For the past few months, I have been analyzing life. My life, and life in general. I went through a stage of mild/moderate depression. It sucked. I look back at who I used to be a year ago and I was confident and outgoing and loved to hang out with people. I didn't do any drugs besides marijuana and that was not often. I had a great group of friends who I loved hanging out with and it was always fun. I always felt comfortable around them. I loved to make people laugh. At the end of last summer, my two closest friends moved away. I kept in contact with one of them and we are still close today. The other one, not so much but I still visit her when I get the chance.
After they moved I went through a stoner stage. It started when I bought my own weed to share with friends. Then I smoked it by myself. I enjoyed it. Then I started smoking at school and enjoyed that. Then I started smoking at work and enjoyed that. Not long after I was smoking 24/7. It was fun, yes, but I think that it made me very shy and socially anxious. I was always shy as a kid and I feel that weed brought me back to those shy days. I no longer wanted to hang out with people. I was content by sitting at home, stoned, on the computer.
I live with my parents, and they are extremely conservative/religious. They believe drugs/alcohol are the devil (literally). My mom eventually found my stash and it was all downhill from there. Words can't describe how shitty I felt. My mom was so heartbroken. I still feel guilty about it. This was almost 6 months ago. I told her I would quit. She became so worried and anxious about me after that predicament. It really sucked to see my mom suffer emotionally because of me. I think I contributed to her depression (the other day she told me she wanted to die... but that's a different story). And she was still kind to me after that.
So after that I stopped staying out late, was always home, etc. My social life dwindled down to a couple of close acquaintances. I became quite depressed. For the past couple of months I've been seeing a counselor and reading self-help books and I've learned a lot about myself that I was previously denying. This was working well for me, however I started to become quite self-conscious, like all the time. I learned about self-awareness and I wanted to reach that point, but I think instead I became more self-conscious rather than self-aware. I became so shy and it was difficult for me to look people in the eye sometimes.
Thankfully, I am working on fixing that issue and tonight I felt like I had an epiphany. I was hanging out with a group of people. I know one of them well, but the other few not so much. I was pretty quiet at first but then I started to talk more and I was actually having a good time.
It made me realize that I am naturally shy when I'm around people I don't know. It's a part of my personality. I've been shy since childhood. It doesn't mean that I should be ashamed of it. I feel like I am starting to accept my shyness. I think accepting it will help with the social anxiety I experience.
End of rant.
After they moved I went through a stoner stage. It started when I bought my own weed to share with friends. Then I smoked it by myself. I enjoyed it. Then I started smoking at school and enjoyed that. Then I started smoking at work and enjoyed that. Not long after I was smoking 24/7. It was fun, yes, but I think that it made me very shy and socially anxious. I was always shy as a kid and I feel that weed brought me back to those shy days. I no longer wanted to hang out with people. I was content by sitting at home, stoned, on the computer.
I live with my parents, and they are extremely conservative/religious. They believe drugs/alcohol are the devil (literally). My mom eventually found my stash and it was all downhill from there. Words can't describe how shitty I felt. My mom was so heartbroken. I still feel guilty about it. This was almost 6 months ago. I told her I would quit. She became so worried and anxious about me after that predicament. It really sucked to see my mom suffer emotionally because of me. I think I contributed to her depression (the other day she told me she wanted to die... but that's a different story). And she was still kind to me after that.
So after that I stopped staying out late, was always home, etc. My social life dwindled down to a couple of close acquaintances. I became quite depressed. For the past couple of months I've been seeing a counselor and reading self-help books and I've learned a lot about myself that I was previously denying. This was working well for me, however I started to become quite self-conscious, like all the time. I learned about self-awareness and I wanted to reach that point, but I think instead I became more self-conscious rather than self-aware. I became so shy and it was difficult for me to look people in the eye sometimes.
Thankfully, I am working on fixing that issue and tonight I felt like I had an epiphany. I was hanging out with a group of people. I know one of them well, but the other few not so much. I was pretty quiet at first but then I started to talk more and I was actually having a good time.
It made me realize that I am naturally shy when I'm around people I don't know. It's a part of my personality. I've been shy since childhood. It doesn't mean that I should be ashamed of it. I feel like I am starting to accept my shyness. I think accepting it will help with the social anxiety I experience.
End of rant.