tears

it hurts so much
i'm on heroin again, and i love it... i'm crying so hard... my father found out about the $1,100.00 i spent on heroin last month...i'm back to 0 days clean...

and i just lied to my dear sweet grandmother, for her to bring me 20 dollars, so i could get a "prescription"

i dont know what to do, if i wasn't typing right now, i'd probably gbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbms.kd/gmmgsd/kgn

ok... i can do this

friends... those of you who REALLY care... i dont want to live this way...

i had a great talk with someone last night about Jay Eris Jackson, and how much we miss him... We both craved death...

i still do... and heroin, something which causes SOOOOOO much death.... well...
good god... if i could explain...

ok...



ALL THAT HAD TO COME OUT!




I'M SORRY, I KNOW ITS DISGUSTING...




But dave chappelle said it, "white people party on the edge of death and shit... like look at that, it's right fucking there, the edge..." paparaphrasing (paparsomniferum is the opium poppy, that was a junkie joke) my mind is sick...


i don't think rehab is a good option, i feel a job is... a REAL one... one where i can't sit at home smoking pot, or sit around a golf course drinking beer...



my 84 year old grandpa is on his way to bring me to go score...


i hope i'm killed before i take advantage of him again...


i do love all of my family deeply....



i'll write more after i shoot up... i'm saving it this time, gonna bring it home...

i wish i didnt have to go all the way to the hood...

 

i wish to give you the image of me damaging myself, a cry for help...

but, i dont know how to help tihis...

i'm hiding from everyone, but trying to express myself, setting myself up so i cant fail

i will beat you heroin...


maybe i'll just buy crack instead now...


wow, great job


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfufkcfi'lri'aserr 'aerh'EI "EAIt IO"ET" NETET
ETOJM "IUJW#*OTJISJ{Tm'



please someone for thte love of fuck help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







ok... no, its not that bad... i just need a good fuck right? a nice blowjob? and a line of coke, and a big shot of heroin.... omg... and some xanax on top after it all is gone ... and just wake up to no problems cuz they'red be a dead hooker on my cock... k...


i'm looooooosing it....



the craving... its so intense.... its ujst....'




everything is somehow related to heroin when you're sick, everyone is secretly on it, i've become paranoid...

i look at people with a face that says *i know you're watching me!!!!*


good god... but when the plunger goes down... omg... orgasms do not compare...

i guess condom free vaginal ejaculation with a mouth full of titty, while.... still no where near it...

god someone please have sex with me

 

leo, man... why is rehab not an option? Supervised detox, a place to be away from the shit while you get your head on straight, 3 square meals, a warm bed and the potential of getting yourself a 'rehab girl'.

I'm guessing the job isn't the solution because you will lose it as a direct result of your using. Most of the time we have to get to the source. If we build something on an already crumbling foundation, we end up having to rebuild again and again.

If you get yourself a strong foundation and then start building, you have a real good chance of being successful long term.

Yeah, change is scary. The thought of saying goodbye to that one thing that has been such a big part of our lives is terrifying. Fear is like pain (in a sense) it hits us, we feel it and, eventually its gone.

Sooner or later shit's gotta stop. Its obviously causing you (and your loved ones) pain. It doesn't have to be like that.

 

i'm a home owner, i only have ~8k left, i can not afford to not work for one more second

 

i'm closest i've ever been to clean, only 4mg suboxone a day... compared to 130mg i was on..., theres just no way in hell my father is going to give me 100+ dollars to get the last of my medication...i transfered all of my money to his account at one point because i would've been dead with it..

 

130mg methadone************

 

I hope everything works out for you somehow

 

Bupe isn't a viable option for most addicts. If 50mg of metadone doses you sufficiently for 24 hrs, then Bupe probably can help you. Most require a lot more thn 50. My point? You obviously would benefit from Opioid Substitution Therapy, but you need to be sufficiently medicated. Once you get above 70 mgs on methadome the cravings to use heroin (or any other opiate/opioid) disappear. Of course addiction has many intertwined underlying problems but the first step should always be cessation of illicit use and in this way methadone really might hold some promise for you. You ought to at least consider it.

As for the talk of death...Only you know how you really feel. If those thoughts are truly considerations you need to speak with a professional, fast, though all things considered the chance of finding one that won't try to milk you with at least a 28 day in patient programme (for a bounty) is almost non-existent. Definitely your use is out of control.

 

im proud to say i take only 2mg sub right now, and im moving down to 0... support group building