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AMT - one hell of a trip! Another notch onto my chemical post.

This is gettin to be one notched up post :/

How tall are you barefoot?
6'6"
Have you ever smoked heroin?
yes
Do you own a gun?
no. yes, maybe
Rehab?
no, i mean yes i have.....................................!
Do you get nervous before making phone calls?
this depends on a whooole lot! so yes
What do you think of your friends?
i keep them odd interesting .
What's your favorite Christmas song?
silent night
What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water and tea maybe cream
Do you do push-ups?
seldom
Have you ever done ecstasy?
i am ecstasy
Are you vegetarian?
no
Do you like painkillers?
no
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
its a secret yo.
What time did you wake up today?
9:55am
Current worry?
my dad
Current hate?
....
Do you own slippers?
yes!
Do you burn or tan?
in texas i would chair an peel, here i tan
What songs do you sing in the shower?
singing in the rain - duh
How many TVs do you have in your house?
3?
Do you wish on stars?
no: i dont wish for anything.
What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
nature sounds
What song do you want played at your funeral?
lol - a looong one, a looong song abput dancing
Do you love someone?
you

So this is a good story. I was laying in my bed the other day at my pad, and started to smell a really fucked up, almost radioactive type shit. I go into the living room to find myself in a thick cloud of smoke.

I open the fucking microwave, and there is a little black, sticky peice of tar that use to be a single slice of pizza 20 minutes ago. He put it in the microwave, hit the wrong button, and crashed out, leaving me to once again pick up the peices.

He is a metalhead. He doesnt do much but get fucked up, work, and play wack ass metal music. "Rite on" is pretty much his answer to everything.

"Dude, I just saved your fucking life" "Oh....Rite on...."

This has happened like 4 or 5 times. He still wants me to pay half of the rent too. Yeah right.

Rite on.

If I hadn't been there, the apartment would have set on fire. It was almost in flame stage, and it still have 15 mins left.

Whiskey + Heavy Metal + Flaming Pizza = oh..... Rite On.....

Yet another kidnapping took place involving an expat. It is the second one in 4 weeks. The first was that of Gerfa Lunsmann of Campbell County, Virginia in the US. She is actually a Sama Tribesman (why is "man" proper English?) who was adopted at age 6 by American missionaries. Growing up in America she became a hospital administrator and married a half Finnish and half Japanese man. As an adult she searched for and reconnected with her family.

Very stupidly this woman had three palatial homes built on an island off of Zamboanga City on Mindanao's westcoast. One home was for her and her teenaged son and the others were for her family. Apparently she didn't remember much about life here. Those that are better off are responsible for the rest of the family. In my own case Rizza's family is rich so I don't have to do anything but normally it would involve spreading cash around quite liberally or risk a feud.

One day before she and her 14 year old son were to return home to Virginia they were abducted. Her clansman only packed 45 caliber pistols which is as close to retarded as it gets here. Even worse her 19 year old nephew Romnick Jakaria set up the kidnapping. The good thing was her age, 51, so rape won't factor in.

I remember in 2007 Rizza, I, her dad and a couple of her brothers went to Davao City. As we approached this one checkpoint I saw some things that didn't look right and took off the safety on my rifle, but kept it flat on the rear seat. I could have easily mistakenly killed a few soldiers that night but rather than have my wife raped and abducted I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6 as the saying goes...

Then, this past Monday in Ipil in Zamboanga Sibugay Province a 34 year old Filipina was abducted. She met her Scottish boyfriend on Sandakan, an island just north of Borneo, belonging to Malaysia. He became an Ops Mgr on an oil rig off its coast after he left Aberdeen because of a failed marriage. The couple then stupidly decided to build this grand home. He started a sawmill and she opened a hair salon but flaunted her newfound wealth.

The mayor of Ipil personally warned her to tone it down or face the consequences but the dummy kept on bragging. She is relatively young and quite attractive so she is of course undergoing very unpleasant things.

I really don't know how people can be so stupid.

As for me, finally got end user certificates for 800 pieces. We are getting Daewoo automatic shotguns, beautiful piece. Looks a lot like the AR15s I originally planned on getting but a lot better in terms of its can-do. Here 5.56 rounds (for ARs and its mil version) cost us 74 US Cents per round. For 30 US Cents I can get shotgun rounds. Plus we can use incedinary and even better bolo rounds. Bolos are 2 metal balls connected with a cable and when they hit a body they tear through it like butter. I wanted AAs, which is like the creme de la creme of automatic shotguns, fires under water blah blah but at 1,200 US a pop wholesale it isn't a smart buy. They also look retarded. Here the image is more important than a lot of other features. The Daewoos are costing us 390 per unit which is very cheap. I am kicking in 5,000 for them , and will keep 12 for my own stock.

Other than that, keeping busy with my goats and am tempted to start raising carabao which are a Philippine breed of water buffalo, but am still thinking about divesting from Mindanao.

Joysa is good though haven't seen her since those few days just after returning from New York.

This is an old punk song by operation ivy, my fav

Sound system gonna bring me back up (yea!)
One thing that I can depend on
Sound system gonna bring me back up (right!)
One thing that I can depend on

Try to describe to the limit of my ability:
Its there for a second
Then it's given up what it used to be

Contained in music somehow more than just sound
This inspiration coming and twisting things around

Because you always know that it's gonna have to go
You always know that you'll be back in the cold.
Point of departure sublimated in a song
Its always coming to give me that hope for just a second
Then it's gone, but!

Sound system gonna bring me back up (yea!)
One thing that I can depend on
Sound system gonna bring me back up (right!)
One thing that I can depend on

Static pulse inside of music bringing us escape.
Its always temporary, changing nothing in its wake...
Just a second where we're leaving all this shit behind
Just a second but its leaving just this much in mind:

To resist despair, that second makes you see
To resist despair, because you can't change everything
To resist despair, in this world is

What it is
What it is
What it is to be free

Sound system gonna bring me back up (right!)
One thing that I can depend on
Sound system gonna bring me back up (yea!)
One thing that I can depend on

hu hu hu hu
Pick it up (x8)
Sound System



Sound!
System!

Sound!
System!

Wake up turn my box on
Bust the shade, let the sun in
Times getting tougher 'bout time to start runnin'
Box in my hand music by my side
Skankin' to the rhythm of the music by my side

So I was relaxing yesterday afternoon drinking a beer and vaping a bowl when out of nowhere my vaporizer turned off. So tried unplugging/plugging it back in and nothing. So I checked the rest of my household appliances. Then I started stressing because I have a 1000w mh bulb for my Tomato Sprouts in the garage. I ran down to check and of course the light was off and so were my fans. I took my eight sprouts and put them in a box and moved then to my balcony. I didn't realize 1.4m people were also affected by the outage. No traffic lights were working, there were cops everywhere, and I kept hearing ambulance/firetruck sirens. It was like the twilight zone or night of the living dead. I ended up going to a buddies house and we got some briquettes and some mickey's. We grilled hot dogs outside, drank some beers, and had a couple bong-loads. It was a pretty good time. Now I've got all the sprouts in their proper homes and all's good.

I feel pretty lost right now. I think this is one of those crucial life defining times I can either get mostly better or go back to being worse. I have been smoking bud like its going out of style all day everyday for months I dont even now when I started doing it like this. I often find myself sitting in my room listening to music strring into space thinking about the past. I should be studying or out meeting people or reading or doing anything productive but that stuff just doesnt appeal to me right now. My social anxiety has been awful since I got off heroin its gotten to the point where just walking into the cafeteria gives me a crazy urge to turn around and run the fuck outta there.

I still think of heroin all the time it dominates my thoughts. I know im not done getting high I probably never will be im just banking on it being easier to be an addict when I get older and have a job and some stability. The problem is not having it is contributing to me being miserable which is fuckin my grades up which is fucking my chances for stabilty and being able to support my addiction. Its like smack is fucking me both ways. I know that there will be happier times ahead and it could be tommorow and all that but it just seems like the good times never last very long.

I have lived in this new place for about 2 months. It is kind of out in the city, but not really. Dallas is really spread out. I don't have a ride right now, so it is really hard to go out and look for work. When I do find a place, I am pouring sweat when I walk in.

I still havent found a job and there is someone else who is wanting this room. I told my room mate that I totally respect that he wants to give another dude a chance. I kind of jumped in to this, really. Even though back home, its about 2 hours from dallas, I still have more resources there. I know everyone, and I have a vehicle there that I can use.

I could at least rethink things and get back on my feet and have a ride with air conditioner to use. My room mate is an alcoholic so its hard to get anything done when we are both just getting waisting and jamming out constantly.

But that leads me to my next issue. I need to stop getting fuck up so much. Story of my life.

I am thinking about going back to college. I have a lot of talent. I just don't wanna fuck it up. If I do it again, it is going to take a lot of money. If I fuck up, I could wind up in more debt.

I am confused, as usual. I have really bad ADD and am about to see a doctor about it. I want a low dose of amps to balance me out and help me wake up in the morning. One of my biggest addictions is sleep. I stay up all night and can't sleep, but once I crash, I stay crashed for 8-12 hours. I guess you can call me lazy but I really think I got some kinda issue.

either way, I going to do what I do best : Staying Positive and Upbeat

Woke up this morning overwhelmed, and in a daze. When this happens it usually ruins my day, but i am trying to keep positive. Probably one of the hardest thing for me to do. I am a depressed person mostly and i used to be content with that till all this happened to me. Now everything bothers me. Sometimes i wish i could go back in time

Rest In Peace, Chuck V.

Dude, you were so positive all the time, man. People felt comfortable around you and you were always there to help someone who didn't think they would make it.

You don't have to fight this thing anymore. Fuck, I hope you find that thing you've been chasing.

Hey there, I am a newly registered member who's been reading and using this forum for years, but never joined the site until now.

Basically, I finally got tired of reading posts about CWE's and "How to remove caffeine from codeine products"... so I decided to make an account and inform you all on a quick and simple process I thought up on my own that is very effective.

This method in a sense is a spin-off from the "syringe method" that's been floating around on the internet for a couple years now except this one has even more advantages, primarily -> It doesnt take a fucking hour trying to push water through tightly packed powder in a plastic tube (sweet! =o)

So here is what you do.
The chemical properties of caffeine dissolved in water are on average 16mg/ml (at room temperature). So measure out about 15 ml's of water which will equate to no more than 250 mg of caffeine.

*you will need pills, a funnel, several filters, a glass and room temperature water*

-> Take 3-4 coffee filters, wet them and line the edge of the funnel with them.

-> Grind your 50 ac&c pills or whatever number you use and pour the powder into the funnel

-> next pour the 15 ml's over top the powder, it will seem to dissapear into the haze of powder but some water will still leak out the bottom

-> next twist up the coffee filters like a normal CWE and squeeze as much water as you can through the powder into the glass

-> place the twisted-up filters (containing powder) back into the funnel, un-twist and take your solution in the glass and pour it back over top the powder again

-> twist-up and repeat process of squeezing water through filters into glass

*You may do this process as many times as you wish, I'm not sure how much more codeine you get everytime you repeat the procedure, I like to do it three or four times just to be sure*

The idea behind this... likely previously suggested techniques... is that very little caffeine will be extracted from 15 ml's of water and you can pour the water through the powder as much as you like without pulling out anymore caffeine from the pills. This method is tried and true and even takes less time than a normal CWE would... I know this is like an extremely simple process but I dont think very many people realise you can actually do what im suggesting.

So stop wasting your time trying to push water through a syringe and just ring that shit out from a normal ole' coffee filter.

question or comments are appreciated. Let me kno if you found my explanation confusing and ill try to re-word it differently.

enjoy

Just got back from the barn out in Amherst played some music with my buddy Shawn. Its just me playin my guitar and a drummer. Music rules I don't think i could live without it. I think I might stay home the rest of the night get some dinner from somewhere and watch a good movie. Sundays are so peaceful.

Somewhere deep inside your mind there's a place where you can rest surrounded by the still waters of silence.

It is here were you remember long forgotten ideas and meet yourself for the first time, and be reminded of what is truely important.

This is a place of deja-vu, disassociated observation, remarkable realisation and exaltation. Within the tryptamine dream you might very well find temporary enlightenment as a permanent state of mind.

But one should not forget that this is a forced experience mandated by a chemical that's also able to swing the dream into a nightmare.

As we struggle through life balancing the middle ground of the seesaw between right and wrong, I need to remind myself to pause and look at what the dream means from a practical perspective.

Ultimately, at the very end of all that matters, nothing really means anything unless we find meaning for ourselves. Where you go, there you are, and as I dream my life passing by it's the memory of the tryptamine dream that continues to make sense.

A life of sad beauty softened by the knowledge of love and peace as seen in the tryptamine dream.

I went to Arlington last night. My best friend lives there. It is only about 10 minutes from here. Well, his girl and him came and got me last night. I needed to get out and see him and talk. We chilled in the garage and smoked some k2 (sucks I know, but we are both on probation) and drank some beers. It was a good night. This week has been the most social week I have had in a while. I have gotten out of the house and hung out with friends every day this week.

I have enjoyed it. Hopefully things will be alright. It was so good to see my friend, his girl, and his kid. She is 1 year old. Shes so cute.

We had bacon, eggs, and toast this morning. He's really got his shit together, maybe I should take after him.

Yesterday started out awesome, I woke up in the arms of my gal. We were happy and silly and the usual stuff. We had stayed the night at her place (my son is away at his fathers until later today), and so we decided to go to my house (a 5-10min walk away). We picked up a couple things at the store and came here.

We had been sitting around my place watching a movie ("Angels in America") which is pretty damn good btw. Though never finished it yet. We kept being interrupted so we decided to turn off the movie and go to the local BBQ.

We were in line for burgers and hot dogs, which is a miracle in itself because we both hate large crowds and tons of people. We were both getting pissed off with people butting in for food. Then a neighbor kid of mine lines up behind us. He's been a good kid for the past couple days (except for that morning) and so we didn't think anything today. Then he just starts jumping around yelling "THESE TWO ARE LESBIANS! LESSSSSBIANSSS!" so even though I shouldn't have, I turned around to him and told him to shut the fuck up before I pop him in the moth. He's only 9/10yrs old and probably doesn't even KNOW what lesbian means really, but the kid had been pissing me off all morning. I walked away after getting my burger looking for the kids parents to bitch them out for their kids disrespect. Found them and complained. Every time I complain about the kid, they think its a fucking joke. So I said if he doesn't stop I'm taking it to management, and they already have 2 infractions a 3rd that serious would mean eviction. The dad apologized and was like "Im sorry, I heard and Im sorry" and I was gonna say "Well if you heard why the fuck didnt you do anything dipshit" but didnt want to cause a scene in front of hundreds of kids so i said "Get control of your kid or else".

I walked away and noticed (well i noticed before but i was busy) that Sandra was nowhere to be found and I was like "Fuck" and i knew I was up shits creek already....She has PTSD, Anxiety and other issues and big crowds -- not fun for her. So I went over and asked a friend of they saw her - they didn't. I went to walk away and there was a ditch I didn't see and WHAM! twisted my ankle (almost broke it if i didnt catch myself breifly) and face first on the ground. Searing pain in my ankle and knee (that i landed on) and some lady walked up and tried "helping" me by moving the foot. I almost yelled at her not to touch it. I apologized and thanked her later but that was not freakin smart of her. I appreciate the gesture but moving a possible break (its was only a sprain but still....) was not very wise.

So I hobble home to a pissed off girlfriend. Long story that I have no energy to write about right now. No worries though we're all good and happy again.

Earlier that day I was goofing off doing the carlton dance and then the stevie wonder head wave dance thing.... and WHAM! banged my head into the BRICK door way :s

Yeah so by 6pm I was in intense pain in my ankle AND head.Then accidentally when my gf was getting up from cuddling with me, elbow WHAM! in the head where my already goose egg was forming :s


Now this morning sitting at my desk, I whack my elbow off my desk.


I guess I'm a hazard walking, dancing AND sitting.

Fack!

LOL


Oh and I finally got around to talk to her after it all gone down and we talked about what happened at the BBQ and some stuff in general. Both a little hurt with the conversation but it was stuff that needed to be talked about and worked out and we did.

She is slowly opening up to me and I to her and I am so proud of both of us for doing so.

This opening up will either bring us closer or pry us apart, and so far it seems like its bringing us together.


Now this headache MUST go

I might take some Tylenol or Aspirin and take a nap.


My gf went home for a little bit but is coming back later today :D


We had a talk a couple days ago about how if we're still going good and strong next summer (summer 2012) after dating over a year that we would look into moving in together.

Which reminds me, my court agreement ends shortly after that. Its valid until my daughter turns 13 which is Dec 2012. Then she is free to live where she wants. She tells me all the time she wants to live with me once she's done grade 8 which is 6mos after her 13th birthday. Technically she can choose to move here at any time as long as its a true want and not something because she's mad or whatnot at her dad or family in Toronto or something trivial but she likes her school and wants to end it there and not have to start a new school for only 2yrs.
We'll see.

I wish it was July 2012 because I have just this week have seen 4 homes for a good price. FULL 3 story homes detached and nice size land and house for $800+/mo

Well, we shall see. Whatever will be will be.

I'm off to bed for now. I'm in so much pain.

I am awake and cleaning to keep my mind for wondering. Listening to some tunes by Vincent Gallo. Buffalo 66 is an ingenues movie. I gotta say sometimes I feel like Billy Brown. I am not sure what today bring for me. I think today I am just going to take it as it comes. God i really miss smoking pot especially on Sundays. Just so relaxing, and the day goes by so slow. I wanna finish getting through this benzo crap first, and get my anxiety back in check before i starting doing that again tho. Its been eight months of being sober I really miss Miss Mary-Jane. I have come to realize that is really the thing i need to let go with. One day again we will come together. As for the rest of the day lets see where it

"There is only forward"

Sometimes he frustrates the heck out of me! He's spending the weekend here but since he doesn't sleep much during the week all he wants to do is sleep when he's here. And I don't like going to bed at 1 am and waking up at noon. I can't sleep that much! And usually he just wants to party nonstop, sometimes til like way too early in the morning, when I can barely function, and I don't want to do that many drugs! I don't like hallucinating due to lack of sleep. Then we have to sleep for like ten hours.

I love parties BUT if we get there at 10 pm, I don't want to stay til 7 am because I will get tired around like 3 or something. I dunno.

Tonight is the first night we aren't sleeping at the same time. I'm not tired because we slept til noon today and I'm not used to going to bed this early plus I was super pumped and expecting us to do something, I dunno what.

It's weird though, like I feel like I'm tired at normal times. Sometimes he wants to go to bed at 9 pm and other times he wants to stay up all night and sleep at 7 am. I like normal times better - like every day 2 am or something. I can't stand him changing and it's always HE gets to go to bed when HE wants.

We like to cuddle and sleep together but I can't stay still (ADD kinda thing) and so if I'm not tired it is so hard to sleep! Now he's lying in bed and I'm like fuck it I'm not wasting time in bed! It is boring to lie there.

Especially when we won't have sex because he never seems to want it anymore

Like we have sex every other weekend, that's all. Urggg.

And he blames everything on me!! Like whenever he gets mad, it's always my fault. And I'm tired of it! He makes a mess in the kitchen or something and he's just like "fuck [myname] fuck" even if I wasn't near it. I'm just like whatever and I leave. He knows AFTER that it wasn't my fault but DURING he always blames it on me!

UGH ugh ugh.

1. Have you ever done drugs?(marijuana counts!) Yes
2. How many? 5
3. Would you ever try Heroin? No
4. When you smoke weed, how many hits do you need before you're high? I don't smoke weed
5. You you buy your drugs or rely on others like a freeloader? Buy
6. Have you ever snorted anything? If so, what? speed, coke, mdma, benzos
7. Do you do drugs often? yes
8. Have you ever abused perscription medication? yes
9. Have you ever abused cough syrup? no
10. Mushrooms? no
11. Acid? no
12. Meth? yes
13. Inhalants? no
14. Would you consider yourself a druggie? yes
15. A pothead? no
16. Have you ever gottne caught? yes


Find your favorite survey or quiz on SurveyMachine!
http://www.survey-machine.com/

%)

1. Have you ever done drugs?(marijuana counts!) Yes
2. How many? 5
3. Would you ever try Heroin? No
4. When you smoke weed, how many hits do you need before you're high? I don't smoke weed
5. You you buy your drugs or rely on others like a freeloader? Buy
6. Have you ever snorted anything? If so, what? speed, coke, mdma, benzos
7. Do you do drugs often? yes
8. Have you ever abused perscription medication? yes
9. Have you ever abused cough syrup? no
10. Mushrooms? no
11. Acid? no
12. Meth? yes
13. Inhalants? no
14. Would you consider yourself a druggie? yes
15. A pothead? no
16. Have you ever gottne caught? yes


Find your favorite survey or quiz on SurveyMachine!
http://www.survey-machine.com/

%)

It was so FUN. Brittney is a sweetheart. Nothing happened, I am really glad too. As soon as I got their, who ex bf texted her [my "best" friend] and said to tell her he said wussup. Haha yeah i get the picture.

Anyway, she looked really pretty. She is little taller than me, but it is ok. We just talked about art and music and stuff. I showed her some progessive house that really impressed her. She is really into skillex and other dubstep, so I tried to show her about some dnb so she will know where dubstep got it's roots. She immediately said she didn't like dnb, but when I put some on, I could see her dancing and trying to hide it.

She wants me to paint her a picture. We almost bought some canvas but decided to wait. I am suppose to paint her some magic mushrooms, so it will be a fun challenge.



We went and ate at Cicis. There was a really gorgeous and flirty girl working there. I remembered readying in SLR forum about talking to strangers. Well I did it. It was actually quite easy. Brittney looked jealous, which surprised me. I went up to her and asked her what her name was. She told me, and I asked if she wanted to chill sometime. She showed me her ring, was really shiny. She was really sweet though and I told her I was new to the area and we talked a bit. I left feeling confident.
\

anyways, I gave brittney a hug and got a ride home and here I am. Very satisfying day, feel 100 times better.

love you, bluelight.

pce

I know I am. I'm finally admitting it.

Some days I hate you. Most of the time I miss you, even when I'm sitting around thinking about how I allowed your fucked up ways to infiltrate my life, how I let you take advantage of me, leave me stranded, only to have you disappear on me. I still randomly cry over you. I don't know why because I was miserable when you were here. But every day I miss you. Every day my heart breaks all over again when I wake up and realize you're not here, don't know where you are, don't know if you are alive or dead.

How could I care for someone who so blatantly didn't care for me, ran me over emotionally, made a fool of me, dicked me around, lied to me, got me arrested, consistently put me in harm's way, would have left me to die if I OD'd, took my money and bailed.

The most fucked up part is I think I'm most angry at you because you gave me heroin then took it away. I'm drunk and on benzos; it's all I can do to drown you out, drown out the ache of the craving, drown out thoughts of what I've done and what I might do now. I'm scared because I'm not scared. You killed what was left of me. And now I'm gone, with this black hole inside that only needs to be filled with you.

I'm angry because I truly believed in you. Trusted you. Risked my life for you. Only to have you leave me with an addiction I'm now alone in and can do nothing to satisfy.

I saw something in your eyes, something that haunts me. It is something that hurts so bad because I saw who you could have been, who you maybe once were. But it is who you no longer are.

P.S. You owe me 600 bux worth of dope, asshole.

Well how is everyone doing? I could be better. Told my psych social worker today that I've been bored... he thought I might have become manic, but the far opposite (even tho I've been using speed again, which hardly anyone knows. It doesn't tweak me out as it used to, which is good I guess anyway.)

My social worker said it's cuz I am getting used to a "normal" life again, not involving full-time gogo dancing I did for over two years, or modeling nudies, or high-end escorting I did for a couple months. He doesn't really know about all that, but he figures my life used to be a lot different. But as crazy as it was, it was more fulfilling (once I quit the dangerous stuff) than my life is boring now. I keep saying how much of a rut I am in, but I can't do much to leave it. I'm under lock and key where I live and I am not allowed to go anywhere myself except a few people, and then I have a midnight curfew. AND I AM 34.

So I just miss the good, free, real times of my life that I had for so long, and sucks how just a couple mess-ups will fuck it all up and set you back.


I'm not blaming this on drugs or alcohol cuz my fuck-ups were done sober, believe it or not. They happened because I was naieve and broke after college and in desperate need for money, and excitement. Unfortunately, that led to the other downfalls.

I've been using speed again for over a week now, and weirdly I am sleeping MUCH better, focusing MUCH better, spending a lot less money, and not trying to go out and be socially crazy. Like I used to. Still, I am really doing this to lose all that weight I gained from the psych meds they had me on. I still don't like the HIGH of speed... the jittery, the tightness and spasming of muscles, the tenseness.... maybe it's the quality of my stuff, or maybe my body has just changed how it reacts. In any case, I'm glad it's not going to get out of hand like it had before.

I am dreaming of independence, just being able to have my own place and car and job and a boyfriend or dates who aren't stopped because I live at home, with no car and no job and a messed-up recent history (not like I tell everyone that, but people find shit out.)

Anyway, I'm off to bed. i hope everyone is OK! %)

Woke up today feeling a bit more normal but still have that nasty feeling creeping in the background, but on a better note got to jam some tunes yesterday. We really weren't in tune so much but i guess everyday can't be perfect. Playing guitar is probably one of the things i really gave up on that i loved so much since i got into to stupid pills. I just lost my ambition to play started and started doubting myself on how i was playing. I have always been a bit of a negative thinker, but i have used it to my advantage to create song and write these crazy quotes and such i used to write all the time. I never let the negativity run my life. I was just able to turn it on and off as i please, but after getting in to benzos things just sunk to the lowest place i could ever be at. I am still pretty depressed right now but i am trying like i hell to fight it. Feeling like your stuck is the hardest part, but i really do try to push on. Its just so much harder now. It seems like the more the symptoms clear up the less depressed it become. The hard part is not thinking about tho. Its always on my mind

Hello everyone!! Im new at this so can you bare with me please? I am a 29 year old female. Here recently i had been an everyday pot smoker! But for some reason now after 14 years of smoking marijuana I am experiencing real bad Anxiety/Panic Attacks!! Although some of them are less severe than others there still scary none the less!! I was wondering if anyone can help explain why this is happening to me? I mean just now after 14 years really??? Im so confused !!! Most people say it is a relaxer for them! It used to be that for me But now its acting as a depression drug!! Stimulant drug use does not cause these effects!! I do take pysch meds for depression and bi- polar and anxiety like Neurontin and prozac and valium but Stimulant drugs help more than the anti depression crap!! Any comments or thoughts would be most appreciated! Please NO critics or A-holes please!! Thanks for your time and help Could i have been mis diagnosed??