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Thursday 11 August

This morning was cold. Upper 30s or low 40s. Sunny. I hiked to one prominent knob in the low mountains that overlook the ranch. Slopes of purple and yellow wildflowers, stands of pine, and bushes laden with berries descended to the high desert plateau where the ranch lies. The trees and bushes were alive with birds. Most impressive was the prarie falcon circling overhead. A deer grazed on the lush grass near a stream bed. Farther down and beyond the ranch, the high desert extends with its rolling hills and some trees, their dark green lines marking stream beds fed by snow melt.

The high desert gets its name from its high elevation (at least 4000 feet). It extends across a semi-arid plateau from the Cascade range to teh west to the Idaho border to the East and Nevada to the Southeast. This northern arid region, where I am, has enough moisture to support some agriculture.

Behind me were the Cascade mountains. The Blue Mountain range on my left (north) marks the northern geographical boundary of Oregon's high desert region. The Wallawa range is barely visible at the edge of the plateau to the northeastern horizon.I thought I could barely make out bright sun light glinting off their high elevation snow fields.

I’ve been reading several survival guides including Collin's GEM SAS Survival Guide and several plant identification books. I spent some time foraging and collected some edible berries, leaves, and roots which I snacked on later.

By mid afternoon when I returned to the cabin, it was hot. Must have been in the 90s, and I had been sweating profusely since I started hiking up the mountainside. So, I have been wearing the same set of clothes for nearly a week (with every day in te 90s) withouth washing them or bathing. There is no running water here, but there is a watering trough for the horses. I fiannly broke down and took a bath in it. It was freezing cold, being that it is fed by a spring, but it felt good in the hot afternoon.

My wrist is mostly better now. I was able to split firewood without a pain. Still, I will take a break from the horse for a couple of days. My girlfriend said she will repair the saddle.

The battery is blinking out. To be continued....

doing better today... slept alot... i hope this insomnia ends soon...

my upstairs neighbor is a friend of mine, we seem to have different rhythums and the walls are paper thin. when he's awake, all i can hear is his music, when im awake i assume the same, i feel bad for him

he thinks all i do is hang uot here and sleep

which is pretty much true

over-stimulation


woke up feeling opiood deficient... took the last of my bupe iv, cuz its efficient, didnt enjoy it..


hope i feel ok tomorrow, i know i'll feel fine..


just no more rock

nono n on on ono no nonono
more crack
never
only pot!!


music feels so good sober..ish...

so, thats all for now, a wirey mess of wires..



I wanted to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda who wouldn't screw to save his species, I wanted to dump oil over all those French beaches I'd never see, I wanted to breath smoke...

-tyler durden

are they the same

been smoking rock...
like 20 or 40 every once ina while, not every day, nothign to write home about.. but when that cash hits my hands... i gotta go to the spot... and if im on subs, im not gonna waste it on junk... so, i've been smoking it...

and every fucking time i get home, after smoking 5 minutes of crack... iwant to smoke a bowl of herb... and i just think.. if i only would've saved 5 bucks... i could get enough weed for like the next 2 days...

economics aside,... shits horrid... anti-church yo!(been watching lots of breaking bad, and they say "church" like "word" on there, im catching on to it...)

oh-god, im getting so old... im going to be 23, ruck me funning!
i know u 30 40... ect..er's out there are like, OMGURONLY23STFU!!!!!
but, srsly, i look at the clock, and i can feel time accelerating, i can feel it taking away everything i love...

anxiety, morphine deficient??? yes it IS a neurotransmitter?

scatter brain 101, take ur seats kids..

fuck!

ok, so, my ol lady, MY beautiful darling angel...

she disgusted me this evening... im not mad

she acted in a way that was learned from me, and acted on aggression that i unfairly placed to her...

i have however, given her, a FIRM notice... i am recovering... if i can't recover with her, i will recover alone, but mind you THAT IS THE ONLY FUCKING OPTION!
TO GET MY FUCKING ACT TOGETHER AND START IMPRESSING MOTHERFUCKERS WITH BIG WORDS!!

Enantiomer!!!! dihydrogenmonoxide motherfuckers!!!


ok.. so, back to breaking bad, im like walt, and jessie, i have this part of me that craves perfection, 99.99% is not good enough! nothing is ever good enough if it can be improved. however, i have fucked up many a perfectly good situation by trying to improve it...

dont fix what aint broke my dad would say
* contemplating rap song possibilities about heroin with being broke and fixing...*

and im like jessie, because every fucking time i have been through a bunch of major ass shit, some old-balls comes stomping in to yell in my face about how much i dont try, when im so worn out from trying my ass off that i can't restrain myself, but somehow find the energy to mutter "BITCH!" through my gritting teeth...



every woman who looks at me becomes a potential wife or mother... my emotions explode if they look me in the eye... it sucks, its the potential single-hood lingering overhead... i'm in the only serious relationship i've ever been in, and i'd like to keep it that way... one girl, one life? i dunno, i know i'll keep trying


if u don't like the way i write, good, you're intelligent, however, i let it flow, i open the gate, and it spills unadulterated onto bluelight... not the best method, i know, however, it helps me learn things about myself

u people are great, but im doing this for me!

and i'm using all the commas baby! , ,and , , , , , , , ,,,,,,!!!


ok, so, i'm over-stimulated by buprenorphine, will this fade?

don't mention methadone in my house, i'd rather go back to heroin, hand to god, done is the devil!

i think that's enough grey matter for one morning... time for work!

fuck!!!

I was asked to speak at a meeting the other night for 45 freaking minutes. I was a bit scared but i faced it.

Now, below are links to how I did. I talk fast in the beginning and, in my opinion, did rather poorly. Some people were digging it, though.

Practice makes perfect.

12 Alarm Recovery Speaker Meeting 080611 Part One

12 Alarm Recovery Speaker Meeting 080611 Part Two

12 Alarm Recovery Speaker Meeting 080611 Part Three

(this entry should only be view able by Staff and my Contacts, if not... please let me know)

FAKE GG249 STRAIGHT CUT NO ROUNDNESS TASTE LIKE CHALK NASTY AND I'M NOT WORRIED BUT I'M JUST POSTING THIS FOR EVERYBODY ELSE I GOT A SCRIPT AND I RAN OUT SO I WENT TO MY FRIEND AND HE SOLD THE MOST ODDEST XANX TO ME AND WHEN I STARTED TAKING THEM NO FEELING NOTHING JUST TO WARN YALL DON'T BUY THESE

A cousin of my wife slash ex-wife married a school teacher. It is funny sometimes how life changes those we think we know best. Charity taught for 7 years, until 2000 when she used her university major, Criminology, to get a better paying job with the PNP, or Philippine National Police. Assigned to the Provincial Police Headquarters in our capital, Prosperidad, she spent the next 8 years learning the ropes. In 2008 she took advantage of a lateral entry programme to become a police investigator. In April of 2011 she was made Chief of Police for the municipality of Trento, the next town to the south of us, about 3 kilometers along the 2 lane road we call a "hiway."

On July 31st, at 330 AM, Charity was on duty at her station. Amazingly she had brought her infant daughter to work with her and was sleeping with her in her office, along with the child's nanny. 2 Isuzu trucks and a van pulled into the town centre and stopped at strategic positions around the municipal government compound. By chance a police sentry took notice and gave an alert but by then 40 guerillas had begun launching rifle grenades and pounding the compound walls with an M60 crew served machine gun.

Charity woke of course and after shoving the nanny and the baby into a closet at the back of the office grabbed her M16 and took a position at an office window. Already 1 paramilitary (from my group, BULIF) was killed. By chance, just 12 hours prior, she had received 2 new detachments to beef up her southern sector, and it was these re-inforcements who managed to save the day.

Maoists always take the path of least resistance. If you can keep them at bay for an hour you almost always see them withdraw. The 40 guerillas, with no casualties withdrew on foot, splitting up as they always do. A BULIF detachment from another adjoining municipality, Santa Josefa, ran right into some of the 200 guerillas who held blocking positions around the centre of Trento and a second para, 60 years old, was killed as well.

I came home a few days later and found Charity had already left for Manila. This past Monday marked the PNP's 110th Anniversary. The Government uses the day to dole out medals and promotions and with perfect timing cousin Charity became the toast of the nation. President Aquino awarded her the PNP's top medal and then asked the Secretary of the Department of Interior and Local Government, or DILG, under which the PNP serves, why Charity hadn't been promoted to Sr.Inspector, the PNP's top field rank. Of course this resulted in an on the spot promotion for her.

Her husband, my wife's cousin, has a no-show job with the San Franz water utility, but spends his days with the para. He's pissed she insisted on bringing the baby to work. The Maoists don't kill gratuitously and if they had overun the garrison I am sure the baby would have been safe but the entire front of the garrison is pockmarked by M60 rounds. The firefight certainly could have killed the baby and so he has a point.

The next day after the attack, 2 men being treated for gunshots in Bislig, over the provincial line in Surigao del Sur Province, were bagged by the army as having taken part in the attack. The NPA, or New Peoples Army as the Maoists call themselves, have their own medics and physicians and the 2 men had moderate wounds so IF they are NPA, they weren't at Trento. Of course, with army methods anyone would admit to anything. Suprisingly the army just charged a Captain and 3 seargents with Torture for an incident 3 weeks ago in Basilan Province, on the western coast of Mindanao. They took an Abu Sayyaf guerilla and gave him a gasoline enema by shoving a 1 liter glass cola bottle up his rectum as he was bent over a saw horse, in addition to burning his face and genitals with an oxy-acetylene torch. That is par for the course. The shocking thing is that they are being charged. So that explains the 2 men in Bislig.

Then, this past Monday, the army launched a push and the gunships (MG520s) have been buzzing us all week. BULIF has been operating across the line in Surigao del Sur where we lost another para on Monday, who was killed along with 1 army soldier from the 26th IB. At least we killed 12 guerillas, right?

The interesting thing is that over the last 2 weeks the NPA has launched 4 attacks with 200 plus gueriilas in each. The usual force is less than 75 guerillas so things are heating up.

I am sick, sick , sick and so tired of it. No one wants to hear me whine anymore and I don't blame them. I have a stomach disease and there is no cure. Medication helps but doc has cut me off due to not making a visit. I got sick enough without meds I made the damn apt., but doc is a busy man, so that was 3 wks out. Coming up now on Tues., and I am at the end of my rope. I have a very demanding job and have been required to put in lots of overtime. I do traffic control, mostly flagging, when not, everything else is very physical. The end is in site n if I make it thru work today I will have 2 days of weekend, if I am lucky. That is if! I don't know my schedule ever until the night before and we are hella busy right now and way short handed. Timing is great. I actually hope no one views my blog but if so, I did my whining here so no one had to hear it. Got to get ready for work. Fuck!

sober...

bore...

shooting suboxone pills (the needle is an addiction in and of itself) prooved un-satisfying... i used to shoot subutex, and those had a rush, but these are diff... u push, and then... nothing

but then like 5 minutes later, the bupe pulls through and u start to get a rush... honestly i only iv them cuz...

1. i can play with needles!!!!
2.save my meds
3.i can't stand the taste in my nose
4. i can stand the strips in my mouth, but not the pills, and the pills were the only thing in town...(the pharmacies!)

these little hexagons have saved me... however, im sober, bored... and... CRAVING hard...

just, like, constant... pot helps... but (licks lips) what i would do... if i wasn't on this orange crap!

no.. no no... this is saving my life, humans breathe, heroin users don't...

the 9 in 10 figure sticks out...


only 1 in 10 iv heroin users makes it out...

i've been in the top 90% of various fields of education throughout my life, however, never like...

I CAN DO IT


but seriously, it keeps ringing in my head,...


em, i've been awake to long, off my planet!

How much longer does one have to wait to to be off Suboxone before a high occurs, I cannot get high for anything. It has been 3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been 10 days sober to give my body and mind a rest from my Methylone use. I figured this would be enough time to bring my tolerance down and make it a lot more enjoyable (it was amazing the first couple of weeks I used it).

Well, I measured out 285mg's (which is a pretty hefty dose) and didn't even come close to getting the initial effects back. Stimulation, talkative, mood lift, but not even close to what I was wanting. The effects were about 80% less than it used to be.

I love this stuff so much, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to just take it like it is and give it up for a while.

I just want to be able to experience the blissful effects one more time...

i turn 18 on Sunday. which is when i plan on moving out the next day. my dad hates the fact i don't want to live here anymore and i really hate living here. his bitch wife and 2 rotten ass kids.
i'm kind of stuck on how to tell him i want to move out. i plan on doing it the night of my birthday, not like we are doing anything special...but i need to come up with a way that he won't freak out and it start a huge fight...fml.

My girlfriend told me she loved me on facebook chat last night, after telling me that saying such things online are better for face to face, or something of that sort when we had our fight and I admitted to loving her.

You know I could have called her on it but I just don't care to.

She finally got the courage to admit her feelings to me, thats better to me then being right.

Today is a happy day for me, only thing that could make me happier would be that she was here. 19 days until then. Its been 12 days since I've seen her.

Things are good I like good change :D

I have been off meds for a week now. They were bad for me but now I am med free with Anxiety, Bipolar, and BPD. Ever hung out with someone like that? Well try hanging out with one who is on the verge of their period so MORE irritable with PMS.

So, I'm wound up. So guess what happens? My girlfriend tells me that her mother is trying to convince her to stay in her city. Which for a whole 5mins I thought was successful. I am worried that it could happen if she stays much longer and that winds me up more because we have plans and her mom is making it seem like I am just another girl who is going to bring her here and dump her and she'll get all messed up again over another girl. In turn, yes brainwashing her. She doesn't see it really. She says she's still moving here, and so I'm fine right now but I am worried that come August 31st, its not gonna happen. She'll just come for another visit and that's it....go home after a few days.

I know she is just sharing her thoughts with me on all this but I am paranoid and have trust issues off my meds. This is NOT helping anything. It got so bad that I was searching my medicine cabinet for a clonazepam which I know basically wouldn't be there but was hoping.

I am not sure if I want to scream, yell, cry or just really hug her and not let go. Well not yell or scream or cry at her...just in general.

I so need a fucking joint. haha. I can't smoke though, my kids are around and I don't have any, and I'm pretty much broke right now. Oh well. I guess breathing and such will have to do. I am sure she'll make me laugh my ass off later.

I fucking hate stress and paranoia.

I fucking love her though.

Where is your cell phone?
desk
Where is your significant other?
windsor
What color is your hair?
black
Where is your mother?
toronto
Where is your father?
Dead
What is your favorite thing?
hugs
Your dream last night?
None
Your favorite drink?
Coke
Your hobby?
internet
Your fear?
Failure
Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Happy
Where were you last night?
MSN
Something that you aren't?
Calm
wish list item?
Sandra
Last thing you did?
Ate
What are you wearing?
PJs
What did you watch on TV last night?
nothing
Your pet's name?
stupid
Describe your friends?
awesome
Describe your life?
Changing
Your mood?
frantic
Are you missing someone?
Yes
What do you drink?
liquids
What kind of car do you have?
none
Something you're not wearing?
Bra
Your favorite store?
Dollarama
Your favorite color?
Black
When is the last time you cried?
Tuesday?
Who will resend this?
Dunno
Where do you go to over and over?
Home
Five people who email me regularly?
friends
Favorite place I'd like to be right now?
Sandra
Four people I think will respond
Bloggers?

1. First thing you wash in the shower? My feet. i start from the bottom and work my way up.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Green

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed
again? of course! I love my mamma!

4.Do you plan outfits? Sometimes. depends on the occasion.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Im ok, a little bummed i have to go back to work tomorrow, but i am glad it's raining really heavily. We need it here in melbourne.

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? My fiance's spiderman figurine.

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? aim.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? last night i dreamed that i kept running away from someone trying to sexually assault me. was very very strange. And very unpleasant.

9. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope, i don't talk to randoms when i go grocery shopping. well i try not to.

10. What are you craving right now? ice cream...

11. Do you floss? yes, when i remember to.

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? My old cabbage patch doll named Cindy!!

13. When was the last time you talked on aim? I don't use it.

14. Are you emotional? I can be.

15. Would you dance to the taco song? haha, probably.

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? no ...

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick, slobber, drool ... i love me some ice cream!

18. Do you like your hair? It's ok, i wish it was healthier and i took better care of it. I have typical hairdresser hair.

19. Do you like yourself? yeah Im a nice person.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yeah i met Alex Dimitradis (sp??) on the set to Underbelly! He has a really big head. He looks like a chuppa chup!

21. Do you like cottage cheese? Not really. I have tried, but meh .. not my thing.

22. What are you listening to right now? some new goa psy i downloaded. It's good!!

23. How many countries have you visited? none... i haven't travelled outside of Aus yet.

24. Are your parents strict? Nope. they are pretty damn cool! I have alternative parents.

25. Would you go sky diving? Hell yeah! I might have to be pushed though, i doubt ill be able to jump on my own accord.

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Umm... no.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him? Hahaha no.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? Yes my eyes! not. Ummm...my nail polish is about the most sparkly thing here.

29. Have you ever been in a castle? Yeah kryal castle!

30. Do you rent movies often? No we have foxtel.

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? What? Im too old for school.

32. Have you made a prank phone call? Yeah most likely when i was a kid. Who hasn't.

33. Do you own a gun? No but my dad used to!

34. Can you count backwards from 74? I am sure i could, but i can't be arsed right now.

35. Who are you going to be with tonight? My fiance and my dogs

36. Brown or white eggs? Meh, eggs are eggs.

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? Umm... no.

38. Ever been on a train? Yes, too many times.

39. Ever been in love? Yes, twice. This time more so than the last.

40. Do you have a cell-phone? Yes i have a mobile.

41. Are you too forgiving? Sometimes. I used to be, not as much now days.

42. Do you use chap stick? Yeah, and this other really good lip stuff.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? I don't have a best friend, other than my fiance that is. I have friends, but none that are my best friend.

44. Can you use chop sticks? No i am shit.

45. Ever have cream puffs? yeah, anything creamy i love.

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? yeah. It was alright.

47. What was the last question you asked? I asked my fiance why is he such a shit head.

48. What was the last CD you bought? Ummm.... shit i can't remember.

49. Boys or girls? Used to be both, now i am happy with just my boy.

50. What is your bus number for school? Err.... 69! har har har!

51. Is your hair curly? It used to be when it was healthy.

52. Last time you cried? A few weeks ago. When i had a fight with my mum.

53. Ever walked into a wall? hahaha yes i have.

54. Do looks matter? To be in a relationship, yes... as shallow as i may sound, they do. But that is why i have such a handsome partner

55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? What? Who? Where?

56. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes, a past boyfriend.

57. Favorite time of the year? Summer time.

58. Favorite color? Green

59. Are you sarcastic? Not often, but i can be.

60. Do you have any tattoos? yes - 3

61. The last person you held hands with? My fiance .

62. Do you sleep with the TV on? No i am a light sleeper. It has to be lights out completely for me.

63. Where was your default picture taken at? Well i WISH I looked like the super hot rockstar chick in my profile, but i don't.

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? I used to, now i just pity them.

65. Do you like your life right now? Yeah i do things are on the right track.

66. How often do you talk on the phone? Not too often, but often enough for my bill to be a pain in the arse.

67. What is your favorite animal? Dogs.

68. What was the most recent thing you bought? groceries

69. Do you have good vision? yes, very good.

70. Can you hula hoop? yup!

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? i don't think so .. i dunno.

72. Do you have a job? yes - i work full time.

73. Can you handle the truth? yes i prefer the truth. I hate bullshit.

74. What are you wearing? trackies and a hoodie.

75. Have you ever crawled through a window? yes once when i locked myself out of the house. I had to squeeze my butt through the small toilet window and almost broke my neck.

Wednesday 10 August

Think of the film "Broke Back Mountain" but not with 2 dudes. That's the setting the ranch reminds me of.

My girlfriend drove in last night. Of the 2 of us, she is the only one who owns a car. She has been alternating her time spent between here (the cabin on the ranch where I am staying), her parents' summer house in the nearest town which is some 30 miles away, and San Francisco.

I think this arrangement is ideal. She likes the idea of rustic living (Oregon Trail settler style), but when life gets too far from her comfort zone, she can go into town and take a break. I appreciate that at least as much as she.

This morning, I slept a little late and rose a little after sun rise. I started a fire in the fire pit outside the cabin.I put a kettle of water for coffee on the edge of it. A___ set an iron griddle on a grate over it after the blaze had died down to hot coals smoldering at a temperature which approximates the medium-high setting of a modern kitchen stove. She fried some eggs and sausage. Then she put teh Dutch oven in the coals, waited until it was hot, and baked some scones to go with the coffee whic she had made in a French press a short time earlier.

I learned to ride horses using a Western style saddle when I was 5. I haven't been on one since then until this month. There is a saddle in the barn here, but it needs to be repaired and cleaned before it can be used. I don't know how to do that, but I would still like to ride. So, I decided to teach myself to ride bareback. I have been practicing here and there on the swaybacked gelding Shotgun for several days. I started out figuring out how to mount and unmount him without a saddle or stirrups. Then I found an old halter (For those unfamiliar with horses, unlike a bridle, a halter has no bit or mouthpiece) and fashioned some reins from a loop of rope which I hooked to the sides of the muzzle portion of the halter. Then I got used to riding around the cabin and the barn. It turns out that his back being slightly swayed makes this easier to do. His droopy back provides a natural indentation for me to balance more easily. And so long as he shows no discomfort, it should OK for him. So, later yesterday, I was riding him around the ranch. Everything was fine for a while until I directed him down a steep hill.

Anyway, we were going down a steep hill a little too fast for my lack of skill. I started sliding forward (no riding blanket either). I dared not grip him tightly with my legs as this is often a cue for horses to speed up. So I balanced as best I could but was quickly becoming unstable. This hill was pretty steep so I kept sliding forward and finally bounced off. I fell toward his left (down hill side). He's a tall horse. Cpnsidering his height combined with the steepness of the downhill side of wehere I fell, I must have fallen at least 10 feet.

So somehow, I listed over and started falling head first. I put my hands forward, elbows slightly bent, thumb and forfingers forming a triangle a couple of feet away from my face. Then I hit the ground HARD. My elbows gave and my face smacked down pretty hard. Then I had to roll fast to get clear of his hooves.

I got up and was ok except that I have a patch of road rash on my forhead. My nose was saved by the fact that the triangle I had formed with my hands had allowed my nose to go through the triangular hole as my brow struck my fingers. I did not see stars or lose consciousness.

Also, the heel of my right hand impacted in a depression in the ground. This caused that part of my hand to sink in deep while my fingers did not. That and my right hand hit first since it was more uphill. The result is that my wrist bent back too far and is sore today.

Okay, so me and my girlfriend had this huge blow out. We're okay now but it happened over something pretty stupid. In the process under extreme stress, I admitted that I was in love with her. I am in love with her, I just didn't want to reveal that little tidbit yet, maybe more closer to christmas or something. Yeah but it came out.
She tells me all the time "Oh I could so easily fall in love with you" and stuff like how she can picture us lasting a long time, sending me songs such as "You made me Love You" by R Kelly and "Somebody" and "Please Forgive Me" by Bryan Adams. Our conversations and such. I KNOW she's in love with me, it blatently obvious but she's not ready to admit she is yet, which is fine with me and all. Everyone has their own time, and I can wait.
Thing is she talked about it all with her mother and her mom said how I just really like her. Well no shit of course I do, I just hate people trying to tell other people how -I- feel. I know what I am feeling god dang it.
That's alright, I treat her like a queen, I compliment her each day, and all that sappy good stuff.
She can take her time, I can wait, She's worth it.

*sigh*

I just needed a safe rant space. LOL.

wondering if anybody has used this product.Called instant clear for a drug test.I smoked on friday and had to take a test on wednesday be4 that i was 2 weeks clean and be4 that 2 months clean.What do you think????? Should i be worried about failing???This test was going to a lab for testing???

I am currently listening to dubstep with my girlfriend L, both eating sushi with humus, and both railing hydrocodone; night successful in my opinion.

The reason I created this account was so that I could garner a better understanding on the chemistry of opiates as well as share my own experiences and read others'.

I take great care of what goes into my body and always make sure to do extensive research before ingesting any substance. So what better place to learn than here? Plus, there is just only so much you can learn from Erowid without any direct interaction with others.

As a new 'bluelighter' to this community, will you help me learn and share? :DD

Well I got high today and got trash fever or something. I have been throwing up and had a low grade fever since the shot and just generally felt like shit. I just hope its not endocarditis or some shit. I dunno I might be done with heroin my relapses have been farther and farther apart and seem to crave less and less. I started craving dope after rereading Trainspotting that made me start thinking about it then I saw this documentary on current tv about people doing heroin and the heroin trade and they showed this dude shoot up and it was like something clicked and I was like I am going to get high. The thing is its never as good as I remember it being maybe being on suboxone so long has fucked my receptors up or something I dunno. I dont wanna do heroin anymore I just hope I survive this mistake. Does anyone know anything about endocarditis I have been on pub med but I had to stop after I yhad a panic attack. I used a clean rig but I dunno how long the bottle of water I used had been opened it may have been a few weeks old and the cotton I used was definatly not sterile. God I am a fucking idiot.

I fucking deserve to die its like I know better later but when I got dope in my hand its like I dont give a fuck about good technique or anything but geting it in my arm as quickly as possible

I am a walking bad decision I throw away oppertunitys like I got alot of them my parents are not rich but ave spent all there recources to put me up nice paying for college a car food gas ect. My mom gives me xanax to try and keep me off dope she payed for rehabs and detoxs therapists suboxone holymen whatever I said would make me better. But I know the truth I love heroin as Lou said "its my wife and its my life" and nothing is taking it away from me. I havent been a daily user in a year I havent been a weekly user in 6 months I havent used in 2 months but I am tommorow. See I made this deal wth myself I realized that in order to get the heroin I want I need money which means college I gave it a fair shake I didnt look for opiates at school I smoked weed and tried to be normal it was a show but I am a decent actor.

I know I am one fuck up away from losing it all see I dont have much I own nothing I have nothing but oppertunity but oppertunity is an easy thing to lose all it takes is one arrest one misplaced rig and there is no taking it back. But I dont care I need it like I need oxygen like food im starving you see starving for a rush one itch come on just one scratch I deserve it right? I have been so good everyones so proud but I am not proud I know the truth I dont wanna be well I like the disease it suites me I hate myself so why shouldnt I be hated. I see these people and I wonder what they would do if they knew what I knew knowing that heaven is only 20 dollars and a phone call away shit I know what I will do.

That's what its all about for me nowadays. It doesn't matter if I like it. Its what I gotta do.

I've been feeling some familiar old feelings recently. They came the fuck out of nowhere and I don't like it. Usually, this shit comes when I'm doing something I shouldn't but, for the most part, I feel it when I'm not doing something that I should.

I don't have a routine and this causes anxiety. The anxiety brings about impatience which further increases those anxiety levels.

So... what do I need to do that I haven't been doing?

I just applied to two jobs, modified my resume and applied for a job last night.

I have a legal side business that is carrying me but it isn't where my heart is. Gotta survive, though so, I do it. Its easy and lucrative but still scary because of its newness.

Oh well... keep it movin', man. Be on-point and don't fuck around.

I got this

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dont break my balls .... they have feelings too .....Vikey Din (vicodin) i love you!