...or another promise broken?
how is it that I've gone from - before xmas - using a QUARTER-GRAM of methamphetamine a month (fairly amazing for someone whod not long ago bn on 3G/day)...and now I'm using, again, evryday?
I ended up having a bout of wat the hospital psychiatric team dubbed 'psychotic depression' (basically I felt v depressed and voices were telling me to just fucking 'do it' so I tried to, but Mum walked in on the blood, which really wasnt any big deal - she was so fast I didnt even need stitches; I guess the blood just looked dramatic so she called an ambulance)
I hadnt had the best new yrs the day before
Keira and I had broken up and I was self-medicating wiv large amounts of P - Keira spent NYE down in her part of NZ, as she was depressed, but that selfish part of me said 'wat about me? ur ditching me on NYE???'
I cant remember if we fought or not - I dont think we did cos I was pretty worried bout her, but I also had a beautiful beautiful gram bag of P that I'd scored off a random on K Rd (Aucklands red light district) for $800...steep for a G, but wen I saw the big shards I understood the reasoning
I still didnt wanna celebrate alone - and that G was to do me for...well heaven knows how long!? I already had halved a Q wiv Keira and had a decent amount of that stuff left (that was gd stuff too)
I txtd 2 BL friends - neither which has replied to me since (sumtimes, I wonder where I stand in the lives of some of my [mates?]), plus my friend May
I tantalised them all, saying P and drinks were on me - looking back I must hav reeked of desperation
I hate being alone
I esp hate being alone on nights like NYE
Somehow I got thru a G that night...how? dunno
I guess I just filled the pipe, smoked, tapped BS into this computer, wash, rinse, repeat
I stopped binging by morning, but instead of sleeping, I texted Keira...wound her up really
we broke it off
dont remember much after that except for the voices in my head then trying to kill myself
my memory leaves me there again, and I'm lying in a hospital bed - Mums being told the wounds not deep but I'm incredibly dehydrated and tachycardic and I'm asked to give a UA
I told the nurse wearily exactly wat I was on (ffs has it bn that long? has Auckland hospital forgotten me???) and she nodded and said I still had to give a mandatory UA
I was real surprised wen I got told I was staying overnight - I mean fuck, all I'd done was cut myself right? I didnt even tell them I was suicidal
I don't even remember why I was suicidal - I hated that I'd fucked up the relationship wiv Keira, but I wasn't going to kill myself cos Keira didnt want me anymore...yea she was the best gal I'd ever bn wiv, but surely there was another One for me...right???
wen I asked why they were keping me in overnight I got told I had to b psychiatrically-assessed
*panic mode*
I really downplayed it to the psych team, but I'm not a liar either
wen asked why I wanted to kill myself I said 'I dunno'
then one guy said 'does someone else want u to kill urself?'
at that point I'd bn all night still hearing those stupid voices talking bout how I needed to kill myself, how sumthing bad wud happen to someone I loved if I didnt, and besides I wasnt actually gonna go any further in life...life held no place for me
wen I put my fingers in my ears I still heard them, clear as day
and I believed, kooky as it sounds, that it was completely real
so I told the psych team casually that some ppl I heard talking that had bn following me since the yr 2010 began wanted me dead
wen asked their motives, I told them pretty much evrything
to my relief they thanked me and walked off
Mum was called not much later and the hospital said I was to b 'discharged to go to court' - thats wen I saw 2 police coming at me wiv handcuffs
I nearly passed out
turned out I wasnt 'in trouble' as such, but wen asked by the psych team earlier if I'd stay in the psych ward for awhile I said 'not over my dead body - I'm not crazy, just got the blues from breaking up wiv my gf'
they didnt tell me that if I said no I'd b facing a judge who had to listen to my whole story, which still sounded completely sane to me, handcuffed by the police wiv my friends, the CATs team surrounding me and my mum sobbing away muttering bout how 'that P really had sent me loopy finally' 8(
I was deemed unfit for society and sent for a holiday in the psych ward for 2 weeks
I barely remember much - I remember being given cupfuls of pills along wiv my methadone and wen I asked wat they were I was just told I had no choice but to swallow them
and they watched me swallow them
I vaguely remember moaning and crying and screaming in the background
and I remember constantly drooling, being unable to talk cos my mouth cudnt seem to form words, like I'd try to say 'hello' and it'd come out as 'ewwo'
I remember clearly the last few days cos thats wen they brought the doses down of wat I later found out were slow-release halperidol in pill form (the 'drooling', unable-to-talk culprit), benzos (xanax, more valium than I was already on and at night, temazepam) and amytriptyline
this was wen I realised I'd gone nuts, wen I remembered wat I'd bn convinced was happening
I briefly talked to a nice psychologist over the next few days before being released, still on amytriptyline, as, while I was no longer psychotic, I was...not exactly depressed, but not happy, even once I got back on my ADHD meds and my brain was no longer dopamine-deprived
amytriptyline, as anyone whos bn on it will know, makes u v sleepy
esp if mixed wiv drugs like diazepam and methadone
esp in ppl wiv hep C, which makes me permanently fatigued
I had no get-up-and-go - so I turned back to P
I thought 'just evry 3-4 days like wen I was wiv Keira', then I thought 'oh fuck it, Keiras not here - why not just take it as long as u hav to b on amytrip?'
so I did
I'm back wiv Keira (thank u God)
I'm off amytrip
I'm thru the acute bout I was having wiv my hep C - I was admiring how 'white' my eyes r again, round the irises, just yesterday in the mirror...a few weeks ago they were all full of yellow; wen I smoked pot my eyes actually looked 'orange' from the mix of yellow and red
I hav no excuse to use P
yet I've bn using daily since I got out of hospital
today I had a meltdown - I rang Keira and cried on the phone
wat was the meltdown about?
well I'd used the last 5 scoops left (bout half a point altogether) from various baggies I'd kept to save for a rainy day
I HAD NO P
and I feel uncomfortable with knowing I hav no P
its midnight, I'm still awake and I doubt I'll sleep for awhile but I'm not happy
yes, obviously the P is affecting me
so why rnt I happy?
I used to b euphoric for so long wen I smoked P
isnt like that anymore
this time I've promised myself that tomorrow, wen I buy another half-gram, this half is gonna last me at least a month - cant smoke daily then...esp as I'm giving Keira 1/2 - 3/4 point for herself if she wants it
to say 'thanks' for helping me score - I hate going out alone onto K'rd...its creepy; I always take a knife, but its still not 100% safe
Keira and I r both streetsmart girls - part of being streetsmart is knowing where to draw the line...and scoring alone in the red light district crosses the line from streetsmart to 'desperate junkie who doesnt care if she gets raped or murdered'
also, cos Keiras bn going thru a P-tox herself and is craving - chances r she will want sum, and only fair to give her some as while I can go wiv holding/not using while shes there, I dont think she can b round it without using it
I luv her basically and I believe if she wants P, its her choice, and since shes helping me score safely, I'll do the same for her, anytime (and I'd never leave her without if I had some and she knew it and it made her uncomfortable)
the main thing I wonder is...can I keep this promise to myself?
or am I gonna b typing another sob-story entry in less than a months time wailing bout how I'm out of P again?
the weird thing is...I'm on P rnt I? I can feel my heart pounding, my skin is itchy, I'm warm and sweaty, I feel like I cud take a crap easily even after my nightly 'done dose (TMI?) and my stomachs got that whirlagig feeling in it...all the usual feelings I get from decent methamphetamine
then why do I want more? why am I dying to load just one more pipe wiv a huge scoop of crystal, hear the crystals crackle as I melt them down, inhaling that acrid but pleasant chemical taste then watch the liquid puddle left behind turn from a clear colour to a white pool, then start all over again until that pool disappears leaving a thick mist all over the pipe...then start smoking all that mist as well? and wud it stop wiv that one scoop? or wud I keep going? shud I start using needles again since the pipe doesnt seem to b as satisfactory?
am I really a recovering methamphetamine addict? or just a methamphetamine addict?
I guess the last questions the one I worry bout the most...
how is it that I've gone from - before xmas - using a QUARTER-GRAM of methamphetamine a month (fairly amazing for someone whod not long ago bn on 3G/day)...and now I'm using, again, evryday?
I ended up having a bout of wat the hospital psychiatric team dubbed 'psychotic depression' (basically I felt v depressed and voices were telling me to just fucking 'do it' so I tried to, but Mum walked in on the blood, which really wasnt any big deal - she was so fast I didnt even need stitches; I guess the blood just looked dramatic so she called an ambulance)
I hadnt had the best new yrs the day before
Keira and I had broken up and I was self-medicating wiv large amounts of P - Keira spent NYE down in her part of NZ, as she was depressed, but that selfish part of me said 'wat about me? ur ditching me on NYE???'
I cant remember if we fought or not - I dont think we did cos I was pretty worried bout her, but I also had a beautiful beautiful gram bag of P that I'd scored off a random on K Rd (Aucklands red light district) for $800...steep for a G, but wen I saw the big shards I understood the reasoning
I still didnt wanna celebrate alone - and that G was to do me for...well heaven knows how long!? I already had halved a Q wiv Keira and had a decent amount of that stuff left (that was gd stuff too)
I txtd 2 BL friends - neither which has replied to me since (sumtimes, I wonder where I stand in the lives of some of my [mates?]), plus my friend May
I tantalised them all, saying P and drinks were on me - looking back I must hav reeked of desperation
I hate being alone
I esp hate being alone on nights like NYE
Somehow I got thru a G that night...how? dunno
I guess I just filled the pipe, smoked, tapped BS into this computer, wash, rinse, repeat
I stopped binging by morning, but instead of sleeping, I texted Keira...wound her up really
we broke it off
dont remember much after that except for the voices in my head then trying to kill myself
my memory leaves me there again, and I'm lying in a hospital bed - Mums being told the wounds not deep but I'm incredibly dehydrated and tachycardic and I'm asked to give a UA
I told the nurse wearily exactly wat I was on (ffs has it bn that long? has Auckland hospital forgotten me???) and she nodded and said I still had to give a mandatory UA
I was real surprised wen I got told I was staying overnight - I mean fuck, all I'd done was cut myself right? I didnt even tell them I was suicidal
I don't even remember why I was suicidal - I hated that I'd fucked up the relationship wiv Keira, but I wasn't going to kill myself cos Keira didnt want me anymore...yea she was the best gal I'd ever bn wiv, but surely there was another One for me...right???
wen I asked why they were keping me in overnight I got told I had to b psychiatrically-assessed
*panic mode*
I really downplayed it to the psych team, but I'm not a liar either
wen asked why I wanted to kill myself I said 'I dunno'
then one guy said 'does someone else want u to kill urself?'
at that point I'd bn all night still hearing those stupid voices talking bout how I needed to kill myself, how sumthing bad wud happen to someone I loved if I didnt, and besides I wasnt actually gonna go any further in life...life held no place for me
wen I put my fingers in my ears I still heard them, clear as day
and I believed, kooky as it sounds, that it was completely real
so I told the psych team casually that some ppl I heard talking that had bn following me since the yr 2010 began wanted me dead
wen asked their motives, I told them pretty much evrything
to my relief they thanked me and walked off
Mum was called not much later and the hospital said I was to b 'discharged to go to court' - thats wen I saw 2 police coming at me wiv handcuffs
I nearly passed out
turned out I wasnt 'in trouble' as such, but wen asked by the psych team earlier if I'd stay in the psych ward for awhile I said 'not over my dead body - I'm not crazy, just got the blues from breaking up wiv my gf'
they didnt tell me that if I said no I'd b facing a judge who had to listen to my whole story, which still sounded completely sane to me, handcuffed by the police wiv my friends, the CATs team surrounding me and my mum sobbing away muttering bout how 'that P really had sent me loopy finally' 8(
I was deemed unfit for society and sent for a holiday in the psych ward for 2 weeks
I barely remember much - I remember being given cupfuls of pills along wiv my methadone and wen I asked wat they were I was just told I had no choice but to swallow them
and they watched me swallow them
I vaguely remember moaning and crying and screaming in the background
and I remember constantly drooling, being unable to talk cos my mouth cudnt seem to form words, like I'd try to say 'hello' and it'd come out as 'ewwo'
I remember clearly the last few days cos thats wen they brought the doses down of wat I later found out were slow-release halperidol in pill form (the 'drooling', unable-to-talk culprit), benzos (xanax, more valium than I was already on and at night, temazepam) and amytriptyline
this was wen I realised I'd gone nuts, wen I remembered wat I'd bn convinced was happening
I briefly talked to a nice psychologist over the next few days before being released, still on amytriptyline, as, while I was no longer psychotic, I was...not exactly depressed, but not happy, even once I got back on my ADHD meds and my brain was no longer dopamine-deprived
amytriptyline, as anyone whos bn on it will know, makes u v sleepy
esp if mixed wiv drugs like diazepam and methadone
esp in ppl wiv hep C, which makes me permanently fatigued
I had no get-up-and-go - so I turned back to P
I thought 'just evry 3-4 days like wen I was wiv Keira', then I thought 'oh fuck it, Keiras not here - why not just take it as long as u hav to b on amytrip?'
so I did
I'm back wiv Keira (thank u God)
I'm off amytrip
I'm thru the acute bout I was having wiv my hep C - I was admiring how 'white' my eyes r again, round the irises, just yesterday in the mirror...a few weeks ago they were all full of yellow; wen I smoked pot my eyes actually looked 'orange' from the mix of yellow and red
I hav no excuse to use P
yet I've bn using daily since I got out of hospital
today I had a meltdown - I rang Keira and cried on the phone
wat was the meltdown about?
well I'd used the last 5 scoops left (bout half a point altogether) from various baggies I'd kept to save for a rainy day
I HAD NO P
and I feel uncomfortable with knowing I hav no P
its midnight, I'm still awake and I doubt I'll sleep for awhile but I'm not happy
yes, obviously the P is affecting me
so why rnt I happy?
I used to b euphoric for so long wen I smoked P
isnt like that anymore
this time I've promised myself that tomorrow, wen I buy another half-gram, this half is gonna last me at least a month - cant smoke daily then...esp as I'm giving Keira 1/2 - 3/4 point for herself if she wants it
to say 'thanks' for helping me score - I hate going out alone onto K'rd...its creepy; I always take a knife, but its still not 100% safe
Keira and I r both streetsmart girls - part of being streetsmart is knowing where to draw the line...and scoring alone in the red light district crosses the line from streetsmart to 'desperate junkie who doesnt care if she gets raped or murdered'
also, cos Keiras bn going thru a P-tox herself and is craving - chances r she will want sum, and only fair to give her some as while I can go wiv holding/not using while shes there, I dont think she can b round it without using it
I luv her basically and I believe if she wants P, its her choice, and since shes helping me score safely, I'll do the same for her, anytime (and I'd never leave her without if I had some and she knew it and it made her uncomfortable)
the main thing I wonder is...can I keep this promise to myself?
or am I gonna b typing another sob-story entry in less than a months time wailing bout how I'm out of P again?
the weird thing is...I'm on P rnt I? I can feel my heart pounding, my skin is itchy, I'm warm and sweaty, I feel like I cud take a crap easily even after my nightly 'done dose (TMI?) and my stomachs got that whirlagig feeling in it...all the usual feelings I get from decent methamphetamine
then why do I want more? why am I dying to load just one more pipe wiv a huge scoop of crystal, hear the crystals crackle as I melt them down, inhaling that acrid but pleasant chemical taste then watch the liquid puddle left behind turn from a clear colour to a white pool, then start all over again until that pool disappears leaving a thick mist all over the pipe...then start smoking all that mist as well? and wud it stop wiv that one scoop? or wud I keep going? shud I start using needles again since the pipe doesnt seem to b as satisfactory?
am I really a recovering methamphetamine addict? or just a methamphetamine addict?
I guess the last questions the one I worry bout the most...
