zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
Pretty wild looking back at my old blog entries on BL. How daring I was....how fucking brave I was...how I did shit in spite of my anxiety. How I didn't constantly think what ifs, or if I did at least I didn't let it stop me. How I was so suicidal that I wasn't afraid of anything. I found a blog I posted 2 days before almost going skydiving, before I canceled it. I said I wasn't afraid, how being suicidal killed all my fears. I wish I could still say I felt the same.
Being suicidal was freeing, in a way. It's hard to explain if you've never been there. I was never nearly as scared to combine who knows what just to get a good high, and wasn't afraid of the euphoric feeling. I wasn't afraid of my own goddamn shadow back then. And it looks like I could think much more clearly to write my thoughts down back then because I WAS FUCKING MEDICATED FOR MY ADHD BACK THEN. Something I hope I can be again, if all the doctors didn't fucking suck and if I could fucking afford to see one in the first place. When I was taking adhd meds I could actually think straight and think one thought at a time instead of a bunch of fucking thoughts at once that turn into a live anxiety stream in my fucking brain.
Being suicidal was freeing, in a way. It's hard to explain if you've never been there. I was never nearly as scared to combine who knows what just to get a good high, and wasn't afraid of the euphoric feeling. I wasn't afraid of my own goddamn shadow back then. And it looks like I could think much more clearly to write my thoughts down back then because I WAS FUCKING MEDICATED FOR MY ADHD BACK THEN. Something I hope I can be again, if all the doctors didn't fucking suck and if I could fucking afford to see one in the first place. When I was taking adhd meds I could actually think straight and think one thought at a time instead of a bunch of fucking thoughts at once that turn into a live anxiety stream in my fucking brain.
