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So I recently got banned from using grasscity which I really enjoyed to use while I could. I've heard of Bluelight before but I've never given it a try until now. Can anybody catch me up about what this site is all about?

You only have to call the dealers when you need something, like always....

I'm surprised after 5 months of being clean and incognito the luurve is still there and they'll fucking pay for my flight home, no questions asked.

This is so fucked. Work is paying for this minibar, has to...

If reincarnation is true, can I come back as a snail?
no joke.
I wanna be a fucking snail.
why?
wherever a snail goes its always home.
never have to worry about where you're gonna crash
just stop trailing slime and hole up in a custom bachelor pad thats all your own.
that, and snails are never in a rush
they always have time to enjoy the scenery.
and the main causes for fear are birds and saltshakers?
I think I can handle that.




I think I'm gonna email that bitch Karma and tell her to get on that snail business. that would be the life I tell you whut.

Searching for a job is SOOO difficult. I just graduated from college - I would have thought it would be easier with a college diploma now! I just want to find some sort of job in the administrative field. For just a little over minimum wage! I'd be happy with only $2 over minimum wage! But can I find anything? Nope! The only job offer I get is working 15 hours a week at minimum wage. I can't afford to work there!

It's brutal!

Another month of job searching until I finally settle for a job at Tim Horton's or McDonalds or Walmart or *something* like that.

Even last year I managed to pull off an administrative job for the summer!!!!

Just what I need. Yet another text-box thought depository. I've been awake too long.
Put the fucking bulb down Bish, eat a sandwich, and go the fuck to bed before you start hallucinating again.

I figure this belongs in a blog entry and not on the forum, and I want people to read it and possibly glean info from it.

My background: white, female, 5'5", about 118 lbs, blonde shoulder-length hair. Got an offer for a job, then found out they do a hair test and a UA. Oh fffffuck. I was ready for a UA, but not this. Drug use history: occasional MDMA use (twice in the past 4.5 months), weekly pharmaceutical speed aka Adderall, and, stupidly used some cocaine cut to shit. Don't smoke weed.

The test was supposed to be in 3 weeks, so that gave me some time, but I was almost flat broke. So, I went and researched this on the internet. The "72 hours of hell" guy helped the most. I ordered Toxin Wash right away, and got the T-gel shampoo and a box of relaxer, and vinegar. So here is my routine:

Week 1: Panic, stress out, borrow money to buy Toxin Wash. Do the Mac method. The Mac method, as far as I understand, is supposed to dry out your hair hoping to get stuff from the outer section of the hair. Wash hair with Neutrogena T-gel shampoo, detergent, then shampoo every night.

Week 2: Realize the Mac method is stupid and it's 2011 and not 2001 anymore. Stop it. Keep washing hair with T-gel, detergent, T-gel every night. Buy relaxer. Put relaxer in hair, feel it stinging, get scared, wash it out after 5 minutes. Wash with T-gel shampoo, detergent, shampoo. Get tired and say fuck it for the day. Keep with T-gel routine for rest of the week. My hair still felt nice and soft after this, so I figured this is not enough. The relaxer here is to open up the hair cuticle permanently to allow the shampoo to go inside and wash out the drug residue.

Week 3: Buy relaxer again. 4 days before the test, put relaxer in hair again. Go play videogames. 18 minutes later (5 mins longer than recommended), my whole head has been stinging for 10 mins, I go and wash it out completely. Then wash head with T-gel shampoo, detergent, repeat those two again. Then wash twice with Toxin Wash. Get a haircut - 5 inches shorter. Next 4 days, shower every day and wash with Toxin Wash.

I didn't worry about any toxins seeping back into the hair so I didn't do any bs like buying new towels or pillowcases. My test was in another state so I didn't get a chance to shower that day before my flight, but whatever. The girl at the testing site was very nice, and cut off what felt like a ton of my hair. She said that sometimes they don't take enough and have to retest.

A week later, I got an e-mail from the job inviting me to come in.

For the past few months, I have been analyzing life. My life, and life in general. I went through a stage of mild/moderate depression. It sucked. I look back at who I used to be a year ago and I was confident and outgoing and loved to hang out with people. I didn't do any drugs besides marijuana and that was not often. I had a great group of friends who I loved hanging out with and it was always fun. I always felt comfortable around them. I loved to make people laugh. At the end of last summer, my two closest friends moved away. I kept in contact with one of them and we are still close today. The other one, not so much but I still visit her when I get the chance.

After they moved I went through a stoner stage. It started when I bought my own weed to share with friends. Then I smoked it by myself. I enjoyed it. Then I started smoking at school and enjoyed that. Then I started smoking at work and enjoyed that. Not long after I was smoking 24/7. It was fun, yes, but I think that it made me very shy and socially anxious. I was always shy as a kid and I feel that weed brought me back to those shy days. I no longer wanted to hang out with people. I was content by sitting at home, stoned, on the computer.

I live with my parents, and they are extremely conservative/religious. They believe drugs/alcohol are the devil (literally). My mom eventually found my stash and it was all downhill from there. Words can't describe how shitty I felt. My mom was so heartbroken. I still feel guilty about it. This was almost 6 months ago. I told her I would quit. She became so worried and anxious about me after that predicament. It really sucked to see my mom suffer emotionally because of me. I think I contributed to her depression (the other day she told me she wanted to die... but that's a different story). And she was still kind to me after that.

So after that I stopped staying out late, was always home, etc. My social life dwindled down to a couple of close acquaintances. I became quite depressed. For the past couple of months I've been seeing a counselor and reading self-help books and I've learned a lot about myself that I was previously denying. This was working well for me, however I started to become quite self-conscious, like all the time. I learned about self-awareness and I wanted to reach that point, but I think instead I became more self-conscious rather than self-aware. I became so shy and it was difficult for me to look people in the eye sometimes.

Thankfully, I am working on fixing that issue and tonight I felt like I had an epiphany. I was hanging out with a group of people. I know one of them well, but the other few not so much. I was pretty quiet at first but then I started to talk more and I was actually having a good time.

It made me realize that I am naturally shy when I'm around people I don't know. It's a part of my personality. I've been shy since childhood. It doesn't mean that I should be ashamed of it. I feel like I am starting to accept my shyness. I think accepting it will help with the social anxiety I experience.


End of rant.

so i DID go up the road to get my ''pick me up'' today and it WAS alot nicer than usual. i love how much easier it is to revive dopamine than seratonin. chucked a few 5-htp and some l-tyrosine anyway.

spent hours trying to find some MDMA and ketamine and in the end rememebelred that after drving practice this morning i had met a friend of mine who's friend, in turn, was selling ketmine and managed to pick up 5g for a very low price for which i got a very nice size because the man didn't have scales and so eyeballed me a pile.

where i live the general adolescant diet seems to be MDMA (actually quite nice quality funnily enough), ketamine (also top notch) and cannabis (doubtful). i've heard all over bluelight that ketamine and good MDMA are fairly hard to find in some area's and therefore have felt extremely privilaged that i apparently live in an area awash with both these essentials.

thank you god

just picked up a nice 1/4oz of speed. got some random cialis from my friend and have a laptop but unfortunatly have already satisfied my needs in the area of porn and have nothing to do.

facebook is sure to follow if i ever finish perusing bluelight decided to write on here as i feel obliged to keep this updated.

am looking forwards to mephedrone tomorrow and acid next week (which is strangely extremely decent dosage tabs) apparently some microdots may be being got aswell and some 2c-b. had some 2c-b pills a while back and was fairly impressed but not desperate to ever get more but my friend had a few hits of this guy's 2c-b powder and said it was brilliant so am wondering whether to take a look in. might do it with some ketamine.

dont really know what else to write about aside from my drugs life. am fed up of trying to diagnose myself for possible signs of psychosis as apparently it is common during amphetamine withdrawals (apparently its technically more of a rebound than a withdrawal) as well as binges so i wouldn't know for sure for a few months anyway.

maybe a girlfriend would calm me down lol but cannot raise any interest in that area of life

I 've been watching this site for a while. I'm trying to figure out how I allowed this mess to infiltrate my home... My family. I am not a weak woman. I've been with my man for a long time, and I get dizzy at his smell or touch. I cannot resist what seems so easy to others.
I just want a piece of his time... with me. I would not be involved with the stuff he brings home, otherwise. Please help me. I dont know what else to do. I want My Mark back. I need help, because I will do anything- Including what ever he brings home just to make sure I am with him and he doesn't have to go any where else. Please suggestions... Leaving[ is not one of them. Thank you, Sassy.

I want to

I love you and hate you always...it has been two months since we first met..I have only went a few days without you! I hope u can go, so I can sleep and live in the real world with reality ...I don't understand ur vapors are so bitter but good! I go go go fast when you are in me! Please let me go before we get to close ....I am such a weird o...lol life could be worse!!!

"Hello (name) speaking, how may I help you today?"

"Hi, I would like to discontinue my services"

"Okay, can I get the phone number and adress to confirm your account"

(information)

"Okay, we can't disconnect until we recieve full payment"

"Well you will recieve payment, I just don't want services anymore"

"Sorry we cannot disconnect you until we recieve full payment"

"So, what, are we going to get free services?"

"No, of course not, if we don't recieve full payment by monday then a diconnection will happen next week"

"Well that's what we WANT, we don't want services, we want to CUT our services"

"Sorry we can't cut services until we recieve full payment"

"but there's a disconnection order in place for next week?"

"yes ma'am"

"So why can't we just get disconnected on Monday?"

"Cause we need full payment before we can disconnect you"

"But you are disconnecting us next week?"

"If we don't recieve full payment by monday, yes"

"You see how much this whole conversation doesn't make the slightest sense?"

"It's simple, stop being a deadbeat and pay your bill instead of blowing your welfare on beer"

"excuse me?"

"Pay your bill and stop being a deadbeat welfare bum"

"(name) let me speak to your supervisor now please"

"No. We take credit card payments. would you like to pay your bill with me?"

"Uh no. After you being that rude I rather just speak to your supervisor"

"No. If you pay your bill now, your full services will be restored"

"I - do-NOT- want-your-services. Is that slow enough for you to understand?"

"Yes, but we cannot disconnect you until we recieve full payment"

**me hanging up**


((Head desk))

I did call back and reported him and DID get services cut BUT the tech. can't get here until sometime this coming week. The lady said she would email him and see if he can make it on monday but in the end its up to him. We know the tech that does this area and he's a nice guy, and he knows us too. So hopefully he'll come out on Monday.

We had to get a new number though, as Rogers won't release the number back to Bell until we pay the bill. The number was originally bell's.

Bah! Rogers sucks cruddy STD dick.

In a coupla ways....

I'm done with BL (TDS specifically).

If I start gettin' high again, I'll come back but right now I'm feeling like I'm seen as 'the enemy' because I quit the shit. This is a drug forum after all so, what the fuck am I doing here if I'm gonna be treated like an asshole? Not looking to join a 'recovery forum' like some jerkoff from Senior Staff pointed out. I fit in more here but 'my views' on complete abstinence make folks uncomfortable. I'm not that powerful, assholes. Some 40 year old bald dude isn't hurting anyone by telling them they can get treatment for fucking FREE and my presence wasn't that fucking strong

Fuck it... met some good people but all they really are/were was a coupla user names on my screen. Phony and superficial kindness helped when I needed it. Now I'm looking for something more real.

I deleted what posts I could but couldn't touch the archived ones. I dunno, man. For what its worth... it IS possible to put the shit down. It isn't easy but it can be done. No one wants to hear that, though. Fuck 'em. I'm sitting here with 8 months and 8 days of complete abstinence from all that shit and I can say that all the blood, sweat and tears that have been shed has been worth it.

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit salty but, once again, typing it out makes me feel a bit better.

I really felt a part of this thing here but its really all just a bunch of self-centered bullshit (including my own)

Can we have a thing where superfluously sarcastic Bluelighters carry around small tuning forks and make esoteric gestures with them in place of posting snarky, condescending comments in every thread they happen upon?

So wow, after a week this combination of antidepressants is so much better than buproprion and citalopram, and there is no sexual malaise. I also am still coming down from the citalopram in the sense that it still is in my system and it takes a while to go away. I tapered off the citalopram for a month before starting the mirtazapine.

I have been having really amazing dreams with lots of dream fulfillment, that is, I have been doing all sorts of things that I never did in real life.

The first night I took the mirtazapine I had a nightmare, but since then I haven't had any more nightmares just awesome dreams. I have been having sex with all sorts of girls, riding motorcycles, being a football quarterback, and travelling to exotic locales.

I recommend mirtazapine and buproprion to you who are on antidepressants for unipolar depression without mania.

In the Bronx I am staying in an apartment complex directly across from Bronx Superior Court, on Grand Concourse on the corner of E160 St. Because of its location it is relatively safe. I was getting undressed to take a nap at 4PM yesterday when I heard 3 loud booms. My friend's 82 year old mother began screaming at me to get away from the window. I laughed at her telling her that of anyone she knows I am probably the last person who wouldn't recognise gunshots, and THOSE were NOT gunshots.

About 25 minutes later sirens converged on the complex. The complex consists of 16 six story buildings which are all connected like townhouses, in the shape of a giant letter "U." Every 4 buildings flare out a bit to form courtyards. 4 meter tall iron barred fences don't allow free movement. There is a central walkway and then a side walkway into the 4 courtyards, 1 on each side of the complex and 2 at the far end.

The police roped off the main walkway and noone was allowed in or out. I was shocked, me, the man so sure of himself hadn't recognised 3 shots. Granted they were from a 357 Magnum revolver, and I don't have much experience around more than 38 caliber in terms of revolvers, and the acoustics in the complex are out of kilter but replaying it in my mind I still can't get over how I couldn't recognise them. My friend's mum somehow guessed correctly despite her having been laying in bed when it happened.

This morning (it is 834AM now, I am still on Philippine Time so it feels like 834PM) I went out to buy myself a sandwich and some juice. The police had posters up all over the place, finally having taken down the ropes sometime after midnite last night. Apparently some degenerate assholes entered the complex, saw a rival, pulled out a Magnum and blew half his arm off. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that even at night these courtyards are full of small children running around, jumping rope, and elderly folks sitting around gossiping. In fact, from my days living in the Bronx I can recall 2 cases where 6 year old girls died during similar shootings. As we say in the IDF, "Bullets done have names" (doesn't quite translate smoothly but you get the idea).

On Friday I had to go to my usual methadone clinic. US Customs allows US Citizens to import up to 400 US Dollars worth of medication IF the medication isn't on the US pharmocopiea. In other words, if a form of a particular substance is sold in America, you cannot import that same form by a non-American manufacturer. It is really a stupid rule, but they don't want to make it simple for obvious reasons. Each unit of medication has to be individually wrapped in original packaging with a current letter from a prescribing physician. Then, you can only bring in 30 days worth. Luckily I have morphine sulphate hypodermic tablets. They are tiny instant release tablets designed for oral administration but with the ability to be utilised as an injectionable should the need arise, like Knoll Dilaudids. You drop it in a bottlecap of water and instant dissolution. There is nothing like it on the US Market so I am able to safely import it at 9 grammes worth of 30 mg tablets. Never knowing how long I will stay when visiting I always get on methadone soon after arrival.

Morphine, Instant Release, needs to be re-dosed every 8 hours. It becomes mundane quickly and then downright tiresome. I appreciate being able to drink a tiny bottle of syrup once a day.

I went to the clinic after first ringing a Physician's Assistant I am friendly with to expedite my case. I arrived at 11AM and by 1130 was dosing at 220 mgs. and was given 6 take away bottles.

In New York they have changed the regulations, much to my pleasant suprise. Now, after 1 week you qualify for 2 times a week pick up, meaning that you need only go twice in a week to your clinic. Before it would take at least 9 months to get to that point.

In my own case I had last been here less than 6 months ago and so I qualify to simply resume my scheduale.

I found at as well that Buprenorphine is being re-assesed in the States. Not long ago there was a thread in CE and P about Opioid Substitution Therapy and I had remarked on Buprenorphine's metabolic ceiling of 24 mgs. A poster replied that in fact the ceiling is 32 mgs. I was taken aback but then found out that US treatment providers had begun going off label and prescribing dosages of 32 mgs based entirely upon the subjective opinions of their clients/patients. In the interim it was concluded by the powers that be that such clients/patients usually were diverting their extra dosages. So, it has been formally re-assesed and re-iterated at 24 mgs. Useful information.

I also wanted to get an up to date viral load. Personally speaking I was terrified over my blood work, not having had a thorough workup since my Interferon Treatment had failed.

To recall, when I began treatment my Hepatitis C (HCV) viral load was 79,000. 1 month after treatment began it had plummeted to 10,000 so that it was very sure that I was on the road to being cured. Then came my 90 day workup and it showed that my viral load had not only rebounded, it was an astounding 110,000. That meant the end of treatment...

I remember crying like a baby. I had come to the US just to get treated. I blamed the failure on my stress from Rizza. That was when she first ran away with her guy. Lately though, I have been having other thoughts. Shortly after arriving for treatment I gave 2 consecutive urines at the clinic. Both came up positive for illicit drugs. The first was cocaine, the 2nd morphine. Heroin isn't tested for because it has a 90 second half life. They test for metabolites. Anyway, I was clean as I always am when on methadone. I hadn't done cocaine since 1994. It turns out that the lab had at least 1 employee who just wrote whatever they felt like writing. It created lawsuits because of parolees who had been returned to prison for using illicit drugs.

So I began thinking a couple of days ago, what if they just threw an arbitrary number on my bloodwork? What if I had been nearly cured when treatment ceased? Friday came, I gave my bloodwork and found that not only was it well below 110,000, the load I supposedly had when treatment stopped, but it was below the load I had when treatment first began! I began with 79,000. My load on Friday was 74,000. All I can do is shake my head.

I was watching my youngest brother in law play with his rubberband collection. He lays them flat on the solar dryer, a huge concrete slab with concave furrows where we lay unhusked rice before loading into mechanical dryers. He slaps his hand atop a rubberband and it jumps a couple of centimeters up and over. He can do that for hours on end. Amidst the highlight of my day came a phone call from America...

One of my elder brothers had died of a heartattack minutes before. I am 1 of 11 kids and my father (unlike his own father) is not polygamous. All 11 are full siblings. Only 8 of us are left now.


The call came so quickly because we bury our dead before sundown. My brother, Eliyahu I (El-ee-yahoo) was 68 years old (I amm 44). He has a a Roman Numeral after his name because we have a custom...Most Jews in the US are Ashkenazi, meaning from Central and Eastern Europe. I am Mizrachi-Sephardi, meaning I have ancestors who lived in Spain (on both sides) but also have family who never left the Middle East. Ashkenszi Culture doesn't allow the naming of children after parents nor after any living family. Mizrachi-Sephardi have Generational Names like the Han Chinese. For example, in a generation each extended family must name 1 son a name that will be given to all 1st cousins. There are 9 Eliyahus in my brother's generation. I am Rachamim IV.

Getting the call I immediately called Butuan Airport to find the next Manila flight. I found it would be 10AM the next morning and so went about booking a seat, no easy task. The airline, Cebu Pacific, is one of the worst I have ever taken. To purchase a ticket you must use a credit card. I don't have credit cards. I only use Debit. Suprisingly Visa Debit isn't accepted, only Visa Credit is acceptable. After borrowing one of Rizza's aunt's credit cards I got my ticket. Another improbability is that credit cards are rarely applied for in the Philippines, at least in our neck of the woods. It doesn't matter because noone would accept them anyway, except Cebu Fucken' Pacific.

I went to the airport early in the morning, having our Chief Driver Mario take me.

Arriving in Makati, which is 1 of 17 cities composing Metro Manila and the city where both airports are located, I was met by Joysa who was missing me. We hopped in a taxi and I went to a travel agency I use when pressed for time and booked a flight for that night, 945PM.

Airlines offer Bereavment Fares but you can forget it if you are taking an international flight.

Joysa and I went out for an early supper and then I left her to go to the airport. It makes no sense to have her accompany me since only ticketed passengers can even enter the airport.

Landing at Kennedy I was met by a brother but of course my deceased brother was already in the ground. For direct relatives like spouses, parents, sibling or children we formally mourn for 7 days and on each anniversary of the death. We are still mourning, as they call it in English, "Sitting shiva." Adults rip their clothes, leave a large tub of water by the front door, barefoot, reading from the Book of Psalms.

Since I'm not adhering fully (I could not post if I were) I am staying with a friend in the South Bronx. I will probably spend another 10 days here before I go home.

Hallooo.
right i dont have a big pile of mephedrone, i have a small pile of mephedrone (maybe 700mg). have been on a serious amphetamine bin- .... i mean a period of responsible and modest amphetamine use to help me study in which scales were used to weigh out each dose and a 40 step research grade purification process undertaken. ok so this binge has been about 2-3 months long the night before last i was doing mdma as well as a small amount yesterday afternoon. oh and have been doing mephedrone on and off today.

taking into account all this and its implications on the availability of certain neurotransmitters, possible cross tolerance from amphetamines (?) and the fact that mephedrone isn't the purity it was, should i bosh the rest in half an hour? string it out into 100mg lines and not get high at all? divide it in half and do half now half in an hour or two? use it to kill slugs?

the decision is eating away at me whilst i come down, staring at that little white heap, glittering with tiny pin shaped shards. the all too familiar reasoning of ''mate whats the point of doing it over a longer period if you dont get high, just literally crack on with a nice 700mg belter up the trusty old left nostril'' versus ''you KNOW you'll regret it, powder it for max absorbtion and then do175 mg per hour in two lines, one up each nostril, then it'll last 4 hours.'' unfortunatly the first team always dives in with the old ''you'll regret it no matter what when you finish it, at least enjoy it''.


lets be honest

you always knew which side you were backing

Dark Chocolate - Raises Serotonin levels and dopamine levels
Tuna - Raises Serotonin levels
Turkey - Raises Serotonin levels
Cheese - Raises Sertonin Levels
Sour Cherries - Raises Serotonin levels + Melotonin , Helps you sleep. Reccomend taking after a Roll.



Also Sunlight Increases serotonin levels.

This can help after a good MDMA roll to lessen the effects of a comedown by far.
The dark chocolate raising your dopamine levels also appears to help your coordination and concentration too.



Sources: My 6th roll still felt like my first so i must be doing something right...
Also magnesium in red skinned peanuts could help on the jaw clenching

ahh i am finally awake, i did not know it was possible to sleep for more than 20 hours. i guess once in a whie continued lack of proper sleep just pounces on you and you drop where you stand.

this probably had something to do with the fact that i left my little bag of speedy goodness (badness?) at a friend's house after a night of ketamine use. (managed to polish off two grams, not sure whether i managed the hole though). now i am fighting the urge to go back to bed in favour of going to pick up more k and retrieving my base from up the road.

maybe the complete lack of any chemical use for two days has revived my braiin chemistry to a point where i might enjoy my *ahem* pick me up

So you don't want to hear about my good song?
And you don't want to hear about how i am getting on
With all the things that i can get done
The sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome
So you don't want to hear about my good day?
You have better things to do than to hear me say

God its been a lovely day! everything's been going my way
I took out the trash today and i'm on fire...

So you don't want to hear about my good friends?
You don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence
Success is in the eye of the beholder
And its looking even better over your cold shoulder

I'm not suggesting you get to line me up for questioning
But Jesus think about the bridges you are burning
And i'm betting
That even though you knew it from the start
You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/dresden-dolls-lyrics/good-day-lyrics.html )

So go ahead and talk about your bad day...
I want all the details of the pain and misery
That you are inflicting on the others
I consider them my sisters and I want their numbers

God its been a lovely day! everything's been going my way
I took up croquet today and i'm on fire

I picked up the pieces of my broken ego
I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
But i'd love to have you up to see the place
& i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....

Hey! its been a lovely day! everything's been going my way
I had so much fun today and i'm on fire
God it's been a lovely day everything's been going my way
Ever since you went away hey i'm on fire.....
I'm on fire...
I'm on fire...
So you don't want to hear about my good day?

Click to expand...

With every day
you pull away
a little bit more from me...

Not man enough to burn me right, cut us cleanly to spare yourself at least these purgatory fights... But you'd rather I just MANnequin cuz if I stay through your abuse, you think it's not a sin.

delete

For the past two or three years, I have just been getting the cold nonstop. Or something. I don't usually get the flu (maybe once a year?). But I have a cold like two or three times a month. And this has been going on for years.

It started getting really bad last summer. It was when I first started seeing my boyfriend and I'd work full time Mon-Fri and then I'd see him on the weekend (drive to his place on Friday and stay til Sunday) because he lived a while away from me and staying with him on the weekend was lots better than staying with my parents.

Anyway, I noticed then that I was always sick on the weekend. I would be tired and have no energy and sniffing and stuff. Now, we kissed and everything and he never got sick from me!

I did get tonsillitis last summer which results in me getting these antibiotics I think which resulted in me breaking out in a rash (covered my WHOLE body ... bottom of my feet, eyelids, ears, everything). Brutal. So I stopped taking them and took this steroid type medicine and for a while which helped the rash go away I guess.

My one idea is that the tonsillitis never went away. I don't know much about tonsillitis though or if that is even possible.

It's just, it's like, I'm always tired. I get the right amount of sleep, too much, too little ... doesn't matter. I'm always exhausted. It is really ruining my life. I just got another cold right now I think. I slept for like nine hours last night. I was up for like five hours and ready for bed again! It sucks.

If you say it's drugs, I want to say, I didn't start using drugs til November. And not a lot until January. This all started last May. While I'm sure drug use doesn't help, I am positive that it wasn't part of me starting to get sick.

I'm sure I could stop using drugs. BUT using MDMA or coke is one of the only times when I'm not tired and exhausted. I *can* go out and have a good time. And it's nice.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm always just so "bla". I want to *do* something with my life but I don't have the energy or motivation anymore. Well I haven't for a while. But I remember in high school, I had goals and stuff, and I was tired sometimes but I had energy too other times.

Ugh.

Another one of my many problems. I'm such a mess.

"Kiss her, for me."

There's only one 'M' difference between the meaning with a comma and a coma.

Coma white. Coma black. Cosi fan tutte.

The sly curvature of your lips is a breeding ground of little baby deceptions. I never knew you had so much maternal instinct, or that you had bastard children behind my back. Then I adjusted the focus on the lens and saw the devastation you are carefully planning.

If you could only talk to me like you weren't still 7 years old trying to pull one over on the babysitter, I might actually be able to believe the sentiments you attempt to project.

Say I stop smoking for a year and during that year you are just as apathetic as the last, yet I am engulfed in the stress of your cryogenesis and no matter how many cigarettes I don't smoke, your actions don't display even a fraction of the dedication that mine do on a daily basis. What will I have gained? Some better physical health while I drown in the loss of faith in male humanoids? I'd rather be productive consistently than throw a wrench in my life to have my leap of faith turn into a pitfall. I can't afford to give a fuck about us if you can't give a fuck to give a fuck about giving a fuck at all. I have made improvements in my productivity and decreased my smoking cigarettes but you are stuck up the rectum of a guy who also smokes yet you don't blame his smoking for your own problems do you? So why would you blame MY smoking cigs for your problems instead unless you're really just trying to project your mommy issues onto the nearest female who is compassionate/masochistic enough to listen?

Guess what? Cigarettes have never told me to fuk myself. They have never made me doubt my abilities or worth as an individual, nevermind as a woman. Cigs don't spend my money on bullshit and then get this psychotic jewyness about anything I want to buy for REAL LIFE NEEDS. Cigarettes don't make me feel insecure, and they don't abandon me. The only thing negative that cigarettes do is POTENTIALLY cause cancer, emphasema, and eventually possibly death but I'm a quality over quantity kind of person-- I'll take 60 years of productivity and calm over 90+ years of subjecting myself to emotional vulnerability ANY DAY OF THE FUCKING WEEK. And though I'm trying to quit smoking cigs so I can find the balance between losing faith in humanity and total nirvana, I can not accept a double standard of treating me like I'm trailer trash while I am at least TRYING to quit while you wipe your "Other" friend's asshole with your bare hand and an offer to lick his anus clean if he needs with a warm smile, ejaculating compassion onto his face-- and he doesn't even care to quit smoking and used the oldest most classic poser-in-denial excuse ALL weak people use who can't muster the testicular fortitude to face their problems, "If I wanted to quit, I could quit anytime, I just don't want to." ........Yeah I said that too, once... then I decided it's probably best not to lie to myself cuz I DON'T want to be a fucking douchey poser. Posers die alone, and I am not planning to make that a reality for my life, because:

I respect myself, and I highly recommend for your own sake that you start doing the same.