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Why is it that everyone thinks that every person has someone or some reason to be alive
Today I tried to kill my self 3 times cut my wrist my gf got rid of all my good razors oh yea im gay lol tried to hang myself ive gained more weight than i like and almost broke the hook in my closet and then a bag over my head holes all over smh I dont know anyone that has ever wanted to die so bad but just couldnt kill them selves I feel weak and stupid Now im sittin her bloody wrist bruised neck o and cut my hair fml Welp I just wanted to get that off my chest talk if you wanna I wouldnt mind having a real friend!!!

For once I am no way at fault for drama this time, I guess it came looking for me.

I added this woman July 1st because she was apart of the LGBT facebook community and she was looking for friends in Ontario who was also LGBT because she didn't have many friends who were. So I added her cause I didn't have many friends who were either. Thing is she never chatted to me ever, like beyond adding her (asking if i could), we never once chatted. So I thought we never would and I now knew alot of my friends who I thought were purely straight were not, they were gay or bi. So I really didn't need hollow facebook friends. So I deleted her.

Psycho bitch causes drama. Messages my girlfriend and send her her cell number and flirts with her. She denies it of course and my gf is getting miffed at her and shows me the message log of the convo.

I told her to just drop it, not into drama. Everything is quiet for over an hour and she comes back with "Oh and she's not my type and her was hitting on me"

I told her she's full of it, my gf isn't like that at all, zero chance of her even flirting. Told her I trust her completely. She laughed "lol" at me and said "Funny" and so I messaged her back and said "?" and she messaged back "Its funny you would trust her". I said "Well since you adore drama, goodbye".

Of course though my gf was miffed because she was originally on my friends list. Thought some things but I assured her it was just some psycho on facebook.

I am seriously considering stop using facebook except that I have family where thats the only way I have contact with them.

This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks facebook has been drama.

I am just so sick of drama and stupidity.


My gf and I are just fine of course but drama added in with being apart its hell.

Austin has been acting up 10 fold in the past 2 months (since summer started) and its been nothing but hell. Drama from him, drama from his dad constantly threatening him and me having to threaten HIM with the cops almost on a daily basis.

I am so done with all this stress and drama.

Fuck the world.

The Old Man and I realized quick that buying ur rc's from the corner store would be too expensive. I've seen the you tubes w/ people making their own "herbal smoke", however never took it too seriously, however the Old Man did and somehow talked me into going in w/ him to order online. Apperently I've been lucky as I am yet to be fu%^ed from a vendor. I do my research before buying as does the Old Man (thanks to this website mainly, so i thank all ligitimate posters.) Anyways, we ended up purchasing 3 g's of 2201. (vendor names will be witheld as i am not trying to sell anything.) Got the 2201 in a few days. Our medium didn't arrive as quickly. This leads us to grocery store parsley. (not too bad, smoked alright. Any fuckin ways... Here goes.

AM 2201- 2g over 1 1/2 zone of parsley

Fast acting
Pretty strong
Short duration 20-30 min max.

Back from vacation from the boot, I still have one gram left. Talked to Richard Cranium (D.H.) as he will be my rat, had him come over. Blowed his little rat brain. D.H. is used to smoking the plant and not the other. This time we used a pack of squares. This is a novel idea as it was just tabacco. It smelled, tasted, smoked and looked just like a cigerette. No one was the wiser. Ordered JWH-5c (yes, i know). RCS-8 and AM 1220. Here's the breakdown.

AM 1220- white

Kinda blah
not strong at all
not the way you would think when u think "high" so sayeth D.H.
easy to break. i.e. acetone, everclear w/out warming
Duration: Maybe an hour

JWH-5c- Bright white

Umm we'll say it was just like 210
easy to break, the cleanest looking one w/ crystals, however these crystals very well could be dextrose (sugar) used to step on my d.
however since JWH-5c is not correct, there is no telling what they might give you or me, so buyer beware.

RCS-8- almost yellow

difficult to smoke
difficult to break (everclear warmed for about 5-7 min. using the crack method with mason jar and pot of water) one would figure all this extra work should pay off. not so much. It did get my other rat, Annajew, off.
She reports it as mellow and semi smooth once she got it lit.
Duration: hour or so

All rc's ,beside fore mentioned parsley, were done using tabacco. (Kite, Top, ect.)

The only downside the rats have is the extremely quick tolerance build up to these rc's AM 2201 seems to be the most resistant to the tolerance level as this one proves to be the rat's fave.

Soon, a review on URB-597. I been reading some good things about this chem from people that aren't out to sell u shit and seem to have a good grasp of what is going on.

O well hope this helps someone like the post before helped me. War.

I've taken my tabacco to work and around the neighborhood. Never have to worry about pocket money. Shit sells itself. Good luck!

Letter 1A In a series; etal; To a Friend, Anonymous.
Preview
Long.
Time.







How's things. I've been mired in an improbable clusterfuck of calamaties and atrocities unthinkable. I've been licking my wounds for two solid months and the flies still stab at them like cougars toward the intestinal offerings of the morning meal.


Enough of that shit.


How are you?




I just went through a month long desvenlafaxine (metabolite I'm sure you're firmiliar with) withdrawal. Protracted withdrawals up to 1.5 months. Godawful shit. I'm planning a massive litigation soon, I want you in on the ground floor. I'm not looking for money, or apologies or any of that useless tripe and cannon fodder. I want those drugs scheduled. Schedule 3 at fucking least.


Doctors shouldn't be able to dole them out like party favors at a menagerie. Step right up. Win a crippling addiction. What the fuck has country come to.


I heard you went through something similar this is why I write. I'm now effexor free and it took a month and half of horrible withdrawals far worse than opiate or benzodizapines or even ghb or alcohol. It was unprecedented, and I'm shocked that the culture permits this type of rampant profiteering off the suffering of the willfully ignorant.


It's atrocious.




But I digress, Darwinism et al.


Hope your well. Bottom line is I'm fixed and stabilized on lyrica mirtazapine (memantine to prevent tolereance, read the ADD forum about that) and .5 clonazepam as needed. I'm doing alright for myself, and with a jury trial coming up in 3 months, a man needs to be at his prime. Confidence should seep murkily from every single pore, exonerating even the 'justice' and guilting him to no end for his foul impunity. We're talking the lowest of the low here, the wretched of the earth.


The scum also rises.


Ok for now. Send word. I'll drop a line next time I'm in Rape country, but hopefully I'll be going there and LEAVING (key word) there as a liberated person void of chains.


He who goes to Law takes a wolf by the ears. Get back.


I have a number if you want to talk in person. I've been getting back into serious conversation and would very much enjoy a call. It's a skype number on the computer, but I'm always around.


[pm for number]


Cheers. Send word, Mr. Danza.


Scott.
Posted by Scott La Rock at 9:31 PM 0 comments

Productive Mondays are always fun. Flat tires rarely are. I found my driver side front tire almost flat and thought my plans for being productive were poached. I drove to the gas station one block up and filled the tire, then I went to Big O. I was able to get it fixed for $10 because the valve stem was just loose.
I made my way to the dispensary and back before 12 o’clock. At 1 o’clock my mom had a doctor’s appointment so I took her to see one of her doctors. Out of there at 2 o'clock. We were. (Yodaspeak). My mom is much better than she was in May, when she was in the hospital. She’s doing well actually.
We had an early dinner/late lunch at Happy Gardens (my mom’s favorite Chinese food restaurant), then we went to the grocery store. Once we got home and got the groceries put away, I started working on my mom’s printer. Unable I was. To fix. (Yodaspeak). I determined the printer to be broken, which it certainly seems to be.
I went outside and washed my car in the driveway. The sun was setting when I started and it was dark out when I finished so I don’t know if I did a good job or not. I will check on it in the morning before
I go to Yoga class. (I need to be away from the parentals every now and again.)
A strange word. Is Yoga………

I struggle with anxiety and the only thing that I have found to work is benzos. What else can I do or take to help?

I did start a thread on this, was hoping to get moral support for my attempt to quit kratom. Apparently the forum proper is not the place for that, so will give it a go here as advised by mod. I am hoping for comments and moral support during my withdrawal, so hope I can pull in some feedback once I get going with the withdrawal process. I will make forum posts as and when I need advice or practical tips or to share something that worked - this blog will be my place to ramble, and vent, and scream But I hope to make it interesting too, kind of a story, I've always made sense of my life through stories... Anyway... At the moment I am planning ahead - this is my intro...

Chapter 1:

5-6 years ago I used to drink, and smoke. I gave up the smoking, and when I discovered kratom, the drink gradually phased out as I prefered the relaxed clarity that kratom gave me, not to mention the ability to get lots done in the stimulation phase.

Eventually I got fed up with the kratom, and quit that, too, and had a life free of drugs for a while. It was fantastic. Then some personal tragedies and difficult events happened, a supply of Oxycontin became available to me, and I thought what the hell, I need something to get through this, right? Wind forward a year and I was stuck with a 350mg a day Oxy habit, and had gone back on the kratom as well to help in between the occasional shortage of the hard stuff.

I Ct'd from Oxy and Kratom, did therapy, sorted myself out and totally turned my life around, I was running a lot, that was my new DOC I guess, but a healthy one. Then I got a trapped nerve in my back, it was agony... Having severed my oxy contacts long ago, I resorted to combining kratom and OTC codeine - at first for the pain, but then I enjoyed the buzz too. Then I bust my knee running, and suddenly there it was, a gap for the addiction to rush back in.

So for the last year I've seesawed between kratom and OTC codeine (prescription codeine when I can get it). I've tapered off the kratom several times, using the codeine, and maintained on codeine, and vice versa - but a lot of the time just combined them. Lately I've been off codeine for a month, just using kratom... I've CT'd a few times of kratom and then relapsed, because I couldn't get throught he freakin depression part of withdrawal with the responsibilities I currently have...

But when I say using kratom, believe me, I am talking a massive kratom habit. I quit the crap this Christmas just gone, as I was doing 50-100g a day plain leaf, and it was costing me a fortune - had about 2 weeks clean, then relapsed with some headshop extract while I awaited a new batch. My online vendor had some specials by the Kilo of kratom, I had cash, I thought, why not take advantage - I could just use responsibly, couldn't I?! Wrong. The first kilo was gone in ten days - so basically I was using 100g of plain leaf Indo a day - I chugged it to wake up, I chugged it to keep me going in the day, I chugged it to relax me at night. Every single day - because always I was reminded of the shitty RLS that comes on when I haven't dosed for 8 hours. And that's where I've been since January, using a hell of a lot of kratom... and having to use it because if I try to get past 2 in the afternoon my body starts trying to jump out of its own skin

I've tried to CT again but my motivation has been low, because with my present responsibilities, I know that even if I can get through the first 2-3 days I am going to have to be good to go by day 4, and the anxiety gets me every time. With Easter coming up I have managed to find a window of 10 days where I can more or less hole up and avoid social engagements and work pressures, and concentrate on getting off this shit.

Some will say it's only kratom, but it is a LOT of kratom - and having CT'd from an OXY habit I would say my kratom withdrawals have been comparable (though that could be a body memory from previous opiate withdrawals). I find tapering from kratom has worked, but my discipline is shot to pieces lately... too much stuff I've needed to do... The RLS/akathisia of kratom withdrawal is just the worst for me, followed by the depression which follows the acute phase. I think there is a huge psychological component in all this - because previously I had worked so hard to feel good, and so I just don't want to feel bad, even though I know some amount of suffering is the only way I can get off this now...

So, I have sourced some phenibut for the anxiety, and some kanna for the depression, and hope these will come in useful for my foray into yet another withdrawal. At least I have quit the combined codeine habit, maybe that will make things easier.

I got my last package of kratom through the mail today (another thing I am fed up with is that sense of dread if a package doesn't come, or if my vendor suddenly runs out of stock, etc...). I have about half a kilo of kratom, which I am going to do a short taper with into next week, and try to reduce the spikes in my system as much as possible. I have then set next Thursday as the last day of Kratom use. And then the adventure will truly begin.

I hope to use this thread to report on how it's going, and to keep me motivated. I do have a lot of inner motivation, but it surely may help if I get some support on here, as it would be embarrassing to come back and admit failure - typing accounts of the withdrawal process may also help me distract myself, and remind me of how shitty it is, if I start getting thoughts of occasional use again.

I cannot use opiates/kratom responsibly.

Apologies for a long opening post, and good wishes to anyone planning to quit any DOC, whatever it may be.

So, anybody out there reading?

I haven't slept in 3 days and I just took another 275mgs. I keep seeing shadows moving around me, think I see my dog run through the house, I swear I heard the front door open but I was sitting right next to it. Fuckin crazy.

I'm laying in the bedroom with the lights off smoking a cigarette. I need to find something to do.

And i keep typing to the rhythm of the techno song Henry Rollins did in his standup.

I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow. The people who I work with are all like best friends and they totally ignore me...and I'm usually okay with that. Tomorrow we're being forced to do a bunch of team building stuff, like trust catches and shit, and I'm convinced that no one is going to catch me. Also, I'm terrified about engaging in conversation with my co-workers. I totally tried that once - it was just like me rambling for a few minutes about how much George Lucas sucks and then eventually stuttering something about my aversion to coffee while a few of my coworkers stared at me blankly. Man. How great it would be to have friends at work.

My tank is on empty. Empty.

I am just physically incapable of having an honest job. I try - oh my god do I try. But falling while other people are rising is just too much for me. I've seen too many awesome things to be just barely fighting for survival. I keep telling myself that I'm about to start getting scrappy, but when? When will I turn into a pitbull again? Maybe if I wait tables and pretend that I'm grateful for life for the next what, 2 - maybe 5 - maybe 15 years? Knowing the whole time that I'm full-time suppressing that greedy instinct, putting on a show for everyone just so they will feed me - like an adopted, abused dog?

This is not me. I am a bank-rapist, a money shifter, and a derivatives trader. These things will never change. I can do other things, but I've already had a taste. The question is: when will I rampage again? I lead a pathetic existence right now. a lot of people think life is beautiful, but I don't. I think indulgence is beautiful. I will commit suicide before I find myself really just "chilling" and being like everyone else. I can't "chill." That cool stuff doesn't work for me, and my patience was as thin as it gets two years ago. Something's got to happen, even if I have to force it. A little more than 5 months before I turn 28. If I'm still fighting for table scraps at that time, then this material will have to be archived somewhere because I'll be as gone as it gets.

Saturday, 13 Aug

Sierra Nevada

Great sunset. Lots of clouds to give it color. The blazing reds and oranges contrasted against the intense blue sky. A little later, the elk were bellowing in the woods in teh hills, and now the coyotes are making a lot of noise as twilight turns to night. One coyote is really close. It sounds almost like it's laughing.

The Sierra Nevada is a mountain range in the western United states. The northern end is a little north of Lake Tahoe in California, and it runs 400 miles south, gradually gaining elevation, passing spectacular regions such as the Lake Tahoe region, Yosemite, Sierra Crest, Kings Canyon, and Sequoai national park. It ends just beyond Mt. Whitney, the highest point in the continental United States with an elevation of 14496 feet. The range is about 70 miles wide.

The Pacific Crest trail (PCT) is a long range hiking trail (about 2600 miles in length) that stretches fromthe mexican border to the canadian border. It passes through the length of the Sierra Nevada. The route is mostly through national forest and protected wilderness areas. 100s of people hike the length of it every summer.

My girlfriend and I went into town for supplies yesterday. Somebody in town mentioned to me that they were driving down to San Francisco in a few days. I knew that at some point, their route would take them across the PCT. The PCT is a hike I have wanted to do since I first heard of it, and I would be happy to hike even a segment of it. I mentioned this and asked for a ride. They generously agreed to driv e me and my pack and let me off at a PCT trail head just off Interstate 80 where it crosses the Sierra Neveda, specifically at Donner Pass near Truckee, California.

So, I have spent the rest of the day yesterday and this afternoon preparing for the trip. I plan to hike from Donner Pass (Soda Springs) down 500 or so miles of trail, summit Mt. Whitney, and hike down 20 miles to Lone Pine, CA. At Lone Pine, I will hitch a ride or take a bus back home. With a pace of 20 miles per day, it should take me 3 or 4 weeks, and I will have hiked nearly the entire length of the Sierra. If I were to run much of it (like some ultra maraton people do) I complete the trip much more quickly of course, but that speed is too fast for me to enjoy the scenery. I have plenty of time and want to absorb the sights.

So, I have finished packing and repairing my equipment. Including 3 weeks of food and 1 gal of water, my pack weighs around 70 pounds. Not horribly heavy for a month long trip and my modest pace. But I did pack some odd things like a camp stove (because of fire restrictions in some areas), infrared goggles (for hike up Half Dome I plan to do at night to avoid the notorious crowds of slow, out-of-shape people clogging the cables), fishing gear, a couple of books, a journal, a sketch book, etc. And I'm not bringing some heavy things. No tent, no camp shovel, no hatchet, no change of clothes or underpants, etc.

Also while in town, I was excited to find some poppy pods while walking. They are dry by this late in the year. Black resin has dried a few inches down the stem. They were near an abandoned building that must have been some kind of “general store” that looks to have been built more than 100 years ago. This place practically a ghost town. It has negative population growth, claims a pop of over 1000, but that is hard to believe so many live here. Anyway, I going to make tea with them. Hopefully they are still good.

My ride leaves early Monday, so I'm not sure how long before I will have access to a computer again.

ihave recently learned that you can inject heroin and methamphetamines together and it is the most amazing feeling. it lasts for a vry long time and it is incredible .the only rough part is that the meth lasts way longer than the heroin so the comedown is still a bitch. or is it. i have found the miracle cure for that as well.BENZODIAZEPINES!!!!!!! preferably klonopin because they last damn near 24 hours. i have recently taken all three and i feel amazing. i can not put it into words and ive only recently started using meth from time to time. i have always despised it because it has turned many of my friends into animals. i am now an officially changed man. i encourage all of you to go out , buy a twenty bag of some good black tar heroin, a twenty bag of some good crystal meth and ten 1 milligram klonopin. you will feel absolutely amazing and you will not have the horrible crash that comes with it. im going to go do another hit right now. you should too. peace

CON'T FROM HERE

The conspiracy is so painfully obvious that one has to be blind, willingly or not, to miss it. Its fingers are in our sources of sustenance, poisoning us physically where these elements nourished us for millions of years. Our culture is manufactured and designed with intent, a strong intent on manipulating the deepest and most susceptible drives to predict all behavior and direct all mass traffic. Our moral compass is bent and skewed to create a deep personal and connected drive to kill and allow killing to take place, where we once existed purely to propagate life.

To quote the great Marcus Aurelius, "instruct or endure." To quote the great Sun Tzu, "to know one's self fully, and to know one's enemy fully, is to achieve complete victory." The Universe has cracked open my brain and showed my own soul to me more times than I am comfortable with (which is the beauty of it, comfort is a terrible thing to be enslaved to!). It came time for me to know my assailants as well. So I found my opening, and went deep into the bowels of the beast.

Enough figurative speech. I still cant fucking believe I was exposed to everything I believed was inside this corporate body. All of the fascist undertones engineered by Hitler, Eichmann, Himmler, and the whole lot were there every present. Corporate ideology and fascism go perfectly hand in hand. Its well on the record, the fascist tendencies which crept into the American lifestyle in the 30s, 40s, and 50s, but was quickly alerted to the masses by the greatest and most active anarchists, democratists, socialists, and other activists of the times, by means of art, writing, protest, and the general decry of awareness. So this movement was recognized, and pushed underground around this time. Since then, it has spent the 60s, 70s, and 80s in much experiment. Billions of dollars have been backing the last century's use of the general population as a mind control experiment (ever seen Century of the Self?). From MK-ULTRA to corporate focus groups, the American people have been used to reverse-engineer the human psyche to find out how best to manipulate a mass of people. All of this is quite factual, and quite right out in the public sector, no clandestine operations here. In fact, were taught its devices in our universities and college classrooms! We use such labels as "marketing" and such values are instilled as "profits" and such words are made completely mutilated as "ethics." We create armies of willing slaves, vast herds of human resources who willingly surrender their cognitive freedom, spiritual connection, and physical energy in exchange for a grand idea of emptiness, of pretentious outward appearance with no gift inside the well crafted packaging. This psychological trend expresses itself in every facet of the corporate world, from the design of the worker's uniforms regarded as "suits" (which are designed to create the subliminal notion of optimal physical shape and health, while concealing a horribly unhealthy state), to the collective notion of "just doing one's job" (have you ever recalled hearing soldiers convicted of warcrimes decrying they were "just following orders?").

This is more than a lens one chooses to see modern culture with. These things are actively schemed, planned, and executed by the very sort of entities I just finished "working" for. I saw first hand how culture is designed, manufactured, and passed on to the unsuspecting masses. The actors, engineers, and analysts all play their roles well, with no attempt to obfuscate their agenda. This machine I worked for manufactures nearly half of the channels on cable television, the greatest mind controlling device in the history of the world. They also produce more than one-third of the "blockbuster" type motion pictures Americans are all encouraged to expose themselves to as much as possible (while simultaneously surrendering their only machine-given asset, "cash" in order to obtain poisonous and fake sources of nutrition which contain ingredients which encourage impulsive consumption, do you not see the connection?). They decide how men should behave and think, and how women should behave and think, how the youth should engage in sexual activity and assimilate into their appropriate cultural subgroupings, how people of one race should walk and talk, and how people of another race should interact and behave. They decide how events and elements of the world external to their creation should be percieved. They ultimately decide a narrow, fake, empty, and horribly distorted consensus on reality for the general masses, and seek to permeate this infection in any manner possible. They even decide what should be rejected, what people should actively regard as unwanted or undesirable, and spend billions of dollars on implements which they purposely predict will be discarded as trash, white noise, or unpopular. This allows for a total control over perception, even over those who believe they reject everything the machine creates! Give Chomsky and Herman's Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media a deep read sometime to describe this all much better. I can assure you, the media machine exists for such purposes, as I have been as close to its most fundamental manufacturing processes as an outsider can be.

And to think, me! I crawled out of the woods unaware of the cancerous nature of urban life out of mere curiosity with a few dollars in my pocket and a couch to sleep on. I went from surviving off of dirt in this city, to earning an annual high enough for me to bemoan the amount I must surrender to my masters at the IRS every April. I am quite confident in my ability to wear my innocent-engineer-nerd-guy disguise well, few know the Shadow Tiger which lurks underneath. The theories Chomsky lays out on how the Manufacture of Consent works all apply to the entertainment industry, if not, more-so than the News Media. I have experienced this first hand, and I assure you, you are every day of your life beckoned to enslavement by this machine.

So, like most of my mad experiments, Im glad to have suffered total agony in having to have the filth of this horrible mind control device known as cable television and entertainment media to know that it is, indeed, a fierce weapon being unleashed on the unsuspecting minds of all Americans (and the whole of the world, for that matter). This madness is what allows such violence to permeate our globe. It is why we sit back and jack off while our own "state" slaughters tens of thousands of innocent civilians, for the purpose of creating a perpetual theater of war. We sit back and allow a world to build itself up to a state of total self annihilation because we're completely occupied by the machinations of this propaganda device. I bid you adieu, find yourself an engineer that can willingly work better than I did, even while regretting it every keystroke of the way.

Hey guy been on subutex for 4 years alway snorted then up untill nw they change the ingrediants in sum brands i take 2mg reckitt benckisert brand purple and white box with ingrediantr of monohydrated lactose mannitol maize starch povidonea excipient k30 citric acid sodium citrate and magneshum stearate as i remember with old brands the ingrediants were jst mannitol aand lactose monohydrate which were no problem snorting but with all these new ingrediants in the new brands i warey of snorting these i be gratefull for all advice if u have snorted the new brand and still catch that same buzz thanks

That's how long it will be until she's home again, and this time for good.
She's moving out here and is looking for a place atm.
Can't wait till she's back, MSN just doesn't always do it.

Anyone have a time machine? Harry Potter? Someone flip the clock ahead at least 16 days ok? tyvm. lol.

Feeling lonely tonight again. Sucks balls.

Thursday 11 August

This morning was cold. Upper 30s or low 40s. Sunny. I hiked to one prominent knob in the low mountains that overlook the ranch. Slopes of purple and yellow wildflowers, stands of pine, and bushes laden with berries descended to the high desert plateau where the ranch lies. The trees and bushes were alive with birds. Most impressive was the prarie falcon circling overhead. A deer grazed on the lush grass near a stream bed. Farther down and beyond the ranch, the high desert extends with its rolling hills and some trees, their dark green lines marking stream beds fed by snow melt.

The high desert gets its name from its high elevation (at least 4000 feet). It extends across a semi-arid plateau from the Cascade range to teh west to the Idaho border to the East and Nevada to the Southeast. This northern arid region, where I am, has enough moisture to support some agriculture.

Behind me were the Cascade mountains. The Blue Mountain range on my left (north) marks the northern geographical boundary of Oregon's high desert region. The Wallawa range is barely visible at the edge of the plateau to the northeastern horizon.I thought I could barely make out bright sun light glinting off their high elevation snow fields.

I’ve been reading several survival guides including Collin's GEM SAS Survival Guide and several plant identification books. I spent some time foraging and collected some edible berries, leaves, and roots which I snacked on later.

By mid afternoon when I returned to the cabin, it was hot. Must have been in the 90s, and I had been sweating profusely since I started hiking up the mountainside. So, I have been wearing the same set of clothes for nearly a week (with every day in te 90s) withouth washing them or bathing. There is no running water here, but there is a watering trough for the horses. I fiannly broke down and took a bath in it. It was freezing cold, being that it is fed by a spring, but it felt good in the hot afternoon.

My wrist is mostly better now. I was able to split firewood without a pain. Still, I will take a break from the horse for a couple of days. My girlfriend said she will repair the saddle.

The battery is blinking out. To be continued....

doing better today... slept alot... i hope this insomnia ends soon...

my upstairs neighbor is a friend of mine, we seem to have different rhythums and the walls are paper thin. when he's awake, all i can hear is his music, when im awake i assume the same, i feel bad for him

he thinks all i do is hang uot here and sleep

which is pretty much true

over-stimulation


woke up feeling opiood deficient... took the last of my bupe iv, cuz its efficient, didnt enjoy it..


hope i feel ok tomorrow, i know i'll feel fine..


just no more rock

nono n on on ono no nonono
more crack
never
only pot!!


music feels so good sober..ish...

so, thats all for now, a wirey mess of wires..



I wanted to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda who wouldn't screw to save his species, I wanted to dump oil over all those French beaches I'd never see, I wanted to breath smoke...

-tyler durden

are they the same

been smoking rock...
like 20 or 40 every once ina while, not every day, nothign to write home about.. but when that cash hits my hands... i gotta go to the spot... and if im on subs, im not gonna waste it on junk... so, i've been smoking it...

and every fucking time i get home, after smoking 5 minutes of crack... iwant to smoke a bowl of herb... and i just think.. if i only would've saved 5 bucks... i could get enough weed for like the next 2 days...

economics aside,... shits horrid... anti-church yo!(been watching lots of breaking bad, and they say "church" like "word" on there, im catching on to it...)

oh-god, im getting so old... im going to be 23, ruck me funning!
i know u 30 40... ect..er's out there are like, OMGURONLY23STFU!!!!!
but, srsly, i look at the clock, and i can feel time accelerating, i can feel it taking away everything i love...

anxiety, morphine deficient??? yes it IS a neurotransmitter?

scatter brain 101, take ur seats kids..

fuck!

ok, so, my ol lady, MY beautiful darling angel...

she disgusted me this evening... im not mad

she acted in a way that was learned from me, and acted on aggression that i unfairly placed to her...

i have however, given her, a FIRM notice... i am recovering... if i can't recover with her, i will recover alone, but mind you THAT IS THE ONLY FUCKING OPTION!
TO GET MY FUCKING ACT TOGETHER AND START IMPRESSING MOTHERFUCKERS WITH BIG WORDS!!

Enantiomer!!!! dihydrogenmonoxide motherfuckers!!!


ok.. so, back to breaking bad, im like walt, and jessie, i have this part of me that craves perfection, 99.99% is not good enough! nothing is ever good enough if it can be improved. however, i have fucked up many a perfectly good situation by trying to improve it...

dont fix what aint broke my dad would say
* contemplating rap song possibilities about heroin with being broke and fixing...*

and im like jessie, because every fucking time i have been through a bunch of major ass shit, some old-balls comes stomping in to yell in my face about how much i dont try, when im so worn out from trying my ass off that i can't restrain myself, but somehow find the energy to mutter "BITCH!" through my gritting teeth...



every woman who looks at me becomes a potential wife or mother... my emotions explode if they look me in the eye... it sucks, its the potential single-hood lingering overhead... i'm in the only serious relationship i've ever been in, and i'd like to keep it that way... one girl, one life? i dunno, i know i'll keep trying


if u don't like the way i write, good, you're intelligent, however, i let it flow, i open the gate, and it spills unadulterated onto bluelight... not the best method, i know, however, it helps me learn things about myself

u people are great, but im doing this for me!

and i'm using all the commas baby! , ,and , , , , , , , ,,,,,,!!!


ok, so, i'm over-stimulated by buprenorphine, will this fade?

don't mention methadone in my house, i'd rather go back to heroin, hand to god, done is the devil!

i think that's enough grey matter for one morning... time for work!

fuck!!!

I was asked to speak at a meeting the other night for 45 freaking minutes. I was a bit scared but i faced it.

Now, below are links to how I did. I talk fast in the beginning and, in my opinion, did rather poorly. Some people were digging it, though.

Practice makes perfect.

12 Alarm Recovery Speaker Meeting 080611 Part One

12 Alarm Recovery Speaker Meeting 080611 Part Two

12 Alarm Recovery Speaker Meeting 080611 Part Three

(this entry should only be view able by Staff and my Contacts, if not... please let me know)

FAKE GG249 STRAIGHT CUT NO ROUNDNESS TASTE LIKE CHALK NASTY AND I'M NOT WORRIED BUT I'M JUST POSTING THIS FOR EVERYBODY ELSE I GOT A SCRIPT AND I RAN OUT SO I WENT TO MY FRIEND AND HE SOLD THE MOST ODDEST XANX TO ME AND WHEN I STARTED TAKING THEM NO FEELING NOTHING JUST TO WARN YALL DON'T BUY THESE

A cousin of my wife slash ex-wife married a school teacher. It is funny sometimes how life changes those we think we know best. Charity taught for 7 years, until 2000 when she used her university major, Criminology, to get a better paying job with the PNP, or Philippine National Police. Assigned to the Provincial Police Headquarters in our capital, Prosperidad, she spent the next 8 years learning the ropes. In 2008 she took advantage of a lateral entry programme to become a police investigator. In April of 2011 she was made Chief of Police for the municipality of Trento, the next town to the south of us, about 3 kilometers along the 2 lane road we call a "hiway."

On July 31st, at 330 AM, Charity was on duty at her station. Amazingly she had brought her infant daughter to work with her and was sleeping with her in her office, along with the child's nanny. 2 Isuzu trucks and a van pulled into the town centre and stopped at strategic positions around the municipal government compound. By chance a police sentry took notice and gave an alert but by then 40 guerillas had begun launching rifle grenades and pounding the compound walls with an M60 crew served machine gun.

Charity woke of course and after shoving the nanny and the baby into a closet at the back of the office grabbed her M16 and took a position at an office window. Already 1 paramilitary (from my group, BULIF) was killed. By chance, just 12 hours prior, she had received 2 new detachments to beef up her southern sector, and it was these re-inforcements who managed to save the day.

Maoists always take the path of least resistance. If you can keep them at bay for an hour you almost always see them withdraw. The 40 guerillas, with no casualties withdrew on foot, splitting up as they always do. A BULIF detachment from another adjoining municipality, Santa Josefa, ran right into some of the 200 guerillas who held blocking positions around the centre of Trento and a second para, 60 years old, was killed as well.

I came home a few days later and found Charity had already left for Manila. This past Monday marked the PNP's 110th Anniversary. The Government uses the day to dole out medals and promotions and with perfect timing cousin Charity became the toast of the nation. President Aquino awarded her the PNP's top medal and then asked the Secretary of the Department of Interior and Local Government, or DILG, under which the PNP serves, why Charity hadn't been promoted to Sr.Inspector, the PNP's top field rank. Of course this resulted in an on the spot promotion for her.

Her husband, my wife's cousin, has a no-show job with the San Franz water utility, but spends his days with the para. He's pissed she insisted on bringing the baby to work. The Maoists don't kill gratuitously and if they had overun the garrison I am sure the baby would have been safe but the entire front of the garrison is pockmarked by M60 rounds. The firefight certainly could have killed the baby and so he has a point.

The next day after the attack, 2 men being treated for gunshots in Bislig, over the provincial line in Surigao del Sur Province, were bagged by the army as having taken part in the attack. The NPA, or New Peoples Army as the Maoists call themselves, have their own medics and physicians and the 2 men had moderate wounds so IF they are NPA, they weren't at Trento. Of course, with army methods anyone would admit to anything. Suprisingly the army just charged a Captain and 3 seargents with Torture for an incident 3 weeks ago in Basilan Province, on the western coast of Mindanao. They took an Abu Sayyaf guerilla and gave him a gasoline enema by shoving a 1 liter glass cola bottle up his rectum as he was bent over a saw horse, in addition to burning his face and genitals with an oxy-acetylene torch. That is par for the course. The shocking thing is that they are being charged. So that explains the 2 men in Bislig.

Then, this past Monday, the army launched a push and the gunships (MG520s) have been buzzing us all week. BULIF has been operating across the line in Surigao del Sur where we lost another para on Monday, who was killed along with 1 army soldier from the 26th IB. At least we killed 12 guerillas, right?

The interesting thing is that over the last 2 weeks the NPA has launched 4 attacks with 200 plus gueriilas in each. The usual force is less than 75 guerillas so things are heating up.

I am sick, sick , sick and so tired of it. No one wants to hear me whine anymore and I don't blame them. I have a stomach disease and there is no cure. Medication helps but doc has cut me off due to not making a visit. I got sick enough without meds I made the damn apt., but doc is a busy man, so that was 3 wks out. Coming up now on Tues., and I am at the end of my rope. I have a very demanding job and have been required to put in lots of overtime. I do traffic control, mostly flagging, when not, everything else is very physical. The end is in site n if I make it thru work today I will have 2 days of weekend, if I am lucky. That is if! I don't know my schedule ever until the night before and we are hella busy right now and way short handed. Timing is great. I actually hope no one views my blog but if so, I did my whining here so no one had to hear it. Got to get ready for work. Fuck!

sober...

bore...

shooting suboxone pills (the needle is an addiction in and of itself) prooved un-satisfying... i used to shoot subutex, and those had a rush, but these are diff... u push, and then... nothing

but then like 5 minutes later, the bupe pulls through and u start to get a rush... honestly i only iv them cuz...

1. i can play with needles!!!!
2.save my meds
3.i can't stand the taste in my nose
4. i can stand the strips in my mouth, but not the pills, and the pills were the only thing in town...(the pharmacies!)

these little hexagons have saved me... however, im sober, bored... and... CRAVING hard...

just, like, constant... pot helps... but (licks lips) what i would do... if i wasn't on this orange crap!

no.. no no... this is saving my life, humans breathe, heroin users don't...

the 9 in 10 figure sticks out...


only 1 in 10 iv heroin users makes it out...

i've been in the top 90% of various fields of education throughout my life, however, never like...

I CAN DO IT


but seriously, it keeps ringing in my head,...


em, i've been awake to long, off my planet!

How much longer does one have to wait to to be off Suboxone before a high occurs, I cannot get high for anything. It has been 3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!