Blogs

Taken from a series of emails between me and The Young Geezer:

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== Wednesday 27, July 2011 ==
Hey! This sunday will be my birthday! 24 years! I expect to spend it alone like many other times.
How have you been? Everything good?
I miss talking with someone knowlodgeable who doesn't criticize me and knows about the subject.
For some reason, this days have been the most deppressive ones in my life.
I wake up every morning with this horrible sensation, it is not panic, or anxiety,
It's an anguish, an incredible emptiness. As if the night before they told I was to be executed in the morning.
As the sun goes shiner I get better, even euphoric.
I am in a lot of physical pain. I have nauseas.
I don't think I can hold like this much longer. Is like if my body is doing everything it can to make me as umcomfortable as it can.
Mentally, my anxiety is largely gone, althought a some still lingers in there; however, that improvement is tarnished by the emotions and sensations I feel and describe.
I don't use downers anymore because they don't fill me up anymore. I wonder if they ever did.
I consume 250 mgs of Tramadol to perk me up when I wake up, but I fear I will get withdrawal symptoms someday, something brutal I have never experienced and scares me to death.
Interpersonally and socially, everything is the same, I can count my friends with the fingers of one hand, and am in a permanent war with my family, like always.
I'm gonna smoke a cigarrette and try to sleep some, thought I have developed a phobia of sleeping. I sleep very bad, waking up every few hours and with muscle pain,
like when you sleep in a bad position.
I may publish this on the Bluelight forums.
This birthday seems like it's gonna be like any other bad day of my life.
Regards.

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Happy birthday to me...

End of the message.

Regards.

Waitin for the day when my heart start beatin fast and a vibe start down my spine like "this is love...." but na, whats love? the fuck you thinkin of? the needle in your vein when it fits like a glove? whats love? do you even know anything it is? when the only thing you love send you down for a bid? whats love? that feelin when you shakin on the floor, prayin to the lord like "i cant take it no more"? thats love? all it make of brick and broken glass, cut you down to nothin til you broken on ya ass? so love, id really like to meet chu. get up inside your head, get deep wit chu. learn a little bit about your personality, get up with the life, see if you down with reality. love who? the kind of love you take you, mess ya mind like the kinda dude who say love i really lova-love i hate you. who love? its that nigga in the street with the gold in his teeth who sell the only shit that you relate to.when you down on your knees and you beggin him please hes the only one who can hurt you. whats love? when you broken in the street and everyone you meet only really want a piece of you. whats love? when you try so hard to tell em and the words that you yellin cant do nothin to release you. whats love? something that you buy for a fee and mix it up like ice tea and it keeps you. love where? well you met it in a place with no name and no face

love cuz, at the end of the day all i really got to say love is the one who got away while i looked the other way.

Im just your average white male finding his identity in todays melting pot called america. I smoked an inordinate amount of weed from 04-10 and am finally starting to get back on my youthful get-shit-done grind. I also dabbled in pharma speed and psychs and disassociatives. My life has started to turn a new page, probably in part to the simple decision of abstaining from green in the mornings before work. lol. I will publicise my accomplishments and emotional or political concerns in this blog, for all those who may read them for some reason.

Talked with my dad today, told him about what I was doing. He was happy to hear I was doing good, and taking class's. Since he has worked with OSHA for a number of years doing air test, and testing for different atmospheric gas's. He knew already what I told him what I learned today, so this is really cool. It will help me down the road when I have any questions on any of the different gas's and minerals I'll be around. (ch4,coal dust, rock dust,co2,h2) which all these are bad at you! and yet the $ people get paid doing this kind of work has made me interested in it.

yesterday at class we learned about the ventilation of the coal mines and how the methane gas along with all the others i mentioned above gets disposed of properly. and learned a little bit about the machines.
Today we learned about the miners law, and msha, sorta the same people as osha. (look them up). so for my safety and the safety of everyone down there, so they are there to protect me from injury and death to myself or my fellow.
We watched videos and did examples on testing the air, where to test it, and how frequently you should test it. also what to do when the man blowers/fans stop working?, well its a very bad idea to continue working without fresh air being pumped inby towards the face your drilling from.
it's an art in it's self describing on the mine ventilation system. it's a maze of temp stoppings, and perm stoppings to direct the air flow. from the fresh and the exhaust.
also yesterday we all went into the underground simulator which looks just like a mine! so it was cool.
tomorrow we are going back and going to do some first responder type shit, and learn about the masks, and what to do in an emergency. also CPR. there are zero girls in my class so hope we use a dummy. lol
then thursday i'll take the exam !

Hi
I just want to share that my son attempted to commit suicide this weekend. He eventually shared that he comes to this site for his
information. If you do not want to end up dead or in a psych hospital or on the streets, quit mixing drugs! Get help. Quit hurting yourself and your families. This has been far too painful.

First blog entry.

Oh yeah! haha. Thee song at the moment.

I finally met her, all is good -- all is amazing

) What are the symptoms of an overdose?

2) How can I Fix it at Home, Without going to a hospital?
What's the best thing to do, what can I do at home to overcome it??

3) What Tips work (e.g. drinking orange juice)?? Imp tips for someone who might have od'd?

4) How long before it's safe to sleep?

5) What are the Best Home Cures for:
a) Irregular heartbeat
b) Shallow breathing and Chest Constriction
c) Dizziness and drowsiness (drug induced)?

Help please!

I have lived in both... I think shit is better in MD. (opiates and weed) But then again I just moved here so I'll give it time. If not I'll just drive... I woulda thought green woulda been better and cheaper up here, with all the great outdoors I kinda knew the dope would be better in Balt. What is your opinion?

Hello there, Bluelighters! I've been scrounging through these forums for quite awhile and finally decided to just suck it up and join the fun!

A little about me: I'm a gal in her late twenties (but going on 23 every day, tehe) and while I love to live life to its fufullest, I feel like I've reached a plateau with the partying and what not and finding myself enjoying life from the home- body's perspective lately. I love hanging out with my kids, watching movies, going to the park and taking long bbike rides.

I do thoroughly enjoy the company of fellow "Burners" (you know who you are) and do dedicate a few weeks in a year to going to related events, primarily Playa Del Fuego, and Transformus (possibly Firefly next year.)

I'm an artist, a student, a performer, a mommy, and have dabbled in the art of film-making (began to produce/ direct an indie film last year with some relatively big-named people such as James Marsters, but then failed at the hands of so-called producers -- aka shitty investors-- not coming through...)

Anyhow, hello to all, glad to be here, and much love!

So last night was by far the most intense trip of my life. Ive never tried to write out my expierience but what happened to me last night is somthing that needs to be documented. I ate about 6.5 grams of fungi. The only reason I ate that much is because 2 days ago I tripped on L and was trying to make sure tolerance was not a factor, and let me tell you my friend, it wasn't.
As the fungi started its accent, the visuals were awesome, everything I ever wanted from the visual aspect of a trip. I use to put more emphasis on the visual distortions realized during a strong trip, but it has become apparent that the visuals are merley a distraction, or more so, an occupying aspect of what is to come.
After who knows how long, I began to lose my presence in this body in which I occupy. Behind my eyelids were a mystical array of patterns changing and morphing from solid substance to liquid, with different colors and shapes being realized as the music tingled through my body and I began to float into a space or place that was so real it makes this perception seem fake, and the place where I went was THE PLACE. It was like I could feel when my buddys got there too and I was speaking with them, "welcome guys, I'll bet you never knew this was out here" and I could also feel some of them not allowing their minds to let go enough to get there.
As the music ran through my body and the perceptions behing my eyelids grew deeper and deeper I was totaly and fully out of this body of mine and into a vast area of euphoric bliss where nothing can happen and everything is happening for a reason, all at the same time, and the realization of full knowledge of what this life is becomes apparent.
At this point, or at some point, my energy is so powerful it exploads from the outter place, into and through this body and I brought that energy from THE PLACE through the body and into this world. I jumped up and kissed my brothers and from what they tell me I did a flip, which I do slightly remember, but they say my form was awesome. I broke out in a cry of joy. It all made sense. My life had a purpose and I found out what it was (i just wish I couold remember). I can grasp the thought at times but often hesitate to share my thoughts out of fear of ridicule or suspicion that I may have lost my mind. haha.
I felt as if I could close my eyes and walk into nothingness. But the nothingness was everything and all I had to do was let go into a world that I have only tasted, smelled, or heard, never fully ingulphed in it.

I have reached this similar level only twice and I have tripped many many times, some of you out there may be thinking that I may have lost it, some of you have lost it and are happy to hear I found it, but any way, this expierence had to be documented and I needed to try my best and describe the trip while it is still impressed in my mind. Althought I believe people can never fully explain a trip. Once I heard that explaining a trip is like explaining color to a blind person, we just do not have a vocabulary built for explaining the un-explainable. The word we use is "trip" but thats just a general term. What I learned from this is that I have no clue how deep it can get, I thought I did, many times, but I keep ending up getting furthur and further every few times. Its like Ive found the true way to trip and get that energy within all of us, out of the confinments of our body and into a world where all your hopes and dreams become reality, you just never fully know your true hopes and dreams until you realize them, get it.

Seriously. It is amazing. The last couple times I tried it, my rolls have been okay to not great. Nothing better than okay. The last time it was pretty good, I kept going and didn't stop when I should have. So the day didn't end so well.

Finally had a good day. Stopped when I should have. Smoked some weed, just cuddled with my boyfriend, had a nap then slept. Not even a terrible hangover today!

I'm sooo glad we had a great day with the mdma. It's so amazing to really bond. We met up with a few of our friends at this club. It was great. I got to dance to some AMAZING music (my favourite DJ was spinning for three hours instead of two!!) and we got to talk to our friends and the best part was just talking and being with my boyfriend. I love MDMA for the bonding and everything. It is incredible!!!!!!!!!

Just happy to have another amazing experience

...

Hi
I need to get high and don't have enough syrup to get a good trip. What else can I grab here in my home?

I've got the good green right now so all I want is some good dope to set me off. What are you craving today?

Hi I've decided to blog never dun it b4 but I'm so pisses off I thought ill give it a go lol. I have suffered from chronic daily headaches and migraines for over 7 yrs now seen everyone that I thought may b able to help but to no avail .
The reason I'm writing this is because I have Tryed so many drugs now and only one has helped me with this chronic illness.
Unfortunately my pain specialist has dumped me because I will not go back on methadone he pushes and pushes to put me back on it but the side effects were awful and I went through terrible withdraws when I came off it I was at a dose of 80mg tapered myself off to 30 mg then dropped it cold not the best thing I've ever dun anyway
Back to the problem at hand I had morphine injections at home prescribed by him for break through pain they were very effective and I cud continue with my day pretty well then the fucker decided to take al pain meds away because he thought I was havin rebound headaches 2 months later I was admired to hospital mental health unit for severe depression and pain control at the end of my rope.
after two weeks in hospital I was put back onto morphine oral by The drs there .I was sent back to my dick pain wanker Dr where he told me there was nothing else he cud do ,stop al meds even the antidepressant I was on cus it. To cud cause headaches and go back on methadone ,I said no he said well I'm lookin at a dieing man and there's nothin he cud do about it
As to say I have not been back to him but he has tide the hands of my gp to the point of al I have for pain is tramadol and DHC can't even have break through meds. The only option I have is the ER .
I'm at a loss of wat to do as I cannot get a second opinion unless I pay for it and I don't have the money to do that as I wud also have to travel and hotels and so forth.
If anybody has any brite ideas as to help id be most appreciative thanks for the place to blog cheers .peace .

Bluelight helps me be............................sober?

I realized this past week that when I don't have Bluelight to occupy my time throughout the day, I do A LOT more drugs.

Ironic, don't you think?

Greeeeeer.... moan. It's 3:30pm and I just got up WTF am I going today. I hate to go to sleep then I hate to wake up. I have the most amazing terrifying nightmares (they seem so real). I really should keep a notebook next to me and write them down. It's weird though most of the time its like I'm watching a movie. I don't think I'm even in half the dreams but the fear is there.

Oh well...Ive only got 3 more days before my resignation is up at work, sometimes I think...What was I thinking? I have no idea where to even start looking for a job. 10 years at the last place then decide I'm not doing this anymore, maybe some forethought would have been useful.

To bad I can't get paid for writing porn that seems to be one of the only things I really like to do.

Gotta get up off this couch and go to store. Be back later

Because I really don't give a fuck she dumped me. She will never meet anyone to treat her better, and I think that's punishment enough really.

Hello all, first entry in my new blog and hopefully not the last one

sorry ........................................

OverDone!!!!

Congrats and welcome back on staff dude!!

Thank you to all who applied.
This was a TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH decision!!!

Wow! Site upgrades look pretty neat on surface but it looks like it'll take some time to adjust and familiarize myself with all the cool little goodies.

A lot has happened since I've last logged in a few days before the site went through its scheduled shutdown. I don't have the time at the moment to outline it all but, you can bet I'm definitely gonna jot it all down!

Hope everyone is well and had a safe break from Bluelight. Now get yer fingers on those keyboards, man!

Did anyone else have to register again. I been a member for years, had to change username/password. Has to be other people?

It's been awhile, Blogs! Decided to spend a sunny Sunday out of the sunshine (had way too much this week). The windows are all open, I had a delicious shrimp burrito and I'm in an excellent mood. I hope life continues to be as kind to me as it has been recently. I hope all of you are doing well, also.

Here we go...

1. what is one of your favorite childhood memories?

Staying at my mom's family's summer home in southern Ontario, right on Lake Erie.

2. how does your life compare to your life 10 years ago?

I have enjoyed more financial and professional success. I still party and know how to have fun, but I do these things in moderation now rather than going full-on. I am happier and more stable overall.

3. what does your wallet look like?

I can't find a photo of it. It's a plain black Nine West trifold wallet, which I've had since college. It is made of polyester/canvas.

4. favorite pizza toppings:

If I'm eating meat, pepperoni and black olives. If I'm not, could be almost anything except raw tomatoes (allergy) or green onions (dislike). Pizza is my favorite food ever and I like to try new pizzas frequently.

5. list 2 truths and a lie. people can guess in the comments which is lie

* I am getting gray hair
* I dream of owning a Siberian Husky
* I am presently drinking vodka

6. how many email addresses do you have?

4. One personal, two business, and one junker so I can download coupons.

7. do you pee in the shower?

Only at my own house.

8. name 3 websites you frequent (besides BL)

Reddit
Huffington Post
astro.com

9. what is your favorite word? why?

I honestly cannot answer this. I like words and always have. If a gun were held to my head, it would probably be "Mariposa" which is the Spanish word for butterfly.

10. where is some place you have always wanted to go?

Where would I start? Out of places I have not yet been, probably Moscow or Berlin. Tokyo remains my dream, yet I don't feel it is safe to travel there at present due to the radiation.