The day after the anniversary

Thanks for the responses, it was rather reassuring seeing that someone took the time to read my previous blog and make a comment, so thank you.

Right it’s the 13th Jan the day after the anniversary of my mum dying. I went to see my dad and sisters last night who had a good day together doing a bit of shopping and lunch and appeared quite happy which was nice to see.
I didn’t buy any flowers or go to my mums grave as I’d planned to, but as was said previously I’ll go when I’m ready, one day soon.
Generally I’m feeling good and am content that yesterday and this last week wasn’t as stressful as I may have been thinking it would be, yeah I’m feeling good…

 

shit, thats hard stuff

I was the same about visitting my long-time first bfs grave after he died of a heroin OD - tbh I was angry for a long long time
I thought he was a selfish bastard...but I knew wat addiction was like, and I knew he hadnt used to kill himself on purpose
he didnt mean for me to b there at the time

it was real cathartic the day I finally did visit that grave - for the first time since his death I cried
I left him not only flowers but a small horse I'd etched out of wood, as he was a great horse-rider

I dont remember the date he died, and I dont want to
maybe I dont want to know the anniversary of his death I guess

anyway I understand why u dont feel ready to visit ur mums grave
it doesnt make u a bad person - maybe u just dont want it to b made so 'real' for u
a grave is 'final' - u know ur loved one is buried in there, u know theyre dead

I guess for me, I came to realise that we dont really know wat happens wen we die - none of us truly know
maybe theres a heaven, maybe theres not
if there is, ur mums possibly up there looking down on u, and shes real proud of who u r, who uve become since she left

we sang that Ozzy Osbourne song at Taylor, my bfs, funeral, 'Back on Earth', and it has this line 'the spirit, it never lets go'
I guess I always hope thats true
we'll never know but I like to dream that Taylor's up there among the stars and his spirits never let go of me, hell always b there - hes happy I'm wiv a new partner who makes me happy (remember I've had 5yrs to get over this ok - I'm 25, he died wen I was 20) and hes happy cos hes no longer living in torment on earth as a heroin addict

maybe ur mums happy cos her spirits never letting go of u, and shes free of the pain that cancer put her thru

kia kaha, Simon (thats Maori - native NZ tongue; I'm 1/4 Maori - for 'be strong')
The spirit, it never lets go