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after shooting up 2 bags and eating 2mg of xanax i threw on some breaking bad (the DVDA of my world...)
too bad the episode sucked...

nod out...


6 hours later

LEO LEO!!!! WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!


KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!!

i shouldn't have let her in... but ofcourse i did...

"you better start explaining" regarding my 1,100 i spent... on myself...

well... i'm almost 23, you moved out and left me at the worst possible time, when i say i need space, i need some FUCKING space...


so then after screaming " I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT" for about 5 minutes, she informs me my mother will be here shortly

MY WHAT??!?!??!? YOU HAD MY MOTHER COME ALL THE WAY FROM WATSEKA!?!?!?!

DRIVEN BY A DRUNK DRIVER TO DO WHAT EXACTLY?!?! CALL ME A FUCKUP!?!?!


so no... my mothers shitfaced... oh my baby oh my baby...

i slipped, yea, i used, but... jesus... terrible timing..

my mother and i get into it... she abandonded me and had a terrible problem with cocaine, so i finally told her how much she hurt me..

im sure she knew, shes not dumb...

my gf is yelling at me for yelling at my mother (she lost her mother at a young age and just dreams of having a mother, whereas my mother is more or less crazy now, on xanax 24/7 and alcohol too, so i yell at her when she yells at me...)

i'm too angry for this...



I ASKED HER FOR SPACE, I SAID I WOULD CALL HER LATER, SHE HAS MY MOTHER COME OVER, AND CALLS MY FATHER TOO...

i just wanted space...

if she loved me, if she was concerned for me, she would have someone come check on me, or something like that, but no... she breaks my screen door knocking, demands an explination...

if you loved me, wouldn't you be happy i was ok!?!??! if you just called my father telling him i was ODing?!?!? for NO REASON!!!!

so, this pisses her off, and she swung at me, in front of my mother, they almost get into a fight...


she then runs off screaming "IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF"

I CHASED HER DOWN THE ALLEY TWO BLOCKS BAREFOOT, she thought she lost me, she slowed down, kneeled down, and wrapped something around her neck, i immediatly restrained her as i asked some on-lookers to call 911 as she screams

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!?!?! which is why i have the image of being abusive...


*heavy sigh*


so, she is still at large, and possibly going to kill herself...

i have no money... and i'm going to need some for my suboxone appt tomorrow, which only takes cash, so if my father does not trust me with cash, i'm going to have to steal it from somewhere... and i dont steal, so im gonna get caught...



omg seriously


just one fucking day!!!! without this shit!!!



please god please!@

it hurts so much
i'm on heroin again, and i love it... i'm crying so hard... my father found out about the $1,100.00 i spent on heroin last month...i'm back to 0 days clean...

and i just lied to my dear sweet grandmother, for her to bring me 20 dollars, so i could get a "prescription"

i dont know what to do, if i wasn't typing right now, i'd probably gbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbms.kd/gmmgsd/kgn

ok... i can do this

friends... those of you who REALLY care... i dont want to live this way...

i had a great talk with someone last night about Jay Eris Jackson, and how much we miss him... We both craved death...

i still do... and heroin, something which causes SOOOOOO much death.... well...
good god... if i could explain...

ok...



ALL THAT HAD TO COME OUT!




I'M SORRY, I KNOW ITS DISGUSTING...




But dave chappelle said it, "white people party on the edge of death and shit... like look at that, it's right fucking there, the edge..." paparaphrasing (paparsomniferum is the opium poppy, that was a junkie joke) my mind is sick...


i don't think rehab is a good option, i feel a job is... a REAL one... one where i can't sit at home smoking pot, or sit around a golf course drinking beer...



my 84 year old grandpa is on his way to bring me to go score...


i hope i'm killed before i take advantage of him again...


i do love all of my family deeply....



i'll write more after i shoot up... i'm saving it this time, gonna bring it home...

i wish i didnt have to go all the way to the hood...

Last night I did:

• 180mg Codeine
• 1050mg Lyrica
• 4mg Clonazepam
  
  
  

The drugs were taken with 2 cans of Red Bull.

Im feeling a nice soft pleasure in my legs 8)

It took like 4 hours to the Lyrica start working, my stomach was empty, so I don't know why.

I felt euphoric and pseudo opiated, however, when I tried to sleep, my heart was racing badly, I was having strongly CEVs, but however it wasn't so annoying for me, it was just very frustrating to felt my heart jumping so fast on my bed.

I had no option to put my clothes, go to the pharm (it was 4.30am) and beg for benzos. The guy controlled my heart, and gave me 2 2mg Clonazepam. It said "I can't give you more. This should calm you".

I returned to my home and already had the 2 Clonazepam in my system.

I went to bed and still felt my heart racing, but my mind was like.. not worried?
after I think 20 minutes I fall asleep.


When I woke up I was very euphoric and I don't know WHY, realized a LOT of things that were wrong in my life.

I took a pill I had, 200mg Modafinil, some Aspirine-Caffeine, and Guarana/Ginseng pills.

Then I went shopping, I cleaned my room, and im writing this right now hoping to do better from now on.

I think the whole experience made me realize that getting high on things like Lyrica, and doing it every 2 or 3 days was the most stupid thing I could do.

I will try to control my intake from now on, my plan is to take 200mg Modafinil in the morning before going to work, and 2 or 4 mg Clonazepam before going to bed.

I will do opiates only on weekends and control my pain in the week with Naproxen.

Lyrica CHANGES your brain, your intelligence, response, and speaking gets really bad.

Lyrica it is NOT for all, and it is NOT a recreational drugs.

...

So, I haven't been on Bluelight for aaaaaaaages!

Just read my last 'blog' - shame I didn't really keep it going - until now. But that one post show's me nothing's changed.

I'm on bupe maintenance and I'm fucking frustrated. All I want to do is get high, and I've been trying, but it seems bupe blocks all my attempts and I can't seem to potentiate the bupe either, am I ever content or happy?

I've been thinking a lot about methadone but it scares me and it probably shouldn't. I'm finding it hard to draw a conclusion about which opiate replacement therapy will suit me (assuming I have infact got a choice? - If my Doctor can prescribe bupe, can he also prescribe done?). How did I get onto bupe in the first place? I was fucking desparate and that's all I was offered, I didn't question it - I craved and reacted, did what my addicted brain knew how to do best - skip the thinking process.

So now bupe is doing what those long life, opiate replacement drugs are supposed to, give you a break, give you a chance to change your ways, including thinking patterns. So I'm thinking this through but with no definitave answers.

I don't know anyone reading this so perhaps this blog is just going to end up being for me.

pro's and cons re done and bupe:

pro's bupe:
I know it works for treating WD symptoms
I know the WDs for bupe are ok and managable
It's flexible in the way I can get dosed every second day
It's a partial agonist.
It's supposed to be more clear headed than done.
It's supposed to be more 'speedy' than done (also a con for an insomniac like myself)

cons bupe:
when dose increases, reponse curves and can plateau during maintenance, as is now - no buzz
At first I felt a nice buzz and now nothing.
It's not safe to use other opiates with because is blocks the feeling of them, so there's a tendancy to binge to feel something, which is an OD risk. Or you can experience precipitated WD from using opiates at the same time.
Can't get take-aways
I've got insomnia and it helped at first, but now doesn't
Seem to need an increase in dose every couple of months, this means I eventually get WD symptoms and the higher the dose gets the further I get from reducing and getting off completely - when I want to.
If I get pregnant I should probably make the switch to done anyway because there is better research re: done and pregnancy

Done pros:
Apparently you can get more drowsy
Increased dose = increased response
Can get takeaways
reliable and well research re: pregnancy (this is just incase I fell pregnant by accident - not planning to)

Done cons:
Have no experience with it, so don't know how it will affect me
'liquid cuffs' - meant to be very hard in reduction and getting off altogether
can't double day dose, like with bupe - apparently I will 'feel it' after 24 hours and be eager to dose again then.
Full agonist - feels like I'm taking a step back
not as clear headed as when on bupe (this can also be a pro though)

Even after this exercise and reading a zillion forums on what people prefer - it seems to depend on the individual. I imagine it's not easy to switch from one to the other and won't be easy to switch back again if I want to, becauce of precipitated WD and I've heard that bupe is never the same after done?

If anyone wants to share their experience with me - comment on this blog, I still feel the more I know the better before making this decision.

Ahhhhh the "New" Bluelight...I suppose that our lauded Administrators have never heard the American adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." They claim that there was a slow load time, maybe 3 miliseconds versus 1.5 or some such earth shattering issue but the fact of the matter is that very basic human nature dictates that after so much time an environment begins to appear stale and cloying. A more pertinent issue for me is the lack of a Mobile Format, or "Skin." When travelling, and even at home increasingly, I post on my Blackberry or Sidekick, though the powers that be do say that the Mobile Format will be added shortly.

Though I have purchased my ticket home, via Hong Kong, I am still in the South Bronx, or as I much perfer to call it, "The Armpit of the World." As luck would have it the city had a record breaking heat wave, 33 C (108F). I am staying in a tenement built in the early 1920s and so I do not enjoy central air conditioning but I have never lived in a place that had it. The New York of my childhood was one devoid of even window air conditioners. We simply used electric fans and waited for it to turn our way.

Israel was no different though today many homes have a/c in one form or another. As for the Philippines, in both the studio I sublet in Makati and my house in Mindanao I have window a/cs. Therefore I should be able to cope with the heat but interestingly, it almost pushed me over the edge. The heat index pushed it close to 120F (they don't give Celsius here in the States and seeing as how it is 430AM I am a bit too tired to bother with the calculations). I took ice cold showers once every two hours but then noticed that if I even exerted myself even a tad bit my heart would begin pounding in my chest.

I didn't experience any real pain on my lefy side, nor anywhere else, and so chalked it up to simple over-exertion in the heat. It set me back more than a little bit seeing as how I have always been very strong but depressingly conceeded that I am now age 44 and it will only get worse. Then I began getting it even after laying in bed for several hours and was terrified that I was experiencing an anxiety attack.

I have no experience with such things. I have never had any form of mental illness, or been under psychiatric care, but am well read enough to understand the basic mechanics of the condition. Even after the heat broke last week I found myself getting that same pounding. I even began looking for a Psychiatrist until I thought...What the fuck am I doing? I talked myself through it, just as I did when I went through a "Cold Turkey" withdrawal off of 220mgs. of methadone in 2007. In the end I was able to work through whatever was taking place, whether it was anxiety or simply the reaction of an aging body to excessive heat.

Anxiety and such seems to be more culturally specific, like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD. I saw a decent film this week, on Youtube. "Restrepo" by the fabulous author Sebastian Junger ("The Perfect Storm") and Tim Hethington. It covered the American campaign in Afghanistan's Korengal Valley. The objective was to build what is known as a "Farm to Market Road," or "F & M," that would connect the heretofore isolated valley's residents with the greater world around them .

I will spare you the boring academic rationale for F & Ms and simply note that when such roads are built a combat element performs security detail. In this case it was an Airborbe Combat Team and they built a small firebase in an abandoned lumber yard. The base took fire most days and taking a proactive stance they erected a patrolbase on a small plateau that served as the opposition's centre of gravity, its rallying point so to speak. They named this patrol base "Restrepo" after one of their mates who had been killed soon after their deployment.

I found the movie interesting for a number of reasons. One very important point is that this is the position where an engagement leading to the first Medal of Honor [sic] awarded to a living recipient since the Vietnam War took place. Sal Giunta, of Iowa, was making sandwiches in Subway when 9/11 took place. He quickly signed up and ended up on that lonely promontory in Buttfuck, Afghanistan. On a night patrol his column walked right into an "L" ambush which is usually the most effective. It divided the column and his best mate took a couple of rounds. When the column regrouped they discovered his mate was missing. Giunta doesn't wait and immediately runs off into the darkness and comes upon 2 opposition (most don't realise that the Taliban aren't the only ones fighting the Coalition Forces) fighters carrying his badly wounded mate. Their end game of course was to hold him prisoner, torture him, etc., or at the very least keep his remains as a bargaining chip. Giunta fired his rifle and the 2 opposition fighters hauled ass into the pine trees, dropping their quarry. Giunta then ran to his mate and covered him for the 30 seconds it took before the ambulatory portion of his column caught up to him.

My first thought was, Americans are a joke. THAT won a Medal of Honor? That is just a regular day at the shoppe in the IDF. It sounds like dick sizing, "My daddy can kick YOUR daddy's ass!" but it truly isn't. We just have a much different mentality. For starters, if Sal Giunta was Israeli he wouldn't have had the option to "sign up." We all serve. The 400 US and change per week he nets even from Basic Training? Our first three years we get less than 100 US... A MONTH. To us it is simply our duty. It isn't sexy, heroic or even admirable. It is simply a fact of life.

My main thought though revolved around PSTD. Korengal saw 70% of all munitions dropped in all of Afghanistan. In other words, 70% of all bullets, mortar rounds and so on, fired in Afghanistan in that period, were fired in that very small valley. This sounds like a lot but then you find that in that Team's deployment there (15 months), AND the Marine unit before them's tour, a total of 5 men died (including, sadly, Giunta's mate). Success and failure is NOT measured in bodies but battle conditions are. In the IDF's first 15 months in Lebanon we lost, on a per capita sharehold vis a vis American statistics, nearly 200,000 soldiers. In other words, had we been the American Military, we would have had almost 200,000 dead soldiers, though that is an entire theater as opposed to a single firebase.

I have fought in 4 wars (Peace for Galilee/Lebanon, Intifadeh I, Intifadeh II, Lebanon 2006) and the only decorations I have are 2 battle ribbons for the 1st and 4th wars. The other 2 have no ribbons and we don't have but 3 medals, and they don't go to living soldiers. The culture is just sooooo different. All the soldiers thet interviewed back at home (in the film) were talking about suffering from PSTD, and all I could do was shake my head. Suffering from it doesn't make them any less of a man, it is just that I cannot understand a culture that produces such fragile psyches...and so these were the thoughts that I had as my heart sat in my throat...I am becoming Americanised hahahaha.

Where is your cell phone?
Table.
Where is your significant other?
Don't have one.
What color is your hair?
Brown.
Where is your mother?
Sitting beside me.
Where is your father?
At his house.
What is your favorite thing?
Mind altering substances.
Your dream last night?
Escaping from prison.
Your favorite drink?
Sweet tea.
Your hobby?
Video games.
Your fear?
Dying.
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Somewhere far from here.
Where were you last night?
Sitting in the same place I am now.
Something that you aren't?
Normal.
Wish list item?
Car.
Last thing you did?
Posted to my blog.
What are you wearing?
Shorts, t-shirt.
What did you watch on TV last night?
The 90's Are All That
Your pet's name?
Rufus.
Describe your friends?
Nonexistent.
Describe your life?
Boring.
Your mood?
Bored.
Are you missing someone?
No.
What do you drink?
Whatever tastes good.
What kind of car do you have?
None.
Something you're not wearing?
Socks.
Your favorite store?
Amazon.com
Your favorite color?
Emerald green.
When is the last time you cried?
2 months ago.
Who will resend this?
You.
Where do you go to over and over?
Home.
Five people who email me regularly?
No one.
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
Gatlinburg
Four people I think will respond
You, you, that guy, and not that guy.

Been sober for 2 days now. Feeling pretty good considering what I've put myself through the past 2 months.

Planning on sobriety until Tuesday/Wednesday, and then making my best attempt at self control. I said the same thing before and it didn't work.

I have faith in myself that I can change that this time.

My girlfriend was found by me (after she ran out of the house) on her knee's trying to kill herself, i restrain her, she gets away, i call police... i have no phone... i have net, make facebook posts asking everyone to help save the only woman i care about...

and the only response i get... is jerry, telling me to shut up, and quit bothering him, and abusing facebook,.,,
AND THEN someone i consider to be a friend... says that he is right, and that i shuold give her some space... when she doesnt have the fucking decensy to talk to me... after sayign shes gonna kill herself...

Basically my best guy friend and I decided to do this friend's with benefits thing. The only problem is.. I have feelings for him..now he has said that he likes me but isn't looking for a relationship. a couple years back we were on the verge of a serious relationship, when I turned him down..for fear of getting hurt.even after me turning him down..oddly enough that drew us closer. Again best friends for about six years... now that we have decided to do friends with benefits I am worried about getting attached.. (which technically I probably have in some way). even though we both admitted to liking each other.. why does he even bother trying to talk to me all the time..supporting me at my events..or even taking me out to a movie that he has already seen ( paying for it)..playing basketball.. or taking me out to ice cream( paying for it) anything like that..we we are just FWB? wouldn't it make sense to only talk to each other if we were going to have sex?

I haven't shared with you here in a long time. This is where we met, I know u know. I completed training in auricular acupuncture over the weekend. I wish you were available verbally for me to tell you about it. I still have your voicemails. I can't wait to re-record them. I still miss you alot. I'm crying now, unashamed, in the MSSU library. We'll talk more later! I'm getting a laptop!

Where is your cell phone?
table
Where is your significant other?
it's complicated
What color is your hair?
dark brown
Where is your mother?
Boston
Where is your father?
Boston
What is your favorite thing?
abandoned places
Your dream last night?
can't remember
Your favorite drink?
Pomegranate Lychee Pom
Your hobby?
modeling
Your fear?
being alone with my cats when they die
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
dead
Where were you last night?
home
Something that you aren't?
thief
wish list item?
don't have one.
Last thing you did?
texted
What are you wearing?
jeans and shirt
What did you watch on TV last night?
n/a don't have cable
Your pet's name?
punk and missy
Describe your friends?
my best friend i'm in love with, i have online friends, my other friends are drug connects
Describe your life?
unhappy
Your mood?
worried
Are you missing someone?
yes
What do you drink?
grapefruit juice
What kind of car do you have?
none
Something you're not wearing?
bra
Your favorite store?
crossroads. or buffalo exchange.
Your favorite color?
green
When is the last time you cried?
this morning
Who will resend this?
nobody
Where do you go to over and over?
goodwill
Five people who email me regularly?
my grandpa
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
past
Four people I think will respond
why?

i wish she'd call me back.... and everything would be back to normal. i am freaking out. if it's not one thing, it's something else. why is that???

Learning, practicing and strengthening my levels of patience seems to be one of the critical points in my mentality that I need to be on point with.

History reveals that I have a tendency to rush through life. Rush in accomplishing tasks. Rush through conversations. Rush through everything in a frantic attempt to get things done immediately and/or recover lost time. Time cannot be recovered so, different approaches must be made. I am definitely getting better at abandoning tactics, strategies, patterns and behaviors that have proven themselves, time and time again to be ineffective but patience is the key.

So, out with the old, eh?

This patience, though, it requires some sort of faith, or perhaps 'fortitude' is a more appropriate term. Giving things an honest try and sticking with the plan. Carrying on, knowing that inexperience disallows personal knowledge of what an appropriate time frame might be for me to expect results.

The past ten months yielded many results. Granted, I did rush frantically in some areas. Those areas are when results were less than to be expected.

So, looks like I'm just going to maintain a steady pace trying these new approaches.

Man, time certainly is a peculiar thing.

I know for myself, finding out my loved one had an addiction was like a slap in the face. It left me lonely, sad, angry and confused amongst many other emotions. I wish i could have gotten more advice from people that were going through the same thing i was. That's why i feel like anyone going through this needs as much support and guidance as they can possibly get, hopefully my experiences can help you too.

Drug addiction is a family disease. I feel like family members with good intentions go to great lengths to help their addicted loved one- almost so far that their efforts are often directed more towards keeping that “addicted person” out of trouble, rather than addressing the drug problem in itself. First off, you must learn the facts- FLAT OUT. The more you know about their disease the easier it will be to help them. We must also remember to refrain from rescuing our addicted loved one. Consequences are what led them to get help in the first place. When family members remove these consequences- the addict loses ALL motivation to get help, which obviously doesn’t help anyone. And whatever you do DO NOT support them financially. Addiction is expensive, and, in the end most often is burdened by the family.

Always tell yourself, NO ONE is to blame- addiction is a disease, not a choice so DON’T analyze it.
One of the most important things to remember when helping an addict is don’t under any circumstance make idle threats. You must say what you mean and do what you say. Addicted people DO NOT respond to threats- they have been rescued before and they do not believe family will follow through on threats.
Next, addicts are incapable of keeping promises- its a proven fact. So don’t expect them to. They may sincerely want to but their disease prevents them from doing so.

Don’t preach, lecture, or try to reason- its a waste of breath. NO ONE can talk an addict enough to make them seek recovery- they must find this within themselves in order to truly recover. Remember that only consequences are powerful enough to break the hold addiction has on their brain. Another thing, do avoid reactions of anger and pity. No matter how angry you may get there will always without a doubt be a feeling of immense pity following this. Anger is easily endured and manipulated by the addicts disease- so it’s never a good option. In addition you must remember almost undeniably the most helpful way you can better your addicted loved one is to NOT ACCOMMODATE for their disease. Addiction is a subtle foe and it will gradually infiltrate a families home, lifestyle, and attitudes in ways that often go unnoticed. Examples of accommodation include, locking up valuables, not inviting guests for fear that addicted person might cause embarrassment, adjusting ones work schedule to be home with the addict, and not taking vacations for fear of not being available for your addicted loved one. These things seem like they may require alot of hard work and commitment- and i will not glamorize it, because it is more work than you’ll ever know until you actually experience it for yourself. But in the end- it couldn’t be more worth it.


Lastly, families and friends must remember when helping an addict to recover, it is your job to focus on your OWN life and responsibilities. Families must identify areas of their own lives that have been neglected due to their focus on someone else’s addiction. It is important to reclaim one’s life or the disease will hold the family hostage as well as the addicted person. Take time for yourself, and come to accept that your loved one has a disease they will carry with him/her for the rest of their life. It’s up to THEM, their decisions and choices will decide if the rest of their life will be clean and happy. You must also accept you are merely there as an emotional support who can help guide them down the right path. The choice is ultimately up to them- and you CANNOT under any circumstance allow their choices in life effect your well being. Stay strong and smart. I did, and with that anythings possible. Good luck!
SLOW DOWN
CALM DOWN
DON’T WORRY
DON’T HURRY
TRUST THE PROCESS

Today I start on a totally "green" journey. Stop with all of the opiate "chemical" and totally go organic O. I just bought some seeds from a "Persian White" strain, and the "Giganthenum" strain. I will look for them in the mail in two days! I'm so excited about trying this for the first time! I will post my activities here as a journal and a reference for others. Until I get my seeds...goodbye.

It's been so long since I've been here on Bluelight. About six months.

I relapsed about a month ago.

I guess I wasn't ready to get clean. I had almost five months this time.

I'm not using as much as was, but I'm definitely using again. Sad to say that I feel "at home" with this habit. I tried.

Maybe someday I'll get clean, but that day is not today.

A girl got fired from my job today . . . she's a heroin addict, was asking people for money, got caught shooting up at work. Taking ten smoke breaks in a four hour shift is kinda obvious . . . I hate to judge another drug addict but at least I don't bring mine to work.

Another coworker almost got killed when with her, too. She went to cop and this other coworker was drunk (he's 17) and walked right into the house and asked to use the bathroom and the dealer whipped a gun out and told him to get the fuck out . . .

He doesn't need to be hanging around with girls like us.

Is going to the washroom. Freaks me out every time. It is like, you have to do normal things. Yeah you do it every day, multiple times a day, but it is soooo difficult!

I also hate it because I have to leave my boyfriend. And that scares me while tripping.

But going to the washroom is weird. There are lights and stalls and taps and figuring out what to do with the toilet paper is so frustrating! If there are sober people there, it can be even weirder. How about when you're camping? Outhouses while tripping aren't fun either!! I saw things coming at me. I hurried .

I try not to go to the washroom as much on psychedelics, just because it is weird and uncomfortable. But if a trip is lasting 6-8 hours, you've gotta go (most of the time, and to be "healthy"). Trips me out every time ... so weird.

can sombody give me some insight on hair folicle testing???

Today was very crappy as well as the other day. Health wise that is.
I was getting brain zaps yesterday and today it felt like i was going through withdrawals and all that shit. Just feeling out of sorts

So I flaked out having THE conversation this weekend. She referred to me as her girlfriend and then she goes "Oh sorry, what are we? Sorry for just saying all that" and I just go, "Whatever. Whatever you feel comfortable with." and so that earned me with a "Oh I guess we can have no labels for now, go with the moment."

me = *facepalm*

I think she's in love with me, and I just think I might be getting pretty close myself.

She's pretty amazing.

I dunno......everything is just out of my comfort zone but I enjoy every moment of it.

i know, typical emoshit... but seriously... i just feel like nobody gets it... why i do what i do... myself included...

like, Pavlovian training should get most animals capable of learning to learn not to hurt themselves... it doesn't matter if i know the outcome will be bad... i do it anyway...

pain

its just all pain...

all i feel is pain...
and frustration, because i'm causing MORE PAIN!!!

I really need to post a proper update... there's a lot going on in this busy little life and mind of mine. Until then, here we go with a survey, copied and pasted from animal_cookie.

Where is your cell phone?
3 feet across my desk.

Where is your significant other?
Working hard at his day job.

What color is your hair?
Golden summertime blonde. I got all the chemicals right; it's quite stunning without any gray.

Where is your mother?
If there's a heaven, my Mom is there. She died in 1996.

Where is your father?
He should be at work in California.

What is your favorite thing?
Adventure.

Your dream last night?
I am sure I had a few, but nothing that really sticks out. Side effect of long-term benzodiazepine therapy.

Your favorite drink?
At present, flavored seltzer as I'm on a health kick. Usually, Long Island Iced Tea.

Your hobby?
Writing. I've been keeping and indexing personal notebooks. I also obsessively read.

Your fear?
The unknown, in general - with driving as a very close second.

Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Happy and free of drama.

Where were you last night?
At home, alone after a long weekend out of town, doing Excel spreadsheets, and having an extremely awkward talk. Yikes.

Something that you aren't?
Definition can vary over time. I'm not disrespectful overall. I'm not a person who takes anything for granted.

wish list item?
Mariposa needs a new pair of shoes.

Last thing you did?
I sent a text message.

What are you wearing?
A very light cardigan, pink tanktop, sparkly necklace, green khakis.

What did you watch on TV last night?
I don't generally watch TV except for Hulu and downloads. I'd like cable, and may sneak it on housie within the month.

Your pet's name?
They are all feline and living the good life with my family in California. Neko, age 11 (Siamese mix, blue eyes, raccoon-type tail), Sasha, age 3 (ginger tabby, my little lovecat), and Albert (littermate/brother with Sasha, also age 3). I love them; alas, housie's allergic, so they live with my family.

Describe your friends?
The best friends a person for which a person could wish. They come from different backgrounds, ideologies, some are related, some are not. Some (well, many) are Bluelighters! All are in my thoughts and my heart. I am very blessed.

Describe your life?
A clusterfuck. I need to start doing my own filing and buy another cabinet. It's Monday, after all.

Your mood?
Also a clusterfuck. Personal reasons.

Are you missing someone?
I miss my mother. I'd like to hear her laughter when she was normal, which was not often. I miss my housie too. She's pretty cool even when she's batshit manic.

What do you drink?
Most of the time, it's water out of a Brita pitcher or a safe plastic bottle. If I'm drinking alcohol, it's vodka mixed with whatever or a Long Island Iced Tea.

What kind of car do you have?
1995 Toyota Tercel. Silver. Very basic. I'd like an SUV again, but I'm not willing to finance a hybrid at present. I hate driving. I have to drive to get where I want to go, though, so I'm going to run this thing until its engine dies (hopefully not anytime soon). Did I mention I hate driving? My little automobile is speedy

Something you're not wearing?
Earrings. They annoy me on myself; very stylish on others and on me at times. Just not right now.

Your favorite store?
Powell's Bookstore, Portland, Oregon. It's the largest independent bookstore in the USA. I never lack for perspective when I go get lost and read for hours. They won't be going out of business like these jackass 'overcorporations' and the people that work there are wonderful! They've gotten me all my texts in all domains, timely, and cheaper than expected. I'll go there anytime.

Your favorite color?
No clue. Probably clear.

When is the last time you cried?
Today. My right eye has a messed-up tear duct due to allergies. From emotions? Happy ones, yesterday. Sad ones, about a month ago.

Who will resend this?
I won't re-send this beyond BL. I'll guess that any of we regulars should welcome the newbies. I know I look forward to welcoming others to Blogs. I really like the process of others expressing their thoughts.

Where do you go to over and over?
Yosemite National Park. Family has a home 30 mi outside there. We can't go there in winter unless I'll get in a turboprop, which isn't likely, as the roads are impassible if the snow gets above 1500 feet of elevation.

Five people who email me regularly?
I'll keep this relatively anonymous for all purposes.

Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
London, UK. It's another home in many ways. Locally, probably anywhere away from my desk.

Four people I think will respond?
Many of my favorite folks already have; I'm late in the game and I'm not the predictive type.

Sittin' here bored. Counting down the hours until I can take another dose of methylone and feel something. I've already had 470mg's, which leaves me with 1.5g's. I fucking love this stuff so much, but it's so fucking expensive. I pay $140 for 10g's which isn't too awful bad. The vendor I buy from is out of town for the next week so when I'm out, I'm out. That's definitely a good thing...I need time to let my body readjust and level out. I want to take a break so bad, but I don't..haha

But anyways, I'm sitting here playing Halo Reach to pass the time and occupy my boredom.

If anyone at all would care to play, my xbox live gamertag is p8ntballa

Hit me up

1. what are three ways to win your heart?
Honesty, Loyalty and a good sense of humor .

2. do you like lightning?
I miss it. We rarely get them here, so when we do I get excited. I don't miss Tx Tornado warnings though.

3. have you ever cut someone else's hair?
Yes, but more like trims.

4. last person you said ‘i hate you’ to?
Eh. I don't know.

5. rain or sunshine?
How about partly cloudy?

6. last stupid thing you said to anyone?

Who knows!

7. biggest turn off?
Cocky people and liars

8. fave movie?
Too hard to choose.

9. would you date someone who smokes?

Yeah.

10. would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?
Probably not.

11. what’s your biggest turn on, physically?
Not sure- I think the personality will make me physically attracted to someone......That seems to shine through.

12. would you have sex w. someone you weren’t dating?
Probably not.

13. have you ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them?
Missed, yes.

14. have you ever dated someone more than once?
Yeah.

15. if you could go on ONE DATE with any celebrity, who would it be?
Alexander Skarsgard .


16. what’s your relationship status?
Single

17. do you like cuddling?
Sometimes.

18. do you hold grudges?
I don't hold a grudge, but I don't forget.

19. do you regret dating anyone?
Anyone before the age of 17, yes.

20. hugger or kisser? Style?
Style? I don't know. Both.


21. missing someone?
I miss Clint.

22. most important lesson you’ve learned from your exes?
I learned a lot from my ex.


23. are you happier single or in a relationship?
I don't know. I think I'd be happy in a relationship but I'm happy now and I'm single.

24. how important are looks?
I need to be attracted to someone, but again, if the person is good, it will show through into that physical attraction.

25. would you rather date someone who was SUPER-HOT or someone who was nice?
Nice.

26. do you stay friends w/ the people you’ve dated?
Sometimes??

27. would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
Fight who? Probably not- if someone is with me, then I shouldn't be fighting to be with them.

28. do you kiss on the 1st date?

I don't know.

29. if someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them?
Probably not.

30. some random girl comes up to you and says “who the hell are you”? What do you say back?
Um, I have no idea. I guess it depends on my mood.....

31. are you spoiled?
Not really, no. Though I am trying to spoil myself a bit atm.

32. name three things you would not tolerate in a relationship?
Well........cheating, lying, abuse.

33. which one of your friends do you think would make a good prostitute?


34. did you miss anyone today?
My brother.

35. last person to see you cry?

My mom.

36. Who/what made you cry?
My brother going to Afghanistan.


37. are you a forgiving person?
Yeah, I think so.....probably too forgiving.
I'm working on that.

38. would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
um, no.

39. i’ve come to realize the last person who gave me a hug…
was my mommy

40. are most of your friends guys or girls?
both.

41. how long does it take you to get ready to go out ?

and hour or so

42. how many people do you know of named Adam ?
None.....?

44. what was the last thing you burnt ?
? I don't know.

45. what is your full name?
You know it or you don't

46. do you worry about the size of boobs?
No.

47. are you addicted to gossip?
Nope

48. what are your favorite magazines?
The Mountain Astrologer

49. did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy/girl?
No.

50. did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Yep.

51. what’s the biggest turn on about guys/girls?

I don't know........Humor and intelligence.


52. what color do you absolutely despise?
I don't hate any color.

53. have you set your hair on fire?
um, yeah. It wasn't cool.

54. have you ever ran into a door because you didn’t see it?
Sure have!

55. have you lost a friend recently?
I wouldn't say recently but yeah-
I'm trying to keep my distance. I need to learn from my mistakes and learn to say no.

56. is it easier to forgive, or to forget?
Forgive.

57. do you give out second chances too easily?
I think a second chance is fine if it's someone you care for and it isn't something too terrible.
But I have limits.

58. is it awkward when you run into your exes?
I don't run into exes.

59. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Sure have.

60. is your life simple or complicated?
Both.

61. are you taller than 5′4″?
I am.

63. is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
Nope. It's dyed.
I was natural for so many years- I needed a change.

64. does everything really happen for a reason?
I think so, yes.

65. tell me something people may not know about you.
I'll tell you almost anything you ask.

Can anyone point me in the direction of a good doctor in SLC, or even Tampa since I will be traveling there this week? I am new here, so I am not sure how this allworks... Thanks in advance