Contentment? Yes It Exists! (For Sweet P)

I've felt many feelings throughout my life:
-sad
-lonely
-angry
-frustrated
-misunderstood
-afraid
-mixed-up
-irritable
-restless
I've even felt happy - but that happiness has always bn a 'euphoria', an excited 'God I'm so HAPPY!' kinda happy

Today after a talk wiv Keira - who isnt just my gf, shes my best friend (just the way a relationship shud b) - I realised theres a new emotion entering my life for the first time
an emotion I'd heard of and always wished to experience as it sounded wonderful - almost better than that euphoric over-the-moon happiness
that emotion is another kind of happiness - contentment

ppl wiv ADHD find it hard to b content cos were always on the go wiv our heads going 1000000kph and our bodies jiggling and restless
in my case even the meds dont seem to help enough, probly cos its bn made so much worse by chronic P use

but luv does amazing things
Keira does amazing things just by...being there

wen am I most content?
wen I'm lying by Keira in bed, talking bout stuff I wudnt tell anyone else (Keiras so trustworthy and honest - one of the million things I luv about her)
we dont need drugs to b happy together - I dont feen wiv Keira round!

shes so beautiful - luvly shaped face, pretty eyes and a gorgeous smile that lights up the room wen she smiles; a luvly shapely breastbone and well-defined features; very Irish-looking (we both hav Irish blood in us but shes very Irish)

but wats beauty? I'd b in luv wiv her if she had 2 heads and green skin
shes also intelligent, artistic, shares my wacky sense of humour, takes me seriously over things utha ppl dont, shes loyal, trustworthy (and trusting/open), shes affectionate...and best of all she helps me feel like I'm worth having someone luv me as more than a 'gd fuck' (as all my utha relationships hav bn bout - except my first bf, who died of an OD)

Keira - I know ull read this, and I wanna let u know (for the 1000000000th time, I U MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF - I BELIEVE UR A GIFT GOD HAS GIVEN ME; MY ANGEL...hopefully forever friends, and in luv for a long time...uve given me the gift of serenity/contentment...and that means so much to me

hun, wen ur ever feeling down bout urself and I'm not there, plz reread this entry
u know me - I dont lie
I say it how it is
wen we got back together I realised that heaven lies on earth in some places too (wherever u r)
AND UR WORTH MORE TO ME THAN MY HORSES; MORE THAN GOLD OR DIAMONDS - OR METHAMPHETAMINE...SO DONT EVER LET UR BPD TELL U UR NOT WORTH SHIT, COS I LIVE FOR U

I luv this new feeling - and I'm never taking my beautiful angel for granted again

 

Awww... this means so much to me. Thanks babe! You know I feel the same about you. Right now I'm also happy and content, which is amazing considering how a shrink recently diagnosed me with anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure in life) from chronic meth use. But right now I'm feeling anything but anhedonic! Love you.

 

Anhedonic is exactly how I feel most of my life - I've bn diagnosed wiv dysthymia (before I ever started using P, tho I'm sure chronic use of that has added to it)
I come across as radiant and bouncy - probly due to my ADHD/the mood swings I get from BPD (if I'm splitting white wiv u then ull see that side of me)
but uve seen my dark side
u know my life story

deep down I'm a v sad person
like a clown, I put on a cheery face to make uthas happy so I'm not a burden to them, but I feel I can b 'me' round u
me comes wiv tearful outbursts and a lot of sleeping, physical/mental illness and hyperactivity (as in I talk too much)

but luv moves mountains
I'm not sad wiv u - I cry but thats cos I'm highly emotional wiv u; u mean so much to me, and I'm so thankful for ur presence
and I can talk to u bout stuff that hurts me deep, stuff I wudnt dare put on BL, and u hold me and ur touch has a tingle of warmth that radiates from ur arms to my skin then warms my stomach like a glass of whisky, and it dries my tears; heals the wounds...cos I've got it out, and somehow, magically, u understand
often uve bn there urself

I dont feel like u see me as a burden - I feel loved
loved the way my mum loves me
unconditional luv
that is magical
I cudnt ask for a better person to hav walked into my life

LUV U 2