Blogs

today i have 56 days.
however, i cannot wait to get realllll fucked up. i'm planning to stay clean for another 14 days and then i'm gonna have one of those city nights. some cule, k, a little oxy, smoke a little herb.. it's all thats been on my mind since i got out of rehab. of course i want to stay clean and not get back to sitting in my room all day getting high, but i want to have one night of just going out anddddd going alll out. i'm annoyed cause i missed all the rusko shows in nyc either from being a lazy drug addict or being in rehab! now i have to wait for that too. i hope what ever show i go to willl beeeeee mad liveeeeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. this isn't even really like a burning desire, it's just a hard core reservation. i haven't rolled since january, maybe once after that, and i haven't done k in monthsss and oxy 56 days. it's gonna be sooo goood.
then the day after i'm gonna get myself to a meeting!

I just want to let everyone know that I successfully used kratom to get off methadone. I was on methadone for 12 damn years! It was so hard to get off it. But the day I tried kratom, I instantly quit the methadone and never looked back. Never missed it one bit! There is apparently little cross-tolerance and I was only on 5mg of methadone at that point anyway.

I used the kratom for about 5 months, about 1/4 tsp 4 times a day as a tea. then I scaled it back over a few weeks, using 1/16th of a teaspoon per day for the last 2 weeks, and after that I just quit. I was a little bitchy and aggressive for a couple of days (which is totally out of character), but that was all. I've been totally clean for 2 weeks now and feel completely normal. No depression, no trouble sleeping, nothing. It was easy.
I'm so glad I found the kratom. I was starting to think I was going to be on methadone forever!
:D

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Both. Depends........

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
Both

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Side.
Are you a cuddler?
Sometimes.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
My bed is on the floor.

Something that happened today that made you angry? Few things.

What were you doing before this survey?
BLing.

What will you do after the survey?
Get something to munch on.

Marriage or living together? I'm married.

What shirt are you wearing now?
A Dark Teal long sleeved shirt, A Black Billie Holiday t shirt, polka dot PJ pants and knee high black and white heart socks.

Do you sing? I do..

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
I don't drink.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Mostly hide.....but I'm working on it.

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back? Hmmmmm hard one.
I try not to regret but sometimes I think about a couple things I would re do.

First thing you do when you wake up? Pee and brush my teeth.

Ever had surgery?
No......

Last argument you got into with? PiP

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles? yes.

What's one good thing about your best friend?
She's strong.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Varies.

Current song on myspace? None.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
For sure.

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you? Eh......I don't know. Maybe just for the experience

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?None.

What are you looking forward to in the next few months? Not sure. Maybe snow.......

It's midnight. Who are you texting? My best friend.

It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually? Depends.......

Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be? Have?!?! No one. Spend time with.......I don't know..... I'd have to think on this a while- Maybe John BUrroughs, maybe John Muir, Maybe Bjork, maybe someone Im not thinking of off the top of my head.

Your Christmas list consists of? Nothing b/c I won't get anything.

You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first? Thrift stores.

You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? Target. Cheap.

How do you feel about your hair? Eh. I want it cut and dyed......

What movie is in your DVD player? None atm.

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move? Hmmmmm Norway or Alaska or Ireland???

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl? Not as much as their person.

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? Um, I don't know.

How many TRUE best friends do you have? 3?

What would you change about your life right now? Eh, don't know.

What’s the best feeling in the world? Love.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Most of the time, open (unless someone is over)

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
Folded

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Back at first but tend to wake up on my side.

Are you a cuddler?
It depends.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
Nothing

Something that happened today that made you angry?
Nothing (which is surprising. I haven't actually gotten angry in a coupla weeks. Not so odd now when I think about it)

What were you doing before this survey?
Looking up how to build lean muscle mass

What will you do after the survey?
Probably piss for the hundredth time this hour

Marriage or living together?
Single

What shirt are you wearing now?
White undershirt

Do you sing?
if I do it is done poorly

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
I don't use alcohol or drugs

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I guess I talk about them but more often than not I will write about them

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
No

First thing you do when you wake up?
Smoke a cigarette

Ever had surgery?
Nope

Last argument you got into with?
A dude at a meeting who gets irrationally irate when folks use 'profanity'

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
no

What's one good thing about your best friend?
He was loving to everyone

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Usually not long but tonight is being a mother fucker

Current song on myspace?
I'm not on myspace but I use FB

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
no

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
I would need to read a lot about caring for monkeys beforehand but, yes, I would

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
BL (thankfully) doesn't have adverts

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Positive progression

It's midnight. Who are you texting?
I think I texted theartofwar

It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
My friends cafe

Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be?
Sexually? Macy Gray

Your Christmas list consists of?
I don't want anything from anyone. I have been taking from others for so long

You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
I'm not familiar with the shops in NY

You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
Macy's

How do you feel about your hair?
What hair?

What movie is in your DVD player?
There isn't one

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
Colorado

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
not much. Honesty, loyalty and a good heart is rather attractive

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Work

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
I had one but he has moved on to whatever is next after this life

What would you change about your life right now?
I'd quit these damn cigarettes

What’s the best feeling in the world?
peace

This little guy is what I put up as my new pic...they are Extremely cute but also fascinating because they essentially never 'grow up'; they physically remain in the larval Stage however continue to live and breed as an Adult.
They kinda give me hope, as throughout my life I've consistently encountered problems dealing with my Emotions/Self Image/Identity and either feel too Childish or too Old and never much in-between.
They also have an innate ability to regenerate without Scarring. So this creature is another one of Natures Metaphors, that teaches me how to survive, without dragging all my broken shit along with me.
I love the way they seem to have a permanent smile on their face. Its like their just happy to be themselves.

Lets do some background info.

This is going to be a bit of an experiment. I've never really had a blog, not one that I used on a regular basis anyways. I'm starting this blog because I think that it potentially could help me with a great many things. Hopefully it helps me keep everything thats going on in my life in perspective.

I've been a part of the bluelight community for quite some time now, like 9 years or something. The decision to use bluelight as my blog was made quite instinctually, as bluelight quite honestly has been a constant thing in my life for the past almost decade, which is crazy to think about. For better or for worse bluelight has helped shape my life. So using bluelight as a baseof operations for this blog was a very easy decision.

Ok, so I'm a 24 year old male, I've been in and out of university for the past 3 years, due largely to problems with heroin addiction. I should be done with my undergraduate degree by now and in fucking graduate school, but no, my ass had to start shooting black tar heroin, genius fucking idea.

I was exposed to drugs from a fairly early age, first smoked pot when I was 13, heroin by 15.
Got addicted by the time I was 21 to heroin.

I'm also going to try and post video updates, I'm actually going to try and post all of my updates like that. For 1 I think I'd like vlogging more anyways. Its also easier to just talk freely sometimes, instead of constantly revising and looking back after words you typed.

My next update should be a vlog, kinda doing this post again. Telling you the point of the blog and what I'll be doing.. maybe some background info as well and my plans for the near future.

TestTest

Hi, my name is: Asclepius
Never in my life have I been: Naked in Public?

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Myself.

High school was: Confusing - Difficult and Fun at the same time.
When I'm nervous: I Run Away/Become Obnoxious
The last time I cried was: 2 days ago

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: I wouldnt get Married
My hair is: Sandy
When I was 10: I used to climb on the roof of the House where no-one could find me and relish the Space.
Last Christmas: ''I gave you my heart.''..la la la
I should be: In bed
When I look down I see: Red buttons on my Sweater.
The happiest recent event was: Lying on the couch, Eating Pringles and watching a D.V.D. with someone I really care about.
If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: Peggy/Red(Depending on my Mood)
By this time next year: Im going to have learnt something different.
My current gripe is: Bladder Infections!
I have a hard time understanding: War
There's this girl I know that: has survived Cancer, she's a Gem.
You know I like you when: I can be myself around you.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Shocked and then in Hysterics, probably.
Take my advice: Live to be true to yourself.
Something that I really want to buy is: Peace of Mind!
If you visited the place I was born: You would probably be a tragic Stalker.

I plan to visit: Yellowstone National Park, sometime.

If you spend the night at my house: You'd be very Welcomed, Cosy and Snug.
I'd stop my wedding if: I realised my relatives were there(and Shoo them out!).
The world could do without: Bitchy-ness.
simplicity=being tickled

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: It's Reproductive organs.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A pack of Cigarettes.
Most recent thing someone else bought me: Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.

My favorite blonde is: Beer(Sometimes)
My favorite brunette is: My Mother
My favorite redhead is: Yosemite Sam.
My middle name is: The one after my First, before my Surname.
This morning I: was in bed and missed it.
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: People
Once, at a bar: I got bored and uncomfortable
Last night I was: watching My Cat being Gorgeous.
There's this guy I know who: is Endearingly Mad
I don't know: much about alot but Id like to.
A better name for me would be: 'Moi'

Tomorrow I am: going to be more Proactive.
Tonight I am: Filling in a Survey, Obviously!
My birthday is: not important to me.

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was:
Not to be so cynical about it.
I can sing: Like a tortured Cat.
I like a guy named: D
My best friend's name: is that of the guy I like.

Well, I found out this week that another one of my friends commiteed suicide.

I never knew at all that he was trans. FTM. I wish I did because I am as well and we could have talked and vented and helped each other as much as wecould and all that.

I knew him as a child, we went to elementry school together, long long ago before I met my current bestfriend. We were not close but we chatted here and there. He was what people would consider kind of a "bully" in school. He teased some kids but never physically hurt them.
When he was older he tracked down the ones he could to make amense for all the teasing he did.

He was living a very poisionous life at home as a young child and so he lashed out alot. Aparently not too long after I left the school Children's Aid aprehended him and he went into foster care with a very nice family who eventually adopted him. They were very nice people from the way he talked. They accepted him when he thought he was a lesbian, they supported him when he came out as trans. They truly loved him.

I lost touch with him 3 months ago, and I finally found out in the past week that he committed suicide 2 months ago after falling into a huge depression after an unknown encounter with someone.

I never asked and really don't want to know how, I have had lasting memories of too many deaths as it is.

He was only 30yrs old. He was a cancer survivor as a kid. He survived many forms of abuse as a kid.

He had sought counseling, he was talking, he was transitioning, he was out and open about who he was, he was a good guy.

I miss him. I just found him again after 20yrs just 18 months ago. He lived a world away but we talked like we were neighbours -- like bestfriends.

I hope he found his peace.


A song for all those who have ever felt down and out about themselves, for anyone who feels shuned and alone, for anyone who thinks they are anything less then "fukin' perfect"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdW5rei_5gI&feature=fvst


I all you my BL friends....

It's been a long year for several years now.

I've learned about regret.

I've learned about love.

I've learned about work.

I've learned about being a father.

I've learned about cleaning.

I've learned about what I can control.

I've learned about what I can't control.

I've learned about her.

I've learned.

I'm afraid;






I have more to learn.

So, I have always heard this dripping between my ceiling and the upstairs neighbors floor. Last night, I heard my neighbors running the shower and the dripping, which is in my closet, was significantly more pronounced.

Because of this I have been motivated to move all my clothes out of the closet, organize everything into their appropriate drawers, vacuum, mop my floors and dust.

I won't call the landlord until tomorrow because that is when my apartment will be spotless.

I'm 45 days clean today and when I was using my place was FILTHY. When I am clean, typically my surroundings are clean but I have been procrastinating. Now I am making the effort to get my shit proper. For me, environment and atmosphere is important but it takes some application of this thought to get shit the way it should be.

I'm recognizing changes in my behavior of late. I am now taking somewhat of an immediate action to those things that I used to simply put off until 'tomorrow'.

'Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities we were actually creating our own problems.'
--NA (Why Are We Here?)

The above quote holds true for anyone. I see this problem and I am addressing it now. A little effort now will spare MUCH aggravation later.

aint no one iller then me.

Just wanted to invite all Bluelighters to visit my blog, "Just Say Know: The Truth About Drugs". Content includes weekly Q&A, drug news, upcoming events, polls and much more.

My following is modest but growing at this point. I think the content would appeal to all informed drug users and certainly people on this forum.

To have your question featured on my blog, email [email protected] or private message me on this site. All questions are anonymous or attributed to specified pseudonyms.

Have a great day! :D

crystal meth the name says it all! your rocks should be crystal clear, put it into your glass, melt it and roll it around. Let it freeze up then put your glass up to the light, when you look through at your gear all you want to see is straight lines ( verticle, horizontal, diagonal) as long as they are all straight lines then your gear is about 80-90% pure. if you can see curved lines it will only be about 65-70%, if you can see speckles or spots it will be 45-65%. if you have trouble freezing it up or it just dissapears go get your money back!!!! if you get good shit 80-90% and hit it hard for days, no sleep no food just ice you will see blue blotches everywhere. This is what you call blue acid this is what you want!!!

While away in Greece last year I met more then a few relatives I wasn't even aware I had. I was there for 3 months, and have had many a aunt, great aunt, 2nd uncle something or other try and explain the concept in this chart to me. While I have no doubt they stated (over & over) their cases clearly, It wasn't until I found this chart (just now) I really had no fucking clue what any of them were babbling on about (hey, its all greek to you amirite?hrmf). See attached:

I am new to site and cant wait to figure out how it all works when it comes to pills and espially opiates or prison life or astronomy I can possibly be of use for anyone wanting info I am a mechanic and welder also I have been to heaven and hell well now dont anyone get that messed up with religion for I like reading richard dawkins I say with out religion the ignorant would have little to do hope that dont get me in trouble here I am excited about joining bl it will help my bordom and the site seems to be a wealth of info want to get to bl status damn it !

There's something about the way these cards are playing out that just feels wrong to me. I don't understand why my favorite game is haunting me.

I feel demeaned but I can't quite form the view, it's just the subtle differences in respect and conversation between you two that seems to scream in subversive suggestion, though I played you to make me feel alright he still hasn't come through.

Irrational as these fears may be, I still believe in the you and me cause I want it to be and not for the fear to conquer me so please pardon the construction while we make changes in order to bring you better service.

My agravation has been high this past 3 months and I have had the urge to drink or steal some meds from my ex. I also live in a community where ANY drug is readily available at any given time.

I am being strong. My brother and I have always been competative in everything, my oldest that is -- he is 11yrs older. Well he started reading at 4yrs old, I started at 3yrs old. He went to college, I went to college (the only one so far that neither has "won"). He is 5yrs clean (Drugs & Alcohol), I am 6yrs clean (with 1 slip last year) with alcohol and 1yr clean of drugs & pills.

I think I might need something for my agitation, stress, anger, and anxiety. I think I might have slight paranoia. I am functioning normal and have normal days, I just get nervous around people and certian situations.

I sorta came out of the closet with being trans. There was a Facebook survey "50 things about me" and it was one of my I don't give a fuck days and was honest. No one has said anything about it at all, truth be told I don't think its much of a suprise. I have been dressing like a guy all my life, I have been tomboyish all my life, I have looked boyish, I act nutural, I don't identify as anything.
I have great friends and all, so I guess that I'm lucky.

I might keep my hair the way it is for now since it's very cold out.

Well, don't know what else to write so I'm outta here. %)

I'm thinking that I may say goodbye to BL for a bit.

I pretty much only hang in TDS and Blogs but I get this odd feeling from TDS nowadays. Can't really put my finger on it but it was triggered by a comment from someone I value and respect that I am certain was directed to me that had no basis on fact. This happened a while ago and I've been stewing in it ever since.

Too sensitive? Yes, yes I am... I respect the person who suspected that my friendliness was something more than that.

Fuck it... so I give a shit about people... there is such a thing as simple friendship and care between the sexes. I don't flirt with other men's women. (hah... this perceived accusation is so fucking ridiculous on so many levels that its frustrating, painful and laughable at the same time)

I'm making HUGE strides in becoming a better person but I sense that people are more inclined to like me when I am completely broken and fucked. If this is the case... I'd rather not be liked...

I'm finally feeling good about myself again. I've applied effort, felt pain and suffered in order to make positive changes in my life. It didn't just fall in my lap.

Of course I'll be back. When? Shit... BL is addicting so who knows?

Another reason for stepping off is because I need to be balanced. Due to work, I'm unable to make as many meetings that I am accustomed to. I need a balance between my 'complete abstinence' and the time spent reading about the drugs that I love so much.

We'll see... I'm one of those folks who flip flops with his decisions for a while before committing to a final course of action

...feels good.

Now that I'm working again I feel more productive and of some sort of value. I'm walking taller and generally feel at peace.

I was originally concerned that work would drastically affect my meeting attendance and throw me into an off kilter state of mind but it hasn't. I realize that three or four meetings a week in various areas is good for me.

Its nice to be respected at a new (old) job. I've earned respect quickly and necessary, positive changes to the pizzeria are coming along in a speedy fashion.

As far as BL is concerned, I'm choosing to lurk more and hang in Blogs again. I love TDS but I feel that I may come off as preachy. This is not my intent so i need to figure a way to choose my words more carefully and not take things so personally.

Anyway, its nice to feel good most of the time.

i dont know what to do

everything is just wrong with this situation. im so confused and scared and terribly distraught.

my daughter's father was hardly ever in her life until this past year. not even a year...he didnt even see her last christmas. but since a lengthy phone conversation that was full of his sorrys and wants in febuary i let him back into her life.
now things have changed for the worse between him and i and he doesnt know how to handle it. he's new to the sharing of a kid thing and isnt considering her at all. she visits with him on the weekends and i keep her during the school week.

today is halloween and we both wanted to take her trick or treating but didnt communicate very well on what our plans were. i had asked him a week prior but he said he would talk to me later (a usual response). but he didnt and i subconsciously assumed she would be with me because he's never asked for her before. the last time he went with her him and i were still together...she was one...and i had to convince him to go by promising it wouldnt take too long.

it wasnt until friday when i dropped her off that the plans we both had for her clashed. we tried to work something out but it just didnt work out right.
today i was more than willing to take her for a little bit and then switch off. an hour tops for both. but he didnt like that idea and decided to cuss a lot more. i asked him to stop, said he was acting like a child (bad move i know), that we could work this out for both of us. he said to forget it. that he'd see me in court. that im going to lose malaura. that ill never see her again.
i know he cant do this but it still sucks to have someone out to get you. he said he wanted to screw up my life in any way he can. im paid under the table at the g-parents place and he said he's going to report them for tax fraud.

i asked him if he thought i was a bad mother and he didnt answer. i told him he couldnt take her away from me if he couldnt prove i was a bad mother.

i told him not to do this to her, that she needs both of us to work together for her. that she doesnt need her parents fighting over her. isnt it glorious to have so many love her? why take away the only constant she's ever had? i love her with the entirety of my soul. i would die for her. even if some how he was able to get her i would do anything and everything in my power to get her back through the court system. if they told me to jump off a bridge i would without hesitation.

what hurts worse is that i let him back in and he does this. not out of protection for her but out of spite for me. he hates me and he lets that guide his decisions. all ive ever wanted was for him to be in her life...and now he's trying to ruin mine. all because we messed up on halloween plans.

take me to your dealer

have you guys had times where you went to another culture, and it was like a totally different culture?

i grew up all white and middle class, but through university i made a friend fellow who happens to be lower income, and i have visited his house a few times

im not racist but i am classist (moneyist), my parents are wealthy and i feel an elite sense of superiority towards the lower classes, having grown up with knives and forks and a washing machine. their rampant drug use, rampant religion, rampant n******, always irks me

so n e way this dude he has a gf, who lives a couple apartments down and she has a bf (she has till christmas to get back with him only lol), and he also has another "not main" gf he's just using for money that he lives with, who's really fat so he doesnt even wanna tap it "that much" (lol)

yeah now i feel bad for the somalians, cuz he had a few phones but apparently really needs an android, and hes upset about that. and somalians probly can only get up to the most mediocre camera phones

i played XBOX with some black kids there, it was def a cultural experience. idk how lower income people make it with such a laggy connection. i have a new more broadened perspective now i think

(1) About a gram of high-grade, locally grown indoor cannabis (unknown strain, probably indica dominant), smoked in a joint, at home alone on a Friday after an exhausting day at work.

Body feels a good deal heavier than it had ought, with a particular weight upon the head and shoulders, a disposition between tension and relaxation. A dulling of the senses in the manner of opiates, but not quite as strong, and with the slightest tinge of synaesthesia. A decrease in the salience of visual inputs and of quantitative informational ones and increase in the salience of auditory and qualitative ones. Looseness of association and increasing abstraction. Affect expansive yet blunted. Sense of time slowed and made more exquisite. The dulling of the sentences proceeds to a dulling of the intellect, but not to the sense of the aesthetic. Much the opposite. Music is sublime. Abstract thought intrinsically gorgeous. Then, there are dark undercurrents, which begin to predominate. A certain broodiness. Paranoid edges to a generalized abstraction. After the peak, it is all negative. A headache, impaired recall, alogia, agoraphobia. A physical feeling of tiredness, but difficulty sleeping.

(2) A medium-sized joint, smoked, same material as above. Alone, at home, tired after work and having enjoyed a pleasant dinner and a few cocktals with a good friend. Listening to The Essential Bob Dylan.

I am smiling for no reason—smiling in response to inner stimuli, if I were to put it clinically. There is a softening and a barely perceptable synesthetic blurring of the senses and a lengthening of the sense of time. There is a dulling of the intellectual sense and a heightening of the aesthetic one. There is an erotic tinge to things. There is a sense of familiarity, of something long known, in some abstracted way. Everything feels a bit more abstracted, there is a general haziness to my perception. But it is a pleasant intoxication. The better part of it is over in forty-five minutes, or so, and then a predomination of the more physical aspects—hunger and a body tiredness. There is a mild urge to redose, but redosing is never as satisfying as going there from baseline.