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Hi I've decided to blog never dun it b4 but I'm so pisses off I thought ill give it a go lol. I have suffered from chronic daily headaches and migraines for over 7 yrs now seen everyone that I thought may b able to help but to no avail .
The reason I'm writing this is because I have Tryed so many drugs now and only one has helped me with this chronic illness.
Unfortunately my pain specialist has dumped me because I will not go back on methadone he pushes and pushes to put me back on it but the side effects were awful and I went through terrible withdraws when I came off it I was at a dose of 80mg tapered myself off to 30 mg then dropped it cold not the best thing I've ever dun anyway
Back to the problem at hand I had morphine injections at home prescribed by him for break through pain they were very effective and I cud continue with my day pretty well then the fucker decided to take al pain meds away because he thought I was havin rebound headaches 2 months later I was admired to hospital mental health unit for severe depression and pain control at the end of my rope.
after two weeks in hospital I was put back onto morphine oral by The drs there .I was sent back to my dick pain wanker Dr where he told me there was nothing else he cud do ,stop al meds even the antidepressant I was on cus it. To cud cause headaches and go back on methadone ,I said no he said well I'm lookin at a dieing man and there's nothin he cud do about it
As to say I have not been back to him but he has tide the hands of my gp to the point of al I have for pain is tramadol and DHC can't even have break through meds. The only option I have is the ER .
I'm at a loss of wat to do as I cannot get a second opinion unless I pay for it and I don't have the money to do that as I wud also have to travel and hotels and so forth.
If anybody has any brite ideas as to help id be most appreciative thanks for the place to blog cheers .peace .

Bluelight helps me be............................sober?

I realized this past week that when I don't have Bluelight to occupy my time throughout the day, I do A LOT more drugs.

Ironic, don't you think?

Greeeeeer.... moan. It's 3:30pm and I just got up WTF am I going today. I hate to go to sleep then I hate to wake up. I have the most amazing terrifying nightmares (they seem so real). I really should keep a notebook next to me and write them down. It's weird though most of the time its like I'm watching a movie. I don't think I'm even in half the dreams but the fear is there.

Oh well...Ive only got 3 more days before my resignation is up at work, sometimes I think...What was I thinking? I have no idea where to even start looking for a job. 10 years at the last place then decide I'm not doing this anymore, maybe some forethought would have been useful.

To bad I can't get paid for writing porn that seems to be one of the only things I really like to do.

Gotta get up off this couch and go to store. Be back later

Because I really don't give a fuck she dumped me. She will never meet anyone to treat her better, and I think that's punishment enough really.

Hello all, first entry in my new blog and hopefully not the last one

sorry ........................................

OverDone!!!!

Congrats and welcome back on staff dude!!

Thank you to all who applied.
This was a TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH decision!!!

Wow! Site upgrades look pretty neat on surface but it looks like it'll take some time to adjust and familiarize myself with all the cool little goodies.

A lot has happened since I've last logged in a few days before the site went through its scheduled shutdown. I don't have the time at the moment to outline it all but, you can bet I'm definitely gonna jot it all down!

Hope everyone is well and had a safe break from Bluelight. Now get yer fingers on those keyboards, man!

Did anyone else have to register again. I been a member for years, had to change username/password. Has to be other people?

It's been awhile, Blogs! Decided to spend a sunny Sunday out of the sunshine (had way too much this week). The windows are all open, I had a delicious shrimp burrito and I'm in an excellent mood. I hope life continues to be as kind to me as it has been recently. I hope all of you are doing well, also.

Here we go...

1. what is one of your favorite childhood memories?

Staying at my mom's family's summer home in southern Ontario, right on Lake Erie.

2. how does your life compare to your life 10 years ago?

I have enjoyed more financial and professional success. I still party and know how to have fun, but I do these things in moderation now rather than going full-on. I am happier and more stable overall.

3. what does your wallet look like?

I can't find a photo of it. It's a plain black Nine West trifold wallet, which I've had since college. It is made of polyester/canvas.

4. favorite pizza toppings:

If I'm eating meat, pepperoni and black olives. If I'm not, could be almost anything except raw tomatoes (allergy) or green onions (dislike). Pizza is my favorite food ever and I like to try new pizzas frequently.

5. list 2 truths and a lie. people can guess in the comments which is lie

* I am getting gray hair
* I dream of owning a Siberian Husky
* I am presently drinking vodka

6. how many email addresses do you have?

4. One personal, two business, and one junker so I can download coupons.

7. do you pee in the shower?

Only at my own house.

8. name 3 websites you frequent (besides BL)

Reddit
Huffington Post
astro.com

9. what is your favorite word? why?

I honestly cannot answer this. I like words and always have. If a gun were held to my head, it would probably be "Mariposa" which is the Spanish word for butterfly.

10. where is some place you have always wanted to go?

Where would I start? Out of places I have not yet been, probably Moscow or Berlin. Tokyo remains my dream, yet I don't feel it is safe to travel there at present due to the radiation.

So long story short, my opiate/opioid dependency and addiction has landed me into using Loperamide (brand name Imodium) in doses of around 100-125mg, crushed, and dissolved in a citrusy drink (to mask the bitterness).

It feels like an Oxycodone high for the first day (yes, day, I feel it for 18-30 hours) but days 2-3 I feel EXTREMELY groggy. It feels like a dirtied high on day 2 and 3.

This stuff comes out to less than 50 cents for a day's worth of nodding if you know where to look (please dont ask, as despite being OTC I'm sure it still constitutes sourcing).

And if you're in a bind you can find it at any local drugstore or supermarket. If you have 24 hour supermarkets even better. Only issue ends up being lack of money.

Placebo effect or not, I am loving this. My drug of choice was pod tea before. Now its Loperamide due its cheapness, accessibility. I could have a thousand bottles in a bag in my car and have zero worry about getting in trouble with the police (Note I am NOT referring to driving while nodding, and discourage such a practice, I mean transporting it).

I realize there is a lot of stigma and people who insist that NONE of it crosses the blood brain barrier. And I know many medical journals say as much. I am a man of science, but this truly works for me.

Also, if I hit bottom I can easily taper. Each tablet is 2mg. I have the luxury of tapering down by 2mg each dosing when I eventually break my addiction to opioids. Hell, even 1mg as the ones I have are scored and have instructions to cut them in half when administering to young children for diarrhea.

EDIT
Adding some hard data: Miosis (small pupils) lasts through Day 2. Urinary constriction is sometimes an issue but not always. My bowels are not regular but aren't clogged up to unreasonable lengths either. A stool softener and plenty of water counters the prolonged constipation, for me. For severe cases, there are opioid antagonists that only antagonize intestinal receptors, such as Methylnaltrexone -- thereby loosening your bowels without putting you in precipitated withdrawal like Naltrexone for instance.

Note that most generics of Loperamide tablets contain lactose so if you intend to ingest a large amounts of them and are lactose intolerant keep this in mind.

Onset is 2-3 hours when taken as whole tablets. It is 30 minutes on an empty stomach when taken as a finely crushed powder.

if anyone thinks of other questions, add them in the comments and i will add them.

1. what is one of your favorite childhood memories?
its not a specific memory, but hanging out at amusement parks when i was in middle school. for whatever reason, my parents and my friends' parents let us wander around by ourselves. we would meet back at the picnic tables for lunch and then go off again.

2. how does your life compare to your life 10 years ago?
ten years ago i just finished my freshman year of college. i was staying at my parents and worried about transferring schools. my major went from premed to undecided. i was pretty much fully supported by my parents and rather unsure of the future.

now i am starting a new life in california and still pretty unsure of the future. i thought i'd have a career figure out by now but i don't.

3. what does your wallet look like?


4. favorite pizza toppings:
normal: pepperoni
weird: prosciutto/bacon, black pepper and egg (scrambled or sunny side up)

5. list 2 truths and lie. people can guess in the comments which is lie

• i hate talking on the phone
• i want to get a puppy
• answering this question was harder than making the whole survey

6. how many email addresses do you have?
i think 6

7. do you pee in the shower?
sometimes. generally i pee before i get in the shower

8. name 3 websites you frequent (besides BL)
ars technica (tech related news), facebook, serious eats (food/cooking blog)

9. what is your favorite word? why?
frottage. it pretty much means to hump someone or something. i find the visual image highly amusing.

10. where is some place you have always wanted to go?
i'd like to go hungary.

i'm supposed to be cleaning, but i got on bluelight for a break and you know how that goes...

1. what is one of your favorite childhood memories?
driving with my parents from colorado to washington state for my aunt's wedding. i think i was 8. it's an absolutely gorgeous drive and we stopped at a few landmarks on the way. i'd love to do that again some day.

2. how does your life compare to your life 10 years ago?
i was a silly little raver 10 years ago. doing e every weekend and meth all the time during the week. it was fun while it lasted, but my body and mind can definitely not handle that kind of abuse anymore. i like to think that i'm getting my life on the track i want to be on now.

3. what does your wallet look like?

i took a photo of it when i got it, i'm a dork. :D it fits my personality perfectly though and it's held up a lot better than i thought it would. i love this wallet

4. favorite pizza toppings:
pineapple and feta. sounds weird, but they go surprisingly well together on pizza. i'm not a fan of meat on pizza.

5. list 2 truths and lie. people can guess in the comments which is lie

• my feet always tan but my back and shoulders always burn in the sun
• i'm getting a kitten soon
• i make homemade cat toys
  

6. how many email addresses do you have?
4

7. do you pee in the shower?
no, if i have to pee, i get out and pee in the toilet. i try to just remember to go before though.

8. name 3 websites you frequent (besides BL)
facebook, npr, livejournal

9. what is your favorite word? why?
spork! it's just fun to say

10. where is some place you have always wanted to go?
la fortuna, costa rica. volcanoes and hot springs? yes please! some day

edit: really wish we could use more than 4 emoticons in a blog entry.

Good morning, Dave. Hi there, Spork.



In accordance with the newly founded tradition of dedicating the lucky 7's of the year 11 to one male and one female through BLOG FOCUS TRANSFER (Hadooken!!), I hereby shift this blog's focus to two people who have taken so much of their time over the years and dedicated it to making Bluelight a friendly and wonderful place for all fans of Final fantasy 7, no matter their creed!






Thank you, and here you go!



That's right, an old school Blackberry in mint condition. It has the scroll wheel from times long past and is therefore an iconic reminder of how we have come in out personal communications devices.

its nice to see people posting/ commenting more

Today is my first day to entry bluelight.......
I am very happy and very sleepy...
Happy because today is friday; Sleepy because today is friday....

Hopeless days... wishin some dopeland fairytale prince would come sweep me off my feet and make it all better. *sigh* the bottle of hydro cough syrup that me from crying out in pain is now gone. One and a half hydro pills left. Anxiety set in long ago. What a nightmare.

im a jumbled mass of pessimism
a flying crate of melodramatic pies
too much too soon and not enough ease on the spine
i tell you this isnt what the brochure depicted
something inside me is like biting on tin foil
all muddled up in the roots like waiting anchors
if i could type faster i would
but that's all the more reason to start something else
i have new aches and twinges
these bone yard hands cant keep clean for long
tired locks of what use to be brown gleam with golden resignation
im only so fond of lasting forever
and luckily that was never in the contract
the prelude to false teeth will be glorious
if i have anything to do with it

I really don't want to get back on medications again but I think it may be necessary.

I've been clean for 9 months and 2 weeks but haven't taken meds in well over 2 years.

A part of me thinks I need to just ride it out and see if things improve by the time I get 1 year clean.

So what's going on with me to be considering an option I complete fucking despise? Very simply, I find no pleasure in anything. No passion. No nothing. I find myself caring less and less for those around me (whether close to me or just the stranger on the street). Fuck, I can't even write like I used to. Creativity, ability and desire has been gone for some time now.

I wasn't always like this.

I'm hoping my attitude/perceptions/perspectives change when I get back to Colorado. For the last three years Pennsylvania has been a temporary living arrangement. There has been no stability for me here in any area of my life so I am thinking that this may be a significant contributing factor to my moods and depression.

Maslow's Hierarchy, I suppose. I own my home in Colorado and being back in a place where all my things and stuff are centrally located as opposed to being scattered in two different storage rooms may help. No more paying rent in a place that leaks my neighbors shitwater whenever they flush their toilet will be a relief.

I dunno. I think I will give it until September 23, 2011 before I decide on going back on meds. This will give me 2.5 months to get settled in Colorado (the place I consider the 'Promised Land') and see if it is purely environmental factors that is causing this depression.

I know for certain that I will NOT go back on Paxil. Fuck that!!!!! It worked very well but I couldn't stand the side effects and the pain of withdrawal from it.

I've been learning a thing or two in my Psychology classes so I can make a more informed decision (in consultation with a trained medical professional) concerning a better med to treat my depression.

A part of me feels like a real pussy. I wanted to live life without ANY chemical assistance but I'm fucking miserable and have gone from a likable, personable, somewhat popular person to a moody, angry and potentially violent piece of shit.

Man, getting and staying clean has been the hardest thing I have ever attempted. I've done it before but this time, this time is MUCH harder.

I fucking hate this feeling of uselessness and fear

continuation...

I'm sitting in a church basement on Morris Ave. (Concourse Village East) in the South Bronx. My friend whom I stay with here in the Bronx is having a birthday party for his daughter. My friend is 50 years old, his wife is 42 and their daughter is just turning 1. I can't stand his wife and she can't stand me though there is no reason for the anomosity. I am told she is just a cold fish, doesn't interact well with anyone. Whatever...

Their flat is large enough so that I rarely see her. There are 4 bedrooms, a living room, kitchen and 2 full bathrooms and all he pays is 975 US! Still he struggles with it. They both work for the city but civil servants don't make all that much money. At one point he was given a part time job working with the School Custodians' Union. Head Custodians average 225,000 US a year and they control their schools. Principals must ask their permission to hold activities after regular activities. In fact that is where they met...

She had, at the time 11 years ago, 3 kids all under the age of 7. All were by different men, none of which was taking care of their responsibilities.

My friend had 2 young children himself, a girl who was 11 and a son who was 7, both by his ex-wife. His wife had dogged him out and he was living with his mother who helped him care for the children who he had custody of.

I warned my friend to go slow, but some people need to be in a relationship, which isn't something I can really understand. It is fine if it evolves naturally but...

About 2 months after they met my friend took his current flat. In fact I was the one who helped him move. The flat is on the top floor of a 6 floor walk-up, making the move difficult to say the least.

3 weeks after he moved into the flat she told him she could no longer bear living with her own mother and was going to move into a homeless shelter with her 2 kids, the third being raised by a relative. What would most men say if the woman they are sleeping with tells them something like that? Me? "Wow, that's a tough break. I think staying with your mother is a whole lot better then taking your kids into the shelter system but hey, of course it's your decision. Just be safe." Hahahahaha. Of course she expected...and got...my friend to offer her his home. "Just for a few weeks" said my good hearted friend. Haha again.

Anyway, if it works for him that is all that matters.

After a decade she got pregnant. One thing I CAN say is that the baby is adorable. Still, renting a church hall for a baby's first birthday party? You struggle with rent but spend 600 for a birthday party? I stupidly paid for it as my gift. Anyway I am spending almost 2 weeks in his flat so I can't REALLY complain.

Segueing back into my titled subject matter...One thing I will never get used to is umbrellas. I am just about 5 foot 8 in American terms, not a midget or a dwarf. Yet, each time it rains I get poked in the face by umbrellas. People are so fucken selfish. They not only don't think about what they are doing, they just don't give a shit. So I play the "Incredible Hulk." As I walk down the street I use my forearms and physically check the umbrella, BOOM, and stare meanly as it hits the owner in the head. I only do it IF the umbrella would have otherwise hit me in the face.

Another peeve? I purposely time my use of the subway to take it at its least used hours. I am not a fan of crowds, especially in the summer. Still, often when I enter a subway car people are sitting with their legs spread wide, bags on the seat and taking up 2 or 3 seats. I walk over, politely say excuse me, turn around, wait about 3 or 5 seconds and then I sit hard. I cannot count the number of times that I still manage to sit on some lazy gauche asshole's bag, or even their lap. At other times they angrily make the space and then when I sit they give me the nastiest looks, as if saying, "How dare you imagine you have a right to sit in 1 of the 3 seats I'm occupying!" Last week it happened again and the man was so pissed. Shaking his head he angrily got up and stood by the door. I took off my headphones, "Excuse me, did you by chance pay 3 fares?"

Him: (angrily) "What?!?"

Me: "Did you pay 3 fares when you got on this train?"

Him: "What are you, a fucken clown? Hell no I didn't pay no 3 fares motha fucka!"

Me: "Then what makes you think you can take up 3 seats and then shoot me dirty looks when I take the single seat I paid for?"

Him: "Motha fucka you better shut the fuck up, you don't know me."

Me: "Yeah, OK, killer. Thanks for the seat."

Him: "Motha fucken cracker must be out his motha fucken mind talkin' to me out the sidda' his mouth!"

To me, I don't care what a person says. It doesn't make me feel any emotion at all. I might as well be watching an infomercial for some inane bullshit, like the Flobee or Ginsu. I only pay attention to body language. I watch their abdomen, let the mouth does what it wants.

I will continue...

I am sitting in my fluorescent-lit hell, the Methadone Clinic. It really does amaze me how most people here act. It is without a doubt the highlight of their day. I watch them hobknobbing as if they are at a high society cocktail party. They really work the room.

I wear my headphones... Sony MDR-V700s,huge cups...DJ headphones. I do so for the sound but a great fringe benefit is that it is impossible to hear the noise around me. I try not to get into a "Holier than thou" complex but...As a human being many of them just may be much better than I will ever be. On how they let others perceive them though? That is another story...Maybe 95% of the clientele is Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican junkies have, for some unexplainable reason, incredibly scratchy voices."Papiiiiiiii,ya' got a cigarette I could buy?"

Most use rascals or whatever you call those little scooters, I tend to call them "cotton topped hover craft" but hey, that's just me. It would be fine if they were physically disabled but I have yet to see one who is. It is like someone screeching into a handicapped parking space in the carpark and then running into the store with vigour, the same annoying-fucked up bullshit.

There is a number system here. You come in, show your ID at the door. Then you go upstairs and show it yet again. There, if there isn't anything like signing paperwork, giving a urine sample, you get a paper ticket with a number on it. You then sit in a huge waiting area. When your number is called it will show up on a large computer monitor on the wall, telling you which of the 15 windows you will go to. However, there is always someone trying to get over, to cut in line. Why the fuck are you THAT hard up that you need to cut in line at a Methadone Clinic? Then, always, they hang out bullshitting as if they hadn't dosed yet. Why cut and THEN still hang out?

I have to say, as much as I prefer methadone over morphine I do not miss the clinical environment when in the Philippines.


On to a somewhat less stresful topic, only somewhat...Joysa wants to live with me. I explained that this just would not be possible. I can't take her to Mindanao, I live in Rizza's family compound. My marriage might be over in real terms but to Mindanowan Bisaya there is no way out. The Philippines is 1 of 2 nations in the world where divorce is illegal, Malta being the other ass-backwards nation. There is annullment but Rizza and I have been legally married (under Philippine Law) for nearly a decade, though in real terms we have almost 13 years. Annullment just won't work.

I could primarily live in the studio I sublet in Makati City in Metro Manila, only going down to Mindanao once every two weeks or something along those lines but I think I have too many commitments for that. I could also liquidate my assets on Mindanao, something I have been considering for a short while.

Joysa is 23, turning 24 in 12 days. That is another thing..."Baby, are you gonna' be here for my birthday?"

Me: "I don't know hon. At this point I'm just trying to tie up whatever loose ends I still have in the US."

Her:"I want you here for my birthday! It is my present, now you can't deny me! Haha."

Me:"Look baby, you know if it is humanly possible I will make it."


Here is where I play my trump card

Me: "Honey, tell you what. You book a ticket for me, make the reservation in my name and tell them I'll pay cash at the ticket counter within 24 hours. Make sure the One Way fare is less than 900 US."

This way she sees for herself that getting home in 12 days is no easy thing. Places the onus on her.

She's a great girl. But girls her age wants to make a family. She has said she wants to convert to Judaism, which shocked me at the time, but I don't know if this is right...How long do I have? Stage 5 HCV (Hep-C)...I haven't even told her I have HCV. It isn't sexually transmittable so as long as I don't liver with her (because of the risk from shared razors and toothbrushes) there isn't any reason why I have to disclose it. I believe though that its time to have that discussion...when she and I are face to face.

Hello everyone,

I'm a bit sad to announce this, but ocean has decided to cut down on her moderation duties, including those here in Blogs. So that means that we're looking for a new moderator to help keep the place tidy!

To apply, please send a PM to myself and ocean with the following information:

• Why you think that you would be a good addition to the mod team?
• Approximately how much time per week that you'll be able to dedicate to the position
• An idea as to how you might improve Blogs, were you a moderator
• Anything else relevant

We're hoping to wrap this up pretty quickly, so please have your applications in no later than 6 July. We'll likely have a decision within a week of that time.

Thanks!

Last Thursday, my bf came over because it was a long weekend and we were going out the next day. Only got 3 hrs of sleep as we were waking up early the next morning.
Friday - partied hard all day at this club (might have had some mdma in us)
Had a two hour nap Friday evening after some ghb ... the nap was INCREDIBLE ... then went BACK to the club to party some more
Friday night / Sat morning - was technically Saturday morning I suppose ... couldn't sleep at all ... got one hour of sleep ... it sucked
Saturday night ended up using 2c-i at a party and I actually had a really good time!
- so that seems like a fun weekend ... too much drugs but still fun
Saturday night, I slept for two hours. Sunday I didn't want to do anything but I had to go around with my bf to some stuff that he really wanted to go to. I wouldn't have minded if I didn't feel like crap. Between the heat, lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, and mdma hangover - I was feeling like shit! I ended up walking about 30 km that day too. Ugh.
Sunday night, I couldn't sleep again, only a couple hours.
Monday was brutal. I don't know how I made it through that day. Monday night I got about five hours of sleep.
Tuesday, I felt more refreshed after five hours of sleep. But by the end of the day, I was exhausted. Only a couple hours of sleep that night.

Okay, I know I have sleeping problems, but my doctor told me they aren't serious enough to be medicated.

I have done absolutely NOTHING of use this week because I haven't slept. Is this not ruining my life right now?

I ended up going to my parent's place today (Wednesday) because I needed a break. Just want to relax and hopefully get some sleep here.

Ugh ugh ugh... well this blog post is a mess... oh well, I just needed to vent