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off k-pins today, back to subs... got the pills, no strips in stock in town..


jesus... i really just wanna smoke a bowl of weed...


i created this blog to let my real feelings out... i guess i dont have any real feelings right now...

time to clean up i guess...

So, i have a friend from far away, she heard a song i made and liked it and we've been chatting...

I was very lonely, and out of the dark a message came, we agreed we were both in alot of pain.
we agreed that we just wanted someone to talk to and she suggest we simply take turns and listen.
how simple, how soothing...

she's being abused... i'm abusing myself... we both we're[are] out of control...

but now she tells me she's found motivation in my words, motivation in my song, and motivation to make change.
this inspires me beyond words.

its just easier with someone to talk to... all i'm sayin...

the point here is i should've been able to talk to my girlfriend/family about these things... however, i just don't quite rightly know... why... i cant...

i need a EIKO Advantage projector bulb...

spice!

I have been back in the Philippines for almost a week now and back on Mindanao since yesterday. The flight from New York to Hong Kong was uneventful, had to stop in Alaska again for a disorienting 20 minutes as they topped off the tanks and vacuumed the cabin. The airport in Anchorage is a bit strange. They have glass cubes of the sort you see in museums, floor to ceiling high and maybe 5 X 5 meters in area. Inside they have stuffed wildlife in natural poses. Nothing like stumbling off of an overnight flight and making eye contact with an erect grizzly bear as it takes a bite out of a raging moose. I will try and remember to photograph the dioramas next time I hit Anchorage.

Unfortunately I don't drink. China Air and Cathay Pacific, the 2 airlines I usually use, are very liberal with wine. Somehow I always end up next to grumpy, elderly Chinese men. I haven't met too many Chinese who can handle their liquor but at least they aren't angry drunks. At worst they just make a sour face and segue into snoring with pig-like grunts and whistles...that or insist on doing kareoke despite the fact that there is no kareoke on any plane I have ever been on. Me? I just listen to my various 4GB memoury cards full of music (each has like 2,000 tracks) or watch the various films they have. They say more and more flights will have internet available but to date I have only been able to enjoy it a single time.

Hong Kong is a great airport. Like Bangkok it is brand new and unlike Bangkok it has some great freebies. There are free internet terminals! Before I had International Plans for my mobiles I used to have to buy 10 HK worth of over-priced groceries to get 15 minutes of internet time in 7-11-like minimarts.

Hong Kong to Manila is 4 hours of nervously happy people since the flights are invariably filled with OFWs (Overseas Foreign Workers-Filipinos exported by their government on multi-year labour contracts) and would be internet lotharios arriving to meet their cyber girlfriends for the first time. OFWs only get home once every 4 or 5 years and lotharios? Well sometimes they have been chatting for 2 or 3 years without ever seeing the girl (I say "girl" but a fair number of "girlfriends" are actually Ladyboys, as cross dressers are called in Southeast Asia.

Joysa had taken a taxi from Pampanga Province, almost 3 hours north of Manila, to be able to meet my plane. I never travel with more than an overnight bag so I am off the plane and out the door as soon as I clear Customs and Immigration, usually 30 minutes or less since I am a white skinned foreigner. It is sad but if you are dark skinned you can be there all day, especially if you are a black African. Since China executed 3 Filipinos for heroin smuggling a couple of months ago the Bureau of Immigration has been fucking with Africans big time. Of course it is true that virtually all air-smugglers are run by West Africans but it is also true that not all West Africans smuggle coke and dope.

Joysa was waiting at the airport's pathetic arrivals kiosk, a cinderblock building with a Jollibee takeaway counter. Jollibee is the Filipino fastfood giant that sells soggy burgers (almost certain that they are half-soy) and a fist full of boiled white rice with every meal. As usual Joysa looked fantastic, and as usual everyone stared at us. The assumption naturally is that I am one of those would be lotharios meeting my Asian squeeze for the first time. We love to shock everybody by ramming our tongues down each other's throats as soon as we touch. Southeast Asians are anal retentive about public displays of affection though those in Manila are nowhere as bad as they are on Mindanao where you can't hold hands unless married. Onlookers are aghast imagining I have just met this girl who is groping me and won't let me stop kissing her...

We went to my studio and spent 5 days house hunting. I prefer to stay in Makati which has the only Jewish Community in the Philippines, as well as the Israeli Embassy but Joysa cannot get her mind around cost. In her home province of Bulacan, just north of Metro Manila, 20,000 Pesos (650 US) a month gets me a marble floored mansion with indoor/outdoor pool, manicured grounds, in home office, etc. 20,000 Pesos in Makati is a 1 bedroom flat with no utilities or a/c. My studio is the equivalent of 260 US a month, more or less, but it is tiny. I just used it as an alternative to hotels in my travels in and out of the Philippines.

For 5,000 Pesos (140 US) a month I can rent a 2 bedroom townhouse in a gated community in Bulacan, community pool, security, etc. Therefore Joysa has her heart set on a townhome in Bulacan. I told her that it must be far away enough from her family that we only see them once a week at most. Luckily for me she agrees whole heartedly but still, I don't see myself living in Central Luzon (Luzon being the island holding Manila, Bulacan, etc.).

I will continue this in a following post...

she threatened to do it for three days straight, what am i to do?
she was admitted to the er, and she talked he way out of it...

*this happened at an undetermined period in space-time*
i scored a bag, i put on some porn... i mixed it up, got to that special place, where the mess is made but hasn't been made yet, held my breath, registered, plunger down, shot a reasonable mess of genetic material,

damn...

that didn't feel nearly as good as i thought it would... i'd need an iv, and a helper, but this is just too far...

hedonism is one thing, and heroin certainly is that... but this is just asking for it..




so im sorry my blog has been "HOLY SHIT FUCK MY GIRLFRIEND I LOVE HEROIN AND XANAX" but... i dunno what else to say


i need a real job

im doing great as far as using go's...


suboxone saved me


too tired, will report back in the morning, just wanted to make sure everyone knew just how much i enjoy a good orgasm...

This sucks

TESTING 1 2 3 ....

I got drunk as shit tonight and laughed my ass off with all of my friends who have moved far, far away.
I am one happy panda right now. I wish it could always be like this for me.

Times are getting rougher, each day.
I realize, I should instead of seeing a mountain climb said mountain of shit.

Honestly, a year and a half ago I would have said no problem. Now, it feels impossible. Let's begin the dumpage.

Last year: Late abortion, car accident, a job that overworked me to the point where i self sabotaged and ruined the job that I was fiscally and emotionally very devoted to. More debt, these events catalyzed the destruction of my relationship. I then entered school, which was awesome, our condo flooded, putting strain on my ability to perform academically. Then, i fucked up some finances, more stress financially. Then i find out some horrible infidelities of my partner of 7 years... horrible horrible actions. Which landed me in a mental hospital, and I then moved back in with my parents in August of last year. Since this time, I developed a heroine addiction which i quit 3 months ago on my own, and my parents don't have running water. They cant pay the bills. Ontop of this, I apply for jobs, but hear no word and I am experience wise, very qualified. I am extremely lonely, living in a stupid town far far away from my home of 7 years.

I am at a very dangerous point. To myself. I am in a position in which I am very depressed, trapped, and have no means of helping myself. I barely sleep anymore and barely eat. I'm falling apart.

So I have been getting weird brain zaps and withdrawal like symptoms, so I went to see my doctor yesterday. We talked and we came under the decision that the Seroquel must stop, at least for now.

You see Seroquel is an SSRI as you might know and I have a history with epilepsy and she's worried that it might have inhibited something it shouldn't have (or rather should have but I cant HAVE inhibited) and those brain zaps run a good chance of being seizures of a very mild kind.

Hell not that they're mild to me, they fucking hurt and bothersome and are just putting me out of sorts.

So I've been off Seroquel 48hrs now, I stopped the night before the appointment of my own accord, not cause of brain zaps but rather I refused to take them that night and I stayed up all night talking to my girlfriend from Sunset to Sunrise

I've come to a conundrum, you see in my past my relationships were because I felt the need to have to date someone to either not be alone or the fad of it (as a teenager). Now that I am beyond all that pettiness I have come to realize that I might have thought I was in love in the past but it was just that I didn't want to be alone. So I really don't know the difference between that "need" and actual being in love / falling in love / etc.

Maybe that's why my subconscious picked an amazing person who lives 2.5hrs away from me that can't spend every day with me. It gives us the chance to learn about each other and have a real relationship (of sorts) and not fall into the trap of 3 step lesbians. I am definitely not a 3 step lesbian, not into that type of thing at all. Maybe a 2372463746 step lesbian or something LOL.

We started chatting May 28th and met for the first time on July 22nd, she came down a second time a week later on the 28th. We had a talk about what we want and we both agree we want a relationship, though that conversation was like pulling teeth on BOTH sides LOL 3 days ago and the other day we had deep convos about feelings and such. I'm not one for talking about cheesy stuff.

I am so out of my element/safe zone/whatev with this gal and I am fucking loving it. She is helping me get back to me, the me that I always needed to get back to, the one that is outgoing and not so shy. Who has a sky soaring ego and high self esteem.

Fuck, I'm sounding like a god damned Hallmark Card. LOL.

Things are good but I'm still paranoid about it all, its hard not to be. More so that she lives 2.5hrs away from me and we can only hang out 7 days out of 31 days. We are working on maybe a week visit or something.... "longer" was the key word but longer can be anything over 3 day visit.

Her birthday is on the 20th and I hope she can visit. Going to plan something special. Dinner at a nice restaurant, flowers, a nice walk, then come back home to some candles and massage oils and a calm set tone in the house.

I dunno what to get her for her birthday though.


So, if anyone can enlighten me on what is Love, what is falling in love. what is real.....

bah, I fucking suck. LOL.


She sent me these two songs:
http://youtu.be/mvBxmQ-P45A
http://youtu.be/gRZumd8uFZI

So I sent back:
http://youtu.be/_1VsthoCrRs
http://youtu.be/QdxyPYVBh5I

The night was full of cheesy mushy convo, and as always a blast.

What I really wanted to send was: http://youtu.be/C5G8jkkiiqY

.....but I chickened out.


I haven't told my mom yet, hell I'm not even OUT to my mom and brother yet. They plan on coming down to visit around the time my gf will be here.

..... well.....this should be fun......

I will be trying to break this weekend. i have been on heroin for over 3 years doing around 2-3 grams daily just slammend my last hit with 3 hydrocodone 10//325 pills and 1 zanax bar 2mg bar feelling great i know i can stop using herion but what would be a safe replacement for the high i would get from the heroin? me taking the 3 hydrocodone was not to mutch was it i wiegh 155 lbs and am 5'7" hello to all i am a total newbee here but not to drugs just tried heroin one day and liked it but dont want to go back to it. suboxian is not something that works on me.

I really think my gf melissa's uncle barry is gonna kick the ____ outa me. cuz he blames me for getting his niece on drugs. Just a proof of me saying this.....just in case.


No near friends. all family across state...wish me luck

I have a job interview today. I really really need it. It's minimum wage and part time but at least it will pay for more than just my rent (which is what I've got now).
Eeeeeee
I'm still nervous

Swim has a 20mg m. Amphet. Salts and wants to inject is it same as the 30mg tabs can the beads be crushed and prepared the same way

First of all, I hope someone read this, cause I really want to share with people how was probably the best feeling of my 25 years of life.

First of all, I have been doing drugs since 3 or 4 years ago. I began with "soft drugs" life Diphenhydramine (Benadryl), DXM, Tramadol, etc; after doing some connections thanks to the internet, I started doing Coke, lots of LSD, benzos, opiates, Ketamine (this was the best), and even IVed some drugs like Diazepam every night.

Well, because of my lack of sense, perforamance at work, and really bad fights with my family, my addiction began to slowly stop when I ODed on Xanax, alcohol, god knows how many seizure medications, and Quetiapine; yeah, I crashed badly.
After a day in the hospital with lots of IV insulin and oral Diclofenac, I somewhat managed to retake my life doing only "soft drugs". Right now, I'm working ok in my job and the relationship with my family it's going smoothly.

The nod
Today I did 2g of Gabapentin at work (around 2 PM) with food. When I came home, I did 2mg Xanax, 480mg Codeine, 1g Gabapentin, and 2mg Clonazepam. I ate some snacks.
Picture that I was playing with my PS3 in my room, almost totally was dark, and I was relaxed.
Suddenly, I start to nod BADLY, to the point that I had to stop playing and tried to stay "awake" browsing some sites, but the nod was so strong that I have no other option that fall to my bed with my headphone and listen to music while moving my legs and arms (specially my legs) feeling so much pleasure that my breathing was extremely slow.
I was nodding so hard that everything was sureal. I didn't understand what was happening for real, because I do drugs like Codeine, Tramadol, DXM, benzos, Gabapentin, Pregabalin, etc. every week. But never, really, never felt a nod so strong from Codeine, and did experience so much pleasure from the trip.

I really wonder what happened. It felt like I was doing lots of Morphine, my breathing was so slow and light that I think it was a little dangerous, and the pleasure -oh god, how I achieved this.

Thanks for reading and peace guys.

after shooting up 2 bags and eating 2mg of xanax i threw on some breaking bad (the DVDA of my world...)
too bad the episode sucked...

nod out...


6 hours later

LEO LEO!!!! WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!


KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!!

i shouldn't have let her in... but ofcourse i did...

"you better start explaining" regarding my 1,100 i spent... on myself...

well... i'm almost 23, you moved out and left me at the worst possible time, when i say i need space, i need some FUCKING space...


so then after screaming " I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT" for about 5 minutes, she informs me my mother will be here shortly

MY WHAT??!?!??!? YOU HAD MY MOTHER COME ALL THE WAY FROM WATSEKA!?!?!?!

DRIVEN BY A DRUNK DRIVER TO DO WHAT EXACTLY?!?! CALL ME A FUCKUP!?!?!


so no... my mothers shitfaced... oh my baby oh my baby...

i slipped, yea, i used, but... jesus... terrible timing..

my mother and i get into it... she abandonded me and had a terrible problem with cocaine, so i finally told her how much she hurt me..

im sure she knew, shes not dumb...

my gf is yelling at me for yelling at my mother (she lost her mother at a young age and just dreams of having a mother, whereas my mother is more or less crazy now, on xanax 24/7 and alcohol too, so i yell at her when she yells at me...)

i'm too angry for this...



I ASKED HER FOR SPACE, I SAID I WOULD CALL HER LATER, SHE HAS MY MOTHER COME OVER, AND CALLS MY FATHER TOO...

i just wanted space...

if she loved me, if she was concerned for me, she would have someone come check on me, or something like that, but no... she breaks my screen door knocking, demands an explination...

if you loved me, wouldn't you be happy i was ok!?!??! if you just called my father telling him i was ODing?!?!? for NO REASON!!!!

so, this pisses her off, and she swung at me, in front of my mother, they almost get into a fight...


she then runs off screaming "IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF"

I CHASED HER DOWN THE ALLEY TWO BLOCKS BAREFOOT, she thought she lost me, she slowed down, kneeled down, and wrapped something around her neck, i immediatly restrained her as i asked some on-lookers to call 911 as she screams

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!?! which is why i have the image of being abusive...


*heavy sigh*


so, she is still at large, and possibly going to kill herself...

i have no money... and i'm going to need some for my suboxone appt tomorrow, which only takes cash, so if my father does not trust me with cash, i'm going to have to steal it from somewhere... and i dont steal, so im gonna get caught...



omg seriously


just one fucking day!!!! without this shit!!!



please god please!@

it hurts so much
i'm on heroin again, and i love it... i'm crying so hard... my father found out about the $1,100.00 i spent on heroin last month...i'm back to 0 days clean...

and i just lied to my dear sweet grandmother, for her to bring me 20 dollars, so i could get a "prescription"

i dont know what to do, if i wasn't typing right now, i'd probably gbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbms.kd/gmmgsd/kgn

ok... i can do this

friends... those of you who REALLY care... i dont want to live this way...

i had a great talk with someone last night about Jay Eris Jackson, and how much we miss him... We both craved death...

i still do... and heroin, something which causes SOOOOOO much death.... well...
good god... if i could explain...

ok...



ALL THAT HAD TO COME OUT!




I'M SORRY, I KNOW ITS DISGUSTING...




But dave chappelle said it, "white people party on the edge of death and shit... like look at that, it's right fucking there, the edge..." paparaphrasing (paparsomniferum is the opium poppy, that was a junkie joke) my mind is sick...


i don't think rehab is a good option, i feel a job is... a REAL one... one where i can't sit at home smoking pot, or sit around a golf course drinking beer...



my 84 year old grandpa is on his way to bring me to go score...


i hope i'm killed before i take advantage of him again...


i do love all of my family deeply....



i'll write more after i shoot up... i'm saving it this time, gonna bring it home...

i wish i didnt have to go all the way to the hood...

Last night I did:

• 180mg Codeine
• 1050mg Lyrica
• 4mg Clonazepam
  
  
  

The drugs were taken with 2 cans of Red Bull.

Im feeling a nice soft pleasure in my legs 8)

It took like 4 hours to the Lyrica start working, my stomach was empty, so I don't know why.

I felt euphoric and pseudo opiated, however, when I tried to sleep, my heart was racing badly, I was having strongly CEVs, but however it wasn't so annoying for me, it was just very frustrating to felt my heart jumping so fast on my bed.

I had no option to put my clothes, go to the pharm (it was 4.30am) and beg for benzos. The guy controlled my heart, and gave me 2 2mg Clonazepam. It said "I can't give you more. This should calm you".

I returned to my home and already had the 2 Clonazepam in my system.

I went to bed and still felt my heart racing, but my mind was like.. not worried?
after I think 20 minutes I fall asleep.


When I woke up I was very euphoric and I don't know WHY, realized a LOT of things that were wrong in my life.

I took a pill I had, 200mg Modafinil, some Aspirine-Caffeine, and Guarana/Ginseng pills.

Then I went shopping, I cleaned my room, and im writing this right now hoping to do better from now on.

I think the whole experience made me realize that getting high on things like Lyrica, and doing it every 2 or 3 days was the most stupid thing I could do.

I will try to control my intake from now on, my plan is to take 200mg Modafinil in the morning before going to work, and 2 or 4 mg Clonazepam before going to bed.

I will do opiates only on weekends and control my pain in the week with Naproxen.

Lyrica CHANGES your brain, your intelligence, response, and speaking gets really bad.

Lyrica it is NOT for all, and it is NOT a recreational drugs.

...

So, I haven't been on Bluelight for aaaaaaaages!

Just read my last 'blog' - shame I didn't really keep it going - until now. But that one post show's me nothing's changed.

I'm on bupe maintenance and I'm fucking frustrated. All I want to do is get high, and I've been trying, but it seems bupe blocks all my attempts and I can't seem to potentiate the bupe either, am I ever content or happy?

I've been thinking a lot about methadone but it scares me and it probably shouldn't. I'm finding it hard to draw a conclusion about which opiate replacement therapy will suit me (assuming I have infact got a choice? - If my Doctor can prescribe bupe, can he also prescribe done?). How did I get onto bupe in the first place? I was fucking desparate and that's all I was offered, I didn't question it - I craved and reacted, did what my addicted brain knew how to do best - skip the thinking process.

So now bupe is doing what those long life, opiate replacement drugs are supposed to, give you a break, give you a chance to change your ways, including thinking patterns. So I'm thinking this through but with no definitave answers.

I don't know anyone reading this so perhaps this blog is just going to end up being for me.

pro's and cons re done and bupe:

pro's bupe:
I know it works for treating WD symptoms
I know the WDs for bupe are ok and managable
It's flexible in the way I can get dosed every second day
It's a partial agonist.
It's supposed to be more clear headed than done.
It's supposed to be more 'speedy' than done (also a con for an insomniac like myself)

cons bupe:
when dose increases, reponse curves and can plateau during maintenance, as is now - no buzz
At first I felt a nice buzz and now nothing.
It's not safe to use other opiates with because is blocks the feeling of them, so there's a tendancy to binge to feel something, which is an OD risk. Or you can experience precipitated WD from using opiates at the same time.
Can't get take-aways
I've got insomnia and it helped at first, but now doesn't
Seem to need an increase in dose every couple of months, this means I eventually get WD symptoms and the higher the dose gets the further I get from reducing and getting off completely - when I want to.
If I get pregnant I should probably make the switch to done anyway because there is better research re: done and pregnancy

Done pros:
Apparently you can get more drowsy
Increased dose = increased response
Can get takeaways
reliable and well research re: pregnancy (this is just incase I fell pregnant by accident - not planning to)

Done cons:
Have no experience with it, so don't know how it will affect me
'liquid cuffs' - meant to be very hard in reduction and getting off altogether
can't double day dose, like with bupe - apparently I will 'feel it' after 24 hours and be eager to dose again then.
Full agonist - feels like I'm taking a step back
not as clear headed as when on bupe (this can also be a pro though)

Even after this exercise and reading a zillion forums on what people prefer - it seems to depend on the individual. I imagine it's not easy to switch from one to the other and won't be easy to switch back again if I want to, becauce of precipitated WD and I've heard that bupe is never the same after done?

If anyone wants to share their experience with me - comment on this blog, I still feel the more I know the better before making this decision.

Ahhhhh the "New" Bluelight...I suppose that our lauded Administrators have never heard the American adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." They claim that there was a slow load time, maybe 3 miliseconds versus 1.5 or some such earth shattering issue but the fact of the matter is that very basic human nature dictates that after so much time an environment begins to appear stale and cloying. A more pertinent issue for me is the lack of a Mobile Format, or "Skin." When travelling, and even at home increasingly, I post on my Blackberry or Sidekick, though the powers that be do say that the Mobile Format will be added shortly.

Though I have purchased my ticket home, via Hong Kong, I am still in the South Bronx, or as I much perfer to call it, "The Armpit of the World." As luck would have it the city had a record breaking heat wave, 33 C (108F). I am staying in a tenement built in the early 1920s and so I do not enjoy central air conditioning but I have never lived in a place that had it. The New York of my childhood was one devoid of even window air conditioners. We simply used electric fans and waited for it to turn our way.

Israel was no different though today many homes have a/c in one form or another. As for the Philippines, in both the studio I sublet in Makati and my house in Mindanao I have window a/cs. Therefore I should be able to cope with the heat but interestingly, it almost pushed me over the edge. The heat index pushed it close to 120F (they don't give Celsius here in the States and seeing as how it is 430AM I am a bit too tired to bother with the calculations). I took ice cold showers once every two hours but then noticed that if I even exerted myself even a tad bit my heart would begin pounding in my chest.

I didn't experience any real pain on my lefy side, nor anywhere else, and so chalked it up to simple over-exertion in the heat. It set me back more than a little bit seeing as how I have always been very strong but depressingly conceeded that I am now age 44 and it will only get worse. Then I began getting it even after laying in bed for several hours and was terrified that I was experiencing an anxiety attack.

I have no experience with such things. I have never had any form of mental illness, or been under psychiatric care, but am well read enough to understand the basic mechanics of the condition. Even after the heat broke last week I found myself getting that same pounding. I even began looking for a Psychiatrist until I thought...What the fuck am I doing? I talked myself through it, just as I did when I went through a "Cold Turkey" withdrawal off of 220mgs. of methadone in 2007. In the end I was able to work through whatever was taking place, whether it was anxiety or simply the reaction of an aging body to excessive heat.

Anxiety and such seems to be more culturally specific, like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. I saw a decent film this week, on Youtube. "Restrepo" by the fabulous author Sebastian Junger ("The Perfect Storm") and Tim Hethington. It covered the American campaign in Afghanistan's Korengal Valley. The objective was to build what is known as a "Farm to Market Road," or "F & M," that would connect the heretofore isolated valley's residents with the greater world around them .

I will spare you the boring academic rationale for F & Ms and simply note that when such roads are built a combat element performs security detail. In this case it was an Airborbe Combat Team and they built a small firebase in an abandoned lumber yard. The base took fire most days and taking a proactive stance they erected a patrolbase on a small plateau that served as the opposition's centre of gravity, its rallying point so to speak. They named this patrol base "Restrepo" after one of their mates who had been killed soon after their deployment.

I found the movie interesting for a number of reasons. One very important point is that this is the position where an engagement leading to the first Medal of Honor [sic] awarded to a living recipient since the Vietnam War took place. Sal Giunta, of Iowa, was making sandwiches in Subway when 9/11 took place. He quickly signed up and ended up on that lonely promontory in Buttfuck, Afghanistan. On a night patrol his column walked right into an "L" ambush which is usually the most effective. It divided the column and his best mate took a couple of rounds. When the column regrouped they discovered his mate was missing. Giunta doesn't wait and immediately runs off into the darkness and comes upon 2 opposition (most don't realise that the Taliban aren't the only ones fighting the Coalition Forces) fighters carrying his badly wounded mate. Their end game of course was to hold him prisoner, torture him, etc., or at the very least keep his remains as a bargaining chip. Giunta fired his rifle and the 2 opposition fighters hauled ass into the pine trees, dropping their quarry. Giunta then ran to his mate and covered him for the 30 seconds it took before the ambulatory portion of his column caught up to him.

My first thought was, Americans are a joke. THAT won a Medal of Honor? That is just a regular day at the shoppe in the IDF. It sounds like dick sizing, "My daddy can kick YOUR daddy's ass!" but it truly isn't. We just have a much different mentality. For starters, if Sal Giunta was Israeli he wouldn't have had the option to "sign up." We all serve. The 400 US and change per week he nets even from Basic Training? Our first three years we get less than 100 US... A MONTH. To us it is simply our duty. It isn't sexy, heroic or even admirable. It is simply a fact of life.

My main thought though revolved around PSTD. Korengal saw 70% of all munitions dropped in all of Afghanistan. In other words, 70% of all bullets, mortar rounds and so on, fired in Afghanistan in that period, were fired in that very small valley. This sounds like a lot but then you find that in that Team's deployment there (15 months), AND the Marine unit before them's tour, a total of 5 men died (including, sadly, Giunta's mate). Success and failure is NOT measured in bodies but battle conditions are. In the IDF's first 15 months in Lebanon we lost, on a per capita sharehold vis a vis American statistics, nearly 200,000 soldiers. In other words, had we been the American Military, we would have had almost 200,000 dead soldiers, though that is an entire theater as opposed to a single firebase.

I have fought in 4 wars (Peace for Galilee/Lebanon, Intifadeh I, Intifadeh II, Lebanon 2006) and the only decorations I have are 2 battle ribbons for the 1st and 4th wars. The other 2 have no ribbons and we don't have but 3 medals, and they don't go to living soldiers. The culture is just sooooo different. All the soldiers thet interviewed back at home (in the film) were talking about suffering from PSTD, and all I could do was shake my head. Suffering from it doesn't make them any less of a man, it is just that I cannot understand a culture that produces such fragile psyches...and so these were the thoughts that I had as my heart sat in my throat...I am becoming Americanised hahahaha.

Where is your cell phone?
Table.
Where is your significant other?
Don't have one.
What color is your hair?
Brown.
Where is your mother?
Sitting beside me.
Where is your father?
At his house.
What is your favorite thing?
Mind altering substances.
Your dream last night?
Escaping from prison.
Your favorite drink?
Sweet tea.
Your hobby?
Video games.
Your fear?
Dying.
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Somewhere far from here.
Where were you last night?
Sitting in the same place I am now.
Something that you aren't?
Normal.
Wish list item?
Car.
Last thing you did?
Posted to my blog.
What are you wearing?
Shorts, t-shirt.
What did you watch on TV last night?
The 90's Are All That
Your pet's name?
Rufus.
Describe your friends?
Nonexistent.
Describe your life?
Boring.
Your mood?
Bored.
Are you missing someone?
No.
What do you drink?
Whatever tastes good.
What kind of car do you have?
None.
Something you're not wearing?
Socks.
Your favorite store?
Amazon.com
Your favorite color?
Emerald green.
When is the last time you cried?
2 months ago.
Who will resend this?
You.
Where do you go to over and over?
Home.
Five people who email me regularly?
No one.
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
Gatlinburg
Four people I think will respond
You, you, that guy, and not that guy.

Been sober for 2 days now. Feeling pretty good considering what I've put myself through the past 2 months.

Planning on sobriety until Tuesday/Wednesday, and then making my best attempt at self control. I said the same thing before and it didn't work.

I have faith in myself that I can change that this time.

My girlfriend was found by me (after she ran out of the house) on her knee's trying to kill herself, i restrain her, she gets away, i call police... i have no phone... i have net, make facebook posts asking everyone to help save the only woman i care about...

and the only response i get... is jerry, telling me to shut up, and quit bothering him, and abusing facebook,.,,
AND THEN someone i consider to be a friend... says that he is right, and that i shuold give her some space... when she doesnt have the fucking decensy to talk to me... after sayign shes gonna kill herself...

Basically my best guy friend and I decided to do this friend's with benefits thing. The only problem is.. I have feelings for him..now he has said that he likes me but isn't looking for a relationship. a couple years back we were on the verge of a serious relationship, when I turned him down..for fear of getting hurt.even after me turning him down..oddly enough that drew us closer. Again best friends for about six years... now that we have decided to do friends with benefits I am worried about getting attached.. (which technically I probably have in some way). even though we both admitted to liking each other.. why does he even bother trying to talk to me all the time..supporting me at my events..or even taking me out to a movie that he has already seen ( paying for it)..playing basketball.. or taking me out to ice cream( paying for it) anything like that..we we are just FWB? wouldn't it make sense to only talk to each other if we were going to have sex?