I am in purgatory. A few months ago I wasn't necessarily having a good time, but I had a few months wages saved up, a nice car, and a job. I got complacent and decided that that would be a good time to try heroin for the first time. A few weeks later I was put on medical leave for having an overdose at work and my barely manageable pill had escalated into an all out war on my savings.
Now, just a few months later, I find myself still not finding another job and out of money. My car is not gone but a responsible relative of my gf's has taken over the payments and the car is now in her possession. I am borrowing an embarrassing piece of shit that is a total cop magnet, and the stress of having fallen so far after a promising start in 2006 is making my substance abuse problem really the centerpiece of my life rather than just the cute sideshow.
In the past two years I have been to an inpatient program twice and the emergency room more than seven times for very real overdoses (and it takes serious fear for me to go to the hospital. There are many times where I probably should have but didn't). Strangely enough, most of these incidents were not chronicled on Bluelight because my posts that let it out when I am feeling the impact of it all at once are painful to read. I get delirious and I am barely able to send a rational message, and my physical shape if you could see me during these times would make someone who has known me for my entire life want to cry.
I have borrowed so much money from every different person or entity that can be borrowed from. I am very sad because my life is very sad right now. The stagnation is killing me. The bipolar character who used to plague my blogs is turning into a worn down mess of pure depression.
What's almost as depressing is that I've found out that heroin overdoses are not a pleasant way to die. They are extremely frightening and give me seizures where my jaw shakes so much that I am worried I will bite my tongue off, and my back contorts into a tight shape that makes my muscles feel like they are intent on bursting themselves. So the obvious way out is no longer an option because of the very miserable prospect of having a painful, wide-awake seizure and a heart attack at the same time.
These are supposed to be my prime years. In fact, when I was younger, this year in particular (age 27) was one I fantasized about as that golden point where I had matured in a career to a great extent but still had that pre-30's youthful bravado and idealism. I like to think that I still have the right spirit inside, but without a solid career it is hard for me to feel like I have any worth or any sort of impressive future ahead of me.
Recently, I went ahead and renewed a license I have hardly had the motivation to use until now - an insurance sales license. pathetically enough, I don't have enough money to spend money on food for a week out of town at a required seminar despite all of the other accommodations being covered by the company I could potentially be working for, so I am having to put that on hold.
Here's where the real character building begins, and it is not something I am excited about: having to take a basic job such as waiting tables or worse in order to survive, when I have theoretically already passed this point 10 years ago when I started going to college and getting semi-relevant part-time jobs and summer internships. I look in the mirror now and react strongly to what must look like a combination of fear and humiliation to other people - qualities no one wants to see in their company in a 27 year old. I'm like a child, and even though I've always known this it was easier to legitimize in the past.
Jones
.
Now, just a few months later, I find myself still not finding another job and out of money. My car is not gone but a responsible relative of my gf's has taken over the payments and the car is now in her possession. I am borrowing an embarrassing piece of shit that is a total cop magnet, and the stress of having fallen so far after a promising start in 2006 is making my substance abuse problem really the centerpiece of my life rather than just the cute sideshow.
In the past two years I have been to an inpatient program twice and the emergency room more than seven times for very real overdoses (and it takes serious fear for me to go to the hospital. There are many times where I probably should have but didn't). Strangely enough, most of these incidents were not chronicled on Bluelight because my posts that let it out when I am feeling the impact of it all at once are painful to read. I get delirious and I am barely able to send a rational message, and my physical shape if you could see me during these times would make someone who has known me for my entire life want to cry.
I have borrowed so much money from every different person or entity that can be borrowed from. I am very sad because my life is very sad right now. The stagnation is killing me. The bipolar character who used to plague my blogs is turning into a worn down mess of pure depression.
What's almost as depressing is that I've found out that heroin overdoses are not a pleasant way to die. They are extremely frightening and give me seizures where my jaw shakes so much that I am worried I will bite my tongue off, and my back contorts into a tight shape that makes my muscles feel like they are intent on bursting themselves. So the obvious way out is no longer an option because of the very miserable prospect of having a painful, wide-awake seizure and a heart attack at the same time.
These are supposed to be my prime years. In fact, when I was younger, this year in particular (age 27) was one I fantasized about as that golden point where I had matured in a career to a great extent but still had that pre-30's youthful bravado and idealism. I like to think that I still have the right spirit inside, but without a solid career it is hard for me to feel like I have any worth or any sort of impressive future ahead of me.
Recently, I went ahead and renewed a license I have hardly had the motivation to use until now - an insurance sales license. pathetically enough, I don't have enough money to spend money on food for a week out of town at a required seminar despite all of the other accommodations being covered by the company I could potentially be working for, so I am having to put that on hold.
Here's where the real character building begins, and it is not something I am excited about: having to take a basic job such as waiting tables or worse in order to survive, when I have theoretically already passed this point 10 years ago when I started going to college and getting semi-relevant part-time jobs and summer internships. I look in the mirror now and react strongly to what must look like a combination of fear and humiliation to other people - qualities no one wants to see in their company in a 27 year old. I'm like a child, and even though I've always known this it was easier to legitimize in the past.
Jones
.
