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ok so its over with, the wedding that is. feels like it took so long to plan I almost cant believe its over... I like to live my life always having something to look forward to and for almost a year that was it... now I'm looking ahead to sept for a visit to FL to scope out houses to rent cause we're trying to move there. I hope that works out, I dunno what the construction business in FL looks like, but I hope it's got room for one more white guy trying to get paid.

I just got at least 6 weeks of work building decks for this company, it doesn't pay as well as I'd like to start, but hopefully after a week or two they'll see that I'm worth more and give me a raise. I haven't mentioned that I need one of those weeks off already but if they don't like it too bad, I'm going either way. I'll find more work, always do...

alright blog. that's all for now. more to come in the future I'm sure.

ugh
i had this friend who stopped being friends with me. we were so tight. he was a 45 year old gay man with hiv. i met him at my hookup's. we had like a platonic love affair. he's a makeup artist and a stylist and an artist and does all these amazing things. he treated me better than anyone ever has before. he's said some of the nicest things ever to me.

so anyway he stopped being my friend and didn't bother to explain why. which totally broke my heart.

i tried to make up with him but it was stupid and didn't work out.

i had deleted his number a while ago. today i get this txt from a number i didn't recognize, saying Sup? so i replied, who is this? no answer. for some stupid reason i assumed it might be my former friend, and i txted, if this is so and so, i miss you every single day. this convo continued for a while until suddenly i realized that it's not my friend at all but someone fucking with me.

hi, i'm an idiot. why did i even wake up today? oh yeah that's right, to dole money out. i hate my life so much sometimes. woe is me. i know. so do something about it.

update
yeah and i am still fucking miserable over it. i miss the hell out of him. it's kinda selfish, because i really enjoyed having a friend who does hair and makeup. but i always helped him out in exchange. i thought he would always accept me the way i am. and he didn't. every time i am near where he lives, it makes me want to cry. he is the only person i said 'i love you' in years. and he would say it back. i miss you, Hollis Rhodes. i don't want to have my heart broken but i still love you and miss the fuck outta you.

i really could use a litttle education on how to inject certain things i have been doing it for awhile now but i obviously have bben doing it wrong according to alot of ur posts

The sun had not yet risen, but the intense gold and rose light diffracting/reflecting through the clouds was enough to wake me. I went outsied, built a fire in the fire ring, and put on a kettle of water to make coffee.

I am extrememly strained and psychically exhausted from city living. I have lived in San Francisco and Portland for much of the last decade. Briefly, I have been crowded and pressured beyond endurance, and I’ve had enough. Enoughh of the people, their rules and regulations, and people asking me to do things for them all the time.

Thus, during the last few months, I have left my job, sold many of my belongings and put what I couldn’t sell or wanted to keep into a storage space in a town on the edge of the desert. All of my mail is being forwared to a P.O. Box at hte post office in the same town.

I am staying (practically squatting) at a cabin on a ranch in the high desert in eastern Oregon. The only sounds that reach me in the space whre I type are the lowing of cattle in the distance, the wind hissing through the window screen, and thehum of my laptop. The ranch is off the grid. Meaning there is no commercially provided electricity or running water. The only way to cook is over an open fire or on a samll wood stove inside the cabin. The cabin is around 30 miles from the nearest town. For transportation, I have a bicycle, and I have an old horse named Shotgun that I might ride. However, I am reluctant to ride him far on account of his being a bit sway-backed.


The power source is a small solar panel mounted on the rooftop. The sunshine is intense here. It is so bright in fact that I have a headache from when I went outside this morning to read a week old copy of the Oregonian newspaper.

The solar panel charges a bank of car batteries. These in turn are attached to a power inverter that provides 110 volts AC. There is no phone coverage (cell or land line) out here.
IInternet is through a modem that transmits and receives data from a satellite connection.

I am writing this from a laptop which, sadly, is dying. I spent some time diagnnosing itlast night and have narrowed it down to 2 most likely causes: bad screen, or more likely a bad inverter (a part that is similar to the ballast found in ordinary fluorescent lights. Replacement cost is $39 and teh repair requires removing about 40 tiny screws, but I don’t know if FEDEX will deliver out here. I don’t even get mail.) I didn’t find this out until after I arrived here. The screen works only on the dimmest setting. It is too dim to read in normal light. I have set it up in a closet with the door closed to keep out the light.

This done, it is still difficult to read. It is difficult ot make out punctuation and spelling, much less proof read, edit, revise or correct it. I am usually very careful about htese thigns, but I can't do much about it in my current situation. Squinting at the screen is even harder given my previous eye strain from reaing the paper in the intense morning sunlight.. I hope this entry isn't too tiresome or obnoxious for anyone who might see it . Also, every time the screen blacks out (failing inverter), I have to take a flashlight, shine it on the screen at an angle in a specific direction so I can make out enough of the screen, and reboot. Despite that, for the foreseeable future, I thought I would use this space as my journal.

I have a question regarding the amount of time that 8 mg of suboxone will block opiates. I took 8 mg last night around 9 cuz I was starting to wd. I had taken the last of my opana 40 around noon and wasn't able to find anything else. My fear of wd is the reason for taking the sub so soon. Well about a hour later I met up with the guy I was trying to get opanas from. And I regretted taking the sub. My question is how long will suboxone be kickin opanas ass? Its now 10 the next morning. I just did half a opana because that's my morning routine, and I know I just wasted it cuz I dont feel it. Timing is everything. This is my first post so go easy on me.
Thx

heyy everybodyy!! iim hoping someone can help me out here!!
just got a new batch of white mac pokeballs
i had some before and they were a bit chalky
this new batch is pretty much not chalky at all!! the apple press is very very neat and the sides of the pill seem
almost shiny! do you think they could be fake? i only sell and do not injest anymore so trying them myself is out of
the question, anybody got any ways to tell a fake pill by this description? :D id greatly appreciate it!!

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i would like to run this following cycle for my next comp in 8 weeks..
Plan: 40 days test prop/tren ace @ 50mg a day then
20 days test prop/masteron & 50mg a day & i will run prop a week longer then start pct.

pct= nolva & im hopeing to get sum clomid, also have letro on hand.
I have done 3 mass cycles in last 4 years (500mg suss per week) but have never done a pre comp cycle.

Stats: age 34, weight 104kg, bf 16% been working out for last 7 years.
Diet: high protein, moderate fat & 1 carb feed every 3rd day (icup oats & nana) thats it.
Can anyone give any advice on this cycle to help me get on top of podium,
any tips or tweaks would be awsome!!!
Cheers

During the last six months, an episode of salmonella illnesses has sickened 77 individuals and killed one. The disease is proving tough to handle, as it is immune to several antibiotics. The authorities have yet to pin down a reason for this outbreak, though ground turkey is tentatively the culprit. The proof is here: 6 month salmonella outbreak still leaving FDA mystified.


Update, 3:22 p.m. Pacific Time: The USDA has announced a recall of 36 million pounds of ground Cargill brand turkey in conjunction with these diseases.


Salmonella outbreak


Since March 1, the CDC has reported at least 77 scenarios of drug-resistant salmonella infections in 26 states. A strain called Salmonella Heidelberg is what has shown up. Several people in the government have been attempting to link the Salmonella Heidelberg to some kind of food product or illness. No connection has been made so far. The infection has brought on 22 people to be put to the hospital.


Problem being faced


Figuring out the connection between a food product and the Salmonella Heidelberg Illness is the biggest problem the FDA and CDC face with the illness. A tentative connection has been established between the illnesses and ground turkey from an unnamed processing plant. However, salmonella isn't considered an "adulterant" because it exists in almost all commercial poultry goods.. It is something those with the diseases don’t even know where came from. They don’t know how to follow it down. Symptoms don’t show up right away. It will take 12 to 72 hours after eating the food most of the time. The Food and Drug Administration, United States Department of Agriculture and CDC cannot recall any kind of food without a connection that is definitive.


Safeguarding yourself from salmonella


It is very easy to protect yourself from the infection. Make sure any ground meat eaten is cooked to 165 degrees or higher so you can eat it safely. All hands, utensils and preparation surfaces should be cleaned with hot water and soap. Really, this ought to be what is done before and after preparing meat with them. Since food-safety rules aren’t always followed correctly, food-borne illnesses happen at home more than anywhere else. That means you should make sure you cook food to the right temperature and wash hands carefully. Without the right preparation, poultry-based salmonella is dangerous and deadly. It can be prevented though.


Articles cited



CBS News: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20087419-10391704.html



CNN: http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/08/02/california.salmonella/



Division of Environmental Health, State of Alaska: http://www.dec.state.ak.us/eh/fss/consumers/food_myths.htm



ABC News: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/drug-r...ound-ground-turkey-usda-mum/story?id=14217046

I can't believe I have actually been sober for this long. I really wish I had some weed..haven't smoked in probably 3 months now. Kinda missing it. Working on trying to get a job though so it's probably best that I don't.

That's one thing I hate...You can use any other drug and be clean in 3-4 days, smoke a bowl of weed and you piss dirty for 2+ weeks. The least harmful drug in the world and it's almost impossible to indulge without worry.

///

off k-pins today, back to subs... got the pills, no strips in stock in town..


jesus... i really just wanna smoke a bowl of weed...


i created this blog to let my real feelings out... i guess i dont have any real feelings right now...

time to clean up i guess...

So, i have a friend from far away, she heard a song i made and liked it and we've been chatting...

I was very lonely, and out of the dark a message came, we agreed we were both in alot of pain.
we agreed that we just wanted someone to talk to and she suggest we simply take turns and listen.
how simple, how soothing...

she's being abused... i'm abusing myself... we both we're[are] out of control...

but now she tells me she's found motivation in my words, motivation in my song, and motivation to make change.
this inspires me beyond words.

its just easier with someone to talk to... all i'm sayin...

the point here is i should've been able to talk to my girlfriend/family about these things... however, i just don't quite rightly know... why... i cant...

i need a EIKO Advantage projector bulb...

spice!

I have been back in the Philippines for almost a week now and back on Mindanao since yesterday. The flight from New York to Hong Kong was uneventful, had to stop in Alaska again for a disorienting 20 minutes as they topped off the tanks and vacuumed the cabin. The airport in Anchorage is a bit strange. They have glass cubes of the sort you see in museums, floor to ceiling high and maybe 5 X 5 meters in area. Inside they have stuffed wildlife in natural poses. Nothing like stumbling off of an overnight flight and making eye contact with an erect grizzly bear as it takes a bite out of a raging moose. I will try and remember to photograph the dioramas next time I hit Anchorage.

Unfortunately I don't drink. China Air and Cathay Pacific, the 2 airlines I usually use, are very liberal with wine. Somehow I always end up next to grumpy, elderly Chinese men. I haven't met too many Chinese who can handle their liquor but at least they aren't angry drunks. At worst they just make a sour face and segue into snoring with pig-like grunts and whistles...that or insist on doing kareoke despite the fact that there is no kareoke on any plane I have ever been on. Me? I just listen to my various 4GB memoury cards full of music (each has like 2,000 tracks) or watch the various films they have. They say more and more flights will have internet available but to date I have only been able to enjoy it a single time.

Hong Kong is a great airport. Like Bangkok it is brand new and unlike Bangkok it has some great freebies. There are free internet terminals! Before I had International Plans for my mobiles I used to have to buy 10 HK worth of over-priced groceries to get 15 minutes of internet time in 7-11-like minimarts.

Hong Kong to Manila is 4 hours of nervously happy people since the flights are invariably filled with OFWs (Overseas Foreign Workers-Filipinos exported by their government on multi-year labour contracts) and would be internet lotharios arriving to meet their cyber girlfriends for the first time. OFWs only get home once every 4 or 5 years and lotharios? Well sometimes they have been chatting for 2 or 3 years without ever seeing the girl (I say "girl" but a fair number of "girlfriends" are actually Ladyboys, as cross dressers are called in Southeast Asia.

Joysa had taken a taxi from Pampanga Province, almost 3 hours north of Manila, to be able to meet my plane. I never travel with more than an overnight bag so I am off the plane and out the door as soon as I clear Customs and Immigration, usually 30 minutes or less since I am a white skinned foreigner. It is sad but if you are dark skinned you can be there all day, especially if you are a black African. Since China executed 3 Filipinos for heroin smuggling a couple of months ago the Bureau of Immigration has been fucking with Africans big time. Of course it is true that virtually all air-smugglers are run by West Africans but it is also true that not all West Africans smuggle coke and dope.

Joysa was waiting at the airport's pathetic arrivals kiosk, a cinderblock building with a Jollibee takeaway counter. Jollibee is the Filipino fastfood giant that sells soggy burgers (almost certain that they are half-soy) and a fist full of boiled white rice with every meal. As usual Joysa looked fantastic, and as usual everyone stared at us. The assumption naturally is that I am one of those would be lotharios meeting my Asian squeeze for the first time. We love to shock everybody by ramming our tongues down each other's throats as soon as we touch. Southeast Asians are anal retentive about public displays of affection though those in Manila are nowhere as bad as they are on Mindanao where you can't hold hands unless married. Onlookers are aghast imagining I have just met this girl who is groping me and won't let me stop kissing her...

We went to my studio and spent 5 days house hunting. I prefer to stay in Makati which has the only Jewish Community in the Philippines, as well as the Israeli Embassy but Joysa cannot get her mind around cost. In her home province of Bulacan, just north of Metro Manila, 20,000 Pesos (650 US) a month gets me a marble floored mansion with indoor/outdoor pool, manicured grounds, in home office, etc. 20,000 Pesos in Makati is a 1 bedroom flat with no utilities or a/c. My studio is the equivalent of 260 US a month, more or less, but it is tiny. I just used it as an alternative to hotels in my travels in and out of the Philippines.

For 5,000 Pesos (140 US) a month I can rent a 2 bedroom townhouse in a gated community in Bulacan, community pool, security, etc. Therefore Joysa has her heart set on a townhome in Bulacan. I told her that it must be far away enough from her family that we only see them once a week at most. Luckily for me she agrees whole heartedly but still, I don't see myself living in Central Luzon (Luzon being the island holding Manila, Bulacan, etc.).

I will continue this in a following post...

she threatened to do it for three days straight, what am i to do?
she was admitted to the er, and she talked he way out of it...

*this happened at an undetermined period in space-time*
i scored a bag, i put on some porn... i mixed it up, got to that special place, where the mess is made but hasn't been made yet, held my breath, registered, plunger down, shot a reasonable mess of genetic material,

damn...

that didn't feel nearly as good as i thought it would... i'd need an iv, and a helper, but this is just too far...

hedonism is one thing, and heroin certainly is that... but this is just asking for it..




so im sorry my blog has been "HOLY SHIT FUCK MY GIRLFRIEND I LOVE HEROIN AND XANAX" but... i dunno what else to say


i need a real job

im doing great as far as using go's...


suboxone saved me


too tired, will report back in the morning, just wanted to make sure everyone knew just how much i enjoy a good orgasm...

This sucks

TESTING 1 2 3 ....

I got drunk as shit tonight and laughed my ass off with all of my friends who have moved far, far away.
I am one happy panda right now. I wish it could always be like this for me.

Times are getting rougher, each day.
I realize, I should instead of seeing a mountain climb said mountain of shit.

Honestly, a year and a half ago I would have said no problem. Now, it feels impossible. Let's begin the dumpage.

Last year: Late abortion, car accident, a job that overworked me to the point where i self sabotaged and ruined the job that I was fiscally and emotionally very devoted to. More debt, these events catalyzed the destruction of my relationship. I then entered school, which was awesome, our condo flooded, putting strain on my ability to perform academically. Then, i fucked up some finances, more stress financially. Then i find out some horrible infidelities of my partner of 7 years... horrible horrible actions. Which landed me in a mental hospital, and I then moved back in with my parents in August of last year. Since this time, I developed a heroine addiction which i quit 3 months ago on my own, and my parents don't have running water. They cant pay the bills. Ontop of this, I apply for jobs, but hear no word and I am experience wise, very qualified. I am extremely lonely, living in a stupid town far far away from my home of 7 years.

I am at a very dangerous point. To myself. I am in a position in which I am very depressed, trapped, and have no means of helping myself. I barely sleep anymore and barely eat. I'm falling apart.

So I have been getting weird brain zaps and withdrawal like symptoms, so I went to see my doctor yesterday. We talked and we came under the decision that the Seroquel must stop, at least for now.

You see Seroquel is an SSRI as you might know and I have a history with epilepsy and she's worried that it might have inhibited something it shouldn't have (or rather should have but I cant HAVE inhibited) and those brain zaps run a good chance of being seizures of a very mild kind.

Hell not that they're mild to me, they fucking hurt and bothersome and are just putting me out of sorts.

So I've been off Seroquel 48hrs now, I stopped the night before the appointment of my own accord, not cause of brain zaps but rather I refused to take them that night and I stayed up all night talking to my girlfriend from Sunset to Sunrise

I've come to a conundrum, you see in my past my relationships were because I felt the need to have to date someone to either not be alone or the fad of it (as a teenager). Now that I am beyond all that pettiness I have come to realize that I might have thought I was in love in the past but it was just that I didn't want to be alone. So I really don't know the difference between that "need" and actual being in love / falling in love / etc.

Maybe that's why my subconscious picked an amazing person who lives 2.5hrs away from me that can't spend every day with me. It gives us the chance to learn about each other and have a real relationship (of sorts) and not fall into the trap of 3 step lesbians. I am definitely not a 3 step lesbian, not into that type of thing at all. Maybe a 2372463746 step lesbian or something LOL.

We started chatting May 28th and met for the first time on July 22nd, she came down a second time a week later on the 28th. We had a talk about what we want and we both agree we want a relationship, though that conversation was like pulling teeth on BOTH sides LOL 3 days ago and the other day we had deep convos about feelings and such. I'm not one for talking about cheesy stuff.

I am so out of my element/safe zone/whatev with this gal and I am fucking loving it. She is helping me get back to me, the me that I always needed to get back to, the one that is outgoing and not so shy. Who has a sky soaring ego and high self esteem.

Fuck, I'm sounding like a god damned Hallmark Card. LOL.

Things are good but I'm still paranoid about it all, its hard not to be. More so that she lives 2.5hrs away from me and we can only hang out 7 days out of 31 days. We are working on maybe a week visit or something.... "longer" was the key word but longer can be anything over 3 day visit.

Her birthday is on the 20th and I hope she can visit. Going to plan something special. Dinner at a nice restaurant, flowers, a nice walk, then come back home to some candles and massage oils and a calm set tone in the house.

I dunno what to get her for her birthday though.


So, if anyone can enlighten me on what is Love, what is falling in love. what is real.....

bah, I fucking suck. LOL.


She sent me these two songs:
http://youtu.be/mvBxmQ-P45A
http://youtu.be/gRZumd8uFZI

So I sent back:
http://youtu.be/_1VsthoCrRs
http://youtu.be/QdxyPYVBh5I

The night was full of cheesy mushy convo, and as always a blast.

What I really wanted to send was: http://youtu.be/C5G8jkkiiqY

.....but I chickened out.


I haven't told my mom yet, hell I'm not even OUT to my mom and brother yet. They plan on coming down to visit around the time my gf will be here.

..... well.....this should be fun......

I will be trying to break this weekend. i have been on heroin for over 3 years doing around 2-3 grams daily just slammend my last hit with 3 hydrocodone 10//325 pills and 1 zanax bar 2mg bar feelling great i know i can stop using herion but what would be a safe replacement for the high i would get from the heroin? me taking the 3 hydrocodone was not to mutch was it i wiegh 155 lbs and am 5'7" hello to all i am a total newbee here but not to drugs just tried heroin one day and liked it but dont want to go back to it. suboxian is not something that works on me.

I really think my gf melissa's uncle barry is gonna kick the ____ outa me. cuz he blames me for getting his niece on drugs. Just a proof of me saying this.....just in case.


No near friends. all family across state...wish me luck

I have a job interview today. I really really need it. It's minimum wage and part time but at least it will pay for more than just my rent (which is what I've got now).
Eeeeeee
I'm still nervous

Swim has a 20mg m. Amphet. Salts and wants to inject is it same as the 30mg tabs can the beads be crushed and prepared the same way

First of all, I hope someone read this, cause I really want to share with people how was probably the best feeling of my 25 years of life.

First of all, I have been doing drugs since 3 or 4 years ago. I began with "soft drugs" life Diphenhydramine (Benadryl), DXM, Tramadol, etc; after doing some connections thanks to the internet, I started doing Coke, lots of LSD, benzos, opiates, Ketamine (this was the best), and even IVed some drugs like Diazepam every night.

Well, because of my lack of sense, perforamance at work, and really bad fights with my family, my addiction began to slowly stop when I ODed on Xanax, alcohol, god knows how many seizure medications, and Quetiapine; yeah, I crashed badly.
After a day in the hospital with lots of IV insulin and oral Diclofenac, I somewhat managed to retake my life doing only "soft drugs". Right now, I'm working ok in my job and the relationship with my family it's going smoothly.

The nod
Today I did 2g of Gabapentin at work (around 2 PM) with food. When I came home, I did 2mg Xanax, 480mg Codeine, 1g Gabapentin, and 2mg Clonazepam. I ate some snacks.
Picture that I was playing with my PS3 in my room, almost totally was dark, and I was relaxed.
Suddenly, I start to nod BADLY, to the point that I had to stop playing and tried to stay "awake" browsing some sites, but the nod was so strong that I have no other option that fall to my bed with my headphone and listen to music while moving my legs and arms (specially my legs) feeling so much pleasure that my breathing was extremely slow.
I was nodding so hard that everything was sureal. I didn't understand what was happening for real, because I do drugs like Codeine, Tramadol, DXM, benzos, Gabapentin, Pregabalin, etc. every week. But never, really, never felt a nod so strong from Codeine, and did experience so much pleasure from the trip.

I really wonder what happened. It felt like I was doing lots of Morphine, my breathing was so slow and light that I think it was a little dangerous, and the pleasure -oh god, how I achieved this.

Thanks for reading and peace guys.