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Hey,

Never done a blog before - but if you knew me you'd wonder why on earth haven't I started one years ago...

It seems fitting to start a blog right after falling off the wagon. I was completely clean for a total of 4 days, and now I'm not sure what I'm going to do? I've tried not to think of it as a failure....

I my bupe WD sypmtoms were so mild it really didn't warrant this slip back - I think I did it because I know I'm going to go through hell at some point over the next 2 weeks - I just don't know exactly when

here i am. stuck again. stuck in life. time flying by and here i am just standing here in the middle of it, waiting for something to happen.

i've been in this position before and i made the tough decision to pack my things and move half way across the world. i thought it would help. i thought if i put myself in a position where i'd have no support that i would have to fend for myself, and i guess rebuild. rebuild myself into someone i was proud of. someone i was happy to be.

i was there for a year. it went okay i guess. enjoyed my work, while it lasted. but everything didn't quite progress or rebuild as much as i could have hoped. socially i was still a retard, self esteem was still in the red.

i spent 1 year there. but i don't think i made the most of it. in fact, i'm certain i didn't.

i believe in "just do it". but i don't have the courage, or the balls to actually "just do it". maybe i'm a pussy. maybe i just need to grow some balls. fuck knows.

all i know is that i'm stuck again. and i'm getting sick of feeling sorry for myself and hoping for shit to change, when the only thing stopping me is myself.

so far it seems like a really helpfull site with really nice forums for all the smokers around , and for those that are ready to try new things, and not just to fuck up with ur mind.
i personaly use only plants such as: weed, shrooms, salvia, lotus, hydro, etc.
i like to enjoy the simple things that nachure brought to us, and i'd like to learn how to use it properly.
i see this site as a site that is full of knowledge and experience.
i'd be glad to get to know you people, so we all share whatever we have up in our head, not just 'bout weed and such as.
any way, that's me in pic below or where ever u guys see it
nice to meet!

Fed up with drinking. Fighting w/ds with diaz. Woke up yesterday freezing and sweating, got the anxiety rush, finished a glass of wine left over from the night before and that was that. Not drinking today. Spent the night somewhere safe feeling... valume and flexeril helps too i guess lol. Just dosed up with some val. This will work. It really does kill the shakes and the anxiety, the chest pains.. it helps me think straight, it's like I can't form a fuckin sentence or do the simplest things when I'm sobering up. It's gone wayy too far. I'm so done. Thank god for benozo's though, I'd be fucked..

Figured I would just post something here to keep track of myself.

Today is Wednesday, May 12th, 2010 and it is now 559 PM here in Brooklyn New York City.

Recap: My last entry spoke a bit more about the horrid baby shower I was "Shanghaid" into attending on Satyrday, May 8th, in the South Bronx.

The shower ended promptly at 6 PM, which is the great thing about afternoon gatherings, none of the horrendous "hanging on until tomorrow" bullshit that goes hand in hand at evening soirees. I am not anti-social per se, just that I do not drink alcohol, I do not dance and do not much see the point in enforced socialising. If I enjoy your company, why would I not be seeing you all through the year, as opposed to these inane gatherings? Like the book and movie say, "No man is an island" and so I allow myself, from time to time, to be dragged kicking and screaming to these "things."

I was in a rather shitty mood because Jackie and I had last talked Thursday evening NY time. Regular contact with the Philippines has always been an issue. Until the present, bush towns in Mindanao, and I am sure any smaller islands, are without any kind of reliable mail service. Post offices exist but mail delivery does not. Feeding outlying post offices does not depend upon any set system of affairs so that even posting domestically, from Manila to my town of San Francisco on Mindanao is usually going to end up without success.

Posting from the US or Israel is guaranteed to not work out. There are, as of the last couple of years, air freight companies, like the Federal Express contractor, "Airfreight 2000." The delivery usually arrives, if about a week after it was supposed to and without knowing until the last minute whether or not it even passed Customs...

Phones are another aggravating issue. Until about 2004 there were only landlines in the bush and they basically consisted of "Call Centres" semi-funded by the government. If anyone has ever dealt with calling outlying areas of Mexico (as I do for my daughter) they will know what I mean by "call centres."If you wanted to call someone, and were even able to get a connection to the call centre, you would tell the clerk the name of the recipient, and their "address" (another spotty issue), or in lieu of existing addresses some kind of identifying information anout their residence. You would be told to call back in between 1 and 3 hours. IF at that time you are still able to make the connection, you had an "iffy" chance that they would have found the person and that they would have made it back into the town/village proper.

Then, in 2004, technology not only caught up with the rural Philippines, it lept past its existing level of infrastructure and created a totally connected population. The Philippines are literally the most connected of any population if one judges such things by "SMS" ("texting").

I have a mate who contracts in Afghanistan and he told me, about 2 years back, how ironic it felt to be travelling some gravel track in the wilds near Tajikistan, and to come across a nomadic tribe of herders, living much as their ancestors did when Alexander the Great's troops passed through, and then to look a bit closer at that pastoral scene and see a youth of 14 babbling away in Tajik, into his Nokia!

Technology, as they say, is both a blessing AND a curse.

In the Philippine's case it is indeed a blessing but as I said the infrastructure needs to play a lot of catch up. The transmission towers are not exactly top notch, and of course there is the ever present insurgency to deal with. A frequent target for both the Maoists and the MILF ("Moro Islamic Liberation Front" an Islamo-Fascist band of undisciplined nutters) is to blow up pylons.

Even when they are not playing "Che Guevera" with pylons the service is intermittent, so that IF one regularly calls Mindanao, more often than not they will be out of luck.

That leaves the internet. In 2005 Rizza and I were living here in New York as I worked at the World Trade Center site. She felt pent up as I had been, since 9/11, working 7 days a week, 12 hours a day. So off she went to visit her family on Mindanao. One day she did not come on line, which is not unusual given, as I have said, the lack of infrastructure. At that point DSL was the best the entire island had to offer and even then it was spotty. The day turnes into "days," and then a "week." On the 10th day I finally found out that a "Bottom Trawler" (a fishing boat with a gigantic net that is weighted down to drag the sea bed) had snagged a fibre optic cable off of Taiwan. Amazingly, the entire Philippine archipelago (7,107 islands) depended on that single cable!

In the end we didn't have internet, phone and of course mail for 3 weeks.

But in 2010 things are different. 2008 saw broadband arrive along with a plethora of providers...We have had a day without contact but that has been so rare.

Jackie didn't contact me until Tuesday morning NY time, and at that point I had already been making arrangements to fly out there. My passports have me with military-short hair, so I went and got my head shaved down, booked a flight for Thursday, May 13th and put in for 25 bottles of methadone...but of course, as I just said, she made contact.

In past entires I have mentioned how Jackie and I must keep our relationship very low key. Bisaya Culture dictates that even if the Philippines allowed divorce, and it does not, a married woman stays married forever. This is changing slowly in places like Cebu that have a lot of foreign influence but on Mindanao it is as strongly dictated as it ever was.

Jackie's situation is unusual though. Although she lives as a Bisaya, her dad is a "Lumad" (loo-mad), a Hilltribesman (Higaon-an Tribe) and they are married for eternity, not even widows remarry though even in Bisaya widows rarely do so.

Then there is Jackie's "marriage" to consider. Her ex is a Tausug Tribesman, one of the 13 tribes collectively known as "Moro," which is itself an ethni-religious catchphrase used to describe Filipino Muslims. Tausug DO allow divorce per Islam but it is considered so shameful that they will usually just kill the woman.

About 2 weeks ago her eldest sister asked her, half seriously, if she had a "secret boyfriend." In just about all Philippine ethnicities the eldest daughter assumes a rome much like the mother that increases in responsibility with age. Her eldest sister evidently takes this role quite seriously.

Jackie ignored the question and this caused the sister to go apeshit. She ran to their parents and complained about how disrespectful Jackie was being. Her younger brother, the methamphetamine addict, volunteered that it was because Jackie had a "Kano" (white man). This caused a huge argument that continued, while getting progressively worse, until Wednesday. That day her eldest sister stole Jackie's ID and her smart phone. Since her addict brother had stolen her PC, we had relies on that phone to IM. Her father, all her sisters and brothers (3 each) told her that she only wanted a Kano for money.

That is ironic because back in October I tried to convince Jackie to let me support her financially. I didn't like the fact that her ex was paying her rent, etc, although in truth it was for their daughters.

He is an NCO, and the AFP (Philippine Military) pays 12,000 Pesos (60 US with the Dollar weak as it is now but usually 240). While being very well paid in the Philippines, he was giving her 10,000 a month. It left A LOT of questions in my mind, such as, how he could afford to support himself, let alone his 2nd woman and new baby they had. Still, Jackie reminded me that IF she stopped taking the money (paid via ATM so they never saw each other) the family would know she and I were a couple). Besides, she did not want me giving her money.

After Valentines weekend when he tried to forcibly move back in to her house, he cut off the money. At that point she STILL would not accept money from me so they nonsense was especially hurtfull to her.

Then they told her that IF she was going to go with me it was better for her to forgive her ex and make a life because otherwise she would just be a whore. She was so insulted and hurt.

So, Thursday, after she IMd me from the cafe, and walked into her house a few doors down from the cafe, her addict brother screamed that he had seen her in the cafe and slapped her face.

All her siblings and even her father began berating her horribly and not seeing a way out she grabbed some bleach and maaged to drink some before they pinned her down.

They called the ambulance and she was hospitalised until Monday evening, and only able to get to the cafe Tuesday night, NY time...

I will continue....

i woke up early this morning. and i lay quietly in bed thinking. for some reason i thought about you, and i couldn't get back to sleep.

i thought about the past year, and the past few months. and i realised, fuck you.

when i let myself take charge and make the effort to keep our friendship, i saw you pretty much every week.

and now the past few months when i told you that you'd have to make the effort, i haven't seen or heard from you at all.

so fuck you. fuck you when you said that you cared about me, about our friendship, about how we were special. fuck you and your lies.

I just moved to Ann Arbor, MI. Need I say more?

Two days ago I had only 4mg of Suboxone left - or half of one of my 8mg tablets, and not enough money to make an appointment for at least several days.

So I called the pharmacy and casually asked for a refill (pretending I had one left), which is a mistake they've made a handful of times with me. Unfortunately, the douche on the phone was quick to shut that idea down.

He asked me if I wanted him to call my doctor and ask for a refill, and I said no, as I'd rather make the call for various reasons (I feel I can ask better, I've been going there for over a year now).

So, I just called the same 24-hour pharmacy (it's 5:30 A.M.), and a woman picked up the phone who has made some mistakes in my favor before. I tried again, and failed, but come to find out my doctor sent me a refill of 14x 2mg Suboxone. I've never had the 2mg before, they are almost twice as expensive per mg as the 8mgs are. Although it makes me happy to see I'm not going to have to go into withdrawals, this asshead clearly called my doctor without my permission. I feel had I made the call, I could have surely gotten a refill of my 8mg tablets.

It just doesn't seem legal. Anyhow, although I've been on Suboxone for 13 months, it is clear I am still an addict - making calls to pharmacies in the middle of the night and trying to cheat their system.

help suspect my husband of doing coke .. alays has a stuffy nose and red eyes? i ask about it but he says hes tied al the time or its because he welded all day (hes a welder) always blows his nose . I NEED HELP! PLEASE

Today is Monday, May 10th, 2010 and it is now 143 PM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

When I last blessed you with my wry but discerning intellect I was at a baby shower that was just getting underway in a South Bronx housing project, dreading the impending rumble slash fart of Reggaeton that was about to rip my hemmorhoids apart...

My friend paid 140 US to have it catered. What does one get in New York City for 140 Dollars? Well, HE got 1 "pernil" (Hispano-Carribean roast shoulder of pork, marined in sour orange juice and/or limes, garlic, oil and herbs, then slow roasted untilb the skin/crust is crackling and the meat distentegrates off of the bone). 2 "pollos asadao" (chiken done up pretty much the same way EXCEPT rotisseried, which come to think of it is 1 of the 2 traditional ways "pernil" is done although noone really bothers anymore. The 2nd traditional way is to do it as Jamaicans do "jerk," without the spiciness. In other words, dig a 1 meter pit, put sand on the bottom, gravel and then flat river stones all across the bottom. Start a wood fire atop, when it dies down and the rocks are red hot, put your meat on the rocks/stones, baste that meat VERY well, cover with a piece of corrugated roofing tin or zinc, cover with stones, bury in soil and dig up 36 hours later...Wow, get me off on a fucken' tangent yah?

He also got 1 baking pan full of "platanos maduro," which are yellow plantains, deep fried as is in oil. Plantains for those unaware if a cousin of the banana, looks EXACTLY the same although about 3 times fatter and longer. When green, or "verde," you can cook it a couple of ways. If you have no oil, or just dig the taste of boiled tubers (potatoes), you can place it in a pot of simmering water, with ot without salt, oh so simple.

Usually though, Caribbean-Hispanos will slice it, smash it flat with the bottom of a cup, etc, season it with "adobo*" (which in the US usually means store bough powdered adobo or worse, "sazon*".

*What in the world is "adobo"? It is a Caribbean-Hispano dried/powdered seasoning, usually "Goya" brand. Goya is another story in itself but enough of my verbose, encyclopediac bullshit.

*"Sazon" is pretty much the same with a shitload of "achiote" for yellow colouring and Good old "MSG" (monosodiumgluthamate), the crap Chinese takeaways stopped using in the late 1980s (except in NYC ghettoes...

So, they do all that to the slices, not complicated at all trust me, and then they fry it in just a coating of oil in a skillet. They are OK as long as I slather them in Carribean-Hispano hotsauce like "Goya," etc.

He also got 1 baking tin of Puerto Rican style "Arroz con Gondules" (Rice and Pigeon Peas/Field Snaps). Puert Ricans eat their rice, almost always, yellow. They never use "Zafra" (Saffron) like a true Spaniard would and well they should not at a price literally higher than gold gramme per gramme, and without the importation fee (not grown in the Carribean traditionally). Pigeon Peas aka "Field Snaps" as American Blacks call them, are little field legumes, they taste mighty good to yours truly.

Funny, when I first began my BL Journal, the progenitor of this BL Blog, it was to emulate 2 people I admire so very much. 1 was Crystal Callas aka "Maria Callas" as her current screen name is known (for the last 4 years). She is incredibly creative and though she posts barely at all now, despite still Moderating at least 1 forum, her entries used to incorporate all sorts of different media.

More to the point, for this spiel, the 2nd person I admired and wanted to emulate, was a Malaysian bloke, a BL memeber, who used to Blog offsite as "Sixthseal," at his own domain.

He fucked himself up by being absolutely honest. I will get to that in a second. I really admired how he anal retentively catalouged every take away meal he experienced, complete with photos nicely done up. Malaysia of course has incredible cusine as compared to the Philippines, forget about the SOUTHERN Philippines which has about 7 dishes, and most people eat only 2 or 3...

I also admired his absolute and brutal honesty. It is why I crazily committed myself to posting under my actual full name, listing my actual street adresses, my employment info, actual psychoactive (drug) intake, and many illegal activities. I went so far, on my BL Journal, to talk about a 4 hectare poppy crop I was growing in the Philippines! At the time that was a fucking capital crime (the growing, not the "talking," no "Conspiracy" statutes like its faux-fascist degenerate Uncle Sam.

Anyway, Sixth did that (except his street adresses) and ended up in a Malaysia Court, sentenced to 2 years in a state in-patient rehab for simply USING drugs that were prescribed for him...albeit he did admit he wanted them only to "get high."

My own sad and terrible experiences with my own anal retentive honesty was having some BL dickhead call my NYC police precinct (the 40th )Precinct by the way hahah) and report a "tip," that I had committed a MURDER. Hahahahahah.

I talked about it on the Journal, even got Lacey (LaceyK, another Mod) wound up...

It was a Sunday evening about 10 something in the evening? I was sitting in my briefs catalouging NY Times articles on the Mid-East, spread out on my bed when 4 plainclothes pigs kicked open my bedroom door.

In NY, any legal resident of a dwelling is allowed to give verbal permision for a Warrantless Search. The "DTs" had knocked on my front door, asked directly if they could search, and Rizzabeing the law-abiding square that is said "Of course officers."

After kicking in my door (literally) and putting me in a 4-point pin on my bed, face down in newsprint, they seacrched the room oh so carefully. I am not a virgin to the system so I did not even bother saying a word...About 20 minutes later they realised they had been played, looked pissed. They did not say a word other than, "Did you hear gun shots?" Whatever asshole, play it off, just haul ass... They did,and away the issue went.

Afterwards I was horrified to realise how I appeared! Sitting in my drawers, with a giant scissors cutting out newspaper articles, with a huge pile of them? I am sure those cops thought I was a top-flight nutter, John Hinckley the 4th or whatever Federal nutjob in America (granted, the country DOES ha gets all the attention these days (or conversely, in THOSE days since it was after all, something like 2003).

Honesty DOES have a price. All in all I appreciate my decison it has been very rewarding for me intellectually. I found that online people will often shout silly insults and horrible thoughts that would never have the balls to comw close to saying in public I also found that so many people lie their ass off.

There was a poster, he probablly still posts here since he was always changing his ID. This poster would get into a discussion with me in CE and P Forum (Current Events and Political) and...for example...let us say the discussion revolved around the West's lust for fossil fuels, and how on some level (according to me) it does justify the West's intervention in Iraq, etc, etc.

He would respond that he used NO fossil fuels. He walked or rode his bicycle, never even took mass transport. I would reply along the lines of, "Well, you DO use plastics yes? You ought to research how plastics are manufactured," HINT. I would needle him, telling him that PC he was using incorporated plastics. His amazing reply? Mind you I am NOT embellishing! He responded, "My PC has a wooden case and all bio-degradable materiels. I built it from a kit myself!" Hahahahahahah.

This is EXACTLY one of the things I hope to avoid. If I offer up unfettered honesty, it may just inspire others to dot the same, at least part of the time. Never works of course but fuck it, was worth a shot. In the end it is good my character.

So, getting back to "the food"....140 US for what would have cpst from that same resturant much less than 50 US, IF one picked up themselves and did NOT use the word "catering." What was this "catering" anyway?

A teenager drove over his mum's compact car, lifted the boot and delivered 4 baking tins!!! Can you say, "Robbed you without a pistol?"

I am running mad long in this post so that I will post now to ensure the "character count/limit" does not kick in and screw this entry up.

(Edited for spelling)

So I got myself a new San Pedro recently, and just today found a suitable pot for it. It wasn't quite what I wanted (I had my heart set on a central-American-style pattern), but I drove around lightly stoned for what must have been the hottest part of the day to try and find a good one, and once it reached 2PM this seemed good enough. It's still a nice pot though; I like the textured surface.

Flickr photo-set

This marks the beginning of what is going to be a worthwhile life journey. A long-term project is something that I've needed for a while, so this seemed a good idea. Something to look forward to in the future, which is something my current perspective has lacked.

I am a little worried about the discolourations on one side of it however. If anyone can identify what that is, please let me know! I do own a book on cacti, which I have yet to read (lol), but has been working its way around my circle of trippers (who all bought their own cacti )... I'll go pick it up tonight and do some reading methinks.

Today is Saturday, May 8th, 2010 and it is now 109 PM here in the South Bronx, New York City.

Why pray tell am I in the South Bronx and NOT in Brooklyn where I live? I am at a baby shower for a friend of mine.

It is being held at the Mott Haven Community Center in the Mott Haven Housing Project (a "housing estate" as they say in England). A 60 year old gymnasium, small in size where I helped set up the folding tables and chairs, and carry in drinks, etc.

It is just beginning now, the DJ is setting up, and since these people are Puerto Ricans I am sure I will have a splitting headache in about 15 minutes. Reggaeton is "OK "...in very limited dosages. It should come with a fucken warning label: "WARNING: The sounds you are about to hear have made coyotes sterile."

Reggaeton is such an interesting genre (NOT). It began in Panama in Central America, in the "Canal Zone." The Zone is US territory that was SUPPOSED to revert to Panama, as Hong Kong did to China. When it became clear that former dictator Manuel Noriega would not be extending the US "lease" on the vital waterway he suddenly became a "dangerous" cocaine dealer (as opposed to the 90% of cocaine dealers who work with at least tacit approval of the US Government). Launching their he-man/woman hater military raid that merely caused old Manny, or "pineapple face" as some lovingly called him, take refuge in an embassy. The US then used the creme a la creme of intelligantsia to develop a sure fire strategy; To effect Mr. Noriega's voluntary surrender, the US would blast...MUZAK! "We've only just beeeeeeegun........."

The Canal was originally an American effort and lacking the manpower to construct it, the contractors began importing labour from the English speaking Carribean, primarily Jamaica.

Arriving at the turn of the 20th Century these arrivals, for the most part, stayed, though they made a real effort and for the most part married women from their home islands.

The result has been a unique ethnicty, 3rd generation Panamaian-Jamaicans who speak perfect Spanish with a very noticeable English accent accent (2nd such ethnicity in Hispano-America). These 3rd generation youth, in the eaely 1980s, began getting into the Dancehall Reggae so popular then (and now) in Jamaica.

Though almost all spoke English, it was as their 2nd language and many were frustrated by not being able to fully express themselves in lyrics.

They began "toasting" (Dancehall "rapping") in Spanish.

In 1985 the earliest "star" "El General" and the music gained notice in purely Spanish speaking speaking nations, including Puerto Rico. By 1996 Puerto Rico became the centre of an altogether new form of music.

Instead of simply using Spanish or even "Spanglish,"these new artists were changing the music's entire structure, creating new types of "riddims" (Dancehall Producers create instrumental tracks, over which different artists "toast."

Probablly the best known of the early Puerto Rican artists was "DJ Playero."

Although in the last 3 or 4 years the gentre evolved nicely the music became synonymous with repetitive beat structure and sexually explicit lyrics (not too creative)...and damn Rachamim!!! All that explainin' for what? Ain't ya' tired of spewing English??? Indeed I am, so I will close on THAT note...and pick it up at my leisure...(this shower sucks)...

I feel the blah blah blues... not able to find, slightly feinding, and not sure of anything right now. Life in Eastern Canada is a mixed blessing, but sometimes, a trip to vancouver would be like visiting an exotic paradise compared to here.

i'm alive and well all. i know you misses me

I've a keen interest in understanding this disorder, as I once fell in love with a person that meets all of the criteria listed here.

My Life Story
December 10th, 2005

Today after doing 2-3 grams of shitty coke, I've had a huge look at my life. What has my life come to? Am I 14 and up at 6 AM under the influence of cocaine? Is this really what my life has come to? Well some say I am a good writer for my age, I don't know, you tell me. This story is basically of my life, I don't really know what else to say, I guess it is somewhat interesting. Right now I am 14, and currently go to an all boys apiscaple private school, and due to being held back in Kindergarden, I am also in 8th grade. It feels so wierd, I never though I would be doing coke or ecstacy. I always told myself when I was 11/12, smoking ciggarettes and doing drugs are stupid. Well I soon realized that most of it was over-hyped, but drugs definately control my life. I started questioning my lifestyle after a family therapy session at my addiction center. In the car on the way back my mom asked me if I liked my dad at all and I basically said no, she then basically found out that I don't like her. I don't really have any good reasons for not liking her, except for the fact that our ideas are like night and day...

When I was born my mom and dad had lived in Fairfax, VA. We lived in a small townhouse in the suburbs. When I was 3 we moved to a medium sized house in the suburbs in Columbia, MD. I basically lived a suburbia life. I went to private school and my parents both worked so my mom hired “nannys” who would come from Germany and live with us and learn English and what not. I lived the perfect life as a kid, everything was moderated and video games were only allowed on weekends. I played baseball(Although I did not enjoy it very much), basketball, soccer, lacrosse(Started in like 5th grade), karate, and other small things. Went to a local private school and ended up going to a grade between Kindergarden and 1st grade, “Pre-1st”. All the kids were 6 months-2 years younger than me, and I didn’t mind it until 5th grade, when I was so desperate to enter middle school. I ending up meeting a bunch of girls at a pool party during 5th grade summer break. I was young and stupid, and ended up getting a phone number and gave out my SN. I called the girl and her friend asked me to ask her out, in which I did. Relationship lasted like a week, she was atleast 2 years older than me, and I was pretty immature
About 5 days later I started talking to this girl named Tarah online. She ended up asking me out after 2 days or so, and I said yes, as I was stupid, but it ended up being one of the best decisions of my life. About a year later, I realized that when she first asked me out it was a joke, but I didn’t mind. We ended up going out for 10 months, and then since we were both idiots and posers, and she was suicidal, I got tired of her and dumped her. We hated eachother for a month, and then just became neutral. Around May, 6 months ago, we both were at the HFStival. This was the second year of this festival, and it is notorious for being a huge fucking concert. We ended up hanging out near the last 4-5 hours of the concert, and there was a strange attraction. Well I ended up taking a cab to her house for the first time. We ended up kissing and had “dry sex”. About a month ago she realized that she HAD A BOYFRIEND! Haha I just laughed looking back on that, that relationship was abusive anyways.

When I was 12, I never even considered that i would do drugs. Basically media bullshit and exageration had steered me away. Our family went from lower class to basically rich, and once we had moved into our new, fucking huge house, it ended up burning down. I was 12 and just loved playing video games, some sports, and chilling with friends.Me and my friends were playing with fire and gasoline on the driveway(Most stupid shit ever), and after we were done, we poured water over it to put it out. We lit a cardboard box on fire earlier and I didn't want my mom to see it, so I put it back in the pile of boxes in the garage cause I thought it was out. For a second i thought, hey this could be a bad idea, but I was an idiot. Must've been a small spark or something, but one thing comes to another and we all go outside to play with fire agian and we see people who were working on the lawn desperately trying to get the hose to work. Me and my friends desperately called the police and our parents, only words besides that that came out of our mouths were "HOLY SHIT OMG FUCK FUCK FUCK"

Ended up moving into a condo in a huge community that was pretty wealthy, insurance ended up taking about a year to fill out. My parents were constantly depressed for a few months, but were glad that we were okay. A lot of our family's friends gave us clothes and the people at my dad's work even bought us an xbox(Haha I know how stupid that sounds). About 2 weeks after living in the condo(Wasn't too bad, a lot of familuies gave us necesities, i still laugh that they bought us a freaking xbox), my friend Brittany was going out with a kid named Matt. I ended up going to the movies with them and talking to Matt online, who was the first stoner I had ever talked to. I just couldn't comprehend drugs and smoking at that age. But about 2 weeks later he offered me a ciggarette and then about 2 more weeks later he offered me to smoke bud with him. He was smoking out of a coke bottle(haha) and he asked me if I wanted to. I thought for a while and asked how it affected him long term and if his grades dropped, which he said not many long term effects and his grades dropped from Bs to Cs. I later realized that they dropped due to lack of motivation, which he has none now and is failing. Ended up probably not inhaling right or just shitty weed cause he was 13 or 14 at the time and didn’t know much. I ended up smoking bud 2-3 more times that year cause I had no hookup and wasn’t too concerned, I don’t really know what I did during that period. I smoked cigs for like 3-4 months while I lived there.

So around the beginning of the Summer I ended up moving into a new neighborhood in a middle class community, it was huge. Although my neighborhood was very small and consisted of 5 small-medium sized houses all with children 1-9 years old. Life was pretty good, I was in 7th grade and hung out with kids that were a year younger. I ended up just hanging out at the mall and making sure I looked cool and snowboarding a lot. Around January I ended up smoking again, I don’t remember really how I ended up randomly starting, but I did. Ended up getting 5 grams from a guy that my friend knew had dealt with it, which now I laugh about, and it was probably middies. He talked a lot and said we should chill again and what not, but I knew my parents wouldn’t let me chill with someone who is 15 and just looked like a stoner. I ended up getting his phone number. I usually would smoke with my old best friend Taylor, who I now am not very fond of. He went from being this somewhat chubby punk/chill kid to a prep who only cares about how many girls he can score. In fact, the first time I was caught was because he told his mom that he had smoked when she said she was going to piss test him. Anyways, she piss tested him after he asked and IT FUCKING CAME OUT NEGATIVE.. She called my mom after he confessed and my mom took my 1.5 O stash and my bowl(). Ended up getting really pissed and started stealing money to buy bud.


From then on, I pretty much just started smoking on weekends, and didn’t start smoking heavily till the Summer, in which only lasted 2 months.

Really, I just fucking hate my life. I became a steady stoner about a year ago and started smoking everyday like twice or 3 times. Being stupid and smoking in public late at night ended up kicking me in the ass. About 5 months ago in July I thought a car was coming up and just said, it's fucking 1 AM, if it is anyone, they would probably be chill. By the way, I was at a public pool that I would smoke at a lot during the school year with my friends, usually no one there.

Yeah so basically i got caught with 2 grams of some dank bud and my bong(haha carried it around in my backpack) My mom and dad had already got me twice with weed, I knew I was fucked and got teary-eyed just thinking about how much they will hate me. My dad ended up screaming and hitting me, although i am a few inches bigger and justp ushed him back and went up to my room. Some tough times over the next few months, horribly depressed. About 2 weeks later we got a letter in the mail saying what I had to do. My parents had enroleld me in the state addiction center because they knew that it wuold be required.

Around a month or two into drug counciling, I was looking for a new high. I could not smoke because of drug tests(Although later I realized that they were every 3 weeks and i could smoke occasionally).

Ended up scoring 2 awesome Red Superman pills, rolled the hardest I have ever rolled off of one and a half. Good pills ended up only being around for a month, I wish I would have had a lot of money to buy a stash. ATM all the pills are trash. But anyways, one thing leads to another, and I ended up trying crack(Not my thing, can't tell if im fucked up), coke, and then shrooms. I was caught the day before Thanksgiving tripping with my somewhat shady, yet deep friend in my basement on shrooms. Horrible trip cause I had to worry about getting caught as it was like 8 PM and my mom was upstairs with friends. No serious consequences from that, got out lucky.

But lately I've been somewhat sad and have had huge lookbacks on my life. What do I fucking live for? I realized that the only times I am happy is when I am fucked up, with my girlfriend, and sleeping. I mean I like video games, but they get boring. I also stopped practicing guitar 2 weeks ago because I lost motivation. Weed definitely made me lose all motivation and I was convinced that I would just not go to college and work minimal wage while dealing on the side.

I'm writing this tonight for tomorrow's post. I won't write anything tomorrow. I have mid terms all day. On a Saturday. It's a great week. Been studying all night, about to go to bed. Enough status update.

My boss is the owner of the business for which I work. He's a big guy, about 6'5" and 275 pounds. He has two fake knees. Allen has a wife and two young daughters. They both have blonde hair. The older one looks just like her Dad in the face.

Allen used to party a lot. My brother is old enough to have caught some of Allen's later days in the life. He was a cocaine dealer and got busted some time around his 30th birthday. Of course that's done with. He's saved by the lord Jesus Christ. So now it's like all that's over with and washed away by religion. How does that make you feel? I don't think there's a problem with Allen selling some coke but don't act all republican and high and mighty about drugs and crime when you partook in the past.

The whole world is probably full of hypocrites. Not saying he's that bad about it really though. I don't get drug tested. I never was for getting hired. It's great and why I can't leave my job for anything right now. Nah, Allen's cool really. It's just sad to see his life now. You can tell he wants to get out and smoke a joint. He'd love to nod all night on some oxycontin. But he's really involved with the community and his church. His wife is the #1 influence in his life, herself a devout evangelical Baptist christian woman.

I wonder if people only really change by burying or covering shit up really deep. My deepest sadness goes out to those in these situations. I'm glad I have a boss that's at least an interesting, forthright person. This was his portrait to some degree, minus much about his physical attributes and age.

This part's about me (about time i got to that):

It feels bad to be honest about this man though. There are things I hate about him sometimes. And I wonder if that's b/c he's my boss and I just always automatically disrespect forms of authority. When we're working and just talking, he's cool as shit. You know, he talks about the old days and about getting fucked up. Not just drug stuff, you can just tell he's not that bad just shooting the shit.

But he has to hide that side of himself to portray his public and family image especially around certain people. There are certain customers that he has to really act "right" for when they come in. I believe they attend church with him. You can tell a real difference when he's around his brother. Allen can't be "fake" when his brother's around, Gerry wouldn't allow it.

I'm around this man every day almost. I spend more time with this man than anyone in my life other than my significant other. It's hard not to analyze people when you're constantly by them.

As of the past week or 2 ive been having pretty wild mood swings. I can't contribute them to any cause other then boredom so it looks like my meds arent working. I feel on the verge of frenzy sometimes for days and the only thing that really helps it is weed or opiates sometimes both . The anti-psychotics only do so much. I have risperidone, olanzapine and seroquel on hand but im only supposed to be taking risperdal and zyprexa zydis for emergencies.

These manic episodes are often followed or preceded by horrible bouts of depression that last for a fair bit of time. Either that or i get mixed states which are psychological torture. So i have been getting all sorts of symptoms of bipolar lately.

I took 100mg's of seroquel today in a effort to sleep because i was so damn edgy i was about to jump out of my skin but all it did was give me a hour and a half sleep and bad restless leg syndrome when i woke up. I havent taken seroquel in ages so it should have put me to sleep longer then that. Hell i don't even feel drowsy waking up from it. I took 10mg's of zyprexa zydis today and 100mg's of seroquel so by all good right i should be knocked out for the day. But im not im not even tired or the least bit drowsy. The zyprexa does help to calm down the worst of the mania but if im really bad it takes 15-20mg's to calm me down as opposed to the 10mg's my psych tells me to take. The clonazepam helps too especially taken with zyprexa.

I have had alot of feeling of self harm during this peroid of time but i havent followed through with them thank god. Atleast not yet. I work out with weights everyday, do almost 200 stomach cruches everyday and run on the tredmill for atleast half a hour. This should tire me out but it does not do that in the least. After that i clean the house. I guess thats the positive side to all this but i feel like a tweaker without having to take any amphetamines.

My psychiatrist will be getting abit of a telling off the next time i see her. I want to give lithium a try wheather she thinks it's good for the type of bipolar i have or not. I have bipolar NOS (because i don't fit neatly into any specific DSM catagory) with some psychotic features. I don't want to try epival again (divalproex aka sodium valproate aka valproate) because it didnt help much last time and it made the depression side worse. But then again my psychiatrist at the time was a stuck up twat who didnt believe i had bipolar and ended up diagnosing me as having narcissistic personality disorder instead .Fucking bitch that she is.

She took me off the epival and the seroquel the latter of which was atleast helping my depression and even wanted to try me on citalopram instead of bupropion which works fine for me without any side effects. She didnt care that the citalopram probably woulda drove me completely batshit manic crazy. Atleast i have a psych now that atleast believes i have bipolar disorder. Now if i could only get her to help me get my moods under control again.

Well thats life you have to live with it like it or not. I no longer really get worked up about such things that i have no control over but this can be helped and thats whats pissing me off abit.

Well thats life you have to live with it like it or not.

Manic depression is a frustrating mess
- Jimi Hendrix

On April 28th, 2010 I was 101.2Lbs.
Today, May 5th, 2010 I am 106.8Lbs

I have gained 5.6Lbs in ONE week! I am fucking excited

I am skeptical though, as my weight usually goes up when we have alot of food and goes back down when we have very little. I am worried that in a week or two when our supply diminishes that my weight will go back down to 102lbs again.

I haven't gained weight this fast and that much since I was pregnant with my kids.

Damn, I feel good now.

Its an even better feat when you have COPD and burn half your calories during the day doing barely anything at all, and even more when active. So in turn I burn 3/4s of my calories each day but yet I have managed to gain 5.6Lbs in SEVEN DAYS!!

I walk 15.4KM+ a day on Tues, Wed, Thurs and walk 2.1KM Mon & Friday and on the weekend nil to 2.1KM.

So that;s about 19.7KM a week -- lets round it off to 20K a week just for easiness sake....

I burn just from my daily activities: 2,204cal

plus the cal's I burn just from having COPD i believe they say if half of what you intake each day.

Each day lately I drink 1-2bags of milk a day, I ate a box of cookies in 2 days, 6 eggs for brekkie, half pound of baccon for brekkie (but son ate half), nutella sandwich (2 a day), juice (2-4 glasses a day), baccon and BBQ sauce hamburger, 2 hotdogs, 2 chocolate puddings, and 2 timmies macadamian nut white chocolate cookies.

That's what I ate in 2 days, probably more but thats all I can recall. If you can figure out the calorie intake -- I would love if you could post.

I probably take in a good 2,000+ calories a day. If I take in 2Gs a day and lose 1,000 just from nothing cause of COPD. Then I am in the minus factor which isnt good....so I must be eating more in the 3,000 range which is also bad but hey I have to eat more than I piss off in a day.

I am just extatic that I am back up to 106.8Lbs -- so only 2Lbs to go before I am back to my pre-PV and pills binge last fall.

YAY!! **happy dance**

....and i did it unaided by sumpliments this time, NO ENSURE to pack on the pounds!!

Finally got something worth my time... now if only this was steady.

What is on your bed right now? Sheets, pillows, down comforter

When was the last time you threw up? About 2 weeks ago, from stress.

What's your favorite word or phrase? FAIL

Name 3 people who made you smile today? My agent, rangrz, and my aunt.

What were you doing at 8 am this morning? I was on the can. TMI, I know.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? A typing test.

What is your favorite holiday? Memorial Day b/c of the long weekend and beginning of summertime.

Have you ever been to another country? Yes, not as many as I'd like.

What is the last thing you said aloud? "Thank you!" (Aren't I polite?)

What is the best ice cream flavour? Coconut Bliss, original coconut. Heaven in a pint.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Iced latte with almond milk.

What are you wearing right now? Blue fleecie and hospital scrubs, lulz.

What was the last thing you ate? BBQ chicken and wild rice.

Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Nope.

When was the last time you ran? Yesterday, chasing a St. Bernard, with a bathing suit on, lol.

What's the last sporting event you watched? I watched the Sabres lose to Boston last week.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? See avatar!

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message? My dad.

Ever go camping? Yes, and love it.

Do you have a tan? Nope, pasty white girl here.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? My dinner.

What is your guilty pleasure? Perfume, high-end coffees and teas, hair products.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer? Sure.

Do you drink your soda from a straw? Almost always.

What did your last text message say? "Did you send me the 2-day fedex?

Are you someone's best friend? Yes, and he is mine.

What are you doing tomorrow? Fighting off a hangover most likely; it's Cinco de Drinko!

Where is your mum right now? In heaven, I hope.

Look to your left, what do you see? A red couch, end table, and lamp.

What colour is your watch? Stainless steel w/black face.

What do you think of when you think of Australia? My Bluelight friends that live there, and dingos eating babies.

Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Oh yeah.

What is your birthstone? Diamond.

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Neither, I avoid that crap.

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? I no longer use myspace.

Do you have a dog? No, but presently staying w/2 St. Bernards. They're sweet doggies.

Last person you talked to on the phone? rangrz

Any plans today? Yes, going to partay for Cinco de Drinko with a lovely new BL friend!

Are you happy? I would be if things were a little more settled for me.

Where are you right now? Bonus room.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Where would I begin?

Last song listened to? Jimmy Buffett - Tequila Sunrise

Last movie you saw? The Education

Are you allergic to anything? HAHA, practically everything, including some recreational stuff.

Favourite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Black flats or brown studded boots.

Are you jealous of anyone? Not really at the moment.

Are you married? No, but someday.

Is anyone jealous of you? I'd really hope not.

Do any of your friends have children? About 1/2.

Do you eat healthy? Yes, but I naturally have a low appetite.

What do you usually do during the day? Some balance between work and play.

Do you hate anyone right now? Hate is too strong a word; there are some people I dislike.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Yes, it's how I answer the phone.

How many kids do you want when you're older? 0 or 2.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 31!

Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes, in Texas.

How did you get one of your scars? Skiing accident (scar on right leg) - first and last attempt.

I pretty much have fuck all to write about. All i do lately is wake up work out het stoned and high and maybe go out for abit. Thats my fucking boring life. Also im as poor as a church mouse right about now.

So being broke and bummed out is kinda my life now. Hence why im drinking a beer at 1:00PM. Theres nothing else to do. The gloomy weather tends to bring me down as well. Fog, rain, drizzle. No sunshine. So everyday has that grey worn out look. It's hard to describe that part and may be the result of too many drugs.