Blogs

Where is your cell phone?
charging
Where is your significant other?
bbq
What color is your hair?
brownish
Where is your mother?
iowa
Where is your father?
same
What is your favorite thing?
kittens!
Your dream last night?
forgetful
Your favorite drink?
water
Your hobby?
reading
Your fear?
earthworms
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
content
Where were you last night?
home
Something that you aren't?
gnome
wish list item?
peace
Last thing you did?
eat
What are you wearing?
clothes
What did you watch on TV last night?
cops
Your pet's name?
azrael
Describe your friends?
fun
Describe your life?
boring
Your mood?
okay
Are you missing someone?
yep
What do you drink?
water
What kind of car do you have?
bus
Something you're not wearing?
shoes
Your favorite store?
sephora
Your favorite color?
blue
When is the last time you cried?
yesterday
Who will resend this?
someone
Where do you go to over and over?
home
Five people who email me regularly?
spammers
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
bed
Four people I think will respond
mods

so fuck it if someone recognizes me.

i've been doing speed for 11 years. i love it. i have no desire to quit. i'm lonely as hell. i have one best friend and it's complicated to say the least. why does everyone treat me different when i tell them? i am an honest person, i don't steal, i have a job, i have a good heart. aren't there others like me, in my area? i guess not. fuck it.

Where is your cell phone?
Bedsidetable
Where is your significant other?
Nonexistent
What color is your hair?
Darkbrown/greyingslowly
Where is your mother?
Home?
Where is your father?
Same
What is your favorite thing?
Ummmm...
Your dream last night?
Intense
Your favorite drink?
Water
Your hobby?
Whichone?
Your fear?
Irrelevance
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Dunno
Where were you last night?
Bar
Something that you aren't?
Skinny
wish list item?
Dunno
Last thing you did?
Exhale
What are you wearing?
Nothing
What did you watch on TV last night?
Nothing
Your pet's name?
Nonexistent
Describe your friends?
Diverse
Describe your life?
Mellow
Your mood?
Decent
Are you missing someone?
Verymuch
What do you drink?
Liquids
What kind of car do you have?
Nonexistent
Something you're not wearing?
Anything
Your favorite store?
Internet
Your favorite color?
Green
When is the last time you cried?
2009?
Who will resend this?
Bloggers
Where do you go to over and over?
Work
Five people who email me regularly?
Coworkers
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
Tofino
Four people I think will respond
Bloggers

I just want to kill myself. Every day I'm alive brings me closer and closer to doing it. I have nothing to left to live for. Sure, a few people would miss me but nobody would really care.

I would just be another memory tucked away in the back of someones mind.

Fuck it.

Where is your cell phone?
bedroom
Where is your significant other?
sleeping
What color is your hair?
brownish
Where is your mother?
ohio
Where is your father?
ohio
What is your favorite thing?
snuggles
Your dream last night?
panicky
Your favorite drink?
beer
Your hobby?
cooking
Your fear?
spiders
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
seattle
Where were you last night?
RATM
Something that you aren't?
goonie
wish list item?
smoker
Last thing you did?
awoken
What are you wearing?
pajamas
What did you watch on TV last night?
nothing
Your pet's name?
---
Describe your friends?
colorful
Describe your life?
peculiar
Your mood?
hungry
Are you missing someone?
yes
What do you drink?
anything
What kind of car do you have?
malibu
Something you're not wearing?
undies
Your favorite store?
thinkgeek
Your favorite color?
silver
When is the last time you cried?
yesterday
Who will resend this?
BLers
Where do you go to over and over?
beach
Five people who email me regularly?
coworkers
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
PNW
Four people I think will respond
BLcrew

and counting.

My stupid cousin takes me for a worthless drug addict. I hope she cries when she reads the mail I sent her.

Where is your cell phone?
table
Where is your significant other?
None
What color is your hair?
hair?
Where is your mother?
Pennsylvania
Where is your father?
D.C.
What is your favorite thing?
Dogs
Your dream last night?
None
Your favorite drink?
Water
Your hobby?
Weights
Your fear?
Failure
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Here
Where were you last night?
Meeting
Something that you aren't?
Tyrannosaur
wish list item?
Bike
Last thing you did?
Ate
What are you wearing?
Jeans
What did you watch on TV last night?
Tosh
Your pet's name?
sigh
Describe your friends?
nonexistent
Describe your life?
Peaceful
Your mood?
Balanced
Are you missing someone?
Yes
What do you drink?
Water
What kind of car do you have?
Hyundai
Something you're not wearing?
Condom
Your favorite store?
Macy's
Your favorite color?
Black
When is the last time you cried?
No
Who will resend this?
Dave
Where do you go to over and over?
Gym
Five people who email me regularly?
OneWord
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
Vagina
Four people I think will respond
Bloggers

Things are good here, the drama has died down. Unfortunately that means its got to the point where I start to worry, get jealous and second guess myself. Which is absolutely ridiculous....well I hope anyhow. See I even second guess my own thought process bah! LOL.

I don't know why I think anything of anything that will go wrong cause hell she even made youtube channel full of songs to me:

http://www.youtube.com/user/sogladimetyou2011

I dunno what to think but I am going to try to calm the fuck down and just take it one step at a time. Breathe, Breathe, relax.

Such a wonderful feeling, on the edge of this precipice.

The name you were given?
spork

Do you have a sense of who you want to be?
i think so.

Does the thought of your death scare you?
death doesn't, but what leads to death does. i don't want it to be painful.

Do you believe in reincarnation?
maybe, more towards yes these days.

Are you family oriented?
i think i would be if i had a different family. that sounds awful haha, but we're just not that close. i love them to pieces though.

Do you celebrate holidays?
some

Are you one to focus on what you want, and go after it?
if i really really want it, yes.

Are you listening to music?
no

Would people consider you, emotionally, weak?
no, i'm pretty good at hiding my emotions.

Are you, physically, weak?
embarrassingly so.

Do you believe every rumor has some truth to it?
i take every rumor with a grain of salt.

Do you ask a lot of questions?
i have them, but i don't ask them.

Are you self-centered?
i can be, but i think everyone can at times.

Are you out to prove something to the world?
no, i don't really think so. or maybe i am, but i just have yet to find out what it is i must prove.

Are you an only child?
yep

Do you have a favorite movie?
across the universe is one of my favorites.

Grilled cheese, or tacos?
tacos, oh god yes tacos.

Do you have a "best friend" or several close friends?
i have 3 soul sisters. when we're together, magic happens.

Is there one person you confide in?
i confide in different people for different things.

Are you confident?
working on it

Would people consider you 'cocky'?
i don't think so.

Do you have a favorite song?
i have several songs that i love, but not really a favorite that comes to mind.

Do you cuss often?
not as much as i used to

Have you ever felt left out?
perpetually.

Do you do your best?
if i really believe in what i'm doing.

Do you give in easily?
yeah, probably too often

Can you walk a straight line, not using your arms to balance yourself?
not if i'm trying to. definitely not.

Do people approve of you?
some do, some don't. whether they do or don't is their own problem.

Are you good with parents?
no, not really. i'm awkward with most people, but i do well with little kids. they don't judge.

Do things really get better in time?
YES

Can you play any musical instruments?
i played the clarinet in school. i got it back from my parents a couple years ago and just need to buy some reeds for it and see if i still got it.

Do you tend to be in the middle of drama often?
i try not to be, but it happens sometimes.

If so, do you think you may bring it on yourself?
sometimes.

Ever been in denial about anything?
haven't we all?

Is there someone you can tell everything to, and they love you anyways?
i think there are a few, but i don't tell anyone everything so who really knows...i might be in denial about that one

Have you made a lot of mistakes?
yes

Do you learn from your mistakes, or do the same thing time and time again?
i learn eventually.

Ever felt like no one understood you?
way too often.

Do you believe in being weak, in order to become strong?
yes, life has a way of tearing you down to build you back up.

Do you ever "baby talk"?
yep, i love my azibear.

Are you willing to help someone, who wouldn't help you?
yes

Do you judge people because of their pasts?
it depends on how distant their past is and the circumstances. i try not to.

Ever felt like it was you against the world?
uh-huh

Is there a difference in being in love, and loving someone?
yes. i love a lot of people and in different ways, but i've only truly been in love a few times.

Stopped using methylone 2 days ago. I've been sleeping since. I just can't stay awake.

Where is your cell phone?
Coffeetable
Where is your significant other?
None
What color is your hair?
Black
Where is your mother?
Kitchen
Where is your father?
Work
What is your favorite thing?
Nature
Your dream last night?
Nice
Your favorite drink?
Water
Your hobby?
Astrology
Your fear?
Mice
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Happy
Where were you last night?
Home
Something that you aren't?
Liar
wish list item?
Trip
Last thing you did?
Type
What are you wearing?
Pjs
What did you watch on TV last night?
Movie
Your pet's name?
Buttons
Describe your friends?
Awesoe
Describe your life?
Good
Your mood?
Okay
Are you missing someone?
Yes
What do you drink?
Depends
What kind of car do you have?
Galant
Something you're not wearing?
bra
Your favorite store?
Sephora
Your favorite color?
Blue
When is the last time you cried?
Unsure
Who will resend this?
You
Where do you go to over and over?
Work
Five people who email me regularly?
Email?
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
Beach
Four people I think will respond
People

fuck me, seriously, i need it... in one way shape or form... i want to be fucked constantly... i try my hardest to screw myself over at every turn, and i don't know why...

i'm seriously craving herion today... but thanks to suboxone it will not work... even if i scored, slammed, nothing...

and thats frustrating... i have a facial injury, its not that bad, but i'm using it as an excuse...

and that is bad...

i scored... not what you think, the mean, green... take my pain away...

time for the rituatal... *change bongwater, pack, cough smile*


ugh...

So, my question refers to reality. How do we confirm what is real? How do we decipher imagination from reality?
I guess the answer begins with a thought, and then we decipher whether it is real or fiction. many times our brains do this automatically, but how does the brain know?
The best answer i can come up with is through conditioning. Either through visual confirmation or what we call common sense, and as long as everything remains consistant, then we can develop a full understanding of reality vs. fiction.
but what happens when we trip? we can see patterns and lights and trails and walls breathing and melting. A metalic like coating on everything that seems to flow like liquid, and so on and so on.
Our brains have thoughts that are un-fathumable without the help of psycedelics. And over time, the conditioning i referred to earlier, concludes that this "trip" is just that, a trip, completely against what we know as reality, and therefore we call the visuals "hallucinations" and the thoughts we have are completly fiction and only a side effect of the brains reaction to the drug.
Think about someone with very bad vision. Their reality is blurry, they may not be able to see things when they are far or close, but they use glasses to bring them to the most commonly seen reality. But the eye glasses are only a tool to allow that individual to see better.
So why do we not attribute the visual things in which we see when tripping and the thoughts we have while tripping, to a different reality, or a fuller reality, but none the less reality. The trails and colors and metalic coating on the walls and deep deep thoughts are really there, and do really exist. It is only under the influence of psycedelic drugs that we are able to see that reality, just like the person with bad vision needs glasses to see reality differently. The energy within us is all the same, and through time we put up mental walls that shape that energy into the individual and psycedelics break down those walls and allows us to be, and think, and see, as that raw form of energy. Without those walls forming our energy to boil down everything to make it a consistant and simple version of reality, then we wouldn't need psycedelics and life would revolve around maintaining our existance as humans, and recognizing our one-ness with earth, therefore we would treat our planet and one another the way it and they should should. So, what is reality, and is there such a thing? or are we forced and conditioned to view such a wrong and different reality, but conditioned for so long that the actual reality, th and was ment to be, is actually more commonly reffered to as fiction, and against reality? outcast and called creazy....have we gone to far?
Maybe not, but it is sure fun to think about.....

What a nice day today to celebrate my birthday,
I woke up hungover but very happy,
will post pics tomorrow.
Have to post more than 4 lines too.
Have a nice day!

http://luirig.altervista.org/cpm/alb...ver-rhoeas.jpg

Papaver Rhoeas. The red corn poppy.
After an unsuccessful start on Citalopram, (which gave me insomnia) which i still had after taking,
I decided to give these a try.

I pick the petals, Then air dry for 3 - 5 days.
Instructions:
Pick petals on a HOT SUNNY DAY
Use dry petals, Approx half a teaspoon, then work your way up (if necessary) To 2 teaspoons of dried petals.
Put them in an empty tea bag or strainer.
Infuse with boiling hot water for 15 minutes.
Add Strawberry or normal Ribena , And enjoy


Quote from a Forums:

Actually Papaver Rhoeas contains an alkaloid in the petals called Rhoeadine, which can aide in sleep but doesn't induce euphoria, I'll have to dig through some sites to find the link to the story about it... I remember the story said something about Mothers taking 'Corn Poppies' and making tea with them to help put their children to sleep in the 40's and 50's. My father has had luck with them as an alternative to Benzos as a sleep aide.
Corn Poppy

*Note this*

In that picture you will see that there is like a Dark purple cross in the center of that poppy. Apparantly these are mutations that have formed over time.

http://www.aphotoflora.com/images/pa...r_10-06-04.jpg

Seee, not all of them have them.
Make sure you dont pick Papaver Somniferum!


Apparantly the petals contain a trace amount of morphine

The name you were given?
OverEasy

Do you have a sense of who you want to be?
yes

Does the thought of your death scare you?
No, but the thought and the reality are quite different. I remember flopping on the floor from coke overdoses and being terrified of dying. So, I say 'no' but I really can't answer until I re-experience a potentially deadly situation

Do you believe in reincarnation?
Yes and no. I would like those who are purely good (specifically, my friend Shaman) to live in some ethereal utopia of perfection and perpetual happiness

Are you family oriented?
No

Do you celebrate holidays?
No

Are you one to focus on what you want, and go after it?
Yes, but sometimes what I want isn't necessarily good for me

Are you listening to music?
Nope. BBC America on TV

Would people consider you, emotionally, weak?
If they really knew me yes but most think I am strong/cold/practical

Are you, physically, weak?
no

Do you believe every rumor has some truth to it?
I heard a rumor that some dude built a boat and managed to get two of every species on it and managed to have them successfully co-habitate

Do you ask a lot of questions?
Yes. I always have

Are you self-centered?
Yeah, all addicts are but I'm working on it

Are you out to prove something to the world?
Yes. That I ain't that piece of shit everyone treated me like when I was little

Are you an only child?
No. Two older brothers. One living, one dead

Do you have a favorite movie?
Not at the moment

Grilled cheese, or tacos?
Tacos but my diet has changed significantly so I don't see them in my immediate future

Do you have a "best friend" or several close friends?
No. No.

Is there one person you confide in?
No

Are you confident?
Sometimes

Would people consider you 'cocky'?
At times

Do you have a favorite song?
Many.
High School Dance is a particular fave

Do you cuss often?
Yeah, what can ya do

Have you ever felt left out?
Haha! Hell yeah

Do you do your best?
Most of the times but I tend to over do things (see a correlation?)

Do you give in easily?
Depends. Not if I feel strongly about something

Can you walk a straight line, not using your arms to balance yourself?
What, like one foot in front of another DUI style? Haven't tried

Do people approve of you?
I guess so. Often enough people look at me in a strange way

Are you good with parents?
People's parents love me

Do things really get better in time?
Absolutely. Time brings perspective and clearer revelations of initially troublesome areas

Can you play any musical instruments?
no

Do you tend to be in the middle of drama often?
I don't have time for nonsense

If so, do you think you may bring it on yourself?
I like vagina %)

Ever been in denial about anything?
ha! Yes

Is there someone you can tell everything to, and they love you anyways?
No

Have you made a lot of mistakes?
Many

Do you learn from your mistakes, or do the same thing time and time again?
I'm learning as I grow

Ever felt like no one understood you?
Yes

Do you believe in being weak, in order to become strong?
Yes. That's only logical. Things start off weak and then grow strong with continued use

Do you ever "baby talk"?
Not since my dog passed

Are you willing to help someone, who wouldn't help you?
Yes

Do you judge people because of their pasts?
I have no room to talk. Hopefully we change in time

Ever felt like it was you against the world?
Yes

Is there a difference in being in love, and loving someone?
I don't like this question because it makes me think that perhaps I was never 'in love' or no one was ever really 'in love' with me so yeah... there's a difference

The name you were given? ______________ ______________

Do you have a sense of who you want to be? A sense, yes.

Does the thought of your death scare you? Am I Afraid of death before I'm ready, yes. In 20 years or more? No.

Do you believe in reincarnation? For sure.

Are you family oriented? Yes.

Do you celebrate holidays? Holidays, yes. For Christian holiday reasons? No.

Are you one to focus on what you want, and go after it? Hmmmm, yeah.....I think I am.

Are you listening to music? Actually, no. I took my headphones off just a few minutes ago b/c my ears hurt from wearing headphones almost all day everyday.

Would people consider you, emotionally, weak? Some might.

Are you, physically, weak? Some would say yes.

Do you believe every rumor has some truth to it? Psh, no.

Do you ask a lot of questions? hahah Yeah. I am a curious person. And if I don't know something, I ask b/c I want to know.

Are you self-centered? I fear I am becoming that way. I was selfless for too long and am worrying that my new bestie might think I talk about myself too much

Are you out to prove something to the world? No.

Are you an only child? Nope.

Do you have a favorite movie? I have about ten of them.

Grilled cheese, or tacos? Depends on the mood.

Do you have a "best friend" or several close friends? Both.

Is there one person you confide in? Yes.

Are you confident? Not really.

Would people consider you 'cocky'? What is funny is that some would and have said I am.....but if you know me- you tell me? :D (I'm not.)

Do you have a favorite song? I have several but if I had to choose a favorite as the most impactful in my life, I would choose Strange Fruit.

Do you cuss often? Fuck yes I do. I'm trying to stop that shit.

Have you ever felt left out? Sure! Who hasn't?

Do you do your best? Yes.

Do you give in easily? Working on this.

Can you walk a straight line, not using your arms to balance yourself? Haven't tried in a while but I doubt it.

Do people approve of you? Guess you'd have to ask people.

Are you good with parents?Actually, yeah. I am. Which is pretty great.

Do things really get better in time?Yes. They do.

Can you play any musical instruments? Hell no. I have no talents.

Do you tend to be in the middle of drama often? I try to avoid drama.

If so, do you think you may bring it on yourself? No???

Ever been in denial about anything? Yes.

Is there someone you can tell everything to, and they love you anyways? Yes. My Clint will always love me.
I try to only have friendships that are meaningful and involve no judgment.

Have you made a lot of mistakes? Yep!

Do you learn from your mistakes, or do the same thing time and time again? I have repeated the same mistakes before- but I am learning.

Ever felt like no one understood you? Yes, many times. And then most recently when I felt that way, I met a kindred Spirit.

Do you believe in being weak, in order to become strong?
I don't see things as weak to become stronger but do believe there is strength in knowing when to let things go, choosing your battles wisely, letting someone believe they are "stronger" if need be. (if that makes any friggin' sense)

Do you ever "baby talk"? Yes! I have a baby kitty who needs me to baby talk her!

Are you willing to help someone, who wouldn't help you? Yes.

Do you judge people because of their pasts? No. I try to not judge people- and while I can't claim to be innocent of that always, I usually don't judge on a past....I catch myself judging people on occasion on the present. (This sounds bad but I am thinking of a little clique of girls inparticular I have recently caught myself judging )

Ever felt like it was you against the world? Sure....

Is there a difference in being in love, and loving someone? Absolutely. Both are beautiful and powerful.

I've been faced with this question many many times. Too many to count.
Recently I sat down and really thought about it though, and in my pondering I figured out that the reason I still use drugs is because they allow me to be open and tell people how I really feel. This is something I've always had trouble with, sober. But when I take substances like MDMA or LSD I lose all inhibitions and can talk openly about things that are bothering me and tell people how I feel about them.

I've been struggling with quitting drugs for a while now, but I think that now that I have a good idea of why I still use, I know what I need to work on in order to get clean once and for all. It's gonna be a lot of work and it definitely won't be easy but the challenge is something I'm looking forward to tackling.

... and tis' not a good time.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/583588-Dealing-with-Guilt-A-Friend-s-Death:(

So... now I sit here again, three years later, on the deck of my home outside my bedroom.

I thought I would suffer until death as a useless coke fiend but that script got flipped and I ain't that guy anymore.

Within the past 309 days I have made many positive changes. Am I bragging about them? Fuck no. I am proud of the progress born of my effort but I have had a great deal of support. If I don't put things in the proper perspective than I can put myself in a mindset of hopelessness and self-pity. I ain't having any of that nonsense. Not today.

I had lost a significant amount of weight as a result of the lifestyle I was living so I wanted to take advantage of that and create some sort of positive out of the negative. I began exercising the very first day of getting clean. At first, it was merely push ups, pull-ups, chin-ups and crunches. After four months of that, it wasn't good enough. I joined a gym. I began working out everyday at the gym (even on the days I didn't want to).

I adjusted my diet and eventually put down the cigarettes. I haven't had nicotine in my system for over 16 weeks. I would say WELL over 16 weeks but I really don't know when the exact day (or month) it was that I quit.

I enrolled in the Human Services Addictions program at the local community college.

I was real nervous about school so I approached it carefuly. I only took one class, 'Intro To Psychology' because I knew my history with school and it was still early in the game of this new drug free lifestyle.

I got an A in that class.

Summer Sessions at school began so I took two more classes which ran for 6 'intensive' weeks. I enrolled in Abnormal nPsychology (I got a B in that class) and Intro To Sociology (I got an A in that).

So, I had successfully earned 9 college credits in about 4 and a half months. Not too bad as far as I'm concerned.

I had a plan. I would be qualified to work in the mental health/addictions field at a low level within a year and a half. This was exciting to me and I had gained some momentum and motivation to keep things moving.

During this time I was working at another pizzeria as well as helping my dad with his side business. Through working with him, I seemed to gain his respect on some level.

I remember the day dude OD'd at my apartment. After that my dad called me a retard and said I had mental problems. Now he comes to me whenever he has a problem with his home network.

My lease at my shitty apartment was about to run out and, the tenant that was renting from me (really my parents) in Colorado was moving out. This was an opportunity.

I grabbed a dude I know, rented a 20 foot Uhaul, attached my car to the back and we made the 32 hour drive back to what I consider 'the promised land' and home.

I feel at peace again. I'm on my own out here so I have no room for error so I can't be fucking around with stupid shit.

They do the 12 Step thing out here a lot different than what I'm used to and I like it. They are much more laid back and focused on selfless service to others.

I dug into the 12 Step thing big time. I'm currently on a couple of service committees and will be checking out my town's Human Services Task Force to get involved with working with the homeless and working poor.

I feel off kilter without having a full time job. I need the security, routine and income desperately. All things in time though. As long as I apply the effort with consistency, commitment and discipline, I'll be okay.

Thins certainly have changed drastically within the last 309 days. It seems like a lifetime but its only been a mere 10 months.

Life is a funny thing...

current view:

Can you snort pregabalin (Lyrica)?

IM pretty nice on what I have already taken but...

So, Nifty didn't know it (or perhaps he did) but I was now free. I no longer needed to associate with him any longer since I had FINALLY been provided with a legit spot in Philly to score my beloved coke.

Don't get it twisted, powder is everywhere in North Philly. I had grown too tired to do the footwork to seek them out on my own,

This corner... ahhhhh! This fucking corner! They would be slinging coke (chocha), weed (broccoli), ecstasy (tylenol), wet and percs from 4:30pm to 2am. I was finally set.

This is where I needed to be every night for quite some time. I was working at a pizzeria and the owner and I went way back (I had worked for him previously). He agreed to pay me cash after every shift which was roughly $60 a night. This provided me a 'get high' every night and miserable extra shady efforts to get mine on the nights I didn't work.

Events during this time have been written about previously here in Blogs. Basically, overdoses, court cases, getting busted in lies by a loved one, theft from family... well... all the shit you would expect.

After the overdose, I went to rehab and stayed clean for 9 months and 25 days. I was working a legit job in a shitty little call center so had money.

I decided to get me 'just one more'.

This started the cycle all over again as if I had never even stopped. I was beat the fuck up and, once again, couldn't seem to stop on my own.

I remember getting a call from a girl from NA. It was Tracy. 'How ya doin', baby?'

'I ain't gonna lie, Tracy, I'm usin'.'

'Oh baby, me and Leonard will be over.'

'Tracy, I'M USING.'

'I don't care, baby, we need to see you anyway'

My apartment was filthy. Dead flies covered the window sill, uncapped syringes were scattered on the kitchen counter and coffee table, empty 40 bottles were on every surface among empty glassine baggies and orange caps. There was no fucking way these guys were coming inside.

My phone rang 'We outside, open up.'

'I'll be out in a second, Tracy.'

'You better. We WILL find a way in.'

I opened my door just enough to squeeze through and quickly closed and locked the door behind me.

Tracy grabbed me in a bear hug grip and started crying. 'Baby, its gonna be okay. baby, its gonna be okay.' Over and over.

My throat got tight and the wetness hit my eyes.

We went outside the apartment and Leonard was standing there. I forget the words that were said but there were many and these two people had an impact.

A few weeks later, I went to a meeting where two other people stepped the fuck up. I told them I was ready, but 'not yet'.

The day after that meeting I told myself that if I couldn't put three days together of not getting high then I would get into treatment as soon as possible. Those '3 days' have now accumulated to 308 days.

Things were rough for quite some time but they got better quickly and with a vengeance in many areas.

(to be continued)

As I ready myself for that long haul through the stratosphere my thoughts turn towards home, and home these days is of course the Philippines. Joysa and I have decided to shack up and my personal life being complicated by the Philippines' lack of a Divorce statute means that I will be primarily living in the Metro Manila area. I still haven't decided whether or not to divest from my business interests on Mindanao but no matter how that plays out, for the forseeable future I will still be compelled to travel to Mindanao every month, at the very least.

The studio I sublet, though in a luxury building (Rada Regency Thailand, in Makati's Legazpi Village), is a mere 31 square meters. The price is fantastic, about 240 US a month, but not large enough for a couple in my way of thinking. I have had a couple of mates pounding the pavement and have found a fully furnished 1 Bedroom condo subletting, in my building no less, for 20,000 Pesos per month (roughly 430 US). In Southeast Asia, apartments and condos do not come with even basic appliances. Getting a furnished unit saves me the headache of buying a fridge and stove and installing them in a sublet unit.

I prefer my own building because I love the rooftop pool. At night, 27 floors high in the sky, overlooking the vast metropolis below, it has a lot to be said for it. The unit is a corner on the 24th floor. Joysa of course has spent her entire life living in a squatter hovel. Living just 2 houses from the Haganoy River in Bulacan Province, immediately north of Metro Manila, the entire neighbourhood floods waist deep at high tide. Joysa is 75% Tagalog and 25% Kapampangan but almost everyone around her is Tagalog. Tagalogs, unlike Bisaya and other Southern Tribes do not use stilt homes. To me it seems to be merely common sense to try and elevate your home above the same river your sewage empties into but hey, that's just me. Not a single home is elevated!

At high tide the family stays on the second floor and allows the sewage to fester downstairs. Then they wonder why they get Cholera and Amoebic Dysentery. Anyway, I suppose, though it hasn't been discussed, that I will build her family a new home. IF they are able to get title to the tract they squat on I wll build a decent one but if not, I will simply re-build the home they currently occupy, though I will try to convince her parents to raise it a at least 3 meters (9 feet).

Now that I have decided to take this step I keep thinking of the Ellah Joy Pique tragedy. On February 8th, 2011 on Cebu Island, 6 year old Ellah was just leaving school with her little friends. A Mitsubishi Pajero with a white man and a much younger Filipina stopped, and Ellah got in. Less than a day later her raped and beaten body was discovered in a rubbish pile.

The white man was in his late 40s to early 50s, tatooed, blonde and goateed, his companion was dark skinned with Chinese eyes, as they are called in the Philippines. A few days later a Norwegian man and his "fiance" were on line at a ticket counter in the Cebu City Airport (Mactan), waiting to fly to Hong Kong. The gentleman was a computer engineer on the shy side of 50 and his "fiance" was a 24 year old RN, the single mother of a 3 year old daughter. Having met on an online dating site the Norwegian had quickly flown to the Philippines to seal the deal. Though only knowing each other for 3 weeks, including the time spent online, they decided to marry (not a difficult decision for a single Filipina living in poverty, don't let the RN aspect fool you), they were going to Hong Kong to fuck - I mean celebrate.

People were demanding blood. The couple was whisked away to the headquarters of the Cebu branch of the NBI, or National Bureau of Investigation. There they were interrogated repeatedly over the course of 10 days, sleeping and spending most of their time in an empty office, though at least they were kept together (terrible interrogative technique). In the end they were able to prove that they couldn't be the couple because their hotel had them on videotape all during the girl's disappearance. Almost all hotels in the Philippines lack CCTV but because the man stupidly shelled out for a 5 Star hotel their lives are saved. Can you imagine? What if he had been like 99% of the foreigners visiting Cebu? Or, what if they had decided to go shopping, or sight seeing on their own during that time, or, what if they hadn't stayed at a hotel with CCTV? A foreigner does a heinous act and soon foreigners are being plucked off of the street.

In the end the couple was released and had their request for a Norwegian Visa for the woman expedited, and were able to marry in Norway. The authorities then claimed it was a second couple, a Briton and another young Filipina. The man had already returned to England and so British authorities snatched him up, only to release him 2 days later. Apparently investigators in England do not believe him to be the culprit though the Philippines is trying to get to him, though no extradition agreement exists. The Filipina has gone on the lam, not suprisingly. Seeing as how 4 eyewitnesses had sworn it was the first couple I don't know what to think. What I do know is that I will never live in an expat colony, which is how both men were fingered.

Foreigners come to the Philippines and then try and form some semblance to their home country. They flock to the same housing complexes, patronise one another's businesses, and live a totally different lifestyle from the locals. I don't see much sense in that. If you need home that badly, why leave? To me? That makes them easy targets when something like that case takes place.

Man, its been quite an experience filled with experiences.

I'm sitting here on the deck outside my bedroom at the home I thought I was going to lose as a result of my uncontrollable use of drugs. I can't help but reflect on all that has transpired within the last three years.

It was approximately three years ago that my dad had to fly out to Colorado from Philly to escort me back to Pennsylvania. I was caught in the grips of shooting coke and the constant need to have some sort of chemical in my system so that I could tolerate a day in my own skin. I just couldn't stop regardless of how bad I wanted to.

After a 32 hour drive back to philly, I was left sitting in an apartment with a tiny TV and a mattress on the floor. My mom had done all the foot work to get me a place close by so that they could watch over me. I still wasn't done yet, though. I began drinking immediately upon my arrival. Eventually, I paid a visit to a local bar, assessed the people that were there and chose the perso I was going to sit next to. His name was Anthony and I knew what he was about before I even heard him talk (hence my decisio to sit next to him).

I ordered a drink and Anthony and I started talking. The conversation immediately turned to drugs. I mentioned 'dope' and he said 'Meet me in the bathroom'. He left his bar stool and, after a few minutes, I went to the bathroom. Anthony was standing in there looking right through me. 'How do I know yu aren't a cop?'. Ha! Standard operating procedure. I showed him my arms and said 'I ain't no fucking cop, man'. Anthony glanced at my tracks. It basically looked like someone had taken a marker and outlined the lengths of both of my arms (that's what happens when you shoot coke for three ad a half months straight, nonstop).

Anthony says, 'Yeah... you pretty marked up. I ain't holding but I can tell you where to go in the city to get some fire'.

'Coke or dope?' I asked.

'I thought you said 'dope' earlier. I fucking hate when people say 'dope' when they ain't talking about actual DOPE'

'Dude, I'll fuckin' take anything. Where's it at?'

He told me a couple a street corners in North Philly, I thanked him and rolled out the front doors to my car.

'Yo! Hold up, man! I ain't cool with this. Its late and they might not be open. Lemme buy ya a drink and I'll make a couple of calls.'

I followed him back in the bar and sipped on the beer he bought me.

'Dude, that's all I need is to watch the news tomorrow and see that some white boy got shot at a corner I told him to go to.'

Anthony made a few calls and arranged for me to meet a local hookup in the town we were in.

I forget how much I got that night but I snorted the shit and loved it. A point of note is that the dude Anthony set me up with that night, I read about in the paper 2 years later. He was a stickup boy who also robbed drug dealers. He was wanted on homicide charges. Part of the game I suppose.

In time, me and Anthony started hanging out and shooting dope together. That all stopped, though when I went to his house and his wife tore me a new asshole by blaming me for him 'relapsing' and being sick again. She threatened to call the cops if I ever came by again.

Never saw dude again.

Anthony had also hooked me up with poor quality coke. It was a tease and now that I didn't have ANY access to coke, I went on the hunt.

Somewhere along the lines I ran into 'Nifty'. Nifty used to be my connect ears and years ago. He used to sell E, coke, weed and sometimes mushrooms and acid.

I used Nifty often now and was always owing him money. One day, Nifty swings by my place and says 'Yo, lets go for a ride.'

I was broke and wanted to get high so I was down for it.

He told me that he just wanted to go to the city and cop a coupla dimes for a blunt.

We drove to a certain corner in Philly, parked the car and he hopped out. He hit one of the corner boys up and came back to the car. As we were driving away, Nifty said, 'Yo, I ain't selling coke no more. That corner right there is where you want to go for the good shit. I told them that whenever they see your truck, be on point'

I smiled broadly on the inside because I didn't want dude to know how much I was digging that hook up.

That knowledge became dangerous and shit started to get bad again, real quick.

(to be continued)