Blogs

I'm 28 years old. I'm almost an identical copy of myself at 18 except that I'm more worn down, used up, and played out. I've tossed around ideas of how to move forward in life and long ago passed them by. I've got big ideas for the future, but no concept of where to begin. As I approach 30, I'm finding that I ask myself more frequently "what are you going to do?" When am I supposed to get my ass in gear? I'm at the same job I got at 19, it's good and all, but it's DEFINITELY not what I want to do forever and every day is starting to feel more and more like an eternity. Every week is just the same fucking thing. I need change.

Every time I feel like I'm figuring out what I want to do, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I have no idea how to go about it. I'd like to think I'm someone who can generally sit down and figure out the most complicated of tasks if given ample time, but how do you get yourself going after almost 10 years of the same old shit?

Go to school.
Ballin ass career.
Kind of a big deal.
Totally blowin up.
GTFO.

Are my goals in that order.

Today, Donna called to say hello and check up on me since we haven't seen or spoken to each other in a coupla weeks. I have a bit of a crush on her (she's the girl I mention in this entry) and she was a significant part of me getting back into recovery from 'relapse' into a painful IV coke habit.

Anyway, we ended up going to the mall together so she could make some exchanges. It was a good time! I dig shopping and I think she enjoyed the fact that I kinda know some things about clothes (surprise surprise everyone!)

We were walking through the mall and saw a dude that had a mental affliction of some sort grabbing a crumpled bag of thrown out fast food from the trash. Donna asked 'Are you hungry, baby?' the dude said 'yes' so we went to his favorite burger place in the food court and got him a burger, fries and a drink.

After leaving him we rolled out to Philly to make a meeting. We got there late (at the end of the initial readings) and as we walked in the door someone asked Donna if she would share. She accepted in a humble manner.

I had never been to this meeting and it was HUGE! There were maybe 80 or 90 people there and it was REAL refreshing. I was emotionally impacted by watching so many different folks getting together to achieve a common goal... another day clean.

Donna is a real deep chick and has a heart full of compassion that is tempered with a nice edge. She's also sexy as shit!!!! and she shared an awesome message of experience, strength and hope

After the meeting we were driving back to our area and Donna got a phone call. My sponsor's wife's son just died and everyone was at the hospital to support her. This woman just lost her brother 4 months ago and her mother 2 months ago. Now, her 25 year old son died from sickle cell, pneumonia and something else. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. Alll these deaths at once and now her son has passed.

We met everyone at the hospital to support her and then rolled out to my sponsor and sponsor's wife's apartment (bringing pizza and soda for everyone)

We stayed for an hour or so to just be there with her. THIS IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT. It isn't about us anymore, man. Its about being there for others when needed.

The comaraderie, acceptance, humility, gratitude, compassion, empathy, patience and tolerance that was experienced today was beautiful. I wish the circumstances were different but I guess these painful experiences (sometimes not our own) are required in order to learn.

Please be strong, Stephanie... we got you covered in this time of need

I'm not scared anymore. I'm not scared of death. The only thing I'm scared about is hurting other.

Well i haven't written in i don't know how many days, i don't think i should bore anyone with my shit Anyway i'm kind of dreading things getting back to normal. The last few weeks have been easy as i was getting ready for christmas so i was busy everyday. My partner goes back to work tomorrow & then my daughter goes back to sch next mon. Usually i would bring my daughter to sch then come home & have my smoke, now what am i going to do ? I really am starting to panic about this. On one hand its great not to be scoring, saving so much money but i know what i'm like when i'm by myself, my mind goes into over drive, gear gear gear ! I just hope i have enough will power not to go buy that bash crap thats out there. You wouldn't mind if it was normal prices but i can't justify paying €50 for a bad €20 bag. So we shall see my friends Take care til next time BL !

Mods - I wasn't sure where to put this so here we go...

Got a note today from someone over at the Trip Project, a harm reduction organization based out of Toronto, Canada. They're good folks. Although I haven't even *seen* K in ages, I know some of you who read this probably have.

Thanks for the heads up, Trip Project.

Hey Everyone,

please pass word along to any k users you know, especially if anyone's picked up anything unsual during the new years rush and are still sitting on it.

We've just received some reports of something being sold as k that apparently contains a substance with very dangerous side-effects.

A user who purchased off an unknown source was hospitalized with very serious symptoms, including bleeding out the sides of their eyes. They were taken to a hospital in the GTA and the doctor they spoke with told them that they had seen multiple cases of this specifically related to ketamine use.

This is an unheard-of side-effect for actual ketamine, so this suggests that someone has decided to try not only cutting but actually 'faking' the batch with another active substance. There are pharmaceuticals on the market which can produce these side-effects in overdose situations.

Be very, very cautious right now and only go through trusted sources if you're going to be trying to purchase k. Ketamine in the city is widely reported as being in short supply, so if you're not certain that you've got a solid connect, it is highly recommended that you don't put much, if any, into your body.

We've been told that snorting this k causes a sensation of a chemical burn and it was loosely described as "shardy", but those details are vague.

We're working on getting more information and will pass it along as it becomes available, but this is serious enough that we wanted to let you know immediately.

If you have any information, please contact us here or at [email protected]

Click to expand...

Stay safe, everyone.

And I swear I will update this thing once I have my thoughts a little bit better collected. Suffice to say life has been as interesting and full of surprises as always... more later, wanted to get the K bulletin out before anyone back east (or wherever) does any of this batch. Who knows what is in this stuff.

well...new year turned out to be good. nothing spectacular or anything. had 3 gram of coke between 3 of us. was intense. been so long since i last had it. gotta keep it as a one off tho cos i love that stuff way too much. dappa's birthday bash saturday...not sure if i am going yet. we shall see. would love to ofcourse. still thinking about this pregnancy thing. not as much as before but glad to know when my period is so i can keep track atleast. if it happens it happens, if not then life goes on for another month. stick to the usual. to be honest i am getting sick of the raving lifestyle. its becoming boring to me. maybe i'm passed it????

already started trying to better myself for new year. loving life atm. trying to keep house tidy, being better with my man. trying to all round just be a happier person. shouldnt have told joanne about the extremes our relationship has come to but in a way it was good to talk. i dont wanna be that person anymore.

thinking of having a bath. really tired atm. not feeling to good, very uncomfortable. irritable that sorta thing. eating far too many fatty foods. could do without eating cheese and bacon everyday. hmmmm.

joanne just seems to throw different problems at me everyday, she's starting to become somewhat of an annoyance cos i know its just for attention. i still try to help cos i love her to bits. i really think this thing with matho is the only thing keeping her sane but messing her up too. glad rob has fucked off now. she needs to chill with the coke tho.

liam has been round passed couple days, was good to see him. actually missed him when he went. he really is like a little brother to me.

destiny found a 5er and i convinced her it was mine and gave her a pound in return. shouldnt have done it but the kid has loads of money in her money box. we have nothing! she is doing so well at saving tho, i will repay her.

So, I woke up at 4pm and struggled for 3 hours until the meeting started. I raised my hand lettin' folks know I had 24 hours or less of being clean and sat through the meeting. It was tolerable.

After the meeting... fuck, man...

I was talking to a girl, Donna who has 19 years clean and my sponsor, Henry (who just celebrated 19 years yesterday). Honesty is important to me in affairs of stuff like this (when Im tryna get high, honesty isn't on the list). I let them know that I am unsure of my commitment and was kinda afraid.

They spoke to me like they had timewarped back to the days when they were using and then came back. They remembered this 'lifestyle' real well.

Donna said, 'So what's your plan for tomorrow? How ya gonna get through?'. I didn't have one and she helped me come up with a simple plan of calling a coupla folks tomorrow to stay on track. I gave Henry a hug and told him I would call him tomorrow.

Donna stepped right the fuck up and said 'So, where ya headed off to? What are you going to do?' I didn't have an answer. 'Home' was what I said but she knew what that meant.

'Why you rushing off to nothing when there are about 15 people here chatting it up? You're running off to be by yourself. The longer you sit with yourself the more time you'll have to come up with some ridiculous caper to get high.' She was right.

So, we kept talking and Henry pointed out that its a miracle that I was at a meeting. This means that I WANT to get clean and that I am asking for help. I am indeed asking for help but...

I started shifting around and playing with my water bottle. Donna tapped Henry on the shoulder and said 'See how he's shifting around? That obsession is comin' back.'

She looked at me and said, 'Maybe you need treatment?'

'I've been thinking about it and think it might be necessary'

Donna looked at Henry and asked 'Can you drive him to the facility tonight?'

TONIGHT?!?!!?!? Now I'm scared.

Donna tapped a button on her phone and asked if there were any beds available tonight and I wanted to run.

I came up with some excuses but we all know what our excuses add up to, just a bunch of nonsense to avoid responsibility.

We kept talking and the sincere care, the 'no fucking around with this' attitude and the FEELING I got from these two people.

Everything they said made perfect sense and it all applied to me but, NOW?

'What are you thinkin' about right now' Henry asked.

'Two forties of malt liquor' was how I replied. 'I don't want to seem ungrateful, guys, I am overwhelmed with the fact that you are taking time from your in-progress lives and trying to help me, but tonight? I have paraphernalia laying at my spot in the open and I CANNOT have my mom coming to my place to see that.'

'Not good enough. You call one of us when your in there and we'll swing by and get that shit gone for you.' (Donna don't fuck around it seems)

'This is an OPPORTUNITY for you man! You have two people here that want to help you, take it man. I can tell you, you keep doing what you're doing and we may never see you again. You don't have to live like this anymore. You're asking for help, right? Please take it, you may never get another chance' Henry added

I told them that I would do it tomorrow and was able to leave filled with guilt that I was being ungrateful. Feeling like pride was fucking with me again.

They knew what I was going to do...

On my way to the store to get my cheap alcohol, i called someone I respect for their opinion. I am in agreement with everyone tonight but I simply can't go to rehab tonight.

When getting high, its all about 'Now'.

Tonight, 'Now' scared the shit out of me.

So, what am I gonna do? I'm going to honor my word and respect that folks care about me and are WILLING to help (even when I only want it in a half-assed manner)

Tomorrow, I'm gonna clean the apartment and take the steps to do this. Treatment again is what I need to do.

I do believe NA can help me stay clean but I do not believe NA can get me clean.

I feel ungrateful. I feel like a loser.

I'll get to the right spot soon enough... just not 'Now'

It is what it is, I suppose.

I went 18 days without smoking cigarettes. The first two days I used a patch, after that I 'cold-turkeyed'. I was doing well until recently. Maybe not as well as I thought.

Nothing is good enough for me. I'm trying real fucking hard to make up for all that time I lost in my life getting high. Pushing myself too fucking hard in an attempt to be someone I think I am. Now at 101 days completely abstinent I am also completely miserable.

I work out hard and i was jogging. I've made significant gains in muscle and tone. It isn't good enough.

I eat healthy and avoid eating for pleasure. I have a flat stomach now with those abs I hear women like. It isn't good enough.

The past coupla days I've been internally violent. I've had thoughts of cutting, burning and suicide. I've considered using again. I've been wanting to hurt people.

This isn't me, man, it just fucking ISN'T. I'm looking for acceptance through other things but my own. I fail in accepting me for me. I get hard on myself wondering why women like me for reasons other than what I want them to like me for.

Folks at work last night mentioned that they were worried about me. That I'm trying to do too much at once. That my personality has changed significantly. I smoked a cigarette and felt MUCH better.

I just bought a pack because i'm tired of feeling this and feel i'm not ready or willing to be miserable right now.

It sucks. After 16 days of not having nicotine in my system, I know its all psychological. All that discomfort and suffering was almost for nothing now.

All I we really want is to feel good about ourselves, right? Well, I need these fucking cigarettes right now to temporarily feel good and 'distract' and kill these new feelings of self-disgust.

I need to just relax and roll with it.

...anywhere

I can't seem to fit in anywhere I feel right; not even really here. I suppose I sort of fit in at school, but even there not really. I never feel like I belong. Like I'm left out of the joke or something. I don't want to force the feeling of being accepted though, because then I don't think it would really be real. *sigh*

The only time I feel right, like I am part of something or I know what I'm doing & what is going on is when I'm using. No matter who is in the room, I know how to use & abuse my drugs. It makes me feel safe.

Between that feeling & how my past relationships made me feel accepted & loved, I don't think this is very good. I've been with abusers, lunatics, druggies, dealers, cheaters & more. FUCK! >_<

K so long time no blog but got to get something written down. Honestly lost again i know that its just that time of year for me to be depressed but damn this year is bad. No job no money and according to my family I became a drunk. Possibly all reasons to be depressed but something else is bugging me. Cant put my finger on it. I'm lost in myself cant find anything that looks familiar. Right now constantly getting bitched at to do something with myself or be out on my ass. That doesn't bother me. I have recently withdrew from the world I don't have any friends really I keep everyone else at a safe distance. That doesn't bother me. I barely eat any more drink a fifth a day and quit doing drugs that actually make me happy. That doesn't bother me. What really gets to me is that I don't care and couldn't care if I wanted to. I'm not worried about losing anything including myself. No interest in anything no will to contact friends or family or continue any hobbies, reading, fucking or even sleeping has become boring.( not to mention started having more and more vivid nightmares every night.)

No idea why I'm even posting this not looking for help, advice or sympathy. I think I just had to read it myself to see how pathetic it is. I think I'm really really frightened deep down but I'm so numb that it doesn't bother me. Even thinking about dying drums up no emotion the mere thought simply bores me. This all might pass again but how many more times until I give up. How many more times can I hit my bottom and actually want to crawl back out. Especially because I'm fond of rock bottom love having nothing left to lose. I started to accept that nothing is ever gonna come of this life, maybe that's the real problem. Just no idea how I would think any differently. Truth is no one but me can fix this but cant motivate myself I always just quit before I begin, seeing the whole situation as pointless. Why?

I guess the whole point is if I cant even recognise myself any more where did I lose myself.

Rough time to fight addiction. This guy I liked asked me to go with him to a New Years party, so I agreed. Everyone around me was snorting lines & drinking like crazy. X & shrooms were being passed around like you have no idea! It was so irritating not to use at all. But thankfully, the guy I liked was sweet enough not to use anything & just spend time with me.

THEN!!!! I FIND OUT ALL THE FUCKING BASTARD WANTED TO DO WAS FUCK ME! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Needless to say, I was quite angry. So I punched him in the balls & went home.

Happy New Years

Today I met with someone that I think I can now officially call a true friend. She is a girl that I have know for a while, but never really been close to. When thinking about how I should have a better way to outlet myself, I thought I should take a chance & talk to her about my life.

At first, things were going well. We met at Burger King & over some lunch started to talk. I found myself telling her everything. Talking to her about my abusive history, suicidal thoughts, family problems, drug use, ADDICTION, therapy & so much more. She just sat there & listened to me. It felt so good to get it all out. Then, she started to tell me about her! I've never had this experience before. It was like we shared a moment & we trusted eachother.

Later on we were sitting & chatting at the park. By this time, we had shared so much with each other. I started to get in depth about my substance abuse; she pulled out a little pipe & packs it. Fuck! She started smoking, then passed it to me. I kept thinking that if i rejected it I would lose this new, real friend. So we smoked. The weed hit me fast, I was trippin so badly.

She started asking me all kinds of questions about my sex life & drugs. She ended up saying she wanted to get a g of coke. I called up my connect & made that shit happen. I got so caught up in it. The world got so distraught. I found someone to confide in & support me, but she wants into the life of drugs, & I'm wanting out.

What to do? Lose this connection (something I've never had before) in hopes to get & stay clean.. OR keep my new friend & my addiction.

[continued from previous entry - again, all comments are welcome!]

Now, my personal opinion on this (as one who is active in HR on- and off-line), and I'm pretty sure the opinion of a large selection of BL'rs if DITM responses tell us anything, heavily leans toward the "HR-as-a-philosophy" (principled) side rather than the "HR-as-a-set-of-practises" (pragmatic) side. However, from the outset allow me to clarify that my extreme disagreement with the pragmatic side does not prevent me from working with them to achieve this common goal. It is with the latter point that I actually agree with the CCSA: that ideology ought to be secondary to goals.

With that said, allow me to begin by quoting Hunt's own definition of HR:

In essence, harm reduction refers to policies and programmes that aim to reduce the harms associated with the use of drugs. A defining feature is their focus on the prevention of drug-related harm rather than the prevention of drug use per se. One widely-cited conception of harm reduction distinguishes harm at different levels - individual, community and societal - and of different types - health, social and economic (Newcombe 1992). These distinctions give a good indication of the breadth of focus and concern within harm reduction.

Click to expand...

I have bolded a line that I think is critical, and I couldn't help but note that community and society were simply left out of their formal definitions. This is because if we are to accept that that individuals are shaped by their communities, and if we are to accept that societies emerge from the individuals and communities whom they comprise, then we would have to agree that reducing harm for the individual and community necessarily means reducing harm for society, and vice-versa. This would inevitably lead to the question of the societal-harms of criminalization and penalization.

If we are to examine society as a power-dominant structure which is comprised of various smaller structures or institutions (Education, Law, Medicine, etc.), themselves comprised of hierarchies of power-relations; we would clearly find in policies, textbooks, and diagnosis manuals an implicit, but very clear lack of acceptance of the drug-user’s validity as a human. This is demonstrated primarily through the criminalisation of the drug-user, and in some cases the medicalization thereof. As such, we are not surprised that drug-users are ostracized within their own communities, thus compromising their social-integration. The drug user, when not behind bars, is either a criminal or a sick person, or potentially either, or both. He is a mythological creature that exists on the periphery of human reality, occasionally appearing and disappearing, but never recognized as essentially-human. This, of course, is the conclusion derived through a systemic-analysis to arrive at the status-quo. There may be individuals and groups (such as BL and the HR-related ones discussed here) that have a more humane outlook on drug-users, but their opinions are, as it stands, heterodox with regards to the abovementioned reality-consensus implied by the dominant structure.

This systemic stigmatisation of the drug-user is every bit as, if not even MORE harmful, than the drug-use itself. It harms the community by alienating its youth, it harms society by allowing atrocities like the War on Drugs to gnaw on financial and social resources endlessly and legitimating the imprisonment of what could have been a productive members of society otherwise. Going back to Hunt’s paper, we find a very succinct survey of research examining the social and community harms of the penalization of drug-users (subsection 3.4, see link above).

Ignoring the social impacts of penalization makes life easy, but doesn’t change the fact that we’re lying to ourselves by ignoring the social aspect of HR. So long as the dominant structure ostracizes the drug-user, the pragmatic part of HR (it’s apparently-successful application), is at best incomplete. So long as the War on Drugs is alive and well, any successful application or HR is successful in spite, rather than because of the power-dominant structure. It would take a systemic paradigm shift, a “turn” in all institutional practises that exclude or otherwise subjugate the drug-user by denying her humanity, for HR to become an integral part of society, hence extending its scope to Social-HR.

And indeed, even with those who left out society from their formal definition, nevertheless implicitly but clearly express the fact that society is just as important as the individual when it comes to HR. Observe the subsections as you scroll down IHRA’s. And as for bodies like the CCSA, it is understandable that one seeking change within the bounds of the system would attempt to present their view as objective and free of ideology. But as such, they are in fact implicitly consenting to the same status-quo that has been shown to cause harm to individuals and communities that they are trying to help.

I do not purport to be neutral on the matter. I have strong biases shaped by my (limited) training in Social Theory, namely the neo-marxist point of view. That said, I also realize that the current reality only allows me to work within the bounds of the law. I think it is wrong not to take an opportunity to help others, even if you realize that said opportunity is nothing more than bone thrown to us by the master, and can be taken away any time at his whim.

(Thank you for reading!)

First here are my 2010 resolutions and how I did on them:
2010 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

1~Move out of my parents house.
- Mostly a fail. Moved out on and off briefly at the start of the year.

2~Improve my bad habits.
- Epic fail.

3~Improve my relationships.
- Mostly a fail, although also a small win for starting some new ones

4~Work hard to make money online.
- Win. Haven't made much money but have been working hard on MySurvey.com

5~Continue an exercise program.
- Partial win. I exercise fairly consistently.

6~Take a trip somewhere or move out of state.
- Win! Went to Ultra in Miami :D

7~Don't cut.
- Fail.

8~Don't shoplift.
- Fail.

9~Try to be as vegan as possible.
- Win. I am not fully vegan but I AM trying to be as vegan as possible

10~Make sure my cats are always taken good care of.
- WIN!

2011 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!!!

1~Go to 12 step meetings regularly, no matter how brutal they can be.

2~Spend more time with friends, no matter how anxious I am.

3~Get a job.

4~Get a therapist.

5~Recognize and write down my moral dilemmas. Record the outcomes of my decisions regarding these. Decided if the outcome was worth the decision.

6~Go bird-watching.

7~When angry wait 24 hours before making a decision on a course of action.

8~Draw at least weekly.

9~Exercise at least 3 times a week.

10~Don't cut.

What are your 2011 resolutions?

[c/p from TDS, for memory.]

2010 has been a tough year for me and everyone I know. I wouldn't be surprised if it was also tough for a lot of people in here.

I believe my worst enemy is forgetfulness. When I forget about the divine, I forget about the good in me. And when I forget the good in me, I forget the good in others, and by the time all of these are forgotten, I'd have spiraled far down into melancholia and multiple petty addictions.

I hope that by forcing ourselves to write down seven personal victories we've accomplished in 2010, no matter how big or small, will help us all remember. Why seven? Because this idea is inspired from one of my favourite ever threads that I made: (Post 7 positive points about your body.) -- btw, I dare you guys to post in that thread! . Seven also because tomorrow would be a week clean of Codeine, having relapsed after getting clean earlier this year.

So, let me start:

1. Passed the Government's certification test for operating Amateur (Ham) Radio, against all odds (I'm number-dyslexic).
2. Got my driver's license after a decade of struggle (got it before, went overseas to have it expire before upgrading, failed subsequent tests, etc).
3. Managed to stick to the 2 glasses of wine per day rule, after the nightmare I endured about a year and a month ago.
4. Beat benzo addiction again after a 2 year relapse; beat codeine addiction again after 4 months relapse (following another codeine victory btw)
5. Reconnected with two friends I consider soul-mates, who restored my faith in myself and others.
6. Reconnected with the Divinity implicit in all, with whom I lost touch in the past year, which also restored my faith and helped beat addiction.
7. Discovered a career-path that could potentially be my "true calling," and started working toward it. All signs so far tell me I'm on the right path.

Home from therapy.

I met my therapist as Grace. Just Grace. She was a short, fat & happy little asian woman. He office was filled with throw pillows & ugly art. She was very bubbly & cracked a few jokes. Then we got down to business.

Grace had me think as far back into my childhood as I could. The farthest back I could remember was when I was 3 and my uncle died from a heroin overdose. I remember him buying me a cowgirl outfit at Disneyland. Then we were at a BBQ & he was so doped up that he caught himself on fire & didn't even feel it. He burnt the hell out of his face & his hand. 2 days later, he overdosed.

She had me continue my sad trip down memory lane. I talked to her for 2 hours. All she did was sit there & listen. She didn't take notes or anything, just listened.

After I was done, she told me to open myself up to people & to keep a detailed diary of my thoughts & emotions. She also said I had been tramatized at some point in my life (no duh) & that my mind was hyperactive (I think too much?) Grace perscribed me some sleeping pills & antidepressants.

Now I'm at home reflecting on what happened. It felt good to let everything out & for someone to be that interested in my life & how I feel. My dad was amazingly supportive. He made me appointmens every Tuesday & Thursday for the next 2 months. If I get anything from therapy, it might just be to learn not bottle shit up & hide myself from everyone.

Hopefully I can share my life with some of you Bluelighters.
JP

I'm really getting freaked out about dreams. So many of them have been some kind of premonition, and it's freaking me out.

I remember a few from this year. First, while I was living with my ex at the beginning of the year, I dreamed he cheated on me. It really bothered me. It wasn't until we got back together that it came true. But that is not really the weird one.

After we broke up, I had a dream that he and I were at his house and we were together again. We were hiding from his family. Well, he wasn't sure if he wanted me to meet his kids yet when we got back together, so I hid in his house the first time I was there, so his kids couldn't see me.

I also dreamed that I was happy in my old house while I was growing up. I was in the kitchen, playing with kids. After he reintroduced me to his kids, I played Connect 4 with his kids in the kitchen.

While we were together about 2 weeks ago, I dreamed we broke up. 3 days later we broke up.

I know it sounds stupid, but there are more from last year. It is freaking me out.

Last night I dreamed that everything I willed and wanted came to fruition. It had nothing to do with my ex. It was all materialistic things. I am curious if this dream means something. Most of my dreams have come true within a week or two, especially if I haven't interacted with the person in a while.

I'm really broken hearted over this past December. It was horrible. I decided to play with my tarot deck. I am not great at cards, but the chaos, deceit show up a lot as well as many court cards. I should probably stay away from them, because it's just making me nervous.

[copypasta from P&S thread for the record. Feel free to comment!]

This thread has been inspired by a recent tangent I got into in CEP. I'd link it here for posterity, but it is so riddled with irrelevant sub-arguments that I think it is best that we start anew while keeping in with the problem presented:

Like everything else Drug-Related, the mere mention of HR is bound to polarize people of different persuasions. There is an on-going debate about the definition of "Harm Reduction" within and amongst drug users themselves, HR-related NGO's, and Policy-makers.

First, I will post the definition of HR that is formally adopted by most entities dealing with it, for example:

IHRA said:

Harm reduction refers to policies, programmes and practices that aim to reduce the harms associated with the use of psychoactive drugs in people unable or unwilling to stop. The defining features are the focus on the prevention of harm, rather than on the prevention of drug use itself, and the focus on people who continue to use drugs.

Source: International Harm Reduction Association.

Click to expand...

Very similar definitions can be found in other sources, including college textbooks, as well as being Bluelight's mandate (unless I'd been doing something wrong all these years ).

The problem is that, over-time, disparate instances of harm-reductive practices have inevitably converged to give rise to a philosophy of HR based on commonalities between these practices.

Because of the fact that a central concept in HR is the tolerance towards the individual's continued drug-use and instead focusing on minimizing the risks associated with that use, a major debate arose as to whether HR should necessarily entail de-penalization of drug users (and, to some, the legalization of drugs by extension).

For example, the Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse published a paper detailing their position in the debate. They conclude:

(Hunt 2003) said:

For some, harm reduction has evolved into a philosophy for dealing with drug abuse and addiction. We would argue that ―harm reduction‖ is not a single entity, but consists of any number of programs, policies and interventions that seek to reduce the adverse consequences of drug use, be it alcohol consumption, smoking or injection drug use.

(...)

The argument is sometimes made that harm reduction is far more than a term or a sampling of interventions drawn from its menu, but rather that it constitutes a philosophy. Adopting what is often positioned as an "all or nothing" approach simply reinforces the fears of those opposed to endorsing an open-ended definition. If this remains as a precondition of agreement on harm reduction measures, then we can despondently project little change for the future. It is time to break free of strongly held positions and to commit to understanding harm reduction measures as part of a comprehensive continuum that also includes prevention, education, detoxification, treatment and follow-up.

Click to expand...

The debate is best illustrated from both sides in A widely-cited literature-review by Neil Hunt (VERY recommended background reading, both for this thread and in general, for those active in HR).

ome people consider that harm reduction’s underlying tention is to achieve drug law reform and promote the legalization of drugs. It is an undeniable fact that some advocates of harm reduction are also advocates of drug law reform and the creation of some form of legal, regulated market, for some or all drugs that are currently proscribed and, effectively, unregulated. Equally, many harm reductionists would oppose such developments. Yet others would reject dealing with drugs within the criminal law but retain civil penalties for drug use. There is no consensus on this issue among harm reductionists.

Some harm reductionists would, and do, argue that public policy regarding drugs - including the prevailing system of drug prohibition - should be subject to a utilitarian appraisal that evaluates the costs and benefits of prohibition and bases policy upon the evidence of what works best. This somewhat glosses over the considerable difficulties of generating good evidence in this area; although there is a developing and instructive evidence base concerning depenalisation policies, primarily with reference to cannabis, which is summarised in section 3.4.

Click to expand...

(He then goes on to talk about the CCSA's position outlined above as a typical example of the other side of the argument.)

---

[Continued in part II.]

I've been doin dope for the most part, and the rare OC someone found. Just wish I could find something as steady on quality... I hate the gamble of good or not. What are you doing since the OC turned to OP?

I have written a bit about my youngest child...Her mum is Mexican yada,yada and uh, yada. Well after travelling a lot I expected to spend New Years back in the Philippines. As an Israeli-Jew neither Xmas nor Western New Year mean anything to me. Yet I felt that I would relax up on Luzon with Joysa and her family.

On December 23 I received a very heartfelt email from my youngest daughter as well as a separate one from her mum. Most Spanish speaking cultures have a coming out ceremony on or around a girl's 15th birthday, called a Quincinera (I don't have the correct font on my Blackberry so please, I am well aware that I spelled it just a tad bit incorrectly. My Spanish is a lot better than my English). Quincineras are analogous to The American "Sweet 16." Both were originally intended to announce that a daughter is now marriageable. Mexicans, like Puerto Ricans and Cubans do it up right spending money, etc.

My youngest's mum doesn't have the proverbial pot to piss in. When I met her she was an illegal alien working as an au pair outside of Tampa, Florida. At the time I had just arrived in the US after leaving the army (in Israel we don't actually "leave" when we are less than middle aged, we simply leave Active Duty) and before I finished my degree I wanted to make some money. I had family at the time in a town called Delray Beach, on the other coast of Florida and went there 1st. My relative had a condo in a retirement community. The name of the actual development escapes me at this point (funny cause I stayed there for 4 months) but it was almost 100% Jewish ant the population topped out at like 90,000 people. 90,000 elderly Jews, basically it was hell.

They have a pool in every section. I love pools, Florida is warm, sounds like a winner! I walk into the locker room and I see this old guy washing his fucken socks and underoo type panties (that is what they look like to me)! It is just that kind of fucked up place. Like every negative Jewish stereotype you can think of is there and more, it is all u see.

My favourite story, true actually, is where this 90 year old woman is DRIVING with her husband. They leave a Walmart and begin driving towards Boca Raton (who would figure that a town called "Rat Mouth" would become one of the world's richest locales). She is driving down the wrong lane of a 4 lane hiway. Like Mr. Fucken Magoo she is driving oblivious to the oncoming cars and trucks, giving the finger to them because apparently she believed THOSE drivers were the ones on the wrong side of the road. She only made it a few kilometers before she met a lorry head on and BOOM, Grandmum has gone to a better place.

Aaah, the name of that hell on earth is "Kings Point." I am IMing with a cousin from my mum's side of the family and he laughingly reminded me. Anyway...

My family membet was a retired pharmacologist. I spent the first week gulping down opiates (yay Dilaudid) and then of course they noticed but my jaw getting shot off mitigated the expected response. I had become morphine dependent almost 5 years prior. We all agreed that its best I started working as quickly as possible to regain some structure in my life. Actually that was my idea they didn't know what I should do though they did mention rehab (hey, I'm no quitter!). I was not amenable to what would have been a waste of money.

I not only got a job, I got 3. I worked on the loading dock at Watkins, a freight company, loading and unloading lorrys, I got a job as stock clerk and cashier at a Walgreens inside that community and I got a 3rd job as a physical therapy aide at Pinecrest Hospital.

This lasted about a month until Purim, a Jewish holiday where men are commanded to get high (Judaisim is very in synch with human nature and has 3 days a year when you must get high if able). A cousin from Miami came to visit. My mum's maiden name was Akerman (a Turkish name though in the US most adapt it to the Dutch "Ackerman"). A 1st cousin of mine on that side is a man who was describrd as the "Cali Cartel's North American manager." Harold Ackerman got life just before I arrived but this cousin was still rolling. When he heard my game plan he laughed so hard.

Now I had stupidly spent some time in an Israeli military prison over a bad decison and some hashish so I was in no real rush to try my hand as scarface...though I did file away the offer for future reference.

To be continued...

Today I found out I have a disease called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. At first, it didn't sound scary at all. Then the doctor started to tell me what it is. PCOS is when the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for an egg to fully mature. The follicles may start to grow and build up fluid but ovulation does not occur. Instead, some follicles may remain as cysts. So basically, instead of getting my period I am developing cysts.

After getting some more information, I found out that this is dangerous. PCOS puts me at risk for heart attacks, heart disease, strokes, infertility, miscarages, depression, anxiety, weight gain, dandruff, untolerable pelvic pain, chest pain, sleep apnea (where I can't breathe while sleeping), premature delivery & more.

Apparantly, it will be extremly hard for me to get pregnant & if I do get preg, it will be rediculously dangerous. The baby could form in the wrong spot, being deadly. I could miscarry. I could have the baby & it dies during or after birth. There is a 40% chance that I could successfully get pregnant & only a 34% chance that I could have a baby with absolutly no problems.

As if my depression wasn't bad enough, now I find this out. I am so scared. After all of the times I have been suicidal, now I might actually die from something. I never wanted kids, but now I might not be able to. I'm 17! This isn't what I'm supposed to hear...

On the bright side, I know what is causing me to constantly feel the way I do..... Not like that makes me feel any better about it though ;_;

I have decided to focus all of my attention on getting clean. I know it's gonna be hard as fuck, but hopefully I will have the support I need...

JP

I think I am chasing the memory of Rob. He was such a great guy, and after him, I have made horrible dating decisions. He was such a romantic, and he treated me so well. I think I am looking for the guy who resembles him in some way.

I just made the next awful decision to go back to Jim and all his drama. In the end, I got burned badly. He reminded me of Robert when I first met him. I took that as a "sign" of some sort, and it was a huge mistake.

I have never wished this on anyone, but I hope he gets burned so badly. I hope the same thing happens to him. I hope I find out about it either from him or one of his friends. I hope she does the same thing to him. I know that's horrible, but I hope she burns him in the same way, and I hope he feels pain. Real pain.

I really hope 2011 is the year of better dating choices for me. I need it.

I'm right where I was on Sunday: ready to die.

I am off to the hospital: RIGHT NOW. Last night (after sobering up) I had fun with a friend. While we were watching scary movies, I realized that I had been so concerned about disappointing other people. If I want therapy so I don't kill myself, I should go. If I don't, I'm not saving my family from disappointment; I would hurt them in the long run by not waking up one morning.

I don't want to be alone anymore. Even if I don't have someone to talk to face to face about my problems, I still have all of you Whether you know it or not, the support I have found here has helped me so much. Between thinking of all the hope you have given me & listening to
Eminem - I'm Not Afraid, I'm ready to do this.

Wish me luck; hopefully I won't get a shrink that is crazier than I am

JP

I am off to the hospital: RIGHT NOW. Last night (after sobering up) I had fun with a friend. While we were watching scary movies, I realized that I had been so concerned about disappointing other people. If I want therapy so I don't kill myself, I should go. If I don't, I'm not saving my family from disappointment; I would hurt them in the long run by not waking up one morning.

I don't want to be alone anymore. Even if I don't have someone to talk to face to face about my problems, I still have all of you Whether you know it or not, the support I have found here has helped me so much. Between thinking of all the hope you have given me & listening to
Eminem - I'm Not Afraid, I'm ready to do this.

Wish me luck; hopefully I won't get a shrink that is crazier than I am

JP