Another New Clean Date

A week ago today I went and fucked up again, almost right after an NA meeting too. I thought I was just going to hang out with an old friend for an hour or two and it turned into a five day run. I had no intention of using when I left up until the time when someone put it right in front of me. Even then all I really wanted was to call one person and beg them to come and get me. Something so fucking simple that I was scared to do cost me so much. I know that for myself I need to stay clean and if the gods don't hate me maybe things will work out. Granted I don't see much hope for this, the working out part at least.
Well over 90 days, one very important relationship and my drug test down the toilet. The bitch of it all is, getting high was even fun this time. It just made me miss...it just got me to think about my life.

 

Man, that really sucks but as I'm sure you know, recovery is a growing process and relapse is a normal part of that. As long as you keep getting back up and don't stay down, you're on the right track.

I had two months clean a couple weeks ago and everything was going well for me (or so I thought...) but some unresolved issues I wasn't dealing with combined with my laziness towards working the steps led to my most recent relapse. I ended up stealing $300 from my dad and driving 200 miles to a city in another state (i.e. to my original hometown where all my hookups are), dropped the 300 right off the bat on roughly 2 grams of H, shared some with my friend, ended up staying the night at his place when I originally meant to just score and drive the 200 miles back home, ration the dope and await the inevitable consequences. That ended up becoming a 12 day bender involving ridiculous amounts of shoplifting (as well as being chased on foot), pawning, a confiscated cell phone, a wrecked and impounded car, a freshly re-ruined relationship with my mother and of course the confrontation with my dad. Just got back home yesterday from that hell. Sorry to turn this comment into story time, but I feel better now that I've put it into words and typed it out.

Anyways, there's no way to ever tell when your last rock bottom is gonna be, but as long as you never give up on getting clean and staying clean. Go back to those meetings and even if you think half of the AA/NA stuff is bullshit, really give it a shot because you got about fuck else working for you, I'm assuming. A good sponsor can save you from making so many bad choices.....I'm rambling, but yeah, keep up the meetings, for real.

That part about wishing you had just called someone and had them come get you hit me like a ton of bricks. That's 'cuz I just realized if I had just called my sponsor instead of taking my dad's debit card, going to the atm, and then driving off to another state, I could have saved myself a *lot* of trouble. Like I said, it's a learning experience 8)