable with normies like I was sober, & that raises suspicion and constant questions from her.

It seems weird and at times downright annoying that at well past middle age, I have to once again report to someone, mainly her, as to my whereabouts, and when I'll be back...I've ALWAYS hated that shit because, even I never know when I'll be back. Fuck, I come home when I feel like it, or when I sense it's time to leave my friend's pad. This hasn't happened though in 4 years. I'm well liked here, and having a job makes the last 4 1/2 yrs makes me appear semi responsible. Soooo, for 18 months I had a ball driving my sports car, especially after having to take the bus for over 2 years. Unfortunately, once I take meth and not committed to a strict schedule to practice, it's like being admitted into this awesome park with all the adrenaline pumping rides, let loose to go on as many and as often as I like. Who wants to go home back to the dull and boring day to day crap of responsibility? Not me.

On the up side, being high means never being bored. I love and enjoy work nights even more, and am astounded at how another 8 hr shift just ends, next thing I know, it's my weekend, YEA! Weeks go by, then months, and aside from going to work, coming home, paying my phone and rent bill, plus food, I refuse to sit down to the unpleasant tasks that life demands in addition to work and few bills I paid, because I don't want to leave the amuzement park. The down side, obviously are the consequences that follow. Probation garnished my wages 25% for some 4 months which could of been avoided, had I submitted to the necessary pain in the ass interruptions of going about the phone calls and foot work of stop the garnishment in the first place, argue with the probation people, get copies of new bills, fill out their paper work, and keep challenging them. If I had done so, I might or might not have gotten my payments lowered, but could have avoided the garnishment.

Laziness and fear are my worst character defects, the term used by Narcotics Anonymous for our faults or flaws. Those two have ALWAYS been my 2 worst destructive enemies. I still suffer from them sober, but evenually at the last minute actually do what it is I dread doing if the consequences are dire. March 23, 2009 was my official relapse date after 27 months clean, and it was X that I had relapsed on that night, and yes I had a lovely time. Three weeks later, meth crept back in and I think was only a May Mr. Prick came back into my life. I was fine financially, able to pay Mom her too high rent of $700/mo, all my bills, and my dope. This time, thus far, I hadn't shined on my job, and got to work on time. Then in July, the garnishment hit, and that was the beginning of the fuck ups and hassles. Bills started piling up, I simply couldn't pay Mom $700 anymore as I'd been doing last 4 years.

 

Part 2 -- For the first time in 4 years, I experienced being flat broke down to the penny, which sucked, and hated just as much as when I'd lived this crap before. I couldn't save money, and of course that's when the car's timing belt broke, costing $1100, a sum I don't have, so back to the bus and depending on others for rides. I'm ok with the bus, although not having transportation can be a drag. I retreat in my room more so cause Mom last 2 months without fail launches into a tirade or inquisition about how she expects $800/mo when the garnishment ends.

For the most part I'm happy, but when Mom or some dick head government establishment starts gouging 1/4 to over 1/2 my income (Mom on the half) I freak out, clam up, and shut down. I was in a fairly good mood coming home from work, even though work didn't pay me this week. I had made arrangements with Sam, my driver to take me to get a payday loan advance so I could pay him for driving, and pay connect for the week. First time I've ever done so, and want it to be my last. I get inside the house after walking up hill from bus stop, put my shit away, and happened to walk to the kitchen, something I don't do half the time cause I go straight to bed when I come home.

I had errands to do, so that's why I saw the note she left me goin on about how she's not stupid, the garnishment has to have stopped by now, blah blah and as of Dec expects $800 every month. You know what, I just saw that and felt my blood pressure go straight through the roof and a very sarcastic loud laugh escape from my mouth. I wrote a 4 page note back, starting with "LOL Whatever, Mom....." but was so angry, she was unable to read past those words and it's true. I've always worked for my money, and I haven't expected to live there for free, but the anger kept building more and more, so I got dressed up into my tight black spandex pants and slinky black top and belt. I'm fully covered, but look like a slim goth woman dipped in black ink. "I'm going to Linda's and I won't be coming back tonight," I wrote.

I no longer gave a fuck that she didn't like it and would once again accuse me of using. This is beyond motherfucking rediculous, I thought and told Dave on the phone. For the last 4 yrears I've been forced to live in a hovel tiny ass room with no closet space, no drawer space because all bedrooms have HER shit stuffed in 5 goddamned closets, fuck of HER shit, plus the garage is packed wall to wall. I am on a very limited income. I did not ask to borrow money to buy another car because of her $800/mo rent threat if I did. I had also discussed the fact the 3 different friends had offered me rooms to rent, (closet, drawer space, and internet, cable, electric, included!) at $500/mo.

That is a much more realistic sum of money, and WAY more doable. I explained that I couldn't pay someone $500/mo AND pay her $200 for the damn attorney loan 2 years ago. She had said in that case, I needed to stay. I was tripping heavily walking downtown after Sam dropped me off about the fact that I didn't have a car to live in like I did when I had the Honda. For 10 weeks I had either stayed in my car, or from friend to friend, and occasionally spent the night at Mom's. I managed to save over $2000, a little cushion to have for when I DID move somewhere and pay rent. That's the position I found myself in again, only this time no damn car TO live in, CRAP! I simply do not have a lump sum of $1200 or $1500 to buy another used car. I didn't want to lose my clothes and crap all over again, fuck, for no where to put my stuff. Sigh.

Dave and I talked, he got me to calm down a little. I told Mom in the note she can expect $400 for Dec total or tell me to leave. I am behind on bills, and while I take some responsibility, the fact is it's so frustrating she won't accept a much more reasonable amount like $500 and get off my case, but now that I think about it, I'm no longer willing to tolerate having to sleep on a mattress on the floor in a cramped room w/o any drawer or closet space. I got pissed for the fact I've lived like a freaken damn animal being way overcharged while she takes all the dam space in a half acre house. I don't want to fight, but the money issue is gonna have to change for good, fuck this. Linda, Youst, Aimee, Cody, and the rest of the drug gang greeted me and listened as I explained my plight.

There might be a room for $425 available that she was supposed to take, but didn't. I can't see Mom accepting rent of $500/mo, but for one little glitch. If I leave, she won't get any money, but if I stay $500 is better than nothing. My connect didn't come through Monday, which was frustrating, I wanted my dope more than ever. I ended up scoring a $40 bag, prepared a fix for me, a line for Linda, then Aimee of course walked in. "Goddamn it, I'm out of money, I can't get more than one other person high." The begging, pleading, blah blah, fuck it, it's gonna be one of those days. It's bullshit, but they do welcome me into their house, use the pc, even feed me when I don't want it, cause I'll be distracted, otherwise suffer low blood sugar if they hadn't shoved a plate in my face a couple times last 2 days.

I enjoy the company, the drama, the dysfunction, because they put the FUN in dysfunction sometimes, but I also receive their dysfunctional love, as they receive mine. Aimee suggested that I be careful not to "go off" on Mom, and she's right. I just simply can't do $800/mo. I met Scott to score a $20 bag, which was shit quality and a point short. I HATE this bullshit point system. I can't get a hold of my Riverside connect he keeps finding some dumb ass pussy to fuck for days and tweak. I lost that sex drive foolishness years ago, so of course the bitches that are gonna fuck like beasts will take priority over a lovely looking, but celibate woman. I can't even entertain the idea of sex with someone I'm not in love with for the last 15 years for the most part. So, if I ever do manage to get a hold of Riverside guy, we're talking $90/teener instead of this fucked up $10/point crap. Finally, I got one more bag, the stuff is good, but it's way short. I need to get a scale. The pigs stole my last 2 good ones I had.

My regular connect got car impounded for lack of registration, told her that would happen, sure enough. I won't be seeing her til next week. The meth is great, but almost gone cause there was hardly any there to begin with, so have to pace myself. I enjoyed my visit, spent the night last night & Linda and I talked into the early AM til finally 4am I fell asleep, as I hadn't been to bed Monday morning from 8a-5p, so crashed for several hours Tues at 4am. Mom called me, said she couldn't read my note, but that she could tell I was pissed, said we needed to discuss this. Fine, but I'm staying at Linda's tonight. First time she didn't give me grief about it.

I'd planned to go out, but stayed at the house talking, or creating off the wall digital art on my phone instead. Next thing I know, it's already night time again, & I end up staying Tuesday night. The phone rings all hours of the night. People come and go all hours, lol, no limits here, but tonight it's been peaceful since 12:30am. A friend of Linda's called wanting to discuss overdose. "What's the problem? What's she doin?" He described symptoms of sleep apnea, which could potentially be brought on by too much meth from irregular heart/breathing. I suggested watching for spiked temp, elevate head, try have her crash on side or stomach to prevent chocking. People get kept up too long around here, they get grouchy or sleep hard for long periods of time. Linda hasn't been able to do her usual amount of speed cause the bank is holding her wages. So all she got was what I gave her, no wonder she's dead to the world.

My imagination is back full force with the crystal, it's a mental state of heaven, especially when I can illustrate and write to share with others. I'm also back down to a respectable weight of 165 lbs at a size 10. It's incredible how many compliments I'm given in regards to physical beauty, which ironically peaks on meth. I guess thats 75 lbs of fat gone in last 9 months. I can walk around, move, no more borderline diabetetes, high choloesterol, or high B/P sober the way I was fat. My feet no longer hurt when I walk, I can buy clothes from "normal" size shops. In many ways I feel so much better. At times though, I regret being more isolated than I'd like from family and normie friends. I miss my NA friends, but feel an obvious awkwardness knowing they are gonna have questions of concern for me and I can't really bring myself to lie. I hate lying to Mom, although I did fess up to the fact that I'm taking my Rx painkillers for migraines. There's always a trade off of good vs bad on the sober vs loaded kick..

 

hey babygirl , i dont think u kno me much, i aint sure if weve ever talked or if we did it was just a few words, but i have read your posts n journals a loonnng time, since the beginning when i first came on here in 2003. it says u register in 05 but u posted with a different name before that, right?

anyways...the point i was making a comment about was just that i have followed the ups n downs....I been happy for u when I seen that u was stayin clean....And I feel for u now too, cuz no matter wat NA tells u, it IS possible to not get back into old habits...Its just hard as fuck. But using dont mean your done for, that all your hard work at gettin n stayin clean is just gone. if u dont go back to that same life, its aight ..at least thats wat I think...I dont kno yo, but i jus wanted to send some love and say that i pray for u that u will keep up the strenth not to fall back, thats all. cuz it feels so good to do it....and doin it sometimes is OK, its cool, it aint like sudden death like NA make it out to be. it aint black or white, using and destined for jail or the grave, or not using and everythings happy and perfect. theres still a area in between...and that area is a nice spot to enjoy once in a while.

But sometimers if u aint careful, and i kno u know this too, when u give urself a little too much leeway, when u let it go on a little nit longer than it should, u get a case of the fuckits, and enter that transition zone between 'casual recreational user' and 'back to being closer to a junkie than a sober person'. when you kno you slippin, and you dont care...and just let yourself fall n fall...its like the beginning, all over again, and its fun again and not just gettin high to survive, its like the party way back when u first started as u give urself the permission to just let go, say fuckit, and binge out like old times. but, sooner or later u end up back in the everyday shit, and then its just that same old, shitty, boring ass routine that aint even fun or exciting and just sux.

I been clean off dope since Sept 10 (I think its 82 days) and i been to about 5 or 6 NA meetings. i seem to enjoy NA less or need it less, now that im clean , i liked it more when i was using. and i kno u use(d) opiates too, but the addict is still tne same wheter its heroin for me or meth for u. anyways tho, I got some sort-of plans to use and get nice and high for the holidays for a day or two n then get back on my methadone....we all deserve that lil guilty pleasure/reward for bein so good once in a while. as long as it dont get out of control again. so i hope u able to reach that balance of fun and responsibility in ur life and keep writin. B safe, b good, and god bless....
peace,
lacey