Blogs

Tried MDAI the other week and can't the stuff, lovely buzz, so warm and nice, this woof woof shit is the bomb!!!!!!

Tried k tonight for the first time in my life and was left pretty speechless at its effects on my mind.
I was aware of the doses and not to take too much of it and so took enough to get me in the light headed phase.
This was one thing I never knew about K......the phases you go through. I remember 3hrs ago that after 1 small line insufflated I sat on my bed just in a sense of harmony with the room. It was really really weird but a good weird.

Within the next 20mins i found myself doing up another line and after that it just went absolutely outrageous for about 50mins. I had been chatting to a mate on facebook and very quickly found myself unable to concentrate at the computer so I just lay down.
I started to drift off into another world where i felt like i was floating. Every 10 secs or so i found myself fighting the urges to regain normality in my mind but it was impossible. I assume i was in the k-hole.
I did feel very uncomfortable for half of it and had to remind myself there was nothing wrong.
Im still sitting here stunned by the lasting effects its had on me.
Right now i just feel light headed as if im just after waking from a general anaestetic.

To be honest im afraid to take the stuff again but at the same time i feel like its inevitably gonna happen. What a fukin crazy drug!!

I woke up today angry. Angry and ashamed.
I cried one of those cries with little tears but just a wail right from my Stomach.
I could only think of how I wish I didnt have this fucking body to carry around-I hate it!
Now I just feel tired. I ate my way through the last few days. Im so fucking bored and Cold and unfullfilled. D is annoying me, he's horny every fucking morning and I just dont want him to touch me. Im tired. Its a lovely day out and I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. The water tank is broken so the heat wont work and the shower water is cold. I hate the cold. If I had my car Id just drive somewhere.
I hate christmas. I hate all the fucking pemature Advertising on the radio and t.v for it.
I hate the way im going to have to pretend I enjoy shopping with my Mother during the holidays. I hate that she knows I do this and still carries on with the Facade. I hate that I have no family except for them. I hate that my scope is so small at the moment.
I hate that the last Interviewer kept smiling wryly at me all the while, knowing I wasnt going to get the job.
I hate that people treat me like im an idiot.
I blame the way I look for this.
Sometimes I want to be a two ton, colossal man who could annihalate the shit out of everyone he wants.
I hate that while watching the Police Crime re-enacment show on tv last night, when I saw women being attacked, I fantasised about
how I would just attack them back. I hate that I cant deal with my own vulnerability.
I hate the Physical and Social constraints of being a woman.
I hate that yesterday, 2 men brutally murdered their children and wive's and all the tv commentators were analysing were why the Government is bringing shame on the country.
I hate that the pressure people are under because of 'political gambling' is making people sick and killing them.
I hate the lie called 'Democracy'
I hate that every citizen is worshiping an ego ideal set down by 'Social Conditioning' by the Selfishly blind corrupters of life.
I hate that my circulation system is shit.
I hate that D doesnt express his emotions verbally.
I hate that he lies and manipulates.
I hate that prick that molested my mother.
I hate that people have kids and cant give them what they need.
I hate the cult of worshipping labels and things of high monetary worth.
I hate that I cant control my appetite.
I hate that I have so much flesh on my bones.
I hate the way it draws attention to my physical mass.
I hate that im not forming this blog entry into a more structured set of paragraphs.
I hate that we cant all read each others minds and hearts desire.
I hate that sometimes my idea of whats true for me usually ends up being right.
I know this is true, and it guides me but I dont want to know what I know.
I dont want to be delude either.
I dont know what i want.
I hate that!!!!!!!!!!!

If we were to break up for good, and then not see each other for the next 10 years, when I finally did see her again, I would be so beside myself with the mere sight of her that I would just melt.

She's the one person in this world that makes me feel human. I don't think she knows just how much she mean.

The things I do do not affect you,
I keep "the bad stuff" away from my family.
You think these things distract me from what I need to do for the you.
You say I spend all my money poisoning myself.
What you fail to realize is that, while, yes, I do decided to "poison myself" I take half my paycheck and spend it on providing for a house that poisons me. You don't see it that way, but this house is what changed me.
The constant war being waged, the silence at the dinner table, the hostility... All of which are more poison to me than the things I do to myself.
I hope that some day soon you will realize that I do care about everyone in this family. Even when they decide to leave for months at a time.
I still care. But there's no love here. So I find love through other methods.
The drugs take their toll, yes.
But in the end, it is you that will be my downfall.
-Stephen

Sitting here browsing bluelight when I should be doing homework I am starting to question my motivation for college. I took adderal just to do this shit instead im listening to youtube and posting like theres no tommorow. I dunno Bill Withers is the shit though I think I cant write left handed may be my new favorite song. I know that teaching history is my calling but I dont think im gonna be able to pass my other classes to get there. It sucks because I truely have a gift for history. I gotta get it together at some point but I have so many issues that I dont even know where to start adressing them. I exhausted all the appointments I had with the school counselor which sucks because I dont feel like I got much accomplished. Its like I have all these things I need help with but once I get in the office I blank out cant ever think of what I really wanna say. I always just end up getting prescribed the drugs I want and not addressing the issues that make me an addict. Its a fucked up state of affairs.

I've just been prescribed tramadol to help ease the pain of fibromyalgia, with some degree of success. But have found that there is little, or no sound info about interaction's with coke and MDMA?! Pages and pages of where to buy it without prescription, it's doing my noodle in.
I've been off the naughties for quite some time and, was wondering if I'm gonna drop down dead if I just happen to have a little dable?
Could some one point me in the right direction? Need reliable scientific and personal advice.

He'd had that truck for 23 years. For the last 13 mechanics had told him it wasn't worth the money he was putting into it. They didn't understand that trucks true value. For the last 23 years that truck moved him, helped him, and came through for him.

The transmission had been changed 3 times. The engine replaced once and rebuilt twice. The body was mostly bondo with a layer of paint to hold it all together.

When the semi hit him, he lived, but she didn't. There was no putting her back together.

When he came home he looked into the eyes of the only thing that might make it longer.

Well, just seeing the fruits of my efforts within my 'Relationship' are just a big heap of shit. He started driving his car into town after taking some kinda Sedatives(which only became apparent to me while we were driving) and refused to let me drive. I just ended up screaming at him to stop, which worked eventually. Then later on, I found out he had threatened to kill his Ex and this is part of the charge against him with the Cops and thats why he is on a Curfew*Sigh*. What the Fuck?!!!
Am not dealing with this shit anymore, have been dealing with his Drama for 5 fking years and am just tired of it...no matter what I say or do, he just wants to do what he wants to do and he doesnt take ANY responsibility for it unless he's on an emotional high.
This really wont sink in properly until a few days, it never does. My heart is broken from him, sometimes I dont want to be harsh cause Im afraid he's brain (injury frm a motorbike accident) has sumthin to do with it, but he knows what he's doin he is so goddamn Cocky and Manipulative(and even though I see through it, and tell him such, he just doesnt seem to harbour any respect for the Consequences his actions have on anyone who cares about him!)
I dont know how to manage without him, hes prob been the only person Ive been close to, for years.
I know you just have to roll on... I just feel so so old and fatigued from all this bullshit but it seems like its all I have ATM.
If I leave im worried things will get worse but I feel more like a parent to him(He's 47) in certain respects and thats making me miserable.
Im crazy about him but Im completly on my own with him.

one day shy of 60 days. i'm sof ucked up. and to make matters worse i'm gonna hve to 2live with this lie for atelast another month til i can get sttled bcuz if i dont my dad wount help me ant with an apartment thisis gonna weigh heavuyl on my consicense fuck fuck fucccccck. i made the decision i'm not regeretting it but just the fact that i did it i feel guilty.

the first time my heart stopped, the first time i woke up gasping for air, that weight on my chest, i fell violently in love. as soon as i felt it i couldnt get enough--never mind a razor blade, lettin the needle stroke my skin was always my kick. perverse self destruction. i loved bein sick. diseased affection. I lived for that shit, the erotic pleasure of dancin on that fine line. for the thrill of the wobble as you almost fall. savoring the seconds frozen in midair before you know you fine.

as i fell down into it i knew where i was goin, shit...it was never nothing else. just secret pleasure...the delicious feeling of the slow slide. diesel dreams turned my burned mattress into satin sheets, softest touch, fantasy love, how willing i was. the ultimate seduction. a deliberate sin. the spine tingling chill of forbidden things as i welcomed it in. and i woke up the next morning like a virgin who got her first good fuck. glowing, bursting with knowing something you dont, a new shake in my walk, new purpose in every step , my mind set. I couldnt wait to meet you again, my new best friend.

but a little danger never been enough, we need a pure blend of high octane self destruction, the sweetest secret. sometimes id let a little slip, a tiny hint. just a glimpse, but as a whole...Id always keep it. Just me and my high, just under the ribs, tucked right inside. Like two lovers in public, quick ass pinch and a wink. but just wait, just a bit, til we make it back home. im patiently waiting til i get you alone. i want you to own me, i want you to take me...break my bones, crush me, ravage me, rape me. every piece of me, love me , hate me, all of its yours. i want you, i need you, im your lover, im your whore. devastate me, break me, hit me harder, left for dead. smile on my face as the rush runs thru my head. i want it so hard, hot and violent, just the way you are. leave me wet, covered in sweat, leave me marks, leave me scars. you know i love it rough, til consciousness is almost gone. choke me out so tenderly, it always turned me on. feeling my lungs strugglin for breath under your touch. i love the way you give me just enough. let me linger on the threshold of life and death. aint satisfied til i barely got a heartbeat left. diacetyl dreams, pleasure at its most direct. when you finish leave me flushed and sweating, heart heavy in my chest. so deep, so asleep, under your caress.

aint nothin but self gratification, bliss in a bag. i wanted it deep, down inside me, i wanted it so bad. i wanted to drink it in, to suck it into my lungs, i couldnt get enough, i wanted it it all, to just let go and fall. into some kind of decadent lust, a sick fuck. wrong love.

the first time i decided to invite you deeper in, to take love in vein, i shivered with the knoweldge shit would never be the same. And the trust to let somebody slide the tip in so gently, and push it all down inside... the delicious surrender was already a high. i was so ready. ....counted backwards from ten. by seven, i was gone....by one, i wanted it again.and i let it hit me and my eyelids got heavy. "are you ok?" and all i could do was moan...unnhhhhhhhhhhhh....fuck...same animal sound as bustin a nut. frozen in ecstasy, paralyzed within the rush.

bundles and bricks becomes dirty talk, pack of fresh sets gets you off. needle caress takes the place of sex. Oh, fuck, i like it so raw. i cant get enough. dopes dirty little slut.

when i give you this shot...when i give you my words, when i give you my world, my life....i want you to feel it. I want it to be real. I want you to feel the sweat, the hot animal heat that radiates off my skin as i take it in. the lust in my heart as i feen for it, the furious, ferocious , basest need, and the unstoppable drive to satisfy. the ravenous fire burning me up inside. Pay attention, open yourself to my story. I give it to you , so you can know me too. I want you to have it, to let the hot blood course thru your veins and your head to drop, for you to know the secret rage that drives me, for you to feel the hate that i quench each time i slam down the plunger, to vibrate with the pure energy of absolule self annihilation , the fuel that fans the flames as it enters my veins. i just want you to know the reasons, i want you not to think, just to feel. to take it all in , my everything. the delicious thrill of the self destruct, the parasitic love, the violence of the rush. i give you this....but is it enough? do you hear me now, am i breaking thru, did i finally let you feel? can you understand? I need this to feel real.

I hate that drugs have turned my life to shit
I hate the fact that I LOVE TO GET HIGH
I hate that I smoke crack
I hate that I shoot pills..No I dont..I love them
And I hate that
I hate that my friends don't call me anymore
I hate how they say they understand..
When they have no fucking idea
I hate how i will NEVER be good enough
For anything
I hate the dealers that sell me drugs
I hate waiting for them
I hate that I have isolated myself
From anyone that actually ever gave a shit
I hate that I dont have the courage to kill myself and
I hate that everyday I want to die more and more

Once I said, Im a space traveler, back from another trip sleepy eyed and still pinned, back to the same place where the journey begins. If only you could know where I been.The only sign is the little red dots, a gift left from the tender kisses of stainless steel, the sharp caress of the needle. a faintly blooming garden of fading gray clouds floating over my forearm. the places i pushed it deep within. a graveyard of bruises, each purplish shadow marking the spot where a dream was sold , forgotten, and buried deep into my skin.

But that was then....

maybe Im on a break, call it retired. maybe its that now, it feels like im so much farther past. maybe i want to forget, could be just that.

maybe i pushed it so far back because to let the real feeling touch me again would bring me too alive. Maybe Im still screaming inside, maybe its just muffled. I think i took myself away so I dont have to suffer.

to still be in it, just a little bit...to dip my hand in that junkie life river and let it stream thru my fingertips, electric and raw, just to still feel some connection, one touch, just to play a day in the life--just once...its too much. too real. Too deep to let myself feel. lookin back at the life im just a kid way past bed time, listening under the door, catchin hints of music while the grownups outside tear up the floor. I aint quit it....but i sure as hell aint still wit it. I never liked the party to go on without me. but when you come back and try to start where you left off, you already too late to get caught up, shit done moved on, your place there is gone.

I just want it to be there, i just want to know its still waiting for me somewhere. cuz damn--to be a outsider at my own game?

Months roll by and soon ima share this life, the better part, with my unborn child...but where ima put that little piece of me that will always be wild? It aint never gonna leave. live forever with a trick up my sleeve?

I mighta came a long way, built over all the wreckage and started fresh, but the damage is permanently defined. a flock of shiny white lines... lies scattered and buried in the crook of the elbow, spread over the arm...these days, the fresh red rash of tracks is long gone, but the work of the needle will shine on, coldly burning the story into my skin for all time, as silent and knowing as an endless sky of stars.

So my car was stolen by the mechanic I took it to and apparently that's not a crime anymore.

Because a police officer would rather believe the lies of a mechanic rather than the corroborated truth I've told him twice over with a witness to verify and documentation to support, apparently extorting money for the safe return of someone's vehicle is totally legal and you can only spend more of your own money to sue them in civil court to get compensation for the vehicle.

This particular cop offered me the courtesy of sending a cop to the location to discuss the dispute and it would have been nice if he did that before when my car hadn't been sold yet, and the mechanic was trying to extort the money out of me. If he had offered to send an officer when I called him about the extortion the first time, I would have taken him up on it. He did no such thing. He told me it was a civil case and there was nothing any police officer could or would do for me. But NOW they're so willing to send an officer, now that my car is "gone." I at least got the Commonwealth Attorney's number, so maybe they can not sit on their thumbs and waste tax dollars while citizens are being hustled by fraudulent and criminally operating businesses.

If you live in Richmond, VA and need a mechanic, don't ever use STANDARD AUTO CENTER at any of their 3 locations, they'll arbitrarily change your quote AFTER they start working on your car so you'll be forced to leave your vehicle on their lot if it's non-operational or spend more money you don't have to tow it elsewhere while you raise the money. And in the meantime while your car is on their lot, regardless of whether you have an agreement otherwise, they will tow your car to an unknown location and never tell you how much you have to pay to get it back.

today i have 56 days.
however, i cannot wait to get realllll fucked up. i'm planning to stay clean for another 14 days and then i'm gonna have one of those city nights. some cule, k, a little oxy, smoke a little herb.. it's all thats been on my mind since i got out of rehab. of course i want to stay clean and not get back to sitting in my room all day getting high, but i want to have one night of just going out anddddd going alll out. i'm annoyed cause i missed all the rusko shows in nyc either from being a lazy drug addict or being in rehab! now i have to wait for that too. i hope what ever show i go to willl beeeeee mad liveeeeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. this isn't even really like a burning desire, it's just a hard core reservation. i haven't rolled since january, maybe once after that, and i haven't done k in monthsss and oxy 56 days. it's gonna be sooo goood.
then the day after i'm gonna get myself to a meeting!

I just want to let everyone know that I successfully used kratom to get off methadone. I was on methadone for 12 damn years! It was so hard to get off it. But the day I tried kratom, I instantly quit the methadone and never looked back. Never missed it one bit! There is apparently little cross-tolerance and I was only on 5mg of methadone at that point anyway.

I used the kratom for about 5 months, about 1/4 tsp 4 times a day as a tea. then I scaled it back over a few weeks, using 1/16th of a teaspoon per day for the last 2 weeks, and after that I just quit. I was a little bitchy and aggressive for a couple of days (which is totally out of character), but that was all. I've been totally clean for 2 weeks now and feel completely normal. No depression, no trouble sleeping, nothing. It was easy.
I'm so glad I found the kratom. I was starting to think I was going to be on methadone forever!
:D

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Both. Depends........

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
Both

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Side.
Are you a cuddler?
Sometimes.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
My bed is on the floor.

Something that happened today that made you angry? Few things.

What were you doing before this survey?
BLing.

What will you do after the survey?
Get something to munch on.

Marriage or living together? I'm married.

What shirt are you wearing now?
A Dark Teal long sleeved shirt, A Black Billie Holiday t shirt, polka dot PJ pants and knee high black and white heart socks.

Do you sing? I do..

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
I don't drink.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Mostly hide.....but I'm working on it.

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back? Hmmmmm hard one.
I try not to regret but sometimes I think about a couple things I would re do.

First thing you do when you wake up? Pee and brush my teeth.

Ever had surgery?
No......

Last argument you got into with? PiP

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles? yes.

What's one good thing about your best friend?
She's strong.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Varies.

Current song on myspace? None.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
For sure.

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you? Eh......I don't know. Maybe just for the experience

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?None.

What are you looking forward to in the next few months? Not sure. Maybe snow.......

It's midnight. Who are you texting? My best friend.

It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually? Depends.......

Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be? Have?!?! No one. Spend time with.......I don't know..... I'd have to think on this a while- Maybe John BUrroughs, maybe John Muir, Maybe Bjork, maybe someone Im not thinking of off the top of my head.

Your Christmas list consists of? Nothing b/c I won't get anything.

You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first? Thrift stores.

You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? Target. Cheap.

How do you feel about your hair? Eh. I want it cut and dyed......

What movie is in your DVD player? None atm.

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move? Hmmmmm Norway or Alaska or Ireland???

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl? Not as much as their person.

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? Um, I don't know.

How many TRUE best friends do you have? 3?

What would you change about your life right now? Eh, don't know.

What’s the best feeling in the world? Love.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Most of the time, open (unless someone is over)

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
Folded

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Back at first but tend to wake up on my side.

Are you a cuddler?
It depends.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
Nothing

Something that happened today that made you angry?
Nothing (which is surprising. I haven't actually gotten angry in a coupla weeks. Not so odd now when I think about it)

What were you doing before this survey?
Looking up how to build lean muscle mass

What will you do after the survey?
Probably piss for the hundredth time this hour

Marriage or living together?
Single

What shirt are you wearing now?
White undershirt

Do you sing?
if I do it is done poorly

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
I don't use alcohol or drugs

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I guess I talk about them but more often than not I will write about them

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
No

First thing you do when you wake up?
Smoke a cigarette

Ever had surgery?
Nope

Last argument you got into with?
A dude at a meeting who gets irrationally irate when folks use 'profanity'

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
no

What's one good thing about your best friend?
He was loving to everyone

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Usually not long but tonight is being a mother fucker

Current song on myspace?
I'm not on myspace but I use FB

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
no

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
I would need to read a lot about caring for monkeys beforehand but, yes, I would

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
BL (thankfully) doesn't have adverts

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Positive progression

It's midnight. Who are you texting?
I think I texted theartofwar

It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
My friends cafe

Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be?
Sexually? Macy Gray

Your Christmas list consists of?
I don't want anything from anyone. I have been taking from others for so long

You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
I'm not familiar with the shops in NY

You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
Macy's

How do you feel about your hair?
What hair?

What movie is in your DVD player?
There isn't one

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
Colorado

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
not much. Honesty, loyalty and a good heart is rather attractive

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Work

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
I had one but he has moved on to whatever is next after this life

What would you change about your life right now?
I'd quit these damn cigarettes

What’s the best feeling in the world?
peace

This little guy is what I put up as my new pic...they are Extremely cute but also fascinating because they essentially never 'grow up'; they physically remain in the larval Stage however continue to live and breed as an Adult.
They kinda give me hope, as throughout my life I've consistently encountered problems dealing with my Emotions/Self Image/Identity and either feel too Childish or too Old and never much in-between.
They also have an innate ability to regenerate without Scarring. So this creature is another one of Natures Metaphors, that teaches me how to survive, without dragging all my broken shit along with me.
I love the way they seem to have a permanent smile on their face. Its like their just happy to be themselves.

Lets do some background info.

This is going to be a bit of an experiment. I've never really had a blog, not one that I used on a regular basis anyways. I'm starting this blog because I think that it potentially could help me with a great many things. Hopefully it helps me keep everything thats going on in my life in perspective.

I've been a part of the bluelight community for quite some time now, like 9 years or something. The decision to use bluelight as my blog was made quite instinctually, as bluelight quite honestly has been a constant thing in my life for the past almost decade, which is crazy to think about. For better or for worse bluelight has helped shape my life. So using bluelight as a baseof operations for this blog was a very easy decision.

Ok, so I'm a 24 year old male, I've been in and out of university for the past 3 years, due largely to problems with heroin addiction. I should be done with my undergraduate degree by now and in fucking graduate school, but no, my ass had to start shooting black tar heroin, genius fucking idea.

I was exposed to drugs from a fairly early age, first smoked pot when I was 13, heroin by 15.
Got addicted by the time I was 21 to heroin.

I'm also going to try and post video updates, I'm actually going to try and post all of my updates like that. For 1 I think I'd like vlogging more anyways. Its also easier to just talk freely sometimes, instead of constantly revising and looking back after words you typed.

My next update should be a vlog, kinda doing this post again. Telling you the point of the blog and what I'll be doing.. maybe some background info as well and my plans for the near future.

TestTest

Hi, my name is: Asclepius
Never in my life have I been: Naked in Public?

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Myself.

High school was: Confusing - Difficult and Fun at the same time.
When I'm nervous: I Run Away/Become Obnoxious
The last time I cried was: 2 days ago

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: I wouldnt get Married
My hair is: Sandy
When I was 10: I used to climb on the roof of the House where no-one could find me and relish the Space.
Last Christmas: ''I gave you my heart.''..la la la
I should be: In bed
When I look down I see: Red buttons on my Sweater.
The happiest recent event was: Lying on the couch, Eating Pringles and watching a D.V.D. with someone I really care about.
If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: Peggy/Red(Depending on my Mood)
By this time next year: Im going to have learnt something different.
My current gripe is: Bladder Infections!
I have a hard time understanding: War
There's this girl I know that: has survived Cancer, she's a Gem.
You know I like you when: I can be myself around you.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Shocked and then in Hysterics, probably.
Take my advice: Live to be true to yourself.
Something that I really want to buy is: Peace of Mind!
If you visited the place I was born: You would probably be a tragic Stalker.

I plan to visit: Yellowstone National Park, sometime.

If you spend the night at my house: You'd be very Welcomed, Cosy and Snug.
I'd stop my wedding if: I realised my relatives were there(and Shoo them out!).
The world could do without: Bitchy-ness.
simplicity=being tickled

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: It's Reproductive organs.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A pack of Cigarettes.
Most recent thing someone else bought me: Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.

My favorite blonde is: Beer(Sometimes)
My favorite brunette is: My Mother
My favorite redhead is: Yosemite Sam.
My middle name is: The one after my First, before my Surname.
This morning I: was in bed and missed it.
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: People
Once, at a bar: I got bored and uncomfortable
Last night I was: watching My Cat being Gorgeous.
There's this guy I know who: is Endearingly Mad
I don't know: much about alot but Id like to.
A better name for me would be: 'Moi'

Tomorrow I am: going to be more Proactive.
Tonight I am: Filling in a Survey, Obviously!
My birthday is: not important to me.

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was:
Not to be so cynical about it.
I can sing: Like a tortured Cat.
I like a guy named: D
My best friend's name: is that of the guy I like.

Well, I found out this week that another one of my friends commiteed suicide.

I never knew at all that he was trans. FTM. I wish I did because I am as well and we could have talked and vented and helped each other as much as wecould and all that.

I knew him as a child, we went to elementry school together, long long ago before I met my current bestfriend. We were not close but we chatted here and there. He was what people would consider kind of a "bully" in school. He teased some kids but never physically hurt them.
When he was older he tracked down the ones he could to make amense for all the teasing he did.

He was living a very poisionous life at home as a young child and so he lashed out alot. Aparently not too long after I left the school Children's Aid aprehended him and he went into foster care with a very nice family who eventually adopted him. They were very nice people from the way he talked. They accepted him when he thought he was a lesbian, they supported him when he came out as trans. They truly loved him.

I lost touch with him 3 months ago, and I finally found out in the past week that he committed suicide 2 months ago after falling into a huge depression after an unknown encounter with someone.

I never asked and really don't want to know how, I have had lasting memories of too many deaths as it is.

He was only 30yrs old. He was a cancer survivor as a kid. He survived many forms of abuse as a kid.

He had sought counseling, he was talking, he was transitioning, he was out and open about who he was, he was a good guy.

I miss him. I just found him again after 20yrs just 18 months ago. He lived a world away but we talked like we were neighbours -- like bestfriends.

I hope he found his peace.


A song for all those who have ever felt down and out about themselves, for anyone who feels shuned and alone, for anyone who thinks they are anything less then "fukin' perfect"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdW5rei_5gI&feature=fvst


I all you my BL friends....

It's been a long year for several years now.

I've learned about regret.

I've learned about love.

I've learned about work.

I've learned about being a father.

I've learned about cleaning.

I've learned about what I can control.

I've learned about what I can't control.

I've learned about her.

I've learned.

I'm afraid;






I have more to learn.