Blogs

i'm alive and well all. i know you misses me

I've a keen interest in understanding this disorder, as I once fell in love with a person that meets all of the criteria listed here.

My Life Story
December 10th, 2005

Today after doing 2-3 grams of shitty coke, I've had a huge look at my life. What has my life come to? Am I 14 and up at 6 AM under the influence of cocaine? Is this really what my life has come to? Well some say I am a good writer for my age, I don't know, you tell me. This story is basically of my life, I don't really know what else to say, I guess it is somewhat interesting. Right now I am 14, and currently go to an all boys apiscaple private school, and due to being held back in Kindergarden, I am also in 8th grade. It feels so wierd, I never though I would be doing coke or ecstacy. I always told myself when I was 11/12, smoking ciggarettes and doing drugs are stupid. Well I soon realized that most of it was over-hyped, but drugs definately control my life. I started questioning my lifestyle after a family therapy session at my addiction center. In the car on the way back my mom asked me if I liked my dad at all and I basically said no, she then basically found out that I don't like her. I don't really have any good reasons for not liking her, except for the fact that our ideas are like night and day...

When I was born my mom and dad had lived in Fairfax, VA. We lived in a small townhouse in the suburbs. When I was 3 we moved to a medium sized house in the suburbs in Columbia, MD. I basically lived a suburbia life. I went to private school and my parents both worked so my mom hired “nannys” who would come from Germany and live with us and learn English and what not. I lived the perfect life as a kid, everything was moderated and video games were only allowed on weekends. I played baseball(Although I did not enjoy it very much), basketball, soccer, lacrosse(Started in like 5th grade), karate, and other small things. Went to a local private school and ended up going to a grade between Kindergarden and 1st grade, “Pre-1st”. All the kids were 6 months-2 years younger than me, and I didn’t mind it until 5th grade, when I was so desperate to enter middle school. I ending up meeting a bunch of girls at a pool party during 5th grade summer break. I was young and stupid, and ended up getting a phone number and gave out my SN. I called the girl and her friend asked me to ask her out, in which I did. Relationship lasted like a week, she was atleast 2 years older than me, and I was pretty immature
About 5 days later I started talking to this girl named Tarah online. She ended up asking me out after 2 days or so, and I said yes, as I was stupid, but it ended up being one of the best decisions of my life. About a year later, I realized that when she first asked me out it was a joke, but I didn’t mind. We ended up going out for 10 months, and then since we were both idiots and posers, and she was suicidal, I got tired of her and dumped her. We hated eachother for a month, and then just became neutral. Around May, 6 months ago, we both were at the HFStival. This was the second year of this festival, and it is notorious for being a huge fucking concert. We ended up hanging out near the last 4-5 hours of the concert, and there was a strange attraction. Well I ended up taking a cab to her house for the first time. We ended up kissing and had “dry sex”. About a month ago she realized that she HAD A BOYFRIEND! Haha I just laughed looking back on that, that relationship was abusive anyways.

When I was 12, I never even considered that i would do drugs. Basically media bullshit and exageration had steered me away. Our family went from lower class to basically rich, and once we had moved into our new, fucking huge house, it ended up burning down. I was 12 and just loved playing video games, some sports, and chilling with friends.Me and my friends were playing with fire and gasoline on the driveway(Most stupid shit ever), and after we were done, we poured water over it to put it out. We lit a cardboard box on fire earlier and I didn't want my mom to see it, so I put it back in the pile of boxes in the garage cause I thought it was out. For a second i thought, hey this could be a bad idea, but I was an idiot. Must've been a small spark or something, but one thing comes to another and we all go outside to play with fire agian and we see people who were working on the lawn desperately trying to get the hose to work. Me and my friends desperately called the police and our parents, only words besides that that came out of our mouths were "HOLY SHIT OMG FUCK FUCK FUCK"

Ended up moving into a condo in a huge community that was pretty wealthy, insurance ended up taking about a year to fill out. My parents were constantly depressed for a few months, but were glad that we were okay. A lot of our family's friends gave us clothes and the people at my dad's work even bought us an xbox(Haha I know how stupid that sounds). About 2 weeks after living in the condo(Wasn't too bad, a lot of familuies gave us necesities, i still laugh that they bought us a freaking xbox), my friend Brittany was going out with a kid named Matt. I ended up going to the movies with them and talking to Matt online, who was the first stoner I had ever talked to. I just couldn't comprehend drugs and smoking at that age. But about 2 weeks later he offered me a ciggarette and then about 2 more weeks later he offered me to smoke bud with him. He was smoking out of a coke bottle(haha) and he asked me if I wanted to. I thought for a while and asked how it affected him long term and if his grades dropped, which he said not many long term effects and his grades dropped from Bs to Cs. I later realized that they dropped due to lack of motivation, which he has none now and is failing. Ended up probably not inhaling right or just shitty weed cause he was 13 or 14 at the time and didn’t know much. I ended up smoking bud 2-3 more times that year cause I had no hookup and wasn’t too concerned, I don’t really know what I did during that period. I smoked cigs for like 3-4 months while I lived there.

So around the beginning of the Summer I ended up moving into a new neighborhood in a middle class community, it was huge. Although my neighborhood was very small and consisted of 5 small-medium sized houses all with children 1-9 years old. Life was pretty good, I was in 7th grade and hung out with kids that were a year younger. I ended up just hanging out at the mall and making sure I looked cool and snowboarding a lot. Around January I ended up smoking again, I don’t remember really how I ended up randomly starting, but I did. Ended up getting 5 grams from a guy that my friend knew had dealt with it, which now I laugh about, and it was probably middies. He talked a lot and said we should chill again and what not, but I knew my parents wouldn’t let me chill with someone who is 15 and just looked like a stoner. I ended up getting his phone number. I usually would smoke with my old best friend Taylor, who I now am not very fond of. He went from being this somewhat chubby punk/chill kid to a prep who only cares about how many girls he can score. In fact, the first time I was caught was because he told his mom that he had smoked when she said she was going to piss test him. Anyways, she piss tested him after he asked and IT FUCKING CAME OUT NEGATIVE.. She called my mom after he confessed and my mom took my 1.5 O stash and my bowl(). Ended up getting really pissed and started stealing money to buy bud.


From then on, I pretty much just started smoking on weekends, and didn’t start smoking heavily till the Summer, in which only lasted 2 months.

Really, I just fucking hate my life. I became a steady stoner about a year ago and started smoking everyday like twice or 3 times. Being stupid and smoking in public late at night ended up kicking me in the ass. About 5 months ago in July I thought a car was coming up and just said, it's fucking 1 AM, if it is anyone, they would probably be chill. By the way, I was at a public pool that I would smoke at a lot during the school year with my friends, usually no one there.

Yeah so basically i got caught with 2 grams of some dank bud and my bong(haha carried it around in my backpack) My mom and dad had already got me twice with weed, I knew I was fucked and got teary-eyed just thinking about how much they will hate me. My dad ended up screaming and hitting me, although i am a few inches bigger and justp ushed him back and went up to my room. Some tough times over the next few months, horribly depressed. About 2 weeks later we got a letter in the mail saying what I had to do. My parents had enroleld me in the state addiction center because they knew that it wuold be required.

Around a month or two into drug counciling, I was looking for a new high. I could not smoke because of drug tests(Although later I realized that they were every 3 weeks and i could smoke occasionally).

Ended up scoring 2 awesome Red Superman pills, rolled the hardest I have ever rolled off of one and a half. Good pills ended up only being around for a month, I wish I would have had a lot of money to buy a stash. ATM all the pills are trash. But anyways, one thing leads to another, and I ended up trying crack(Not my thing, can't tell if im fucked up), coke, and then shrooms. I was caught the day before Thanksgiving tripping with my somewhat shady, yet deep friend in my basement on shrooms. Horrible trip cause I had to worry about getting caught as it was like 8 PM and my mom was upstairs with friends. No serious consequences from that, got out lucky.

But lately I've been somewhat sad and have had huge lookbacks on my life. What do I fucking live for? I realized that the only times I am happy is when I am fucked up, with my girlfriend, and sleeping. I mean I like video games, but they get boring. I also stopped practicing guitar 2 weeks ago because I lost motivation. Weed definitely made me lose all motivation and I was convinced that I would just not go to college and work minimal wage while dealing on the side.

I'm writing this tonight for tomorrow's post. I won't write anything tomorrow. I have mid terms all day. On a Saturday. It's a great week. Been studying all night, about to go to bed. Enough status update.

My boss is the owner of the business for which I work. He's a big guy, about 6'5" and 275 pounds. He has two fake knees. Allen has a wife and two young daughters. They both have blonde hair. The older one looks just like her Dad in the face.

Allen used to party a lot. My brother is old enough to have caught some of Allen's later days in the life. He was a cocaine dealer and got busted some time around his 30th birthday. Of course that's done with. He's saved by the lord Jesus Christ. So now it's like all that's over with and washed away by religion. How does that make you feel? I don't think there's a problem with Allen selling some coke but don't act all republican and high and mighty about drugs and crime when you partook in the past.

The whole world is probably full of hypocrites. Not saying he's that bad about it really though. I don't get drug tested. I never was for getting hired. It's great and why I can't leave my job for anything right now. Nah, Allen's cool really. It's just sad to see his life now. You can tell he wants to get out and smoke a joint. He'd love to nod all night on some oxycontin. But he's really involved with the community and his church. His wife is the #1 influence in his life, herself a devout evangelical Baptist christian woman.

I wonder if people only really change by burying or covering shit up really deep. My deepest sadness goes out to those in these situations. I'm glad I have a boss that's at least an interesting, forthright person. This was his portrait to some degree, minus much about his physical attributes and age.

This part's about me (about time i got to that):

It feels bad to be honest about this man though. There are things I hate about him sometimes. And I wonder if that's b/c he's my boss and I just always automatically disrespect forms of authority. When we're working and just talking, he's cool as shit. You know, he talks about the old days and about getting fucked up. Not just drug stuff, you can just tell he's not that bad just shooting the shit.

But he has to hide that side of himself to portray his public and family image especially around certain people. There are certain customers that he has to really act "right" for when they come in. I believe they attend church with him. You can tell a real difference when he's around his brother. Allen can't be "fake" when his brother's around, Gerry wouldn't allow it.

I'm around this man every day almost. I spend more time with this man than anyone in my life other than my significant other. It's hard not to analyze people when you're constantly by them.

As of the past week or 2 ive been having pretty wild mood swings. I can't contribute them to any cause other then boredom so it looks like my meds arent working. I feel on the verge of frenzy sometimes for days and the only thing that really helps it is weed or opiates sometimes both . The anti-psychotics only do so much. I have risperidone, olanzapine and seroquel on hand but im only supposed to be taking risperdal and zyprexa zydis for emergencies.

These manic episodes are often followed or preceded by horrible bouts of depression that last for a fair bit of time. Either that or i get mixed states which are psychological torture. So i have been getting all sorts of symptoms of bipolar lately.

I took 100mg's of seroquel today in a effort to sleep because i was so damn edgy i was about to jump out of my skin but all it did was give me a hour and a half sleep and bad restless leg syndrome when i woke up. I havent taken seroquel in ages so it should have put me to sleep longer then that. Hell i don't even feel drowsy waking up from it. I took 10mg's of zyprexa zydis today and 100mg's of seroquel so by all good right i should be knocked out for the day. But im not im not even tired or the least bit drowsy. The zyprexa does help to calm down the worst of the mania but if im really bad it takes 15-20mg's to calm me down as opposed to the 10mg's my psych tells me to take. The clonazepam helps too especially taken with zyprexa.

I have had alot of feeling of self harm during this peroid of time but i havent followed through with them thank god. Atleast not yet. I work out with weights everyday, do almost 200 stomach cruches everyday and run on the tredmill for atleast half a hour. This should tire me out but it does not do that in the least. After that i clean the house. I guess thats the positive side to all this but i feel like a tweaker without having to take any amphetamines.

My psychiatrist will be getting abit of a telling off the next time i see her. I want to give lithium a try wheather she thinks it's good for the type of bipolar i have or not. I have bipolar NOS (because i don't fit neatly into any specific DSM catagory) with some psychotic features. I don't want to try epival again (divalproex aka sodium valproate aka valproate) because it didnt help much last time and it made the depression side worse. But then again my psychiatrist at the time was a stuck up twat who didnt believe i had bipolar and ended up diagnosing me as having narcissistic personality disorder instead .Fucking bitch that she is.

She took me off the epival and the seroquel the latter of which was atleast helping my depression and even wanted to try me on citalopram instead of bupropion which works fine for me without any side effects. She didnt care that the citalopram probably woulda drove me completely batshit manic crazy. Atleast i have a psych now that atleast believes i have bipolar disorder. Now if i could only get her to help me get my moods under control again.

Well thats life you have to live with it like it or not. I no longer really get worked up about such things that i have no control over but this can be helped and thats whats pissing me off abit.

Well thats life you have to live with it like it or not.

Manic depression is a frustrating mess
- Jimi Hendrix

On April 28th, 2010 I was 101.2Lbs.
Today, May 5th, 2010 I am 106.8Lbs

I have gained 5.6Lbs in ONE week! I am fucking excited

I am skeptical though, as my weight usually goes up when we have alot of food and goes back down when we have very little. I am worried that in a week or two when our supply diminishes that my weight will go back down to 102lbs again.

I haven't gained weight this fast and that much since I was pregnant with my kids.

Damn, I feel good now.

Its an even better feat when you have COPD and burn half your calories during the day doing barely anything at all, and even more when active. So in turn I burn 3/4s of my calories each day but yet I have managed to gain 5.6Lbs in SEVEN DAYS!!

I walk 15.4KM+ a day on Tues, Wed, Thurs and walk 2.1KM Mon & Friday and on the weekend nil to 2.1KM.

So that;s about 19.7KM a week -- lets round it off to 20K a week just for easiness sake....

I burn just from my daily activities: 2,204cal

plus the cal's I burn just from having COPD i believe they say if half of what you intake each day.

Each day lately I drink 1-2bags of milk a day, I ate a box of cookies in 2 days, 6 eggs for brekkie, half pound of baccon for brekkie (but son ate half), nutella sandwich (2 a day), juice (2-4 glasses a day), baccon and BBQ sauce hamburger, 2 hotdogs, 2 chocolate puddings, and 2 timmies macadamian nut white chocolate cookies.

That's what I ate in 2 days, probably more but thats all I can recall. If you can figure out the calorie intake -- I would love if you could post.

I probably take in a good 2,000+ calories a day. If I take in 2Gs a day and lose 1,000 just from nothing cause of COPD. Then I am in the minus factor which isnt good....so I must be eating more in the 3,000 range which is also bad but hey I have to eat more than I piss off in a day.

I am just extatic that I am back up to 106.8Lbs -- so only 2Lbs to go before I am back to my pre-PV and pills binge last fall.

YAY!! **happy dance**

....and i did it unaided by sumpliments this time, NO ENSURE to pack on the pounds!!

Finally got something worth my time... now if only this was steady.

What is on your bed right now? Sheets, pillows, down comforter

When was the last time you threw up? About 2 weeks ago, from stress.

What's your favorite word or phrase? FAIL

Name 3 people who made you smile today? My agent, rangrz, and my aunt.

What were you doing at 8 am this morning? I was on the can. TMI, I know.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? A typing test.

What is your favorite holiday? Memorial Day b/c of the long weekend and beginning of summertime.

Have you ever been to another country? Yes, not as many as I'd like.

What is the last thing you said aloud? "Thank you!" (Aren't I polite?)

What is the best ice cream flavour? Coconut Bliss, original coconut. Heaven in a pint.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Iced latte with almond milk.

What are you wearing right now? Blue fleecie and hospital scrubs, lulz.

What was the last thing you ate? BBQ chicken and wild rice.

Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Nope.

When was the last time you ran? Yesterday, chasing a St. Bernard, with a bathing suit on, lol.

What's the last sporting event you watched? I watched the Sabres lose to Boston last week.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? See avatar!

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message? My dad.

Ever go camping? Yes, and love it.

Do you have a tan? Nope, pasty white girl here.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? My dinner.

What is your guilty pleasure? Perfume, high-end coffees and teas, hair products.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer? Sure.

Do you drink your soda from a straw? Almost always.

What did your last text message say? "Did you send me the 2-day fedex?

Are you someone's best friend? Yes, and he is mine.

What are you doing tomorrow? Fighting off a hangover most likely; it's Cinco de Drinko!

Where is your mum right now? In heaven, I hope.

Look to your left, what do you see? A red couch, end table, and lamp.

What colour is your watch? Stainless steel w/black face.

What do you think of when you think of Australia? My Bluelight friends that live there, and dingos eating babies.

Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Oh yeah.

What is your birthstone? Diamond.

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Neither, I avoid that crap.

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? I no longer use myspace.

Do you have a dog? No, but presently staying w/2 St. Bernards. They're sweet doggies.

Last person you talked to on the phone? rangrz

Any plans today? Yes, going to partay for Cinco de Drinko with a lovely new BL friend!

Are you happy? I would be if things were a little more settled for me.

Where are you right now? Bonus room.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Where would I begin?

Last song listened to? Jimmy Buffett - Tequila Sunrise

Last movie you saw? The Education

Are you allergic to anything? HAHA, practically everything, including some recreational stuff.

Favourite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Black flats or brown studded boots.

Are you jealous of anyone? Not really at the moment.

Are you married? No, but someday.

Is anyone jealous of you? I'd really hope not.

Do any of your friends have children? About 1/2.

Do you eat healthy? Yes, but I naturally have a low appetite.

What do you usually do during the day? Some balance between work and play.

Do you hate anyone right now? Hate is too strong a word; there are some people I dislike.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Yes, it's how I answer the phone.

How many kids do you want when you're older? 0 or 2.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 31!

Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes, in Texas.

How did you get one of your scars? Skiing accident (scar on right leg) - first and last attempt.

I pretty much have fuck all to write about. All i do lately is wake up work out het stoned and high and maybe go out for abit. Thats my fucking boring life. Also im as poor as a church mouse right about now.

So being broke and bummed out is kinda my life now. Hence why im drinking a beer at 1:00PM. Theres nothing else to do. The gloomy weather tends to bring me down as well. Fog, rain, drizzle. No sunshine. So everyday has that grey worn out look. It's hard to describe that part and may be the result of too many drugs.

my name is: g nine

this morning i was: not amused that i had nightmare again.

im afraid of: falling and spiders

i dream about: not living in ohio. figuring out a job i truly enjoy

Have You Ever…

pictured your crush naked?: and then some

been in love: yes

cried when someone died: not exactly. its usually way after the fact when i am alone.

lied: well, yeah. but i try to avoid it.

flowers or candy: candy

scruff or clean shaven: either or

tall or short: tall. i generally like people who are taller than me.


With The Opposite Sex…

what do you notice first?: smile and laugh. and how they carry themself.

last person you slow danced with: umm, i don't know. it was prolly at my wedding and prolly my dad?

worst question to ask: ones that you are not prepared to deal with. i really hate when people ask a rather loaded question and then can not accept the answer/response.

Who… (i'm gonna change this up and say Which BLer........)

makes you laugh the most?: ego_loss, lapdawg

makes you smile: unglued, vgoraz

gives you a funny feeling when you see them: any BLer i meet for the first time. i tend to be absurdly nervous and then everything turns out fine.

is easier talk to: boys or girls?: boys usually.

Do You Ever…

sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you?: not really. i prefer to just cyber stalk people. my new fun is looking up dating profiles.

save AIM conversations?: i think its the default for pidgin.

wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: picking out clothes would be easier, otherwise no.

cry because of something someone has said: very rarely.

pray?: not within the last decade.

Have You Ever…

fallen for your best friend?: yeah

rejected someone: a few times

cheated on someone: not really, we have what many people call a weird relationship.

been cheated on: no, see aboe

done something you regretted: a zillion things, including some major things. but i made the choices and i might as well see how it pans out.

wanted to die: yeah, tho now i am just indifferent.

Who Was The Last Person…

you talked to on the phone: vgoraz or my mom or unglued. i tend to avoid the phone as much as possible

hugged: kids at work.

you instant messaged: my friend nemo

you laughed with: unglued or vgoraz

Do You…

color your hair: i want to dye it fun colors but i am not sure how well that would go over in catholic school. maybe this summer.

ever get off the computer: work and sleep tend to lead to that.

habla espanol: enough to order food or tell people to fuck off

sprechen sie deutsches: few phrases here and there

fight with your parents: currently no. but 6 months ago i was ready to never see them again.

have friends you’ve lost touch with: i suck at staying in touch, so yeah.

feel happy?: meh, at the moment i am rather apathetic. but it shall pass and i will be happy again.

wish you could fly away.. far, far away?: yes, seattle would be nice. hopefully in june. with a rental car so i can visit people

believe in God?: nope. which makes teaching at a catholic school fun.

could you live without the computer?: moreso than my phone.

what’s your favorite candy?: dark chocolate with salt chunks

whats your favorite fruit?: watermelon

sunrise or sunset?: sunrise has a certain calm about it. unless i am driving to work and then its annoying.

what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain? emotional, there aren't really easy fixes for it.

trust others way too easily?: nope, i am a fairly guarded person

are your fingers cold?: not at the moment

coke or pepsi: coke zero. or diet dr, pepper.

Final Questions…

I want: to travel more

I wish: for money to travel.

I love: my friends and husband, traveling, seattle

I miss: people and things at the most random times

I fear: old people. i don't like them and i don't want to be one.

I hear: the pens game on tv

I smell: nothing, my nose is all stuffed

I wonder: when i will get my tax return so i can go to seattle

Thanks Sweet P! I'll try not to fuck this one up this time LOL


What is on your bed right now? my man and my PJs

When was the last time you threw up? 5 years ago

What's your favorite word or phrase? "ARGH! FUCK!"

Name 3 people who made you smile today? Nobody yet.

What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Sleeping.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Watching TV.

What is your favorite holiday? Christmas and New Years.

Have you ever been to another country? Not yet.

What is the last thing you said aloud? "What?"

What is the best ice cream flavour? Mint Chocolate Chip.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Lemonaide

What are you wearing right now? PJs

What was the last thing you ate? A chocolate nutella sandwich.

Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Not for me. I baught a shirt and coat for my son.

When was the last time you ran? Yesterday.

What's the last sporting event you watched? Baseball.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? England.

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message? Hmn. My bestfriend the other day.

Ever go camping? Nope but I want to one day.

Do you have a tan? I don't tan. I just go pink and burn.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? Yes, too many things and entirely too embarassing.

What is your guilty pleasure? More than I care to list.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer?

Do you drink your soda from a straw? No.

What did your last text message say? "You're my bitch mutha fuckka, wait til I get home!" -LOL, you asked-

Are you someone's best friend? Yes, for 20yrs now.

What are you doing tomorrow? the usual hubbub of a work week and having kids.

Where is your mum right now? Probably at home watching TV with my dad, they're retired. Though not sure.

Look to your left, what do you see? Funny enough my son, great timing question LOL Also some work papers, sometimes it sucks working from home. I really need my own office.

What colour is your watch? My last watch broke and I haven't yet replaced it. It was silver.

What do you think of when you think of Australia? Hot Men.

Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Yep!

What is your birthstone? Dunno, I think a Dimond? I'm born in April, you figure out.

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? I don't really do fast food but if I have to I get it inside then go home with it.

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? I no longer use myspace.

Do you have a dog? Not anymore.

Last person you talked to on the phone? My man.

Any plans today? Of course.

Are you happy? Sure.

Where are you right now? My livingroom.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Being broke.

Last song listened to? "Find The Beauty in Ugly" - Jason Mraz

Last movie you saw? The Backup Plan. I Downloaded it yesterday and watched it on my comp.

Are you allergic to anything? Yes.

Favourite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My sneakers.

Are you jealous of anyone? Nope.

Are you married? Engaged and to be married soon.

Is anyone jealous of you? I doubt it but who knows these days.

Do any of your friends have children? Yeah, a lot of them do.

Do you eat healthy? Yes, mostly but I do cheat.

What do you usually do during the day? Weekdays-Work and family Weekends-Fuck all unless planned outings.

Do you hate anyone right now? I don't hate anyone, but I am pissed off with someone at the moment.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Not daily.

How many kids do you want when you're older? Older? Hell I'm already 30! Maybe another 1 or 2 but I doubt it.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 31 *shudders*

Have you ever been to Six Flags? No.

How did you get one of your scars? Just one? Hmn. There was the skateboarding accident or maybe the one from my rollerblading accident. I think I should stay away from wheels on my feet LOL

What is on your bed right now? teddy bear, eye pillow, blanket and normal sheets... i am really picky when it comes to sleepy time

When was the last time you threw up? saturday. apparently i had the drunk g nine face for most of the night.

What's your favorite word or phrase? asinine

Name 3 people who made you smile today? the baby, vgoraz and my students

What were you doing at 8 am this morning? wrestling a kid away from his mom

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? hanging out with the baby and james

What is your favorite holiday? my birthday, or ones that give me time off work

Have you ever been to another country? many times. tho never to europe.

What is the last thing you said aloud? something about intervention since that is what we are watching.

What is the best ice cream flavor? cookie dough

What was the last thing you had to drink? coors light

What are you wearing right now? slippers, khakis, polo and sweatshirt

What was the last thing you ate? pulled pork belly sandwich

Have you bought any new clothing items this week? no, my mom and husband buy me clothes

When was the last time you ran? today. chasing a 4th grader up the stairs

What's the last sporting event you watched? currently watching the cavs and intervention

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? i suppose not ohio is the obvious answer?

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message ? vgoraz

Ever go camping? many times, tho not recently

Do you have a tan? not really.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? prolly.

What is your guilty pleasure? more than i care to list. prolly drinking.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?

Do you drink your soda from a straw? only if i get it from a fast food place

What did your last text message say? ok. sure

Are you someone's best friend? yuppers

What are you doing tomorrow? working. hopefully it goes more smoothly than today.

Where is your mom right now? at her house i assume.

Look to your left, what do you see? the couch, james' desk and the kitchen

What color is your watch? silver

What do you think of when you think of Australia? various BLers

Ever ridden on a roller coaster? yeah, but i still hate it

What is your birthstone? ruby

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive tthru? depends on how hungover i am

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? sorta, on facebook. its SO's of friends.

Do you have a dog? nope

Last person you talked to on the phone? vgoraz this morhing

Any plans today? its almost 10pm, time for bedish.

Are you happy? meh, still rather indifferent. but i am not sad either.

Where are you right now? my apartment watching intervention

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? having a job

Last song listened to? dunno, something on the radio?

Last movie you saw? kick-ass

Are you allergic to anything? horses. cats. some dogs.

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? i am pretty unconcerned when it comes to footwear...

Are you jealous of anyone? nope

Are you married? yup, since sept

Is anyone jealous of you? who knows?

Do any of your friends have children? yeah, one ever got pregnant at our wedding!

Do you eat healthy? haha, no.

What do you usually do during the day? work.

Do you hate anyone right now? not really.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily? yeah, we have to model proper behavior for the kids

How many kids do you want when you're older? 1, or so.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 28

Have you ever been to Six Flags? yup, it took over geagua lake. and ruined it.

How did u get one of your scars? dumbed shit while drunk and emotional,

hey all things been good sofar (knock on wood), been working like crazy at work, they got me workin the graveyard shift at work, from 8pm - 6am everyday 6 days a week, and i'm off sundays. and the libiary is closed on sundays so it sucks in a way. found out that i have a warrent out for my arrest on a loittering charge, i thought the court date was april 24th, when it really was april 16th. yeah i should do the right thing and turn myself in, but i'm going to hold off. i know i should but damn, things just started to look good for me until this shit fucking popped up in my life. ugh so fucking agravating!
other than that shit nothing a whole lot been goin on. wish i could stay and talk more but gay libiary computers only give you 30 minutes to use them. wich sucks and i got 5mins left.
ah well, just checking in here. hope everyone is cool.
drew

Stolen from Sweet P.

My name is: Sebastian.

This morning I was: Bitchy from being woken up.

I'm afraid of: nothing.

I dream about: Being truely happy, making something of my life.



Have You Ever…

Pictured your crush naked: Who hasn't?

Been in love: Yes

Cried when someone died: Nope.

Lied: Yes, but nothing serious. I rarely lie though and nothing serious. Why lie, the truth will eventually come out.


Flowers or candy: neither.

Scruff or clean shaven: stubble

Tall or short: Average.



With The Opposite Sex…

What do you notice first: Body smell then eyes.

Last person you slow danced with: Never slow danced and I don't intend to!

Worst question to ask: Are you a man or a woman?



Which BL'er...

Makes you laugh the most: my son.

Makes you smile: Nobody in particular. Anybody can make me smile, depending what they say.

Gives you a funny feeling when you see them: My man.

Is easier talk to, boys or girls: Both / neither. Social Anxiety is a bitch.



Do You Ever…

Sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you: Nah, can't be bothered.

Save IM conversation: sometimes.

Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Biologically, yes.

Cry because of something someone has said: Nope, been pretty flat my whole life.

Pray: Not seriously.



Have You Ever…

Fallen for your best friend: Yes, when I was a kid.

Rejected someone: Yes

Cheated on someone: Not when I've been in a committed relationship.

Been cheated on: Yes

Done something you regretted: Hell yeah.

Wanted to die: Nope.



Who Was The Last Person…

You talked to on the phone: My brother.

Hugged: My guy.

You instant messaged: My bestfriend.

You laughed with: My guy.



Do You…

Colour your hair: At times.

Ever get off the computer: Yes. I'm getting more bored with being online as the weather gets better so I am only online at night.

Habla espanol: a little.

Sprechen sie deutsches: not really.

Fight with your parents: No, never have. I have cool parents.

Have friends you've lost touch with: Plenty

Feel happy: Right now, just average.

Wish you could fly away... far, far away: Yeah, that'd be cool.

Believe in God: No, but I don't disbelieve in any god either. I sit on the fence.

Could you live without the computer: Yes, and did until I was 25 (5yrs ago).

What's your favourite candy: none.

What's your favourite fruit: Watermelon.

Sunrise or sunset: Sunrise

What hurts the most, physical pain or emotional pain: Emotional.

Trust others way too easily: some people, sure. strangers, nope.

Are your fingers cold: Only my left cause I'm holding a cold chicken, yumm! lol.

Coke or pepsi: Coke. I hate pepsi with a passion.



Final Questions…

I want: To find happiness.

I wish: See above.

I love: My family, my guy.

I miss: Jay, a friend who's disappeared. I hope you're ok dude! (NOT THE SAME AS your JAY SP BUT THANKS FOR POINTING OUT MY OOPS OF NOT FINISHING THE SURVEY -LOL-)

I fear: nothing.

I hear: Right now? My son & my man.

I smell: Tricky question... do I smell, or can I smell something?

I wonder: What the future holds.

saw it. love it. the end.

What is on your bed right now?
Bedding and pillows
When was the last time you threw up?
Oh, I don't know......I hate throwing up. I hope its a long long time til next time.
What's your favorite word or phrase?
Transformation or Life Cycle
Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Brandon, Clint, Frances
What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Waking up
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Talking on the phone
What is your favorite holiday?
Halloween
Have you ever been to another country?
Nope. Canada for all of 5 minutes
What is the last thing you said aloud?
"Oh come on."
What is the best ice cream flavor?
Mint chocolate chip
What was the last thing you had to drink?
water
What are you wearing right now?
pjs
What was the last thing you ate?
yogurt with flax

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
yes- 2 shirts and a skirt

When was the last time you ran?
no clue

What's the last sporting event you watched?
no clue.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Ireland, Scotland and Germany

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message ? Rosie

Ever go camping? sure!

Do you have a tan?
NO way! I like pale.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
I'm sure

What is your guilty pleasure?
lattes

Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot? yep

Do you drink your soda from a straw? no soda for me

What did your last text message say? 'I'm posting naked pics of you on facebook- is that okay? Shoulc I not tag you?"

Are you someone's best friend?yeah

What are you doing tomorrow?
hopeullly nothing

Where is your mom right now?
Colorado

Look to your left, what do you see? my legs

What color is your watch?no watch

What do you think of when you think of Australia? Its probably too hot for me

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?yes- 100's of times

What is your birthstone?
Garnet

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive tthru? I don't do fast food much but when I do I hit the drive thru.

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? I use facebook and , no.

Do you have a dog? nope

Last person you talked to on the phone?Frances

Any plans today? Nope.

Are you happy? Yeah

Where are you right now? On my couch

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? I have a few

Last song listened to? Apparat and Ellen Allien- Leave me Alone

Last movie you saw? Twilight

Are you allergic to anything? Liars

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? My black boots.

Are you jealous of anyone? Not really, no.

Are you married?yes

Is anyone jealous of you? I doubt that VERY much

Do any of your friends have children?yeah

Do you eat healthy? Alot of the time......I try

What do you usually do during the day? depends on the day

Do you hate anyone right now? no no.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
um, not sure.
How many kids do you want when you're older?
I want 3, now.
How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
ugh, 30.
Have you ever been to Six Flags? yeah
How did u get one of your scars?
Did a cart wheel through a glass window and Flipped over my bike and skidded on my chin and knees.

Stolen from everyone - this looks like an accidental Blogs theme lol!

My name is: Mariposa

This morning I was: Sleeping and preparing for family BBQ later.

I'm afraid of: Some insects, getting senile, bad things happening to friends and family.

I dream about: Pretty much the same shit as everyone else with the addition of a truly fulfilling career path.

Have You Ever…

Pictured your crush naked: Which one? Surely.

Been in love: "Halfway, half a dozen times."

Cried when someone died: Yes,

Lied: Of course. Anyone who answers "no" to this is probably lying!

Flowers or candy: I'd prefer a nice dinner or drinks and conversation.

Scruff or clean shaven: Depends on the guy.

Tall or short: Generally tall, but height isn't a prerequisite for me.

With The Opposite Sex…

What do you notice first: Eyes and facial structure; sense of personal style; hands.

Last person you slow danced with: Probably a friend at the last wedding I attended.

Worst question to ask: "Why aren't you married/don't you have any kids yet?" *rage*

Which BL'er...

Makes you laugh the most: Rangrz, Dave, RR, PFF, SA, the CEP and Lounge regulars. Others too.

Makes you smile: The TDS regulars.

Gives you a funny feeling when you see them: In a good or a bad way?

Is easier to talk to, boys or girls: Both about equal.

Do You Ever…

Sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you: No.

Save IM conversation: Rarely. Waste of memory and I use OTR anyways.

Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: I joke that I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body, but I am happy being female 3/4 of the month.

Cry because of something someone has said: Many times, and easily.

Pray: Not to a deity per se.

Have You Ever…

Fallen for your best friend: Duh-huh.

Rejected someone: I have, and the ensuing drama was a lot to bear.

Cheated on someone: Only in one relationship many years ago, and I wish I had not because it was flat-out wrong. Have not repeated and will not repeat.

Been cheated on: Yes - by the same person I cheated WITH. Go figure!

Done something you regretted: Many things, despite that in general I consider regret a useless emotion.

Wanted to die: A few times, none recently.

Who Was The Last Person…

You talked to on the phone: My dad.

Hugged: My cousin.

You instant messaged: My bestie.

You laughed with: My aunt.

Do You:

Colour your hair: It's mostly highlights and within 1 shade of natural, but yes.

Ever get off the computer: Yes.

Habla espanol: Si, pero no soy fluente.

Sprechen sie deutsches: I know the curse words.

Fight with your parents: I only have one, and we haven't fought in awhile (knock wood).

Have friends you've lost touch with: Too many

Feel happy: Yes, awesome day yesterday and no hangover!

Wish you could fly away... far, far away: Yeah, that'd be cool. I've a few places in mind.

Believe in God: Agnostic - jury's out for me.

Could you live without the computer: I doubt it.

What's your favourite candy: Godiva chocolate raspberry truffles, if anything.

What's your favourite fruit: Strawberries and coconut.

Sunrise or sunset: Sunrise on the Atlantic; sunset on the Pacific.

What hurts the most, physical pain or emotional pain: Emotional.

Trust others way too easily: I have in the past, but not really anymore.

Are your fingers cold: Nope.

Coke or pepsi: Diet Coke w/Splenda if any; I usually avoid soda.

Final Questions…

I want: it all, and now!

I wish: for many things, most immediately, peace and quiet.

I love: Spring, travel, family, friends, techie stuff.

I miss: A lot of things. Mostly being lovingly held.

I fear: Haven't we been over this?

I hear: Kids playing hockey (not mine).

I smell: really good right now, like strawberries.

I wonder: It'd take me a lifetime to answer this.

There is a person who I love dearly, and she has more than an emotional investment in me. I've already prepared her, but it's still going to fuck her life up when she's already been set back ten years before she met me. I'll stick it out until our attorney figures out a way for her to be okay, but after that I'm gone. I don't even know if I'll get that far though, because sometimes I don't have the patience and go into a blackout mode where I forget the importance of the only reason I'm sticking around. But I'm not afraid anymore. If I didn't have unfinished business I'd be gone right after I click the post button. No one can help me, and I'm tired of pretending that they can. Enjoy the lulz while they last, just remember that they have a definite expiration date. Peace.

i don't share my deep thoughts with anyone. here's a better place then any.

should being happy be such an effort?

i think i'm my own worst enemy. i have so many conflicting feelings between the person i am and the person i want to be.

the person i wanted to be was a nice guy, who was passionate for what he did. hard working, friendly with confidence. a positive person, with genuine thoughts and feelings.

the person i am is someone with a chip on his shoulder. someone isn't proud of himself. someone who fails his own expectations. it's hard to find motivation to socialise and be happy when your self esteem is pretty much non existent. i mean fuck, you shouldn't even need motivation to socialise, it should just come natural.

i can't say i've been genuinely happy for a long time now. maybe that's why i always seem to find myself reminiscing about my younger years. maybe that's why i still drive by old friend's houses and think about the fun we used to have. i realise i'm not going to move forward if i'm only ever looking back. 2 years ago i decided to journey abroad to live and work in an attempt to get out of the rut i felt i was in. it was a good experience, but i don't think i made the most of it. i probably didn't put myself out there as much as i should have. but i did find a job i enjoyed though. i loved it actually. 9 months into the job the contract ended and i was devastated. i really thought i had something going. something i could spend my energy on, enjoying it and making a living.

after 1yr abroad i came back home. i think i felt 1yr was enough, but in hindsight i really should have made more of it.

now i've been back home for almost a yr. time has flew by and i think i find myself in the same rut as i was before i went abroad. my job doesn't really excite me, my closer friends are moving on, whether it be with the love of their life, or just a change in direction. where am i going? i don't really know. it's almost as if i'm just waiting for something to happen. but that's not how life works. if you want something done, you gotta get off your arse and do it.

i realise that. but i think i just need a little help. some guidance. some influence and encouragement. i'd never ask for it though. too much pride. but when pride's the only thing you got, it really ain't worth much.

i'm stuck. i really think it's time i make a big decision to do something about it.

my name is:
OverDone

this morning i was:
unhurried

im afraid of:
the perhaps not-so-mythical fanged vagina

i dream about:
security

Have You Ever…

pictured your crush naked?:
my crush, your crush, probably everyone's

been in love:
with 'M'. That feeling has gone and I kinda miss it

cried when someone died:
yes

lied:
of course. Nowadays I may be too honest though

flowers or candy:
neither

scruff or clean shaven:
on me? clean shaven

tall or short:
doesn't matter

With The Opposite Sex…

what do you notice first?:
attitude, boobs, eyes, ass

last person you slow danced with:
Rachel, maybe? in 2006/7

worst question to ask:
how would you like to be a father?

Which BLer:

makes you laugh the most?:
Sweet P

makes you smile:
Ocean, Sweet P, n3o

gives you a funny feeling when you see them:
never met any BLers that I haven't introduced to BL

is easier talk to: boys or girls?:
chicks

Do You Ever…

sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you?:
I'm not THAT needy

save AIM conversations?:
yes, at work for referencing technical resolutions to unusual issues

wish you were a member of the opposite sex?:
no thanks. Woman genitalia is COMPLICATED

cry because of something someone has said:
what someone has said has triggered me to cry about something else

pray?:
yes, to my own concept of whatever is out there

Have You Ever…

fallen for your best friend?:
a couple different instances

rejected someone:
believe it or not... yes

cheated on someone:
I'm not proud of it but yes I have (maybe 10 years ago?)

been cheated on:
yes

done something you regretted:
many, many things

wanted to die:
many, many times

Who Was The Last Person…

you talked to on the phone:
Josh. He told me Dave B. died (RIP brother)

hugged:
hard to say. I was at a meeting on wednesday and I hugged a bunch of folks

you instant messaged:
Sweet P

you laughed with:
Shaman

Do You…

color your hair:
what is this 'hair' you speak of? I am not familiar with the concept

ever get off the computer:
rarely

habla espanol:
nope

sprechen sie deutsches:
nope

fight with your parents:
my dad. Now I just stay the fuck away from him

have friends you’ve lost touch with:
of course. My deepest friendships were when I was in high school

feel happy?:
I feel at peace

wish you could fly away.. far, far away?:
and never come back? no
for a temporary vacation? sure thing

believe in god?:
I believe in a few of them

could you live without the computer?:
yeah but it would be crippling not having such a resource.

what’s your favorite candy?:
haven't had candy in many months

whats your favorite fruit?:
honeydew I guess. Maybe any melon

sunrise or sunset?:
sunrise because it indicates a brand new day

what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?
emotional

trust others way too easily?:
I rarely trust people

are your fingers cold?:
no

coke or pepsi:
I don't drink soda.

Final Questions…

I want:
my dog to be eternally happy and healthy

I wish:
there wasn't a waiting list at the local shelter

I love:
my dog

I miss:
the days when I was 16 through 18

I fear:
my dog's death

I hear:
Jon Stewart on TV

I smell:
cigarette smoke

I wonder:
how many marbles would fit in the average vagina

Since we don't have a theme going right now, I figured I'd post another Random Survey- b/c they're mindless a amusing -
Found this one......isn't the most exciting but it'll do for now-


my name is: Ocean

this morning i was: woken up too early by my kitty

im afraid of: mice, well, rodents and highways

i dream about: living a happy life, travelling, having babies

Have You Ever…

pictured your crush naked?: Psh! yes.

been in love: yes

cried when someone died: Well, I'm not cold hearted, so , uh, YEAH.

lied:
I don't like to lie. Will try to avoid it at all costs (even coming off like a bitch or too blunt) but yes, I have lied.

flowers or candy: flowers

scruff or clean shaven: scruff. ITs hawt.

tall or short: The taller, the better.


With The Opposite Sex…

what do you notice first?:
Um, eyes, lips,cheekbones in physical-
In personality, humor, and humility.

last person you slow danced with: Panic in Paradise in my kitchen a couple nights ago

worst question to ask:
Are you pregnant? hahaha
Do not ask a girl this unless she is 9 months pregnant and there is NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER.

Who… (i'm gonna change this up and say Which BLer........)

makes you laugh the most?:
Panic in Paradise, OverDone or Paranoid Android

makes you smile: Pip, Dave, OD and PA

gives you a funny feeling when you see them:
Um, Pip

is easier talk to: boys or girls?:
Both

Do You Ever…

sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you?: No

save AIM conversations?: Not usually

wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: Nope, I love being a girl

cry because of something someone has said:
Sure I have.

pray?: I have......and do ask the universe for a favor now and then......

Have You Ever…

fallen for your best friend?: Yeah

rejected someone: yes

cheated on someone:
Once, when I was like 14 haha I don't think it counts 'casue I was 14 and he cheated first....so maybe we weren't even together:D

been cheated on: yeah, see above

done something you regretted: Of course.....though I try not to regret b/c everything that has happened has led me to this place I am at in my life. I am grateful for it.

wanted to die: yep

Who Was The Last Person…

you talked to on the phone: PiP

hugged: Pip

you instant messaged: Redleader or Paranoid Android

you laughed with:PiP

Do You…

color your hair: yes

ever get off the computer: yes

habla espanol: not really

sprechen sie deutsches: nein

fight with your parents: um, next.

have friends you’ve lost touch with: hahah yes, I have lived in over 32 places- I've made and lost friends.

feel happy?: atm, sure

wish you could fly away.. far, far away?:
That'd be cool.

believe in God?: Not a Christian one

could you live without the computer?:
Could I? Yes. Would I want to? No way.

what’s your favorite candy?:
I don't do candy much but when I do I love HErshey bars and Andes Mint Chocolates

whats your favorite fruit?:I love berries

sunrise or sunset?: Sunset- though I have been getting up really early and enjoying the morning sunlight (just not early enough to see it rise)

what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?
Emotional......

trust others way too easily?: Not anymore

are your fingers cold?:
They were earlier

coke or pepsi: I don't drink soda

Final Questions…

I want: a baby

I wish: for peace and my loved ones to be happy and out of pain

I love: Nature, my family, Astrology, my ancestors, the Pacific Northwest, changing weather, my kitties of course.......lots of things

I miss: My brother

I fear: a lot. It is something I need to work on

I hear: ghosts talk in my kitchen....well, one ghost.

I smell:
A peppermint spray I put on earlier

I wonder: if we will escape the heat this summer