Listening to GG Allin streaming from the Geekosphere.
This guy used to do a comedy/shock rock act where he would do a massive enema before he went on stage, then go on stage and cut himself up, rip off his clothes, shit explosively, roll around in it, and throw the feces into the crowd until people would kick his ass. I saw him once in Richmond when I was a kid. Somebody asked me why I like that stuff. I'm not sure. Maybe Allin's act makes real life seem less jarring and upsetting.
On a rainy night last week, my gf (Aelys) and I were having some drinks at a bar downtown. The conversation started out relaxed, focusing on casual topics. She told me that her family will get together during winter break and visit her sister in San Francisco and that we'll stay there for a couple of days. Then we moved on to talking about what to do for the weekend. But suddenly, she brings up somethign involving an ex-boyfriend from several years ago. Her X's, any gf's X's for that matter, are never something I want to hear about in the first place (I never bring up my own.), and what she was about to tell me was not easy to deal with. She said the last tiem they saw each other he raped her. And, some time later, she found out she was pregnant as a result of the rape and had to have an abortion.
I remember that moment vividly, the martini glass on the bar in front of her with its skewered olive resting on the bottom, the dim lihgt catching the distraught look on her face, the sound of wind-blown rain washing the outside of the building, and the sick pressure in my stomach as I sat on the stool beside her watching her face. I was half drunk and did not know how to react. I never know how to react to somethign like that. What do you say when a loved one makes that kind of revelation? My emotions ran through a spectrum. I went from angry to cold and silent to wanting to be comforting. I guess the result of this emotional overload was that I sort of froze. I can only imagine the pain she went through to the event then and now my lack of a comforting response, not to mention the trauma of hte memory.
I said several things and I dont' remeber in what order. Had she gone to the police? No. Why not? Then she mentioned that he is a convicted felon, that she knew he was when they met, but he refused to tell her what he was convicted of. Why hadn't she found out what his crime was before getting involved with him? Now I can guess. I think that some kinds of crimes are so horrible that their nature requires the perpetrator to be deeply adn permantly psychotic. Someone who does these things once will do it again the next chance they get, no matter if they are punished. Child molesters and rapists are examples that come to mind. He is a serial rapist, no doubt. Why hadnt' she found out what he'd done? Why hadn't she told me somethign earlier in the relationship? Why hadn't she taken it to the police? As long as he's free and alive, he'll keep doing it to other women. I was mad at her now. Yeah, I know. I was blaming the victim and being hypocritical. My x-gf the Lovely But Tragically Insane Psycho Suzie had been abusive and tried to kill me. I'd made bad choices in partners as well. I woudln't blame her. I can only imagine what trauma she has experienced and how it has affected her, both with the rape and the abortion.
We did not talk much after that, not at the bar, not on the walk home, not for the rest of the night. I was wondering what to do. Should I urge her to report it to the police, even though it's been years; or track him down myself, beat him, maim him and probably kill him? What if she's lying (like an x-gf, Susan, lied to me about the same exact situation)? I didnt' know what to do. I did not want to get involved in any kind of drama, especially not drama involving a woman's past.
I still can't think of anythign to do. There is nothing I can do about that. Then I remembered that part of the suffering she went through was being made pregnant that way and having to get an abortion. Now there is one thing I can avoid ever doing to anyone -- getting them pregnant. Now, having a vascetomy seemed like a good idea. So, I went to see a urologist earlier this week (without telling my gf). It involved a brief examinatino and an interview with the doctor:
Do you have children?
No.
Do you ever plan to have children?
No.
Okay, I perform vasectomies on Fridays. You can make an appointment with the receptionist.
He explained the procedure: he makes several incisions in the scrotum, cuts the vas, ties off the ends and that's it. I will have the weekend to rest and recover so I will not have to take time off work.
So, I made an appointment for Friday. That's tomorrow, and I'm very nervous about it. I can only imagine that the surgery will be very painful and that the pain will linger for days or weeks, even. The doctor said I should arrange to have someone drive me because I will be too drugged from pain killers and my open wounds will be too fragile for me to walk or ride my bike, my only forms of transportation. So, what to do?
I told my gf about my appointment for tomorrow. She was surprised but said she would drive me. Then, she asked me if ti's becasue of what she had told me several days before. I told her it was not. She said something about wanting to have children. I reminded her that when we first met, I told her I did not want children, would never want that, and would not change my mind. She was OK with that at the time. But now that my choice looks more permanant, she's mad at me for deciding to do this.
) to tell you fuck you all
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
makes me sad -- he was just getting wonderful hair in time for his class photos tomorrow. On that note I bought him dress pants and a sweater from Bonnie Togs and he should look quite dashing in them. I will be keeping my Facebook updated with photos and such but I really don't like posting photos elsewhere -- not that I feel really right about posting them anywhere but....meh whatever.
