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So I read that starting May 1st, San Diego County will be arresting and fining people $1000 for going outside and not wearing a mask? Seriously WTF!!! I hope I got that wrong, but that is just going too far. If you're sick, just stay the fuck home. Sounds like another step towards being a damn communist state. I'm all for taking precautions. I wash my hands 90 times a day. I wear a mask whenever I go inside a store. I make sure to get plenty of sleep because that builds up your white blood cell count which in turn fights off infection. I also take zinc or airborne every day to boost my immune system, but having to wear a mask every time I leave the house. That's going way too far.

The Black Beauty of the World


It is inevitable, the Pain comes to us all,

Pain, it can manifest itself in infinite ways

An algorithm from the unknown, we cannot decipher it

This pain, it will eventually catch up to you

no matter how hard we run, it must show itself



Designed to show us the reality of this world

Those who it fails to grasp are lucky, they run free

What they do not understand though,

Yes, they are freed from the sufferings

But also the pleasures of life.



As for the others, pain takes us, trains us

We each walk our own path of suffering,

We all are sentenced by the unknown Judge, to trod on

The garden of thorns- for the rest of our preconceived existence.



We tread through the weeds

The thorns, they thresh our flesh

Covered in vibrant red thick blood, hot and sweaty,

we groan, tremble, and collapse,

the damned final cobblestone step



Face slams the ground, skull resonates

Lifeblood that has carried us from youth, spills

Reaching the end of that thorny path

“how did I get here?”



A beautiful, innocent, and joyful young child

Our frame is no longer recognizable

The blades and lashes of this life, scars immortal

Our progressively toughened hide, not worth a penny



No longer youthful, innocent, and without blemish

Akin to Black Beauty, a vibrant and powerful stallion

willing to perform his master’s whims whether cruel or fair.



Poor Black Beauty, even him, the absolute epidemy of nature,

His muscles burst with strength, like that of the human will.

Even an innocent beast, he snorts and paws at the ground,

He realizes we are all of the same flesh and blood

Not even him cannot resist the walk of life

He followed many cruel and kind masters,

Yet never stumbled from the path



Soul or soulless, it does not matter, we all walk the path as one divine kind.

That is according to the laws of nature, not of men or Gods.

Nature follows the same pattern- the ouroboros



At our last and most pitiful step, we scream “We cannot take this life no more!”

We yell at the Gods, “Oh why have you forsaken me?”

The ominous cause of suffering does not response

We are taken to see it instead

What lays behind death is thus a secret

As it is only reveled to those who finish the path of the thorns



Only those who have not appreciated life- fear death

Would you look back? That journey of choices?

Do not be dismayed at this journey,

Be as the innocent beasts of this world,

Finishing their trial, they have no sorrow



The weeds you trampled, now budded

Lovely blankets of lavender, an expanse of tulips

As traversing that terrible path of thorns,

did you fail see the roses above?

Do not let pain blindfold you, remove it!



Every soul after the other, a circle

Joy and sadness, lavender and weeds

Happiness can only exist if the fields are tended

And everyone who experiences the bliss of life

Must tend to the fields of the new generation

Ever since this covid19 shit has been going on I have been feeling more and more stressed out with everything. The main thing that bugs me is my job. I work at a mens drug & alco treatment center and I am grateful that I have a job now, but haven't been feeling to grateful here lately at work. Mostly because I feel like it's just the monitors there that are running the show because all of the program heads are only working 1 day a week, or just working from home entirely. Which I cant seem to understand why. I mean I know they do it because they dont want to be sick and all, but what about us? that are literally on the front lines of the shit, working with homeless men that are coming off the streets? Some of the staff there really fucking piss me off because they try to make it aware that they still get paid a solid 40 hour work week when they work from home, or only show up for 1 hour a day and call it quits.
Us/front line workers don't get the same privilege as they do, and we do not get any added bonus's for working our solid work schedule. wait I take that back, the 'upper management' had cooked barBq for all of the monitors for our 'outstanding service', and to be honest I could fucking care less. I am already struggling as it is with car issues, rent, groceries and everything in life that costs money, but they would rather cook us food.
I just don't understand it, and the more I think about it the more upset I become. Everyone here is flaunting their stimulus checks letting everyone else know that they got paid, while the rest of us either haven't filed taxes yet, or isn't getting a check at all due to the 'why wont you get a check' reasons.
Not to mention my fucking car broke down, and I wasted $50 on getting this 'cracked head gasket liquid' that you pour in your radiator which didn't work, and if all it started smoking even worse, now I am going to have to start walking to work again because the bus's here are unreliable during all of this shit.
Just been really struggling here lately, i have been diagnosed with depression awhile back and I feel myself creeping closer and closer towards the edge of a mental breakdown and have the slightest idea of what will happen when i lose my shit. The thought of getting high again has been more and more on my mind, and to be honest a big shot of h sounds fucking great right now.
Just can't seem to shake this shit.

Yo! So....... This is quite the story (bath salts.. whoot!):

So I actually have always criticized bath salts. Not b/c of media mongering, but I heard it can cause really bad side effects for people; especially those with mental illness. My SO has been trying them out in the past, and EVERYTIME he would get into a psychotic state (b/c he has schizophrenia). He only gets SEVERE psychotic/psychosis when he does bath salts of any kind (any RC variation of cathinones). Anyways, yest. he's like "nah they aren't that bad, you should try them to see". I didn't want to really, but I was like "why not? something new".

So, it actually was very nice. It's like... adderall and meth combined? It's very speedy, but it has a lot of euphoria. I didn't smoke it, I snorted. And let me tell you, THAT SHIT BURNS. Worst thing I've snorted (and i've snorted salt, DMT, etc.). Anyways, it was all going good, my SO and I having fun. But then he wanted to go smoke it, so he went outside (can't smoke in our apartment). We live in a city so apparently he went to the hood part of our city (420captial) and smoked it off foil. Real sketch lol.

Anyways, he was gone longer than I thought he would be. He was okay though. BUT- then the comedown came. It's a real heavy body load and I had a pretty bad headache. I was able to manage, but then he started to have the worst psychotic episodes I've ever experienced with him.

I'm not going to give details, but I did stay up 6 hours with him trying to comfort him. I know the protocol of what to say and not say during an episode, but it's very taxing on the caregiver. You can't take anything personal cause they'll say your trying to kill em ya know? After FINALLY getting him to take more of his antipsychotics it got better, and now he's sleeping like a rock. He did say some pretty scary stuff (not anything about killing), but it triggered my PTSD real bad. However, I kept comforting him cause i couldn't break down then.

However, yet again, he had an episode on the comedown, as I have always told him. I tell him not to buy more, then he bought more secretly. I told him not to do it, then he did in 2x while I was sleeping. He's trying to hide his use, which he's never done before. I am really sad that he didn't listen to me when I say that he WILL have a psychotic episode after bathsalts.

I've been up for 27 hours, and just got 5 hours of sleep. I feel a little better, but i'm feeling very depressed and a little suicidal. I flushed rest of that drug down the toilet because he could not control his use and he's been lying to me about it. He may be mad, but I thought I made the right decision. He promised me he was going to 'sell it' and not do any, but he didn't sell one bit and instead been doing it secretly.

I really love him, and he's said that he wants to marry me, but he needs to stop doing cathinones, or really any stimulant. Of course I will always take care of him, but I'm going to have a serious discussion tomorrow that he needs to quit stimulants. I just don't know what to think right now, of course what he said wasn't him, but I am very tired (physically and emotionally). I really would like to marry him, but I am worried about what just happened. But I think if he quit drugs (or mainly stims), this severe episode won't happen ever again. In fact, he's never had one sober.

I hope when he finds his drug missing he's not angry, but I did it for his and my good. My brain and emotions are scrambled right now due to lack of sleep and stress, but I feel- deep strong depressive emotions. I wouldn't call it suicidal, but I'm extremely sad. I'm gonna hydrate, eat a snack, listen to music, and try to calm down a little. Love y'all

I'm lucky to be some of the few allowed to go to work. I'm not sure how I'd handle it at home with 2 people home almost all the time. So it still sucks that everything has changed. I read that alcohol sales (and probably pot too since it's legal here) has gone up 75%. As I've said before the thought has entered my mind to just keep popping pills until all of this is over. The thing is that I think that we are going to have a long wait. So no pill popping for me. I was talking to my coworker yesterday at work and she said that she and her date had to go to a hotel. No more going to coffee shops or restaurants. I don't go to bars, but this whole ghost town business kind of sucks. I can't get techno support. I have logged onto this adult hook up website and of course there are all sorts of people on it. Still even if you met someone you wanted to see the only place you can go is a hotel or motel. My coworker said her date rented this cool suite with room service and that they had a good time. Ok that's cool. I can see doing that if I already had a connection with someone, but still no coffee shops, no parks, no nothing. Grrrrrrrrrr! I wonder if anyone is getting laid.

Sometimes I think I know and other times I have no clue as to what's really going on. I suspect that this shit going around is a direct result of biological/chemical warfare. At other times I think it's just the media fucking with us, but then how come the whole freaking world is affected? What is the real agenda behind all of this? There are times when I wish I could take a whole bunch of painkillers everyday (this thinking is not condoned by Narcotics Anonymous lol) until this shit is over. Why do I have this eerie feeling that this shit is not going to go away any time soon? I'm not trying to be negative, just realistic and I really hope that I'm wrong people. I've tried looking around on this site to see if it has gotten a lot harder to get drugs and I suspect that the answer is hell yes it is. This is what helps me to not pick up any painkillers, the ones I have stashed for emergencies only. I keep getting a mental picture of me running out of pills and having a hell of a hard time getting more dope either legal or illegal. That said, it's probably best for me to stay sober. I haven't been to any NA meetings for a month, as they are no longer available and haven't had any success finding ones online that I can go to. I work graveyard so it's times like right now that I am wide awake at 2:30am. It's ok. I'm not going through any heavy duty fear, despair, or sadness or cravings right now so I don't feel like I'm in danger of getting loaded. I can only imagine how much it much suck for those of you with a hefty habit and having a hard time scoring. I remember back in 2001 when I first found this site and many years after that how I'd keep coming on here and posting wild ass shit while I was on pills or tweaking. One of my assignments in my online school is to turn in a report of relapse prevention. It wants to know the top 3 people that I would get loaded with. The thing is during the last 7 years my main using friends have died, so that leaves me all by myself. The paper wants to know what are the top 3 places I'd get loaded at. The answer to that is I no longer have friends places to get loaded at cause they are all gone. So again that leaves just me in my place. I guess that sounds eerily like a quarantine situation, doesn't it? For what it's worth I like being clean, but wonder how you guys are holding up?

I met a girl, in passing when I was in high school. She was 2 years behind me so, I met her when I was a junior and she was a freshman. I hung out with her brother Brandon and she always was the quiet hippie chick. Who had the glass bead around her neck, and went to all the hippie festival.s, hung out with the hippie kids etc.

You can get the idea she was a hippie chick, now I preface this blog by saying that because during this time I was very shy. Very reserved. My idea of a hot friday night wa building a badass gaming rig for a friend. (I built computers as a hobbie, I was very single) I was hardly exposed to the world of drugs at that pont, and the most intense sexual experience I had had at that point in my life was tittyfucking a redhead with DDs and not being able to last longer than 5 seconds....

Then I graduated. Sabrina became somebody I used to know, along with 99% of everyone else I had gone to school with.. and I didn think much of her. These people become the random people you see on facebook posting lies about how awesome their lives truly arent

Fast forwad to last year...

I unexpectedly lost my mother, who I'd lived with my entire life. As a 27 year old who never fully left the nest, my mom and I had a rocky relationship but were very codependant and had finally reached a place in our lives where we supported each other. Then the rug was pulled out.

I'd never heard of sepsis, but I read up real quick. She had septic shock and for a story I'll post anther day, she spent 13 days in ICU before I ultimately had to make the decision to pull her off life support. She made it 9 minutes on her own before crossing over.

As a loner, I'd just lost the only person in my life, and truly became alone.

I had no body, and wanted to die. Then not a month later my grandfather and uncle get killed by a drunk driver in Chattanooga. My grandfather was the only member of my family I spoke to other than mom... So, I find myself now 28, and completely and utterly devastated, and alone.

Thoughts of suicide began to go from ideation to planning to writing letters to my ex's and my very small group of friends who had seemed to forget about me during the worst moment of my life.
----

Then I got a message from Sabrina on facebook..

She wanted to come over and see me, and she did. And I had my first actual conversation with her. She had an unbelievable ability ot calm me down, I'd essentially been fighting one long mental breakdown, and her aura was something of which I'd never experienced. I got to finally look at her fully, up close, and not just stealing glances from the corner of my eyes when Brandon and I would hang out back in the day.

Sabrina has a perfect body, the quintessential female hour glass figure, skinny... not thick.. but not bones eiher. She was so sensual, I'd never noticed. As the weeks went by I Grew closer to her, and found out she had a 2nd brother Dustin.

I'd never known about this brother, but.. when I went to her house I got to talk to Dustin, and he talked about his sister. They were siblings. I was becoming intoxicated with her magnetic way about her.

-----

Until I realized while scrolling through facebook, and her profile... that Dustin was her boyfriend. That they both had coordinated a lie. Then I realized, Id been giving her money for her addiction to H....

What little bit of hope that she had brought back into a life so darkened by loneliness... was not just gone, but gone forever..

To be continued..(names are changed because she does lruk these forums)

----- There will be lots more, I need to vent and this is the only place I know I can be honest and not be judged. I love you bluelight - TC

I wish I had not had been red pilled regarding some things that I was able for a long long time to just ignore or deliberately not see.

But I have and from multiple reliable good mates and some by accident. Some have been a bit surprised that I just didn't seem to know. I sort of did yet wasn't involved at all therefore it wasn't hapoening.

I don't want to know, stop being so clear in your intentions as it's just so hypocritical and not going to achieve anything positive long term, the type of people that come running are not going to add anything just use you for their own gain then leave.

Not much point in that.




Alas; shitposting here makes no sense, just wondering why the hell are you not acting on this?

Nothing like the sun going down on the beach to make all the shit very insignificant.



Life's damn good.

A bullet.

I am shy.

I am foolish.

I am bubbly.

I am stubborn.

I should change.

I can heal.

Nourish. Protect. Heal.

Little blog mantra experiment.

Time to go to bed.

Up past it.

Brain needs it now.

Except my cat.

don't snort tianeptine

We are stuck with a Prime Minister who is a member of the Hillsong Pentecostal Church. They believe the End of Times is already near and God will save them (the rest of us can go to hell). I’m not making this up:





Please help! All we can do is try to keep our spirits up as our country burns and floods.

Dont pray for us!
We dont need no modern jesus to roll with us!
The only rule we need is never....
Giving Up.......
The only faith we have is faith in us!

James Douglas Morrison. Jim and I go way back I’m not a “fan-girl” who thinks he was hot in his leather pants. I don’t actually find him that attractive. His mind though was stunning. People like to dismiss him as some kid on acid who was in the right place at the right time. No.. The guy wrote in the same way Van Gogh painted — compulsively and constantly.

This has special significance for me and I haven’t listened to it (or any Doors) lately. The internet never gets the lyrics right and they change from version to version. Too tired to correct them.




I want to tell you 'bout Texas radio and the Big Beat
Comes out of the Virginia swamps
Cool and slow with plenty of precision
With a back beat narrow and hard to master
Some call it heavenly in its brilliance
Others, mean and rueful of the Western dream

I love the friends I have gathered together on this thin raft
We have constructed pyramids in honor of our escaping
This is the land where the Pharaoh died
The Negroes in the forest brightly feathered
They are saying, "forget the night
Live with us in forests of azure
Out here on the perimeter there are no stars
Out here we is stoned, immaculate"

Listen to this, and I'll tell you 'bout the heartache
I'll tell you 'bout the heartache and the loss of God
I'll tell you 'bout the hopeless night
The meager food for souls forgot
I'll tell you 'bout the maiden with wrought iron soul

I'll tell you this
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
I'll tell you 'bout Texas radio and the Big Beat
Soft, driven, slow and mad, like some new language
Now, listen to this, and I'll tell you 'bout the Texas
I'll tell you 'bout the Texas radio
I'll tell you 'bout the hopeless night
Wandering the Western dream
Tell you 'bout the maiden with wrought iron soul

Man, it's been four years since I wrote in my blog here at Bluelight and it seems like a lot has changed since then. But I feel like I really need to start writing again, and since I've documented bits and pieces of my story here I figured this is the platform to continue on. I kinda like reading back through the years, seeing where I was and where I've traveled too.
It's Feburary 3rd, 2020 and I am living in a transitional/sober living community. On August 5th, 2019 I voluntarily admitted myself into a long term rehabilitation treatment program. I completed three months of residential treatment and transferred into the transitional living community here on camps. It's really nice; I have my own three bedroom house for about 1/3-1/4 of the going rent prices in the city I live in. I've been here for about three months and I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon. Of course I am randomly UA'd and breathalyzed, have a campus wide curfew I have to abide by and I don't have the freedom to just leave campus whenever I feel like it, and I also still have group requirements and such to adhere to but I really don't mind it. It's helping me tremendously-helping me to create new habits and re-wire the circuitry in my brain so I'll grow stronger for when I finally decide to move out. If I decided I wanted to move out tomorrow I could coin out and be done with the program but I feel that if I stay longer the benefits I'll reap outweigh the rules and regulations that can be bothersome at times. I'm working on repairing the relationship that I completely trashed, the one with my daughter's father. When I went off the deep end with alcohol I promptly burned that bridge right to the ground. The kindling that fueled the fire of my addictions had been stoking for many many years before I finally burned white hot, and when I did everything around me caught fire. I didn't seem to care at all-I thought it was funny that I woke up needing to take a drink every few hours, or that I had a seizure and bit half my tongue off landing in a five day coma-like it was a badge of honor. How stupid was I? Pretty fucking stupid. I let myself fall prey to a very abusive relationship-the guy helped me rack up a $7, 415 bill that I owe to one of the realty companies I rented from in 2017-18. He would get drunk and angry and throw heavy shit at my head, missing my a few inches and take out the fridge, or the stove, or he'd punch a few holes in the wall or break a window. He would always apologize and say he'd fix it or pay for it, but he never did and I'm stuck with the bill on my credit report. Thus yet another reason I'm staying put because I don't think anyone would rent to me with the way my credit it right now. But I can't really blame anyone but myself. When I finally was down to my last few milligrams of methadone I needed to jump off I found myself highly dependent on alcohol. The years of anger, rage, pain, trauma just finally bubbled up to the surface and broke through. Had I not went through the fire of rock bottom I wouldn't have burned all that off and found the help that I so truly needed as the addiction and lifestyle that came with it was all just a symptom of something deeper. Being here, in rehab has allowed me the time and space to really work on myself. To heal decades old pains and traumas and to unearth hidden demons that I thought would just always live inside me. I'm grateful for this new opportunity to live life without masking feeling. On January 31st I celebrated six months of complete sobriety. I've NEVER had that. Since I picked up smoking pot when i was 13 I never went more than a few days without getting high one way or another. Even through pregnancy and childbirth I was at least stoned. I've got nothing against cannabis, and when I move out of sober living I plan on smoking cannabis again, but for right now, I'm ok with not. I also plan on reintroducing psychedelics into my world. I've also kicked cigarettes...I do use a vape for nicotine, which I'm happy with and don't plan on giving up if I don't have to. Well, for now, that's it. Just a quick update for my own records. I do hope to start writing in my blog more often, but we'll see how that goes. I'm keeping myself pretty busy with work, recovery groups, crossfit and my kids. But hopefully I'll find time to write, as the outlet is a great one for me personally. Off to group I go now.
~cheers~

I started this whole long story for 4/20 about 2 years ago - the first time I smoked a laced cigarette (not that it has anything to do with 4/20 but smoking made me think of it) and because the story was so long and detailed, I just got tired. And a lot of me died. And my life fell apart. And now I'm slowly putting it back together. And there are always more stories to share...but what matters is...I'm writing again.

What does it all mean? Whats the point? Is it fate? Is it Ali laying next to me? Is it where I'm from? My old friends? Me? My family? My mom? My sports teams? All of the above plus a trillion other things? Probably.

I inducted on suboxone this morning after a two week heroin run. It was "rough". Opiate withdrawal is nasty. Even if it's only for a few hours. It was a little taste of what will happen if I make mistakes.

I gotta be perfect.

"See the thing is you only gotta fuck up once. Be a little slow, be a little late, just once. And how you ain't ever gonna be a little slow? A little late? No you cant plan through this shit man, its life"

is a little love to take the pain away...

Have you ever seen the dark.
I walked backwards without a spark.
Then you know what really matters, matters.
Have you ever crossed that line between what's real and left undone?
Then you know what really matters, matters.
When everything seems so dark,
The sun is rising somewhere far.
Don't look back, you're not alone.
Cause together we rule the world.
Together we rule the world..
Cause we know what really matters, matters.
Behind the wars and battlefields,
Fights a young soul with shattered dreams
He don't know what really matters, matters.
When everything seems so dark,
The sun is rising somewhere far.
Don't look back, you're not alone.
Together we rule the world.
Together we rule the world.
Together we rule the world.
When everything seems so dark,
Together we rule the world.
The sun is rising somewhere far.
Don't look back, you're not alone.
Together we rule the world.
Cause together we rule the world.
Everything seems so dark,
The sun is rising somewhere far.
Don't look back, you're not alone.
Cause together we rule the world.



I love you Mel