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4th of June 2020 - 01:53

i'm still ripping through these lines whether alone or alone lol.

today was the day i turned down that offer to go to california - ego remember this one, morals also remember this as a victory

my chemical love affair is definitely turning love hate in these times of isolation. there are things i need to keep doing to stay succesful because if there ever was a time i couldn't fail, its now.

nasal cavities are raw - may start bleeding tomorrow or even later tonight. intention to abstain non-existent. apprehension of compound side effects and the comedown is still negligible.

a couple of nights ago there was that stupid conversation with her, where we were both blasted and deluding each other and ourselves.

i have to keep going, hell or high water. i'll crash all weekend i guess - i don't know im beginning to lose my centre im not planning shit to be honest.

i'm fine though. i'll be fine. whens the last time i wasnt right

How you like that vaccine additive for COVID19?

I also have bought 7 grams of powder cocaine ('white girl') before. They were good as fuck. Such a nice personal amount to binge like a drug pig for a while. After snorting the last gagger, I turned towards my friend Helms and said, "I am Zoro." It freaked him out good. I don't know why they quit selling it; it was very desirable.

I was proud of myself.

I really hope I don't do something I'll regret because Im angry and tired if being lied to by wankers .

I've been putting off doing my homework. Before the COVID ordeal, I always wrote my homework reports in the library at school. It was easier for me to do there because it was not at home where there are too many distractions. That and the fact that the school had a printer I could use to print out the reports. My roommate is fucking home all the time. He's not working and I'm like dude you need to get off your fat ass and get a damn job. He's always in the damn kitchen. I love food as much as the next person, especially right now, but goddamn all he does is eat a HUGE amount of food, sleep and shit. Thank God I get to go to work 2 nights a week and this is more irritating because he's home all the time abusing his kitchen privileges. I wish I could afford to live alone, but I can't. I get seriously pissed off because he's lying around doing nothing but getting fat instead of looking for work. So when I get bored and complain to myself about being stuck here with him, I think back on all of the years that I was in voluntary self-quarantine. As long as I had my drugs, I didn't give a fuck. In fact, my room I locked myself into was my castle and refuge against having to deal with other people, even when I lived alone. There would be major advantages to living alone now, but I try to keep positive. I get to have some company once in a while. Otherwise, I pretty much keep to myself, but it would be nice if the two other people I live with had jobs too. I guess it could be worse. I didn't always have a roof over my head when I was getting loaded. A lot of the time I was in my car, couch surfing at dope houses, living with a using buddy in a tent in one of our parks by the dam. The car was a bit cramped at times and dope houses I had to watch my back all the time so that I wouldn't get ripped off. I have credit cards now for emergencies which I haven't had since the 80's, so by my old standards I'm lucky. It was bad enough having to hustle for dope before, but I sure as fuck would hate to have to do it now. Ok now I'm going to do my feckin homework. Peace out.

3-(2-methylaminopropyl)-pyridine.hcl

Did $20 to $30 dollars' worth. Lasted a good 2.5 days. More manageable than meth.

I understand that some people are lost without institutions such as the military, prisons, or church. Like me, my roommate is in recovery, but he doesn't do NA (Narcotics Anonymous) he does church. When COVID hit, there was no more NA for me and no more church for him. I most certainly feel the loss of NA, but I haven't gone off the deep end. This guy is a hardcore fundamentalist Christian and while that is certainly not my preference, it works for him. On the 11th of May, this guy had his bedroom window open and he was blaring his minister's church sermon so loud that when I walked outside, I could hear it all the way down the street. It was also 3:15 am. It really pissed me off not because it woke me up, as I work the graveyard shift and this was on a night off for me. Still it was like the 4th time he did this, although it had never been quite as loud as it was that night. When Mom is asleep she is dead to the world, but that night it woke even her up. She was a bit freaked out and knocked on his door and yelling his name. He either didn't hear her or he was willfully ignoring her which made me very angry. I was also angry because as I said it was the 4th time. I hadn't said anything before because he and I were not on the best of terms. My main problem with him was that number one he is home all of the time, even before COVID. Before he went to work for 3 hrs a day and then was home the rest of the time using a ton of water with excess loads of laundry and taking 2 showers a day. Where I live you get fined a penalty if you use a lot of water and it's expensive as hell. We got another rate increase and I had asked him no fewer than 10 times and Mom asked him a few times not to take 2 showers a day and to limit them to 5 minutes. He simply did what he wanted anyway. Then this thing with blaring the preacher louder than a heavy metal party started and on the 11th, I totally lost my cool after I saw that he ignored my Mom. I banged very loud and hard on his wall yelling, "Dude are you fucking kidding me?" Instead of turning it down he banged right back on the wall. I felt blood rushing to my face and my cheeks got hot. "You know what I"m calling the cops!" I called the cops and it took a few minutes for them to get there. All the while I heard this screaming sermon loud enough to wake the dead. The sermon got turned off 5 minutes before the cops got there. To be honest I was disappointed because I wanted the cops to hear how loud it was. The cops told him that he couldn't be disturbing the peace like that, especially at that hour and they told me that I would have to evict him. "Great," I said. "There's not even any court during COVID. Everything is shut down." They said there is court, but it's all different now. I kind of tuned out because I was thinking how much of a pain in the ass it was going to be to get this guy to leave. He stuck to his "I'm not leaving," story for 2 days. My Mom got so upset she started crying and hyperventilating. I had to tell her to calm down and that this guy was not worth getting this upset over. I knew one thing. If he wouldn't leave, then I was going to make it very uncomfortable for him. I would shut off his cable and internet. All he does is stay in his room watching TV and blaring sermons. He told me that he thought I was disrespectful to bang on his door and call the cops on him. "Really dude? What exactly were you expecting candy and flowers?" By the end of the 2nd night he quietly told me that he and his friends would try to find another place for him to live. I thanked him and said, "Cool." It's been nice not having him in the house. He comes home everyday to get something and then leave. I haven't been able to pin him down as to when he plans on leaving. The end of the month? He's paid up until then. Is he leaving June 15th? That would be more than 30 days notice, but we would need $500 for half the month since rent there is $1000. I don't wish this dude any ill will. I want him to get well and leave. It makes me angry that Cali won't let people have church service. Just put people in every other pew and stay home if you're sick.

My knee hurts.

One too many deaths on my block and I suspect fent. Nothing I can do but offer dope-boys free test kits so they know they ain't gettin' ripped and possibly have bodies on their hands. They are in.
I am going to try and copy/paste some sh**.
My "news" regarding drug culture:
Some may know that I *sometimes frequent da cona.
News is... cocaine is super rare ATM and dope boys are out. That is rare in itself.
SWIM irl got a bag of powder and died. Who(m) is taking advantage of the vacuum of yay, I say.... Analyzing. Calculating and doing what I do. Just changed to SWIK. FUCK!
Fent test come monday... musta had a premonition (does that make me female? ) or something.
I got help finding the source... just had a sit down since started posting this.
If it is anyone here -*god i *pray not- in the 29223 area code (yeah... my location) best to drag-up and find a new playground stat.
Nervous and onda porch watching the non existent traffic 'cept dope movin'. Gonna be here, too. With you guys fuck no offense again and coiled.
One
So... DC or HR whichever. May be a thread action taken to thwart death coming soon....

At the core,
It's an infallible machine,
Full of backbone,
And spite

To take a breath,
Is to flaunt,
And to flaunt,
Is merely to want another

Another game,
Another day,
Has got you splayed,
Amongst a maze

Look at you,
With bitter indignation,
And a heart,
Full of shame

Remorse is a fickle friend,
And guilt seems like,
A chain wrapped,
Around my heels

And I spin my wheels,
Through the leftover rain,
And a muddy pile,
Of backwash and bile

But tomorrow I think,
I'll rise and blink,
Once again I'll stumble,
And grasp the outer layer

Of a mind that's gone,
Blank as carpet or canvas,
And I really will gel,
With the cats living in hell

I'll flip one more coin,
To see a soul adorned,
With speckles of sin,
Maybe some truth within

It took a long time because I was willingly blind. I wanted to believe black was white. I was told my vision was distorted. I was told I was the problem. I needed to fix myself. I was a liar. I was the issue. That I completed the circuit of misery that ran through my family.

Well after a year away i realize black is black and white is white. That energy dispersed is equivalent to energy wasted. I realize focus is the key to power. My self worth is valuable to me but doesn't mean shit to anyone else. That I can't make anyone else happy or sad. I am not a saint or a sinner. That grey is the predominant color an intelligent person sees in the world. I realize I have less certainty everyday that passes. But instead of fearing the feeling of fear I should embrace it. For every road leads to the same outcome. Decomposition.

Codependency is hard to see when it's how you where raised. When walking on egg shells is just normal. It's insidious because one day you wake up at 31 and realize your still tip toeing around life. Like one day god is going to come over and say "hey now it's cool go on and start to play". My anxiety ate my confidence like cancer. Until all that I had left too do was scream into the void that had become my life.

I can't say I'm cured. I still have fear. But it's the fear of inaction now more then the paraylsis of indecision. I see my fiance in bed beside me and think this is how it's supposed to be. I still struggle but damn if I don't believe I'm going to be ok in the end. After all we all going to end up decomposing in the dirt

Well. Am trying to get my shit together, at least

If something you take for granted as being your time and for you gets interrupted by ppl needing you to do stuff like sort their issue out then that's too much effort so ignore it

Even though it's only 2 nights a week, it gets me out of the house. I still have school, but it's all online now, which means that I have to be home. The first problem with that is that I've always been a consummate loner. I live with 2 other people that are home all of the damn time. So before when I went to school, I was gone all day and didn't get home until about 8pm most nights. This eliminated me being irritated with the people that I live with for the most part. We all pay rent, but Mom can't afford to run the A/C and it's starting to get too damn hot. I close the blinds and run the fan. Mom insists upon taking all of the ice from the ice maker for herself and that is where she and I butt heads. If it weren't for me, she would not be able to stay in that house. So before COVID, I bought my own ice, which I still do but I also went inside different fast food places and filled my 32 ounce cup with ice and water. That is how I was able to stand driving around in the damn heat. My A/C is broken in the car and it's going to be a while before I can afford to fix it. I can no longer fill my cup with ice from fast food places or get it at school and these damn summers get into triple digits in So Cali. What happens then is that I am sapped of all of my energy and sleep a lot. I hate feeling this way. I hate having to write all of these never ending reports from school in a hot house. I've been getting it done, but this heat wears me out and I can't go to the public library or school to do my homework. Thank Christ for my job. I wouldn't mind being stuck at home if I lived alone, but I don't. Now that I've bitched about it, I remember this is what Narcotics Anonymous referred to as Cadillac problems. When I was using I often times didn't have a job or a home to go to.

The gulf between December and May may as well be 5 years instead of months. Kisses replaced by glares. Butterflies by clenched teeth. Weed by heroin. Love by hate.
Only the memory of that feeling keeps us here. Love fading into Oblivion. Two miscarriages. A million fights. A hundred mistakes I made. Fuck babe can we go back? Is that possible? I miss us! I miss you.

I love you Ali. You'll always be special to me

So I read that starting May 1st, San Diego County will be arresting and fining people $1000 for going outside and not wearing a mask? Seriously WTF!!! I hope I got that wrong, but that is just going too far. If you're sick, just stay the fuck home. Sounds like another step towards being a damn communist state. I'm all for taking precautions. I wash my hands 90 times a day. I wear a mask whenever I go inside a store. I make sure to get plenty of sleep because that builds up your white blood cell count which in turn fights off infection. I also take zinc or airborne every day to boost my immune system, but having to wear a mask every time I leave the house. That's going way too far.

The Black Beauty of the World


It is inevitable, the Pain comes to us all,

Pain, it can manifest itself in infinite ways

An algorithm from the unknown, we cannot decipher it

This pain, it will eventually catch up to you

no matter how hard we run, it must show itself



Designed to show us the reality of this world

Those who it fails to grasp are lucky, they run free

What they do not understand though,

Yes, they are freed from the sufferings

But also the pleasures of life.



As for the others, pain takes us, trains us

We each walk our own path of suffering,

We all are sentenced by the unknown Judge, to trod on

The garden of thorns- for the rest of our preconceived existence.



We tread through the weeds

The thorns, they thresh our flesh

Covered in vibrant red thick blood, hot and sweaty,

we groan, tremble, and collapse,

the damned final cobblestone step



Face slams the ground, skull resonates

Lifeblood that has carried us from youth, spills

Reaching the end of that thorny path

“how did I get here?”



A beautiful, innocent, and joyful young child

Our frame is no longer recognizable

The blades and lashes of this life, scars immortal

Our progressively toughened hide, not worth a penny



No longer youthful, innocent, and without blemish

Akin to Black Beauty, a vibrant and powerful stallion

willing to perform his master’s whims whether cruel or fair.



Poor Black Beauty, even him, the absolute epidemy of nature,

His muscles burst with strength, like that of the human will.

Even an innocent beast, he snorts and paws at the ground,

He realizes we are all of the same flesh and blood

Not even him cannot resist the walk of life

He followed many cruel and kind masters,

Yet never stumbled from the path



Soul or soulless, it does not matter, we all walk the path as one divine kind.

That is according to the laws of nature, not of men or Gods.

Nature follows the same pattern- the ouroboros



At our last and most pitiful step, we scream “We cannot take this life no more!”

We yell at the Gods, “Oh why have you forsaken me?”

The ominous cause of suffering does not response

We are taken to see it instead

What lays behind death is thus a secret

As it is only reveled to those who finish the path of the thorns



Only those who have not appreciated life- fear death

Would you look back? That journey of choices?

Do not be dismayed at this journey,

Be as the innocent beasts of this world,

Finishing their trial, they have no sorrow



The weeds you trampled, now budded

Lovely blankets of lavender, an expanse of tulips

As traversing that terrible path of thorns,

did you fail see the roses above?

Do not let pain blindfold you, remove it!



Every soul after the other, a circle

Joy and sadness, lavender and weeds

Happiness can only exist if the fields are tended

And everyone who experiences the bliss of life

Must tend to the fields of the new generation

Ever since this covid19 shit has been going on I have been feeling more and more stressed out with everything. The main thing that bugs me is my job. I work at a mens drug & alco treatment center and I am grateful that I have a job now, but haven't been feeling to grateful here lately at work. Mostly because I feel like it's just the monitors there that are running the show because all of the program heads are only working 1 day a week, or just working from home entirely. Which I cant seem to understand why. I mean I know they do it because they dont want to be sick and all, but what about us? that are literally on the front lines of the shit, working with homeless men that are coming off the streets? Some of the staff there really fucking piss me off because they try to make it aware that they still get paid a solid 40 hour work week when they work from home, or only show up for 1 hour a day and call it quits.
Us/front line workers don't get the same privilege as they do, and we do not get any added bonus's for working our solid work schedule. wait I take that back, the 'upper management' had cooked barBq for all of the monitors for our 'outstanding service', and to be honest I could fucking care less. I am already struggling as it is with car issues, rent, groceries and everything in life that costs money, but they would rather cook us food.
I just don't understand it, and the more I think about it the more upset I become. Everyone here is flaunting their stimulus checks letting everyone else know that they got paid, while the rest of us either haven't filed taxes yet, or isn't getting a check at all due to the 'why wont you get a check' reasons.
Not to mention my fucking car broke down, and I wasted $50 on getting this 'cracked head gasket liquid' that you pour in your radiator which didn't work, and if all it started smoking even worse, now I am going to have to start walking to work again because the bus's here are unreliable during all of this shit.
Just been really struggling here lately, i have been diagnosed with depression awhile back and I feel myself creeping closer and closer towards the edge of a mental breakdown and have the slightest idea of what will happen when i lose my shit. The thought of getting high again has been more and more on my mind, and to be honest a big shot of h sounds fucking great right now.
Just can't seem to shake this shit.

Yo! So....... This is quite the story (bath salts.. whoot!):

So I actually have always criticized bath salts. Not b/c of media mongering, but I heard it can cause really bad side effects for people; especially those with mental illness. My SO has been trying them out in the past, and EVERYTIME he would get into a psychotic state (b/c he has schizophrenia). He only gets SEVERE psychotic/psychosis when he does bath salts of any kind (any RC variation of cathinones). Anyways, yest. he's like "nah they aren't that bad, you should try them to see". I didn't want to really, but I was like "why not? something new".

So, it actually was very nice. It's like... adderall and meth combined? It's very speedy, but it has a lot of euphoria. I didn't smoke it, I snorted. And let me tell you, THAT SHIT BURNS. Worst thing I've snorted (and i've snorted salt, DMT, etc.). Anyways, it was all going good, my SO and I having fun. But then he wanted to go smoke it, so he went outside (can't smoke in our apartment). We live in a city so apparently he went to the hood part of our city (420captial) and smoked it off foil. Real sketch lol.

Anyways, he was gone longer than I thought he would be. He was okay though. BUT- then the comedown came. It's a real heavy body load and I had a pretty bad headache. I was able to manage, but then he started to have the worst psychotic episodes I've ever experienced with him.

I'm not going to give details, but I did stay up 6 hours with him trying to comfort him. I know the protocol of what to say and not say during an episode, but it's very taxing on the caregiver. You can't take anything personal cause they'll say your trying to kill em ya know? After FINALLY getting him to take more of his antipsychotics it got better, and now he's sleeping like a rock. He did say some pretty scary stuff (not anything about killing), but it triggered my PTSD real bad. However, I kept comforting him cause i couldn't break down then.

However, yet again, he had an episode on the comedown, as I have always told him. I tell him not to buy more, then he bought more secretly. I told him not to do it, then he did in 2x while I was sleeping. He's trying to hide his use, which he's never done before. I am really sad that he didn't listen to me when I say that he WILL have a psychotic episode after bathsalts.

I've been up for 27 hours, and just got 5 hours of sleep. I feel a little better, but i'm feeling very depressed and a little suicidal. I flushed rest of that drug down the toilet because he could not control his use and he's been lying to me about it. He may be mad, but I thought I made the right decision. He promised me he was going to 'sell it' and not do any, but he didn't sell one bit and instead been doing it secretly.

I really love him, and he's said that he wants to marry me, but he needs to stop doing cathinones, or really any stimulant. Of course I will always take care of him, but I'm going to have a serious discussion tomorrow that he needs to quit stimulants. I just don't know what to think right now, of course what he said wasn't him, but I am very tired (physically and emotionally). I really would like to marry him, but I am worried about what just happened. But I think if he quit drugs (or mainly stims), this severe episode won't happen ever again. In fact, he's never had one sober.

I hope when he finds his drug missing he's not angry, but I did it for his and my good. My brain and emotions are scrambled right now due to lack of sleep and stress, but I feel- deep strong depressive emotions. I wouldn't call it suicidal, but I'm extremely sad. I'm gonna hydrate, eat a snack, listen to music, and try to calm down a little. Love y'all

I'm lucky to be some of the few allowed to go to work. I'm not sure how I'd handle it at home with 2 people home almost all the time. So it still sucks that everything has changed. I read that alcohol sales (and probably pot too since it's legal here) has gone up 75%. As I've said before the thought has entered my mind to just keep popping pills until all of this is over. The thing is that I think that we are going to have a long wait. So no pill popping for me. I was talking to my coworker yesterday at work and she said that she and her date had to go to a hotel. No more going to coffee shops or restaurants. I don't go to bars, but this whole ghost town business kind of sucks. I can't get techno support. I have logged onto this adult hook up website and of course there are all sorts of people on it. Still even if you met someone you wanted to see the only place you can go is a hotel or motel. My coworker said her date rented this cool suite with room service and that they had a good time. Ok that's cool. I can see doing that if I already had a connection with someone, but still no coffee shops, no parks, no nothing. Grrrrrrrrrr! I wonder if anyone is getting laid.

Sometimes I think I know and other times I have no clue as to what's really going on. I suspect that this shit going around is a direct result of biological/chemical warfare. At other times I think it's just the media fucking with us, but then how come the whole freaking world is affected? What is the real agenda behind all of this? There are times when I wish I could take a whole bunch of painkillers everyday (this thinking is not condoned by Narcotics Anonymous lol) until this shit is over. Why do I have this eerie feeling that this shit is not going to go away any time soon? I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic and I really hope that I'm wrong people. I've tried looking around on this site to see if it has gotten a lot harder to get drugs and I suspect that the answer is hell yes it is. This is what helps me to not pick up any painkillers, the ones I have stashed for emergencies only. I keep getting a mental picture of me running out of pills and having a hell of a hard time getting more dope either legal or illegal. That said, it's probably best for me to stay sober. I haven't been to any NA meetings for a month, as they are no longer available and haven't had any success finding ones online that I can go to. I work graveyard so it's times like right now that I am wide awake at 2:30am. It's ok. I'm not going through any heavy duty fear, despair, or sadness or cravings right now so I don't feel like I'm in danger of getting loaded. I can only imagine how much it much suck for those of you with a hefty habit and having a hard time scoring. I remember back in 2001 when I first found this site and many years after that how I'd keep coming on here and posting wild ass shit while I was on pills or tweaking. One of my assignments in my online school is to turn in a report of relapse prevention. It wants to know the top 3 people that I would get loaded with. The thing is during the last 7 years my main using friends have died, so that leaves me all by myself. The paper wants to know what are the top 3 places I'd get loaded at. The answer to that is I no longer have friends places to get loaded at cause they are all gone. So again that leaves just me in my place. I guess that sounds eerily like a quarantine situation, doesn't it? For what it's worth I like being clean, but wonder how you guys are holding up?

I met a girl, in passing when I was in high school. She was 2 years behind me so, I met her when I was a junior and she was a freshman. I hung out with her brother Brandon and she always was the quiet hippie chick. Who had the glass bead around her neck, and went to all the hippie festival.s, hung out with the hippie kids etc.

You can get the idea she was a hippie chick, now I preface this blog by saying that because during this time I was very shy. Very reserved. My idea of a hot friday night wa building a badass gaming rig for a friend. (I built computers as a hobbie, I was very single) I was hardly exposed to the world of drugs at that pont, and the most intense sexual experience I had had at that point in my life was tittyfucking a redhead with DDs and not being able to last longer than 5 seconds....

Then I graduated. Sabrina became somebody I used to know, along with 99% of everyone else I had gone to school with.. and I didn think much of her. These people become the random people you see on facebook posting lies about how awesome their lives truly arent

Fast forwad to last year...

I unexpectedly lost my mother, who I'd lived with my entire life. As a 27 year old who never fully left the nest, my mom and I had a rocky relationship but were very codependant and had finally reached a place in our lives where we supported each other. Then the rug was pulled out.

I'd never heard of sepsis, but I read up real quick. She had septic shock and for a story I'll post anther day, she spent 13 days in ICU before I ultimately had to make the decision to pull her off life support. She made it 9 minutes on her own before crossing over.

As a loner, I'd just lost the only person in my life, and truly became alone.

I had no body, and wanted to die. Then not a month later my grandfather and uncle get killed by a drunk driver in Chattanooga. My grandfather was the only member of my family I spoke to other than mom... So, I find myself now 28, and completely and utterly devastated, and alone.

Thoughts of suicide began to go from ideation to planning to writing letters to my ex's and my very small group of friends who had seemed to forget about me during the worst moment of my life.
----

Then I got a message from Sabrina on facebook..

She wanted to come over and see me, and she did. And I had my first actual conversation with her. She had an unbelievable ability ot calm me down, I'd essentially been fighting one long mental breakdown, and her aura was something of which I'd never experienced. I got to finally look at her fully, up close, and not just stealing glances from the corner of my eyes when Brandon and I would hang out back in the day.

Sabrina has a perfect body, the quintessential female hour glass figure, skinny... not thick.. but not bones eiher. She was so sensual, I'd never noticed. As the weeks went by I Grew closer to her, and found out she had a 2nd brother Dustin.

I'd never known about this brother, but.. when I went to her house I got to talk to Dustin, and he talked about his sister. They were siblings. I was becoming intoxicated with her magnetic way about her.

-----

Until I realized while scrolling through facebook, and her profile... that Dustin was her boyfriend. That they both had coordinated a lie. Then I realized, Id been giving her money for her addiction to H....

What little bit of hope that she had brought back into a life so darkened by loneliness... was not just gone, but gone forever..

To be continued..(names are changed because she does lruk these forums)

----- There will be lots more, I need to vent and this is the only place I know I can be honest and not be judged. I love you bluelight - TC

I wish I had not had been red pilled regarding some things that I was able for a long long time to just ignore or deliberately not see.

But I have and from multiple reliable good mates and some by accident. Some have been a bit surprised that I just didn't seem to know. I sort of did yet wasn't involved at all therefore it wasn't hapoening.

I don't want to know, stop being so clear in your intentions as it's just so hypocritical and not going to achieve anything positive long term, the type of people that come running are not going to add anything just use you for their own gain then leave.

Not much point in that.




Alas; shitposting here makes no sense, just wondering why the hell are you not acting on this?