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He enjoyed chasing fire trucks and squirrels, napping under the noonday sun, the feeling of wet grass beneath his paws, begging for table scraps, and listening to Tom Waits.

I will miss howling with him.

I'm trapped in this prison but like any good captured criminal I stand by the choices that led me to this suffocating and inescapable place.
How human it is to take the one thing thats ever mattered, that you've ever felt was important and hold it close, turn it into a belief and let it consume you so completely that it may kill you.
On the days I've been stabbing myself for hours and bled like a dying soldier I walk around savouring the residual pain. My arms will hang like useless meat and once and a while I'll limp from the dull pain in my groin. My neck will feel like the dope literally grew hands of its own and attempted to strangle the life out of me but on these days I wear my pain like a self-flagellating religious zealot wears the marks on her back.
I believe in what I'm doing. And so I have crafted that belief into a sheath and forged myself in the fires of sacrifice into a weapon to fit that sheath. Theres no going back now and even at times like these when I know I will wake up in excruciating pain and suffer for some indefinite amount of time, even when I hate this life I am proud of it.

Great song by Arcade Fire that seemed appropriate for listening to whilst writing..............

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage that keeps me
From dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key
My body is a

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten
That don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
That screams my name at night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

I'm living in an age
They laugh when Im dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're standing next to me
My mind holds the key

Set my spirit free
Set my spirit free
Set my body free

Made me smile

I HAD A WHOLE FUCKING STORY TYPED OUT FOR MY BLOG AND MY BROWSER JUST DELETES IT. Fuck you, Opera. It took me almost half an hour to type.

Edit: HI tweakylsd.

This girl I met a few months back is coming down for a couple days so we can spend some time together and maybe start seeing each other, not sure yet. She's pretty damn sexy.

I'm nervous.

Sweating, nerves are ta shit.

Fack! I'm 31 not 13.

I shouldn't worry we're so much alike its scary and we've talked more in 3mos than I normally talk to people in YEARS.

I'm nervous.

.....great.

I was thinking i would make a blog about my travel to recovery but though that was probally done, and since im allready clean for over to months(from heroin that is, im om suboxone) i thought i would just write once in a while when i was in the mood for it.

So here goes, This was just another monday morning, of me getting up, getting something to drink and taking a morning smoke, i has to get to the treatment center within an hour to get my suboxone so get up and whent and did what i had to do down in the city, (bought something to eat and so on,)
when i got home i ate my breakfast, and chilled a bit.

Then i made a mix of my last hash and a little tobaco, took 1mg alprazolam, called a friend and agreed to meet at hes place at lunch time ca., so i just smoked a little weed, listened to music and considered if i should take a little more benzo's. "naah i dont want to be a zombi" i tought to my self,

After a little while im nicely relaxed of the alprazolam and weed, just chilling to music, no worries

SWIM has smoked a 75 patch (gel kind) Used foil, and the roll from the toilet paper to inhale...smoked the whole thing and doesn't feel anything. SWIM has a tolerance with heroin, doing about 3bags 3-4 times a day. Has also worn a 100 patch before for 3 days and didn't feel anything from that either. Besides those two times SWIM has no other experience with fentanyl...was wondering if she's doing something wrong in the smoking process or if SWIM needs to do more...

Im starting to realize more and more every day that I was a very naive young lad, and should have never been given the responsibility of choosing my career path before I really knew who I was inside. I feel as though I am not the only one who has had this little epiphany as their 20's come to an end.

I fundamentally enjoy what I do. In a perfect universe, where there were no laws of mankind, and humans could be trusted to make 'executive' decisions, my trade could be quite beneficial. Human's ability to adapt the Universe to itself has not proven to be something beneficial to the Universe at large, or so it would seem. As a result, we toolmakers of the world are often left to create each and every tiny little nut and bolt which powers the greater machine of self destruction.

I am a scientist and engineer at heart. Few things turn me on like systems within systems within systems. A natural insight into the inner workings of machines and how they interact with their world has given me a lot of success. I feel ungrateful for how far Ive come, as I stare out the window of the huge tower I work in, and dont see anything good.

Each passing day has me seeing cancer. I know believe cities are a cancer unto this planet, and this planet, indeed self aware, is engaging in a slow and vastly complex process to purge this cancer from itself. Slow, relative to we humans' short and snappy existence, anyways. I dont feel guilty, as though I am doing something "wrong," but I do feel stupid, as though I am doing something disharmonious.

People perceive me to be a "computer geek." I find it odd, considering I have so few electronics at home, beyond this PC I am using now. Im not into gadgets myself, they emit life-draining electromagnetic fields which one should limit exposure to. What a though to think for someone who literally swims though thousands of them every moment of the day! I honestly dont believe technology is a beneficial thing, yet, I am a technologist by profession. I believe the best position for a species to aim for is complete and total harmony with the surrounding Universe. I believe humans use technology to create as vast a disharmonious abyss between themselves and the surrounding Universe as possible. I have a morbid curiosity for the things I hate in this world, and understanding that I wish to know my antagonist inside out explains why I do what I do a bit better.

It is starting to take its toll on me, and I see what Ive needed to see. Its time to work my way out, and return to the primitive state I was intended for. Ive climbed as deep into the bowels of the mass media machine as any of its foes could get. Ive gotten a glimpse of how the inner machinations of the technology industry allows for the state of the "corporate industrial complex" to persist and grow. I know how technology can be used to enslave the entire human race to the bidding of a handful of people. I needed to get deep so I could prove to myself that all my suspicions were not clandestine paranoia, but that I was right all along, and then some. But now, its infecting my mind like second hand smoke. I can feel it poisoning me and changing me as a person. Im finding it harder and harder every day to pretend like I am one of these civilized, tame, and castrated people.

Im not an asshole. Really, Im not. Im not a violent person at all, in fact, it requires an immense violation of honor and personal integrity to drive me to respond physically. I have nothing but love for the human race. Or, at least I thought, until I spent too much time inside the ant farm. Im finding every day I feel more aggressive, more impatient, and more intolerant. Ive sat awake at night astonished with my behavior, at how easily my morals and personal philosophies slip away from me now, and how easily I can regress into a child like mind. My demands for the world to conform to my beliefs are becoming hard to control, and I know I wont last another decade here. The environments Im in are starting to chip away at my stoical fortress, and I am for the first time finding emotional impulses hard to actualize and control.

The plan is underway. A simple bow and thank you and Ill slowly migrate far from here. Not that I have any angst for this place, it is what it is. Not good, not bad, it merely is what the times and events of this particular spot in the Universe's history create. I understand that one man's trash is another man's treasure, and what others see as a mighty bellows of success, I see as a cancerous ulcer spreading further and further each day. I also understand that where I am going, most people would think I am insane.

Its not like I can leave tomorrow. So much more to take care of. I cant survive there just yet. The next couple of years will be very painful for me, as I will have to exist only halfway adapted to living in this state of disharmony from Nature, and halfway adapted to holding my dominance at the top of the food chain.

But hey, Ive always admired that about Socrates. I just know that I gotta hit the road before they pull that hemlock out on me. It will all work out, its like a magnet, calling me, forcing me to see who I really am and to flow like a stream back to where I belong.

I went in last week to have my eyes checked expecting that they would tell me I need reading glasses or something. I knew my vision was off but I was not ready for one of the strangest shocks I've had in a while.......
Anyway, I get my eyes checked and it turns out they're really really bad. I need to wear glasses all the time and my vision problem will not allow for contacts. I look ridiculous in glasses so I'm not looking forward to it......but what I am looking forwaard to is seeing things new.
I felt like I had been half blind (which I guess was the case) when I had the 'prescription' in front of me. I almost started crying- everything was vibrant and clear......it was really really shocking.
I'm nervous, dreading it, but excited for next week when I get to see everything with new eyes

Buying mostly organic as of late, enjoying the wonderful taste of fresh, wholesome and lovely food has me thinking about the state of our union as a people living together on this planet.

What if more people switched to buying organic (and possibly locally grown) foods? They are much more expensive. If we spend more money on better quality for our bodies, we perform better, the economy will balance, farmers will be paid more, the people who work for markets big or small will be paid more and minimum wage might increase.

We live in a world where everything is cheap. We eat more than we need because it's cheap, sourly created substances, we use far more than we need, we buy whole sections of stores because it's a "good sale" and we create newer, more "efficient" methods of making objects so we can get more ourselves.

Imagine a world where more people cared about themselves over what they have. I read a quote often. It states:

"All that we truly own is our actions."

Yet, we are so convinced that having a good time by spending a lot on pure and utter shit is the way to go.

I sit in front of the $6 I've already spent on Mellow Mood, a tea drink with a little bit of sugar, which relaxes the mind and body... why and is there anything I can do to cut back on all of the supplies I create when I buy these products aimed toward corporal advancement in our economy? $6 is a lot to spend on tea. I bet I can make a whole gallon of tea for $1. So the change starts.

In 1972, the US Congress placed marijuana in Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act because they considered it to have "no accepted medical use." Since then, 16 of 50 US states and DC have legalized the medical use of marijuana.
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Proponents of medical marijuana argue that it can be a safe and effective treatment for the symptoms of cancer, AIDS, multiple sclerosis, pain, glaucoma, epilepsy, and other conditions. They cite dozens of peer-reviewed studies, prominent medical organizations, major government reports, and the use of marijuana as medicine throughout world history.
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i figured i should make a more positive post after bitching so much in my last post. and maybe thinking of positives will help my outlook too

(i realize stupid state is not positive, but i don't care )

• food. especially various asian food that is rather hard to find in ohio. and persian food.
• cheap foot massages. another thing ohio lacks
• no snow unless i drive to a mountain
• proper skiing if i do drive to a mountain
• cheap flights to seattle, norcal and vegas
• jamba juice
• the fact that pinkberry will liberally salt my frozen yogurt
• my husband's coworker who puts salt on even more things (and stranger things) than i do
• cheap enough labor that i can afford movers tomorrow
• an apartment that allows direct tv. yay nfl sunday ticket and football! hopefully anyhow...

I just read about this on a thread about jealousy in the S, L, and R forum. Kind of got me thinking. I don't think anyone should be bothered by being jealous. I don't understand why people are always like "what if my girl does this?" or "what if he's doing this?" or all that stuff. I really don't get it. I trust my boyfriend 100%. His best friend (female) has stayed over at his place when she's been in town and I have never worried about it. He's flirted with other girls in his career (to get ahead ) and it just doesn't bother me. He's with me. He's not sleeping with them. He doesn't really have feelings for them. He's in love with me and not them. And you know what, he doesn't get jealous of things that happen to me either. And I have always been completely faithful.

The thing is, I've never been burned. I've only had one past relationship and he never cheated. He was kind of a jerk and a terrible boyfriend, but I still trusted him because there was never any reason not to. I've never really been "burned" in the past by anyone. At least nothing big. I guess that's why I have this positive outlook. And I trust way too easily

I can see that others would not be able to get past being cheated on or something like that. Or being abandoned.

But you still have to overcome it. You just have to trust your partner. If he or she didn't do anything to you then you have to trust them. Until they prove you can't trust them.

On days like these when I cant avoid the thoughts of you I realize that for all of my evolutions Im still but a child subscribing to a faith that has long abandoned me. And while I lie here beneath the sky shielding my eyes from its brightness and feeling the warmth leak in through my skin I realize all over again that the closest I'll ever get to you is the sun on my face.
And what is it that turned this man into more than a man? It isn't the inhuman intelligence you possess or your enduring strength. It isn't your eyes that glow with everlasting patience or your ability to convey unseen worlds with breathtaking beauty. It isn't your burning determination that scorches everything it touches and eliminates anything that stands in its way. Perhaps when I was a girl staring in wonder at a man who looked as if he could take the world without one person asking how he'd done it these were the things that made you so much more to me. But now that girl is dead and I'm simply another piece of a past you've forgotten. Always looking up I worship at empty temples, write letters to no one and come to realize that what makes a god is not his greatness or his power but the mountains of unanswered prayers that pave the ground he walks on. Its the desperation and desire that never pierced your golden armor but dominate my every moment.
The object of my loyalty left long ago but the curse still burns inside of me. The tears i can't cry flood my soul and where once my burning devotion kept me awake I just want you out of me.

i really do not like la. like i really hate it here. as in its an evil, miserable, stupid, ugly, expensive, piece of shit town. my dislike extends into santa monica and anything bordering la. i hate it all and i want to leave.

i am sick of people telling me how great it is. because i think it sucks. and i really do not care what other people think. i am sure i will learn to tolerate it here. but it still sucks ass.

it looks like a giant strip mall broken up by roads, palm tress and shitty apartment complexes. the strip malls are populated by various asian eateries and stores run/for by latinos with a dash of weed dispensaries.

beaches, while nice in theory, are filled with trash, flies and obnoxious people. the water is freezing cold and polluted. parks are nowhere to be found, prolly because everyone is too busy sitting in traffic to ever notice a lack of them.

(i am bitter cause i got a ticket for talking on my phone last night.)

more reasons i am not thrilled here:

• stupid rental places require cashier checks. i didn't know anyone still used the stupid things
• snakes
• palm trees are hideous
• traffic
• it smells bad
• cops

This is kind of a warning to anyone who likes those shock sites or sites with pictures of gruesome deaths and stuff.
tl;dr: Don't go to shock/gruesome sites, even if it's only once a year. It seriously fucked me up.
BIG NOTE: This applies to a lot more than "Tasteless" sites, it can apply to anything involving human manipulation, from Dr. Phil to going out on a weekend to watch a bunch of gangs kill each other.

Well I never figured it was possible, but after years of watching all those shock videos and horror things, like Mental Zero or Rotten I have severe psychological damage. This isn't a joke or anything because that would be sick and disgusting. I know 99.9% of you don't look at shock sites or 'tasteless' as openDNS calls them, but for those of you that look at them, even occasionally like twice a year, STOP NOW. I have somniphobia, I'm always afraid of dying in my sleep when I lay down now. I have acrophobia. I have a hundred other phobias that I didn't have before I started looking at these regularly.

I know a lot of you will ask why the hell I look at it in the first place. I have no idea. I really don't. My friend showed Rotten to me many years ago and I slowly built up to going to 'tasteless' sites every day, multiple times a day.

I've taken some measures that are going to be hard to stay with, but I think it's for the best so I don't become schizophrenic or something at age 20. These include but won't be limited to: Using OpenDNS and blocking those 'tasteless' sites I've been looking at so I can't look at them, I may set a password that I don't know to not allow myself to ever change this. Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can block those autopsy/medical shows (hopefully House survives that, I can't live without House!)via my Comcast cable.

I really never thought something like that could actually affect me, it's like you know, when you're a kid and you tell your parents "I'll be fine I won't have nightmares if you let me watch Saw(oh yeah that's going on the nono list as well)." Well, maybe you won't. If you don't then in 5-10 years you'll be the most neurotic, schizophrenic, depressed, anxiogenic person ever. Like I said, if even one of you is actually reading this and is thinking I don't go to shock or tasteless sites I'm fine, no, you're really not. It comes from anything that we wouldn't be exposed to in the natural world.

In the natural world if we were in packs of humans, maybe one of us would die every 10 years. With the internet, TV, and movies it's more like 10 people die every hour. Even if you don't think you're affected by people dying that you don't know--I didn't think I was--, you ARE. It may be subconscious or conscious but it's always there. If someone close to you dies, just take a break from TV, internet, movies, anything that could possibly have death in it. I've been overloaded by literally having 10 extended-family members die in less than a week, then of course I didn't realize it but I was watching Saw, 1000 ways to die, and Air Crash Investigation many times a day each.

If any of you actually read this, you deserve an orgasm. I'm not saying it wasn't true, I'm saying it was really long and if you have time to read this, then you're awesome. Thanks for reading.

Well I bit the bullet today and made my mom take me to get an HIV test. After 3 years of completelt wreckless behavior sharing needles and equippment I was convinced I was probably infected. I found a place that did the oral saliva test for free and went there. Before going I double dosed my suboxone and took some xanax to calm my nerves. I got called back quickly and had my mouth swabbed then had answer a bunch of questions about my life and sexual history. Well the guy asking was so nice and engaging that the 15 minutes flew bye. Suddenly he grabs the test and say well you are negative I felt so relieved and I still do its a crazy feeling I put off getting tested for so long because of fear.

Well know I just need to get checked for Hep c which I think the odds of me having are greater than average because I once shared a needle with someone who had it but I am thankful I dont have both.

I've spent a lot of time in Nor Cal taking care of my mother, whom I now realize I am unbelievably fortunate to have. She got very sick a week after Mother's Day and I ended up staying there. I swear she was dying. It was awful.

Once she got out of the hospital she was weak as hell and I stayed with her and my dad, and cooked and cleaned and talked to my parents all the time. (My mom calls me every night now, which isn't always convenient but whatever.)

During my time with my parents, I felt useful again. Loved again. Appreciated, REALLY and truly appreciated. It made such a difference in my depression, my anxiety about no work, my bad attitude, just everything during those six weeks was so good. It rained every day, or every night. If it rained during the night, I would go out in the backyard and burn one and listen to the rain. If it rained during the day, then at night there are millions of stars, which I had forgotten all about, so I'd lay down in the hammock, burn one, and look at the sky.

The time I spent there would not have been possible if I were still working so maybe some things happen for a reason. (I'm not convinced about that.) Regardless, I got centered up there, just the three of us. (They have no friends.) We sat at the breakfast table talking til lunch time (once my mom got a little better) and we went out to eat. I went on a couple hikes all over around the lakes up there by myself. I found quiet little spots and I meditated. Life came and found me.

My husband and kids were amazed when I got back home. They said it's like a miracle from how I was to how I am now. I still don't have a job but I have my people. I am intensely thankful for my parents and how much they love me. At 72 and 82, their love for me shows in their eyes. It's amazing. And it's medicine that I didn't know I needed so thank Universal powers for taking me and making me see how much WORTH there is in me. I have WORTH. When I was teaching I felt like a real, whole person. That has been gone a long time. I've been like a deflated balloon. But I am healing and giving so much more love to the people I love. I hug my kids more, tell them I Love them more. I am richer than I ever thought possible with the friends and the kids and the love and the laughs and the company. Good company is completely underrated. I LOVE it when I'm around good company!

Only one problem. The sweetness, the tenderness, the interesting conversations, the laughs..... with my parents.... won't last. My son Matt's fiance's dad died Saturday, and I myself ended up sitting in the bathroom just fucking sobbing. I didn't want the fam to trip out, because I didn't even know Laura's father, but the thought of MY dad getting taken off to the mortuary... gone from my life... I know that's selfish shit because SHE lost HER dad and I didnt want to seem ingenuous, but seriously... I'm going up there again in two weeks for another five weeks. The more time I spend with them, the better, because I'm not working, and because they really need my help, and because one day, my mom and my dad are going to die. I'm not wasting any more time. They are precious to me, they've stayed together all this time (53 years) and beyond their weird racism and other peculiar notions, they have loved me all my life. I'm so, SO, fortunate.

Alright so I don't remember much. It was two days ago on my birthday. I had an empty stomach and had eaten something light in the morning. I was planing to roll that day since way back. Whatever me and my friends walked inside the club and looked around. I was walking around looking for a person who was rolling to see where they got there beans from. So I found some guy and he told me, well whatever I looked for the dealer, I gave him 10$ for mine and my friend gave him 10$ for her. I don't know what he gave me, I just told him this better be legit and he said it is, so I got his number. We went to the bathroom and I remember the dealer told me to chew up the one half first and see how i'm feeling and later chew up the other. I looked at it all I think it was a red monkey, but I knew it was safe because it didn't have "BAPE" in the back. There was 3 of my friends and there were only 2 rolls. I didn't want to share mine because bro it's my birthday, I want to be the one who rolls harder. So the two girls shared one of them and i took half of mine. We walk out of the bathroom and started feeling out of it. One of my friends did too but one of them wasn't. She kept bothering me that she didn't feel it and that she wanted the other half. She was annoying me so we went to the bathroom and I chew up half of the half and get her the other half of the half. Whatever we walk out. Still annoying me . We went to the main room of the club, great music. Bam! I felt like hugging everyone. It was amazing. I walked away from my friends because I felt like they were annoying me, I wanted to make new ones. I met so many people, I just felt like grabbing everyone and telling them how much I loved them. I wanted to kiss everyone. I was not horny at all. One of my friends claimed she was. Idk. Later, I remember I had a smile from cheek to cheek, I couldn't stop smiling, It was good feeling happy. Later my friend kept texting me to be with her. But I look for her and I didn't want to go to her. It felt like she was killing my happy. And I remember one of my friends told me she was coming to the club so she wanted me to be with her. So I wanted too. Later I went to my killing happy friend, and she was bitching at me. I just looked at her and couldn't stop smiling. I told her I wanted to look for my friend the one from the text, and she just got annoyed and started bitching, and that just got me sad because I wanted to be with everyone. Later I walked around and found the girl from the text and idk, I felt like someone slapped me in the face, and I just got sad, my smile when to a frown. Whatever I got happy again because of the music. The music felt amazing, the lightshows. . I met some guy and sat down to talk to him, I couldn't stop smiling, like he'll talk to me and all i'll do is smile, I was so happy. And some happy killer comes and kills it. He's like get off the stage and i just ignored and kept smiling and after he's like IF YOU DON'T GET OFF RIGHT NOW, I'LL TELL MY BOSS TO KICK YOU OUT. I got sad. I walked away and felt like crying. I walked away to the bathroom and sat on the floor on the last aisle and cried. My friends came to get me and cheer me up but it didn't work, so whatever the music got me happy again. Later when went to some room and I felt like dancing but in the whole roll I didn't feel like dancing, I just wanted to meet new people and sit and enjoy the music. But whatever I danced for like 20 mins . And one of my friend took me away to get water. She showed me that she got another roll. It was orange but the guy she got it from crushed it for her already. She went to the bathroom and took the whole thing, and gave me like just a tiny little tiny bit. I felt it harder, I couldn't stop smiling even more, I just sat down with my friends and some people I met and jammed out, amazing music. We left at 11 pm. I couldn't hardly hear. I felt so out of it while walking to the bus and friendly and later when I went home I was listening to music and it was chilling. Later, in 1 hour. I came down. I was annoyed, sad, and I just wanted to sleep. I ended up falling asleep like at 3 am and woke up at 11 am and went to sleep again and woke up at 2 pm. AMAZING NIGHT. Feeling a little depressed now. And I feel out of it at times. PLUR.

I am a college educated woman. When I decided to try this home wax, I had already been professionally waxed many times. I can’t afford that anymore so I got my husband, also highly intelligent, to assist me.

We heated up the purple goo until it was warm and we spread it a bit at a time on my legs, following the directions very carefully. We had good results on my legs. That gave us the courage to try my bikini line, which did not work whatsoever.

My bikini hair would not come off with the purple goo. The purple goo stayed in my bikini hair. We heated the goo a little more and tried a different little spot, but the purple goo stayed in my hair. Nothing will remove it now. I tried that blue stuff in the kit, soap, water, baby oil, but NOTHING takes the goo off.

My crotch is currently covered with purple goo and stuck (apparently permanently) to a towel, and nothing will remove the goo. I hate you, Sally H*****. I’m sitting on my couch with purple goo all over my vaginal region and I can't get it off. You should be sued for saying this product will work on the bikini area because it won't.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now. The beach trip tomorrow is off, that’s for sure. You ruined my crotch, your company lies on the packaging, and I will not use another Sally H**** product EVER.

I have been on oxy for the past year doing about 60-90 mg per day through my nasal cavity. I alway run out before the end of the month and the anxiety knowing you are going to be out of pills is a killer. So I end up finding duladin or morph or norcos.

I am on the fence whether to stop or not. I have stopped 2 times this year for 2-3 weeks and felt great and then 'my boy called me' and I thought, I've been good so I went and picked up 50 30mg ir and the relapse guilt is a mental pain. Yo have to talk yourself into the fact that you are doing the right thing. Try to keep all of societies stigmas out of your head. . .it is all bs. I believe you can live a happy productive impactful life whether you are on pkillers or other meds.

I like to snort and norcos etc can not be snorted, but chewed and swallowed.

I have been experimenting snorting Xanax vs sublingual and swallowing. I think I like to prefer snorting because I broke a 2 mg white bar and snorted a qtr .50 mg and it worked well. I followed up with a .50 sublingual and 3 norcos (swallowe) and i feel really good right now.

By the way the last oxy I took was a week ago and the norcos were just to hold me over along with a couple dulidad and xan. You know a lot of it is mental and it is whether you have the will power to make a decision and stick with it.

Regarding snorting Xanax I found this report which is a bit more scientific

In this post, I will not only conclusively show that administering benzodiazepines such as diazepam, lorazepam, and alprazoram work, but also work effectively.

It is a common perception among people who consider themselves knowledgeable about drugs that benzodiazepines such as diazepam can not be taken intranasal. The idea is that since benzos are not water soluble, they can not be absorbed in the mucous membranes in the nose, and thus only the drip (see: phlegm, a water based gel substance) gets you high, when it eventually reaches your stomach. This perception is fairly widespread, and so-called "n00bs" are lambasted for snorting any type of benzo outside of midazolam, a water soluble benzo. Considering there has been no scientific proof brought forth that to take benzos intranasal they have to be water soluble, I think it is safe to say for many people this is a matter of ego. Since there has been no scientific proof linking water solubility to benzo inefficiently in the nasal mucosa, I would like to point out that this should not be considered the de facto truth.

First of all, absorption of drugs commonly takes place in one of the many mucous membranes in the body. These places include the nose, the anus, the lips, under the tongue, the ears, and the genital area. (Wikipedia article on mucous membranes.) Drugs (among other things) are absorbed through the mucous membranes, into the local veins, into a main artery, and then soon after are to the brain. The advantage of taking drugs this way is that it bypasses of the liver, which is extremely destructive to drugs, and it reaches the brain much quicker. This is why intranasal, sublingual, and anal administration is usually preferred to oral.

is a term used to describe the fraction of a dose that reaches the systemic circulation, or in more basic terms, how much of drug X that is actually reaching your brain. It is a basic description for determining how effective a certain method of administration is. One of the most important of these is . Lipids are a group of naturally occurring organic compounds that are related by their solubility in nonpolar organic solvents, and generally their insolubility in water. Although bioavailability also depends on a number of other factors, including but not limited to pH, molecular weight, etc, lipid solubility is the most important and the one I will be focusing on. Molecular weight does not matter that much seeing as how cocaine is a substance taken intranasal with a molecular weight of 303.353 g/mol, and diazepam has a molecular weight of 284.7 g/mol. The pH of a substance can be modified through different methods, and thus is not that important.

The intranasal bioavailability of diazepam in dogs is a whopping 80%, according to which states:

"Mean bioavailability of BDZ following IN administration was 80 +/- 9%. CONCLUSIONS AND CLINICAL RELEVANCE: Diazepam is rapidly and efficiently absorbed following IN administration of the parenteral formulation. Plasma concentrations match or exceed the suggested therapeutic concentration (300 microg/L). Intranasal administration of diazepam may be useful for treatment of seizures in dogs by owners or when intravenous access is not readily available."

Obviously dogs are different than humans, but the nasal mucous membranes of mammals does not differ that much. Taken alone, this bit of information might not be conclusive, but there is more:

"The purpose of this study was to evaluate the pharmacokinetic profile of intranasal lorazepam in comparison to currently established administration routes. Eleven healthy volunteers completed this randomized crossover study. On three occasions, each separated by a 1-week washout, subjects received a 2 mg dose of lorazepam via the intranasal, intravenous, or intramuscular route. Blood samples were collected serially from 0 to 36 hours. Noncompartmental methods were used to determine pharmacokinetic parameters. Lorazepam was well absorbed following intranasal administration with a mean (%CV) bioavailability of 77.7(11.1). Intranasal administration resulted in a faster absorption rate than intramuscular administration. Elimination profiles were comparable between all three routes. The concentration-time profile for intranasal delivery demonstrated evidence of a double peak in several subjects, suggesting partial oral absorption. Females were found to have significantly higher AUC values than males for all three delivery routes. Overall, this study demonstrated favorable pharmacokinetics of intranasal lorazepam in relation to standard administration methods. Intranasal delivery could provide an alternatve, noninvasive delivery route for lorazepam."

Taken from this study. Not only is intranasal administration an efficient method, but my personal favorite method, sublingual, is also efficient:

"Ten healthy volunteers received single 2-mg doses of lorazepam on five occasions in random sequence. Modes of administration were: A, intravenous injection; B, deltoid intramuscular injection; C, oral tablets in the fasting state; D, sublingual dosage of oral tablets in the fasting state; and E, sublingual dosage of specially formulated tablets in the fasting state. Kinetic variables were determined from multiple plasma lorazepam concentrations measured during 48 hr postdose. After intravenous lorazepam, mean (+/- SE) values were: elimination half-life (t 1/2 beta), 12.9 (+/- 0.8) hr; volume of distribution, 1.3 (+/- 0.07) liters/kg; total clearance, 1.21 (+/- 0.1) ml/min/kg. Absorption of intramuscular lorazepam was rapid. Peak plasma levels were reached at 1.15 hr after dosage, with absorption half-life averaging 14.2 (+/- 4.7) min. Absorption or oral and sublingual lorazepam tended to be less rapid than intramuscular injection, although differences were not significant. Times of peak concentration were 2.37, 2.35, and 2.25 hr postdose for trials C,D, and E, respectively; values of absorption half-life were 32.5, 28.5, and 28.7 min. Absolute systemic availability for trials B, C, D, and E averaged 95.9, 99.8, 94.1, and 98.2%, respectively; none of these differed significantly from 100%. Values of t1/2 beta were highly replicable within individuals regardless of the administration route. Thus, sublingual lorazepam is completely absorbed and is a suitable administration route in clinical practice."

From here. Here are some more studies that further prove my point:

"Intranasal lorazepam is effective, safe, and provides a less invasive alternative to intramuscular paraldehyde in children with protracted convulsions. The ease of use of this drug makes it an attractive and preferable pre-hospital treatment option."

http://tinyurl.com/or2zo

"Intranasal benzodiazepines produce rapid and effective sedation in canaries. Intranasal alpha(2) agonists produce sedation but not sustained recumbency. Specific antagonists are also effective when used by this route. Clinical relevance Intranasal sedative drug administration is an acceptable alternative method of drug delivery in canaries."

http://tinyurl.com/o56df

Not only is intranasal administration of benzodiazepines an efficient method in the medical community, it has been shown that it is widespread in the drug (ab)using community:

"Two cases of intranasal benzodiazepine use are presented. The methods of preparation and administration of the powder and accounts of the pharmacological effects of the drugs used are described. The pattern of development and progress of the habit and its associated features are delineated. Snorting benzodiazepines appears to be more common than is currently appreciated, and the clinical complications and implications of this habit are discussed."

http://tinyurl.com/qtfaf

In conclusion, intranasal administration of benzodiazepines is not only an extremely efficient method of use, but is also prevalent in the recreational drug community. I have shown that drug absorption in the mucous membranes relies on lipid solubility, not water solubility, and that drugs that are lipid soluble are very often water insoluble. There is no scientific evidence whatsoever to give the impression that water-insoluble benzodiazepines can not be taken intranasal, and thus it is a 100% positive fact that it is a myth. Water insoluble benzos can be snorted, are snorted, and if one so desires, should be snorted.
Written by: Rizzo in a box.

I flipped out this morning after a night of drinking, my roommate and his friend and me are on the porch, roommate is having a manic moment and going on about how he wants to see me happy yadda yadda and I'm telling him that he doesn't understand why I'm not happy, what secrets I have that I don't tell him about that are why I'm not happy. His friend chimes in with, "I think I know what it is."

The look on her face, the tone in her voice, everything, led me to believe that she knew. I can't handle people knowing. I wish I could convey the amount of shit that I feel when I think someone knows, it's like being kicked when you're down, repeatedly, until you can't breathe and your sight just goes red with anger but you can't do shit to stop it so you just take it. So I flipped out, felt ashamed and envious and angry, etc....and cut for the first time in a couple years.


***triggering part*****
What scared me is that this time, in the back of my mind I knew I wanted to do damage. I wanted a gaping hole. So I sliced the same spot over and over, holding back the flaps of skin to view the subcutaneous fat like I'd seen in surgery videos. Then I had a moment of thinking what the fuck man, what are you DOING. I stopped. Looked at it. Obviously needed stitches, it wouldnt' stop bleeding.


Honestly when I was slicing myself like a fucking xmas ham, in my head I wondered if it would really be this easy to slice other shit off that I want gone. It seemed too easy to do, I don't feel the same kind of physical pain I did years ago. I've thought about it alot, almost gone to the point of performing surgery on myself once. Told myself that that's alot different than just slicing open your skin, but still.

Of course I didn't tell the Er the whole story. Didn't tell them I was drunk when I did it. Didn't let on that I was as mentally fucked up as I feel. I know how to play the system, and right now I have to keep working and shit, not throw my ass in a psych ward. Looking back this whole relapse was really stupid. They blood and piss tested me in the ER. Weren't as shitty towards me as previous times. All in all, it was still fucking stupid. I know why I did it, but at the same time I don't.

i had a pretty candid conversation with my grandmother today, where we went over how much money she's outright given me over the past three years. The total: $13,000 - cash. $10,000 of it came all at once when I needed an angel investor for my "electronics company," and I actually spent that money gambling in the options market, getting high, and putting the down payment on a Passat which I have officially lost now.

So instead of playing captain innocent when confronted with the notion that some of that money may have been spent on drugs, I admitted it like an adult. I did it because I notice how pathetic my friends look when they are down and out and lying to mommy and daddy about whether or not they need drugs. It's lame, and it's something an 18 year old would do.

I'm 27, and to be honest I need some maintenance meds that the doctors are just not giving me. My grandmother said she would pay for my drugs until I found a decent doctor, partly because she watched what happened to my uncle when he rode the rollercoaster of trying to quit until he bled to death in agony anyways, while completely sober, because of his fucked up liver.

I reasoned that if I only have 13-20 more years left to live, then I am going to need some medication to regulate the way I feel - benzos at the vary least. She asked me why I don't just get them on the street if doctors don't understand, and I said that I do. Then she said that she would pay for them so that I can concentrate on saving money during this shitty, shitty economy.

Btw I've been unemployed for three months and I just got hired as the manager of a really nice japanese seafood and sushi place. Not my first choice, but will definitely add to my life experience and it will be cool to know that I can float around high as a kite. Second time I've managed a restaurant. This one seems more legit though, as in less room for hustling.

Thanks for nothing Bluelight...

Bluelight members, on the other hand ROCK!!! Stay smart, safe, and good...: