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Until I tried heroin and got hooked (so far for a few months), I was convinced that nothing would tear me down harder than xanax withdrawals did. maybe i spoke too soon.

Hmmmm
Better...better, i can love you better
Better..
I can love you better..
Somethings going on
i keep on thinkin bout you
everytime i hear a love song,
You on my mind all the time.

Its the way that you walkin,
the way that you talkin,
the way that you move so gracefull and smooth,
and every time you in my presence
i have slap myself,
oh my heart skips a beat
You make me wanna melt,
i even get nervous and i not the nervous type,
its really rare i find someone i like,
i get a funny feeling down below,
i hope you dont notice
i hope it doesn�t show,
i picture you undressed and turns me on,
keep it going strong I promise all night long,
however you wanna it, ill try anything,
ill whispher in your ear,
and ill even try to sing,
haha you probably wouldnt want me to do that,
but ill kiss you on your feet,
work my way up your back,
have a little shy date playin in the background, start on the bed work our way to the ground
OH.
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MMmn. Fuckin' Amazin

This woman i know is makin me melt, working her way to a place that's unknown.
What a feat. since im not the melting type.

she's real, she's awesome, we have so much in common its scary sometimes.


*sigh* haha what a trip. she's wonderful. I hope this thing we have works out.

letting it all go, not hiding behind a false presentation and just being me, what a difference has it made. I am happy. Happy with my freedom, not myself exactly.

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my seroquel isnt working, i fucking hate it.

I am thinking of asking about going on Lamictal....i dunno. Gonna look at some stuff and see what's out there and what seem to be working in the long haul.

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Today is 1yr since my dad died. I posted here the day he died, so I thought I should post one year later.

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I had pneumonia for a couple weeks and now I have a BADLY pulled muscle in my right leg, the calf muscle. fml.

After last week 3 straight days of exams n todays last one, its time to party the month long break woot!

I am in purgatory. A few months ago I wasn't necessarily having a good time, but I had a few months wages saved up, a nice car, and a job. I got complacent and decided that that would be a good time to try heroin for the first time. A few weeks later I was put on medical leave for having an overdose at work and my barely manageable pill had escalated into an all out war on my savings.

Now, just a few months later, I find myself still not finding another job and out of money. My car is not gone but a responsible relative of my gf's has taken over the payments and the car is now in her possession. I am borrowing an embarrassing piece of shit that is a total cop magnet, and the stress of having fallen so far after a promising start in 2006 is making my substance abuse problem really the centerpiece of my life rather than just the cute sideshow.

In the past two years I have been to an inpatient program twice and the emergency room more than seven times for very real overdoses (and it takes serious fear for me to go to the hospital. There are many times where I probably should have but didn't). Strangely enough, most of these incidents were not chronicled on Bluelight because my posts that let it out when I am feeling the impact of it all at once are painful to read. I get delirious and I am barely able to send a rational message, and my physical shape if you could see me during these times would make someone who has known me for my entire life want to cry.

I have borrowed so much money from every different person or entity that can be borrowed from. I am very sad because my life is very sad right now. The stagnation is killing me. The bipolar character who used to plague my blogs is turning into a worn down mess of pure depression.

What's almost as depressing is that I've found out that heroin overdoses are not a pleasant way to die. They are extremely frightening and give me seizures where my jaw shakes so much that I am worried I will bite my tongue off, and my back contorts into a tight shape that makes my muscles feel like they are intent on bursting themselves. So the obvious way out is no longer an option because of the very miserable prospect of having a painful, wide-awake seizure and a heart attack at the same time.

These are supposed to be my prime years. In fact, when I was younger, this year in particular (age 27) was one I fantasized about as that golden point where I had matured in a career to a great extent but still had that pre-30's youthful bravado and idealism. I like to think that I still have the right spirit inside, but without a solid career it is hard for me to feel like I have any worth or any sort of impressive future ahead of me.

Recently, I went ahead and renewed a license I have hardly had the motivation to use until now - an insurance sales license. pathetically enough, I don't have enough money to spend money on food for a week out of town at a required seminar despite all of the other accommodations being covered by the company I could potentially be working for, so I am having to put that on hold.

Here's where the real character building begins, and it is not something I am excited about: having to take a basic job such as waiting tables or worse in order to survive, when I have theoretically already passed this point 10 years ago when I started going to college and getting semi-relevant part-time jobs and summer internships. I look in the mirror now and react strongly to what must look like a combination of fear and humiliation to other people - qualities no one wants to see in their company in a 27 year old. I'm like a child, and even though I've always known this it was easier to legitimize in the past.

Jones .

Since I tried mushrooms, my anxiety has basically skyrocketed. I have always been anxious, mostly a social anxiety kind of thing. I know that mushrooms (along with other drugs) can bring out the anxiety. I am pretty positive that the mushrooms did it.

Anyway, I am always anxious about sex. I've been seeing my boyfriend for over a year (starting last May) and we've been having sex since then as well. I didn't try mushrooms until I think maybe December? Around that time.

Since then, our sex life has decreased. One of the reasons, I think, is that we are often always partying. We only see each other on weekends because of where we live. So he will come to my place on Friday, we'll go out Friday, sleep in on Saturday, maybe do something on Saturday afternoon, go out again Saturday night, or something like that. Anyway, it's just always nonstop! And I really don't want to have sex after a busy day. Or coming down off of drugs. I am just not in the mood for sex. He is the one that encourages the drugs - to be honest, I'm quite fine sober - I only do drugs sometimes. But he wants to party all weekend and get high and come home and have sex. I can't handle it all (even if I'm sober the whole time - heck that just makes me just as tired).

Anyway that's just the sex part. That's where I thought the sex problem was at the start but I don't think that's all of it.

The other thing is that I'm super anxious all the time. And so I will be anxious all the time about who knows what. And I won't be able to have sex because I'm worried and I just don't have a sex drive. Also, when I get anxious, I need to pee. So I'm *always* needing to pee which is embarrassing (I feel awkward going to the washroom all the time) and I dunno, it just is weird.

So now our sex life is not going so great. We have sex like once in a weekend and we usually see each other whole weekend. Last weekend we didn't have sex at all!

He thinks it is my fault but I think it is his fault. He says I just never want sex. I say I do want sex but when he keeps me so busy I can't handle it anymore. I can't do all the drugs that he does. When I do drugs, I get too fucked up and can't have sex anyway. When I don't and he does and still wants to party, I'm too tired. It's not that I don't want to. But if we had sex before, or we got some sleep, or something ... maybe it would be okay. Oh and like when we come home at like 7 in the morning, I can't sleep in that much, I can't sleep much past 11 or 12, so I don't get much sleep that night and therefore am less awake.

Well, this is just a bunch of rambling, not very interesting. I dunno. I guess I will have to just see how this weekend goes. I am trying to convince him to stay sober this weekend (well with the exception of weed). I dunno. I guess I'll see how it goes.

(Oh by the way I do love him like crazy but sometimes we are both stubborn and I'm sure we just need to talk about it and figure things out)

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Yohimbe bark
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Pygeum bark
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have been in a state for the past two weekends, i feel ketamine use may be getting out of hand

after my consumption topped 2 grams a day, and after one particularly heavy night my stomach began to spasm with unimaginable pain. more pain than i can remember having been dealt in such a short space of time. this eventually subsided over a day or so (which i spent asleep). apparently restarting ketamine use a few days later coupled with amphetamine ingestion wasn't a good idea

severy spasms, much co-codamol and a other perscriptioned rubbish later, i have recovered but have been stir crazy in bed all weekend so broke out the speed this afternoon so am getting along nicely apart from the fact that its pretty much all gone.

unfortunatly have not slept and have a driving lesson in a few hours, ah well.

Hello

Has anyone been to the website zz1supplier.com? Just looking to see if anyone has used it and if the supplier is legit?

test+subject descriptions:

• test+subject+CC0045 {jill} - adult female, 180lbs
• test+subject+3D3D3D {jack} - adult male, 185lbs

ingredients:

• molly's plant food {mpf} (mephedrone, methylone, unknowns) - (2) 300mg gel caps
  
  
  
  
• blue lotus xanax bars {blxb} (blue lotus, unknowns) - (6) 2mg bars
  
  
  
  
• rapid action 2-way energizers {ra2e} (methylhexanamine, other known ingredients found in OTC stims) - (1) 200mg tablet
  
  
  

the set up:
obtained mpf and blxb for experimentation. test+subject+CC0045 (jill) and test+subject+3D3D3D (jack) were naive to these compounds. both test+subjects have had experience wtih ra2e with no ill effects.

timeline:

• 5:45pm - jack and jill orally ingested 150mg mpf (capsules were broken open and amounts were eyeballed). jill had last eaten approximately 1.5 hrs earlier and jack ate a small meal while taking mpf.
• 6:15pm - jack reported starting feel something, jill noticed his pupils were huge. said he felt pretty comfortable and warm, slightly elevated heartbeat but not speedy.
• 6:45pm - jill still felt nothing except maybe some placebo tingles and jingles. jack reported that he felt great but was drifting in and out the feeling.
• 7:00pm - each took the remaining 150mg mpf. jack reported that walking was weird, legs were heavy. jill still felt nothing, but it occurred to her that 40mg prozac daily may be causing some interferrence.
• 7:25pm - jack reported feeling "super good, sweaty and tingly." jill observed that jack seemed to enjoy touching his hands and head. jill still felt nothing except increased perspiration.
• 8:50pm - jill still felt nothing compared to jack, but did notice a slight mood elevation (nothing remarkable, just nice - possibly placebo), eyes not dialated, heartbeat was slightly elevated, legs felt warm - overall positive but not worth the price. jack still had very dilated eyes, still felt good but reported that he was starting to come down.
• 9:00pm - jack orally ingested 1mg blxb while jill orally ingested 2mg blxb and 100mg ra2e (1/2 a tablet), because she reported looking for something that the evening hadnt given her yet.
• 9:30pm - jack reported more comedown but still felt a small glow of good. jill reported some head tingles, slightly racy heartbeat. she wondered if the ra2e could somehow potentiate the mpf (since they can both be speedy...). no problems yet.
• 10:00pm - jill reported feeling good, relaxed mentally but speedy physically. jack decided to orally ingest the other half (100mg) ra2e.
• 10:15pm - jill orally ingested another 2mg blxb and jack orally ingested another 1mg blxb.
• 11:00pm - they walked to mcD's for some grub. jill reported being very hot and had no appetite at all, her legs felt really heavy. jack reported being pretty hungry and feeling almost at baseline (unsure of blxb effects).
• 12:00am - jill reported seeing some cool light trails when playing around with some glowsticks (bought just in case) but she couldn't remember if that happens when she is sober as well. jack and jill decided to eat the remaining blxb, so they each orally ingest another 3mg.
• 1:00am - test subjects reported that glowstick play was awesome but unsure what could have caused it, further investigation is needed.
• 2:15am - the experiment was ended as all the ingredients were gone. settled in to watch a movie.
• 3:15am - jack was snoring on the couch but jill reported being wide awake. not fidgety, just awake. kinda tired but cannot fall asleep. when she closed her eyes to try to sleep, jill would have these vivid images play on her eyelids that felt as if they were really happening. then she would open her eyes and find that none of that had actually occured.
• 4:00am - jill reported orally ingesting 50mg doxylamine succinate to try and help her sleep. she woke up jack and they went to the bedroom to lay down. jack immeditely fell asleep again. jill laid in bed, eyes closed, having vivid dream/not dream experiences. for example, she felt at one point she had been engaged in deep conversation with jack only to open her eyes and see that he was still snoring. this went on for a few hours before she finally fell into a light sleep.
• 9:00am - jill reported that she woke up unable to sleep more. not groggy or feeling hungover in any way but she was way more awake and alert than is typical for 9am on a Saturday morning.
• 1:00pm - jack woke up, reported that his body felt tired and he felt lethargic. he said he slept quite well but his memory of last night is hazy.

conclusions:

• mpf is fun and totally worth it (if you aren't on prozac).
• blxb will have to be tried again solo to see if it has any effects from baseline.
• test+subjects would do again.

I have written in this damn box like 4 fucking times, long posts on how fucking angry i am, how fucking pathetic I feel, how fucking used and abused i feel, how i feel like a fucking inconvience in fucking life to everyone. A long fucking post, really they were. Everytime I go to post my fucking internet fucking dies, so fuck it.

I am so sick of fucking crying about it all, so fucking sick of be angry all the fucking time, so fucking tired of fucking everything.

Maybe I'll just get into his pill stash and swallow em all and fuck you all. Maybe I'll just stick on 4 fent patches too. who the fuck would care really? no one.

Just one big fucking inconvience, one big fucking burden, just a fucking pathetic person who is nothing but a worthless fucking emo girl that means fuck all to anyone.

Just some kind of cum dumpster, some kind of fuck and use and abuse or just fucking ignore. I'm just some fucking fucked up idiot who has done stupid fucking shit and is a worthless fucking welfare case. HELL i can't even call myself a welfare case cause even THEY don't want me, and no fucking job wants me. Yeah I'm such a fucking win at life.

Just a fucking waste of space.

Its always fucking roundabout with fucking EVERYONE.....

YOU LIKE ME, YOU HATE ME
YOU LOVE ME, YOU HATE ME
YOU LOVE ME, YOU IGNORE ME
YOU LOVE ME, YOU YELL AT ME
YOU LIKE ME, IM A FUCKING ANOYANCE

why do I fucking even bother with anything? why?! someone fucking tell me why!

You don't like me, just fucking tell me and that'll be it. Don't fucking like me, love me, make me love you then just pull a 360 and don't give a fuck.

Fuck you T, fuck you big time. No I don't love you. No you don't love me, I am just something that you settled for because you thought you couldn;t do any better..... don;t fucking forget that.

No one fucking loves me, don't fucking pretend motherfuckers cause it just fucking annoys me.

I am so sick of the anger, it has made me bitter now. You fucking love that though dont you? I am now just some bitter old hag that ain't worth a shit.

Yeah, I'm just some whore. You know it takes FUCKING to be a whore, but you believe what you want. Don't fucking lie and say you don;t fucking think I am a whore, I can see it all the time. I'm not fucking stupid.

Oh wait, apparently I am.

Why would I think that anyone gave a shit....

I could be bawling, on my knees at your feet bawling, begging just to be held, just to fucking feel wanted to feel like something after being so totally fucking ruined in life and no one gives a shit.

Hell my fucking kids don't even fucking care, they fucking said so themselves.

The person that i was fucking hoping to fucking care just a little *laughs hystarically*. Yeah ok. How can someone care when they won't even TOUCH you.

There is so much I wanna say on that matter but I don't want to cry anymore.

Fuck you all. Fuck everything. No more fucking giving a shit.

I no longer believe fuck all, more so when you say you love me and don;t fucking mean it. How fucking nice really.

I don't believe in LOVE anymore.
I don't believe in Friends anymore.
I don;t believe in Family anymore.

Fuck it all.

No this is not all about YOU, its not about ANYONE but ME.

Maybe I'll just go chew up all T's pills, there's enough to kill a 3rd world country in my kitchen.

Maybe I'll just stick 4 fent. patches on and just say fuck the world.

yeah....maybe....

so i was trying to get my hands on some acid- friend didnt come thru so i decided to take the molly and white elephant i had lying around for so long

I hadn't rolled in 3 months and have only done single pills with a weight about 230 and height of 5'7
So this Molly + white elephant (super clean! (caffeine b/c by the time we got there i was tired a/f)) would be my biggest dose

Snook the pills in my sock, they thoroughly checked our upper and lower bodies upon entrance, I saw a cop with a dog and got a bit nervous, thinking it would sniff me out so i hurried upon entrance, it didnt .

I went over to the bathroom and went into one of the rooms, unzipped my pants (in case theres cameras) and reached down to get the molly from my sock.

I popped it then and there. Didn't uncap it or anything.

So about an hour and 15 minutes in the space mountain line i begin to feel slightly different, it was around 1:30 am and i knew we would leave at around 6 AM the next morning. I popped the white elephant.

Space mountain came and i had minor effects, coming off the ride and the flash from the picture blinding me definitely was a good sign for me. The lights didn't seem like just lights when i was inside, not to mention the colorful tunnel u go through, was wonderful but wasn't rolling as hard as i hoped just yet.

I abandon my friends for some other friends and head over to the dance floor, at this point im sweating quite a bit and begin to dance - making the situation worse, but hell, i was happy as f. The Graduation 'Explosion' Event happens and im near a personal heaven, all i need a cute girl at my side, unfortunately i didn't see one of my female friends there

Its over and IM ROLLING TITS, people ask me if i got any beans to sell (there are undercover cops, many people got arrested/sent home so BEWARE!!) I told them no, that i had already popped them all (wtf, stupid i know,lol)

So the night goes on and im just walking around in a confused daze of utter bliss, i start asking girls if they want to dance- i got REJECTED EVERY TIME, it ain't cuz im that ugly or nothing but i think i smelled like shit from all the sweating, antiperspirant next time!

Eventually i told some other friends i came across that i was gunna try to get at a fat ugly girl. She was with a mob of other cute girls, i tapped the fat girl on the shoulder that was barely moving and said
"You look a bit bored, Care for a Dance?"
The leader of the group is a complete bitch and tells me that shes her girlfriend and that theyre all lesbians in a rude manner (what if i was really getting at that fat girl?)
I just said "Like that?" with the shitty attention span i had and walked away.
I tend to block out negativity when im rolling.

I came across a small group of people that were really cool, there was a guy being pressured to dance in the middle and sure enough with my chanting of something close to his name- he did

I was up thereafter, i shouldve stayed with those people, instead i wandered off

Got a light show and Kept Being Super Happy

Soon enough time was up- grad night was over! I couldn't believe how fast the last 4 hours past with me dancing and trying to pick up girls.

I went on the bus smelling like shit- getting bitched at but i was STILL rolling a bit. Got home at 7:40AM and my pupils are still pretty large, even now as i type this!!
Not sleepy at all and ready to fuck shit up tonight and tomorrow night (no more mdma for at least a month!)

Anyway The friends i left turned out to have a pretty bad time, so glad i wandered off on my own, perfect night would've been if i didnt smell like shit but i wouldn't change anything other than that for anything.

Stay Safe My Friends!!!!!!!!

Peace
Love
Unity
Respect

i recently stepped down as a bluelight admin. very tough decision as i feel i'm nowhere near done with the work i can do here.

some of the haters have posted lies about my departure but the truth is a lot less interesting than the nonsense they have fabricated.

the fact is that i've not been happy with the quality or the quantity of my contribution for a while now. with the move to new york, i'm going to have even less time for a few months and, while i feel i still have work to do as a bl admin, it didn't seem fair to keep the title if i wasn't contributing.

i'm moving to new york. you can follow my progress at my (off-site) blog: http://alimanson.blogspot.com

alasdair

I'm thinking about quitting my job and focusing solely on finding new and innovative ways to distribute funny pictures of cats, because that's where the money is.

I feel you were there & had a hand in the divine intervention that occurred. Thank you, Tammie. I still love & think of you daily.

Its weird, because for most of my life I didnt believe in love. I didn't see it or feel it, I didn't want it or deny it, I simply did not conceive the concept or idea of it.

It was last year that I first got a glimpse of it for the first time. I met a girl, and she was the most amazing girl I had ever met. I loved her, I really did, but she didn't love me. It was a one way street. The feeling was horrible when she told me she didn't feel the same, and my world began to spiral downwards. I felt worse than I did in my whole life. I pretended I was OK, I told people I was, I smiled and laughed when I really didn't want to.

I got over her, I wrote letter after letter, which I never sent to her, and after reading all of them, I realized... fuck that bitch. Yeah she is a nice girl, with an honest heart and good intentions, and yeah maybe im just not her type or whatever. But seriously... fuck her. She fucked me over, she knew
I was falling for her, she knew how I felt, yet she strung me along because she loved all the things I did for her, the way I treated her, the way I made her feel. She fucked me, then avoided me for a month only to never be the same again.


But this girl... this girl I met about 5 months ago, whom at first I didn't really pay that much attention to, has got me all flustered and has my heart beating faster just thinking about her. Shes amazing in every way. Shes everything I want in a girl and more. Not only is she intelligent, funny, caring, and any other awesome trait you can think of, but she is the most beautiful girl I have ever met. I look at her and... words cannot even begin to describe her... whether its her amazing eyes that change colour, her distinctively blonde hair or the most awesome body i've ever known.. it all just, turns me on so fucking much.


We have been hanging out for the last 3 or 4 weeks regularly, probably every 2nd day if not more, and yet unlike other people, especially girls, I just never get sick of her. We hung out for 4 days strait last week and... I still enjoyed her company as much as I did the first day if not more.


Had sex for the first time with her last week, and it was truly amazing. We've done it a few times since and each time it just gets better and more intense. I dont think I've ever had sex like this with anyone else.

And its funny, because everytime we spooned before we started having sex, I never ever could get an erection. Like I mean, she is so hot, and her body is so good, and I could just not get it up with her, until she kissed me for the first time. And since then, my libido has come back. Its like I knew subconsciously that she was not just a piece of meat like all the other girls, but that she was something different, something special, and that I wanted to love her, not fuck her.

She does so many amazing things for me and always makes me feel good about who I am as a person. It's all been honest too, and I havnt lied to her once. I see no need, and no reason too. This is one of the things I love the most about her - That she accepts and appreciates, me for who I truly am.

I'm truly attached, and I'm loving it. I'm loving her, and I'm loving love.

Some people are so un-knowledgeable about drugs. And it seriously drives me crazy. I mean both drug users and non drug users.

I research what I'm putting into my body, I test my stuff, and I know where it's coming from. I will *very rarely* just put random stuff into my body (I did a couple times in the beginning but I have learned from that!).

People who have been using for much longer than I do are fine with doing three caps of mdma in a night, two nights a week, every weekend. Seriously? I don't know how they have managed to do this for years!!!

And I have a friend who mixes GHB and Ketamine which everyone who uses either SHOULD know that they make you g-out way too quickly. We are always having to look after him and it's just plain annoying! Even though he's been using much longer than I have, I told him to stop doing that after he g-ed out for the first time. I told him to stick to one per night, either G or K, but not both. Next time we're out, he does both again! Annoying.

Some drug users are completely ignorant about any drugs they don't use. You know what, I don't know anything about opiates. Or heroin. I've never used them. But I don't just go by the myths. There is this girl who used to be addicted to heroin, now she does mdma, coke, and ghb from time to time. She's been telling me all these myths about acid which is, to be honest, a lot safer than her drugs. Only a mental risk and only if you do large doses or something.

I hate having discussions with non drug users. A friend of mine was telling me that mdma and ecstasy were the exact same thing. I tried to explain that no, mdma was powder in capsules and ecstasy was a pressed pill and nooo he went onto wikipedia and believed that! Obviously wikipedia is true. The thing is, he's a really smart guy but he just doesn't believes all these myths about drugs. He also likes to go out and get so drunk that he pukes. Yeah, I'm the "bad" one.

And my sister continuously tells me how weed kills brain cells. Yeah, okay, like that has been disproved sooo long ago!!

I hate people who think they know everything. Like seriously, if I don't know something, I will just admit it. I'm not going to try to lecture you on opiates because I don't know anything about them. Or even another subject. I'm not going to pretend I know everything about basketball because I know nothing about it! So I will just admit that I don't know it.

I really wish I knew a way to give these people the truth ... to get rid of these myths ... if anyone has any ideas please tell me!

So last year I committed myself to the EMT program at the school I was attending. I ended up dropping the program because I thought it was something that I didn't want to do. I've been putting a lot of thought into it lately and I've come to the decision that the only reason that I didn't feel right in the program was because I was too drugged up to comprehend the things going on in school. That had some pretty overwhelming effects on me and made me think I didn't want to do it anymore.

A recent decision to abstain from drugs for an extended period of time has brought me some mental clarity and re-inspired me to become an EMT again, and later on become a Paramedic.

This is really just me babbling a lot, but the main point is that I feel motivated again, and god damnit, it feels great.

Continued...

It is more or less 630AM on a Sunday morning. I hate Sundays. Rather, I hate Sundays IN AMERICA. In Israel it is a regular day for us. We go to school, work and so on. Friday is a half day where as Saturday is a day off for us. Counter-intuitively it is Saturday Night that is our big night on the town despite having to go to work the following morning.

A lot of people cannot understand the difference between "Jewish Ethnicity" and "Jewish Religion." Israel is a secular nation. Yet compromises have been made in order to reach a working relationship with the Jewish Religion. Prior to WWII most religious Jews absolutely hated Zionism which had been constructed by Atheists and to a much lesser extent, Agnostics. To come to this accord the Zionists agreed to place the Civil Justice System in the hands of each religious community. If you are an Israeli Catholic you MUST marry in the Catholic Church. Likewise a Bahai must allow the Bahai to run his or her life, at least in the civil sphere. If one is a Jewish Atheist they must still allow a rabbi to have a certain amount of control over their personal life. If you are really principled you can take a ferry to Cyprus, or Turkey...or even fucken' Italy and get married there by anyone you choose and the State will recognise it. It isn't a perfect system but thus far it has worked for us.

I was 16 when I went into the military. If you want to be technical I was actually 13, because my school was what we call a "Hesder." It was a religious school run by the military and specialised in Infantry. However, the military was still in transition. Up to that point there had been no accomodations made between the religious demographic and the IDF. The Hesder System was a way in which the 2 sides sought to make that first accomodation. Still, the only boys in Hesder were "At Risk Youth," like myself.

Why was I at risk? Here in New York, where I was born and where I spent most of my first 12 years I was running the streets. At the time 50 Cents took you all over the city. Bus Transfers, slips of tissue-like paper were good for several hours and took you all throughout this huge city. The subways? This was the birth of Hip Hop as well as THE birthplace. Graffiti on trains, dance, music, it was incredibly vibrant. All the more for a kid like me, growing up in a huge extended family of very traditional Jews.

Just about all my friends were Black or Puerto Rican. It is funny actually. In sending me from Brooklyn to the South Bronx my father thought he was saving me from that street environment. Of course my father never understood America.

My father came to the US after he fought in the Suez War, against Egypt. At the time, and up until the late 1980s the US Military allowed foreigners to enlist and then gave them a Green Card. My father joined the US Navy. He spoke no English but by the time he finished shoveling snow at Great Lakes, near Chicago, he was well versed in slang and so was sent around the world on 2 Aircraft Carriers,"Intrepid" and "Independence." During the Cuban Missile Crisis he was dug in on shore around Guantanamo but that was as close as he got to repeating his wartime experiences in Israel.

My father came to America in 1957, leaving my mum back in Bat Yam, my hometown in Israel. The 2 had met right after WWII when my father was 16 and my mum 15 and married almost immediately after they met.

My mum is from a place called Trans-D'niester, a spit of land between Moldova and Russia. Until the late 19th Century it belonged to Turkey, just as pre-Statehood Israel did. Therefore she and my father spoke the same language, Ladino. It is a Jewish Language based upon 16th Century Castillian Spanish, Arabic and Hebrew.

The Holocaust came, killed most of her family and when it ended she had survived by being whored. As such she wasn't facing many marriage prospects when she was released from British run Refugee Camps in Mandate Palestine.

My father's father was murdered when my father was less than 1 year old, in 1929. Later he had drifted into a militant group and ended up in a British prison towards the end of WWII for stealing British ammunition. After the War ended he knew a new war was coming and so he sought to make a family so he might leave behind a son if killed. Through a matchmaker he entered into an Arranged Marriage with my mum.

More than one son came, as did more than one war and by early 1957 my father had enlisted in the US Navy and gone to America.

In 1964 he brought my mum and brothers over. Still, we lived an entirely insular life. The Syrian Jewish Community (Jews from pre-Statehood Israel, Lebanon AND Syria) is centered in a very small area of Brooklyn. The first members moved there in the early 1930s along with another branch in Buenos Aries, Argentina. In America the largest number of Jews arrived between 1885 and 1915, after which the put in a strict quota system to stop us from coming. By the 1930s Jews could see that the children, and even grandchildren of that mass influx had assimilated at an incredibly high rate.

Worried, they Syrian Jews came up with a unique solution. The rabbis and elders of the community issued what we call, "The Edict," 1 in Argentina and 1 in New York City. The edict stated that not only could noone marry a non-Jew who converted, they couldn't even marry a Jew from outside our community unless their geneaology passed muster for 7 previous generations. Anyone violating the edict is considered dead, mourned for a week and then never referred to again.

There was a case in 2004 when a man in New York married a convert and had the conversion performed by 1 of Israel's 2 Chief Rabbis. They considered the man dead and he fought back, taking the case to the Chief Rabbi. The Chief Rabbi then came to NY and argued the case and was told to fuck off hahaha.

In my mum's case, though her geneaology is solid it didn't matter either way. It only matters if a resident of the community marries a non-Syrian Jew. My mum coming from Mandate Palestine qualifies as a Syrian Jew.

In my case, with Rizza, I never brought her into the community, nor could I. I do agree with the edict for a very simple reason: Nearly 80 years old, both Argentina and New York's Syrian Jewish Communities have nearly Zero assimiliation versus 64% for American Jews as a whole. You can't argue with math.

We place no respect in individualism, it is all for the collective.

Back to me...wonderful me...So I entered the Army officially at age 16. By the time I re-deployed from my first post, a firebase on Mt.Hermon, they had beat the religiosity out of me hahaha. In those days they actually beat us. It isn't as bad as Russia where 17,000 recruits die in hazing each year. 17,000 is larger than most armies!

More spontaneous trains of thought to follow...or maybe not since it is time to take my 220 mgs after which my thoughts aren't worth a shit. Ciao...

Well the mourning period for my brother is over and still I remain in the States. I can rationalise it as the desire to find a cheaper return fare to Manila but the truth of the matter is that I always fall into a sort of anti-routine when in New York City.

The city I knew as a younger man is dead and buried. Open air drug markets where people of every "race" and class stood shoulder to shoulder impatiently waiting to buy heroin and cocaine in standardised packages that would make any Fortune 500 Marketing Rep green with envy...The snow white powders that were so uniformly packaged as to be safe to use after 5 years sober are gone forever, as are the days of quinine and Bonita (lactose).

One thing that has stayed the same, amazingly, is the New York Justice System's attitude towards these substances. New York City remains the only place in the Western Hemisphere where possession of heroin and cocaine are Misdemeanour Offences. If you don't rack up 3 arrests in a 6 month period you will merely be fined. Should you walk across the bridge to New Jersey you can get as much as 10 years in prison for that same offence, though usually you face only 3 to 5 years.

It is extremely rare to be able to point to a specific time in trying to pinpoint change. In New York City's case it all went bad when that closet Nazi, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani decided to target misdemeanour offences as the way in which to gain a handle on New York's famously high crime rate...1997 .

A Transit Police tactician had instituted the drive against Fare Beating (people evading the subway train and bus fare) as way in which to lower violent crime rates throughout the huge transit system. The plan worked on the premise that most violent criminals live prolifically illegal lifestyles. The same geniuses packing automatic pistols are ALSO the scientists who wait for a train to pull into a station and then quickly hop over the turnstiles as they seek to save that precious 75 Cents (the cost at the time,today it is US2.25). One would think that common sense dictates that someone carrying a pistol would be intelligent enough to pay the paltry loose change needed for the fare. Coomon sense doesn't rate too high on most criminals intellectual inventory.

When the Transit Police began actually targeting Fare Beating the gun collars went up in a parallel trend. More importantly, violent crime went down at a parallel rate.

Here to fore New York City's regular police force didn't touch drug possession cases. There was a specific unit, "TNT" (Tactical Narcotics Taskforce) that handled those and only did so on Tuesdays and Thursdays in very specific areas. Weeks before a 5 square block area was targeted its movers and shakers as well as its junkies knew it was time to find their fun elsewhere. Still, amazingly, there were always people desperate to buy and sell in targeted areas as they tried capitalising on the lack of competition. Customers were usually provided by people from outside the neighbourhood or those who only bought drugs sporadically. TNT would swoop down, fill a police stepvan and cart them off in lots of 36. All but the most habitual arrestees would then be released by a Court System obsessed with numbers as opposed to actual, tangible results.

Enter the benevolent dictator, Guiliani;

Taking the Tranist Police tactician he asked the man to formulate a blueprint that would be applicable over the entire city. Where as before police wouldn't even look at you unless you were absolutely brazen and used in front of them, now anyone even suspected of possessing was stopped and frisked (physically searched). Likewise they took aim at so called "Quality of Life" crimes. Drinking in public, even with a paper bag covering the container got you an arrest. An arrest got you a trip through the City Justice System, not a simple "Catch and Release" with a Ticket as had been the case before.

Before long the violent crime rate showed very marked results. When, by 1998, these results showed sustainability New York City began to attract real investment. Before 1997 people fled the city. Neighbourhoods dried up, gentrification was a dream, and corporate attention wasn't realised even with extremely dynamic tax incentives.

By 2000 New York City was an entirely different city. Huge ghettos became chic neighbourhhods, like DUMBO and the Lower East Side. Today even the South Bronx is filled with young, white families. It really is an amazing transformation...and I fucken hate it!

To be continued...

hello! im new to this but i just have something i need some advice on...
So for the past few months i have taking adderall (not prescribed) pretty much every day.. at first it was just once in awhile but i just fell in love with the way it made me feel.. i actually had motivation to get things done and to go to work. But after awhile i started to experience what i imagine to be withdrawl symptoms when i did not take it. I have refused to believe that i had become addicted.. but the reality is that i am. I want so badly to stop!
My boyfriend is highly against pills andi have managed to somehow hide this from him for this long, but i feel terrible. When i run out of my supply and stop taking them, i feel like complete crap! I feel extremely tired, non-motiavated, sick to my stomach, my head hurts, and i am just so ready to stop for good. Its to the point where taking them honestly doesnt even make me feel good anymore, it doesnt give me the jolt of energy or speediness that it used to.. it just gets me through the day feeling somewhat normal.
What i want to know is if there is anyone out there who has gone through this.. the only blogs i can find about people withdraweling from adderall are from people who have been prescribed them and want to stop. I am abusing this drug and i know there are others who are doing the same. I just need help getting through this. I have NEVER messed around with any drugs before and the thought of being addicted to something kills me. Im not that kind of person and i never meant for this to happen..
Is there any ways to help with the withdrawl? Is there anything i can take to take the edge off?
Im not sure if there is anyway other than to just get through it... but i wonder, how long should it take to stop feeling like crap after i stop taking them for good? Since i dont get prescribed them its not really an option to cut my dosage in half..
Please if there is anyone out there who is or has gone through what im going through, i would really appreciate a response.. i have no one to talk to about this, so anything at all would be helpful.
Thank you

Yeah, don't really know how to describe this one.

Anyway, I'm back in the loving arms of Mistress Somniferum. Had to be done or I'd be popping benzos right now beyond three weeks. I've discovered I have a psychological addiction to those little (usually) dark colored pills of stupor and sometimes euphoria. No grand-mal seizures for me, thanks. Though I have lots of Phenazepam dissolved in bottles of ethanol for tapering if it comes to it, that particular benzo has ZERO recreational value thankfully. Just the demonized one I'll call Flu for short, and the common one Alprazolam. I got a mixture of others but I don't particularly care for them. Clonazepam sublingual tablets are good for moments of extreme stress but not recreation.

I have Social Anxiety Disorder, so sometimes shit happens at the last minute and those sublingual benzos are lifesavers. Nice mid-range non-intoxicating dose just to "take the edge off."

You know it's interesting. When my brain and body is filled with the endorphin-like opiates I get extremely expressive in many ways in the area of creativity. I don't quite get it but yeah. Pod tea is an anxiolytic, anti-depressant, and for me a creativity booster. My self-esteem, mood, confidence, etc are all inflated for a long duration. In retrospect I became a psychological addict the first time I used poppy SEED tea.

It would be unfair to not describe the negative impact of opiates. I get hiccups every damn time I swallow something and this lasts for two days. Digestive issues though those aren't too bad and I mitigate them with sugar-free candy which acts as a potent stool softener in high amounts. And it's a pain in the ass preparing it -- but this is a deterrent from regular use so it's a blessing in disguise perhaps. I also hate the drymouth. Never fails no matter how much I hydrate I wake up with drymouth like no other drug gives. I sometimes get excessive histamine release but I actually enjoy the itch so I don't consider it a negative.

So it turns out I have 2 drugs of choice. I would swear by it months ago it'd be just opiates/opioids but now its benzos too. Thankfully the former kills off cravings for the latter. Really, benzos would be a waste on opiates I potentiate them enough as it is, and I think GABA agonization would dirty my long session with pod tea. Alcohol certainly does. I was in the situation where I had to have a couple glasses of wine while under the influence of opiates or it'd be rude and it diminished the loveliness of my high. I've come to hate alcohol except as a solvent for things, or a wound disinfectant.

Stimulants? I use Ephedrine to sometimes ward off nodding when it's not appropriate to be in that state, and for performance enhancing during exercise. I've tried assorted upper RCs and HATE them quite frankly. I found myself taking benzos to come down early from every single one. It is not good for me mentally to be on potent stimulants. Addiction factor for me in this category is 0 thankfully. Even empathogen stimulants I don't care for, though it does make them tolerable.

Psychedelics. Let's see, LSA was my first, no visuals, vasoconstriction annoyed the hell out of me, as did the nausea. I used Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds, Hawaiian strain grinded in a spice grinder. Not ever using it again. LSD, I used it once and plan to use it again. No visuals, typical, but I enjoyed the release of emotion it forced, it felt cathartic and healthy. I felt connected to a higher energy though I tend not to believe in such things. Haven't used any others.

Poppy tea and benzos keep me sane, but I know the latter is something extremely dangerous when used daily and can't be detoxed without medical intervention or good discipline and self-tapering. And besides, benzos sometimes bring me down mentally so I stick to opiates. Fully synthetic opioids scare the shit out of me, but I have used Tramadol and Loperamide (to potentiate). I've had Fentanyl overly-administered after surgeries and the headrush is something I can never forget. I can see why it is imperative one never crosses into IV use for recreation. "Welcome to the machine" as Floyd would say. I know I'd never be able to be a chipper with IV use anything.

Poppy tea. I've been mildly physically dependent on it (I get a runny nose if I don't dose for a week) and the reason it has stayed mild is I never ever dose more than twice a week, unless I have a damn good reason for it such as bad physical pain, and/or suicidal tendencies. Thankfully twice a week is usually enough to keep my depression at bay. I try not to dose too much. If I'm nodding I dosed too much as I don't like nodding. I just want the mental stability, and/or analgesia when needed.

Sorry for any run-on sentences and such. Stream of consciousness I call it. I always type like this when unfer the influence of poppy tea -- opium for all intents and purpose -- just not smokable opium lol. Not sure I'd want to harm my lungs by smoking it anyway -- and on that note I've yet to try cannabis but wish to someday. I just find it a little too expensive when I do come across it. I had a small sample of JWH-018 once but I don't think I vaporized it correctly. In any event if I did I wasn't impressed with it.

That's all for now. It actually is a potentiator in and of itself for me to type long posts like this when coming up on the big O.

EDIT: Figure I should mention Kratom too. I've used all sorts of different kinds but the expensive full alkaloid extracts in ethanol seem to work the best on me. My best experience lasted 8-12 hours and felt like an extremely high hydrocodone dose with extended duration when I took the entire extract bottle. For powder I've found the red vein variety to be the only effective kind. I don't ever mess with crushed leaf -- gag.

So, I decided to try it. Mind over matter (placebo) or unique body chemistry that defies numerous medical journals? I'll let the reader decide.

I dosed approximately 150mg of Loperamide (Imodium in capsule form -- generic).

In a nutshell, you feel nothing for 5-6 hours. Then you notice a slow comeup over 3 hours. Parts of your face, starting with your neck get numb. Then your pupils start to slowly react to dim light, then they go full blown constricted.

At T+10:00 it is unmistakable that there is mu-opioid agonization occuring. It continues for about 24 hours. There are negatives over "normal" opioids: severe grogginess while waking, and of course increased constipation.

One hell of a placebo effect if you ask me. Half of me is glad I got access to a cheap nod, the other half is terrified I got access to a cheap nod -- if you catch my drift.

Naltrexone 50mg tablets kill it (and put you into precipitated withdrawal) in case you experiment a little "too far." I cannot speak as to Naloxone.

IF you choose to use Naltrexone to kill the constipation be warned, it will be 12 hours of absolute hell. Keep suboxone handy -- the bupe will override the Naltrexone as I understand it.

In which I throw down some thoughts about how the Wiki might look and what it might contain.

Any comments are welcome and may even be incorporated into the actual Wiki ITSELF.

Content:

Three types:
Drug info (most important obviously)
Business
Social

Business to include BLUA, guidelines, how-to advice. Possibly forum guidelines? Lot of duplication, but could be an ideea. Any other messages from senior staff. Announcements? Probably not, as by their nature they tend to be time-specific.

Social to include histories of each forum. Profiles of BLers? Why not? It's not like we'd run out of space. Need standard Wiki rules, like citations needed, no flaming. Notable events timeline (board and social). Links to personal websites if wanted. Famous BLers? (who didn't care about being out? Probably not).

Drugs: very similar to Erowid - can we just grab their stuff? Or from Wikipedia, seeing as it's freely available? Specific drugs. Drug policy - worldwide. Drug news. Harm reduction techniques.

Process:

Identify priority for drugs which lack much public information (mephedrone? 6-APB? Ask OD and PD and ADD mods). Ask drug forum mods to identify experts/best threads to create pages. Rinse and repeat.

Process for social: identify forums and ask mods to suggest members, or members to volunteer, to write a history. OR start off with a generic BL history. Maybe that's an idea, people could build forum specific pages off that later. Warts and all is probably better even if we piss people off including me.

Process for business is easier, just ask admins to send me stuff.

Well it happened I was a month away from completing probation and I got called in for my first UA EVER because someone snitched me out... now I sit here looking at a shitstorm for being positive for Methamphetamine... god help me...