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Home from therapy.

I met my therapist as Grace. Just Grace. She was a short, fat & happy little asian woman. He office was filled with throw pillows & ugly art. She was very bubbly & cracked a few jokes. Then we got down to business.

Grace had me think as far back into my childhood as I could. The farthest back I could remember was when I was 3 and my uncle died from a heroin overdose. I remember him buying me a cowgirl outfit at Disneyland. Then we were at a BBQ & he was so doped up that he caught himself on fire & didn't even feel it. He burnt the hell out of his face & his hand. 2 days later, he overdosed.

She had me continue my sad trip down memory lane. I talked to her for 2 hours. All she did was sit there & listen. She didn't take notes or anything, just listened.

After I was done, she told me to open myself up to people & to keep a detailed diary of my thoughts & emotions. She also said I had been tramatized at some point in my life (no duh) & that my mind was hyperactive (I think too much?) Grace perscribed me some sleeping pills & antidepressants.

Now I'm at home reflecting on what happened. It felt good to let everything out & for someone to be that interested in my life & how I feel. My dad was amazingly supportive. He made me appointmens every Tuesday & Thursday for the next 2 months. If I get anything from therapy, it might just be to learn not bottle shit up & hide myself from everyone.

Hopefully I can share my life with some of you Bluelighters.
JP

I'm really getting freaked out about dreams. So many of them have been some kind of premonition, and it's freaking me out.

I remember a few from this year. First, while I was living with my ex at the beginning of the year, I dreamed he cheated on me. It really bothered me. It wasn't until we got back together that it came true. But that is not really the weird one.

After we broke up, I had a dream that he and I were at his house and we were together again. We were hiding from his family. Well, he wasn't sure if he wanted me to meet his kids yet when we got back together, so I hid in his house the first time I was there, so his kids couldn't see me.

I also dreamed that I was happy in my old house while I was growing up. I was in the kitchen, playing with kids. After he reintroduced me to his kids, I played Connect 4 with his kids in the kitchen.

While we were together about 2 weeks ago, I dreamed we broke up. 3 days later we broke up.

I know it sounds stupid, but there are more from last year. It is freaking me out.

Last night I dreamed that everything I willed and wanted came to fruition. It had nothing to do with my ex. It was all materialistic things. I am curious if this dream means something. Most of my dreams have come true within a week or two, especially if I haven't interacted with the person in a while.

I'm really broken hearted over this past December. It was horrible. I decided to play with my tarot deck. I am not great at cards, but the chaos, deceit show up a lot as well as many court cards. I should probably stay away from them, because it's just making me nervous.

[copypasta from P&S thread for the record. Feel free to comment!]

This thread has been inspired by a recent tangent I got into in CEP. I'd link it here for posterity, but it is so riddled with irrelevant sub-arguments that I think it is best that we start anew while keeping in with the problem presented:

Like everything else Drug-Related, the mere mention of HR is bound to polarize people of different persuasions. There is an on-going debate about the definition of "Harm Reduction" within and amongst drug users themselves, HR-related NGO's, and Policy-makers.

First, I will post the definition of HR that is formally adopted by most entities dealing with it, for example:

IHRA said:

Harm reduction refers to policies, programmes and practices that aim to reduce the harms associated with the use of psychoactive drugs in people unable or unwilling to stop. The defining features are the focus on the prevention of harm, rather than on the prevention of drug use itself, and the focus on people who continue to use drugs.

Source: International Harm Reduction Association.

Click to expand...

Very similar definitions can be found in other sources, including college textbooks, as well as being Bluelight's mandate (unless I'd been doing something wrong all these years ).

The problem is that, over-time, disparate instances of harm-reductive practices have inevitably converged to give rise to a philosophy of HR based on commonalities between these practices.

Because of the fact that a central concept in HR is the tolerance towards the individual's continued drug-use and instead focusing on minimizing the risks associated with that use, a major debate arose as to whether HR should necessarily entail de-penalization of drug users (and, to some, the legalization of drugs by extension).

For example, the Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse published a paper detailing their position in the debate. They conclude:

(Hunt 2003) said:

For some, harm reduction has evolved into a philosophy for dealing with drug abuse and addiction. We would argue that ―harm reduction‖ is not a single entity, but consists of any number of programs, policies and interventions that seek to reduce the adverse consequences of drug use, be it alcohol consumption, smoking or injection drug use.

(...)

The argument is sometimes made that harm reduction is far more than a term or a sampling of interventions drawn from its menu, but rather that it constitutes a philosophy. Adopting what is often positioned as an "all or nothing" approach simply reinforces the fears of those opposed to endorsing an open-ended definition. If this remains as a precondition of agreement on harm reduction measures, then we can despondently project little change for the future. It is time to break free of strongly held positions and to commit to understanding harm reduction measures as part of a comprehensive continuum that also includes prevention, education, detoxification, treatment and follow-up.

Click to expand...

The debate is best illustrated from both sides in A widely-cited literature-review by Neil Hunt (VERY recommended background reading, both for this thread and in general, for those active in HR).

ome people consider that harm reduction’s underlying tention is to achieve drug law reform and promote the legalization of drugs. It is an undeniable fact that some advocates of harm reduction are also advocates of drug law reform and the creation of some form of legal, regulated market, for some or all drugs that are currently proscribed and, effectively, unregulated. Equally, many harm reductionists would oppose such developments. Yet others would reject dealing with drugs within the criminal law but retain civil penalties for drug use. There is no consensus on this issue among harm reductionists.

Some harm reductionists would, and do, argue that public policy regarding drugs - including the prevailing system of drug prohibition - should be subject to a utilitarian appraisal that evaluates the costs and benefits of prohibition and bases policy upon the evidence of what works best. This somewhat glosses over the considerable difficulties of generating good evidence in this area; although there is a developing and instructive evidence base concerning depenalisation policies, primarily with reference to cannabis, which is summarised in section 3.4.

Click to expand...

(He then goes on to talk about the CCSA's position outlined above as a typical example of the other side of the argument.)

---

[Continued in part II.]

I've been doin dope for the most part, and the rare OC someone found. Just wish I could find something as steady on quality... I hate the gamble of good or not. What are you doing since the OC turned to OP?

I have written a bit about my youngest child...Her mum is Mexican yada,yada and uh, yada. Well after travelling a lot I expected to spend New Years back in the Philippines. As an Israeli-Jew neither Xmas nor Western New Year mean anything to me. Yet I felt that I would relax up on Luzon with Joysa and her family.

On December 23 I received a very heartfelt email from my youngest daughter as well as a separate one from her mum. Most Spanish speaking cultures have a coming out ceremony on or around a girl's 15th birthday, called a Quincinera (I don't have the correct font on my Blackberry so please, I am well aware that I spelled it just a tad bit incorrectly. My Spanish is a lot better than my English). Quincineras are analogous to The American "Sweet 16." Both were originally intended to announce that a daughter is now marriageable. Mexicans, like Puerto Ricans and Cubans do it up right spending money, etc.

My youngest's mum doesn't have the proverbial pot to piss in. When I met her she was an illegal alien working as an au pair outside of Tampa, Florida. At the time I had just arrived in the US after leaving the army (in Israel we don't actually "leave" when we are less than middle aged, we simply leave Active Duty) and before I finished my degree I wanted to make some money. I had family at the time in a town called Delray Beach, on the other coast of Florida and went there 1st. My relative had a condo in a retirement community. The name of the actual development escapes me at this point (funny cause I stayed there for 4 months) but it was almost 100% Jewish ant the population topped out at like 90,000 people. 90,000 elderly Jews, basically it was hell.

They have a pool in every section. I love pools, Florida is warm, sounds like a winner! I walk into the locker room and I see this old guy washing his fucken socks and underoo type panties (that is what they look like to me)! It is just that kind of fucked up place. Like every negative Jewish stereotype you can think of is there and more, it is all u see.

My favourite story, true actually, is where this 90 year old woman is DRIVING with her husband. They leave a Walmart and begin driving towards Boca Raton (who would figure that a town called "Rat Mouth" would become one of the world's richest locales). She is driving down the wrong lane of a 4 lane hiway. Like Mr. Fucken Magoo she is driving oblivious to the oncoming cars and trucks, giving the finger to them because apparently she believed THOSE drivers were the ones on the wrong side of the road. She only made it a few kilometers before she met a lorry head on and BOOM, Grandmum has gone to a better place.

Aaah, the name of that hell on earth is "Kings Point." I am IMing with a cousin from my mum's side of the family and he laughingly reminded me. Anyway...

My family membet was a retired pharmacologist. I spent the first week gulping down opiates (yay Dilaudid) and then of course they noticed but my jaw getting shot off mitigated the expected response. I had become morphine dependent almost 5 years prior. We all agreed that its best I started working as quickly as possible to regain some structure in my life. Actually that was my idea they didn't know what I should do though they did mention rehab (hey, I'm no quitter!). I was not amenable to what would have been a waste of money.

I not only got a job, I got 3. I worked on the loading dock at Watkins, a freight company, loading and unloading lorrys, I got a job as stock clerk and cashier at a Walgreens inside that community and I got a 3rd job as a physical therapy aide at Pinecrest Hospital.

This lasted about a month until Purim, a Jewish holiday where men are commanded to get high (Judaisim is very in synch with human nature and has 3 days a year when you must get high if able). A cousin from Miami came to visit. My mum's maiden name was Akerman (a Turkish name though in the US most adapt it to the Dutch "Ackerman"). A 1st cousin of mine on that side is a man who was describrd as the "Cali Cartel's North American manager." Harold Ackerman got life just before I arrived but this cousin was still rolling. When he heard my game plan he laughed so hard.

Now I had stupidly spent some time in an Israeli military prison over a bad decison and some hashish so I was in no real rush to try my hand as scarface...though I did file away the offer for future reference.

To be continued...

Today I found out I have a disease called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. At first, it didn't sound scary at all. Then the doctor started to tell me what it is. PCOS is when the ovary doesn't make all of the hormones it needs for an egg to fully mature. The follicles may start to grow and build up fluid but ovulation does not occur. Instead, some follicles may remain as cysts. So basically, instead of getting my period I am developing cysts.

After getting some more information, I found out that this is dangerous. PCOS puts me at risk for heart attacks, heart disease, strokes, infertility, miscarages, depression, anxiety, weight gain, dandruff, untolerable pelvic pain, chest pain, sleep apnea (where I can't breathe while sleeping), premature delivery & more.

Apparantly, it will be extremly hard for me to get pregnant & if I do get preg, it will be rediculously dangerous. The baby could form in the wrong spot, being deadly. I could miscarry. I could have the baby & it dies during or after birth. There is a 40% chance that I could successfully get pregnant & only a 34% chance that I could have a baby with absolutly no problems.

As if my depression wasn't bad enough, now I find this out. I am so scared. After all of the times I have been suicidal, now I might actually die from something. I never wanted kids, but now I might not be able to. I'm 17! This isn't what I'm supposed to hear...

On the bright side, I know what is causing me to constantly feel the way I do..... Not like that makes me feel any better about it though ;_;

I have decided to focus all of my attention on getting clean. I know it's gonna be hard as fuck, but hopefully I will have the support I need...

JP

I think I am chasing the memory of Rob. He was such a great guy, and after him, I have made horrible dating decisions. He was such a romantic, and he treated me so well. I think I am looking for the guy who resembles him in some way.

I just made the next awful decision to go back to Jim and all his drama. In the end, I got burned badly. He reminded me of Robert when I first met him. I took that as a "sign" of some sort, and it was a huge mistake.

I have never wished this on anyone, but I hope he gets burned so badly. I hope the same thing happens to him. I hope I find out about it either from him or one of his friends. I hope she does the same thing to him. I know that's horrible, but I hope she burns him in the same way, and I hope he feels pain. Real pain.

I really hope 2011 is the year of better dating choices for me. I need it.

I'm right where I was on Sunday: ready to die.

I am off to the hospital: RIGHT NOW. Last night (after sobering up) I had fun with a friend. While we were watching scary movies, I realized that I had been so concerned about disappointing other people. If I want therapy so I don't kill myself, I should go. If I don't, I'm not saving my family from disappointment; I would hurt them in the long run by not waking up one morning.

I don't want to be alone anymore. Even if I don't have someone to talk to face to face about my problems, I still have all of you Whether you know it or not, the support I have found here has helped me so much. Between thinking of all the hope you have given me & listening to
Eminem - I'm Not Afraid, I'm ready to do this.

Wish me luck; hopefully I won't get a shrink that is crazier than I am

JP

I am off to the hospital: RIGHT NOW. Last night (after sobering up) I had fun with a friend. While we were watching scary movies, I realized that I had been so concerned about disappointing other people. If I want therapy so I don't kill myself, I should go. If I don't, I'm not saving my family from disappointment; I would hurt them in the long run by not waking up one morning.

I don't want to be alone anymore. Even if I don't have someone to talk to face to face about my problems, I still have all of you Whether you know it or not, the support I have found here has helped me so much. Between thinking of all the hope you have given me & listening to
Eminem - I'm Not Afraid, I'm ready to do this.

Wish me luck; hopefully I won't get a shrink that is crazier than I am

JP

"la la land of a thousand lakes. swift bee buzzz gangsta nightclub. out of this hemisphere to the great banquet. all attending personnel will be promptly executed. excuse my insanity and don't worry because it is just the beginning. the end will come as the introduction followed by the meat of the play: THE BEGINNING. what this means i do not know. what i know is that it is mean. vicious sour apple jelly. it will bite you if you attempt to devour it. break the rules with your teeth and inject the laws of nature. tie off the bleeding mind so the poison won't spread. fish in air is fish in suspention is fish in water is fish waiting. for it all to NOT make sense. for the peices to fall APART not together. for DISORDER to become the order. for CHAOS to provide the answers. nothing is interchangable with everything. a higher level is required. abstract thought is only the beginning."

"Tension spirals tornado of change ripping through life. Laugh at that and your hands are bloody, you are the one carrying the inspiration and struggle on. The struggle is the love, the path is life, the goal is the end, of handlbars gripping sweaty fingers interlaced with rubber sad it is that everything must live constantly and incurably. Forever never push the fucking lever and watch the mouse bite the cheese. Insense, instant, incessent hammering on the door. Come in already! Watch it hit the bullet and send it into another soul transforming it forever. IN--i am within myself. SAN--without or lack of. ITY--to interperet as you will, there is will and there is fate. We can make choices about the direction we want our lives to go, however THE CHOICES WE MAKE ARE PRE-DETERMINED."

"Perfect is ficticious annexed by belief unknown by trying never achieving nothingness but not ever existing for hopelessness abounds for those trying to aquire taste for the tasteless death for the living life for the lack of long sentence behind bars ramble rumple ripple repleated song of the soul ice fire heart robber intimidating growl of hearth burning cloud of quantum particles swirling in boiling soda in the pavement on the sea creeping through the car of tea drops cup of tears lying on the roof of my mouth sadistic bitch is schooling the children in the history of pluto "the first president of Pluto was Frank Sinatra" what in hell does this shit mean? don't ask me because i know but i'm not telling you because i am you and you already know so you shouldn't be asking me in the first place but since you placed second i guess i have to be civic minded and pay my dues to your sorry asset of comercial thought and corporate feeling. McDonald's suffers from Binge Eating Disorder. Guess Jeans suffers from Anorexia. Bebe has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Hot Topic has Antisocial Personality Disorder. Chanel is a victim of Dissasociative Identity Disorder. Borders Books is Obsessive Compulsive. Radio Shack had Attention Deficit Disorder. Kmart is afflicted with Major Depressive Disorder. Walmart has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Freud would say that Taco Bell developed a fixation at the Anal stage of development and is consequently "Anal Expulsive." We must take pity on these troubled souls and help them through their darkest hours, never giving up, encouraging them to seek help, and always keep buying buying buying time on the clock thread to keep sewing wind to keep blowing money to keep spending life to keep beginning anew again. Mountain Dew has a horrible addiction to Caffiene, but who is their to point him toward recovery? no one. They just take advantage of his deliciousness with no thought of the cost of their pleasure. The cost of your pleasure is often YOUR LIFE. remember that. "

The quote in my title was said by my friend after his first K hole. Ketamine is a very alluring and subtly addicting chemical.

Route of administration: Insuffalation, Injection (Intramuscular/Intravenous)
Appearance of Drug: white crystal powder, sealed liquid vial
Length of Drug: 1 1/2-2 hours
Memorable song on drug: Just Be-Tiesto
Trip Scores: 7.5-10/10

The first time I tried Ketamine I enjoyed the effects for about 45 minutes, but soon after this received a nausea very similar to DXM. It took me another couple of months to try it again, this time after an Ecstasy roll. I was trying a large dose this time and instructed to lie down after insuffalaton. This was the first time I entered the K-Hole. After coming out of the K-Hole, I felt like my physical brain was no longer working with my mind, which made speech very difficult. I had many more experiences after this and will just sum up similarities in the experience. I am pretty sure that I will no longer use this substance as I found a very dark side to it, that I am not particularly fond of.

A medium sized dose of ketamine is usually very opiate like to me, especially in the presence of marijuana. Color is kind of sucked out of the vision and it becomes grainy like you may see on a t.v. that's not working all that well, yet I always still felt very euphoric and apathetic.

Higher doses that are sub K-hole or K hole doses are quite different. The sub K-hole dose produces this extremely euphoric sense of 'lightness.' I feel light and there is this sense of bliss that runs through my mind. Walking becomes quite strange and compared to the hallucinogens where I have a sense of childhood and wonder, there is a sense of being elderly and shutting off, where it's difficult to get my motor functions and coordination to cooperate. I usually have a somewhat change in cognitive thinking during this level to where I think about life and death. I remember watching a Ron White standup comedy special at this dose and just not feeling any relation to that style of comedy. It's not only a dissassociative in it's physical effects but kind of dissassociative in it's mental effects to. Meaning I felt distanced from a lot of people when I was using it fairly often.

The K-hole is impossible to explain as there is no language that can describe the sensations that occur. Some phenomena is the impression that my arms were stretching miles away or apart, that i was kind of floating in space and That my mind could realize and felt separate from my anesthetized body. I once had the impression of a mechanical mandala which my soul was trapped in as the rest of humans souls are too. It was a small space to move in but it was some space to move in too, which i was thankful for. I have the sense sometimes coming out that it is a completely different day than before, similar to that phenomena that occasionally occurs when you go to sleep at a pecuilar hour of the day, and wake up a few hours later and don't remember the day. For how intense it is or may seem, it has never been scary. The fact that the body is anesthetized may have something to do with this. Ketamine was interesting but not very worthwhile to me, as I didn't feel it expanded my mind after the first few uses. I preferred the higher doses but it messes your coordination up immensely, so playing guitar, video games, or writing about the experiencing are extremely difficult if not impossible.

I ended up getting involved in a few shady deals with it too, even when i knew the person was going to try to screw me over, it just had that strong of a psychological addiction on me. It is by far the most addictive substance I have tried easily replacing cocaine, because I found the effects of ketamine a lot more to my liking. It's not addicting in the same way as cocaine or other stimulants where I desire to use more because i'm feeling tired and ill and prevent the comedown, it's more just to prolong the interesting effects it delivers. I realized though with the frequency I was using it, how i heard from some it was changing my personality while on it, and seeing how it made other people shady who were using it, it's not a substance that's all that worth it to me. If I were to order my substances on a scale of personal usefulness I would put it just above alcohol, mainly for the K hole.

1st cup of coffee at cole valley cafe

GF and I rode to Point Bonita lgiht house (on a rocky and wind-swept spit of land jutting into the Bay just across the golden gate bridge from San Francisco .) It's only a 15 mile bike ride. Not a physical feat that requires an unusual amount of endurance. Just an easy afternoon ride.

When we first met, I explained to her that it is important to me that BOTH of us get in shape and that I wanted for us to do activities together that require a certain level of fitness. I'm attracted to a certain well-toned body type and enjoy doing things outside like backpacking and bicyling. I also explained that I felt that both of us need to be in it together, and if not, the relationship won't work. She agreed. She was even enthusiastic about it..

But that's not how things have been going.
She has been umemployed for 2 years. It's not liek she hasn't had the time to build up her endurance to a basic level of physical fitness. It takes about 6 weeks of training a few hours a day, 3 days a week, to get to the point where you can confortably ride about 30 miles in a few hours. But she won't exercise.
All day, every day, she sits around the house and watches TV. And she EATS. She likes doughnuts (a.k.a. Fat Pills). When combined with a sedentary lifestyle, doughnuts, along with some other food items like cupcakes, are one of the most disgusting and obscenely offensive foods in existence. Their magnitude of offensiveness is the female equivalent of the husband in a relationship sneaking out to strip clubs and getting "lap dances" and hand jobs.

So, we were on our way home from the light house with only 2 miles to go yesterday evening. And, we were climbing the very last hill of the entire bike ride and had roughly fifty feet more to climb. You could even see the top of the hill which was indicated by the blue sky shining through the trees at the hilltop a little way ahead. After that, it would be all down hill to the house. She was getting tired and starting to slow down. So, I was ridnig beside her trying to make sure she was OK and told her she's doing great. Then, out of the blue, she started shouting, no, shrieking, at me as we were riding up the lat hill of Landsend park.... She stopped her bike, and then she started crying and cursing me very loudly. I asked her what was wrong. Then, a pedestrian stops and asks HER if she would like him to call 911. He pointedly ignores me. You can imagine that this is unspeakably humiliating. I stood beside her not saying anything.. Still in tears, she told him she was only tired.... sure. Like that's not a classic battered women's cover story... After he left, I told her I don't need people threatening to call the cops on me and will meet her at the house. I rode off on my own and left her there. I rode along the beach alone for a while and then went got a couple of drinks at a bar before going home.

Now, I don't think I want to do go out and do any thing with her. The few things in this world that I actually enjoy doing, she hates... I dont need this female drama in my life. Is there not one female that I have anything in common with?

Wow. Just did 2 lines. I haven't felt coke like this in a while. It's resting in the back of my throat, worst tast ever! I have a feeling this will be a bad trip. I somewhat hope it is. I shouldn't have been so weak & used. I keep thinking about how just today I was told "don't use, its that easy." It's not that easy for me. I feel like shit, so I use: it's that easy. Fuck, I'm tripping out right now. I feel like throwing up. I've already drank 3 water bottles & have probably sweat the same amount. Feelings like this make me hate drugs, but sometimes this feeling is millions of times better than other feelings. But I don't even know why I used tonight.. I think it was because of the simple fact that I knew I had coke in my bag. If I have it, why wouldn't I use? I can't get this taste out of my mouth. Damn. & I didn't even use with anyone! Fuck. Snorting lines alone in my room, now that is depressing.

My Baby boy, sounds corny but this is the man that I feel so much for, the Man who I love to hold, who smells like 'home' to me.

After 4/5 plus years, the man who I've thought of every day and who's face is the most beautiful thing I see. The only one whose given me the oppertunity to prove I can be commited to something, who I've said 'I love you' to and meant it, and even when doubting what I've said, has unashamedly pursued me and needed me and made me love him because he 'needs' me.

Yes, it is Co-dependence; he is the child I dont have, but he is the beautiful man that I always wanted, the one who holds me and makes me feel so warm, the one I want to make love to me, and even when I feel bad about myself and physically reject him; he still makes me want to be extra close to him and no-one but him.

He is an Alcoholic, it has ruined any possibility of us having something 'real'. I've blamed him , blamed myself, blamed life and biology. I worry about him so much. We have a futile future if I stay with him. The Romantic tragedy is a classical farce(Im so angry at this because I've read all the books, know,reasonably, all the possible 'outcomes' of this kind of relationship!

Despite all the 'Alcoholic' Stereotypes, he has taught me how to love a man. No-one can match him in my eyes, I know I'm a die hard loyalist/Romantic but, honestly He is what I always wanted, despite his flaws. However, life with him is on a loop, with the constant Adultress: Alcohol. For this reason our relationship is broken.

Obvious, as though it sounds, in my Experience, she is but a Tiny hindrance compared to what He has given me ...he is the ONLY real man I've ever come across. Kind, Innocent and raw with humanity and emotion and his Spirit is so beautiful.
Im drowning in tears writing this, I know it sounds dramatic, I'm a blubbering mess of emotion. To anyone reading this it must sound like silly emotion and emotion is always silly...but...He is the only Man that exists for me, the only one Ive been myself with, loyal to, the one who feels like a Father, Brother and Son all wraped up into one
.
I'm so lucky and gratefull to have experienced this.
Please Pray that he'l get better, Im def sure he'l survive, he will get on without me no problem but dunno if his will for drink will ever subside.
I've asked him to look for someone else, although it would hurt like shit, knowing he'd be okay...I'd get over it...but he thinks I have the answers for him and I dont. I feel so powerless, helpless knowing that I dont know anything.

Last night, after many bowls & several lines, I had the worst itching sensations that just WOULD NOT GO AWAY! So I took Tizanidine & Trazodone to relax (a combo which I have taken before with zero kinks.) Then I went to take a shower (3am) & that's the last thing I remember.

I woke up at about 8 this morning, in the bathtub, with blood & makeup everywhere. I look like absolute shit! Just spent the last several hours cleaning my bathroom, cutting my nails, & taking another shower. I truly hope I don't get scars on my legs, not like anyone other than me would give a shit. At least I didn't scratch up my face.

Anyway, I'm meeting a "friend" at 1. I think I'm going to talk to her, about me. She might actually be the first person in my life that I'm going to talk to about everything (aside from you lovely Bluelighters .) I'm scared shitless. I told her I wanted to talk last night, but she doesn't know the half of it. I only hope that she doesn't react terribly. I couldn't stand that. To put myself out there in a real life situation & for it to backfire on me. But I trust her, for the most part... I would like to thank all of you though, for inspiring me to talk about my problems & open up. Maybe having one good friend to confide in will be helpful.

Ta Ta For Now,
JP

dear lord, last time i wrote one of these i got everything i hoped for and yes for a while it did make me very happy but some of the things were not to be. hopefully when i write this new one my dreams with be fulfilled once again.

things i want
to spend more time with my mum
for certain friends not to get angry or jealous
for joanne to be the proper friend she once was and sometimes still is
to have my best friend back
to have a new sofa, computer, carpet
to be less angry
to have a nice house away from here
to learn to drive
to have a baby, a little boy that is healthy
to get married
to argue with kierhan less
to love my step daughter as if she were my own
to learn to be more domesticated
to sleep better
to stay away from drugs completely
to stop smoking
to look after money better
to have more money
to make up with my brother who will not talk to me
to rid my life of people who are going to or have hurt me
to redecorate this house before i move into a new one
to learn to appreciate things
to be happy in love
to lose weight and be more healthy
to make my family proud
i may be asking for a lot and i know it is me that has to make it happen but i need the help and the strength from you lord.
amen

i woke up happy this morning now i am in a miserable mood. every morning the same routine of spending over an hour waking my fiance up. when he eventually did get up its because his daughter, my step daughter had arrived. i like the kid dont get me wrong but she is just sooo demanding and craves all of her dads attention so i feel the best thing for me to do is get out of the way only he gets annoyed at this. i dont wanna sit and watch cartoons or listen to a 4 year old shouting daddy every 10 seconds...maybe i am a little jealous. i feel so bad that i sometimes cant wait for her to go back to her mothers so i can have sme peace and quiet.....its always much tho better when he isnt there cos she doesnt crave my attention as much, we actually played together earlier and it was good fun. i hate how i feel about it. it hard to love someone that isnt your own tho, a child that challenges me at that. i dont want to be in competition for kierhans affections, he daughter should win hands down either way, maybe thats what scares me???
i try my best though and thats all that matters huh?
just watched marley and me for the 2nd time, i really enjoyed it! it was super sad at the end tho. sorta made me want a pet....its getting t that time of day now...the boredom kicks in. i feel like i am becoming miserable lately, sex isnt as good....i am snappy with the man i love. it like it isnt enough! i need some excitement. i love him so much but the routine is becoming hard work. i need to mix it up a little.

did 2 pregnancy tests. one yesterday afternoon and one this morning. both negative! i know my mum confirmed that i shouldnt test until new year i just want the result to be positive so bad. its really getting me down. supposed to be fun but the waiting is doing my head in!

Noticed at post 58 I'd made it -- dunno how that happened. Horray!

I have gone through several interesting & surprising things today. After the other night when I was ready to meet the maker, I thought I should start writing in a journal again, in some hopes to not reach that point again. Finally deciding to start, I can't find any paper in the whole fucking house. So I found here to let everything out.

I was feeling the weight of the world tonight. I took a walk through my neighboorhood, I hate it here. Its so fucking quiet & you never see anyone. Wait.. I think I actually find that to be one of the better things about this new place: no one bugs you. I walk around every night to smoke some cigs & I never see anyone. On the off chance I do come by someone, they don't bother me at all.

So I went walking out towards the baseball field. I was too lost in thought to turn on my iPod so I walked quietly in the dark. The gate to the field was locked & I'd never been here during the day, so I didn't even know what the place looked like. But I walked up on top of the hill behind all the plants & followed the fence. I found some bleachers, so I sat there. The whole time I was freaking out that someone would see me & think "What the fuck is that crazy girl doing on top of the hill?" It was making me feel so awkward. I hadn't even smoked yet, only cigarettes.

Finally, I did blaze. Blue Dream. My first time ever smoking this shit. See, I found my dads stash the other day. I took some of his Venom. That shit was pretty good. Then I went back to get some more (after smoking it all with this group of black guys... long fucking story) & I found Blue Dream too. I got some of both then ate it at the movies with a "friend." We barely felt the effects, didn't have nearly enough. Then the next day I smoked a bowl; thought it was the Blue Dream, but tonight I realized it was the Venom, or some Purple Kush I found too.

But after the Blue Dream, walking home was a trip. I almost ate shit like twice. Haha. The ground was all soft from the recent rains. I think I have a cut on my leg from hitting a sprinkler. Ouch! Ha. Then I was walking on the sidewalk back to the condo & I swear that shit looked like some Alice in Wonderland shit. The sidewalks are all swirvy & shit, so it looked crazy. There are plants & floor lights all over the place, it looked so crazy.

Then I saw like for rabits run infront of me. The last one stopped & stared at me. I was just lookin at him for the longest time. I bet the life of an animal is so amazing. They don't have to deal with half the shit humans go through. Their lives couldn't possibly be complicated. They don't live incredibly long & they are so simple minded. Shit, what if I only think they are, but some Mr. Foxx shit is real & they have little societies & ways to comunicate with eachother. They are probably way smarter than they let on. Maybe it's like a defensive way to survive. Like if you are a stupid, simple & meaningless little animal then there is no reason to bother you & run tests on you & shit. So they hide their intelligance.

I wouldn't be surprised if people go extinct & the animals survive & make a more advanced society than ours. That'd be so fucking crazy!

Streaming SomaFM Drone Zone: Stevie Be Ret - Maya & Aliens

It was a cool, sunny morning, the twenty-fourth of December, and I could feel the heavy, cean-laden wind tugging at my coat and dampening my holiday spirit (what little bit I had). I had only crawled out of bed moments before. It was a quarter to seven when I walked out the door on my way to a seven o’clock coffee "date" and really wasn’t all that embarrassed by my cat-hair covered Brooks Brothers' sport coat and greasy blue jeans. This outfit was complete with black wool watch cap, decomposing leather combat boots, and matted hair. I suppose my lack of self-consciousness had quite a bit to do with the fact that I was on my way to see my old hook-up, not the kind of appointment one gets prettied up for. A holiday doesn’t bottom out much lower than that.

A month ago, I was a sober man, or at least I possessed that label of sobriety that gives one a sense of purpose and self-worth. Ludicrous or not, that label is missed when you become an addict. Why? Well, why does anyone want what they don’t have? By now anyone reading this might assume I’m a waste of a person. I try to do no harm; other than that, I'm not sure if I care. Anyone challenging social expectations (Puritanical/socially conservative American ideas) should expect to be met with hostility. Besides that, I’m not the one reading someone else's blog....

Thursday 3 weeks ago was pleasant but chilly. I rode my bike down the hill (Twin Peaks) toward Golden Gate Park, near the Panhandle. Then, I changed course steering to the East and rode a dozen or so blocks through the Ashbury-Haight neighborhood, then went a few blocks up the hill again, turned West, and headed to Cole Valley to a cafe where I go to study sometimes. I hopped the curb and rode up onto the sidewalk to the street corner shaded by live oaks and some other green trees that look the same year round and don't really lose their leaves during the winter in the temperate climate of San Francisco, California.

As I'm wrapping my cable bike lock around the one pathetic tree that is scraggly and has lost most of its leaves, I think it's odd to hear someone calling my name, "Robin?" I turned and had no idea who this woman was who obviously knew me. I was suprised when she said she was Dara Shimer, my hook-up from
years ago, 5 maybe. She was sitting alone at a table outside of the Cafe. (My x-girlfriend, the Lovely but Tragically Insane Psycho Suzie who I have blogged about before was friends with her and had introduced me to her years ago when she first showed me the thrills of the needle).

Dara was sitting at a small wooden table in front of one of the large store-front windows, her back to a large potted jade bush. She is the kind of person, an American stereotype of a worrying and concerned Jewish mother, who will greet you holding a plate of cookies in one hand, but in the other hand (breaking the stereotype), hidden behind her back is a tray of syringes, spoons, and dope . Her hair once black has turned white, her once plump matronly body is like a wire clothes hanger supporting baggy clothes, and her face is shrivelled like an old apple. She was my regular hookup for dilaudid, oxy, and heroin, whatever she had. Last tiem I saw her, years ago, she was lying on her living room couch, not moving, pale, sweating, and sick from heroin withdrawals, vomitting and squitting (uncotrollable squirting of diarrhea). She had been cut off / her source had gone missing. I don't remember what she said if she said anything. Maybe I just didn't bother to ask. She had asked me to buy her a pack of Marlboro Reds (tobacco) cigarettes. She was dry - no more dope and didn't even have money for a pack of cigarettes...

My gf, who is lying in the bed behind me, is trying to sleep. She says that I'm making too much noise and need to get to bed. I have been trying to finish this single journal entry for sefveral days now. She has been in a bad mood lately. More on that later. To be continued.

I moved into this studio three months ago with my gf. At first, the tv room was separated from the bedroom in spirit. Then, as in every place I've lived, the line started to blur. Now it doesn't exist at all. We sleep on the floor, in a giant conglomeration of covers and pillows. The bedroom is now the dirty laundry room. It serves no other function other than the divide between the living area and the bathroom.

It's like a goddamn nest. I would like it a lot more if we had a maid, but obviously I can't afford a maid.

Man. I accidentally said "fuck you" because she was distracting me on the freeway. She was not happy about that shit. Going to be a long Christmas.

just gonna do what I can to get better.

can't seem to do enough, though.

its just like the drugs... more is never enough... sex, exercise, work, preparing for upcoming classes

what the fuck is missing in me that makes me feel like shit about me?

i'm really pushing myself to improve and make up for all that lost time but I am falling short of my own standards. I'm trying, man but my efforts just aren't good enough.

i gotta be okay with myself again. There is no magic pill, no person, place or thing that is going to make everything 'alright'.

I remember my therapist in rehab saying 'I have no doubt you will do well in your recovery, its your ability to accept your mental health issues that I am concerned with'

Fuck that... do I have 'mental health issues'? Am I fucked in the head after all? I truly don't believe so.

fucking nonsense entry...