Yup and not the first time either. I ran out of clonazepam like 2 days ago....maybe more....my mind is too scattered. My vision has been effected slightly, as I have always had 40/20 ("perfect" vision) and now I am not sure if half of what I am typing is spelled the right way. Its like I have saran wrap over my eyes / the screen or something.....sweating.....chest pain. Oh and I have eaten very little, not that I am not hungry cause I am, just that I'm short on food and can't binge like I usually do, so now my stomach is protesting to the luxury of over eating.
Add the slight stress that my daughter's father probably got served this past week for custody papers of our daughter. I'm going to lose, that's most likely but I believe she would do better with us most of the time, instead of with her dad.....ooops I mean seeing her dad leave as she's dropped off at granny's house....or her ex -stepmother's house......or whoever else her father feels like he can get a free babysitter out of while he goes get ranky pussy. Yeah, I know how sour that sounds, I hate the mofo and I don't use the word HATE often, hell, most of the people I meet in life I stay friends with indefinately. He though deserves to be hung up by the balls, casterated and have SUPERVISED visits until its proven he actually spends time with his own first born daughter.....oh yeah this waste of air procreated AGAIN with his gf / ex-gf whatever she calls herself today. Poor kid. I hope the gf smartens up and gets herself sole custody of the baby.
I said I wasn't going to come back for awhile, but I was too tempted today.
Keep idle hands busy as the saying goes.....
Besides all this everything is GREAT. Besides the sweats and vision thing, I feel great. I am not depressed today. I still miss people but I've come to the conclusion they will come around when ready, if ever. You can't make someone like or love you they have to on their own.
My fave. (well lately) singer Elliott Yamin. I have been listening too much of his music lately. When I start thinking it gets dangerous LOL
I almost snapped into a crisis 2 days ago - so yeah 3 days without Clonazepam. I ripped Terry a new one and was rolling in my mind to just leave - just up and go with the kid. Leave his sorry ass and make him beg for me to stay. I left before and can do again. He seems to think "working on getting along" = relationship. I told him from day 1 it was to save living costs, plus for the kiddo's sake to have his father around yadda yadda.
If I don't find something to do AWAY from the 2 of them soon, I WILL snap and it won't be pretty and probably will totally fuck my chances for getting my daughter. I have to be careful, keep myself in check.
Which is why I am writing in here instead of poping a 2ml Clonazepam of Terry's. I get random piss tests by my doctor, if I say I ran out but it's in my system ...... clon's are benzos and if i recall right they stay in the system for what.... 3 - 5 days?.....maybe 7 days? If I told him I ran out on the 14th.......ok it would still be in my system possibly by the 20th when I can go see him. I have to be walk in, but fuck, I am risking my life as it is. Im a recovering epileptic - 18yrs no meds or seizures - had nocturnal epilepsy from 4 - 10yrs old. I don't recall the cercumstances of my case, so I don't recall how i came around to being med free.
Cold turkey Clon's is not very safe for me, every night is another possible attack for me. Every day is a possible psychosis, possible rage. I have been good so far so lets pray I am fine until I see my doc.
Weird vanilla creamy taste in the back of my throat, wtf?
I guess coffee doesn't help my matters huh? I only have had one cup today and I try to limit myself to 2 a day even with all my meds. Coffee before my meds always gave me the jitters.
Bah, I just hate the sweats everything else is bearable. I feel like I need a shower every half hour cause I am sweating so bad. Though only from the neck down. My hair is dry as a bone. Only my hands and feet and underarms and under bottox (when sitting).
I am hoping my doc filled out the referal and is not waiting to see me or that will fucking suck. Already at least a 4 week wating list, it's been a week since I called my doc for the referral for the CBT. I think CBT will be better for me then meds, because they never did anything for me except knock me out at night and slightly mellow me out. I rather not swallow a pill if I don't have to.
My anxiety seems okay, I still am taking the cipralex so I think that's keeping me in check on the anxiety but rapid cold turkey from clon's braught on an attack the other day so who knows.
I need to stop writing here, but my hands don;t seem to want to stop.....and for some reason I find that funny...... lol..... not good man.
A bump in my journey...but not really because a bump would be a ATOD relapse but I have not since new years eve. So it's more like..... SAVE BUS FARE FOR THE FUCKING DR NEXT TIME.....situation. lol. Oh well, I'll be fine.
I need to stop writing......Need to find someone on MSN to bug to satisfy my writing urge. I guess my writing urge is now taking place of my touch urge I usually have....a touch OCD i call it LOL I always love touching people...faces, bodies, hands. weird huh? eh well....
Have been good on my touch OCD (haha) for......what..... 2 almost 3 months now. Longest ive gone without touching SOMEONE in YEARS. Then again I take care of my son on a daily basis, but that's different. My touch OCD i think is pleasure based....so ..... yeah...... Ive been celebate for what.... 2 / 3 months..... Blah!
Ok, MSN....better get there before I start talking about my bra size next and shit and more TMI lulz.
I
U my friends.
p.s. how do you catagorize posts? ive always wondered....never did find out........
jaw clenching and cold sweats instead of hot sweats..... perfect.
Add the slight stress that my daughter's father probably got served this past week for custody papers of our daughter. I'm going to lose, that's most likely but I believe she would do better with us most of the time, instead of with her dad.....ooops I mean seeing her dad leave as she's dropped off at granny's house....or her ex -stepmother's house......or whoever else her father feels like he can get a free babysitter out of while he goes get ranky pussy. Yeah, I know how sour that sounds, I hate the mofo and I don't use the word HATE often, hell, most of the people I meet in life I stay friends with indefinately. He though deserves to be hung up by the balls, casterated and have SUPERVISED visits until its proven he actually spends time with his own first born daughter.....oh yeah this waste of air procreated AGAIN with his gf / ex-gf whatever she calls herself today. Poor kid. I hope the gf smartens up and gets herself sole custody of the baby.
I said I wasn't going to come back for awhile, but I was too tempted today.
Keep idle hands busy as the saying goes.....
Besides all this everything is GREAT. Besides the sweats and vision thing, I feel great. I am not depressed today. I still miss people but I've come to the conclusion they will come around when ready, if ever. You can't make someone like or love you they have to on their own.
My fave. (well lately) singer Elliott Yamin. I have been listening too much of his music lately. When I start thinking it gets dangerous LOL
I almost snapped into a crisis 2 days ago - so yeah 3 days without Clonazepam. I ripped Terry a new one and was rolling in my mind to just leave - just up and go with the kid. Leave his sorry ass and make him beg for me to stay. I left before and can do again. He seems to think "working on getting along" = relationship. I told him from day 1 it was to save living costs, plus for the kiddo's sake to have his father around yadda yadda.
If I don't find something to do AWAY from the 2 of them soon, I WILL snap and it won't be pretty and probably will totally fuck my chances for getting my daughter. I have to be careful, keep myself in check.
Which is why I am writing in here instead of poping a 2ml Clonazepam of Terry's. I get random piss tests by my doctor, if I say I ran out but it's in my system ...... clon's are benzos and if i recall right they stay in the system for what.... 3 - 5 days?.....maybe 7 days? If I told him I ran out on the 14th.......ok it would still be in my system possibly by the 20th when I can go see him. I have to be walk in, but fuck, I am risking my life as it is. Im a recovering epileptic - 18yrs no meds or seizures - had nocturnal epilepsy from 4 - 10yrs old. I don't recall the cercumstances of my case, so I don't recall how i came around to being med free.
Cold turkey Clon's is not very safe for me, every night is another possible attack for me. Every day is a possible psychosis, possible rage. I have been good so far so lets pray I am fine until I see my doc.
Weird vanilla creamy taste in the back of my throat, wtf?
I guess coffee doesn't help my matters huh? I only have had one cup today and I try to limit myself to 2 a day even with all my meds. Coffee before my meds always gave me the jitters.
Bah, I just hate the sweats everything else is bearable. I feel like I need a shower every half hour cause I am sweating so bad. Though only from the neck down. My hair is dry as a bone. Only my hands and feet and underarms and under bottox (when sitting).
I am hoping my doc filled out the referal and is not waiting to see me or that will fucking suck. Already at least a 4 week wating list, it's been a week since I called my doc for the referral for the CBT. I think CBT will be better for me then meds, because they never did anything for me except knock me out at night and slightly mellow me out. I rather not swallow a pill if I don't have to.
My anxiety seems okay, I still am taking the cipralex so I think that's keeping me in check on the anxiety but rapid cold turkey from clon's braught on an attack the other day so who knows.
I need to stop writing here, but my hands don;t seem to want to stop.....and for some reason I find that funny...... lol..... not good man.
A bump in my journey...but not really because a bump would be a ATOD relapse but I have not since new years eve. So it's more like..... SAVE BUS FARE FOR THE FUCKING DR NEXT TIME.....situation. lol. Oh well, I'll be fine.
I need to stop writing......Need to find someone on MSN to bug to satisfy my writing urge. I guess my writing urge is now taking place of my touch urge I usually have....a touch OCD i call it LOL I always love touching people...faces, bodies, hands. weird huh? eh well....
Have been good on my touch OCD (haha) for......what..... 2 almost 3 months now. Longest ive gone without touching SOMEONE in YEARS. Then again I take care of my son on a daily basis, but that's different. My touch OCD i think is pleasure based....so ..... yeah...... Ive been celebate for what.... 2 / 3 months..... Blah!
Ok, MSN....better get there before I start talking about my bra size next and shit and more TMI lulz.
I
U my friends.p.s. how do you catagorize posts? ive always wondered....never did find out........
jaw clenching and cold sweats instead of hot sweats..... perfect.