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...And write it on a piece of paper. and then past them around, so we would not know who did wat.

The one I drew up outta the hat, the answer to the thing that person was most scared of was, "The Future."

Well, That been me my whole life, But I think times a changin. Yea, I think I will post about my new found plan in here. Here it goes. As of May 1 I report to probation once a week for the first month, meaning that I will have to report once every two weeks probably for the month after that , meaning my ENTIRE SUMMER will not be a nice, hapy, clean time where I just pop suboxone and kpins and smoke weed to keep my mind off it. It will probably be like august or september before im on the monthly visits.

I would rather make it thru with as little dope as possible , really try for it this time, but weed is the only thing that can do this for me and keep my mind right and off the dope shit. So it aint gonna play out the way i want it.

No, It will be a DIESEL POWERED DOPESHOOTING FEST, And I plan to make the mutha fuckin BEST of it. I am gonna pump so much fucking heroin into my veins that Ima fall out every night and every morning at 9 am my mom will find me still past out on the lawn chair behind the back door with my cigarette burned out from the night before. Feelin the dew on my skin as i look around and realize the suns poppin up and the sky is light purple like DAMN that was a good nod.

Its gonna be fucking epic. Theres gonna be a whole lotta mutha fuckin time spent back in paterson up in here to, I thoroloughly plan to move back down and set my ass up right in the middle of the 4th ward where the dope is wild and free n the guns bust all night. The sun will be shinin and the diesel will be flowin, I think I will even smoke a rock or two in memory of the not-late great LiquidICE, my former partner in crime, whose bag of Chore Boy from last summer i found in my car not too long ago.

Base hits needle pricks cop spots and dope shots will be mine. The summer gonna stretch on and on and on, and when its over, and September 18th comes around and my license goes away for the next 24 months, Ima immortalize this sweet happy summer as my last one, load up the fattest 15-bagger I ever seen, and push off to the dreams thats waitin for me on the other side. The next couple months is gonna be great.

I KNOW MANY PEOPLE ARE TAKING SUBXONE 4 OPOID DEPENDENCY & HAVE GREAT TROUBLE FINDING A DOCTOR THAT ISNT TRYING TO CHARGE YOU $500 PLUS DOLLARS! i MYSELF AM TAKING THE SUBOXONE. i CALLED TONS OF DOCTORS THAT WERE CRAZIE PRICED! SO I HAVE THE NAME AND THE NUMBER TO A DOCTOR IN PHILADELPHIA,PA. THAT HAS REASONABLE PRICING. HIS NAME, TEL, AND ADDRESS IS LISTED BELOW....

Ramesh Parchuri MD
161 East Lehigh Avenue
Philadelphia, PA, 19125
Phone: (215) 423-4010

FOR THE FIRST INITIAL VISIT IS $175 AND EVERY MONTH AFTER THAT IS $100 DOLLARS. IT WELL WORT IT COMPARED TO SOME OF THESE DOCTORS THAT ARE TRYING TO GET RICH OFF OF YOUR DISEASE. HES A GOOD DOCTOR IN GENERAL!
ALOT OF PEOPLE WONT EVEN TELL YOU THEIR DOCTORS INFO. 2 HELP YOU OUT.
WELL HOPE THIS HELPS.
REMEMBER AINT NOTIN FREE IN THIS WORLD SO THIS MANS PRICING IS GOOD ENOUGH 4 ME COMPARED TO $500 AND UP.

awhile back in the news, there was a story about a mother who twittered about her son's death. she was working in the yard when her son fell into the pool. while at the hospital she sent out a tweet. she was blasted by some people for the carelessness of such an act.

the only reason i am mentioning that story is because when i found out my grandmother passed away earlier today, i sent out a tweet. i felt like telling someone, but didn't really feel like calling anyone specific. i find myself often posting stuff on BL or twitter just to get it out. half the time on this blog, i just start writing to sort out my thoughts.

So today was amazing... Have to dump 800 for school on Monday because of my procrastinating ass. No one told me it would take 4 weeks for loans to process!!

Beyond this, things have been crazy...

12/29 - Crystal Method, then the after party that lasted till 6 am.

12/30 - Kostas in Denver - pre new years bash

12/31 - Warehouse Rave in denver... Lots of craziness, mdma, whippies, furry people with pink jackets and weird wigs.

Then went to after party at a friends, didn't sleep, them our fabulous (and fucking LOUD talker friend ) Emi made her secret smashing Bloody Marys.

Them bitches were the most nutritious thing I ate (er um drank) in days!

Was drunk, again, by 11 am 1/1. Continued to party until 7 pm that night.

Then fell asleep for 3 days. LOL

In between I squeezed in school paperwork etc.

On thursday (1/7) a group of friends and I went to Club Beta. I LOVE THIS CLUB, I wish I lived in Denver so I could go every weekend!

We danced the night to some mediocre beats from Sydney Blu (she is signed on the same label as deadmau5) it was some sort of debut or something...

The crowd was weird tho, the guys were all grinding up in my shit. I do not do nasty dancing unless ur MGS. Thankfully my best guy friend Em saved the day with his majickal cock blocking skillz.

You can see pics of me before I went to the party in the lounge.

Now that my face isnt all leper looking. haha.


Here I am, getting ready for 2c-b and Avatar at the Imax.

Gotta shake this party animal before 16 credit hours in one semister.

Hells ya to burned brainz.

ciao
xox

Opana IV method has been proven effective 100% if any one is interested let me know

I'm a little late but we can start today
For Jan. 2nd thru 14th-
The new theme is
LIFE



--------------------------------------

We are low on Blog Themes-
We have two more to go on our list-
Our next theme is Photos.
Any suggestions???
Do you want to keep Blog Themes going?
Give us your opinions!!

Today, if my child had been born, would be one. (if born on his due date) ..........
While there is a part of me that wants to be sad- I am trying to remember the beauty of life, the gift that it is- I will give that gift to my child one day, when he is ready.......




The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. ~Henry David Thoreau



The creatures that inhabit this earth-be they human beings or animals-are here to contribute, each in its own particular way, to the beauty and prosperity of the world. -Dalai Lama


He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. ~Friedrich Nietzsche


The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched. ~Henry David Thoreau


The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss. ~Thomas Carlyle


There is a saying in Tibetan, “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.”
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster. -Dalai Lama


Life is a compromise of what your ego wants to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. ~Bruce Crampton

like I said, there hav bn more...
and I'm looking at buying another one!
just remember, like last time:
- M=mare, G=gelding, S=stallion, F=filly, C=colt (an ungelded male/female below age 4 is a colt [ungelded male] or filly [female])
- TB=thoroughbred, SB=standardbred
- an Anglo-Arab is a cross between thoroughbred and Arab blood
- a roan is any solid colour with white flecks through the coat; an overo is a pinto (horse with patches) where the base colour is a solid colour wiv white patches on it (a sabino overo is an overo wiv a white patch on the head, one/several legs and often a patch on the stomach); fleabitten is a term for a light-grey horse wiv tiny dark flecks covering the coat

also, remember that all these horses r possibly doing diffrent things now - evrything I've stated about each horse has bn at the time I owned it

TARANTELLA (RIP) - The most gentle thoroughbred I've ever owned
Known as: Tazzie
Colour: Fleabitten grey, white mane/tail
Height: 16hh
Age: 21yrs
Sex: M
Breed: TB (Sire: BLACK SABBATH, Dam: SOUTHERN SPIRIT)
Used for: Fun-rides, breeding
Forte: Teaching people to ride
Personality: Kind, gentle, easy-going

SUNDOWN PETITE - The most complicated horse I've brought on
Known as: Peanut
Colour: Chestnut roan, stripe and sock
Height: 15hh
Age: 11yrs
Sex: M
Breed: Anglo-Arab (Sire: BROKEN ARROW [TB], Dam: MISHINDI [Arab])
Used for: Fun-rides, Pony Club, rodeo, mounted games
Forte: Barrel-racing
Personality: Spirited, irritable, sensitive, aggressive

WAIMEHA ROSEMARY - Would be a perfect horse for me now, but too much back then sadly
Known as: Rosie
Colour: Steel grey, dark grey mane/tail
Height: 15.3hh
Age: 4yrs
Sex: M
Breed: Anglo-Arab (Sire: ARGONAUT STYLE [TB], Dam: WAIMEHA CHARLOTTE [Arab])
Used for: Fun-rides, Pony Club
Forte: Dressage
Personality: Spirited, sensitive, willing, keen

BLAZE OF GLORY - I can't wait to break this little guy in
Known as: Blaze
Colour: Chestnut sabino overo pinto
Height: should reach 14.3hh
Age: 2yrs
Sex: G
Breed: PaintXKaimanawa wild horse (Sire: RIO GRANDE [Paint], Dam: KAIMANAWA CASCADE [Kaimanawa wild horse])
Used for: Training
Forte: Lunging
Personality: Shy, gentle, quiet, well-mannered

SPIRIT OF THE KAIMANAWAS - The tiniest, cheapest all-rounder I ever brought on
Known as: Spirit
Colour: Bay, stripe
Height: 12.3hh
Age: 7yrs
Sex: M
Breed: Kaimanawa wild horse (Sire/Dam)
Used for: Pony Club, showing, fun-rides, eventing, mounted games
Forte: Showing
Personality: Generous, friendly, kind, keen

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS - A gentle giant
Known as: Sponge
Colour: Chestnut, star
Height: 16.3hh
Age: 7yrs
Sex: G
Breed: TB/SB/Clydesdale (Sire/Dam)
Used for: Game-hunting, fun-riding, mustering cattle
Forte: Stockwork
Personality: Calm, aloof, obedient

JOINT VENTURE - The one and only 'stoner' horse (he actually tried to grab joints off people)
Known as: Jay
Colour: Bay
Height: 16hh
Age: 3yrs
Sex: G
Breed: TB (Sire/Dam)
Used for: Fun-riding, dressage
Forte: Dressage
Personality: Stubborn/lazy, affectionate, kind

INFINITE DREAMS - My hopes lie on this new horse
Known as: Dream
Colour: Chestnut
Height: 16hh
Age: 4yrs
Sex: M
Breed: TB (Sire: RACING IS FUN, Dam: IN THE MONEY)
Used for: Breeding
Forte: Dressage
Personality: Affectionate, calm, peaceable, stoical



NOW I CAN CONFIDENTLY SAY IVE INTRODUCED ALL THE HORSES I HAVE OWNED, WHETHER I HAD THEM TO BRING ON/SELL FOR PROFIT, OR THEY WERE HORSES FOR ME TO USE FOR HIGHER LEVELS OF COMPETITION

This ones verrry old - I was a vein virgin back then...

15/2/03 (18yrs) - My Valentine
I haven't written for a few days because I couldn't be fucked. Because I've got a stink memory I'll just outline as much as I remember from these few days. I'm a bit fried as well; I'm at that point where I'm not flying and I don't feel like I'm coming down but my brain's all cobwebby and I feel quite scattered.
On Wednesday I slept all day because the rally took a bit out of me, then Harley came over.
Basically when I combine working Scooby and smoking P I'm always wasted the next day.
On Thursday I slept in for ages then went on the net, played music and hung out for P and friends.
Harley finished work late but I was happy because Matt had got a long weekend and was driving me up to Auckland to see Mum. We met Matt in the gravel pit at Karaka and shared a pipe. A couple of piggies passed which was a laugh - they didn't look twice at us, thank God, what with an ounce on Matt and his dodgy Escort unregistered. From there we picked up Alisha and cruised to the tinniehouse.
After a weekend of pretending to be straight-laced, except for smoking pot, Matt took me back down to the farm. We pretty much went straight to bed then, had sex (yay, Matt's cock was working - good old Viagra) and tried to sleep, which was pretty impossible when we had brains full of crystal.
Also, Matt has this awful line-up of alarm clocks, including one that talks with an American accent every hour and one that makes rooster noises when it's time for the milking. He's a heavy sleeper and he's quite deaf from working the machinery without ear-muffs.
So Friday was pretty blah as days go. We took Matt's hobby car - the Holden Monaro - out to his family's property in Tapu, so that Matt could score some drugs off Rio who just about lives in the cabin with Jed. Oil and more crystal meth (we are running out) - but get this: they were out of caps of oil and they'd already used all the P themselves.
We grabbed kebabs in Thames on the way, which was lucky because Adam and Kyle turned up and they produced a gram of massive shards so we smoked the shit out of that, then the boys started rambling on about their cars - diffs and carburetors and stuff that goes over my head. It's quite nice to have Christi around at times like that!
I just rarked up Axl, Jed's new pitbull pup and went out to see Matt's old lady and talk her ear off about horses - she's an Arab enthusiast like me.
After that we went back to the farm. Matt's family gave us a nice Valentine's Day gift - a Holden duvet and pillowcases for the ancient double bed. We had a bowl and started to watch TV then Yoyo started up and we realised he was hungry so it was back into Thames for dog food and shopping. The only trouble with meth is how much it fucks with your memory! Matt bought me flowers and I made love to him passionately all night - again just one Viagra seemed to counteract the P-cock. Valentine's Day is a special day for a relationship. I'm so fit from milking and riding, the night was cool, I was horny on P and Matt felt good under the fresh new blankets. Yoyo joined us, panting.
In the morning we watched cartoons, smoked through Matt's new pipe and played with Yoyo then we forced down breakfast (late of course) and cruised back up the coast. Matt's old man filled his stash tin and we planned to have a joint up on the hills going into the ranges up the back of the property. Axl and Jack kept me company while Matt and Jed talked cars, then we set off in good spirits - especially when Jed sold us a couple of grams of crystal as well - until we realised we'd left all our lighters in the Escort! We scrambled through the rough terrain pretty easily without smoking dak - the P we'd had that morning was keeping us going. We drank from clean streams coming straight out of the Coromandels and found several marijuana plants - several owned by Matt's old man, a couple owned by Matt and Jed.
Some bits on the trail had fallen away in landslides and it was gorse-covered and full of cutty grass, cave wetas and spiders. I love roughing it but I played up on my feminine side for Matt, so he could save me from the evil spiders, pull me up banks and carry me over streams. I'd worn my sandals and I slipped down a wet rock, down a bank and onto my arse where I'd already been bruised by Scooby's bucks. Matt fell down it too - we cracked up, a bit relieved we weren't stoned.
After we'd shared a pipe with Jed we cruised off, did the milking, rolled a fat joint and crashed with Yoyo in bed. Now here I am. Awake but sleepy. More meth? No, Matt's asleep. Goodnight.

NB - firstly any of these names cud b aliases
- Harley is an ex, tho at this point he and I were just close friends
- Scooby is the pony I brought on and sold in order to buy Maverick
- Matt is an ex, Harley's friend, who I lived with down the road from a tiny township, Ngatea, and got my first legal job as a farmhand; he later turned abusive and aggressive as we got more addicted to P
- Alisha is another ex, we dated a few yrs down the track; we were just close friends back then
- tinniehouses r illicit 'shops' where u buy small packages of pot wrapped in tinfoil (tinnies) and sometimes point bags of P; they're a word-of-mouth business, usually run by gangs
- Rio is Matt's old dealer
- Jed is Matt's younger brother, at the time a budding drug dealer with a P habit that made mine look tame
- Adam is Matt's mate
- Kyle is Matt's mate
- Christi was my best friend, then later my gf; were now estranged, as she cudnt handle who I became as my P use got more and more heavy
- Yoyo was Matt's tan/white pitbull
- Jack was Matt's parents' Jack Russell

hey all
been a minute since i' ve posted anything here. Just want to let people know that i'm doing good.

have had some problems with the other clients here, other than that been fine.

my conception of god is still off a little bit, working on that right now.

got to see my sponsor the other day, so that was nice. I talked to him about ressentments and why I wanted to beat the snot out of this guy,
he told me to pray for him for 2 weeks. been rough doing that because i really dont know god that well.

will update later,
drew

I wrote a poem after I'd been off all drugs (except ones scripted to me for genuine reasons, even if my NA sponsor took my key-tags off me when she found out I was on clonazepam for epilepsy - not something I'd hidden from her intentionally, I just didn't know she'd see it as wrong, as I was also on dexamphetamine for ADHD...and she was okay with that cos it didn't make me 'high' - weird one, cos neither did the clonazepam, but anyway, I still considered myself drug-free, I just fucked off away from bloody NA...time to stop discussing this, shit it brings me down and pisses me off even thinking about that woman and the rest of her fellow 'worshippers of the nameless Higher Power')

btw: if ur into NA, I'm sorry if that hurt ur feelings, I hate hurting ppl...its just the NA group IN AUCKLAND (ppl tend to all go to the same meetings, this is a small country) really hurt mine, anyway NA obviously aint for me:
-I was ostracised by evryone, apart from my sponsor, who was into horses and seemed nice at first...and of course, my best friend, who went for about 6 months after leaving rehab (when she relapsed, I did too, not long after, esp after wat my sponsor did to me...)
-I'm actually a Christian (an open-minded one as u may have gathered but the idea of ppl being told to worship/make a Higher Power out of 'the NA rooms' felt too uncomfortably cult-like), I believe if any Higher Power can help me fully kick meth when I feel it's time too that'll b God, as in the biblical one
-I don't look at addiction in black-and-white terms...I think u can b addicted to heroin and know never to touch it again once uve started the road to recovery from skag addiction (this is just an example btw) yet still drink wine sometimes, smoke the odd J with mates, and even hav a pill or 2 at parties (after all - yes, u can cross-addict, but if u take precautions not to abuse these substances...u shud b fine, cos none of them really compare with heroin)
-I don't think one needs to get off evrything they abuse at once...IMO thats a shock to the system and makes u more likely to relapse if anything; eg. I had 2 main drugs of abuse after my last relapse: heroin and methamphetamine...I decided to get myself on the methadone program first and start with H since my veins r in bad shape and smacks so costly in NZ u have to fund it wiv crime/prostitution (no thanks); now I'm a yr clean (apart from the odd slip) from opiates, I'm working on P...this I'm doing by first weaning down the amount I use (just 3 months ago, I was smoking/IVing up to 3gms a day...then my gf and I both did a 2wk detox, and went back to it but only allow ourselves a ridiculously small amount: 1/16th of a gm each per week, always smoked [thats less than a point])...wen the time is right I plan to only use P if I'm at a party and theyre passing the pipe; Ill certainly never buy it myself - or even seek it out. P will b harder than opiates cos theres no 'methamphetadone', its always bn my first DOC, I have ADHD so my dopamine supplies were fucked before I started using, and my life has revolved round P for 10yrs...whereas H was only a 5yr addiction; just one I constantly relapsed on instead

but if ur into NA and dont believe I'm doing the right thing, thats fine, we r all allowed our own opinions - those r my reasons why NA isnt for me...no point trying to argue with me...thats not wat this is about (this morning im just scattered cos i had 2 scoops of P last night, and now fuck-all keeps me up all night! yay for tolerance! )

AGAIN, 12-STEPPERS, IF ANYTHING I SAID IN HERE OFFENDED U, IT WASN'T INTENDED, AND I APOLOGISE (please let me know, mods, if I've crossed the line and need to tone down on rants like the above!)

to get back on track here's the poem I wrote after finishing a diary I'd kept over the year I did the abstinence from alcohol/drugs not scripted to me/abuse of meds scripted to me, as far as I'M concerned:

DEAR MAVERICK
Noble steed, now I'm freed
No longer I'm a slave
To smoking weed or shooting speed
You took me from my grave
My little boy, my pride and joy
You helped me see this through
And now we're one, your job is done
Yes, now I'm here for you!


that was dedicated to my darling horse, PL Maverick...and to all his fans

I'm heading into detox this evening for a few days, after a massive relapse on meth last night (smoked several grams of pure crystal, and once again, totally lost the plot). I've just had some 25x salvia with a friend, as a little goodbye treat before I go away hehe. Anyway, wish me luck!

I've taken a lot of the suggestions from the rooms and okay I somehow got over the obsession and constant cravings. Everything else is still going to hell in my life, the bad things are canceling out anything good that happens. at least it's how things are looking from my point of view which granted is a bit fucked up.
I have an interview with a temp agency and the why not prosper program but i have no fucking way to get to either. No money for a bus pass and they are so far apart walking is out since I was a ass and made them for the same day. I've been trying to tell myself to have faith and things will work out but it's hard sometimes, most times.
I have some much shit going through my fucking head that it feels like my brains are about to leak out of my ears. I'm driving myself nuts over things I have no control over but I don't want to give up on those things. I know I'm powerless but thats the last thing I want to be in life.
I had a lot of dark thoughts lately and getting away from them is damn near impossible.

damn this little habit of mine is getting out of control. not out of control compared to some peoples habits but for me and my life, it is. i still live with my mom and step dad. i'm using everyday and now its been at about 2-3 bags/day.

today i had 2 left. i told myself i would ration them out and slowly taper. i didn't want to get more dope this weekend. i ended up doing both before 3:00 today and went to work. i acquired 3 xan bars for my kick is sure to follow tomorrow.

before i left work i had already set up a meet to pick up another bun after work. so much for stopping right? i figured since i already got the xan i will still use them to kick. then just hold on to the dope again sometime next week once my mind clears up a little bit and i get back on track with my mom.

came home after picking up and tore open another bag. why the fuck can't i ever stick to what i tell myself i will do? why do i set up these bullshit rules if they are never followed? i guess its just my fucked up logic to trick myself into getting deeper into addiction. i also ate 1/4 of my bar and i'm not even kicking yet.

it hit me yesterday how fucked up the whole situation is. i did a bag and smoked 2 blunts of some danks(yesterday) and i started thinking about my use.

how the past few months(of using) have flown the fuck by and i can't recall much of it.
it hit me like a ton of bricks that i've been lying and stealing to everyone that loves me and no body knows what is really going on with me.
my paycheck that i work daily to receive is also nearly gone within days, spent on dope, weed, and shitty newports that are going to kill me probably before this dope habit that i never knew i was starting.

the funny part is that i now have more friends than i ever did and the semester i just finished in college was the best grades i have gotten yet and its my first one using.

i was able to keep my 1 bag a day habit successfully under control without anyone knowing but its becoming more and more noticeable. my mom might know already because she walked into my room and put something on my desk the other day when i had 3 bags sitting right on my computer. i pray to the god that i don't believe in that she doesn't know what a stamp bag looks like.

i'm starting to get paranoid about a lot of shit and am scared how long i'm going to let this lying and cheating go on for. we'll see how tomorrow goes and i'm hoping that i can get it through this weekend with out snorting any more diesel.

I picked up a little bud, and drank a couple beers when I went out. So far, doing pretty good. Everythings gravy.

sober from everything else: 8 days

test

Every time i make a run, you turn around and cry, i ask myself why, oh why....

The smell of the whip when you open the door. camel plush inside a smooth black cherry body...long line build, wide and rides so smooth . the smell of cologne, gucci and armani suits...

Hands on the wheel and business as usual. success and another delivery done, intoxicated by the sharp musk of cash, the crisp reek of fresh bills..it catches somewhere in the chest and makes it feel full. that hunger, the endless, healthy appetite to double and multiply the prize. infinite times.

hearing things that didnt used to be for you before, the world that lies at your fingertips. The sharp dressed businessmen in cars across the parking lot, at the restaurant. Each new step emmbracing you deeper. watch closely, listen careful. pay attention. not just anybody gets chosen.

He didnt know what she had been up to lately. He heard she had been makin moves, movin things. Crazy he thought, she always was, I wonder just how far she is?

And the answer wasnt the thing he might expect, She got two phones, and shes busy. She was a fuckin natural. she climbed that ladder and he couldnt deny he was impressed, the things she had access to. big deals, large amounts, protection, business fronts, laundering, contracts. and he found her not over her head like he imagined...but right up to her chin, diving as deep as she could without choking, she was swimmin in it. gliding thru the liquid gold, sucking it in, breathing it, tasting it, living it feeding on it, gasping it in huge breaths of air, it was lighting her up from the inside, her steps were solid and sure and nothing soft about her.

Counting money, eyes behind the never missing blue shades. she wants it all and she dreams big. the chance to have it is in reach. Work hard, your dreams come true. make your future for yourself. Anything, anything you want in this world can be yours for the right price. You aint gotta be like the rest of em. at night her eyes close to a background of champagne colored satin, she sleeps wrapped in luxury, rolling in silk, traveling high above shoeboxes stacked full of cash into a vision of briefcases full, trunks of cadillacs filled with stacks. limosines and diamonds...... Getting there is the hard part, and dreaming is the fun. When you first start to really move closer and see it start to become real is the best time of all.

She said Im sorry but this is me. I gotta do this. This is how it works, Im on my way to big things. Im gonna be somebody. It will be all right, but i need to take a ride.

meetings, tinted windows, affiliates. rules, codes, eat it up , drink it in, its your movie you make the end, the power is yours. discussions and deals, wiretaps and investigations, warrants, the power....you make your own destiny. Take your own destiny. I want it all, the money, the cars , the clothes, the respect, the power, the fuckin penthouse on the top floor and the dope hole trap house deep in the hood where italian leather soles meet bare peeling linoleum... the world as far as i see, in the palm of my hand. to sit back and see all that I made. I want it, i want it, i want it....

See you got to understand, I can't work a nine to five, So I'll, Be gone til november.....

I fuckin took off this morning, to get my prescriptions located in the next town. Took 3 hours walking. But I got my meds and I'm at the library now. Stole a roll of toilet paper from their restroom while I was at it. DOn't ask me how, but my shoes are still decently dry, they're just a regular pair of free tenners I got at the mission before they made me leave.


So I'm thinking now...saturday it's back to the streets..can't get into a shelter...I could go back to Cleveland and there I'm guaranteed shelter, food. More than I am here. I REALLY don't like the idea of sleeping in abandoned buildings and shit...I'm already a paranoid anxious person. But I'd be walking. yeah. Walking. 53 miles. Over a day. Unless I conned my mom into buying a bus ticket or taking me. Gah. Maybe I'm fucking insane but I have nothing left.

I'm not getting any breaks it seems like every month that comes up has some day that I wish I could curl up and die rather than face it.
I don't want to come off as one of those self pity fools that can't get up and live because of the things that have happened but I feel myself falling into that pattern. I'm trying to just push myself and get the shit done that I need to and focus on helping myself get further in my life. I know I'm going in the right direction now there's just so much pain along the way that most days I want to give up, on myself and life.
One thing I wish for this year is to feel like I belong somewhere and that I'm wanted (not in a sexual way, just that someone wants to be around me..to have me by them).

Am I ashamed to say it? Yes, and no. You lose your sense of pride, shame, and ego, all at once. Your definition of the world is turned upside down and backwards. If you're lucky you only lose everything except your clothing.

"Shelters" don't keep you 'sheltered', they keep you dry, warm if you're lucky, and fed.

I'm definitely not the same person I used to be. I have slept in my car in 14 degree weather, waking up with nearly frostbitten extremities, only because I'm stubborn like my gma and don't want to wake up to the manager of the 24hr laundromat asking why you're here, and telling you to get the fuck out. But a car is a luxury. Mine just died. A car is a portable suitcase, a place to sleep, a safe haven. Now you just have you and what's on your back.

I have been positive, but still downright hopeless at the same time. I swing between the two. The world becomes a cruel, sick place. You are the scum of the earth. No one wants to give you a job, cause you have no address. I refuse to endanger my life in order to have a warm place to sleep. Therefore I have turned down most offers to sleep at a random stranger's house, and even non random strangers, even friends. I was just kicked out of a shelter, cause they were more worried about the "you can't come back for 30 days" rule than making a person sleep in the cold. My friend's house who I could have slept at...well he's a fucking dumbass and has enemies that want to shoot up his house now, so that's out.

Everyone around you is seemingly crazy. You begin to wonder if you'll end up like that in a few months. You learn to control your emotions real fucking fast, learn to be numb, learn to take stress and stuff it deep, or throw it away. If you don't handle your emotions, they WILL get the best of you and you'll end up in a hospital or wandering around delusional and frostbitten. I'd rather have my freedom of my mind and body than that.

Clothing is more important than ever. If you're lucky you become numb to the cold. You MUST become more independent than ever in order to survive. If you don't you end up dead, raped, jumped, or fucked in other numerous ways. I have gone from crying wolf too often, to being hesitant to even ask for help. It's every man for themselves out here. You become paranoid at everyone's motives.

Food? Well you eat whatever you can, even if it's a stale piece of bread with no butter. Don't take it for granted anymore. Food feeds both your body and soull. You learn how to build a fire reaaaalll fuckin fast. You learn how to lie, when asked by a store owner why you're loitering for so long. You learn to lie when asked where you live. You never admit to having money, cause if you have any, you're bound to get mugged or taken advantage of. You sleep when you can. You're running blind and scared. Can you stay positive? Yes, I try to, cause its the only thing I have left. Will it end? Yeah. Eventually. But you're never the same again. You realize how lucky you are. Bitter? Yeah, you get bitter. It's hard not to be. You get hard.

When given the chance to go back to "normal" society, it will be a culture shock. We've seen shit we never bargained for, done things we knew better of, risked everything when we had nothing, lived in places that normal people turn their nose up at, found the true meaning of a being lucky, taken nothing for granted....

I Survived A 3 Gram Mephedrone Binge..and oddly enough I'm still alive!

Today is a good day.

Still Sunday, Janurary 3rd, 2010 and it is 11:55PM here in Brooklyn, NYC, USA.

Back in Brooklyn on 12/10...Deciding what to do with my clusterfuck of a marriage...and now that wonderful subject:

When I left to come here for my HCV (Hepatitis-C) treatment Rizza insisted on being allowed to return to school. She already has a degree in Computer Science, but had of late decided she wanted to study Nursing.

We have a house in Cebu City (Barangay Tisa), and 1 brother-in-law (Nigel) living in it as he finishes his Nursing degree. We discussed ith with Mom, Dad and our eldest auntie (Mom's eldest sister) and wedecided that it would be good for Rizza to do so but that she ought to study there on Mindanao and commute to school in Davao, the largest city on the island (about 240 km south of us). Rizza though was adamanat that she wanted to go to Cebu.

Most Bisaya (Rizza's tribe/ethnicity) are Cebuano, meaning their roots are on Cebu island. Since the late 19th Centiry but especially post-WWII the powers that be have tried to get poor Bisaya to come south and populate the island. Cebuano is the main language on Mindanao for this reason.

In ourcase, Dad was raised on Cebu and only came south when he married Mom who had gone to Cebu for university (after Muslim guerillas attacked her school in Davao). So even more than most Mindanaon Bisaya we have connections to Cebu.

Cebu City itself is much different than anything on Mindanao. For one thing, it has the 2nd largest Red Light District in the country, and for another it is the nation's most crime ridden city. It also has more than its share of sleazy foreigners, etc and so forth.

So we all agreed Rizza could only go, grudgingly, IF Yaya (her childhood nanny accompanied her. The word "Yaya" simply means "Nanny" or "Personal Maid." This Yaya, 1 of 3 we have, is "Yaya No Teeth" as I affectionately call her.

It is difficult to explain but inter-personal relationships in Mindanao are very complicated. In this Yaya's case, her late husband wasn an NPA guerilla commander whom our family killed. We then assumed responsibility for her young children, since they were a local family.

Unlike Moros (Philippine Muslims), Bisaya will not attack anyone but the subject unless involved in a wider family feud.

Yaya No Teeth has been with us now almost 24 years and is as good as they come.

Rizza agreed, but we said we would stilll discuss the rest of the arrangements within the next 2 weeks and I left for America.

I call home about a week later and Mom tells me Rizza and Yaya had left for Cebu on the ferry! Rizza had told her parents that I had said it was OK! I wasn't angry because we did after all say it was going to happen, only that we were going to flesh out the situation. Still, I found it a tad bit out of character.

So Rizza began her Nursing School, and seemed very happy. I began my treatment, and life settled into a reoutine of sorts. Each day,we would IM (Chat) for 3 hours or so, and call as needed.

Then Rizza started IMing less and less. She would come every day, but would be late or leave sooner. Now I have known my wife since she was literally born, and I do know her mannerisms throughly. This is a girl who has here-to-fore insisted we IM for 10 to 14 hours a day and throw tantrums when we could not.

I chalked it up to her new school, etc. Indeed, rationalising it that way I was even pleased that she had finally found her niche. Oh she found her "niche" alright, but I will get to that...

So the IMs began tapering off. Then she began missing days. We have a PC in all our houses so there is no excuse but she explained that it had caught a virus, something that does actually happen a lot when your have young brothers-in-law and Class D porn sites hahahaha.

Then she began IMing only 3 or 4 days a week for 2 or 3 weeks and I knew something was happening. I tried to pin her down, get her to talk about it but she always denied anything had changed.

I was IMing with Mom just about everyday and when I brought up my concerns the best advice she could offer was to simply let Rizza see how it feels by also staying offline. This sounds perfectly logical to most Pinoy (Filipinos) but in my mind it borders on the retarded. Yeah, Rizza is suddenly ignoring me so I should ignore her as well and this will cause her to pay attention??? Hahahah, whatever...

Finally almost 4 months go by, and when we do IM it is dead, nothing of interest. Finally she missed 4 days in a row. I called her, it was 2 AM there, and I hear voices. In our home Yaya and Nigel will always be asleep then, and this was a multitude of voices.

I naturally asked her what is happening. She non-chalantly tells me that the noise is from her "job." By Philippine standards we are wealthy, she has never worked a day in her life. I was shocked. I asked her when she had begun working and she told me it had been a few weeks.

I asked her where the job was but she was evasive. I asked her what her job was and she told me it was a "SariSari" (conveience store) with internet cafe, but only 2 PCs.

Now this is all incredibly bizarre. I asked her WHY she felt she wanted to work. She says she wants to earn her own money. She has always had decent bank accounts, an allowance that is 5 times whatthe average worker makes (in Philippines) but she wanted to experience being fully independant.

Sounds reasonable enough, right? Thing is, in the Philippines the culture is nothing at all like the West. If you talk to 10 girls, 18 years old, 9 will always wish to be married and have children. Most do not know how to handle finances, etc. I have no problem either way, as long as my woman is happy.

My issue though was in making these radical changes without discussing any aspect of it with me. In addition, the incredibly radical shift in personality disturbed me.

I told her that working at 2 AM is not acceptable and that I wanted her to either leave her "job" or switch to daylight hours.

I then immediately called Mom, woke her up, and was nervously telling her about my discovery. I got an even greater shock when she told me she already knew. I angrily asked her why she hadn't told me. She calmly replied that 3 weeks prior Rizza had gotten into a huge argument with Yaya and stormed out of the house! She had not returned since!!!

I was floored, absoloutely floored. In Bisaya Culture you respect elders, even those that work for you. You show the utmost respect. Further more, Yaya had raised Rizza since birth as her personal nanny.

Then, the fact that this had happened almost a month before and I was only now being told! Mom explained that their not telling me mainly due towards their own great embrassment and anxiety but also because of my on-going treatment (stress adversely effects the outcome).

I called Rizza back immediately and I told her I now knew everything. I demanded that she give me the address of both her job and where she was living. All she would say was that she was in Cebu and living with friends. She kept changing the subject but swore that in the morning she would return home and make amends with Yaya. I then bid her goodnight and uneasily waited for the afternoon, to call her.

Welll that was 7 months ago hahahahaha, still don't know where she is living or working.

Since I discovered that the family had kept her leaving from me I suspected that a lot more was going on and being kept from me. Finally Dad told me that a cousin had accidently seen Rizza in Cebu and that she looked pregnant. WOW.

The family wanted to kill her, that is how such things are handled. Me? I just wanted her happy. After all, longtime readers will recall my writing about my realisation(s) that although I was very fond of her, I did NOT love her. Indeed I wondered if I was evencapable of such heartfelt emotions.

At the present she and I communicate via offline IMs a couple of times a week.

Sad that its ending, but one door closes so that another may open. Indeed, it has not taken long for one TO open though I am not sure how much of THAT I wish to touch upon given the fact that Rizza and other family members may still be reading my online posting(s) (she mentions shit now and again).


On 12/16 I left NYC for Israel, a direct hop from JFK to Ben Gurion. I visited with a new grandson (2nd grandkid),visited with all 3 of my kids there. My daughter is still serving and may stay on as a pro, she is now training as an Instructor at Mikan Adam (IDF Sniper School) but is getting married to a Samal (my rank was Rav Samal which is a Sr Captain but basically equal to a US Major, Samal is Captain). I met the boy and his parents. I set the dowry.

Westerners either do not know what a dowry is or at best almost always misunderstand the concept. They equivocate it with a "Brideprice," as if we sel females.

The idea is that females leave their families when married, and join the family of their husbands. In doing this the girl's family loses another pair of bhands, someone whose product (work) will no longer benefit her own family but now her husband's family. The dowry offsets this loss.

Males stay with their own families so no reciprocating practice is required. Interestingly though, many Ashkenazi Jews (Jews whose recent roots are in Europe) provide their sons-in-law with a source of income which is counter-intuitive, but advantageous none-the-less.

For example, an Ashkenazi father will offer a prospective son-in-law a job, or full income for 2 or 3 years so that he may pursue higher education, etc.

I settled my daughter's dowry, held a "Kiddushin," a Betrothal Party, and my eldest son and I headed to Hong Kong to transfer for a flight intp Brunei.

* Note to self: Do not wear flip flops in the winter anymore *


I went out for a smoke in my summer flip flops (complete flat bottom with no grip) damn things are like strapping sheets of ice to the bottom of my feet.


I just did a backflip down about 14 cement steps out front my place hit my hip 4x or so I lost count on the way down them so hard I puked instantly and got cold sweats. (I managed to save my smoke by breaking the fall with my body...).

Just thought id share this useless bit of information with someone.

Next time I think I'll take the 2 minutes to tie my shoes.

(I live in the north there is about 6 feet of snow here)

I am loving life right now I love temazepam I think it should be mandatory for everyone to dose at least once a week. I feel all the xmass / new years holiday stress melllllllllllting away in an orgasmic fashion. (I have a legal prescription for these badboys) check out my post for more info http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=481542