Blogs

Nothing like the sun going down on the beach to make all the shit very insignificant.



Life's damn good.

A bullet.

I am shy.

I am foolish.

I am bubbly.

I am stubborn.

I should change.

I can heal.

Nourish. Protect. Heal.

Little blog mantra experiment.

Time to go to bed.

Up past it.

Brain needs it now.

Except my cat.

don't snort tianeptine

We are stuck with a Prime Minister who is a member of the Hillsong Pentecostal Church. They believe the End of Times is already near and God will save them (the rest of us can go to hell). I’m not making this up:





Please help! All we can do is try to keep our spirits up as our country burns and floods.

Dont pray for us!
We dont need no modern jesus to roll with us!
The only rule we need is never....
Giving Up.......
The only faith we have is faith in us!

James Douglas Morrison. Jim and I go way back I’m not a “fan-girl” who thinks he was hot in his leather pants. I don’t actually find him that attractive. His mind though was stunning. People like to dismiss him as some kid on acid who was in the right place at the right time. No.. The guy wrote in the same way Van Gogh painted — compulsively and constantly.

This has special significance for me and I haven’t listened to it (or any Doors) lately. The internet never gets the lyrics right and they change from version to version. Too tired to correct them.




I want to tell you 'bout Texas radio and the Big Beat
Comes out of the Virginia swamps
Cool and slow with plenty of precision
With a back beat narrow and hard to master
Some call it heavenly in its brilliance
Others, mean and rueful of the Western dream

I love the friends I have gathered together on this thin raft
We have constructed pyramids in honor of our escaping
This is the land where the Pharaoh died
The Negroes in the forest brightly feathered
They are saying, "forget the night
Live with us in forests of azure
Out here on the perimeter there are no stars
Out here we is stoned, immaculate"

Listen to this, and I'll tell you 'bout the heartache
I'll tell you 'bout the heartache and the loss of God
I'll tell you 'bout the hopeless night
The meager food for souls forgot
I'll tell you 'bout the maiden with wrought iron soul

I'll tell you this
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
I'll tell you 'bout Texas radio and the Big Beat
Soft, driven, slow and mad, like some new language
Now, listen to this, and I'll tell you 'bout the Texas
I'll tell you 'bout the Texas radio
I'll tell you 'bout the hopeless night
Wandering the Western dream
Tell you 'bout the maiden with wrought iron soul

Man, it's been four years since I wrote in my blog here at Bluelight and it seems like a lot has changed since then. But I feel like I really need to start writing again, and since I've documented bits and pieces of my story here I figured this is the platform to continue on. I kinda like reading back through the years, seeing where I was and where I've traveled too.
It's Feburary 3rd, 2020 and I am living in a transitional/sober living community. On August 5th, 2019 I voluntarily admitted myself into a long term rehabilitation treatment program. I completed three months of residential treatment and transferred into the transitional living community here on camps. It's really nice; I have my own three bedroom house for about 1/3-1/4 of the going rent prices in the city I live in. I've been here for about three months and I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon. Of course I am randomly UA'd and breathalyzed, have a campus wide curfew I have to abide by and I don't have the freedom to just leave campus whenever I feel like it, and I also still have group requirements and such to adhere to but I really don't mind it. It's helping me tremendously-helping me to create new habits and re-wire the circuitry in my brain so I'll grow stronger for when I finally decide to move out. If I decided I wanted to move out tomorrow I could coin out and be done with the program but I feel that if I stay longer the benefits I'll reap outweigh the rules and regulations that can be bothersome at times. I'm working on repairing the relationship that I completely trashed, the one with my daughter's father. When I went off the deep end with alcohol I promptly burned that bridge right to the ground. The kindling that fueled the fire of my addictions had been stoking for many many years before I finally burned white hot, and when I did everything around me caught fire. I didn't seem to care at all-I thought it was funny that I woke up needing to take a drink every few hours, or that I had a seizure and bit half my tongue off landing in a five day coma-like it was a badge of honor. How stupid was I? Pretty fucking stupid. I let myself fall prey to a very abusive relationship-the guy helped me rack up a $7, 415 bill that I owe to one of the realty companies I rented from in 2017-18. He would get drunk and angry and throw heavy shit at my head, missing my a few inches and take out the fridge, or the stove, or he'd punch a few holes in the wall or break a window. He would always apologize and say he'd fix it or pay for it, but he never did and I'm stuck with the bill on my credit report. Thus yet another reason I'm staying put because I don't think anyone would rent to me with the way my credit it right now. But I can't really blame anyone but myself. When I finally was down to my last few milligrams of methadone I needed to jump off I found myself highly dependent on alcohol. The years of anger, rage, pain, trauma just finally bubbled up to the surface and broke through. Had I not went through the fire of rock bottom I wouldn't have burned all that off and found the help that I so truly needed as the addiction and lifestyle that came with it was all just a symptom of something deeper. Being here, in rehab has allowed me the time and space to really work on myself. To heal decades old pains and traumas and to unearth hidden demons that I thought would just always live inside me. I'm grateful for this new opportunity to live life without masking feeling. On January 31st I celebrated six months of complete sobriety. I've NEVER had that. Since I picked up smoking pot when i was 13 I never went more than a few days without getting high one way or another. Even through pregnancy and childbirth I was at least stoned. I've got nothing against cannabis, and when I move out of sober living I plan on smoking cannabis again, but for right now, I'm ok with not. I also plan on reintroducing psychedelics into my world. I've also kicked cigarettes...I do use a vape for nicotine, which I'm happy with and don't plan on giving up if I don't have to. Well, for now, that's it. Just a quick update for my own records. I do hope to start writing in my blog more often, but we'll see how that goes. I'm keeping myself pretty busy with work, recovery groups, crossfit and my kids. But hopefully I'll find time to write, as the outlet is a great one for me personally. Off to group I go now.
~cheers~

I started this whole long story for 4/20 about 2 years ago - the first time I smoked a laced cigarette (not that it has anything to do with 4/20 but smoking made me think of it) and because the story was so long and detailed, I just got tired. And a lot of me died. And my life fell apart. And now I'm slowly putting it back together. And there are always more stories to share...but what matters is...I'm writing again.

What does it all mean? Whats the point? Is it fate? Is it Ali laying next to me? Is it where I'm from? My old friends? Me? My family? My mom? My sports teams? All of the above plus a trillion other things? Probably.

I inducted on suboxone this morning after a two week heroin run. It was "rough". Opiate withdrawal is nasty. Even if it's only for a few hours. It was a little taste of what will happen if I make mistakes.

I gotta be perfect.

"See the thing is you only gotta fuck up once. Be a little slow, be a little late, just once. And how you ain't ever gonna be a little slow? A little late? No you cant plan through this shit man, its life"

is a little love to take the pain away...

Have you ever seen the dark.
I walked backwards without a spark.
Then you know what really matters, matters.
Have you ever crossed that line between what's real and left undone?
Then you know what really matters, matters.
When everything seems so dark,
The sun is rising somewhere far.
Don't look back, you're not alone.
Cause together we rule the world.
Together we rule the world..
Cause we know what really matters, matters.
Behind the wars and battlefields,
Fights a young soul with shattered dreams
He don't know what really matters, matters.
When everything seems so dark,
The sun is rising somewhere far.
Don't look back, you're not alone.
Together we rule the world.
Together we rule the world.
Together we rule the world.
When everything seems so dark,
Together we rule the world.
The sun is rising somewhere far.
Don't look back, you're not alone.
Together we rule the world.
Cause together we rule the world.
Everything seems so dark,
The sun is rising somewhere far.
Don't look back, you're not alone.
Cause together we rule the world.



I love you Mel

I just lost the post I started somehow *sigh*. I’m tired and depressed. We still have numerous bushfires.. This is the biggest one. It’s near Canberra, our capital city.




Meanwhile our Prime Minister is making $2b deals to increase gas supplies, which involves fracking. Someone said that’s worse than coal.

I was going to list the other things he’s been up to but I’m too braindead. The guy should be locked up — in jail or a mental institution. People can’t believe what he’s getting away with. It’s fucking horrible and I get this sort of paralysis which isn’t exactly anxiety, more a feeling of complete helplessness.

I’ll see if I can find a list of his exploits on Twitter..


Fuck it, I can’t find much in the news because his mate Rupert Murdoch owns most of it. This is seriously wrong. But here’s some well-done subversive work on bus shelters around the place.





It’d be satisfying if he was locked up with the likes of Uncle ChopChop

Testing to see if weird thing happens.

*head spins*

Another random Wednesday morning. What time is it? Oh its dopesick time again. Great. Waiting on this guy again time!? Lovely. I havent even been to sleep yet and it's already tomorrow time. Awesome! Least my girl is beside me asleep. She will be up and hurting in no time too though. I swear to god I wish I wasnt too sick too go score on the street. My stomach for that is just too low though at this point in life.

I thought i was done with this shit? Fuck we have only been ripping and running a week? Fucking A! I really thought this part of my life was over..... guess not huh? He said 30 minutes 90 minutes ago..... any second right? Yeah right heard that one before..... Least my patience game has improved. Least he delivers I guess..... though i already offered to come to him..... Fuck it Lou was right first thing you learn Is you always gotta wait.

If you don't like amphetamine, then something is WRONG with you.

Plan:
Invite Swifty over for dinner.

Purchase huge beef fillet steak, field mushrooms, fancy shaped pasts, truffles, token garnish greens.

Buy wine, beer, sum ghb, some lovely mdma, token g of meth.

Organise night off from parental lockdown.

All went according to plan

Then he rainchecked!!!


Meh.

Been here many years, had many journals and journeys with my brethren. @Tubbs is welcome @Dope. As is @hopeless.



Don't like it or not able to extract yourself from it then that's your issue have a tissue.


We all guilty of something including you and you are of no worth reject, why bother protecting you?


On me day off, no farts in the car.

Cleaned a mars bar off the carpet in the back.

Cleaned the paint sprayed in the house.

Won't have to put up with the shit that comes from malicious strangers posing as friends.

Is this on?

I live next to a freeway off-ramp. No sound barriers or anything so there are trucks using their air brakes at all hours and it’s loud. I mean it’ll wake me up even wearing earplugs. The commuter traffic to the CBD starts around 3:30am and goes til late. So there’s maybe five hours when it’s quiet. It’s a tourist area so on weekends people come down on their bikes. Groups of Harley Davidsons are fairly loud.

I’m sitting here listening to it and thinking about the bushfires and what it all means for Australia. Well, there’s really only one thing! This was filmed across the bay from where I am.

Hello

I hope you are well

And do not smell

Xxx

:D