Im starting to realize more and more every day that I was a very naive young lad, and should have never been given the responsibility of choosing my career path before I really knew who I was inside. I feel as though I am not the only one who has had this little epiphany as their 20's come to an end.
I fundamentally enjoy what I do. In a perfect universe, where there were no laws of mankind, and humans could be trusted to make 'executive' decisions, my trade could be quite beneficial. Human's ability to adapt the Universe to itself has not proven to be something beneficial to the Universe at large, or so it would seem. As a result, we toolmakers of the world are often left to create each and every tiny little nut and bolt which powers the greater machine of self destruction.
I am a scientist and engineer at heart. Few things turn me on like systems within systems within systems. A natural insight into the inner workings of machines and how they interact with their world has given me a lot of success. I feel ungrateful for how far Ive come, as I stare out the window of the huge tower I work in, and dont see anything good.
Each passing day has me seeing cancer. I know believe cities are a cancer unto this planet, and this planet, indeed self aware, is engaging in a slow and vastly complex process to purge this cancer from itself. Slow, relative to we humans' short and snappy existence, anyways. I dont feel guilty, as though I am doing something "wrong," but I do feel stupid, as though I am doing something disharmonious.
People perceive me to be a "computer geek." I find it odd, considering I have so few electronics at home, beyond this PC I am using now. Im not into gadgets myself, they emit life-draining electromagnetic fields which one should limit exposure to. What a though to think for someone who literally swims though thousands of them every moment of the day! I honestly dont believe technology is a beneficial thing, yet, I am a technologist by profession. I believe the best position for a species to aim for is complete and total harmony with the surrounding Universe. I believe humans use technology to create as vast a disharmonious abyss between themselves and the surrounding Universe as possible. I have a morbid curiosity for the things I hate in this world, and understanding that I wish to know my antagonist inside out explains why I do what I do a bit better.
It is starting to take its toll on me, and I see what Ive needed to see. Its time to work my way out, and return to the primitive state I was intended for. Ive climbed as deep into the bowels of the mass media machine as any of its foes could get. Ive gotten a glimpse of how the inner machinations of the technology industry allows for the state of the "corporate industrial complex" to persist and grow. I know how technology can be used to enslave the entire human race to the bidding of a handful of people. I needed to get deep so I could prove to myself that all my suspicions were not clandestine paranoia, but that I was right all along, and then some. But now, its infecting my mind like second hand smoke. I can feel it poisoning me and changing me as a person. Im finding it harder and harder every day to pretend like I am one of these civilized, tame, and castrated people.
Im not an asshole. Really, Im not. Im not a violent person at all, in fact, it requires an immense violation of honor and personal integrity to drive me to respond physically. I have nothing but love for the human race. Or, at least I thought, until I spent too much time inside the ant farm. Im finding every day I feel more aggressive, more impatient, and more intolerant. Ive sat awake at night astonished with my behavior, at how easily my morals and personal philosophies slip away from me now, and how easily I can regress into a child like mind. My demands for the world to conform to my beliefs are becoming hard to control, and I know I wont last another decade here. The environments Im in are starting to chip away at my stoical fortress, and I am for the first time finding emotional impulses hard to actualize and control.
The plan is underway. A simple bow and thank you and Ill slowly migrate far from here. Not that I have any angst for this place, it is what it is. Not good, not bad, it merely is what the times and events of this particular spot in the Universe's history create. I understand that one man's trash is another man's treasure, and what others see as a mighty bellows of success, I see as a cancerous ulcer spreading further and further each day. I also understand that where I am going, most people would think I am insane.
Its not like I can leave tomorrow. So much more to take care of. I cant survive there just yet. The next couple of years will be very painful for me, as I will have to exist only halfway adapted to living in this state of disharmony from Nature, and halfway adapted to holding my dominance at the top of the food chain.
But hey, Ive always admired that about Socrates. I just know that I gotta hit the road before they pull that hemlock out on me. It will all work out, its like a magnet, calling me, forcing me to see who I really am and to flow like a stream back to where I belong.
it's just fun to say
