This is something i posted in an anxiety facebook group in 2008, regarding my experience with panic attacks. Thought i would share it.
Back story: [Wrote in late 2008] I grew up with a pretty passive & negative attitude. This sucked because when I got bullied in school I would hold in all of my emotions and pretend things weren’t happening. I wouldn’t stand up for myself...and i still kind of have problems with being assertive. Self-confidence was definitely NOT a strong part of my personality. And still to this day I worry a lot about what people think of me. It is uncontrollable because it is me. So that was my personality type. Then when I was 19 & 20 I began going to raves and doing ecstasy. I did some every weekend and sometimes on weekdays but then in November of 2007 i had my first panic attack. It woke me up when i was trying to sleep after going clubbing all night. I had no idea what it was, but i just remember being very scared and thinking i was dying. After the first one i started having them about once a week for no apparent reason. Then in February i had a panic attack while i was on ecstasy. Convinced that i would die, i walked to the hospital to get medicated and go to sleep. I researched what was happening to me and i discovered it was called “panic disorder”. And now it was happening to me every day, disrupting work and taking over my thoughts. I quit doing e for about 4 months and noticed my panic attacks had subsided. Then in July i hit e again for one night but had a fantastic time. But a few days later my panic attacks recurred, up to 5 times per day! It was getting so bad that i had to learn some de-stress breathing techniques and read some books to help me cope.
I believe that i already had the personality type to develop panic disorder (since a few of my relatives have coped in their younger years), but i think that doing ecstasy only enhanced it, making it come sooner and way more intense. As well as it opened my mind to unusual thoughts that i have to deal with everyday.
Anyways, long story even longer, here’s a list of everything that happens to me related to panic attacks:
When i get them:
• When i work out
• when i dance intensely
• when i feel like people are looking at me • when i feel self conscious
• when i'm driving
• when i'm home alone
• when i'm sick
• when i'm too hot
• when i'm too cold
• when i'm thirsty
• when i eat too much
• when i'm sleeping
• when i watch scary and action movies (“Running Scared” was a major one!)
• when i drink coffee, energy drinks, and alcohol
• when i do ecstasy
• when i try new medicines
• when i try new foods/beverages
• when i try new makeup and shampoo (for some reason i think i'll be allergic to them)
• when i used hydroxycut
• when i have overwhelming anger or upset
• when i get too excited about something (like happy excited)
• when i'm in the shower
• after sex or orgasm (it’s happened like 3 times)
What happens physically:
• get a tingly sensation that seems to begin my pelvic area and spreads rapidly through the rest of my body
• pupils dialate and my eyes are wide open
• skin turns pale
• i get “ghost” pains like chest pain, shooting pain in my arm, stomach upset, headaches, etc.
• hands shake
• hands, feet, arms seem to go numb
• i get fidgety
• i look sketched out (eyes darting all over the place)
• i touch my face alot
• check my pulse often
• heart races
• breathing is laboured
What i think and see:
• looking in a mirror i see my veins more prominent
• i think my blemishes are more prominent
• my eyes look huge
• sometimes think my hands are shriveling
• i think people are watching me
• i think i'm having a heart attack
• or a stroke
• or i'm dehydrated
• or i drank too much water
• i almost feel like i’m about to enter a hallucinatory state
• i generally feel like i'm gonna die somehow
• i feel like everyone can see that i'm freaking out so i check the mirror often to see if i look crazy
How i cope during an attack:
• attempting to breathe slower and deeper
• distracting myself with tasks
• phoning my best friend
•asking friends if the color of my hands is ok (this one i usually do when i’m high because i keep thinking i don’t have enough oxygen and my hands are turning blue)
• "playing the pianos" (trick with my hands that for some reason reminds me that i can't be having a stroke)
• moving every part of my body to make sure it all still works
• not fighting my panic attack, letting it happen but reminding myself that i'm as healthy as can be
Irrational thoughts and fears i've developed because of panic attacks (but can control):
• that if i eat too much chocolate i’ll become diabetic (i never ate that much anyways)
•if i hear a song about death, it is a sign that i might die at that moment
•that i will become schizophrenic
• that i'm drinking too many fluids and my brain will swell despite the fact that i usually don't drink enough fluids (if anything)
•i'm always thinking of death: for example, there was one time when i was driving home from a rave and the sun was coming up. It was the most beautiful sight i've ever seen. I didn't have a panic attack in this scenario. But i started thinking to myself "what if this is a sign, what if this is the last thing i will see before i die in a car accident? Nobody sees things this amazing unless they are about to die"
**different thoughts like this come to me daily and are related to nothing most of the time**
Plus i'm trying to deal with a problem i'm having lately where i fear that i am allergic to everything! From makeup & shampoo to any new food i try, i always think "what if i'm allergic?" it's ridiculous! And hard to fight...
Lifestyle changes I’ve made to help prevent and cope with panic attacks:
• avoid caffeine (coffee, energy drinks, pop)
• don't drink alcohol
• eat a healthy diet
• make sure i get regular doctor check-ups to assure me that i have good health
• talk about panic attacks openly and with everyone. I don’t care if they think i’m nuts.
• i NEVER try to avoid situations where i am prone to panic attacks (i avoided dancing for 3 months until i realized that i'm letting my panic control my life. So i got back on the dance floor, with difficulty the first few times, and now i rarely get them at the club and i can enjoy dancing.)
This post is old now and things are different. After that last episode of doing ecstasy in July ’08 i actually never touched it again till sometime in the spring of ’09 when i met my current boyfriend. I took all that time in between to read books and get control over my anxiety.
Now i never have panic attacks. There are very rarely times where i get anxious. My e usage is now down to once every 2 months or so (summer i did a little more), and i only do pure TESTED mdma capsules. And as time goes it will become less and less that i do mdma at all again. I read all the stuff above and couldn’t believe it was me experiencing all of that. I used to feel so disassociated and disconnected with myself back then, like i had no control over my thoughts and actions, like i was going crazy. Looking back on it now it almost seems like it never happened.
Back story: [Wrote in late 2008] I grew up with a pretty passive & negative attitude. This sucked because when I got bullied in school I would hold in all of my emotions and pretend things weren’t happening. I wouldn’t stand up for myself...and i still kind of have problems with being assertive. Self-confidence was definitely NOT a strong part of my personality. And still to this day I worry a lot about what people think of me. It is uncontrollable because it is me. So that was my personality type. Then when I was 19 & 20 I began going to raves and doing ecstasy. I did some every weekend and sometimes on weekdays but then in November of 2007 i had my first panic attack. It woke me up when i was trying to sleep after going clubbing all night. I had no idea what it was, but i just remember being very scared and thinking i was dying. After the first one i started having them about once a week for no apparent reason. Then in February i had a panic attack while i was on ecstasy. Convinced that i would die, i walked to the hospital to get medicated and go to sleep. I researched what was happening to me and i discovered it was called “panic disorder”. And now it was happening to me every day, disrupting work and taking over my thoughts. I quit doing e for about 4 months and noticed my panic attacks had subsided. Then in July i hit e again for one night but had a fantastic time. But a few days later my panic attacks recurred, up to 5 times per day! It was getting so bad that i had to learn some de-stress breathing techniques and read some books to help me cope.
I believe that i already had the personality type to develop panic disorder (since a few of my relatives have coped in their younger years), but i think that doing ecstasy only enhanced it, making it come sooner and way more intense. As well as it opened my mind to unusual thoughts that i have to deal with everyday.
Anyways, long story even longer, here’s a list of everything that happens to me related to panic attacks:
When i get them:
• When i work out
• when i dance intensely
• when i feel like people are looking at me • when i feel self conscious
• when i'm driving
• when i'm home alone
• when i'm sick
• when i'm too hot
• when i'm too cold
• when i'm thirsty
• when i eat too much
• when i'm sleeping
• when i watch scary and action movies (“Running Scared” was a major one!)
• when i drink coffee, energy drinks, and alcohol
• when i do ecstasy
• when i try new medicines
• when i try new foods/beverages
• when i try new makeup and shampoo (for some reason i think i'll be allergic to them)
• when i used hydroxycut
• when i have overwhelming anger or upset
• when i get too excited about something (like happy excited)
• when i'm in the shower
• after sex or orgasm (it’s happened like 3 times)
What happens physically:
• get a tingly sensation that seems to begin my pelvic area and spreads rapidly through the rest of my body
• pupils dialate and my eyes are wide open
• skin turns pale
• i get “ghost” pains like chest pain, shooting pain in my arm, stomach upset, headaches, etc.
• hands shake
• hands, feet, arms seem to go numb
• i get fidgety
• i look sketched out (eyes darting all over the place)
• i touch my face alot
• check my pulse often
• heart races
• breathing is laboured
What i think and see:
• looking in a mirror i see my veins more prominent
• i think my blemishes are more prominent
• my eyes look huge
• sometimes think my hands are shriveling
• i think people are watching me
• i think i'm having a heart attack
• or a stroke
• or i'm dehydrated
• or i drank too much water
• i almost feel like i’m about to enter a hallucinatory state
• i generally feel like i'm gonna die somehow
• i feel like everyone can see that i'm freaking out so i check the mirror often to see if i look crazy
How i cope during an attack:
• attempting to breathe slower and deeper
• distracting myself with tasks
• phoning my best friend
•asking friends if the color of my hands is ok (this one i usually do when i’m high because i keep thinking i don’t have enough oxygen and my hands are turning blue)
• "playing the pianos" (trick with my hands that for some reason reminds me that i can't be having a stroke)
• moving every part of my body to make sure it all still works
• not fighting my panic attack, letting it happen but reminding myself that i'm as healthy as can be
Irrational thoughts and fears i've developed because of panic attacks (but can control):
• that if i eat too much chocolate i’ll become diabetic (i never ate that much anyways)
•if i hear a song about death, it is a sign that i might die at that moment
•that i will become schizophrenic
• that i'm drinking too many fluids and my brain will swell despite the fact that i usually don't drink enough fluids (if anything)
•i'm always thinking of death: for example, there was one time when i was driving home from a rave and the sun was coming up. It was the most beautiful sight i've ever seen. I didn't have a panic attack in this scenario. But i started thinking to myself "what if this is a sign, what if this is the last thing i will see before i die in a car accident? Nobody sees things this amazing unless they are about to die"
**different thoughts like this come to me daily and are related to nothing most of the time**
Plus i'm trying to deal with a problem i'm having lately where i fear that i am allergic to everything! From makeup & shampoo to any new food i try, i always think "what if i'm allergic?" it's ridiculous! And hard to fight...
Lifestyle changes I’ve made to help prevent and cope with panic attacks:
• avoid caffeine (coffee, energy drinks, pop)
• don't drink alcohol
• eat a healthy diet
• make sure i get regular doctor check-ups to assure me that i have good health
• talk about panic attacks openly and with everyone. I don’t care if they think i’m nuts.
• i NEVER try to avoid situations where i am prone to panic attacks (i avoided dancing for 3 months until i realized that i'm letting my panic control my life. So i got back on the dance floor, with difficulty the first few times, and now i rarely get them at the club and i can enjoy dancing.)
This post is old now and things are different. After that last episode of doing ecstasy in July ’08 i actually never touched it again till sometime in the spring of ’09 when i met my current boyfriend. I took all that time in between to read books and get control over my anxiety.
Now i never have panic attacks. There are very rarely times where i get anxious. My e usage is now down to once every 2 months or so (summer i did a little more), and i only do pure TESTED mdma capsules. And as time goes it will become less and less that i do mdma at all again. I read all the stuff above and couldn’t believe it was me experiencing all of that. I used to feel so disassociated and disconnected with myself back then, like i had no control over my thoughts and actions, like i was going crazy. Looking back on it now it almost seems like it never happened.