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associate -
  • allow oneself to be connected with or seen to be supportive of
  • [ intrans. ] meet or have dealings with someone commonly regarded with disapproval
(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used? Do I think its wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just so I ‘remind myself’ or test my recovery? If so, why?

04/07/10 3:15 PM


I just got my computer back from having it repaired and used that as an excuse to not answer questions. I have the computer back now so I no longer have an excuse. I actually WANTED to do some writing on these questions but it seems that I need to have things a very certain way in order to do some things.

Back to the question...

Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction?
Yes I do. Listen, its not like I’m going to seek out the people I used with but I have no intention of avoiding them or attending barbecues or events that they may have. Granted, I have no intention of hanging out very long at any particular gathering but I will most certainly poke my head in to say ‘hey!’.

So far, since being clean, I have been to the bar twice. One was just to say hello to a couple girls from my past that I re-connected with on Facebook. The other was a ‘mini’ high school reunion gathering. I didn’t stay long and there was minimal discomfort.

Now, I’m not an idiot. If I’m invited to a particular picnic (or whatever) during this nice weather, I’m not going to go if I’m in a bad spot mentally.

I refuse to turn into one of those dudes that looks down his nose from insecurity and lack of strength/program at those who still get high. Not everyone has a problem with drugs and alcohol. I do.

Can I still go to the places where I used?
I live in the place where I used. I typically scored my shit, went home and shot drugs until they were all gone. I rarely went out and used socially.

Do I think its wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just so I ‘remind myself’ or test my recovery?
Fuck no!!!! I’d be high as a motherfucker before you could even say ‘motherfucker if I did that.
Well Im 2 days late, nothing new, I've been almost 2 weeks late before but lately I have been regular 28 days.

Normally I wouldn't even post anything cause we've been trying for so long to have 1 more baby, so I never want to jinx myself but now I am all - whatever. If it happens it does, me writing about it won't effect anything.

I got pregnant the same time 10 (almost 11yrs ago). I got pregnant with Austin 5yrs after I had amanda, and austin is almosy 5yrs old.

Que será, será. :\
I just checked this blog for the first time in months.

Heh, check this out. My last entry? I ended up getting real heart-broken. In due course, this section of my life - the space of time between my last blog entry and this - will hopefully be washed away by amnesic baptism.

For heartbreak was only the beginning of it.

There was also being admitted to the ER for Mallory-Weiss Tear and having to receive 2 blood transfusions. Apparently I am one of the lucky 0.0004% of the people who ever get it. I wish I bought a lottery ticket that day.

Then there was failing college...

And then the apartment that just won't sublet and am stuck with until August.

And all the little nasty things in between.

I am in a constant state of shock right now.

I hope this nightmare will be over come august.

At least now that spring is here, I don't have to worry about feeling continuous pain in my fingers and feet.

---

Not to despair, though. I have found out with my doctor that taking a low dose of bupropion (100mg SR) can allow me to use gabapentin at fractions of the doses normally required in order to achieve a state resembling emotional balance. At about $1/300mg, gabapentin is NOT covered by Ontario's aid for low-income families unless indicated for seizures, which for me it is not. So now I can stretch a week's supply for over a month. This is good.

I have also acquired a new hobby. Now that I don't live in a place with a gemstone market, that hobby has become close to obsolete, sadly.

What I found joy in is something radically different yet somehow similar in some respects: soapmaking!

It turns out that various oils all have very different properties when treated with lye to create soap.

Of course, I received more than one raised eyebrow when I tried to buy lye at my local walmart. But I eventually did manage to accquire a small amount. To date, I have made about 6 batches of soap, and attempting to perfect it as far as I can.

I am finding history to be true: the best soap has always been made from olive oil, pure and simple. It was known by various names such as "Castille", "Marseilles", "Aleppo", and the one closest to home, "Nabulsi" (from the Palestinian city of Nablus). Like many things in the mediterranean, every one of those people claims to have invented it :)

But anyway, a maximum of olive oil and a tiny bit of castor oil seems to be the key to good soap. What comes in between is more a matter of taste.

How does this relate to gemstones? It is very alchemical in a way. It is really difficult to tell what a given oil will do once it has been saponified, and, like gemology, there is an art and a science behind the identification of what constitutes good soap.

With that said, I no longer buy "soap" that is sold in markets (a bunch of artificial surfactants), for even my poorest batch is, by comparison, a luxury item.

I've been saving shavings and scraps so that one day I try a hand at making Glycerine soap, which is a bit trickier than normal soap. Will report on findings.

---

Of course, I never lost sight of my true passion: travel. I have been up to the elbow in history books covering the places I've visited and, more importantly, the places I hope to visit.

I still owe you guys an entry about my Balkans trip. Watch this space for info and pics about that soon :).
Back in January I started to get kinda low.....Then I started therapy and depression came up.
I am always saying "No, no, I'm not depressed."
But I gave up. This therapist was the third Dr. to tell me I was depressed......and not in a way like "You're depressed- now you need to take meds" But more like "Oh, I think you are depressed but maybe don't want to show it"
I admitted to myself after that specific therapy session, that yes, I am depressed. From then on, I went lower and lower and lower,.......The last few weeks I kind of crawled into this bubble I created. I haven't been watching T.V., talking on the phone, doing anything really, no cleaning, being outdoors......
I have been in contact with a woman who owns a Wellness Center in Colorado and she is going to offer my Astrology Services at her clinic.......and I haven't even been working on getting myself together for that. (I need to email her my prices and how I want to work payment etc.) But I have no motivation whatsoever. It is so unlike me.
Yesterday and today I have been trying.....
I've been listening to music and responding to people online.
I'm putting this out there to sort of hold myself to moving forward......hopefully it works.
My friends treat me like shit. Not all my friends, just the ones I get my dank from. I'm the nicest fucking person in the world to them. I’m so sick of them. Once I find a new source I’m never talking to those fuckers again. I hate Brian the most. All gangsta wannabe, but he’s really the most pathetic person I have ever met. He confides in me and tells me all this shit about when he cheats on his girlfriend and whatnot, and then treats me like I'm crap. I would be nice to me if I were him.
I don't have a stable wifi anymore and so coming on Bluelight is a little more difficult with an unstable wifi, so I'm still alive just not on Bluelight much. Also I got rid of my facebook which is a little sad as I was doing great in farmville but it was bringing on too much drama. I might get another one but it will be just for close friends and be private.

Well I found out why my dickless ex hasn't signed the papers yet. I got a call from my lawyer the other day stating that he wants full custody. Basically he doesn't want me having any control over her education, religion, or medical. What the fuck??!! So yeah of course my anger got the better of me and I was in a yelling match.

A cute little sidenote. I got the little tyke a tie and dress shoes for the case confrence that I thought we would be going to, but looks like we won't be but who knows with my ex. He's a greedy shallow fuckturd. He needs to be castraded and put in general pop in the local prison just for the sheer LULZ of it. Does that state how much I hate him?

He doesn't want me to have the ability to travel with her unless HE approves it, which means it's never going to happen. We had plans to go to the East Coast eventually but I doubt he'd approve that if he had full custody.

Why are some men such complete fucking assholes? 8)
1) Using large quantities of meth, 3-5 days a week.

2) Feeling like shit for the rest of the week.

3) Repeating this the following week. :|
I am in the Liverpool drug scene, and have been visiting relatives abroad since mid-February. It started out as a fun escape from my shitty life in the UK (No job, etc.) but is slowly destroying me as I don't have ANYTHING to do:

1) No independence- I have no money so am staying in my father's villa and travelling with him to a flat every few weeks somewhere in the Mediterranean. Two house servants do all the chores and as I can't drive and this area has no proper public transport, I can't go anywhere without my old Dad to drive me. It's well beyond a bit of fun now.

2) No drugs- By far the worst problem. No fucking drugs. Money, the language barrier and being with my family has prevented me getting my hands on so much as a pill of Valium. I just want to come to the places I know and get some downers, opiates and coke in my system. (And try some mephedrone.)

3) No community- I don't know a fucking soul here outside my family and I feel so lonely. I am keeping up with mates from home over Facebook but my heavy drug-using associates aren't on it and I feel so down being out of the scene.

I hope to fly back in first week of May and score straight away, then do a massive blow-out on May 22 which I do to symbolically exorcise old demons. (That day one previous year, which I still vividly remember, my parents found out I was doing coke aged 15. I ran away from home and went to live at my dealer's. The day after, I went back to a bar near my old house to go to a mate's 18th. Fucking Dibble cunts picked me up and forced me back home, as I was under 16 and reported missing- but that wasn't the end of the story. My mum and dad physically locked me in the house, lying awake by the door all night for two nights to stop me leaving and meeting my dealer again. I was withdrawing so bad I phoned 999 in desperation asking to be sectioned, and ended up stuck on a locked children's hospital ward. I would still possibly hurt that cunt policeman who told me "You're 15 so you do as your parents say. That's it." if I saw him. If I wasn't religious I would fucking murder him, no problem. But I believe in forgiveness, hard as it may be for me to forgive...)
It is the birds right outside my window making their instinctual noises of mating, spring morning screeches all happy to be alive and fucking, eating, vomiting in the mouths of their flightless young that first wakes me up hours before I had hoped to actually rise and so I throw a pillow over my face, turn on my side and flop my arm up and over my head, press it into my ear to drown out as much noise as possible and begin to fall back asleep. Within minutes I hear similar noises of instinctual idiocy, stupid behavior, children on the other side of the fence, down below, running around and yapping like coked up miniature poodles, screaming at each other, screaming at their parents, screaming at nothing just because they can. "This is the best day of my life!" the little girl yells at the top of her lungs. I want to shoot an exploding rocket through the sky and make jagged pieces of beautiful bright blue fall down on them, crushing them, impaling them, silencing them. I want to set fire to all the houses on the block and hire busses to evacuate everyone away to a safer place, a place not so devoured by raging, angry flames. A place where they can yell as loud as they can, as early as they want, without bothering the unfixable, sterile, sleeping, borderline psychotics of the world. I want to dance naked in the deserted smoke filled streets, pray to the broken sky for them all to never return. I want the flood waters to rise higher and extinguish the flames, carry me away, down stream, forever.
I remember those fat shots. Hitting the floor is a gimme, the flopping around on the ground is a certainty. Prior to that realization, before the train, before the darkness, the words 'Oh fuck' are uttered. No exclamation point. Just a statement of acceptance and fear.

How does it end? Stroke? Death? Pretty close but neither happened. I don't know how the fuck not, but the worst that happened was a paralyzing fear that if I moved any muscles it would cause my heart to explode from the effort.

I laid on the floor for hours once. Sweating, shaking, afraid.

I can apply that 'fat shot' experience to my feelings the past few days. Is the negativity going to take me to the edge or is it going to completely take me the fuck out? The after effects of those shots always went away in time. This will as well.
I made a new friend today. My group cycling instructor at the Y. We are going to hang out this weekend.
Some of our first words were:
ME: "I don't want cats."
HIM: "I don't want kids."
LOL! Setting parameters is good.
So - mephedrone is going to be made class B pretty soon. Of course, this has caused a collective whinge amongst mephedrone users.

This has got me thinking about drug law in general.

Why are some drugs illegal - what they want you to think
Drugs are dangerous
I don't buy this for a second. While it's nice to think the government is looking out for our health, it doesn't make sense. To use a now clichéd analogy, let's ban horse riding too! Let's ban everything that is fun but essentially pointless.

Negative effect on society
The argument: it's not possible to be a productive member of society if you're abusing drugs.
There's an exception made for alcohol -- which we know can be extremely harmful to a person's ability to function.
There is the argument that drug users are more likely to commit other crimes. I don't see the cause-and-effect correlation worked out here -- why not "criminals are more likely to take drugs"?
The classic is the drug addict stealing to fund their habit. I know a guy who stole from his mum's purse to buy coke, and he hated himself for it. I haven't met the stereotypical smack addict who considers mugging old ladies part of their daily routine.

The real reasons
In my opinion
Politician's personal opinions on drugs[/b]
We have all met the "drugs bad!! Can't give a reason, but drugs bad!!" people. We have this drummed into us from a young age. To make it more palatable to Bluelighters -- how many people do you know who do drugs but "would never touch heroin"?. How many think that if you try it once you'll get addicted? How did they come to this conclusion?

Popular opinion
Epic font size because this is the one people seem to ignore.
I do not have a statistic for this - but I think the majority of the population this DRUGS ARE BAD. A politician has worked hard to get where they are (probably), and they want their party to stay in power, or remain in power.
I have epic font sized this because I shudder whenever I see "the government say", "the government want", as if it is some entity with a mind of its own.
Consider if an election was headed for a 50/50 split - one party wanted to legalise and regulate all drugs, and the other wanted to ban them. I'm pretty sure the anti-drug one would win. So, it's important for the current government to match the public's expectations.

So why do people hate drugs so much?
I don't really know.
The easily led probably just believe they're evil because they're constantly bombarded with the message.

But I know intelligent, thoughtful people who don't accept things at face value, and think the popular media is full of shit, yet still think drugs are bad.
I haven't yet heard a good argument for this. I've heard:
"They're dangerous!". That's not really valid, but if it were true - they should choose not to take the risk, but they should not think that people who do are *bad people*.

"It's hedonistic!". Not that exact phrase - but I get the impression a lot of people think you should work hard to be happy. Well, newsflash, the more hedonistic of the drugs (like meph) will not make you happy long term. You still have to work at that.
Some drug users would argue that their use is not hedonistic - I certainly know a lot of psyche fans think it expands their minds. I don't get on with psyches, but I can understand how they can be considered "worthwhile".
The main flaw is the people who have his attitude tend to drink alcohol and/or smoke weed. What's the difference?

"Mind altering is bad"
This is the "it's unnatural to mess with your brain chemistry" bunch.
I'll accept this argument from people who genuinely to construct their life so they only get "real" pleasure - from art, achievement, nature... I refuse it instantly from people who drink.
This is a fine argument really, but if one of my theoretical opposition party wanted to ban alcohol and caffeine, think they'd win the election? Therefore I do not think it is a majority view - I only mention it because it's the only one that holds any water to me.


What do I think?
I don't think the current government has any choice, because of the majority voters' view.
In an ideal world... I think people should have the right to choose whether or not to take drugs. This is a topic that's been covered many times far more eloquently than I can!
Would this lead to an increase in drug use? Maybe. An increase in drug users? Maybe.
An increase in addictions and drug abusers? Well, how does making a drug illegal protect people from that? It doesn't, at all!

I've managed to break free of the problem with mephedrone I originally had. However, my use has been on the increase again -- 3 weekends out of the last 4. When it's illegal, I'll follow it underground, but with less ease than filling in a 5 minute form on the internet. So I suppose in a way making it illegal will make things easier for me. And for that, mr reader, you probably hate me. You probably think I am "one of the few who ruins it for the rest of us". Sorry!
got to see my dad in the psych ward today, he seemed not going that good. knew how to speak n shit, but ever since that brain abscess thing he's been fucking out of it.
as for me, i got up this morning and the chick that ive been living with cooked breakfast.
about 10am after washing the dishs i took off to come down town, got here and found out that my computer wouldnt let me get on it, thing caught a nasty virus n fuckd my shit up pretty bad. took me a good 45minute panic state to beable to know how to restore the damn thing.
restored it :D, my only use of communication. sucks
anyways went 2 lunch with my mom which was cool. we talked about my trip to denver, and that i need 2 get a job to be able 2 show up at my step sisters place and pay some rent monies. so im fuckin pumped over that.
now i just got done visitin with my dad, and he's still a lil fruity but still my old pops.
i am a little worried, i've been calling this chick that i've been staying with and she's not picking up the phone. so i have no fucking clue where she's at. so i don't know what to do.. guess it's gonna be another night outside. eh least the weather is good ya kno?
my moms bout 2 get off work, so still debating weather i should get a ride 2 the chicks place or jus hang out here at the hospital and just wait till i can fucking get n touch with this chick. (just called and no answer. :/) shit sucks, damnit man.
...
*prays*
Yesterday (friday) I had my first visit with my Suboxone doctor and everything went well. I didn't get to pick up my script yet cause my local pharmacy where my insurance info is stored is about 3 hours away and by time i returned home they were closed. I'm not sure if my insurance will cover the script but i have a pretty good feeling about it. Can't wait till monday when i show up at group and can tell them "yes i've been taking suboxone" and show them the script this time.
=D
Today is Friday, April 2nd,2010 and it is now 934 PM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

When we last heard from our hero, Rachamim, he was dealing with the unbelievable drama in his new lover, Jackie's life, as well as the minor drama in his own, courtesy of his "ex," Rizza. As we rejoin him, he is laying in his bed, listening to a DJ Foozball Trance mix cd from 2008, and enjoying himself immemsely. Hmmm...better rephrase that because the "laying in bed, enjoying himself immensely" thing is producing some profoundly unsavoury images even in our hero's mind...

OK, so...Jackie's life has returned to its semi-dramatic normalcy, and things are going great between us. She is always pressuring me to come home of course, and I reckon she has a right to so, so I will probablly book passage this week. Tickets are the lowest I have seen them in years, 784 US, roundtrip. What is amazing is that I can book all the way to her city, Cagayan del Oro, through 1 airline.

In the Philippines, from the US, there are only 2 airports to fly into, Makati's Aquino (usually booked as "Manila," though it is actually in the afore mentioned Makati), and Mactan (usually booked as "Cebu"). The country has other international airports, like Davao's, and they are even building one in Jackie's city of Cagayan del Oro (actually 70 km away in the same province, in some tiny ass village, don't ask me why). However those airports only cater to flights from Jakarta (Indonesia) and UAE (because of the extrodinarily large number of Filipino Guest Workers in the Middle East). To compound issues, Cebu is useless unless travelling specifically to Cebu Island because outgoing flights to any island but Luzon (Manila) are far and few between.

Here-to-fore one would need to fly into Manila, make his or her way across the city of Makati to the domestic airport (not fun to do, SE Asia can be chaotic to say the least), and THEN fly into whatever far flung island you are going to. Travelling to smaller islands can take up to a week because one then needs to take a ferry.

The Philippines has 7,107 islands, over a length of 1400 km north to south. Mindinao is so far from Manila, 960 km south, that most Mindaonowans (actual word) feel as if they live in a diffferent country. Virtually all never go further than 3 or 4 provinces on the same island.

Anyway, talk about going off on a tangent...

I found, to my amazement, that I can book for example, Northwestern from JFK (NYC) into Manila, with a connecting flight on Philippine Air (via the domestic a.p.) for no extra fees. So, I am thinking that as long as I can fly quickly into Cagayan (and the 4th Infantry Division base, Camp Evangelista) I can avoid the uncertainties of the pre and immediate post-Election chaos that always takes place in the Philippines.

Election time is kiling time, national elections usually have OFFICIAL body counts in the 3 digits. Mindinao is the most violent island in the country. Cotabato had a grenade attack last week at a pre-election meeting of local politicos, as well as the Maguindanao Massacre I talked about in a previous entry, where 57 were mowed down with a belt fed M16, AFTER sexually mutilating the women while they were alive, and so on.

My village of San Franz is not one that suffers from such violence because our family controls it and does so with an iron fist. If it is not 1 of Rizza's uncles and aunts sitting as mayor, it is a Lademora, our G-Dparent's family.

In the Philippines, when you marry, you have G-Dparents, they help prepare the wedding, offer advice if needed, and so on. Our
G-Dfather is a Manobo (Hilltribe) who works with the Govenor who herself is also related to us by marriage (the Plaza family who run both our province of Agusan del Sur, as well as the adjoining province of Agusan del Norte). Our G-Dmother is a daughter of Col. Carlos "Charlie"or "Laddie" Lademora, the overall commander of our local paramilitary. I have spoken about his claim to fame previously, he exterminated an entire village while in the CP (official paramilitary, Constalbury Pilipina, as opposed to the SEMI-official paramilitary he now leads). The daughter was the mayor 2 "slots" ago, her bro who officiated at our civil wedding is the current mayor. We switch "slots" between Beldads, our family, and Lademoras. A "slot" is for 2 terms, 6 years, and the same person can take their side's next slot again. We are also intermarried with them even though they are actually Ilonggos (another tribe).

Col. Lademora was forced to retire from the CP just before it was disbanded by President Aquino, the 1st post-Marcos President. It was disbanded because of issues exactly like the one surrounding the Col.

CP was founded by the Americans just after they took over from Spain but since the 1950s was entirely a Filipino affair. The post-WWII years saw a (previous) communist insurgency from the "Huk," an guerilla army based on Luzon.

On the island of Samar, in the Visayan Islands north of Mindinao, in the early 80s, the Col commanded a district. Entering a village ALLEGEDLY, he had the men, women and children lined up against he outer wall of a grammar school. 1 by 1, walking down the line, he solicited info on the NPA, the latter (and present) communist insurgent army. As each villager denied knowing anything they were shot in the head. It was a small village and I believe the OFFICIAL bodycount was less than 50 but it was enough to make the international media. In previous years it would have never made it past the domestic censors but Marcos was losing his grip.

As the Col faced a charge of Crimes Against Humanity he did what many in his position have done, he came south. He had previously operated in Lanao del Sur, against he Islamic insurgency on the Mindinao and knew our sland well.

Our province of Agusan del Sur is the capitol of the Bisaya (Visayan) on Mindinao. We have the lowest Muslim population on the island (all of 80 families), are extremely isolated even now then, like now we were the epicenter of the communist insurgency. This last fact allowed the Col to carve out a niche for himself.

His patron, Conjuangco, a crony of Marcos and the owner of San Miguel Beer among other well known ventures, was just becoming a partner with the UK based company Guthrie. They sought to carve out a large portion of our province and create a palm oil plantation.

To create this plantation they needed land, and to get land a lot of hilltribesmen and poor Bisaya would need to be "removed." The Col found his calling (just as I 1st arrived in the village coincidently) and his patron in Manila, Conjuangco, had the charges in the mass murder case nullified.

The Col then became the 1st ever Filipino "Lost Command." Supposedly the term originated with Americans in Viet Nam, to describe rogue S. Viet Namese commanders who began operating according to their own personal agendas.

The Col became the 1st Filipino to have the moniker attached but many have had it applied since, Col Navarro also in our province, another anti-communist leader, currently 3 MILF (Muslim) commanders, etc on the souther western coast of the island and so on.

When I met the Col I was a mere Command Sgt (Staff Sgt is closest equivalent in the US but more like a Sgt Major). Soldiers tend to recognise soldiers and in any event I was the only foreigner to walk in that village in many years and everyone was interested in what I was doing.

I was invited to visit his Camp, just south of the village proper off of National Hiway, in what is now Sector I of the palm oil plantation (now owned by a Malaysian consortium, Guthrie sold it long ago). He had 400 plus men, all CP and AFP (miltary proper) vets, well trained and I was extremely impressed. I was taken aback by the Col (and many underlings) anting-anting. "Antings" are talismen, objects that Bisaya (and othere tribes) believe impart magical power. They believe the can even gain invinciability against bullets, turn invisible and so on. The Col wore a chain of human ears, taken from local NPA and Muslim settlers. At least they did not engage in cannabilism (as far as I know) like a lot of Bisaya paramilitaries (eating body parts imparts strong power).

In any event the Col is now very elderly, his son will be stepping aside for a Beldad to assume the mayoralty, and that is that.

So, as I was saying, planning to go home maybe in 3 weeks. IF a coup kicks off prior to my departure I may have to reroute into Indonesia or Malaysia and take a boat in but I am planning to fly into Cagayan as I said. Jackie is beside herself missing me, and I admit, it has been about 3 months since I have seen her and I am missing her, badly.

Everytime I see a plane flying overhead I actually stop and look for a few moments...wishing...

I IMd with Rizza today after playing tag for a few days. She is still out of touch with reality. Now she is begging me for a photo of Jackie. Suuuuuuure. She finally told me about the man she has, a 27 Filipino with a goiter!!! Well, good for her, maybe he has a great personality. I just pray she finds the hapiness she has been looking for. For me, for the 1st time in my life I am beside myself with happiness and can only hope she enjoys the same.

She is still pining for a baby, telling me Ariel, her eldest bro, the child after her, has just had his 1st son. I am not sure what to think. He is in Manchester, England working toward his Masters and working for the National Health Service. He has been there for , if I remember correctly 7 or 8 months. It IS possible I suppose that he fathered it but out of wedlock? My inlaws must be so sad.

Life IS pain but sometimes, just sometimes it has the glimmer of hope, of happiness. I am enjoying that glimmer very much.
yeah been having a rough pass few days :/. ahh o well, maybe tommoro will b a better day.

err keep me n ur prayers.
So, I took the day off from school and spent the majority of the day (since I didn't get up til 10 :\) walking around downtown Ashevegas, and picking up or filling out job apps. I had one interview at a discount organic grocery that is SO close to my house, so I'm hopeful about that one! There is another local organic grocer that's hiring for the deli and I'll turn in my app there tomorrow. SOOO many restaurants gave me the, "We are always taking applications" or "You can drop off your resume if you want" or "We will PROBABLY need new people soon, now that the weather is nicer; not sure though." It was freakin HOT today too! The UPPER 70s!!! I had to change into a tank top and shorts just to walk around. Spring is in the air here, for sure. There were lots of cute (but young!) skater boys doing their thing. Apparently there's a skate park downtown.
I am getting a 200 dollar refund from an insurance co soon, but that won't be until after May 4th. The money situation is not a HUGE deal I guess, since I'll take the lifeguard refresher course the weekend of the 16th and probably return to my usual stomping grounds. I thought I could get into something different though!
My BF and I are talking about going to Bonnaroo, but that's 500 dollars we really don't have, so I told him either we volunteer (so we go for free) or no go. If only we didn't have to deal with a million doctor's bills from Cbear's overdose "adventure." We were doing great up til then...
I finally started getting my periods again since getting the paragard put in. It's good to know that I'm not infertile. I'm jealous of R's wife. I want to stay home and have babies. Sort of.
:X:X:!:!

Two weekends in a row and no dope..... fml!

it never used to be this hard. 3 years ago I could cop just by turning around. I guess thats because i surrounded myself with the right people......

This sucks anus. why is it that when you actually want something it's never around and when you don't it's everywhere.


I'll just give up on Ronny after this weekend if he doesnt show up.
Disclaimer: I believe in the right of all people to express their religion as they choose and I do not advocate lying.

As happens on occasion, I had a pair of gentlemen with copies of the publication "Watchtower" knock on my door yesterday. I have a "NO SOLICITORS" sign in my window, but I suppose my salvation is more important to some people than my right to privacy.

The guys were young and hot, I'll give them that. They asked if they could talk to me for a moment. I am sure they are perfectly nice people, and although I am not a person of faith in the strict sense, I was born to a Roman Catholic family, most of whom are extremely devout, and since I have not formally renounced my religion of origin nor been excommunicated... you get the idea. On the occasions I am obliged for family reasons to attend Mass, I do not take Communion, although technically I can and should. Call me a conscientious objector or something.

I simply said "Oh, you're Jehovah's Witnesses. I am a baptized and confirmed Roman Catholic (true) and while I respect your teachings (not really true) I am not looking to be converted and I will remind you it is Lent. Peace be with you."

They wished me peace in return. And I need some freaking peace. Surely they get told to fuck off all the time. I am not that kind of person at heart. If they remember me in their prayers, then I commend them. I think they're brainwashed cultists and I object to both, but who am I to judge? That might be one thing organized religion got right - the principle of non-judgment.

Protip: if you want to get rid of someone attempting to evangelize at your doorstep, tell them you are Catholic. An alternative would be to tell them you are a Sc*entolog*st, but it wouldn't have the same theatrical or practical value if your hobbies do not include couch-jumping or making pejorative remarks about the mentally ill.

As with many "recovering Catholics" I feel an incredible sense of guilt and wrote my family pastor an e-mail. He agreed that I did the right thing although he still wishes I'd go to Mass more often. I often present questions regarding ethics to Catholic priests, and none I have ever known has ever sodomized a little boy.

Lesson learned: treat people kindly and you shall receive the same in return.
I WANT TO SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD.

5 30am

I HAVE CLASS AT 11 30am

FOR FUCK SAKES MY BRAIN IS SO SCATTERED. I'VE LOST SO MUCH SLEEP OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS IM STARTING TO LOSE IT.

SOMEONE JUST COME TO MY ROOM WITH A BAT AND KNOCK MY ASS OUT COLD

FUCK ME
So......I found this little thing by Steven Forrest in a magazine I read and found some of it amusing.
I see the side of myself that is so Aquarian but I always identify more with Libra.....but here are a couple things from Steven Forrests' "Aquarius Interlude" from TMA that really struck a chord with me:

"What is my soul predicament?
You have reached a stage in the evolutionary journey where you must counter social conditioning in order to align your biographical life with the true intentions of your soul."

"Describe my most evolutionary strategy-
Be willing to disappoint everyone who has a plan for you or who "only wants the best" for you.Follow the path of your own truth- wherever it leads"

"What burden do I bear for my community?
You bear the weight of seeing the pitiful hunger for others' approval, which motivates most human endeavor. "

The one that made me laugh at how my Libran qualities overtook was the Aquarian Affirmation which is "I am what I am. What you think of me is your business."
In a way, it is me. I am accepting of the person I am and won't change for anyone unless I think I need to change b/c I see it as an improvement.....but I am ALWAYS curious as to what others think of me!!! :)

Anyway- kind of a rambling blog but found it funny.
I know this is a popular video and everybody has probably seen it, but I'm out of the loop when it comes to YouTube and I only just saw it today...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

The part when the guy was dancing to "I like big butts and I cannot lie..." had me laughing out loud. :D
Another week of work leading up to another weekend of doing things followed by some more work and things..........so on and so forth.....fuck my life.........i need something and i hate philly any more.
I noticed that when I started working out that my upper back, shoulders, bicep were feeling really ripped and sore. Feels like I got some gain. I need to get back to the gym starting tomorrow cause I have been slacking.

Is it possible to get a natural T raise? I've been noticing more hair. I think that my T levels are normally higher than normal. I have always had hormone issues but never asked to get my T levels checked, maybe I should.

I still feel the slight gain in my shoulders, but since I have been lazy now I am feeling the strain on lifting. I can't afford to be lazy anymore or I will suffer in the long run.

I need to get a dietary plan set in. I need to eat better to get more gain in weight. I am 5'5" and I flux from 96Lbs to 101Lbs. I haven't weighed myself today but I probably am closer to 101Lbs because I have been pigging out on Bread and Pasta but I have noticed since I cut out cola and chocolate that its took a toll on my weight. I went from 106Lbs to 101Lbs. I think its for the best though as my abs feel good but my hips need some meat on them, its not too pretty when your hip bones are jetting out.

I think I need more than 1307Cal per day to maintain weight. To gain I need Daily Calorie Intake: 2416

Now I have the pain steaking task of find out what foods are best.

I am shooting to gain 20Lbs. I want to be at least 120Lbs before I start weight training. I don't want to start working out and lose weight while at 100Lbs, which would be very bad for me. Plus I want to be at a healthy weight before I try and get on T.

I need to eat more dairy, fruits, nuts, vegetables.

I am dying for mint chocolate chip ice cream. Mmmmn. =D
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