Loneliness. Yep, I think this title describes it perfectly.
I said earlier in my first blog I probably wasn't going to write anything until probably tomorrow or a later date, but I need to get this subject off of my mind, like, now. I can't even count how many times I've written about it though... either on Word, or on a blog on Facebook, or whatever... it never helps. But what the hell, maybe this time something will actually click and make sense.
Almost 4 years ago now, I met the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. And then through unfortunate circumstances, I lost him. I'm going to try not to say his name in this post, mostly because I already see it enough in every day life... he has a ridiculously common last name, and it's even a popular brand name of a certain sport (not Burton, in case you were wondering lol), and since I met him in the military and that's what I knew him by for most of the time I knew him, hearing/seeing his last name (hell, even his first name) still kind of makes me flinch. So I'm going to hold off on that on here at least so I don't overdose on missing him-ness whenever I read this. But moving on.
I'm not going to give the whole backstory, because it doesn't matter. The only thing that really matters regarding the subject at hand is how I felt. We clicked instantly the second I met him - no awkwardness or not knowing what to say - we just immediately started talking and joking around like we'd know each other our whole lives. And the first time we actually hung out, we were already all cuddled up within an hour. Whenever he would touch my arm or my back or whatever it seriously felt like electricity. I know it sounds cheesy but I'm not sure how else to describe it. That feeling never went away, actually. However, we took things ridiculously slow. We didn't even kiss until a week into when we were dating. After that, yeah, I'd sleep in his room every night and we'd make out or whatever, but it never went any further than that. We NEVER had sex... we both wanted to wait for some reason, strange because neither of us had never felt the need to wait with anyone before... but it's kind of a shame, because I'm sure it would have been ridiculously amazing. But maybe it's a good thing we didn't, idk. It probably would have made everything a hundred times harder in the end.
I feel weird using the word "soulmate" because it's a little TOO intense, but "best friend" and other words are also way too weak to describe it. So I don't even know. We just had this crazy connection. It was like he was the male version of me, I swear. We had the same interests in, like... EVERYTHING... we were even from the same hometwon. He knew everything about me, and vice versa. He told me once after he had come home on leave, that he was thinking about it while he was surfing and had come to the conclusion that, "we share the same brain." Which was kind of true. We even talked about getting married and moving in together and all this other shit... people used to say we fought like a married couple, but that we were also "perfect" together... and we did, we got into some crazy screaming fights, but at the end of the day we still cared. And we never went to bed angry at each other, we always made up an hour after, at least I can say that much.
There's really no way to put it into words. What I described above doesn't cover it; there's not really a word for the type of connection we had. All I know is that I loved and cared about him more than anyone in this world, that to me he was perfect... hell, I even found his little flaws and quirks perfect, there isn't one thing I would have ever changed about him. It was easily the most powerful feeling I have ever felt and like I said there's no words to describe it, but it hasn't faded even a little bit after four years.
I don't know, man. I miss him so much it hurts. I mean, it literally hurts, some days the emotional pain is so intense that it actually makes me flinch. There's like a constant aching somewhere... like a part of me is missing... it hasn't gone away either, I've just gotten used to it. I actually look forward to dreaming about him because it's the only time where I feel like he's still THERE, even though I wake up anxious. How freaking sad is that? Of course, I can go out and have a good time and what not, but it's always there somewhere, even if it's not there all the way, just a dull ache. And then there's days like today, where I feel it full force, and it's so bad that I feel like dying or something. Even with all of the pain it causes, I don't want to forget him. Do I want to get over him? Yeah. I'm not a sadist, it's not like I ENJOY this pain. But if it means forgetting him completely, well that is never going to happen. So I guess mostly I've just learned to live around it.
I get really lonely sometimes though. Because I know I'm never going to find anyone that can possibly ever compare to him. He was that once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. Not even once in a lifetime... I know people who go their entire lives and don't even find love that intense. So I'm not going to kid myself into thinking it's going to come around again; I know it won't. But the thing is, I LIKE the feeling of falling in "love", even if it's just the puppy love I felt for people before I met him. I even like the feeling of being in "like" with someone who likes you back. And I still want that. The only problem is, I haven't found it since then, and I'm not sure if I can.
It used to be easy for me to fall in "like" or even in "love". But now it's nearly impossible. I got into one relationship after, where I thought I liked the guy at first, and then after a month or two I just kind of hit this wall. It seems like now, when I like someone, it doesn't work out because it's the wrong person. Or... no, that's a lie. I either hit a wall with them immediately and if they're lucky, just make them my new booty call for a while until I get bored (my fault). Or I DON'T immediately hit that wall, but something in the back of my mind causes me to self-sabotage the whole thing before it can even start. I don't even do it consciously, I just get really scared and do little things that push them away without even realizing it. So I don't know if I'm capable of falling in full "like" or in "love" with a person anymore, because I haven't had the chance to try.
The guy I like right now, it started off that way. I did a few things to push him away. In the middle of it all, I finally realized what I was doing and that I was the problem... not the guys being assholes. It was MY actions and MY insecurities that was causing these guys to act like assholes... or for me to perceive them as such. And so I told this guy that I realized what I was doing, and that I was going to work to change. And I am working on changing it. I'm trying to stop and think before I do or say things now. And when an insecurity rises up, I try to take a step back and put it into perspective, maybe give it a day or two, just to make sure it's not just in my head, before I act on it. It's not even just for him, it's mostly for my own sanity. So anyway, this new guy claims he's giving me a second chance, but I can feel it in my gut that it's already too far gone... the damage has definitely already been done... and to be honest, I'm not sure if he even wants to be friends anymore, which sucks.
This bothers me more than it would bother most people. Because even though I have any number of guys interested in me at a time, it's never "time to move on to the next one" for me. Because it's very, VERY rare that I meet someone who likes me, that I actually like back. So whenever this happens, I always feel like it's going to be the last time.
I always tell people I'm okay with being single and not having a guy in my life, and they believe me. Which is exactly what I want. Sometimes I can even fool myself into thinking I'm okay with it. But when it comes down to it, I'm not. Everyone around me has someone, except for me. It's not even that I want to jump into a relationship, that's not what I'm looking for. I just want someone... around. Someone who likes me and who I like back and who I can cuddle with and feel comfortable around and have those butterflies with again. But fuck. It's just not happening for me, I'm rapidly losing faith that it ever will. And I truly just don't understand how I can have all these people around me, and all these guys interested in me, and still be probably the loneliest person I know.
It's like I have so much to offer, but I can't offer it. Either because I hit a wall and can't give someone that chance, or because the guys I meet I actually DO like don't want to give me that chance when I start to push them away... even when I explain to them why I'm doing it and that I'm changing and working on it.
It's just... whatever. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world, I've come to realize. I think that's what drew me into opiate addiction to begin with. At least opiates kept me company... euphoric... they made all of the pain go away. Really, that's the only time I haven't felt that horrible achy hole, is when I was riding an opiate high. Maybe that's why my cravings have come back so strongly lately... I don't know... I just need relief from this for one day. ONE fucking day, that's all I'm asking. But is that ever going to happen? No. I can't touch opiates anymore. I can't even find someone to help fill the hole. Not that anyone will ever be able to fill it, but I CAN think of a few people who would at least be able to heal it... but like I said, that's never going to happen... too far gone...
I don't know what to do anymore.
I said earlier in my first blog I probably wasn't going to write anything until probably tomorrow or a later date, but I need to get this subject off of my mind, like, now. I can't even count how many times I've written about it though... either on Word, or on a blog on Facebook, or whatever... it never helps. But what the hell, maybe this time something will actually click and make sense.
Almost 4 years ago now, I met the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. And then through unfortunate circumstances, I lost him. I'm going to try not to say his name in this post, mostly because I already see it enough in every day life... he has a ridiculously common last name, and it's even a popular brand name of a certain sport (not Burton, in case you were wondering lol), and since I met him in the military and that's what I knew him by for most of the time I knew him, hearing/seeing his last name (hell, even his first name) still kind of makes me flinch. So I'm going to hold off on that on here at least so I don't overdose on missing him-ness whenever I read this. But moving on.
I'm not going to give the whole backstory, because it doesn't matter. The only thing that really matters regarding the subject at hand is how I felt. We clicked instantly the second I met him - no awkwardness or not knowing what to say - we just immediately started talking and joking around like we'd know each other our whole lives. And the first time we actually hung out, we were already all cuddled up within an hour. Whenever he would touch my arm or my back or whatever it seriously felt like electricity. I know it sounds cheesy but I'm not sure how else to describe it. That feeling never went away, actually. However, we took things ridiculously slow. We didn't even kiss until a week into when we were dating. After that, yeah, I'd sleep in his room every night and we'd make out or whatever, but it never went any further than that. We NEVER had sex... we both wanted to wait for some reason, strange because neither of us had never felt the need to wait with anyone before... but it's kind of a shame, because I'm sure it would have been ridiculously amazing. But maybe it's a good thing we didn't, idk. It probably would have made everything a hundred times harder in the end.
I feel weird using the word "soulmate" because it's a little TOO intense, but "best friend" and other words are also way too weak to describe it. So I don't even know. We just had this crazy connection. It was like he was the male version of me, I swear. We had the same interests in, like... EVERYTHING... we were even from the same hometwon. He knew everything about me, and vice versa. He told me once after he had come home on leave, that he was thinking about it while he was surfing and had come to the conclusion that, "we share the same brain." Which was kind of true. We even talked about getting married and moving in together and all this other shit... people used to say we fought like a married couple, but that we were also "perfect" together... and we did, we got into some crazy screaming fights, but at the end of the day we still cared. And we never went to bed angry at each other, we always made up an hour after, at least I can say that much.
There's really no way to put it into words. What I described above doesn't cover it; there's not really a word for the type of connection we had. All I know is that I loved and cared about him more than anyone in this world, that to me he was perfect... hell, I even found his little flaws and quirks perfect, there isn't one thing I would have ever changed about him. It was easily the most powerful feeling I have ever felt and like I said there's no words to describe it, but it hasn't faded even a little bit after four years.
I don't know, man. I miss him so much it hurts. I mean, it literally hurts, some days the emotional pain is so intense that it actually makes me flinch. There's like a constant aching somewhere... like a part of me is missing... it hasn't gone away either, I've just gotten used to it. I actually look forward to dreaming about him because it's the only time where I feel like he's still THERE, even though I wake up anxious. How freaking sad is that? Of course, I can go out and have a good time and what not, but it's always there somewhere, even if it's not there all the way, just a dull ache. And then there's days like today, where I feel it full force, and it's so bad that I feel like dying or something. Even with all of the pain it causes, I don't want to forget him. Do I want to get over him? Yeah. I'm not a sadist, it's not like I ENJOY this pain. But if it means forgetting him completely, well that is never going to happen. So I guess mostly I've just learned to live around it.
I get really lonely sometimes though. Because I know I'm never going to find anyone that can possibly ever compare to him. He was that once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. Not even once in a lifetime... I know people who go their entire lives and don't even find love that intense. So I'm not going to kid myself into thinking it's going to come around again; I know it won't. But the thing is, I LIKE the feeling of falling in "love", even if it's just the puppy love I felt for people before I met him. I even like the feeling of being in "like" with someone who likes you back. And I still want that. The only problem is, I haven't found it since then, and I'm not sure if I can.
It used to be easy for me to fall in "like" or even in "love". But now it's nearly impossible. I got into one relationship after, where I thought I liked the guy at first, and then after a month or two I just kind of hit this wall. It seems like now, when I like someone, it doesn't work out because it's the wrong person. Or... no, that's a lie. I either hit a wall with them immediately and if they're lucky, just make them my new booty call for a while until I get bored (my fault). Or I DON'T immediately hit that wall, but something in the back of my mind causes me to self-sabotage the whole thing before it can even start. I don't even do it consciously, I just get really scared and do little things that push them away without even realizing it. So I don't know if I'm capable of falling in full "like" or in "love" with a person anymore, because I haven't had the chance to try.
The guy I like right now, it started off that way. I did a few things to push him away. In the middle of it all, I finally realized what I was doing and that I was the problem... not the guys being assholes. It was MY actions and MY insecurities that was causing these guys to act like assholes... or for me to perceive them as such. And so I told this guy that I realized what I was doing, and that I was going to work to change. And I am working on changing it. I'm trying to stop and think before I do or say things now. And when an insecurity rises up, I try to take a step back and put it into perspective, maybe give it a day or two, just to make sure it's not just in my head, before I act on it. It's not even just for him, it's mostly for my own sanity. So anyway, this new guy claims he's giving me a second chance, but I can feel it in my gut that it's already too far gone... the damage has definitely already been done... and to be honest, I'm not sure if he even wants to be friends anymore, which sucks.
This bothers me more than it would bother most people. Because even though I have any number of guys interested in me at a time, it's never "time to move on to the next one" for me. Because it's very, VERY rare that I meet someone who likes me, that I actually like back. So whenever this happens, I always feel like it's going to be the last time.
I always tell people I'm okay with being single and not having a guy in my life, and they believe me. Which is exactly what I want. Sometimes I can even fool myself into thinking I'm okay with it. But when it comes down to it, I'm not. Everyone around me has someone, except for me. It's not even that I want to jump into a relationship, that's not what I'm looking for. I just want someone... around. Someone who likes me and who I like back and who I can cuddle with and feel comfortable around and have those butterflies with again. But fuck. It's just not happening for me, I'm rapidly losing faith that it ever will. And I truly just don't understand how I can have all these people around me, and all these guys interested in me, and still be probably the loneliest person I know.
It's like I have so much to offer, but I can't offer it. Either because I hit a wall and can't give someone that chance, or because the guys I meet I actually DO like don't want to give me that chance when I start to push them away... even when I explain to them why I'm doing it and that I'm changing and working on it.
It's just... whatever. Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world, I've come to realize. I think that's what drew me into opiate addiction to begin with. At least opiates kept me company... euphoric... they made all of the pain go away. Really, that's the only time I haven't felt that horrible achy hole, is when I was riding an opiate high. Maybe that's why my cravings have come back so strongly lately... I don't know... I just need relief from this for one day. ONE fucking day, that's all I'm asking. But is that ever going to happen? No. I can't touch opiates anymore. I can't even find someone to help fill the hole. Not that anyone will ever be able to fill it, but I CAN think of a few people who would at least be able to heal it... but like I said, that's never going to happen... too far gone...
I don't know what to do anymore.
