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Here are a couple videos of the beach I took today:
The beach- Our backyard

The backyard from the balcony

I've tried a few times to write this entry but the words just weren't coming. I don't know how to put these feelings into some sort of understandable text. I don't understand any of it. I'm even finding it hard to reply to people's posts in TDS.

Yesterday morning my mom called to tell me that a neighbor found my oldest brother dead in his trailer. He died sometime between Thursday (01/13/11) afternoon and Saturday morning. We don't know the cause.

He suffered his whole life but these last few years were the hardest. He got to the point where he was unable to take care of himself. He had physical problems in addition to his alcohol and drug addictions. He was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 14.

I learned last night that it was not a self-inflicted gun wound. This was my greatest fear.

My parents left for Tennessee from Pennsylvania this morning to assess what needs to be done. I suspect they will be shocked with his living conditions due to his addiction.

My other brother and I will be going down to pack his personal belongings and bring them back home.

I really don't know what else to say

OK so after 9 days of Ayurvedic fast, which caused me to lose about 3-4 lbs (NEEEED to put on the weight again stat!) and slow my metabolism aaaand ultimately cleanse my body inside and out - I started eating more consciously.

Not that I was eating particularly unhealthily before, but just relatively due to my constitution - overreactive flora in the form of Candida... sucks.

So I'm eating more bitter greens, way less yeast and fermented products, even LESS processed sugar (next to nothing now), and not drinking any cow's milk - goats milk FTW!

So On thursday after working with my lady's ex doing some roofing, (I decided to do a couple of mushrooms, which helped me get over my fear of being seriously high up a roof pretty quickly after a spliff as well...) I had a few drinks and a few spliffs and fuck me, I nodded out pretty quickly - easier than usual.

I just put it down to not eating properly at the time, but in actual fact I ate A LOT that day, so it wasn't that... plot thickens.

So the next day as I'm walking back along the forest way, I drink this poppy pod tea brew my friends made up for me - it's quite nice, light and slightly euphoric to start with, getting warmer, especially seeing as it's kinda sunny....

Get home and my eyes are well and truly glazed and time is shooting by.

Start nodding.

THis shit is pretty heavyduty to the point where I feel a bit sick.

I'm nodding, I tell my friend who made it for me and he gives me a couple of capfuls of ground coca leaf with some bicarb to chew on...I'm still nodding so I do another.

Mouth goes all numb, and start feeling very up and at 'em - all's well. Sociable buzz is back.

So I go to a party and smoke a few joints, and get offered a line of some very nice cocaine - haven't had any like that in a year...

Forward wind to sunday morning AAAAAND - I'm puking.

My body does NOT like the amount of drugs I mercilessly dumped into it unannounced and it's payback.

This is a warning - treat my body well, nothing LIKE this amount (which I thought was small) of chemicals to go in my system again, in such a short span of time...silly Jimmy

well what can i say about the weekend? friday nigt was great, cinema and tgi fridays. steak was beaut...service was awesome but 35quid?? hmmm ok for a special occasion. had another pretzel i was craving, this time vanilla and sugar then watched little fockers. shite cinema at mhell. film was good tho ki didnt reackon much to it. had a lovely walk home from train station and child free evening. good times.

sat morning we went on visiting rounds and to the park with the kids. think we had more fun tho i went to my mums to chill for a while as ki went snookering with jamie. he won 2-1 which i didnt expect but awesome! came home and just chilled. was lovely. i love the weekend, especially as there was no drink or drugs involved.

yesterday my mum rang to ask me to go to oldham and somewhere in lincs with her. was a really long drive, left at 11am returned at 8 pm. sat in the car while she did the appointments and just chilled with a magazine. enjoyed it so much, the scenery in manchester is fab. the moors, moutains, lakes. loved it! had kfc and macdonalds also thanks to mum. came back and just chatted with the fam. they booked to go to florida which i must admit am a little jealous of as i would love a holiday.
we really need to book one but i sooo wanna get this house done. cant help but think kierhan is a little selfish at times. seems to think he can buy what he wants when he wants. spend all of our money and not worry about the house. his laziness in the morning is also becoming a problem for me again. its causing arguments. i hate to argue!
still not sure if i have ovulate/d or not. not massively bothered right now cos i am beginning to think its going to be a loooooong wait. gotta pace myself and not waste my energy.
today sucks. got no money no fags no food and we have a funeral tomorro. yea kierhans off work but still what fun is that when we have no money. dunno how we will survive until saturday, this job centre thing has messed us up completely. not happy!!

I like to keep track of what I've taken over the course of my life, so I'll be updating this as I try new things.

--Stimulants--

• Caffeine
• Nicotine
• Amphetamine (Adderall)
• Methylphenidate (Concerta)
• Ecstasy

--Depressants--

• Alcohol
• Zolpidem (Ambien)

--Opioids--

• Hydrocodone (Vicodin)
• Propoxyphene (Darvocet)
• Oxycodone (Percocet, Oxycontin)

--Psychedelics--

• Cannabis
• Salvia
• Spice
• LSD
• DMT

--Deliriants--

• DPH
• Nutmeg

--Dissociatives--

• Nitrous
• DXM

--Anti-Depressants--

• St. John's Wort

im a female who had sex during my 4th day of withdrawal from heroin....im worried i might be pregnant..i hope im not. Along with many others female opiate users, i've noticed that i wouldn't menstruate for usually however long i was strung out or so...so my question(should be very obvious) is how fertile are you after you had your period about a week and a half before and have unprotected sex while you are withdrawing from opiates??.............is it possible to get pregnant?? even if at your most fertile was when you were on ur period...

hi every1,jus wanted 2no wat d situation is wit d drought over here(in dublin?)i do b bac n forth from brum n dublin n wud apprecate any info,tanx,its not sumting id ask on facebook so tanx.....

Just came home and had a huge argument. I was hungry and havnt ate much in a few days...I cant eat on my own...and I drank the last few nights, not much, about a 3/4 bottle of wine tues, afull bottle wed's and Thurs and had 3-4 glasses last night. I feel so bored in the evenings I just cant handle it.
I am just feeling a huge loss and lack of purpose today. Im trying to keep my head above water but I feel lonely and without purpose. Also, I cant handle people at the moment because I dont feel like my sense of self is strong enough to manage.
Just wish I could transition through emotions properly but I just cant deal with them ATM. I cant handle feeling vulnerable, it makes me feel sick. I cant believe how out of control my anger was. I just dont want to eat much and i cant even manage that.
I feel like a burden on my parents. I am overly sensitive and cant get rid of it, I get too attached to everything and feel too needy. Im sick of hearing people act like their confident just because they get high. As if this makes them 'special' and important. Really dont know what to do or how I should be at the moment...if I could switch myself off I would. Have D txt'ing me how he misses me and I have to keep on saying to myself-he doesnt mean it, he only misses having a distraction, an object to make him feel warm. This sickens me too. Feel so old. Feeling sorry for myself and I cant stop it. Feel weak.

Preface: I covered my arrival in Delray Beach, Florida and ended in Tampa 28 months later in the early 1990s. It was during that short period that all 3 of my non-Iraeli children were born, the youngest of whom is now turning 15.

1995, Tampa, Florida: Tampa is a very interesting city. First of all practically no-Jews live there so I found it exotic since it was the 1st time in my life that I wouldn't be around Jews. Even during my 1 year in Thailand and Cambodia (1992) had not been without fellow Jews.

In the 1880s the town became a major producer of cigars. Needing experienced workers it heavily recruited Cubans (where as by 1945 a Cuban was very rare in Miami). Instead of native Cubans though recent Spanish immigrants to Cuba were the ones hired. At the same time New Orleans, across the Gulf of Mexico, was home to a burgeoning Sicilian immigrant population. Needing room to expand large groups of Sicilians made their way east to Tampa. The 3 groups, Cubans, Spanish and Sicilians quickly intermarried (about the only place in the US that this happened). Neighbourhoods like West Tampa and Ybor City (suburbs at that time) became somewhat homogenous and the locals, known as "Tampenos" (I don't have the correct font but pronounced "Tam-pay-nyos") developed their oen distinct form of Spanish, heavy on Sicilian vocabulary.

The architecture in those 2 neighbourhoods is EXACTLY like New Orleans with the "Shotgun Bungalows" (so named because all the rooms lined up in a row with doors all aligned so if one fired a shotgun through the front door and all doors were opened the shot will go straight through and exit out the back door!). The stores are built like those in the French Quarter of New Orleans as well. I enjoyed the environment. I also liked that unlike Delray, Tampa had a cold winter, I prefer cooler temps.

After I began my relationship with the mum of my daughter, my youngest child, I ran across a Puerto Rican guy I knew from New York. He was pulling out of the carpark of a West Tampa bakery when he saw me. Calling me over we greeted one another though we had talked a week before. I was finally off of opiate/opioids having been habituated to morphine in the army at age 17. By age 20 the army made me get on methadone (Israel doesn't criminalise addiction, it is regarded as a health issue, and since I got it from a combat injury I wasn't treated like a pariah. They did however make methadone mandatory for me). In Thailand I switched to heroin since it was widely available though methadone at that time was illegal there. In Delray I used whatever my relatives had but then quickly ran out and since then had been straight). Like the addict I had definitely become, there wasn't a single day that I wasn't preoccupied with finding opiates/opioids, but Tampa had none on the street. There were 2 methadone programmes with a total of 120 clients, all from the northeast apparently. I did NOT want methadone, even before I understood its chemical limitations I knew subjectively it wouldn't provide me with the euphoria all opiate/opioid addicts crave. I asked people I knew and it was this subject that my friend brought up as I stood at his car window.

One of his friends had begun dealing small weight, Colombian #4, chocolate brown powder. I was like a cartoon character, "WHAAAAAAT???, Let's go NOWWW." He haf 2 women with him snd told me to wait a few minutes he would drop them off at the other end of the project (West Tampa Homes). We then drove over to Ybor City, and pulled up outside one of those shotgun bungalows. 10 or 15 Puerto Ricans were hanging out and since I didn't know them he told me he would go fetch a sample. He took about 15 minutes but it seemed like 4 or 5 hours. Finally he came back and we pulled away. At his project flat he took me into the bedroom and closed the door. He was a freak for Salsa (an Afro-Carribean music) and had DJ Soundsystem speakers which he cranked up. Sittimg on his bed as I sat in a folding chair he carefully opened a corner of seran platic wrap. Tjat had been double knotted. Inside was a half gramme rock and I could smell that acetic anhydride (strong vinegar odour). I knew I would be feeling heaven in less than a minute. It is impossible to conjure up the emotion I fwlt, now, 16 years later and with as much opiates/opioids as anyone could ever wish for and yet my heart beats rapidly and my senses sharpen even now as I recall that sheer anticipation.

I offered him some and he wouldn't hear of it. He didn't like opiates/opioidsm I offered him a finder's fee, which strangely isn't as clear as my anticipation. I imagine I gave him a few 20s. I asked him for a razor, and of course he didn't have one but he did manage to find a utility knife. Using a dirty fucken utility knife I cut a piece off, maybe 50 mgs. I ground it by pressing a skillet over it and then chopping it with that utility knife. Finally small enough, I put it in a metal ladel, took a baby eye dropper full of water ontop, 4 times, it almost totally dissolved without heat, I swear I was hard. Cutting a piece off a plastic straw I insufflated 25mgs and WHOOOOOOOOOOM, "I'm home honey, how you been baby? I missed you."

To be continued...

While staying in Delray Beach I would always run into people from my times in New York. Since my visits to NY revolved around drugs it isn't difficult to predict which way my life would go. One such person was a Puerto Rican named "Fernando" whom I knew from Bushwick in Brooklyn. Suprised to see me we made plans to go down to Miami, or to be exact, Miami Beach. Though most of Miami is Cuban with a host of smaller Latino groups, Miami Beach (at least at that time) had a Puerto Rican "hood."

The following weekend we took the commuter train down to Miami and stayed at his brother's place. Also staying there was his brother's sister-in-law, a half-Jewish/half-white girl named Cindy, all of 16. Up until this point I had only ever touched a single girl, my 1st wife back in Israel. I had been divorced for 2 years already but having been kept busy in the army I didn't miss sex that much (well that isn't exactly true but I was busy). That night Fernando bought a few bottles of "Boone's Farm" watermelon and strawberry wine. There was cannabis and coke but I don't really do much of either. Still, I drank a few gulps to be sociable and by the next morning I had my first American lover.

I returned to Delray but every weekend would head down to Miami. Within 2 months she was pregnant. By the time my son was born 9 months later our relationship was over in all but name but she did give me my 5th child. Since Cindy's mum was Jewish my son would be Jewish under our Laws. I had the comic Jackie Mason's brother perform the ritual circumcision (brit) and felt that I would try to get custody soon to ensure he wasn't raised as anything but Jewish. In the end Cindy circumvented those plans by splitting with my son when he was 4 months old. I wouldn't see him again until he was almost 10 despite hiring detectives.

At that point I already had left my 3 jobs alone and was driving a lorry between Tampa and Dallas, Texas and to be closer to my terminal moved across to Tampa on the opposite coast of Florida. In Tampa I met a Puerto Rican girl named Luz and alas, I I had my first non-Jewish child, my 6th kid, a boy. I had a huge amount of guilt over my son by Cindy and in retrospect I believe I sought a another chance. I was able to become quite close to my Puerto Rican son but when he was 2 his mum married a 54 year old man and they moved to Puerto Rico. I rarely saw him until he was 8 and only 1 time a year after that because of moving back home to Israel.

Right after my son moved to Puerto Rico I met my daughter's mum, the illegal immigrant from Mexico. I had taken a local hauling job for Pepsi in between loads to Dallas. One day I was dropping off skids of soda and had gone into the super market I was delivering to to talk to the Pepsi Rep who was facing 12 packs (straightening the space on shelves). It was then that she smiled at me and I asked her how she was doing in Spanish (my Spanish is better than my English). She was suprised I spoke without an accent and we struck up a conversation.

She was an au pair working for the common law wife of a large scale coke smuggler whose front was 4 new car dealerships in Tampa. The woman, a stuck up white lady was racist with regard to relationships. She used to tell the girl not to be with me because I wasn't brown like the girl. I cursed the lady out and Santos, the Mexican girl, moved in with me. She started pressuring me to marry her, I suspect that it was so she could legalise her Immigration Status. I refused. Next she got pregnant on purpose. My 7th chil, my youngest, was a girl. Santos and I went our separate ways and she was forced to return gome to Mexico after the birth.

About 2 years ago she was able to secure a 10 year visa and so she now comes and goes. My youngest will be 15 and so its time for her Quincinera, as I mentioned in my previous entry. Her Puerto Rican brother and I will attend. My American son is now in Israel, he just entered the IDF making him my 4th child in the military. I am not looking forward to the Quincinera because apart from my daughter and her mum I won't know anyone (though 1 son will be with me).

When I look back I can't say I regret any of my children but I do regret ny lack of foresight in those days. Hindsight is 20:20 Vision as the saying goes.

Thats what its like right now just blah no smack today and therefore no motivation i could go on a run but as said earlier no motivation plus i think something in me wants to taper for a while(a week) then take the receptors out for a test run. Till then its going to be a long weekend. Ah the first of many piss and moan blogs later.

Damn so this is where you come to post random shit????? weird, I should've been here a long time ago, i've had complaints from being a greenlighter wantin to make it to my bluelight phase to askin the sexual endurance of cockroaches and this is where it all should've been.....aint that some shit, well here I am now and i've missed all of you so much.

Women have chocolate, and their way most of the time, but as men....what do we have? I asked myself this question and wanted to do what else but post another blog. After many trial and errors in the lab and countless blown budgets, i've come to the conclusion that steak is the man's chocolate. Every man should be afforded a steak in his monthly stipend every month. There's no better food bliss on this earth that I can attribute to the satisfaction of a 18 oz (or higher) juicy cooked to whatever specifications preferred by the individual. Where do I get this stuff you may ask, my lab of course where any good scientist conducts with variables and controls. Stay thirsty my friends

The universe has been giving me signs and direction for a while now.
Sounds silly maybe but the patterns and signs in the smallest things are showing me that while life is so up in the air.......I'm on my right path.
Its a bumpy one, but its right.

I'm going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings now after an intense few days of thinking and talking to my dad. He's a recovering alcoholic who stopped drinking five years ago and has been through AA. I talked to him for hours on the phone just bawling and he found an NA group near me that I can go to.

I haven't used since the day after my daughter's birthday. I don't have any money and my dealer is going away for a long time (he got busted manufacturing meth), and I don't just randomly score drugs from anyone after being robbed more times than I can count. So I can't get them, and was forced into kicking the meth for a bit.

I've been sober for four days now, and the worst of it seems to be over. The feeling of being so exhausted but too awake to sleep is gone. The intense ravenous hunger is subsiding. The muscle aches are few and far between now. I'm still kind of in a brain fog, but the worst of it seems to be in the past now.

My daughter definitely knows when I'm using and when I'm not, and this is the longest I have gone without using in about a year now. I can tell she is happier.

I talked to her dad, and when I'm off the ice I can actually speak somewhat civil to him instead of yelling and threatening him. He is backing off on wanting to be in her life since he owes me seven years of child support. He has his girlfriend pregnant right now and says he has "other priorities." All I said was I really hope he can do right by this new baby, but nothing will make up for him leaving his daughter in the dust.

So I'm going to go to meetings as often as I can, I'm going to find a sponsor, and I'm really going to work at getting clean. I need to do it for myself and for my baby. She's seven years old now, and she's growing up and is going to need her mother. And I can't be there for her when I'm focused on smoking that next bowl or railing another line. I can't go to her school conferences and hear about what a joy she is with greasy hair and chapped lips after a binge.

My first meeting is tonight. I'll let you all know how things go.

So I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and i think I might know what to do. Joseph Campbell in one of his lectures mentions a tribe in new guinea and their adulthood ritual. I think I might need to do something similar. I need to find my god and beat the living shit out of it. Finding it will be a task in and of itself but going toe to toe with a deity sounds dangerous. I'm Going to try and risk it any ways. Hopefully i can find some DMT soon enough to do so. Not a certainty but seems like the best bet for finding god when religion just doesn't make sense.

so this morning i was in court. yeah its not big and its not clever but its done with now. one big misunderstanding to do with benefits. shake yourself charlotte!! you nearly lost your home all due to not sorting out benefits...something so simple! jesus.
but yeah, done, i can chill...finally.
was pretty awesome of ki's mum to bring round the chicken. i want to eat it all tho! having to stay well away from the fridge...should really get a propa meal down me. sausage roll and a chicken wing its not substantial food!

the name cally!....after discussing baby names with the mr i have yet again changed my mind! i do like kierah but only cos its so close to kierhan. i know he likes it. i cant do traditional names like he wants. i will see if he likes it when he gets home tonight. wonderin...calli kierah b******n? that sounds pretty awesome to me. ofcourse i want a boy but knowing my luck it wont happen and i am not even 100% sure on a boys name. i love marley thomas - tom after my grandad but millie named her son marley. it would be strange or she would think i am copying. ahh who cares anyway when the time comes we'll know.
been nice actually talking about it. was soo worried ki wasnt bothered but now it just feels like i am not being silly thinking about it all the time cos he is too.

cinema tomorro. pretty much our first official date since we have only ever really been out with friends or to get wasted but not tomorro, tomorro is romantic style icky stuff. nice clothes nice meal, movie....am lookin forward to it!

its sooo quiet in this house! destiny is at her friends and i am sat in the dark in my room with only the tapping of the keys to stop me feeling as though i am earless. i am wondering what to do with myself. joanne was online but has now gone so i am pretty much just writing in my blog for the sake of it.

my heart jumped in to my throat when i realised someone was able to read my blog, luckily only blog mods can read them tho while private so i am safe. i know jo has been fishing around cos all she seems to hear from me lately is "i am just updating my blog" and she is dying to read....maybe one day i will show her but not yet. nows not the time...

so todays the day i could possibly be ovulating. guess only time will tell but am super excited...i think kierhan is too. he says he is. am starting to feel my old self again. after the train wreck come down after dappas party and being broke into by a so called friend i felt like i was sinking into depression but i managed to snap myself out of it and last night and this morn things have been so much better. i started doubting my relationship. i know now it was just drugs and the fact i felt alone. hopefully drugs will be a thing of the past if i am pregnant, if not then try again next month. am not feelin writing in here at the mo. maybe later

NIA

NIA

NIA

Hi everyone iam 18 years old I'm graduated and iam taking magic mush next weekend for the first time. Iam experienced in pot as I smoke it about once a week and handle it well except for a few times when I got paranoid. So how much should I take and how do I know that they arnt poisinous? ( for Rec use not spiritual)

(subconscious): Blogging again so soon?

(me): Why yes I am, I start my day thankful for waking up giving all blessings to whatever divine being or stroke of luck has me here to render yesterdays mistakes purposeful.

(subconscious):Say what, but you live for the moment right?

(me): Yes and no, i'm just wondering when it's all gonna end more than i'm enjoying the present. Death has become past tense in my mind with uncertainty and that bowl from KFC. What????

(me):Sorry, got off track for a moment

(subconscious): What has your tunnel vision focused you on?

(me): Spirituality, and understanding that thing in your head makes sense most of the time and that money is creating a wedge between people now.

(subconscious): What, Why?

(subconscious): Because people are seemingly living and dying for it, i'm happy with being happy, but I won't say having money to live comfortably doesn't hurt.

(me): How do you balance happiness and money, are they synonomous?

(subconscious): No, you don't you make sacrifices, one for the other usually, damn why can't I have both????

(me): Am I living for dying or dying for living?

(subconscious): Dunno, but if you're interested in a raccoon that can sniff out seafood and weed I got em on sale.

I just rang the Ambulance. He txt'd and said he is going to kill himself and refused to answer my calls. The Emergency services just rang back and said he answered and said me and him were just having a domestic. The guy on the phone seemed to believe him. Am so fucking angry. Tired of being made a fool of...

What the fuck am I going to do...I cant sever anything with him, he wont reason with me!!! Today he cried with me and I told him we just have to go our own way and sort out our own lives independently. We were txt'ing and he was going to go to a meeting etc and he was fine and then I'm landed with this bomshell. He just keeps making a fucking asshole out of me.
Am so tired of this shit...I am fairly reasonable but he is fucking with me..I feel like such an idiot! The longest commited relationship I've kept down has been with a fucking Emotionally, Manipulative lunatic. That'l learn me I guess!
Just dont want to become all embittered and hard hearted again.

Fucking bastard this morning compared me to a Manatee-he knows I have Huge Body image problems and have an Eating disorder, couldnt even go out at christmas cause I felt I looked like a fucking ten ton mass of gelatinous crap!- this is what made me tell him it's over(it might seem petty to some people but Im not into being an insensitive Moron with people myself and dont need that shit in my life, its just on principle.) I actually forgive him too quickly, I know he's sick but am starting to think he isnt as sick as I make out, fucking Macho prick! Just praying to keep my strength up and never contact him again. Rather be somewhat balanced on my own than have this screwball take me down with him with his passive-aggressive shit!

Hey everyone, I'm a newbie, but have been a long time browser and I know there are a lot of very smart people out here. My predicament is this; I'm a disabled vet w/ a really bad back. I relied on oc's for quality of life for several years, now I find them worthless. I get bt meds(30mg oxy) but need a good er med. I'm on opana now and not impressed, have tried msconti, wasn't impressed. Any reccomendations, patch perhaps? Any suggestions would be great, and much appreciated, thank you and have a pain free day!