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I wanna write. Not about trap houses and long waits in parking lots. Not even about pushing the plunger and sending a rig full of D plunging into my vien. Nah i want to write about purpose. The reason i get out of bed in the morning these days.

Ali is my reason. I love the smell she leaves in the bed. Or when she borrows my shirts. Just those little moments when you realize damn this is real. Im on cloud fucking 9.

Her body is a wonderland i want to spend the rest of my life exploring. She gives me butterflies everytime i look in her eyes. We talk for hours with no awkward breaks or pauses. She is extremely intelligent and she knows it. But i trust her explicitly.

Im trying to realize that i do bring things to the table. I have a decent job. I pay for our place and all her expenses. But mostly im a good guy whos been through enough shit tO finally understand some fundamental truths about myself.

Im nice. Many mistake my kindness for weakness but those who dont gain a loyal confidant. Im far more self assured then i used to be but im not cocky. I just know where my values lie. Those values have been tested thoroughly. Ive had to make tough calls and live with it.

At 31 i know who i am and where i want to be. And now i know who i want to be with.

1. Sassafras Oil
2. Elemi Oil
3. Nutmeg Oil

Well I'd like to start of saying thank you for taking time to read this, not sure how you got here but hello

Lets see, where the hell have I been? and what have i been doing?

If I said that things have been going well then I am full of shit, because things are really terrible. Don't get me wrong, I mean.
I work full time 3rd shift at a drug/alcohol treatment center, and have been for quite some time. You might think that working with others is something that is good right? well, good as in like helping others blahblah is the right thing to do, which it is, don't get me wrong there, but after doing it day after day after day it does start to grow on you.
I go into at work at nights wearing a plastic smile because internally i feel complete shit. I have not spoke with my family in going on 2 + years, and cant seem to find any comfort.
It's like a full glass of water well in this case recovery. I give you a little bit of my recovery, give some to them, to more people, and when i get home I look down and my cup is empty. It's been fucking with my head to the point where I'm not sure if I'm hearing voices like a schtizophrinc person might hear but some of the voices are mean, i can't lay down without my head telling me that I hate my mother. That shit is on repeat over and over and over and I can't make it stop.
I am kind of jumping around here so bare with me.
I lost a really close friend of mine back home, and last time when i went to visit home for my brothers funeral I happened to ask my mother & Sister what ever happened to Tony, and their response was that he overdosed a while ago. I think thats really what started all of this, because I didn't really question why did you not tell me, but that is what was going through my head, and to this day I think that is why i have a huge resenement towards my mother and sister. I don't think they know it because I didn't tell them, you know the whole 'plastic smile' shit.
I don't like people seeing me hurt, upset, angry, I just hold that shit in and just smile. Like i have my shit together but it all honesty I don't.
I may be sober but I am fucking miserable. I don't really think of getting high or taking a drink because I am always worried of what will happen next, and I don't want to end up back on the streets. Maybe I do, I catch myself looking at 4-season tents, hiking backpacks, and hiking gear. Not because I want to go hiking but because I want to be prepared if and when I do go homeless again, but never seem to buy the shit. I end up squandering my money on stupid mobile games, and loot boxes, and by next payday I am fucking broke again, this goes on and on.
Maybe I get that shit because for the split second when I get the ingame loot, or get the coins, I feel somewhat happy, so I keep doing it again and again until I have like enough to pay my phonebill and rent. Atleast I am doing that much, I am getting food too, I go grochie shopping once a week and get shit like noodles, soups, frozen pizzas to last me 2 weeks, or until next payday.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job. I am the night time supervisor of all my staff, and near 600 men at the facility, so helping others is really what I like, but I feel like I might have lost something along the way, where now i am doing it because of the money. Which I guess any normal person that has a job does it for the money too.
I get put in fucking shit situations where my anxiety is through the roof where I might have to interviene and kick someone off property, or call the police. I for 1 am not the type of person that likes any type of conflict and confrontation. shit sucks, but sometimes it is part of my job.

So yea, since whenever I was around here last a lot has changed, might have picked up a new mental disability or two, not sure.
Thanks for reading

Its 3am do you know where your children are?

I didn't realise how much turning 30 would get to me. Although it was back in April it still bothers me. Being 30 sounds so much older than being 29. When I think about all the awesome memories from 17-26 It only feels like yesterday. So many things I remember with absolutely clarity, I would do anything in order to relive them once more.

I still feel younge at heart though which is both good and bad. The bad part is nearly all of my friends from the 2006-2015 period have taken that next phase of life (having a baby ect) No baby for me.

On a brighter side, I remember having a discussion with a group of mates in year 12 and we were wondering when we were older would we still like the same music we do now or will we be listening to shit old people music..
Well..I am happy to say that I still regularly blast most sub-genres of Trance (progressive,hard trance,tech-trance, psy-trance), A huge range of Rap, *some* oldschool Metal (Slipknot,Marylin Manson ect) sooo well done Andy- No shitty old peoples music so far. Lets hope it remains the same at 40. Wait..what..40??! ? **Change the farkin topic yo!**

I was thinking the other day how much I miss all the old Bluelight crew. AusDD used to be off its tits in 2006-2011. Not just the ammount of activity but moreso the ammount of awesome regular local people. I met so many great friends from then. Shoutout to the few that are still around. The weekends used to be so much fun. Friday night was either 3D or Bass Station, saturday morning recovery at PHD, saturday night at Bubble.. and repeat it all the next week.
Sad that all those nightclubs have shutdown now. I havn't been clubing in years but last time I remeber how much Melbournes changed.. No way in 2019 would a unmarked police car drive down bubble alley way (little collins street) passing car after car parked on the sides full of people smoking crackpipes with every cars windows lit up by the lighter- and not even stoping. Simply just driving down making sure things are cool and no shits going down.





Embracing the goddess' energy within yourselves,
Will bring all of you to a new understanding and value of life.
A vision that inspires you to live and love on Planet Earth.
Like a priceless jewel,
Buried in dark layers of soil and stone.
Earth radiates her brilliant beauty,
Into the caverns of space and time.
Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home,
And experience it as a place to visit and play with reality.
You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster .
Imagine Earth restored to her regal beauty.
Stately trees seem to brush the deep blue sky.
Clouds billow to form majestic peaks.
The songs of birds fill the air,
Creating symphony upon symphony.
The goddess is calling for and honoring
Of what she allows to be created
From the core-mystery of the blood.
Those who own her planet are learning about love


Going to finish this one off with a reminder to STAND YOUR GROUND against Facebook censorship/Zuckerberg fuckery (Shalom Mark BokAtov ??) I WILL troll the Flat Earth Society's facebook page if I feel like it. I WILL fight back, and win, when you remove my post and ban me for 7 days becauses of Flat Earthers reporting me. With that I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, *Greaat Success!* \/



The best thing is, seeing as they removed my post, the dickheads in the Flat Earth Society group page got re-trolled by facebook as they re-posted my post 5 days after it was removed. ??

It's pretty sad realizing friends aren't who you thought they were. I've been in the hospital with several different problems for about two weeks and would've loved to have heard from friends other than my high school best friend Cori. He has been with me through thick and thin and as soon as he realized I was in trouble, he drove from 4 hours to hang with me. I reminded me of what friends are actually supposed to be. A 20 minute phone call from someone would've been great. At any rate I know who I can depend on now after going through this experience. Don't trust anyone, and I'm not making that mistake again.

I can't believe this person felt the need to bullshit me so hard. It's like I'm dealing with a completely different person. I feel worse for them than for myself. There will be no free stuff unfortunately.

Anyway, I got the hospital IT guy to unblock BL after I explained to him what it was (It's done by keywords). I'm going to try my best to keep up with things while I'm dealing with all of this stuff. I'm really so sorry for letting the entire community down.

So i guess i need to figure this out. Umm damn where to srart. Well i left sober living after 6 months in September. I bounced from airbnb to hotels for 2 weeks before i found a place. My mom signed for this swanky furnished place in the city. Unfortunately it was 1500 a month. So that along with a nice little binge dropped my account from 5 grand to 500 in 3 momths.

But i have completely paid my own way since i left sober living in June. Im really proud of that. I turned down a handout from the parents. Unheard of but i did. It also cost me my savings and put me in awful position to find new place for us.

Us. Yes thats right your boy CJ has a gf. We met on tinder snd she moved in a few days later. Well she only left for one night. Cute story for another time there.

Ali. Shes fucking amazing. Smart funny beautiful. I worship the ground she walks on. Im even starting to believe she feels the same. Lots of good sex. Still smoking heavy on the remnants of that half pound i got 2 weeks ago. Did some coke one night. Some Meth last night. Otherwise we been really good.

Our conversation flows like the Mississippi river that sits beyond our window. Deep and twisting the river gulps and sneers as we teleport our way from point to point. The speed giving it all a rythmic grinding feel through my body.

We get deep into my dream of opening a safe shooting gallery in the US. Putting my social work degree to the test. Then shit got decidedly awkward. Her cell phone bill is due. So i was like no problem ill pay it let me grab my debit card. She starts crying and saying she doesnt want it to be like this. I tell her hey look i got the money we good and if she feels really compelled she can pay me back later.

I dont know where i went wrong? Nice guy finishes last. If i fucking blow this its going yo be bad for my life

Around The Star At The Intersection Of The Pegasus And Andromeda Galaxies.

Will Non Believers Be Allowed?
No.

I just cant understand why people would believe in something, such as religion, that was created by men to control men, so strongly that they would sacrifice and take others lives just to control a piece of infertile desert. Because of a building that used to stand long ago , but now only a single section of wall remains.

I just cant wrap my brain around how people can honestly take religion at face value.

Keep in mind, I never said I didnt believe in God. I just don't at all like religion. Imagine where we would be at today as a civilization had the church not killed any outside the box thinkers and stiffled progress as they did. For a thousand years. Only in the last 200, since the founders of the United States had the brilliance to seperate church from government..

PS: Ill get off my soap box after this last point, America was NOT founded on christian values. We were NOT founded based around ANY religion

How does one enter into dereliction in any form? By neglecting their choices. Only through choosing to do something or not do something do we find ourselves with an outcome of some kind. Change your input, fix your output.

I have found myself rolling with some sketchy people lately and I've even found myself scheming to do things that I don't value. I mean I have been indulging in fantasies online I don't value IRL but it's not directly causing any harm as if you would violate someone's property or personal space and sanity offline.

I regret talking about thinking of robbing a kid's cannabis. Like I started thinking about it only when I was heavily intoxicated on alcohol but even then it's like I'm not trying to assault him for anything just a grab and run scenario and you can't outrun this. This kid is hard though dude. I started thinking about how it could backfire and I would get wrecked by someone half my age because he carries weapons and is bigger than me and is a hard city boy. He can scrap like a junkyard dog.

Anyways I need to change here. For myself and others.

Today's Topic: Soul Ascencion
To Rise Above The 6th (benzene) Dimensional (literally, 'house') Level, Ruled By Satan ('the accuser') and Libra (Venus, the Morning Star; and the number 6), It Is Necessary To Take The Following 6 Highly Scheduled, Highly Watched, And Tightly Controlled Magical Compounds (In Any Particular Order): MDA, MDMA, MDEA, AMP, METH, and ETH. All 6 are amphetamines. Did I do it? Yes, I did. Was it easy? No, it wasn't. It's Not Going To Be Easy. It's Going To Be Worth It. Persistence Pays. This Is My Belief.

my bf hides things from me
doesn't tell me when he does things
it hurts that he doesnt care enouguh to want to share his life with me
I know if he did this to me months ago- I would be a wreck.
I dont really care anymore
I just feel empty and numb
I dont have the emotion to even be mad at him
I simply don't care.
I dont think I want him to live with me this summer
I dont think I want him period. Not when things are like this.
But I dont want anyone else either
and I dont necessarily want to break things off
Breaking things off is painful, I can't handle it now.
I guess I will just embrace my apathy
and live how I want to.

I wonder if he will ever change

Pretty wild looking back at my old blog entries on BL. How daring I was....how fucking brave I was...how I did shit in spite of my anxiety. How I didn't constantly think what ifs, or if I did at least I didn't let it stop me. How I was so suicidal that I wasn't afraid of anything. I found a blog I posted 2 days before almost going skydiving, before I canceled it. I said I wasn't afraid, how being suicidal killed all my fears. I wish I could still say I felt the same.

Being suicidal was freeing, in a way. It's hard to explain if you've never been there. I was never nearly as scared to combine who knows what just to get a good high, and wasn't afraid of the euphoric feeling. I wasn't afraid of my own goddamn shadow back then. And it looks like I could think much more clearly to write my thoughts down back then because I WAS FUCKING MEDICATED FOR MY ADHD BACK THEN. Something I hope I can be again, if all the doctors didn't fucking suck and if I could fucking afford to see one in the first place. When I was taking adhd meds I could actually think straight and think one thought at a time instead of a bunch of fucking thoughts at once that turn into a live anxiety stream in my fucking brain.

I Am The Holy Ghost, And You Are Not.

The ASTEROIDS is the world's most elite and secret assassination and Black Operations team. They were formed by Lord Rothschild and initially worked as "security" for the International Monetary Fund as Economic Hitmen ensuring that all of Rothschild's objectives were being met. No Intelligence Agency or policing agency in the world has ever been able to go after them and I suspect none have even tried. The ASTEROIDS specialize in plane assassinations and with the technology advances now are the world's experts in Remote Hi-Jacking. Ten years ago I discovered the existence of the ASTEROIDS during my 911 research but all material has dissappeared from the web and if you search you will probably only find my mentions of them. Given what has transpired it would appear that even Russian Intelligence has no desire to go after or expose the ASTEROIDS. They are a key tool in establishing the New World Order and the key to unravelling 911. The ASTEROIDS and Rothschild have no qualms whatsoever over killing one or two or three or even ten thousand people to eliminate one. They enjoy such mass murder. If the world's Investigative Bodies ever really do their jobs and admit to the existence of the ASTEROIDS every plane crash, mass casualty event and convenient heart attack or other death in the last 28 years would have to be re-investigated and in the end Rothschild and the Banksters arrested, but no one will do so. That is the world we live in, run by psychotic mass-murdering criminals.

RIP deal souls on MH370.
The truth will come out.
Time is the only delay.

Yeah, welcome to the Con...

A world full of false hope and double speak Where underneath the words that you just heard you'll see what something means And that's a fucking scheme, basically they say That they're protecting all our freedoms while they're taking them away Send your baby off to war, oh wow, he dies And Obama gets to win a Nobel Peace Prize It's a fuckin' joke, nope, wow these eyes Are open now, I'm grown up, man you won't sell me lies In the meantime the world's waitin' To see what the future's gonna hold for its nations With some at odds on the topic of immigration It seems xenophobes are the problem that we're all faced with So we all band together to embrace it And join in the fight against racists and hatred But in truth this oasis we're chasin' Just really means globalisation It's basic, they know how your mind works so they shape it Right from our cot they got us locked within this Matrix It's like we can't escape it, every single day it's All over the news and spread across the papers No wonder people want to spend their nights sedated In a trance, going brain dead from entertainment Our masters have trained us to love our enslavement It's so far gone, now how the fuck can you save us..

When you can only either choose between A bunch of soulless politicians and controlled opposition In the end what's the difference? When they're bought by a fund, creatin' money out of thin air And the way that money's handled is so underhanded You start to feel like nothing's random once you understand it And amongst all the pay offs and chaos There's always something we should be afraid of Is it warzones or al qaeda Islamic state Pesticides, GMOs, vaccines, climate change Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's not With all the stuff that's concealed and what not So while we're lost in this mass of confusion, the story goes Problem, reaction, solution before you know it Our sense of morality is gradually decayin' From all this subversion and perversion As we plug in and switch off Doped up on alcohol, violence, sex, drugs, and hip-hop..

We've been conned by these ideas that they wanted planted from the land of the free they feed us the the propaganda And while we can't see eye to eye They sit and watch our world fall apart by design So I'm sorry for the diatribe But I really feel like we can't afford to bide our time And nitpick little things and get sidetracked I just want you to see the bigger picture like iMax And realise that your mind's being highjacked And used as a means to an end that we're coming to 'Cause the idea of tyranny is nothing new They say that better days are comin', but it's just a ruse See you can either start uncoverin' the fuckin' truth Or just be another sucker, it's up to YOU.

Lisa,
I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I will do ANYTHING to get you back. ANYTHING. You've made me happy for the first time in twenty years and the most happy I've ever been in my entire life. I know you're a beautiful woman who probly gets hit on every day, but, I've never felt genuine affection by someone as gorgeous as you.

Ever vaporize DMT? If not don't worry, I'm not saying you should. I am saying I just got an ideal couch to vaporize it on. It can seat 7 people, you can sleep on it. A 7 foot guy could sleep on this bitch.

Needless to say my loveseat can make you feel fine too.

My living room is a DMT sanctuary now.

Yes I will be reporting on breaking through here.

I'm sitting here on my tiny little bed in this new place thinking about what is important to me. I have a full time job. I live 2500 miles from my family in this city I chose to try and make my life in. I can't help but feel the itching half closed wounds on my right leg where I carved it with a razor last week. "If it isn't hell then im not happy" it reads in half closed scar tissue. Such a true statement on the futility of my life.

I am never happy. I bounce between sad and numb. I always blamed the drugs but now that is gone and I realize it's just me. I've been sober 3 months. I don't forsee it lastin to 4. Truth is if I'm going to be miserable I would rather do it high.

There is this bridge not far from here. It's tall. Spanning the Mississippi river. I want to jump. I don't want to die though. I want someone to save me. I want to feel like someone cares. I know they don't though. I'm not loveable. I've known I was going to die alone since I was 12 years old. It's sad. But I love drugs and they love me back.

I've got 2300 dollars. Maybe I'll binge out and then jump? Probably just binge out

I am in no position to blog so I mean take it easy here. Cerebrally speaking. Energy is low.

Instead of roaming the streets for drugs why not grow psychedelic medicine at home? This is what I just talked myself into. Like I could source fungus no problem travelling to hippy shows around my region but seeing as I can just do something in my home like why bother?

What's your opinion on growing psilocybin at home? Would you do it? Do you agree that mushrooms are good for the brain and medicinal for the mind? I mean I saw science the other day showing how psilocybin can benefit the brain even more effectively than LSD.

Let's discuss this post please. This is a discussion post.

I am starting this tomorrow morning and will be updating it so I can keep track of my dreams. What better place to save my fucked up dreams than on a BL blog?

I need to explore psychedelics more for some reason. Now I feel blogging about DMT will be more appropriate than continuing to discuss it in my recovery log. This blog will touch on numerous molecules of a psychedelic nature before it ends. Yes it has an ending. I can't stay here forever blogging but I hope the experience offers something of value for myself and the readers. Fellow users actually.

The entries for now will be ponderings about DMT. I don't plan on using it right now if ever so I will be sharing my thoughts on what others are saying about it and speculating the use of it without actually planning using it. If I do use it I will blog about that.

Not a Flying Lotus fan but not a disliker either.



I honestly see myself using low doses just to feel it out before trying to breakthrough to God knows where. Somewhere in the multiverse I reckon light years away from here perhaps.

“Their life is mysterious, it is like a forest; from far off it seems a unity, it can be comprehended, described, but closer it begins to separate, to break into light and shadow, the density blinds one. Within there is no form, only prodigious detail that reaches everywhere: exotic sounds, spills of sunlight, foliage, fallen trees, small beasts that flee at the sound of a twig-snap, insects, silence, flowers.
And all of this, dependent, closely woven, all of it is deceiving. There are really two kinds of life. There is, as Viri says, the one people believe you are living, and there is the other. It is this other which causes the trouble, this other we long to see.”
― James Salter, Light Years

It's been forever since I checked into this blog. The problem is I mainly use my tablet for all of my internet needs because it fits into my purse, it goes everywhere with me, it's convenient, but it sucks for writing blog entries. I was turned down for my 4th and final time for my disability. I went through a major depression after that because there I was 50 something years old, hadn't worked in 6 years. I had lost my nursing license, as it was revoked due to getting busted for drugs during my 4 and a half year relapse period. I think I got busted 3 times in 2013, so bye bye licence. I no longer had a nursing license, but what I did have was a hefty criminal record for drugs. To top it off, I had a disability. I could no longer do the sort of work that I had done for years, which consisted of heavy lifting and constantly being on my feet from the time I arrived on the job, to the time it was to go home. I need a sit down job. So, all of this shit was going through my head. I felt old and pretty fuckin useless. I had seriously contemplated suicide because I didn't need this shit.

I did end up getting help from the Department of Rehabilitation. They got me in college to become a substance abuse counselor and paid for my first semester. I am now halfway through my second semester. Time is going by fast. At the suggestion of Narcotics Anonymous, I applied for a shitload of jobs in the recovery field and now work as support staff for a drug rehab facility. I'm still financially challenged, but I'm better off than when I was on General Relief collecting only $300/month. My car is 16 years old and beat up. It's in the shop again and I'm constantly wondering if it's going to take a major shit on me before I finish school and can work full time. I still feel better now that I am going to work and school, even if the work is only part time. Another thing that happened is that on Feb 25, 2019, I finally broke this 14 year period of celibacy. I'm 54 now and still have my looks, except for the fact that I have this extra 30 or 40 lbs I've had ever since I got clean.

I did manage to lose it. I worked my ass off with the help of a nutritionist and a drug called Topamax. It was used to prevent migraines, but a side effect was that it killed my appetite. I made use of that in conjunction with a much healthier diet and lost the weight. However, returning to school and after not having been there since the 80's was stressful. Also having to look for work and go on interviews was even more stressful. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, hadn't gotten any dick since 2005, made me feel like I had to turn to food to de stress, which was stupid. The 30 or 40 lbs came back. Still I decided to try my luck with finding a hook up online and I did. I was worried he was going to be turned off by my weight, but he didn't seem to notice or care. He is out of town a lot, so I tried two other hook ups. They were fun, but not very available. Oh well. These have all been very young guys, the last one 24. LOL. I guess I've been going a bit crazy from horniness craving this young dick. Still the young ones are fun. Now, I need to get my mind off the dick and on my damn homework that I don't want to do.

I have been struggling with MDD and panic disorder for essentially half of my life. The onset was when I was 18 years of age and I am now 39 years old. My PDoc has tested out numerous medications, but they have been to no avail or ?poop out? fast. My PDoc recently suspected that I am on the spectrum for BiPolar Disorder because they only way I am able to tolerate SSRI?s is when I am on a mood stabilizer, otherwise I experience a mixed state. I am presently on Citalopram 15mg, and Lamictal 150mg (2x/ daily), which has stabilized the depression and helped with cognition and concentration, but the anxiety has persisted, so my therapist is stumped on what to prescribe next. She has prescribed three different benzo?s in the past and they made me more agitated and anxious (Klonopin, Ativan, Restoril), so I had a paradoxical response to those as well. I don?t sleep because my heart is palpitating constantly and I get tension headaches from the anxiety. She has prescribed every sleep medication under the sun, including Doxepin, so the anxiety won?t disrupt my sleep, but they have no afffect, even at high doses. The only thing that ever worked to alleviate the anxiety is Chloral Hydrate, but it is no longer available in the US. I am dealing with a lot of stressors right now, so I feel hopeless and am in despair: single parent of a child with ADHD, taking care of a father with Alzheimer?s, running a family
business . Is there an alternate Benzo I could try or another medication that might be effective?

Thank you!

So I'm a long time speculator, first time poster. Might be a thread about this somewhere, lol didn't feel like looking. So, as I'm writing this, keep in mind I'm feeling quite well on my subs. I'm so sick and tired of all the stigma that comes with getting on subs. Let's just say I'd much rather be on subs than methadone. So a little bit about me.. I've been popping pills on n off for about 6 years now. Probably longer. I just recently moved and finally found a doctor who can help me get on subs without insurance!! I literally pay $200 a month for my visit and meds included. I'm not opiate naive. That's for sure. I've been looking shit up on bluelight since I began in 2013.


Subs actually work if you let them. It's not like you take the subs and boom you're cured ??, foh. So my main DOC was morphine (don't fucking judge me) them things WORK. Especially when you're on 240+mgs a day. But one day I had enough with it and I found a sub someone gave me as payment. I took it, not expecting much... But holy crap, I felt WONDERFUL. I wasn't high but I didn't feel like shit, I immediately got up and started cleaning the house n shit going about my day. But then I got back into my DOC when I moved back to the old area. So now I'm actually on subs with doctors supervision and feel great about it. I've literally got the energy level I need to go out n get a job, a good paying one at that because ... Who screens for subs? Right? I mean does anyone have any imput as to a situation where they WERE screened at a regular blue collar job for subs?



Btw, I take the subs because I actually need them, im a bitch when it come to withdrawals ? I'm not afraid to admit that.