Today is STILL Thuesday, April 8th, 2010 and it is now 857 PM here in Brooklyn, NYC.
Picking up from, my talking about Jackie ad maseum (aren't people in love absolutely sickening?)...
I am once again simaltaneously IMing with Jackie as I write this entry, she is still down with a heavy cold. I had entitled my last entry, "No Greater Love" because of something she had said to me last night. We were quiet for a minute or two and then...
(Cebuano/Bisaya translated into English by moi)
Jackie: "Baby, you know what my sister told me today?"
Rachamim: How could I possibly know what she told you hahahaha, what baby?
J: She asked, what if I gave one of the girls to Hassan (Hassan being her ex, Jackie has 2 young daughters, ages 5 and 2.5). Maybe then Hassan will leave me alone.
R: WHAT? That faggot is sniffing around your ass again? Tell me.
J: Noooooooo...Not since Feburary when my brother kicked him in the head.
But what do you think of my sister's idea?
R: Hell No!!! Do you know what would happen to your daughter? He will cut off her clit, take her out of school and sell her into marriage before age 13. Hell no, fuck that piece of shit, I should have ****** him when I was ready to.
*A few pensive minutes go by, I calmed down and analysed her words.
Rachamim: Baby, first, I want you to know, I love you so much. I do not care about anything BUT your happiness. I will always accept you but I want and I need you to answer me honestly: Are you considering this idea because of Hassan, or because you want a fresh start in life?
*A few more pensive moments...
Jackie: I want a fresh start.
R: Jackie, I love you, and I want you to be happy. If you ever did decide something like that, and truly thought about it well, I will not stand in your way. But you must understand, if you do that, you will never see her again.
Were you thinking 1 or both girls?
Jackie: Both. I am hoping you will make the decison for me.
R: Noooooooooo, never. G-D forbid one day you were to be arguing with me and suddenly say, "Because of you I lost my daughters, I hate you!" Noooooo. IF you EVER do this it has to be entirely your decison. I will support you emotionally either way.
J: Do you think bad of me?
R: Baby, I could never think bad of you even if I tried. Look...
*SOME BACKGROUND: Jackie was 16 when she met Hassan (not his real name either). He pressured her, she had never even really talked romantically with a man, she ended up running away from home.
He told her he would never take a 2nd wife (he is Muslim), and that he would legally marry her. He made a fake ceremony and never filed the certificate. Her family disowned her until finally 4 years later she became pregnant with her first daughter. As she got pregnant with their 2nd daughter, he impregnanated another woman and tried to make Jackie accept a 2nd wife...She realised soon after she got with him that it was not love, but thought she had no choice because she had ruined her life. After the 1st child, her family accepted her again BUT by then she felt she was stuck with Hassan...then came the 2nd child and the separation...
Rachamim: Baby...when you were a kid this grown man (she was 16 and he was 32) took advantage of you. He lied to you and in the end you have 2 children with Muslim names and it is natural that when you meet a man you really love, you wish you could erase your past.
But baby, these girls are innocent. They didn't ask to be born. IF their father was a decent man, and could provide a decent life I would not be saying a word. It is not the worst life, many people choose to live as Muslims, but these girls don't have to. You need to consider it very carefully but I WILL be there for you either way.
J: Baby, please answer me honestly: Are you happier with me and the girls, or me alone?
*At this point I was cornered. I am honest to a fault...They are adorable girls, but they are not mine, they don't look like me (that "racial" thing) and they have Muslim names which creates a funny issue back home in Israel. Not major things but enought to make me honestly "not as happy" as I might be.
Rachamim: Well...Look...I love you. I want nothing more than to make you happy. If your girls make you happy than they make me happy. If you are not happy with them, then I support your decison because in the end, I am yours. Please do not put me into the equation. It is not fair to me, the girls or yourself.
J: Yes my love, you are right.
And so we moved onto other subjects...but eveny now and then I would bring it back into the conversation.
In the end she said she will think about it in deoth.
Today I found myself suddenly thinking shit like, "If we did not have the girls I could take Jackie and travel...We could even move to Cambodia! I felt so guilty with these thoughts, like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
It truly does not make me think bad of her, she is a great mom, but she also had a miserable life and those 2 beautiful little girls are a constant reminder of that life. I understand the basic psychological framework. It doesn't make it any easier to contemplate ot digest though...
Picking up from, my talking about Jackie ad maseum (aren't people in love absolutely sickening?)...
I am once again simaltaneously IMing with Jackie as I write this entry, she is still down with a heavy cold. I had entitled my last entry, "No Greater Love" because of something she had said to me last night. We were quiet for a minute or two and then...
(Cebuano/Bisaya translated into English by moi)
Jackie: "Baby, you know what my sister told me today?"
Rachamim: How could I possibly know what she told you hahahaha, what baby?
J: She asked, what if I gave one of the girls to Hassan (Hassan being her ex, Jackie has 2 young daughters, ages 5 and 2.5). Maybe then Hassan will leave me alone.
R: WHAT? That faggot is sniffing around your ass again? Tell me.
J: Noooooooo...Not since Feburary when my brother kicked him in the head.
But what do you think of my sister's idea?
R: Hell No!!! Do you know what would happen to your daughter? He will cut off her clit, take her out of school and sell her into marriage before age 13. Hell no, fuck that piece of shit, I should have ****** him when I was ready to.
*A few pensive minutes go by, I calmed down and analysed her words.
Rachamim: Baby, first, I want you to know, I love you so much. I do not care about anything BUT your happiness. I will always accept you but I want and I need you to answer me honestly: Are you considering this idea because of Hassan, or because you want a fresh start in life?
*A few more pensive moments...
Jackie: I want a fresh start.
R: Jackie, I love you, and I want you to be happy. If you ever did decide something like that, and truly thought about it well, I will not stand in your way. But you must understand, if you do that, you will never see her again.
Were you thinking 1 or both girls?
Jackie: Both. I am hoping you will make the decison for me.
R: Noooooooooo, never. G-D forbid one day you were to be arguing with me and suddenly say, "Because of you I lost my daughters, I hate you!" Noooooo. IF you EVER do this it has to be entirely your decison. I will support you emotionally either way.
J: Do you think bad of me?
R: Baby, I could never think bad of you even if I tried. Look...
*SOME BACKGROUND: Jackie was 16 when she met Hassan (not his real name either). He pressured her, she had never even really talked romantically with a man, she ended up running away from home.
He told her he would never take a 2nd wife (he is Muslim), and that he would legally marry her. He made a fake ceremony and never filed the certificate. Her family disowned her until finally 4 years later she became pregnant with her first daughter. As she got pregnant with their 2nd daughter, he impregnanated another woman and tried to make Jackie accept a 2nd wife...She realised soon after she got with him that it was not love, but thought she had no choice because she had ruined her life. After the 1st child, her family accepted her again BUT by then she felt she was stuck with Hassan...then came the 2nd child and the separation...
Rachamim: Baby...when you were a kid this grown man (she was 16 and he was 32) took advantage of you. He lied to you and in the end you have 2 children with Muslim names and it is natural that when you meet a man you really love, you wish you could erase your past.
But baby, these girls are innocent. They didn't ask to be born. IF their father was a decent man, and could provide a decent life I would not be saying a word. It is not the worst life, many people choose to live as Muslims, but these girls don't have to. You need to consider it very carefully but I WILL be there for you either way.
J: Baby, please answer me honestly: Are you happier with me and the girls, or me alone?
*At this point I was cornered. I am honest to a fault...They are adorable girls, but they are not mine, they don't look like me (that "racial" thing) and they have Muslim names which creates a funny issue back home in Israel. Not major things but enought to make me honestly "not as happy" as I might be.
Rachamim: Well...Look...I love you. I want nothing more than to make you happy. If your girls make you happy than they make me happy. If you are not happy with them, then I support your decison because in the end, I am yours. Please do not put me into the equation. It is not fair to me, the girls or yourself.
J: Yes my love, you are right.
And so we moved onto other subjects...but eveny now and then I would bring it back into the conversation.
In the end she said she will think about it in deoth.
Today I found myself suddenly thinking shit like, "If we did not have the girls I could take Jackie and travel...We could even move to Cambodia! I felt so guilty with these thoughts, like the biggest piece of shit in the world.
It truly does not make me think bad of her, she is a great mom, but she also had a miserable life and those 2 beautiful little girls are a constant reminder of that life. I understand the basic psychological framework. It doesn't make it any easier to contemplate ot digest though...