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Just wanted to say Happy birthday to a truly deep and compassionate person.

spork, you were one of the first people that made me feel cared for through your responses to my Blogs. Your warmth, gentle nature and compassion can be felt through your words and that is something that is quite amazing. Thank you for everything you have done. You certainly have done much more for me than you could possibly know

Please thank your mother for us, all those who have had the opportunity to have you as a part of our lives

I broke my sobriety. I know its only been a couple weeks, but those were the hardest weeks for me. A friend came over (he used to be my dealer) & of course he had shit on him. I just did so much shit, i can't even funtion right now. Its takin me like 10 min to write this. Fuck. I hate that I broke being sober, but at the same time I feel like I needed this & I feel so much better.... :/

A couple of days ago I rolled with my boyfriend, and this morning I decided to take adderall so I could get stuff done around the house and go to work. But now I feel so weird. My head feels empty, it feels like underneath my skin I'm stretched out, and my heart is like a bulbous organ that is releasing chills through my chest. Usually, feeling this way would be exciting, but for some reason I feel so disgusting. My eyes feel huge in my head too, and I keep losing focus. It feels so dirty in my body right now, and I don't really know how to handle this one. But like every drug, it'll go away eventually. I just can't stand this invasion.

Greetings fellow bluelighters. I have never blogged, so be patient please.

I was diagnosed as being bi-poloar about 8 years ago ... put into a room with very low-functioning adults ... and never experienced the mania part.

Recently I had a bout of suicidal thoughts and general depression, called my husband who took off work and wanted to take me to the ER ... talked him into another 'counseling facility' and the counselor says .. don't want to say you were miss-diagnosed ... blah blah blah ... asked me some questions and says, I believe you have borderline personality disorder. I go back on December 22nd and was wondering if others' have suffered with this and what medications they've found helpful.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Closed.

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
Folded.

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Stomach.

Are you a cuddler?
Yes.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
Shoes and my stack of notebooks with my poems/ramblings.

Something that happened today that made you angry?
My daughter's father called me. He wants back in her life when he hasn't been there for seven fucking years.

What were you doing before this survey?
Reading some BL forums.

What will you do after the survey?
Sleep.

Marriage or living together?
Living in sin.

What shirt are you wearing now?
Red "Psycho Bitch" tank.

Do you sing?
Yes.

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
No.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I talk about them only with my boyfriend. Otherwise I write them down.

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
No.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Wake my daughter up if she isn't up before me, and make the family breakfast.

Ever had surgery?
Appendectomy around age 13.

Last argument you got into with?
My daughter's deadbeat ass sperm donor.

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
No.

What's one good thing about your best friend?
He's also my boyfriend and the best daddy my daughter could ask for.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Tonight won't be too hard, I didn't smoke any meth today. Still coming down, but I think I'm past the point of "needing" benzos.

Current song on myspace?
I Facebook.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
No.

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
No. I have a seven year old, she's my monkey! :D

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
None, and if there was my Firefox add-on blocks them.

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Hopefully tapering myself to a point where I can stop doing the drugs.

It's midnight. Who are you texting?
No one.

It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
Work.

Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be?
Dave Navarro.

Your Christmas list consists of?
I wanted to be sober over Christmas. And I was. From the 23rd to the 26th I used no drugs. I wanted to be clear-headed for my baby girl and am so glad I did it.

You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
If I was in NY I would probably be drug hunting.

You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
American Eagle.

How do you feel about your hair?
I like it right now. Wish it was super long again though.

What movie is in your DVD player?
There isn't one in there right now.

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
I wouldn't. I like being back in Wisconsin.

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
They don't.

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
My daughter told me I'm the best mommy ever. I know I'm not, but I'm working on it, and I love to hear it even though it's not 100% true.

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
I only have one, we don't talk a lot. She has a newborn baby and a new husband and is busy with life.

What would you change about your life right now?
I'd get rid of the meth beast on my back and finally be sober. But I'm not at that point yet.

What’s the best feeling in the world?
Hearing your child say they love you. :D

I am an addict and just started taking suboxzone 2 months ago. i need help from anyone out there my friend is still using and she just broke the tip of a needle off in her vain. What should she do? I never used a needle so I have no idea what to tell her and I can not get any answers anywhere on the internet. I have never even blogged before so I am not even sure if anyone will see this. I will make my profile later this seems like an interesting site. But PLEASE right now can somebody tell me what to tell my friend on the phone? PLEASE HELP I am worried about her!!!
Please email me at [email protected] IT IS 11:45 PM Thursday night Thankyou Cathy

For those of you that haven't followed my 2 megathreads in the Rel. + Sex. forum, here's a quick synopsis:

I'm Timothy, I'm 18 years old and I live in Amsterdam. Contrary to popular belief, this doesn't mean my life knows no trouble.

I've been with my current girlfriend (she's 16) for about a year, and recently things have gotten... complicated.

Tonight she told me she's fallen in love with a friend of her's, a russian guy. He has no feelings for her, and nothing happened.

Needless to say, I felt devestated. She was sobbing, and I wanted nothing more than to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her everythings all right. But everything wasn't alright, the girl I had loved for over a year was no longer really mine.

We decided to break up for 2 weeks.

Later this evening however, things were getting a little more upbeat, and kept stroking her in increasingly intimate places (it was exciting because we had just broken up, and she was of the opinion that this meant that a lot of (sexual) stuff we used to do as partners, we couldn't do now. My opinion differed from hers, and breaking all her little taboo's was incredibly stimulating for me)

However, this now puts me in a position where chronologically:

1. she told me she fell in love with another guy

2. we decided we were to break up for at least 2 weeks

3. we were making out in my bed

Needless to say, I'm confused. I'm not even sure wether I should take back my girlfriend after what happened...

one more sleep and i shall be raising my glow sticks and popping some pills.
dappas birthday bash, everything is sorted just got to arrive and party.
last night was a strange sleep. after sulking all night at the other half for blowing 130 quid a month on a course he wont do. 6grand man its a lot of dollar when we got a house to run and kids to feed...finally came to a compromise tho, he does the course every other day atleast or its getting cancelled. i amsticking to it aswell.
its been a pretty good atmosphere in this house other than that tho. no real arguments, sleeping ok i suppose. getting on with tasks around the house. i want the house junk free asap. sick of hoarding. yes i am liking the start to 2011! its gunna be a good one. only thing is we are making all these plans to go to all these events and people seem to be forgetting i may be pregnant by next month. suppose its nice to have something else to occupy my mind tho. if all else fails atleast i can attend the events.

now about my dream!
so wot i can rememebr am sat on a wall and nichola comes up to me..i put my hands out and am speechless i dont wanna shout at her but i dont wanna talk to her...she grabs my hands in a loving gesture and i am immediately sucked in, i want to cry, we talk and i say to her i dont know if she realised she was trying to hurt me or not. its pretty black from here i can rememebr that before hand i was with joanne and knew i should be talking to nichola but i am weak to her powers of manipulation. i go with her somewhere...we seem to be on a park. she is intoxicated...we talk. something happens i cant remember what, her two oldest sons are there and another girl in glasses i dont think i know her. i talk about how i have to leave...i see jamie pull up. i move away...she tells me he hit her and she is crying i stay with her feleing sorry for her..i find out somehow she is lying and i am trapped there with her. i want out, i try to ring joanne...i see her and i know i am safe. i wake up...from this point i am desperate to go back to sleep to know what happens next but instead lay there thinkin about it. is it because deep down i miss the good in nichola? was there any good in her? maybe its because i know there is a chance she will be there tomorro. i hate her for what she did i can never forgive and my life is so much better without her.

It's January 4th, my baby is seven today.

Today at 1:31 a.m., my little darling, Cora Lyric Harmony Rae ****, was born into this world. She was a healthy 6 lbs 15 oz and 19.5" long. I gave birth to her with no pain medication after a year of sobriety.

Go back to when I was 15. He said he loved me. He said he'd be with me forever. He knew all the right words to say, he knew how to sweet talk me and get me to cave in from my beliefs. He stole my virginity and got me pregnant about six months into our relationship. In April of 2003, I found out I was pregnant. My dad was very supportive, my mom was not. And neither was her father - he up and left, saying it wasn't his baby. What an asshole. I continued to go to school and after having her I basically homeschooled myself so I could get my GED.

And I sit here seven years later. I picked up my baby from 1st grade, gave her a kiss, helped her with her homework (the little bit 1st graders get), and fixed up some hamburgers and homemade baked macaroni and cheese for dinner. Now my little girl is watching a movie in the other room, and I sit here waiting for her to go to bed so I can take some benzos and sleep this comedown off.

My baby, with her white blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that can stop a heart from across a room (just like her mommy, except mommy's hair is flaming red now) and the nose and bad eyesight of her sperm donor, is the reason I'm still alive.

She is the reason I cut down my habit. I cannot yet stop, I'm not in the right place, but she has me willing to cut down my use and try to eventually get across the bridge to sobriety.

today has been pretty nice. destiny back at school so had some time to myself. i tidied under my bed which i have been planning to do for some time, house is looking pretty much tidy now. really looking forward to the weekend, dappas birthday bash, just hoping we have the money.
last night i told kierhan sex was becoming routine and i didnt feel sexy atm. i think he understood and felt the same. we had good sex last night, still thinking about pregnancy a lot. not so much tho its not so much a desperate feeling anymore just gotta let it happen.
really want to get my life on track, get decorated...thinking about moving house quite a bit. that would be nice to have a whole new start.
seem to be spending a lot of time on bluelight. the more i read about opiates and benzo's the more i wanna try em. bored of stims now. ofcourse when i am pregnant i will stop it all just an urge i have to try something a little different.
feelin cheese on toast for tea, all i seem to eat lately is cheese on toast and bacon sandwiches. its not good i need a better diet.
i need a fucking oven so i can show kierhan how i can really cook.
having a lot of baths lately. thinking about taking one now but first going to check kierhans bank to see if the money has gone in. god i hope so! bye for now

I'm 28 years old. I'm almost an identical copy of myself at 18 except that I'm more worn down, used up, and played out. I've tossed around ideas of how to move forward in life and long ago passed them by. I've got big ideas for the future, but no concept of where to begin. As I approach 30, I'm finding that I ask myself more frequently "what are you going to do?" When am I supposed to get my ass in gear? I'm at the same job I got at 19, it's good and all, but it's DEFINITELY not what I want to do forever and every day is starting to feel more and more like an eternity. Every week is just the same fucking thing. I need change.

Every time I feel like I'm figuring out what I want to do, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I have no idea how to go about it. I'd like to think I'm someone who can generally sit down and figure out the most complicated of tasks if given ample time, but how do you get yourself going after almost 10 years of the same old shit?

Go to school.
Ballin ass career.
Kind of a big deal.
Totally blowin up.
GTFO.

Are my goals in that order.

Today, Donna called to say hello and check up on me since we haven't seen or spoken to each other in a coupla weeks. I have a bit of a crush on her (she's the girl I mention in this entry) and she was a significant part of me getting back into recovery from 'relapse' into a painful IV coke habit.

Anyway, we ended up going to the mall together so she could make some exchanges. It was a good time! I dig shopping and I think she enjoyed the fact that I kinda know some things about clothes (surprise surprise everyone!)

We were walking through the mall and saw a dude that had a mental affliction of some sort grabbing a crumpled bag of thrown out fast food from the trash. Donna asked 'Are you hungry, baby?' the dude said 'yes' so we went to his favorite burger place in the food court and got him a burger, fries and a drink.

After leaving him we rolled out to Philly to make a meeting. We got there late (at the end of the initial readings) and as we walked in the door someone asked Donna if she would share. She accepted in a humble manner.

I had never been to this meeting and it was HUGE! There were maybe 80 or 90 people there and it was REAL refreshing. I was emotionally impacted by watching so many different folks getting together to achieve a common goal... another day clean.

Donna is a real deep chick and has a heart full of compassion that is tempered with a nice edge. She's also sexy as shit!!!! and she shared an awesome message of experience, strength and hope

After the meeting we were driving back to our area and Donna got a phone call. My sponsor's wife's son just died and everyone was at the hospital to support her. This woman just lost her brother 4 months ago and her mother 2 months ago. Now, her 25 year old son died from sickle cell, pneumonia and something else. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. Alll these deaths at once and now her son has passed.

We met everyone at the hospital to support her and then rolled out to my sponsor and sponsor's wife's apartment (bringing pizza and soda for everyone)

We stayed for an hour or so to just be there with her. THIS IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT. It isn't about us anymore, man. Its about being there for others when needed.

The comaraderie, acceptance, humility, gratitude, compassion, empathy, patience and tolerance that was experienced today was beautiful. I wish the circumstances were different but I guess these painful experiences (sometimes not our own) are required in order to learn.

Please be strong, Stephanie... we got you covered in this time of need

I'm not scared anymore. I'm not scared of death. The only thing I'm scared about is hurting other.

Well i haven't written in i don't know how many days, i don't think i should bore anyone with my shit Anyway i'm kind of dreading things getting back to normal. The last few weeks have been easy as i was getting ready for christmas so i was busy everyday. My partner goes back to work tomorrow & then my daughter goes back to sch next mon. Usually i would bring my daughter to sch then come home & have my smoke, now what am i going to do ? I really am starting to panic about this. On one hand its great not to be scoring, saving so much money but i know what i'm like when i'm by myself, my mind goes into over drive, gear gear gear ! I just hope i have enough will power not to go buy that bash crap thats out there. You wouldn't mind if it was normal prices but i can't justify paying €50 for a bad €20 bag. So we shall see my friends Take care til next time BL !

Mods - I wasn't sure where to put this so here we go...

Got a note today from someone over at the Trip Project, a harm reduction organization based out of Toronto, Canada. They're good folks. Although I haven't even *seen* K in ages, I know some of you who read this probably have.

Thanks for the heads up, Trip Project.

Hey Everyone,

please pass word along to any k users you know, especially if anyone's picked up anything unsual during the new years rush and are still sitting on it.

We've just received some reports of something being sold as k that apparently contains a substance with very dangerous side-effects.

A user who purchased off an unknown source was hospitalized with very serious symptoms, including bleeding out the sides of their eyes. They were taken to a hospital in the GTA and the doctor they spoke with told them that they had seen multiple cases of this specifically related to ketamine use.

This is an unheard-of side-effect for actual ketamine, so this suggests that someone has decided to try not only cutting but actually 'faking' the batch with another active substance. There are pharmaceuticals on the market which can produce these side-effects in overdose situations.

Be very, very cautious right now and only go through trusted sources if you're going to be trying to purchase k. Ketamine in the city is widely reported as being in short supply, so if you're not certain that you've got a solid connect, it is highly recommended that you don't put much, if any, into your body.

We've been told that snorting this k causes a sensation of a chemical burn and it was loosely described as "shardy", but those details are vague.

We're working on getting more information and will pass it along as it becomes available, but this is serious enough that we wanted to let you know immediately.

If you have any information, please contact us here or at [email protected]

Click to expand...

Stay safe, everyone.

And I swear I will update this thing once I have my thoughts a little bit better collected. Suffice to say life has been as interesting and full of surprises as always... more later, wanted to get the K bulletin out before anyone back east (or wherever) does any of this batch. Who knows what is in this stuff.

well...new year turned out to be good. nothing spectacular or anything. had 3 gram of coke between 3 of us. was intense. been so long since i last had it. gotta keep it as a one off tho cos i love that stuff way too much. dappa's birthday bash saturday...not sure if i am going yet. we shall see. would love to ofcourse. still thinking about this pregnancy thing. not as much as before but glad to know when my period is so i can keep track atleast. if it happens it happens, if not then life goes on for another month. stick to the usual. to be honest i am getting sick of the raving lifestyle. its becoming boring to me. maybe i'm passed it????

already started trying to better myself for new year. loving life atm. trying to keep house tidy, being better with my man. trying to all round just be a happier person. shouldnt have told joanne about the extremes our relationship has come to but in a way it was good to talk. i dont wanna be that person anymore.

thinking of having a bath. really tired atm. not feeling to good, very uncomfortable. irritable that sorta thing. eating far too many fatty foods. could do without eating cheese and bacon everyday. hmmmm.

joanne just seems to throw different problems at me everyday, she's starting to become somewhat of an annoyance cos i know its just for attention. i still try to help cos i love her to bits. i really think this thing with matho is the only thing keeping her sane but messing her up too. glad rob has fucked off now. she needs to chill with the coke tho.

liam has been round passed couple days, was good to see him. actually missed him when he went. he really is like a little brother to me.

destiny found a 5er and i convinced her it was mine and gave her a pound in return. shouldnt have done it but the kid has loads of money in her money box. we have nothing! she is doing so well at saving tho, i will repay her.

So, I woke up at 4pm and struggled for 3 hours until the meeting started. I raised my hand lettin' folks know I had 24 hours or less of being clean and sat through the meeting. It was tolerable.

After the meeting... fuck, man...

I was talking to a girl, Donna who has 19 years clean and my sponsor, Henry (who just celebrated 19 years yesterday). Honesty is important to me in affairs of stuff like this (when Im tryna get high, honesty isn't on the list). I let them know that I am unsure of my commitment and was kinda afraid.

They spoke to me like they had timewarped back to the days when they were using and then came back. They remembered this 'lifestyle' real well.

Donna said, 'So what's your plan for tomorrow? How ya gonna get through?'. I didn't have one and she helped me come up with a simple plan of calling a coupla folks tomorrow to stay on track. I gave Henry a hug and told him I would call him tomorrow.

Donna stepped right the fuck up and said 'So, where ya headed off to? What are you going to do?' I didn't have an answer. 'Home' was what I said but she knew what that meant.

'Why you rushing off to nothing when there are about 15 people here chatting it up? You're running off to be by yourself. The longer you sit with yourself the more time you'll have to come up with some ridiculous caper to get high.' She was right.

So, we kept talking and Henry pointed out that its a miracle that I was at a meeting. This means that I WANT to get clean and that I am asking for help. I am indeed asking for help but...

I started shifting around and playing with my water bottle. Donna tapped Henry on the shoulder and said 'See how he's shifting around? That obsession is comin' back.'

She looked at me and said, 'Maybe you need treatment?'

'I've been thinking about it and think it might be necessary'

Donna looked at Henry and asked 'Can you drive him to the facility tonight?'

TONIGHT?!?!!?!? Now I'm scared.

Donna tapped a button on her phone and asked if there were any beds available tonight and I wanted to run.

I came up with some excuses but we all know what our excuses add up to, just a bunch of nonsense to avoid responsibility.

We kept talking and the sincere care, the 'no fucking around with this' attitude and the FEELING I got from these two people.

Everything they said made perfect sense and it all applied to me but, NOW?

'What are you thinkin' about right now' Henry asked.

'Two forties of malt liquor' was how I replied. 'I don't want to seem ungrateful, guys, I am overwhelmed with the fact that you are taking time from your in-progress lives and trying to help me, but tonight? I have paraphernalia laying at my spot in the open and I CANNOT have my mom coming to my place to see that.'

'Not good enough. You call one of us when your in there and we'll swing by and get that shit gone for you.' (Donna don't fuck around it seems)

'This is an OPPORTUNITY for you man! You have two people here that want to help you, take it man. I can tell you, you keep doing what you're doing and we may never see you again. You don't have to live like this anymore. You're asking for help, right? Please take it, you may never get another chance' Henry added

I told them that I would do it tomorrow and was able to leave filled with guilt that I was being ungrateful. Feeling like pride was fucking with me again.

They knew what I was going to do...

On my way to the store to get my cheap alcohol, i called someone I respect for their opinion. I am in agreement with everyone tonight but I simply can't go to rehab tonight.

When getting high, its all about 'Now'.

Tonight, 'Now' scared the shit out of me.

So, what am I gonna do? I'm going to honor my word and respect that folks care about me and are WILLING to help (even when I only want it in a half-assed manner)

Tomorrow, I'm gonna clean the apartment and take the steps to do this. Treatment again is what I need to do.

I do believe NA can help me stay clean but I do not believe NA can get me clean.

I feel ungrateful. I feel like a loser.

I'll get to the right spot soon enough... just not 'Now'

It is what it is, I suppose.

I went 18 days without smoking cigarettes. The first two days I used a patch, after that I 'cold-turkeyed'. I was doing well until recently. Maybe not as well as I thought.

Nothing is good enough for me. I'm trying real fucking hard to make up for all that time I lost in my life getting high. Pushing myself too fucking hard in an attempt to be someone I think I am. Now at 101 days completely abstinent I am also completely miserable.

I work out hard and i was jogging. I've made significant gains in muscle and tone. It isn't good enough.

I eat healthy and avoid eating for pleasure. I have a flat stomach now with those abs I hear women like. It isn't good enough.

The past coupla days I've been internally violent. I've had thoughts of cutting, burning and suicide. I've considered using again. I've been wanting to hurt people.

This isn't me, man, it just fucking ISN'T. I'm looking for acceptance through other things but my own. I fail in accepting me for me. I get hard on myself wondering why women like me for reasons other than what I want them to like me for.

Folks at work last night mentioned that they were worried about me. That I'm trying to do too much at once. That my personality has changed significantly. I smoked a cigarette and felt MUCH better.

I just bought a pack because i'm tired of feeling this and feel i'm not ready or willing to be miserable right now.

It sucks. After 16 days of not having nicotine in my system, I know its all psychological. All that discomfort and suffering was almost for nothing now.

All I we really want is to feel good about ourselves, right? Well, I need these fucking cigarettes right now to temporarily feel good and 'distract' and kill these new feelings of self-disgust.

I need to just relax and roll with it.

...anywhere

I can't seem to fit in anywhere I feel right; not even really here. I suppose I sort of fit in at school, but even there not really. I never feel like I belong. Like I'm left out of the joke or something. I don't want to force the feeling of being accepted though, because then I don't think it would really be real. *sigh*

The only time I feel right, like I am part of something or I know what I'm doing & what is going on is when I'm using. No matter who is in the room, I know how to use & abuse my drugs. It makes me feel safe.

Between that feeling & how my past relationships made me feel accepted & loved, I don't think this is very good. I've been with abusers, lunatics, druggies, dealers, cheaters & more. FUCK! >_<

K so long time no blog but got to get something written down. Honestly lost again i know that its just that time of year for me to be depressed but damn this year is bad. No job no money and according to my family I became a drunk. Possibly all reasons to be depressed but something else is bugging me. Cant put my finger on it. I'm lost in myself cant find anything that looks familiar. Right now constantly getting bitched at to do something with myself or be out on my ass. That doesn't bother me. I have recently withdrew from the world I don't have any friends really I keep everyone else at a safe distance. That doesn't bother me. I barely eat any more drink a fifth a day and quit doing drugs that actually make me happy. That doesn't bother me. What really gets to me is that I don't care and couldn't care if I wanted to. I'm not worried about losing anything including myself. No interest in anything no will to contact friends or family or continue any hobbies, reading, fucking or even sleeping has become boring.( not to mention started having more and more vivid nightmares every night.)

No idea why I'm even posting this not looking for help, advice or sympathy. I think I just had to read it myself to see how pathetic it is. I think I'm really really frightened deep down but I'm so numb that it doesn't bother me. Even thinking about dying drums up no emotion the mere thought simply bores me. This all might pass again but how many more times until I give up. How many more times can I hit my bottom and actually want to crawl back out. Especially because I'm fond of rock bottom love having nothing left to lose. I started to accept that nothing is ever gonna come of this life, maybe that's the real problem. Just no idea how I would think any differently. Truth is no one but me can fix this but cant motivate myself I always just quit before I begin, seeing the whole situation as pointless. Why?

I guess the whole point is if I cant even recognise myself any more where did I lose myself.

Rough time to fight addiction. This guy I liked asked me to go with him to a New Years party, so I agreed. Everyone around me was snorting lines & drinking like crazy. X & shrooms were being passed around like you have no idea! It was so irritating not to use at all. But thankfully, the guy I liked was sweet enough not to use anything & just spend time with me.

THEN!!!! I FIND OUT ALL THE FUCKING BASTARD WANTED TO DO WAS FUCK ME! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Needless to say, I was quite angry. So I punched him in the balls & went home.

Happy New Years

Today I met with someone that I think I can now officially call a true friend. She is a girl that I have know for a while, but never really been close to. When thinking about how I should have a better way to outlet myself, I thought I should take a chance & talk to her about my life.

At first, things were going well. We met at Burger King & over some lunch started to talk. I found myself telling her everything. Talking to her about my abusive history, suicidal thoughts, family problems, drug use, ADDICTION, therapy & so much more. She just sat there & listened to me. It felt so good to get it all out. Then, she started to tell me about her! I've never had this experience before. It was like we shared a moment & we trusted eachother.

Later on we were sitting & chatting at the park. By this time, we had shared so much with each other. I started to get in depth about my substance abuse; she pulled out a little pipe & packs it. Fuck! She started smoking, then passed it to me. I kept thinking that if i rejected it I would lose this new, real friend. So we smoked. The weed hit me fast, I was trippin so badly.

She started asking me all kinds of questions about my sex life & drugs. She ended up saying she wanted to get a g of coke. I called up my connect & made that shit happen. I got so caught up in it. The world got so distraught. I found someone to confide in & support me, but she wants into the life of drugs, & I'm wanting out.

What to do? Lose this connection (something I've never had before) in hopes to get & stay clean.. OR keep my new friend & my addiction.

[continued from previous entry - again, all comments are welcome!]

Now, my personal opinion on this (as one who is active in HR on- and off-line), and I'm pretty sure the opinion of a large selection of BL'rs if DITM responses tell us anything, heavily leans toward the "HR-as-a-philosophy" (principled) side rather than the "HR-as-a-set-of-practises" (pragmatic) side. However, from the outset allow me to clarify that my extreme disagreement with the pragmatic side does not prevent me from working with them to achieve this common goal. It is with the latter point that I actually agree with the CCSA: that ideology ought to be secondary to goals.

With that said, allow me to begin by quoting Hunt's own definition of HR:

In essence, harm reduction refers to policies and programmes that aim to reduce the harms associated with the use of drugs. A defining feature is their focus on the prevention of drug-related harm rather than the prevention of drug use per se. One widely-cited conception of harm reduction distinguishes harm at different levels - individual, community and societal - and of different types - health, social and economic (Newcombe 1992). These distinctions give a good indication of the breadth of focus and concern within harm reduction.

Click to expand...

I have bolded a line that I think is critical, and I couldn't help but note that community and society were simply left out of their formal definitions. This is because if we are to accept that that individuals are shaped by their communities, and if we are to accept that societies emerge from the individuals and communities whom they comprise, then we would have to agree that reducing harm for the individual and community necessarily means reducing harm for society, and vice-versa. This would inevitably lead to the question of the societal-harms of criminalization and penalization.

If we are to examine society as a power-dominant structure which is comprised of various smaller structures or institutions (Education, Law, Medicine, etc.), themselves comprised of hierarchies of power-relations; we would clearly find in policies, textbooks, and diagnosis manuals an implicit, but very clear lack of acceptance of the drug-user’s validity as a human. This is demonstrated primarily through the criminalisation of the drug-user, and in some cases the medicalization thereof. As such, we are not surprised that drug-users are ostracized within their own communities, thus compromising their social-integration. The drug user, when not behind bars, is either a criminal or a sick person, or potentially either, or both. He is a mythological creature that exists on the periphery of human reality, occasionally appearing and disappearing, but never recognized as essentially-human. This, of course, is the conclusion derived through a systemic-analysis to arrive at the status-quo. There may be individuals and groups (such as BL and the HR-related ones discussed here) that have a more humane outlook on drug-users, but their opinions are, as it stands, heterodox with regards to the abovementioned reality-consensus implied by the dominant structure.

This systemic stigmatisation of the drug-user is every bit as, if not even MORE harmful, than the drug-use itself. It harms the community by alienating its youth, it harms society by allowing atrocities like the War on Drugs to gnaw on financial and social resources endlessly and legitimating the imprisonment of what could have been a productive members of society otherwise. Going back to Hunt’s paper, we find a very succinct survey of research examining the social and community harms of the penalization of drug-users (subsection 3.4, see link above).

Ignoring the social impacts of penalization makes life easy, but doesn’t change the fact that we’re lying to ourselves by ignoring the social aspect of HR. So long as the dominant structure ostracizes the drug-user, the pragmatic part of HR (it’s apparently-successful application), is at best incomplete. So long as the War on Drugs is alive and well, any successful application or HR is successful in spite, rather than because of the power-dominant structure. It would take a systemic paradigm shift, a “turn” in all institutional practises that exclude or otherwise subjugate the drug-user by denying her humanity, for HR to become an integral part of society, hence extending its scope to Social-HR.

And indeed, even with those who left out society from their formal definition, nevertheless implicitly but clearly express the fact that society is just as important as the individual when it comes to HR. Observe the subsections as you scroll down IHRA’s. And as for bodies like the CCSA, it is understandable that one seeking change within the bounds of the system would attempt to present their view as objective and free of ideology. But as such, they are in fact implicitly consenting to the same status-quo that has been shown to cause harm to individuals and communities that they are trying to help.

I do not purport to be neutral on the matter. I have strong biases shaped by my (limited) training in Social Theory, namely the neo-marxist point of view. That said, I also realize that the current reality only allows me to work within the bounds of the law. I think it is wrong not to take an opportunity to help others, even if you realize that said opportunity is nothing more than bone thrown to us by the master, and can be taken away any time at his whim.

(Thank you for reading!)

First here are my 2010 resolutions and how I did on them:
2010 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

1~Move out of my parents house.
- Mostly a fail. Moved out on and off briefly at the start of the year.

2~Improve my bad habits.
- Epic fail.

3~Improve my relationships.
- Mostly a fail, although also a small win for starting some new ones

4~Work hard to make money online.
- Win. Haven't made much money but have been working hard on MySurvey.com

5~Continue an exercise program.
- Partial win. I exercise fairly consistently.

6~Take a trip somewhere or move out of state.
- Win! Went to Ultra in Miami :D

7~Don't cut.
- Fail.

8~Don't shoplift.
- Fail.

9~Try to be as vegan as possible.
- Win. I am not fully vegan but I AM trying to be as vegan as possible

10~Make sure my cats are always taken good care of.
- WIN!

2011 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!!!

1~Go to 12 step meetings regularly, no matter how brutal they can be.

2~Spend more time with friends, no matter how anxious I am.

3~Get a job.

4~Get a therapist.

5~Recognize and write down my moral dilemmas. Record the outcomes of my decisions regarding these. Decided if the outcome was worth the decision.

6~Go bird-watching.

7~When angry wait 24 hours before making a decision on a course of action.

8~Draw at least weekly.

9~Exercise at least 3 times a week.

10~Don't cut.

What are your 2011 resolutions?

[c/p from TDS, for memory.]

2010 has been a tough year for me and everyone I know. I wouldn't be surprised if it was also tough for a lot of people in here.

I believe my worst enemy is forgetfulness. When I forget about the divine, I forget about the good in me. And when I forget the good in me, I forget the good in others, and by the time all of these are forgotten, I'd have spiraled far down into melancholia and multiple petty addictions.

I hope that by forcing ourselves to write down seven personal victories we've accomplished in 2010, no matter how big or small, will help us all remember. Why seven? Because this idea is inspired from one of my favourite ever threads that I made: (Post 7 positive points about your body.) -- btw, I dare you guys to post in that thread! . Seven also because tomorrow would be a week clean of Codeine, having relapsed after getting clean earlier this year.

So, let me start:

1. Passed the Government's certification test for operating Amateur (Ham) Radio, against all odds (I'm number-dyslexic).
2. Got my driver's license after a decade of struggle (got it before, went overseas to have it expire before upgrading, failed subsequent tests, etc).
3. Managed to stick to the 2 glasses of wine per day rule, after the nightmare I endured about a year and a month ago.
4. Beat benzo addiction again after a 2 year relapse; beat codeine addiction again after 4 months relapse (following another codeine victory btw)
5. Reconnected with two friends I consider soul-mates, who restored my faith in myself and others.
6. Reconnected with the Divinity implicit in all, with whom I lost touch in the past year, which also restored my faith and helped beat addiction.
7. Discovered a career-path that could potentially be my "true calling," and started working toward it. All signs so far tell me I'm on the right path.