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Thats what its like right now just blah no smack today and therefore no motivation i could go on a run but as said earlier no motivation plus i think something in me wants to taper for a while(a week) then take the receptors out for a test run. Till then its going to be a long weekend. Ah the first of many piss and moan blogs later.

Damn so this is where you come to post random shit????? weird, I should've been here a long time ago, i've had complaints from being a greenlighter wantin to make it to my bluelight phase to askin the sexual endurance of cockroaches and this is where it all should've been.....aint that some shit, well here I am now and i've missed all of you so much.

Women have chocolate, and their way most of the time, but as men....what do we have? I asked myself this question and wanted to do what else but post another blog. After many trial and errors in the lab and countless blown budgets, i've come to the conclusion that steak is the man's chocolate. Every man should be afforded a steak in his monthly stipend every month. There's no better food bliss on this earth that I can attribute to the satisfaction of a 18 oz (or higher) juicy cooked to whatever specifications preferred by the individual. Where do I get this stuff you may ask, my lab of course where any good scientist conducts with variables and controls. Stay thirsty my friends

The universe has been giving me signs and direction for a while now.
Sounds silly maybe but the patterns and signs in the smallest things are showing me that while life is so up in the air.......I'm on my right path.
Its a bumpy one, but its right.

I'm going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings now after an intense few days of thinking and talking to my dad. He's a recovering alcoholic who stopped drinking five years ago and has been through AA. I talked to him for hours on the phone just bawling and he found an NA group near me that I can go to.

I haven't used since the day after my daughter's birthday. I don't have any money and my dealer is going away for a long time (he got busted manufacturing meth), and I don't just randomly score drugs from anyone after being robbed more times than I can count. So I can't get them, and was forced into kicking the meth for a bit.

I've been sober for four days now, and the worst of it seems to be over. The feeling of being so exhausted but too awake to sleep is gone. The intense ravenous hunger is subsiding. The muscle aches are few and far between now. I'm still kind of in a brain fog, but the worst of it seems to be in the past now.

My daughter definitely knows when I'm using and when I'm not, and this is the longest I have gone without using in about a year now. I can tell she is happier.

I talked to her dad, and when I'm off the ice I can actually speak somewhat civil to him instead of yelling and threatening him. He is backing off on wanting to be in her life since he owes me seven years of child support. He has his girlfriend pregnant right now and says he has "other priorities." All I said was I really hope he can do right by this new baby, but nothing will make up for him leaving his daughter in the dust.

So I'm going to go to meetings as often as I can, I'm going to find a sponsor, and I'm really going to work at getting clean. I need to do it for myself and for my baby. She's seven years old now, and she's growing up and is going to need her mother. And I can't be there for her when I'm focused on smoking that next bowl or railing another line. I can't go to her school conferences and hear about what a joy she is with greasy hair and chapped lips after a binge.

My first meeting is tonight. I'll let you all know how things go.

So I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and i think I might know what to do. Joseph Campbell in one of his lectures mentions a tribe in new guinea and their adulthood ritual. I think I might need to do something similar. I need to find my god and beat the living shit out of it. Finding it will be a task in and of itself but going toe to toe with a deity sounds dangerous. I'm Going to try and risk it any ways. Hopefully i can find some DMT soon enough to do so. Not a certainty but seems like the best bet for finding god when religion just doesn't make sense.

so this morning i was in court. yeah its not big and its not clever but its done with now. one big misunderstanding to do with benefits. shake yourself charlotte!! you nearly lost your home all due to not sorting out benefits...something so simple! jesus.
but yeah, done, i can chill...finally.
was pretty awesome of ki's mum to bring round the chicken. i want to eat it all tho! having to stay well away from the fridge...should really get a propa meal down me. sausage roll and a chicken wing its not substantial food!

the name cally!....after discussing baby names with the mr i have yet again changed my mind! i do like kierah but only cos its so close to kierhan. i know he likes it. i cant do traditional names like he wants. i will see if he likes it when he gets home tonight. wonderin...calli kierah b******n? that sounds pretty awesome to me. ofcourse i want a boy but knowing my luck it wont happen and i am not even 100% sure on a boys name. i love marley thomas - tom after my grandad but millie named her son marley. it would be strange or she would think i am copying. ahh who cares anyway when the time comes we'll know.
been nice actually talking about it. was soo worried ki wasnt bothered but now it just feels like i am not being silly thinking about it all the time cos he is too.

cinema tomorro. pretty much our first official date since we have only ever really been out with friends or to get wasted but not tomorro, tomorro is romantic style icky stuff. nice clothes nice meal, movie....am lookin forward to it!

its sooo quiet in this house! destiny is at her friends and i am sat in the dark in my room with only the tapping of the keys to stop me feeling as though i am earless. i am wondering what to do with myself. joanne was online but has now gone so i am pretty much just writing in my blog for the sake of it.

my heart jumped in to my throat when i realised someone was able to read my blog, luckily only blog mods can read them tho while private so i am safe. i know jo has been fishing around cos all she seems to hear from me lately is "i am just updating my blog" and she is dying to read....maybe one day i will show her but not yet. nows not the time...

so todays the day i could possibly be ovulating. guess only time will tell but am super excited...i think kierhan is too. he says he is. am starting to feel my old self again. after the train wreck come down after dappas party and being broke into by a so called friend i felt like i was sinking into depression but i managed to snap myself out of it and last night and this morn things have been so much better. i started doubting my relationship. i know now it was just drugs and the fact i felt alone. hopefully drugs will be a thing of the past if i am pregnant, if not then try again next month. am not feelin writing in here at the mo. maybe later

NIA

NIA

NIA

Hi everyone iam 18 years old I'm graduated and iam taking magic mush next weekend for the first time. Iam experienced in pot as I smoke it about once a week and handle it well except for a few times when I got paranoid. So how much should I take and how do I know that they arnt poisinous? ( for Rec use not spiritual)

(subconscious): Blogging again so soon?

(me): Why yes I am, I start my day thankful for waking up giving all blessings to whatever divine being or stroke of luck has me here to render yesterdays mistakes purposeful.

(subconscious):Say what, but you live for the moment right?

(me): Yes and no, i'm just wondering when it's all gonna end more than i'm enjoying the present. Death has become past tense in my mind with uncertainty and that bowl from KFC. What????

(me):Sorry, got off track for a moment

(subconscious): What has your tunnel vision focused you on?

(me): Spirituality, and understanding that thing in your head makes sense most of the time and that money is creating a wedge between people now.

(subconscious): What, Why?

(subconscious): Because people are seemingly living and dying for it, i'm happy with being happy, but I won't say having money to live comfortably doesn't hurt.

(me): How do you balance happiness and money, are they synonomous?

(subconscious): No, you don't you make sacrifices, one for the other usually, damn why can't I have both????

(me): Am I living for dying or dying for living?

(subconscious): Dunno, but if you're interested in a raccoon that can sniff out seafood and weed I got em on sale.

I just rang the Ambulance. He txt'd and said he is going to kill himself and refused to answer my calls. The Emergency services just rang back and said he answered and said me and him were just having a domestic. The guy on the phone seemed to believe him. Am so fucking angry. Tired of being made a fool of...

What the fuck am I going to do...I cant sever anything with him, he wont reason with me!!! Today he cried with me and I told him we just have to go our own way and sort out our own lives independently. We were txt'ing and he was going to go to a meeting etc and he was fine and then I'm landed with this bomshell. He just keeps making a fucking asshole out of me.
Am so tired of this shit...I am fairly reasonable but he is fucking with me..I feel like such an idiot! The longest commited relationship I've kept down has been with a fucking Emotionally, Manipulative lunatic. That'l learn me I guess!
Just dont want to become all embittered and hard hearted again.

Fucking bastard this morning compared me to a Manatee-he knows I have Huge Body image problems and have an Eating disorder, couldnt even go out at christmas cause I felt I looked like a fucking ten ton mass of gelatinous crap!- this is what made me tell him it's over(it might seem petty to some people but Im not into being an insensitive Moron with people myself and dont need that shit in my life, its just on principle.) I actually forgive him too quickly, I know he's sick but am starting to think he isnt as sick as I make out, fucking Macho prick! Just praying to keep my strength up and never contact him again. Rather be somewhat balanced on my own than have this screwball take me down with him with his passive-aggressive shit!

Hey everyone, I'm a newbie, but have been a long time browser and I know there are a lot of very smart people out here. My predicament is this; I'm a disabled vet w/ a really bad back. I relied on oc's for quality of life for several years, now I find them worthless. I get bt meds(30mg oxy) but need a good er med. I'm on opana now and not impressed, have tried msconti, wasn't impressed. Any reccomendations, patch perhaps? Any suggestions would be great, and much appreciated, thank you and have a pain free day!

Just wanted to say Happy birthday to a truly deep and compassionate person.

spork, you were one of the first people that made me feel cared for through your responses to my Blogs. Your warmth, gentle nature and compassion can be felt through your words and that is something that is quite amazing. Thank you for everything you have done. You certainly have done much more for me than you could possibly know

Please thank your mother for us, all those who have had the opportunity to have you as a part of our lives

I broke my sobriety. I know its only been a couple weeks, but those were the hardest weeks for me. A friend came over (he used to be my dealer) & of course he had shit on him. I just did so much shit, i can't even funtion right now. Its takin me like 10 min to write this. Fuck. I hate that I broke being sober, but at the same time I feel like I needed this & I feel so much better.... :/

A couple of days ago I rolled with my boyfriend, and this morning I decided to take adderall so I could get stuff done around the house and go to work. But now I feel so weird. My head feels empty, it feels like underneath my skin I'm stretched out, and my heart is like a bulbous organ that is releasing chills through my chest. Usually, feeling this way would be exciting, but for some reason I feel so disgusting. My eyes feel huge in my head too, and I keep losing focus. It feels so dirty in my body right now, and I don't really know how to handle this one. But like every drug, it'll go away eventually. I just can't stand this invasion.

Greetings fellow bluelighters. I have never blogged, so be patient please.

I was diagnosed as being bi-poloar about 8 years ago ... put into a room with very low-functioning adults ... and never experienced the mania part.

Recently I had a bout of suicidal thoughts and general depression, called my husband who took off work and wanted to take me to the ER ... talked him into another 'counseling facility' and the counselor says .. don't want to say you were miss-diagnosed ... blah blah blah ... asked me some questions and says, I believe you have borderline personality disorder. I go back on December 22nd and was wondering if others' have suffered with this and what medications they've found helpful.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Closed.

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
Folded.

Sleep on your back or stomach?
Stomach.

Are you a cuddler?
Yes.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
Shoes and my stack of notebooks with my poems/ramblings.

Something that happened today that made you angry?
My daughter's father called me. He wants back in her life when he hasn't been there for seven fucking years.

What were you doing before this survey?
Reading some BL forums.

What will you do after the survey?
Sleep.

Marriage or living together?
Living in sin.

What shirt are you wearing now?
Red "Psycho Bitch" tank.

Do you sing?
Yes.

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
No.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
I talk about them only with my boyfriend. Otherwise I write them down.

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
No.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Wake my daughter up if she isn't up before me, and make the family breakfast.

Ever had surgery?
Appendectomy around age 13.

Last argument you got into with?
My daughter's deadbeat ass sperm donor.

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
No.

What's one good thing about your best friend?
He's also my boyfriend and the best daddy my daughter could ask for.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Tonight won't be too hard, I didn't smoke any meth today. Still coming down, but I think I'm past the point of "needing" benzos.

Current song on myspace?
I Facebook.

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
No.

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
No. I have a seven year old, she's my monkey! :D

What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
None, and if there was my Firefox add-on blocks them.

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
Hopefully tapering myself to a point where I can stop doing the drugs.

It's midnight. Who are you texting?
No one.

It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
Work.

Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be?
Dave Navarro.

Your Christmas list consists of?
I wanted to be sober over Christmas. And I was. From the 23rd to the 26th I used no drugs. I wanted to be clear-headed for my baby girl and am so glad I did it.

You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
If I was in NY I would probably be drug hunting.

You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
American Eagle.

How do you feel about your hair?
I like it right now. Wish it was super long again though.

What movie is in your DVD player?
There isn't one in there right now.

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
I wouldn't. I like being back in Wisconsin.

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
They don't.

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
My daughter told me I'm the best mommy ever. I know I'm not, but I'm working on it, and I love to hear it even though it's not 100% true.

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
I only have one, we don't talk a lot. She has a newborn baby and a new husband and is busy with life.

What would you change about your life right now?
I'd get rid of the meth beast on my back and finally be sober. But I'm not at that point yet.

What’s the best feeling in the world?
Hearing your child say they love you. :D

I am an addict and just started taking suboxzone 2 months ago. i need help from anyone out there my friend is still using and she just broke the tip of a needle off in her vain. What should she do? I never used a needle so I have no idea what to tell her and I can not get any answers anywhere on the internet. I have never even blogged before so I am not even sure if anyone will see this. I will make my profile later this seems like an interesting site. But PLEASE right now can somebody tell me what to tell my friend on the phone? PLEASE HELP I am worried about her!!!
Please email me at [email protected] IT IS 11:45 PM Thursday night Thankyou Cathy

For those of you that haven't followed my 2 megathreads in the Rel. + Sex. forum, here's a quick synopsis:

I'm Timothy, I'm 18 years old and I live in Amsterdam. Contrary to popular belief, this doesn't mean my life knows no trouble.

I've been with my current girlfriend (she's 16) for about a year, and recently things have gotten... complicated.

Tonight she told me she's fallen in love with a friend of her's, a russian guy. He has no feelings for her, and nothing happened.

Needless to say, I felt devestated. She was sobbing, and I wanted nothing more than to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her everythings all right. But everything wasn't alright, the girl I had loved for over a year was no longer really mine.

We decided to break up for 2 weeks.

Later this evening however, things were getting a little more upbeat, and kept stroking her in increasingly intimate places (it was exciting because we had just broken up, and she was of the opinion that this meant that a lot of (sexual) stuff we used to do as partners, we couldn't do now. My opinion differed from hers, and breaking all her little taboo's was incredibly stimulating for me)

However, this now puts me in a position where chronologically:

1. she told me she fell in love with another guy

2. we decided we were to break up for at least 2 weeks

3. we were making out in my bed

Needless to say, I'm confused. I'm not even sure wether I should take back my girlfriend after what happened...

one more sleep and i shall be raising my glow sticks and popping some pills.
dappas birthday bash, everything is sorted just got to arrive and party.
last night was a strange sleep. after sulking all night at the other half for blowing 130 quid a month on a course he wont do. 6grand man its a lot of dollar when we got a house to run and kids to feed...finally came to a compromise tho, he does the course every other day atleast or its getting cancelled. i amsticking to it aswell.
its been a pretty good atmosphere in this house other than that tho. no real arguments, sleeping ok i suppose. getting on with tasks around the house. i want the house junk free asap. sick of hoarding. yes i am liking the start to 2011! its gunna be a good one. only thing is we are making all these plans to go to all these events and people seem to be forgetting i may be pregnant by next month. suppose its nice to have something else to occupy my mind tho. if all else fails atleast i can attend the events.

now about my dream!
so wot i can rememebr am sat on a wall and nichola comes up to me..i put my hands out and am speechless i dont wanna shout at her but i dont wanna talk to her...she grabs my hands in a loving gesture and i am immediately sucked in, i want to cry, we talk and i say to her i dont know if she realised she was trying to hurt me or not. its pretty black from here i can rememebr that before hand i was with joanne and knew i should be talking to nichola but i am weak to her powers of manipulation. i go with her somewhere...we seem to be on a park. she is intoxicated...we talk. something happens i cant remember what, her two oldest sons are there and another girl in glasses i dont think i know her. i talk about how i have to leave...i see jamie pull up. i move away...she tells me he hit her and she is crying i stay with her feleing sorry for her..i find out somehow she is lying and i am trapped there with her. i want out, i try to ring joanne...i see her and i know i am safe. i wake up...from this point i am desperate to go back to sleep to know what happens next but instead lay there thinkin about it. is it because deep down i miss the good in nichola? was there any good in her? maybe its because i know there is a chance she will be there tomorro. i hate her for what she did i can never forgive and my life is so much better without her.

It's January 4th, my baby is seven today.

Today at 1:31 a.m., my little darling, Cora Lyric Harmony Rae ****, was born into this world. She was a healthy 6 lbs 15 oz and 19.5" long. I gave birth to her with no pain medication after a year of sobriety.

Go back to when I was 15. He said he loved me. He said he'd be with me forever. He knew all the right words to say, he knew how to sweet talk me and get me to cave in from my beliefs. He stole my virginity and got me pregnant about six months into our relationship. In April of 2003, I found out I was pregnant. My dad was very supportive, my mom was not. And neither was her father - he up and left, saying it wasn't his baby. What an asshole. I continued to go to school and after having her I basically homeschooled myself so I could get my GED.

And I sit here seven years later. I picked up my baby from 1st grade, gave her a kiss, helped her with her homework (the little bit 1st graders get), and fixed up some hamburgers and homemade baked macaroni and cheese for dinner. Now my little girl is watching a movie in the other room, and I sit here waiting for her to go to bed so I can take some benzos and sleep this comedown off.

My baby, with her white blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that can stop a heart from across a room (just like her mommy, except mommy's hair is flaming red now) and the nose and bad eyesight of her sperm donor, is the reason I'm still alive.

She is the reason I cut down my habit. I cannot yet stop, I'm not in the right place, but she has me willing to cut down my use and try to eventually get across the bridge to sobriety.

today has been pretty nice. destiny back at school so had some time to myself. i tidied under my bed which i have been planning to do for some time, house is looking pretty much tidy now. really looking forward to the weekend, dappas birthday bash, just hoping we have the money.
last night i told kierhan sex was becoming routine and i didnt feel sexy atm. i think he understood and felt the same. we had good sex last night, still thinking about pregnancy a lot. not so much tho its not so much a desperate feeling anymore just gotta let it happen.
really want to get my life on track, get decorated...thinking about moving house quite a bit. that would be nice to have a whole new start.
seem to be spending a lot of time on bluelight. the more i read about opiates and benzo's the more i wanna try em. bored of stims now. ofcourse when i am pregnant i will stop it all just an urge i have to try something a little different.
feelin cheese on toast for tea, all i seem to eat lately is cheese on toast and bacon sandwiches. its not good i need a better diet.
i need a fucking oven so i can show kierhan how i can really cook.
having a lot of baths lately. thinking about taking one now but first going to check kierhans bank to see if the money has gone in. god i hope so! bye for now