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Today is Sunday, May, 23rd, 2010 and it is now 1233 PM here in Cebu, Philippines.

To get from my last post, to this post: I landed in Manila and after catching my breath I had boarded a ferry south to Mindanao, a 1.5 day journey, as Jackie waited nervously for me to come pick her up after running away from home.

300 km into a 1200 km cruise I learned that her ex had tracked her down, narrowly missing her as she crept out a side exit and with the help of a friendly (or so we thought) stranger, made her way to a bus terminal, with very little money and having nowhere to go anyway...

I arrived, made my way to her and we had just grabbed each other with all the emotion one could possibly imagine.

So we quickly go and rent a decent room to get a day or two to rest from that tension. She was not really too keen on that idea, wanting to get off the island, post-haste so after resting for 4 hours, we went to Nasapit, a town right outside of Butuan that serves as its ferry port. Having nowhere to go, I decided that even though it could possibly cause major drama of its own, we would go to Cebu for a week or 2 in a posh beach resort I love ( Elsalvador [sic], on the border of Compostela and Danao, drama because of ex-wife Rizza).

It is basically an overnight ride but I rented us a fully private cabin, figuring we could use the privacy. Gawkers would be too much for her, and for me as well, with the current state of affairs.

Laying with her in my arms, I turned on my Sidekick to take care of some business emails, when I got an "Invite/Add-On" in my IM, from someone with Jackie's surname. Whoaaaaa....

I accepted, and was quickly informed that it was the eldest sister, the one who had created all this shit to begin with. Those that know me here on BL know that I have the utmost self discipline in conversation (and in most of my life). I can calmly discuss anything, even with spittle flying into my eyes from an insanely angry person. Hey, after all, I ran a "West Bank" Checkpoint in Israel hahahahaha...

She began very politely, highly civil. She told me how much the family was worried, it had been more than a week since Jackie left, and not a word. I assured her that Jackie was fine but that she was not willing to talk to her, or anyone for that matter though after a long while I truly hopes Jackie would feel differently. She asked me if I knew for sure whether-or-not Jackie was fine...

Rachamim: "Yes, I am 100% positive. After all, she's sleeping in my arms."

NOTE: Hahahahah, you could have heard a pin drop , as they say, even with it taking place in cyberspace.

Sister: "Jackie is with you?"

R: "Of course, she is fine. Please do not worry.

S: "We are all very worried. She left her SON and daughters and abandoned them...

NOTE: Notice the emphasis on the word "son" in that exchange? Jackie has 2 daughters, ages 5 and roughly 2. But son? Hmmmm..

Rachamim: "She left 2 notes, 1 for your parents, the 2nd for her girls, when they are older.

Sister: "What notes? There were no notes!"

R:" She said she is sure that she left them. Maybe your younger brother took them, maybe they fell off the table, who can say? In any event, she is leaving the girls for Muhammed (pseudonym of her ex) to take custody of.

S: "Sir (people in the Philippines, especially in the south, are extremely polite with the typical SE Asian obsession for "face," or image), she just abandoned her children. Her SON is only 11 months old!"

NOTE: By now, my heart is beating so heavy and I have total self control, but this is making me physically I'll. Still, I am very aware of what kind of head games might be trotted out to get me to abandon Jackie, so that she would have no choice but to return to them.

Still, I began getting irked..

Rachamim: Look, with all due respect, stop playing games. I didn't just meet your sister last week. I know she only has 2 kids and both are daughters. Now, do you have something else you wish to discuss.

S: "Sir, you just don't know what my sister did! She did not respect...!"

R: "NO!!! YOU and the rest of the family did not RESPECT!" Did you steal her phone? Her ID? Did you and everyone else try to force her to return to Muhammed (her ex)?"

S: " 'Return'? She never left him until she ran away with you!!!"

NOTE: Whoaaaaaaaaaaa

R: "Shame on you, telling such lies. She has been separated since being pregnant with Mariam (youngest daughter, born about 2 years ago).

S" "WHATTTTTTT? She has a son born in June, 2009! How she was separated and got pregnant????"

NOTE: This whole time Jackie is lying in my arms, and the room begin to spin for me...

I still can not get my mind around that. Where was a baby that was never crying, never in the background when we Cam to Cam? What about when I was there in December? August? August??????? If she had a baby in June...2 months old?

True, I hadn't seen her, before June, since 2008...but...

Damn my head was fucked up. See, I am trained to look for cues in interrogation, lapses, certain "tics." Cyberspace negates most of them but if a person types well and/or fast enough you can time their responses and this serves as a pertinent cue. Her response about the baby being born in June was virtually immediately, showing no premeditation. This is what sent me for a loop (she has also spat out his full name in the same "breath").

Sister: "So, how was Jackie 'separated'? They lived together, with their kids here in MY house."

To be continued...

(Edited for spelling)

Today is Saturday, May 22nd, 2010 and it is now 759 PM here in Cebu, Philippines.

As we resume our regular programme in progress, I had just arrived in Manila (Makati), because Jackie had unexpectedly "run away" from home (despite being 26). I was in the process of getting her from the hotel she was staying at.


The day after I arrived I went to the port and bought a roundtrip plus a 1 way ticket, for Manila to Cagayan del Oro on Mindanao, a 33 hour cruise for 1100 miles including the 3 stops that line makes. I initially tried flying down, to Cagyan's airport which is 75 km from the city but found that it is nearly impossible to get a flight at less than 2 weeks booking.

Butuan, 7 hours by auto from Cagayan del Oro had an open flight 4 days later but I figured that since the ferry would get me there in 2.5 days including the wait for departure, I should just take the time to get my bearings straight, my emotional compass as it were.

I sailed Economy, which as I have described in my BL Journal involves a berth in a bunkbed, aboard an open deck (since it is not the top deck there is a ceiling but no sides, you are open to to the elements. If it rains very hard they throw up very thin plastic tarps which keeps out some of the rain). As a white skinned foreigner I am always the centre of attention outside of Manila. In Economy? On an Asian ferry? I am like a Sasquatch or since it is Asia after all, maybe a Yeti hahahaah. People run and grab cameras to photograph me, they stare for hours and so on.

The ferry left at 730 PM. Jackie was having terrible signal problems with the Blackberry so I didn't expect to hear much from her until my arrival at Cagayan Port a day and half later.

At 1130 PM, thereabouts, I was awaken from a pleasant methadone nod to the beeping of my Sidekick (phone with full internet like a mini-laptop). Jackie came on, and here is an approximation of our conversation.:

The cast:

Rachamim aka "Raki"

Jackie

Muhammed (pseudonym for Jackie's ex)

Jackie: "Baby..."

Rachamim: "My love, you are in a cafe?"

J: "Yes, I am in a cafe. Baby, Muhammed is at the hotel!!!

R: Whatttttttttt????

J: "Yes! The Houseboy (male house cleaner/guy friday), a Gay [sic] took me here! I am so scared!"

R: "OK,OK, calm down baby, tell me slowly how you know he was there."

J: "I was in my room when the Gay came and softly told me that 2 men were at the front desk asking about me! He helped me to look at them from corner by mirror. I saw Muhammed from the rear, with another man I did not recognise. The other man was in camoflauge fatigues. Baby I am so nervous my body is shaking!"

NOTE: At this point, I was on an ocean going ferry that was just passing the island of Mindoro, off of Luzon, meaning that I was about 29 hours from where she is, as 2 armed men are nearly catching her.

Rachamim: "OK, baby, just listen to me, very carefully! Do you have your things with you?"

Jackie: "Not all, only some"

R: "Uh, OKkkkkkkkkkk, help me out here baby, WHAT do you have? Blackberry? Cash? ID? Clothes? What, WHAT?"

J: "Just my ID.

R: "Baby, I want you to have the Gay go back, VERY carefully, give him Muhammed's plate number (from his motorcycle, the most fommon form of transport in SE Asia). Have him casually find out what the clerk told them, if anything. Then have him ask for a refund on the days you stayed ( she refused to accept money from me and only had 1500 Pesos- 23 US. Budgeting carefully she had paid 900 of it towards 3 nights and had 600 Pesos left-7.50 US). Then tell me what he says. I will be offline for a couple of minutes as I call some people near you. I will be back on shortly. In the meantime I want you looking towards the entrance. If he comes in scream as loud as you can."

J: "But baby he has his 45 (pistol), Im sure!"

R: "My love. He is not a killer. He is a punk, stop worrying, just do as I say! Do you understand me baby?"

J: "Yes, I do."

R; "OK, I will be back on in a couples of minutes ."

NOTE: I called 4 numbers, only was able to connect with 1, and only his wife was there. I asked her to have call me, it was an emergency.

Rachamim: "Baby, are you still here?"

Jackie: "Yes I am..."

R: "Tell me, what's going on..."

J: "The Gay is back but he says they can't refund the money. I have my money from what I had left in the room, 1200 Pesos (more than I had thought), my ID but Muhammed broke into the room and stole the Blackberrry and some of my clothes!!!"

NOTE: I knew right away he didn't do that, that the gay guy had robbed her, but she had enough stress on her pretty little head so I went with the flow.

Rachamim: "Baby girl materiel things do not matter. As long as you are safe, that is ALL I care about.

Jackie: "I am so scared, I do not know what to do."

R: "OK, this is what we will do. You will go to Agora (The main bus terminal in that city). You will take a Jeepney, NOT a bus, to Butuan. It is 200 Pesos, you will tell the man you want to be let off at Santos Hospital on Roxas. You will tell the guard you are waiting for your husband who is coming right away. The jeepney probablly won't leave until 4 AM, and you will get at Santos 11 AM or perhaps noon, with traffic. After an hour or so in the small waiting area, ask the guard where there is the closest net cafe, if he doesn't know, find any young girl, they will know. Then get on line and tell me what is what. OK mami?"

J: OK, I will tell you when I get to the nush station. I love you Daddy.

R: Be safe little girl, be very safe.Take a taxi to Agora, but have the Gay stand with you when you get in, this way the taxista (taxi driver) knows someone withnessed you getting in, this is very important, so you hear me?"

J: "Yes, I will. I love you so much!"

R: "OK baby, but I love you more."

To say that I was stressed like crazy is to not even come close to the feeling I had. I did finally get in touch with my friend who unfortunately was in Gen San (General Santos City, the opposite side of the island, about 18 hours by auto ). This means he couldn't do anything more than I could. I COULD ask someone from San Franz (a.k.a. san Francisco, Rizza's hometown and the town I have lived in since 2007) but that would be insane.

In the end I had her go to a cheap but safe hotel that I knew of, for 1 night and she had the equivalent of 1.25 US the next morning, at 12 PM she would officialy be homeless and hungry.

Mindanao has no "soup kitchens," "food banks," any social welfare net of any kind, public or private. Like most nations in the Developing World ("3rd World"), you could be dying of a heart attack on the floor of the ER and noone will help unless you can pay cash.

When the ferry landed I paid a taxi to take me straight to the airport a 2 hour drive. I chartered a copter for 300 US to get me there in 20 minutes, as opposed to the 7 to 10 hours by auto.

Landing at Butuan Airport, about 6 km from where Jackie was, I took a taxi into town, and saw her standing next to a barber shoppe. Taking her in my arms for a priceless moment...

Sadly, it soon turned into a nightmare, but that is getting a bit ahead of myself...


(Edited for spelling)

Happy Birthday Handsome Guy

Today is Saturday, May 15th, 2010 and it is now 1246 AM here in Makati, Philippines.

I left 1155 PM Wednesday, May 12th, from JFK, to Tapei, Taiwan with a hop in Anchorage for a re-fuel and cleaning. Got to Taiwan 7AM Friday morning with the dateline crossing and time difference. In reality a 22 hour haul with the hop.

In Tapei, the usual nervousness carrying Methadone but there is no Customs to go through, merely another Security Screening and Taiwan, like America, does not have the most attentive rent-a-cops.

Schedualed for 140 PM to Manila, as usual talked my way onto an earlier jumper and got into Manila in time for an early lunch.I have learned that a kind word and gentle smile wil get you bumped up past the "whiners" and "demanders" who stomp their feet and demand a stand-by seat. More often-than-not it also gets me bumped up to Business Class which I just love (especially on Cathay). This time I took China Air, 2200 US on a RT. I almost always buy 1 Way and print up a dummy itinerrary to make it past Check In and Customs/Immigration.

Airlines are liable if you are denied entry at a destination. If I am denied for only having a 1 Way, its a couple of thousand US PLUS the return fare so almost always they want proof of ongoing travel OR Return fare, the latter being far simpler.

Since I bought only 72 hours ahead of travel I was going to pay a lot regardless so it actually was less espensive this time for RT, and I can always sell the ticket, or use it as a credit.

I am finally getting a chance to enjoy this condo. Rada Regency Condiminiums is considered uber-posh in this nation. The late "Xtcxtc," a BLer and patron of the site (as in its sole financial support) had a duplex penthouse here, which is how I found my condo.

His was spectacular and his parties were to die for. Mine? A concerete box without appliances but my rent (I sub-let as I said) is less than 300 US, for a luxury building that was, until 3 years ago, the tallest in the Philippiones. Pool on the roof is great but I haven't has time to use it.

I am waiting for a flight in the AM down to Mindanao, and pick up my baby.Because people can create problems with my honesty, as I said in a recent entry, I will save the discussion of details on that until AFTER the fact.

For now my baby is in a hotel, her 1st time. Sadly, like most hotels here it has no TV, though it does have a "Comfort Room" (local lingo for "bathroom") which is so rare. Paying about 6 US per day, not bad.

She has never flown so I am not sure which conveyance we will use to get back here. Makati is part of Metro Manila (a separate city but part of the urban bloc), and sits on the largest Philippine island, Luzon. Luzon is more than 900 kilometers north of Mindanao.

The one big change has been an increase of Jews in Makati! Since the end of WWII there have always been about 300 of us, and almost all of us living here in Makati, in my district of San Jose Village or else Salcedo Villlage which is home to the Israeli Embassy and the only synagouge in the country.


Syrian-Jews like my family are very nomadic. We have our own small communities within the larger Jewish Communities in almost every Asian locale that has Jewish residents.The synagouge here was funded partly (50%) by my Clan, Dwek. I am now the only full time Dwek in the country though 3 cousins live here part time.

There is finally a Chabad House here in Makati. "CHABAD" is a Chassidic (Hassidic) movement that seeks to motivate unreligious Jews to return to the fold. "Chabad Houses" can be found worldwide. A Chbad rabbi, his wife and children set up a residence that acts as a home away from home to Jews travelling. In Bangkok I am always hanging out there for the food...but until now there weren't enough Jews here to warrant one. That is also good because Jackie wants to convert.

Speaking of Jackie...Jackie has been here, once, for her eldest brother's military honours ceremony after he was killed. At that time they came by ferry though dependants can hitch free rides on C-130s (huge transport planes). It is always standby. I wonder how she will adjust to a much different lifestyle here.

The weather here is hot as hell, as always, and Mindanao just has another small earthquake (has a couple a week). The Election violence has calmed down but there is still talk of a coup so...If there is, we may be stuck down south.

I am sure her family, most of all her ex, have flipped out by now.

Will cut it short on that note...

Saturday night, so many people I really should see, but I'm staying home alone with 700mg codeine, a 6 pack of draught and all my newspapers, and I couldn't be happier

please note: internet self-diagnosis is about as productive as masturbation, and that is seemingly what i'm doing in this entry.

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

ENTP - 33% Extraverted 50% Intuitive 62% Thinking 33% Perceiving

Qualitative analysis of your type formula:

• moderately expressed extravert – Extraversion preferred to Introversion: ENTPs often feel motivated by their interaction with people. They tend to enjoy a wide circle of acquaintances, and they gain energy in social situations (whereas introverts expend energy).
  
  
• moderately expressed intuitive personality – iNtuition preferred to Sensing: ENTPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
  
  
• distinctively expressed thinking personality – Thinking preferred to Feeling: ENTPs tend to value objective criteria above personal preference. When making decisions, they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
  
  
• moderately expressed perceiving personality – Perception preferred to Judgment: ENTPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.

Myers-Briggs Description

Attachment Type

Insecure attachment

• Dismissive-avoidant attachment - People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: "I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me." People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).

Defense Mechanisms

Level 1 - Pathological

• Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.

Level 2 - Immature

• Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination.

Level 3 - Neurotic

• Displacement: Defence mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.

• Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.

• Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.

Level 4 - Mature

• Humour: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to "call a spade a spade", while "wit" is a form of displacement (see above under Level 3). Wit refers to the serious or distressing in a humorous way, rather than disarming it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are "skirted round" by witticism.

• Thought suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions while accepting them.

Coping Strategies

• Moving With - These are the strategies in which psychologically healthy people develop relationships. It involves compromise. In order to move with, there must be communication, agreement, disagreement, compromise, and decisions.

• Moving Away - The individual distances themselves from anyone perceived as a threat to avoid getting hurt. The argument is, “If I do not let anyone close to me, I won’t get hurt.” A neurotic, according to Horney desires to be distant because of being abused. These Moving Away people fight personality, so they often come across as cold or shallow. This is their strategy. They emotionally remove themselves from society.

I have a new screen name. It's sadiemae.
I'll still get on this one every once in a while. Just not as much.
xoxox

SO,
I haven't been on very much b/c my ex boyfriend reads/stalks everything I do on here. Ironically, I neglected to tell him I have a facebook account so that account is technically more private than my bluelight account now
Anyway, my almost-boyfriend K and I have been getting along swimmingly. Although he still maintains that he is "not looking for a girlfriend," he admits that he IS interested in me, and spends more time with me than anyone else, and wants to get to know me more than anyone else. There's no one else on his mind.
He ALSO said that MY pussy was the best looking, tasting, and feeling he's ever experienced! :D
Last night we took a drive on the Parkway (scenic highway nearby) because I had a horrible day at work and he wanted to cheer me up. OMG! What an amazing night! He does things to me that no one else has ever done! Wow. His lips.. His eyes.. The way he responds to my touch in just the right way every time. It's like fate or deja vu. I can't even describe it; when we are together it is just... right.
I don't knjow how graphic I'm allowed to be in blogs but last night there were several firsts for us.
It was amazing.
Just.
Amazing.

A friend was making some delicious edibles yesterday...

I was in charge of the tincture.

in a pinch I forgot to grab my gloves and rung out the cloth of mash and everclear.

Yeah I overdosed... its 24 hours later and I am a haze of retardedness.

So all you silly kids out there making stuff... remember to wear gloves because I feel like the Albert of Cannabis.

it's been so long for me to be away from a computer. i've filled an inch thick notebook in under two weeks.
half the things i wish i could let spill out here i'm too scared to write. what if the wrong person reads it? when is that going to be over with?!
i can say that after over a year of wondering why and wishing there was something anything left behind by my husband, even if it was that he hated me. just something in his hand writing. my mother to me there is/was a note to me and to boot a poem. my half ex-sister has a copy, has had it. they all knew. now i'm waiting. and waiting. watching my phone pleading for the coroner to call and tell me they found the letter and i have have a copy after 16 months of wondering i'll know...prolly nothing but more tears. i'm still on the edge of my seat.

any questions?

I just walked my dogs,
through the well-dressed trees.
where met a man of sorts,
who made me hide with in the leaves.
Louse he seemed.
In a bright red coat he walked the path,
With a colossal brute upon his knee.
Its deep grey fur,
well, it wobbled and loomed,
Swaying majestically.
This brute moved however he please
Like a wolf, of sorts, so you think.
But no,
No,
It is not a wolf,
a bear, a brute.
It’s a dog, a chow.
Buddy by name.
A fluffy ball,
Lovable and tame.

I kno u dont have to it still gets u high but is it better if u remove the filter

Well,I've done the seeds b4,and also HBW seeds which I prefer.Anyway, SWIM extracted the morning glory seeds with 91%ISO,then left out to dry.These seeds were store bought and were washed clean.Is there anyway to disslove the leftover gunk,and then get out all the ''nasty'' stuff?

The document

America: The land of the free
America: The land of "our cities smell like pee"

America: The land of the people, by the people, for the people
America: The land of kill for our steeples, molest for our steeples, and SELL(plus tax) for our steeples

America: No child left behind
America: No child not asked to keep the army in mind

America: Where our ballots your free to choose the difference
America: Where our ballots your free but can you make out a difference?

America: Where we pride our freedom of speech
America: Where our pledge is what our schools teach

Wham Fam Jam

WHAM TO THA JAM
TIME FOR A PLAN
TO STOP THE KILLER CLAN
BY CLAN I MEAN THE MAN

I WILL WALK MANY MOONS
TO MEET THE SHAMAN
FORSEEN VISIONS OF BIN LADEN
ON THE HUMP OF A LAMA
IN THE DISTANCE STANDS OBAMA

FOR THOSE I LABEL BLIND
DONT REALIZE THEY HAVE WASHED MINDS
SOCIALISM AND FEMA PRISONS
CANDY COATED FACIST DECISONS
so called patriots, trust in them
DIE FOR OUR SOIL, OR DIE FOR MORE OIL
I swear that the news makes my skin boil
GATHER OUR MINUTE MEN!! forget your sit ins
TIME TO DROP OUR FLOWERS AND PICKETS
FOR OUR LEADERS ASSES WE SHALL STICK IT

Ill post the rest after a bit just stoked a bit bout this lil shit.

I call it..

Malice in SpunionLand

The story begins with just 3 friends
close like brothers, defend each as blood of own mother
Each insane in their own way, each count down for today.
The camping trip to defy them all..
The camping trip to raise our spirit tall...
The trip when camping is always your call....

One taste, two dips, now the tri-fecta
never hurts to enhance your vision spectra.

Our nomadic home now already built,
Recycled waste to prevent our own guilt.

We gather by our fire, a symbolic life source
its obvious now our choices earlier have set course
now the kind smoke in our lungs we force.

Before we begin our legends to tell,
Then a steel to a 10" begin to swell...

This rubber container replaces my breathe,
simulating death, at least to the rest.

Amnesia and strong body tremors..
I crawl from this hole, Ah now I remember!!
My brain like mush from a blender,
This story's morals may surrender

An experienced confession or a real life lesson

Follow your path with worry and your path becomes blurry
Hakuna Matata- "There are no worries"
So cleanse your mind of all impurities

Stay strong as you follow your path and your path shall grow long, (longer than that annoying "never-ending-song")

Send your head on real journeys
The line for this ride need no currency
It only requires unique endurance you see?
We CHOOSE to live wild and FREE

So come , we welcome all. claim the camp before the land beneath us.
For living free must be high demand to us creatures,
but not to those who fear "The jesus"

so it's been week three i assume that i've been ''couch surfing'', since i've been here i've done more dilaudid and smoked more crack more then my life time, and thats a lot of crack.
on the real side, when i first got here i was at bottom zero or rock bottom, i was playing my guitar in 5points b'ham south (music and bars side of town) not the best place in the world because tons of homeless people stay around here and pan handle like fucking crazy, i think just walking around 5points south ur going to be asked for a dollar maybe three times, if not more. they are going right to the crack house down the street to spend the money.
so i'm in 5 points playing my guitar for beer $ and i'm guessing around 8pm or so my friend saw me all scruffy and with my guitar in onehand and skateboard in the other, asked if i wanted to crash with him. i was still working my job at arby's when we met, so when i ''moved-in'' with him he took me to work n shit. we went to a AA meeting that night, and went back to his place. he said he didn't have any power, just running water. so it gets kinda dark at night.
on day 2 he came home(his aprtment) with some dilaudid aka k4's. he was in his room talking n shit and sorta hinted that he had something, dilaudid is my doc, so talking about that, not but 5mins after the talk he walked in his den and gave me a k4. and well since then it's been a everyday after 5pm thing.
3weeks fly by fast, i had some dental problems so i had to go and get a tooth pulled, and that scored me about 55x lortabs 7.5's. i eat those like candy, and well now that i'm out its been rough, i'm still in pain with my tooth. smoking crack doesn't seem to help the dental work any.
so the past few days been shitty, no dope just crack, and goddamn does that shit suck.
now it's day ? and well today beens productive, i went and put in a couple job apps at some local restraunts around here. so hopefully i'll hear a call back.
until then :

Okay it's official i seem to have the worst timing when it comes to everything! My fucking psychiatrist is gone on vacation and won't be back until the end of next fucking month . This comes at a time when ive just come back to reality this past few days or so after about 2 weeks of mania or mixed state mania. Before that i was just horribly depressed

So i asked my GP what to do about it and he increased my risperidone dose which is okay i guess. It's too bad i can't afford the 1 anti-psychotic that really helps me without any side effects which is zyprexa! No they won't cover that but if i got on 800mg's of seroquel they would cover that huge fucking cost but not 10mg's of zyprexa a day. Stupid fucking insurance goddamnit to fuck. Stupid fucking useless cunting bastards.

Also my shrink left no backup plan for her patients besides if you get bad go to the psych hospital. Oh thats just fucking great thanks alot doc 8) . Jeez i sure would love to go to that hospital that makes the one in the movie one flew over the cuckoos nest look really modern and nice. Not to mention the one time i was there i got turned away for not being bad enough even though i admitted being suicidal for fuck sakes. What more do they want me to come in with my wrists slashed! For fuck sakes the mental health care system in this province is beyond fucked.

Aye

Today is STILL Wednesday, May 12th, 2010 and it is now 709 PM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

So, when we talked Tuesday night NY Time, she told me all of this and shocked me into stupefied silence (trust me, that does not happen easily). As I told her, I could understand her running TO me, but running AWAY? As in just trying to forget EVERYTHING?

She apologised profoundly and said she had felt trapped. She promised that if she ever felt trapped again she run away and I would come for her.

I went to sleep. When I awoke this morning it was late afternoon in Mindanao. When her sister stole Jackie's phone Jackie turned around and stole her sister's Blackberry. She told me she was now in the mall buying a new SIM Card.

She then asked me if its OK if she doesn't go home, that she had brought clothes with her as well as her ID. I was shocked but I understood her reasoning and so I told her to wait while I found hotels near the mall and made the reservation. She said that she had already found one for about 6 US per evening, a fair amount for a room with private bathroom. I told her to check it for safety and if she felt safe, to pay for it.

So, today is her first full day living off base and I am making ready to join her. When I arrive we will go to Makati, outside Manila, where I am sub-letting a condominium.

She did leave the girls, along with the 2 notes and by now her family is ballistic but that is what we expected. Our life begins...

So, tomorrow it will be 14 days cigarette free.

I started the process on my first day at my new job. I really had no intention of quitting but knew that it would be impossible to satisfy my nicotine cravings while at work.

My solution was to wear a 21mg nicotine patch while at work, suck on a 4mg lozenge when I got edgy and simply smoke cigarettes on the drive to work, my 15 minute breaks and lunch. Immediately after work, I'd remove the patch and smoke the rest of the night.

This wasn't sitting right with me so I decided to just fucking quit. I've been wanting to for a while and made a few cold turkey attempts that only lasted two or three days.

I started back with the 21mg patch and no lozenges for the first week. The second week I've been on the 14mg patches with no lozenges. Monday, I'll be wearing half of a 14mg patch and keep lozenges nearby.

So far it has been rather easy with assistance from the patch. Yeah, I get irritable on occasion and I get cravings mostly in the morning when I switch patches.

The weird thing is that my complexion seemed to get fucked up for about a week. This confused me because I thought the skin was supposed to regain its health after quitting. I now realize that it must have simply been a sort of detoxification. To be honest, it may very well have been the standard poor self-image that made me think my face was all fucked up looking. I dunno, it seems okay today.

I'm looking forward to the day when I have ZERO nicotine in my system. That should be pretty decent!