Well, weed is good for a lot of things, obviously. From tons of roflcopters, to creativity in all types of art (it even makes my acting better!), to just chillaxin and having a good time with friends, to benefitting your health... to making you forget about your problems for a while... or for helping to solve them altogether.
Yeah, let's go back to that last one. Cause it's definitely one of THOSE nights - a get really, really stoned and muse over my problems while reading the philosophy and SLR forums on BL kind of night.
I've recently become very uncomfortable with a situation. A guy situation, to be exact. Just kinda hit me other day out of no where - my women's intuition kicked into high gear and I felt that something was off. It's amazing how many of the little, subconscious signals the other person gives off without meaning to when that happens, ones that more or less confirm that yes, something IS going on, and that it's not something good.
AND BEFORE ANYONE GOES AND SAYS "women's intuition doesn't exist, it's just a myth, blah blah etc.", I just want to say one thing: I used to be doubtful too, but then I figured out that yes, it does exist. I can even give several examples of what I'm talking about for the doubters.
Getting back to the point - I'm not comfortable with the situation anymore (I wonder though - have I ever really been?) and my feelings are kind of at stake. Sure, I like to lie to myself and say that I don't care and blah blah blah... but when it comes down to it? Yeah, I kind of actually do care. Because it hurts when he does certain things. And if I didn't care, it wouldn't hurt... would it? The only thing I know for a fact in regards to this entire situation is that it hurts and I don't want it to anymore. From an outside perspective, everything seems fine... perfect, even. But trust me, it's all just a surface effect. Things are not fine, and it's as though we're both putting on some sort of front. Then there's my intuition, which is telling me that there's something else going on over on his end. I just don't know what it is. Either a new girlfriend, or... I don't even know... but I know there's definitely something... and that it's something I won't like.
Obviously I'm not going to ask him to change, let's be rational here. But I can't exactly just force myself to change the way I feel about the things he does and, most importantly, him. At least not overnight. Because this is the one fault of women's intuition - it gives you a feeling that something is wrong, but no clear answers. So now it begs a few questions: should I look for answers - be straight with him, since communication has always been our strongest point and the only reason we've even made it this far? Would doing so ease my fears or confirm them? And if it's the latter, am I ready to handle that? We've been through a lot and seem to have made it pretty far all things considered, but is it even worth it anymore? I mean... are we legitimately making progress, the way we say we are? I know I've tried, but is he really trying? Are we just lying to ourselves? At what point did everything get lost, and what was it that turned this situation into a way for us to simply bring our acting abilities off-screen and into real life? If I can figure out what it was, is it even salvageable anymore? Would he even give it a chance to BE salvaged? Do I even want to try? So again... is it even worth it anymore?
Questions that turn into more questions. It's true that I overanalyze things, but honestly... once that first red flag is waved, I get scared. I've been hurt far too many times, and 75% of those times could have been prevented if I had just stopped. Just for one second. And just listened to my intuition and to logic. Or paid enough attention to my surroundings and what was actually going on instead of what I wanted to be going on, then adapted or adjusted my attitude and expectations. But on the flip side, I also have a hard time letting my feelings go. Meeting a guy I'm actually interested in is hard for me to come by, rare indeed. So naturally when it comes around, I like to take advantage of it and give the guy a chance. I've given him so many chances already, but it's hard to just give up. I think the other problem is that I'm starting to get kind of lonely. I'm not saying I need a guy to be happy, not at all.. I love myself regardless and have had some of the best times of my life being single! But when literally everyone I chill with regularly has someone and it's being thrown in your face ALL the time, it's difficult to ignore. I can't help but think that I kind of want that someday soon, too.
I'm not even talking about a full-on serious relationship. I just want someone to BE there, someone I can take care of and who takes care of me, that I can do nice things for, share things with, someone I can count on, someone I can enjoy the feelings of liking someone who likes you back with, someone I can have fun with, and make out with and have lots of great sex with. Because I DO need sex... I love it way too much. And I am not getting what I consider my fair share of fulfilling sex. Because no, having sex with one of my guy friends whenever I'm desperate doesn't count as being "fulfilling". I like to try to not sleep with guys I'm not dating, but ometimes you just gotta take care of business... and since I do not have a penis, doing it myself just isn't enough at times! So hell, sometimes you just have to give in to your natural instincts haha
So. How do I solve this? Simple: they're called weed... and Bluelight. I need to get really, ridiculously high - fly to the moon high. Chill out a little bit while I read through the philosophy and SLR forums on here for ideas, guidance, or at the very least a place to start. Sit down and actually think about everything in detail, looking at things from an outside perspective. Sift through my feelings. And wait for the best and most logical solution to just come, as it usually does when I'm high. And I need to write everything down, so that when I'm not high I can remind myself of my decision and why I made it, and then stick with it no matter how much it might hurt. Even if I don't make much progress, at least I'll have something to work with. I can just figure out the rest the next time I have a pressing need to wax philosophical about my life.
Ugh. Just gotta wait for the 'rents to go to sleep before I can start smoking. Until then, it's chatting with friends, social networking, and scouring the OD Suboxone Film Megathread I started reading but never finished - whatever I need to do to get my mind off of things. Cause I'm not looking forward to doing this. Sure, it seems responsible and like not much of a big deal. But honestly, when it's you're feelings that are at stake, looking at things from a purely objective standpoint can bring with it quite a few painful realizations. Like I said, the truth hurts. But you do what you gotta do. And I'd rather hurt now, when I'm essentially hurting myself. It's better than letting it continue on this way.
I mean, little bit of pain - maybe a day or a week at the very worst - that I bring upon myself? As opposed to what could be months of anxiety, confusion, and indecision... only to risk having him be the one hurt me even worse in the long run? I think the first one seems more favorable. It's definitely worth it, if it will help me decide whether I feel as though he is, in fact, worth taking that risk or not. Guess it's time to do work. Wish me luck. I'll probably need it lol![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Yeah, let's go back to that last one. Cause it's definitely one of THOSE nights - a get really, really stoned and muse over my problems while reading the philosophy and SLR forums on BL kind of night.
I've recently become very uncomfortable with a situation. A guy situation, to be exact. Just kinda hit me other day out of no where - my women's intuition kicked into high gear and I felt that something was off. It's amazing how many of the little, subconscious signals the other person gives off without meaning to when that happens, ones that more or less confirm that yes, something IS going on, and that it's not something good.
AND BEFORE ANYONE GOES AND SAYS "women's intuition doesn't exist, it's just a myth, blah blah etc.", I just want to say one thing: I used to be doubtful too, but then I figured out that yes, it does exist. I can even give several examples of what I'm talking about for the doubters.
Getting back to the point - I'm not comfortable with the situation anymore (I wonder though - have I ever really been?) and my feelings are kind of at stake. Sure, I like to lie to myself and say that I don't care and blah blah blah... but when it comes down to it? Yeah, I kind of actually do care. Because it hurts when he does certain things. And if I didn't care, it wouldn't hurt... would it? The only thing I know for a fact in regards to this entire situation is that it hurts and I don't want it to anymore. From an outside perspective, everything seems fine... perfect, even. But trust me, it's all just a surface effect. Things are not fine, and it's as though we're both putting on some sort of front. Then there's my intuition, which is telling me that there's something else going on over on his end. I just don't know what it is. Either a new girlfriend, or... I don't even know... but I know there's definitely something... and that it's something I won't like.
Obviously I'm not going to ask him to change, let's be rational here. But I can't exactly just force myself to change the way I feel about the things he does and, most importantly, him. At least not overnight. Because this is the one fault of women's intuition - it gives you a feeling that something is wrong, but no clear answers. So now it begs a few questions: should I look for answers - be straight with him, since communication has always been our strongest point and the only reason we've even made it this far? Would doing so ease my fears or confirm them? And if it's the latter, am I ready to handle that? We've been through a lot and seem to have made it pretty far all things considered, but is it even worth it anymore? I mean... are we legitimately making progress, the way we say we are? I know I've tried, but is he really trying? Are we just lying to ourselves? At what point did everything get lost, and what was it that turned this situation into a way for us to simply bring our acting abilities off-screen and into real life? If I can figure out what it was, is it even salvageable anymore? Would he even give it a chance to BE salvaged? Do I even want to try? So again... is it even worth it anymore?
Questions that turn into more questions. It's true that I overanalyze things, but honestly... once that first red flag is waved, I get scared. I've been hurt far too many times, and 75% of those times could have been prevented if I had just stopped. Just for one second. And just listened to my intuition and to logic. Or paid enough attention to my surroundings and what was actually going on instead of what I wanted to be going on, then adapted or adjusted my attitude and expectations. But on the flip side, I also have a hard time letting my feelings go. Meeting a guy I'm actually interested in is hard for me to come by, rare indeed. So naturally when it comes around, I like to take advantage of it and give the guy a chance. I've given him so many chances already, but it's hard to just give up. I think the other problem is that I'm starting to get kind of lonely. I'm not saying I need a guy to be happy, not at all.. I love myself regardless and have had some of the best times of my life being single! But when literally everyone I chill with regularly has someone and it's being thrown in your face ALL the time, it's difficult to ignore. I can't help but think that I kind of want that someday soon, too.
I'm not even talking about a full-on serious relationship. I just want someone to BE there, someone I can take care of and who takes care of me, that I can do nice things for, share things with, someone I can count on, someone I can enjoy the feelings of liking someone who likes you back with, someone I can have fun with, and make out with and have lots of great sex with. Because I DO need sex... I love it way too much. And I am not getting what I consider my fair share of fulfilling sex. Because no, having sex with one of my guy friends whenever I'm desperate doesn't count as being "fulfilling". I like to try to not sleep with guys I'm not dating, but ometimes you just gotta take care of business... and since I do not have a penis, doing it myself just isn't enough at times! So hell, sometimes you just have to give in to your natural instincts haha
So. How do I solve this? Simple: they're called weed... and Bluelight. I need to get really, ridiculously high - fly to the moon high. Chill out a little bit while I read through the philosophy and SLR forums on here for ideas, guidance, or at the very least a place to start. Sit down and actually think about everything in detail, looking at things from an outside perspective. Sift through my feelings. And wait for the best and most logical solution to just come, as it usually does when I'm high. And I need to write everything down, so that when I'm not high I can remind myself of my decision and why I made it, and then stick with it no matter how much it might hurt. Even if I don't make much progress, at least I'll have something to work with. I can just figure out the rest the next time I have a pressing need to wax philosophical about my life.
Ugh. Just gotta wait for the 'rents to go to sleep before I can start smoking. Until then, it's chatting with friends, social networking, and scouring the OD Suboxone Film Megathread I started reading but never finished - whatever I need to do to get my mind off of things. Cause I'm not looking forward to doing this. Sure, it seems responsible and like not much of a big deal. But honestly, when it's you're feelings that are at stake, looking at things from a purely objective standpoint can bring with it quite a few painful realizations. Like I said, the truth hurts. But you do what you gotta do. And I'd rather hurt now, when I'm essentially hurting myself. It's better than letting it continue on this way.
I mean, little bit of pain - maybe a day or a week at the very worst - that I bring upon myself? As opposed to what could be months of anxiety, confusion, and indecision... only to risk having him be the one hurt me even worse in the long run? I think the first one seems more favorable. It's definitely worth it, if it will help me decide whether I feel as though he is, in fact, worth taking that risk or not. Guess it's time to do work. Wish me luck. I'll probably need it lol
