Blogs

Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked

We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings

Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes

Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this

The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder

We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground

The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter


—Charles Bukowski


“And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard, born out of that”

I love that. I think Bukowski can turn the feeling of a whole poem around with a single line.

Time I started a trip diary!
1)
Butter from very roughly 7g leaf made into a cake with almond flour
Puff the magic dragon
Got up for a glass of water, greened out
Square patterns
mostly life love and the universe
Worked hard at trying to remember with mnemonics, but it wasn't very successful
2)
Butter from approx 7g leaf made into butter icing plus a bit of lemon juice eta I had also had 30 mg mph a few hours before, but it didn't make much difference
Sand man
Decided better to stay still, but had dry mouth pretty bad.
levels, bubble theory in a big way, fractals and some connectedness
3)
Butter from approx 7g as before, but a bit later, and onset was more immediate
Boom?
Again stayed still, dry mouth not so bad this time
Even less immersive than before, more just inspired thinking, hardly like dreaming at all.
Started out as very jumbled nonsense thoughts, but settled into more logical thinking as the high kicked in properly.
Visuals not as dramatic, except 'eyelid' patterns coloured and clearly inspiring dream state, annoying type of insomnia but:
Lots of info this time What was that pesky mnemonic?
Let there be light, no,
dimensions - nausea is from changing level of consciousness, equivalent of changing dimension.
Dimensions, one dimension, zeroes and ones, strung out in a line, like in old TV screens, making 2d image. Is this, in 3d, string theory?
Light and dark = ones and zeroes
Douglas adams, What is the ultimate question of life the universe and everything. I always knew that guy was a genius!
Everything is connected

One of the best live performances I’ve seen by anyone. And I’d never heard of AFI until a couple of years ago. This seems appropriate given what’s happening around the world.



Of late, it's harder just to go outside
To leave this deadspace with hatred, so alive
Writhing with sickness, thrown into banality, I decay
Killed by the weakness, but forced to return, turn it off

I watch the stars as they fall from the sky
I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying
I feel the fallen stars encircle me, now as they cry

Out there, so quickly, grows malignant tribes
Posthuman extinction excels unrecognized
Feeling surrounded, so bored with mortality, I decay
All of this hatred is fucking real, turn it on... Yeah

I watch the stars as they fall from the sky
I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying
I feel the fallen stars encircle me, now as they cry

It won't be all right despite what they say
Just watch the stars tonight as they, as they disappear, disintegrate
And I disintegrate 'cause this hate is fucking real
And I hope to shade the world as stars go out and I disintegrate

“Australia is a burning nation led by cowards,” wrote the leading broadcaster Hugh Riminton, speaking for many. To which he might have added “idiots,” after Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack blamed the fires on exploding horse manure.

Such are those who would open the gates of hell and lead a nation to commit climate suicide.

Stories? Long term insights?Misgivings? How do you believe you are different now?

This guy I saw for the last few days/nights just did my head in worse than meth ever has. I was in a full-on shit relationship with a paranoid control freak by Day 3 lol.

Yeah, full pound of the blue stuff!

I'm drunk. I know I'm drunk. But it's not FAIR. (And I can taste bullshit as I say this in my head. "No one ever said life is fair. Who promised us a fair life?" I say I say this in the bullshit workshops I claim to teach but I haven't really taught too many workshops. I have taught, I realize, even as I type this [I am constantly selling myself short, I meta-realize], more than I give myself credit...and every moment I open my mouth, I teach or learn or both...but I digress as us storytellers are wont to do...)

What isn't...what wasn't fair...oh...him. Yes. Ugh...My heart skips again. Dammit.

Yes...I don't have the energy for details. Not now. Not today...I'm still too close to the smoldering destruction. My head is high because I can ignore the searing Pain; it is now mostly pretend Pain and will ebb within the next few days to be replaced by Rage, and then Indignation before Contempt. The twin sisters of Forgiveness and Dismissiveness often arrive so close I cannot discern them one from the other.

In short, he arrived in brilliant light to lift me from my darkness. Perhaps, the fact he...may have been a spark - and I grew exponentially brighter in his presence - terrified him...maybe he was a fraud all along. Those of you who have read "The Devil With Love" by Robert Nathan may know what I mean...

Anyway...he showed up and showered me with love...he was magnificent.

And then he ghosted me.

After shattering my sorrow, giving me hope...after opening my old ass geriatric eyes to the idea love could possibly find me...and yes, I'm nowhere near old nor geriatric and even though I call myself raisin, I look like my sister's mother which is less an insult to me looking older than her and more to the fact it is obvious I am older than 25 but my sister is supermodel gorgeous and THANK YOU for thinking I'm her mother, actually, I'm her sister, our mother looks like an animated scarecrow zombie but thank you for the compliment.

And that's another reason why December continues to be the worst and most horrific month of the year for me. When I'm rich enough, I'll go into my bomb shelter just after Thanksgiving and come out after Three Kings'.

Fuck this.

Also...thanks, ya jackass. Just when my tiny, shivering, meekass heart thought it. was safe, way to Hiroshima that lil' beet. Fuck you, you beautiful ass narcissicist pansy bitch. And fuck you for ruining The Witcher for me, ASSHOLE.

I liken turkey. It's good.
Sometimes I put cranberries on it.
I like mashed potatoes too. Gravy is nice.
Dinner rolls are nice too.
Apple pie is yummy. Even better with a scoop of vaniller ice cream.
Canada has Thanksgiving in September, that's weird.

I posted like a maniac to get to 50 posts and become a Bluelighter and BLOG. You see, I’m an old-school web user and I HATE all these Wordpress, Blogger, Weebly, Blahhhh sites. I don’t want the fancy header and the fifty layouts and networking features that “guarantee to grow my business and maximise my exposure on the web”. I don’t want thousands of followers and to be an “influencer”. I have no business and don’t want to sell anything. I do have a university degree in Marketing though, which I’ve contemplated burning. I don’t even really care who sees my shit, if anyone. I do like the *potential* of someone seeing it though. I write/post stuff on a few other rare sites which aren’t huge wankfests.

Often I like to just post songs and lyrics, which is incredibly boring for most other people to see, but I just like it. It’s some sort of creativity and expression where I don’t have to be very creative or expressive heh.

Anyway, my mother is talking on the phone and I cannot think. I will no doubt mention my mother a bit.. She’s almost 80 and batshit crazy. Not as in dementia or Alzheimer’s or anything, just more neurotic than anyone I’ve ever known, inconsistent and just *weird*.

So here’s a song I feel like posting. Probably our finest export.

....I wouldn't recommend it.

Doing what feels like the obvious right thing to do can have massive implications on you and the people around you.

What to you and most logical folks may appear to be a clean cut and dry murder, may only be manslaughter in the eyes of a prosecutor facing off with a high profile criminal defense attorney.

Then, all of a sudden- That 25 to Life that you thought you'd have to figure out your own life and find a new place to live is slashed to a mere 12 years with good behavior.

Realize that by trying to save more innocent victims, you may be sacrificing your own life, and the lives of those around you.

And you may have to spend the rest of your life recalculating if you did the right thing or not.

I'm sure as hell still not sure.

...More later

I don?t have anything eloquent to write, but I am feeling shattered. After struggling for two years with aggression issues, I surrendered my Cat to a no kill shelter today. She was with me for 6 years, 4 of which were lovely and calm.

You were incredibly smart, and sweet. I loved when you?d sit atop my shoulders, play fetch, and wake me every morning with purrs and cuddles. You demanded belly rubs twice a day, like clockwork. You knew when I was sad and would comfort me in those times.


She began to attack me, I believe it was redirected aggression but towards the end I couldn?t even walk out of my bedroom without being bitten, hissed at, or herded. I?ve gone to urgent care 6 times for steroids, antibiotics and wound treatment for the infected puncture wounds she inflicted. I tried medication, Prozac, Xanax, feliway, herbal treatments. Blocking windows and outside stimulation. Positive reinforcement. It felt like she just lost her mind towards the end - one minute curled up on my chest and the other growling spitting and latched onto my leg. The last week was the worst, she wouldn?t sleep and I couldn?t leave my bed without thick jeans and heavy boots covering my legs. I don?t know why but she seemed to not even know who I was.
I don?t know what happened inside your mind, but I do hope you find peace my baby girl. I love you so much. This is so hard - I never thought I?d lose you this way. Thank you for loving me, for making me feel so loved. I hope one day I can find another spirit as bright and unique as yours to keep me company, but for now I can?t bear to think about another pet.
My heart will always be with you, I am so sorry I couldn?t help you find peace. It hurts so much right now, but this has to be better for the both of us eventually, because I think deep down you didn?t want to be hurting me.
love.

Call it a hiatus. A sabbatical. I am leaving here. I want you to know I think psychedelic medicine can really benefit humanity and my journey may have me visiting it however I need to abstain from all other drugs as I am in recovery for life.

Best wishes.

Peace, love, unity.

Did a fart in my car.

Hmm well we dont have the fancy drop and drag image uploader in the lounge like blogs has.This really grinds my gears. pp pics could be so easy!

And just think about how many filthy boobs are going unposted do to this atrocity !

Now you shall forever have to see my Korean era army trench coat in blogs!!!

But I finally did eeeeet

I rowte a blawwwwwguh!


Now bow before me ye wimpy wristed Whyte whore washer

Oml crimmas lights are too far complex an object for a simpleton like me. If 1 bulb goes out in the strand, the whole things facked ! 2 and half hours later you find the culprit bulb, only for its shit for brains homie to burn out 15 minutes later, FACK YOU HOODLUM BULB! And fuses.. Dont even get me started on fuses!

But I still love Crimmas, as long as the lassies do the work.

I wanna write. Not about trap houses and long waits in parking lots. Not even about pushing the plunger and sending a rig full of D plunging into my vien. Nah i want to write about purpose. The reason i get out of bed in the morning these days.

Ali is my reason. I love the smell she leaves in the bed. Or when she borrows my shirts. Just those little moments when you realize damn this is real. Im on cloud fucking 9.

Her body is a wonderland i want to spend the rest of my life exploring. She gives me butterflies everytime i look in her eyes. We talk for hours with no awkward breaks or pauses. She is extremely intelligent and she knows it. But i trust her explicitly.

Im trying to realize that i do bring things to the table. I have a decent job. I pay for our place and all her expenses. But mostly im a good guy whos been through enough shit tO finally understand some fundamental truths about myself.

Im nice. Many mistake my kindness for weakness but those who dont gain a loyal confidant. Im far more self assured then i used to be but im not cocky. I just know where my values lie. Those values have been tested thoroughly. Ive had to make tough calls and live with it.

At 31 i know who i am and where i want to be. And now i know who i want to be with.

1. Sassafras Oil
2. Elemi Oil
3. Nutmeg Oil

Well I'd like to start of saying thank you for taking time to read this, not sure how you got here but hello

Lets see, where the hell have I been? and what have i been doing?

If I said that things have been going well then I am full of shit, because things are really terrible. Don't get me wrong, I mean.
I work full time 3rd shift at a drug/alcohol treatment center, and have been for quite some time. You might think that working with others is something that is good right? well, good as in like helping others blahblah is the right thing to do, which it is, don't get me wrong there, but after doing it day after day after day it does start to grow on you.
I go into at work at nights wearing a plastic smile because internally i feel complete shit. I have not spoke with my family in going on 2 + years, and cant seem to find any comfort.
It's like a full glass of water well in this case recovery. I give you a little bit of my recovery, give some to them, to more people, and when i get home I look down and my cup is empty. It's been fucking with my head to the point where I'm not sure if I'm hearing voices like a schtizophrinc person might hear but some of the voices are mean, i can't lay down without my head telling me that I hate my mother. That shit is on repeat over and over and over and I can't make it stop.
I am kind of jumping around here so bare with me.
I lost a really close friend of mine back home, and last time when i went to visit home for my brothers funeral I happened to ask my mother & Sister what ever happened to Tony, and their response was that he overdosed a while ago. I think thats really what started all of this, because I didn't really question why did you not tell me, but that is what was going through my head, and to this day I think that is why i have a huge resenement towards my mother and sister. I don't think they know it because I didn't tell them, you know the whole 'plastic smile' shit.
I don't like people seeing me hurt, upset, angry, I just hold that shit in and just smile. Like i have my shit together but it all honesty I don't.
I may be sober but I am fucking miserable. I don't really think of getting high or taking a drink because I am always worried of what will happen next, and I don't want to end up back on the streets. Maybe I do, I catch myself looking at 4-season tents, hiking backpacks, and hiking gear. Not because I want to go hiking but because I want to be prepared if and when I do go homeless again, but never seem to buy the shit. I end up squandering my money on stupid mobile games, and loot boxes, and by next payday I am fucking broke again, this goes on and on.
Maybe I get that shit because for the split second when I get the ingame loot, or get the coins, I feel somewhat happy, so I keep doing it again and again until I have like enough to pay my phonebill and rent. Atleast I am doing that much, I am getting food too, I go grochie shopping once a week and get shit like noodles, soups, frozen pizzas to last me 2 weeks, or until next payday.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job. I am the night time supervisor of all my staff, and near 600 men at the facility, so helping others is really what I like, but I feel like I might have lost something along the way, where now i am doing it because of the money. Which I guess any normal person that has a job does it for the money too.
I get put in fucking shit situations where my anxiety is through the roof where I might have to interviene and kick someone off property, or call the police. I for 1 am not the type of person that likes any type of conflict and confrontation. shit sucks, but sometimes it is part of my job.

So yea, since whenever I was around here last a lot has changed, might have picked up a new mental disability or two, not sure.
Thanks for reading

Its 3am do you know where your children are?

I didn't realise how much turning 30 would get to me. Although it was back in April it still bothers me. Being 30 sounds so much older than being 29. When I think about all the awesome memories from 17-26 It only feels like yesterday. So many things I remember with absolutely clarity, I would do anything in order to relive them once more.

I still feel younge at heart though which is both good and bad. The bad part is nearly all of my friends from the 2006-2015 period have taken that next phase of life (having a baby ect) No baby for me.

On a brighter side, I remember having a discussion with a group of mates in year 12 and we were wondering when we were older would we still like the same music we do now or will we be listening to shit old people music..
Well..I am happy to say that I still regularly blast most sub-genres of Trance (progressive,hard trance,tech-trance, psy-trance), A huge range of Rap, *some* oldschool Metal (Slipknot,Marylin Manson ect) sooo well done Andy- No shitty old peoples music so far. Lets hope it remains the same at 40. Wait..what..40??! ? **Change the farkin topic yo!**

I was thinking the other day how much I miss all the old Bluelight crew. AusDD used to be off its tits in 2006-2011. Not just the ammount of activity but moreso the ammount of awesome regular local people. I met so many great friends from then. Shoutout to the few that are still around. The weekends used to be so much fun. Friday night was either 3D or Bass Station, saturday morning recovery at PHD, saturday night at Bubble.. and repeat it all the next week.
Sad that all those nightclubs have shutdown now. I havn't been clubing in years but last time I remeber how much Melbournes changed.. No way in 2019 would a unmarked police car drive down bubble alley way (little collins street) passing car after car parked on the sides full of people smoking crackpipes with every cars windows lit up by the lighter- and not even stoping. Simply just driving down making sure things are cool and no shits going down.





Embracing the goddess' energy within yourselves,
Will bring all of you to a new understanding and value of life.
A vision that inspires you to live and love on Planet Earth.
Like a priceless jewel,
Buried in dark layers of soil and stone.
Earth radiates her brilliant beauty,
Into the caverns of space and time.
Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home,
And experience it as a place to visit and play with reality.
You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster .
Imagine Earth restored to her regal beauty.
Stately trees seem to brush the deep blue sky.
Clouds billow to form majestic peaks.
The songs of birds fill the air,
Creating symphony upon symphony.
The goddess is calling for and honoring
Of what she allows to be created
From the core-mystery of the blood.
Those who own her planet are learning about love


Going to finish this one off with a reminder to STAND YOUR GROUND against Facebook censorship/Zuckerberg fuckery (Shalom Mark BokAtov ??) I WILL troll the Flat Earth Society's facebook page if I feel like it. I WILL fight back, and win, when you remove my post and ban me for 7 days becauses of Flat Earthers reporting me. With that I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, *Greaat Success!* \/



The best thing is, seeing as they removed my post, the dickheads in the Flat Earth Society group page got re-trolled by facebook as they re-posted my post 5 days after it was removed. ??

It's pretty sad realizing friends aren't who you thought they were. I've been in the hospital with several different problems for about two weeks and would've loved to have heard from friends other than my high school best friend Cori. He has been with me through thick and thin and as soon as he realized I was in trouble, he drove from 4 hours to hang with me. I reminded me of what friends are actually supposed to be. A 20 minute phone call from someone would've been great. At any rate I know who I can depend on now after going through this experience. Don't trust anyone, and I'm not making that mistake again.

I can't believe this person felt the need to bullshit me so hard. It's like I'm dealing with a completely different person. I feel worse for them than for myself. There will be no free stuff unfortunately.

Anyway, I got the hospital IT guy to unblock BL after I explained to him what it was (It's done by keywords). I'm going to try my best to keep up with things while I'm dealing with all of this stuff. I'm really so sorry for letting the entire community down.

So i guess i need to figure this out. Umm damn where to srart. Well i left sober living after 6 months in September. I bounced from airbnb to hotels for 2 weeks before i found a place. My mom signed for this swanky furnished place in the city. Unfortunately it was 1500 a month. So that along with a nice little binge dropped my account from 5 grand to 500 in 3 momths.

But i have completely paid my own way since i left sober living in June. Im really proud of that. I turned down a handout from the parents. Unheard of but i did. It also cost me my savings and put me in awful position to find new place for us.

Us. Yes thats right your boy CJ has a gf. We met on tinder snd she moved in a few days later. Well she only left for one night. Cute story for another time there.

Ali. Shes fucking amazing. Smart funny beautiful. I worship the ground she walks on. Im even starting to believe she feels the same. Lots of good sex. Still smoking heavy on the remnants of that half pound i got 2 weeks ago. Did some coke one night. Some Meth last night. Otherwise we been really good.

Our conversation flows like the Mississippi river that sits beyond our window. Deep and twisting the river gulps and sneers as we teleport our way from point to point. The speed giving it all a rythmic grinding feel through my body.

We get deep into my dream of opening a safe shooting gallery in the US. Putting my social work degree to the test. Then shit got decidedly awkward. Her cell phone bill is due. So i was like no problem ill pay it let me grab my debit card. She starts crying and saying she doesnt want it to be like this. I tell her hey look i got the money we good and if she feels really compelled she can pay me back later.

I dont know where i went wrong? Nice guy finishes last. If i fucking blow this its going yo be bad for my life

Around The Star At The Intersection Of The Pegasus And Andromeda Galaxies.

Will Non Believers Be Allowed?
No.

I just cant understand why people would believe in something, such as religion, that was created by men to control men, so strongly that they would sacrifice and take others lives just to control a piece of infertile desert. Because of a building that used to stand long ago , but now only a single section of wall remains.

I just cant wrap my brain around how people can honestly take religion at face value.

Keep in mind, I never said I didnt believe in God. I just don't at all like religion. Imagine where we would be at today as a civilization had the church not killed any outside the box thinkers and stiffled progress as they did. For a thousand years. Only in the last 200, since the founders of the United States had the brilliance to seperate church from government..

PS: Ill get off my soap box after this last point, America was NOT founded on christian values. We were NOT founded based around ANY religion

How does one enter into dereliction in any form? By neglecting their choices. Only through choosing to do something or not do something do we find ourselves with an outcome of some kind. Change your input, fix your output.

I have found myself rolling with some sketchy people lately and I've even found myself scheming to do things that I don't value. I mean I have been indulging in fantasies online I don't value IRL but it's not directly causing any harm as if you would violate someone's property or personal space and sanity offline.

I regret talking about thinking of robbing a kid's cannabis. Like I started thinking about it only when I was heavily intoxicated on alcohol but even then it's like I'm not trying to assault him for anything just a grab and run scenario and you can't outrun this. This kid is hard though dude. I started thinking about how it could backfire and I would get wrecked by someone half my age because he carries weapons and is bigger than me and is a hard city boy. He can scrap like a junkyard dog.

Anyways I need to change here. For myself and others.