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This is going to piss off some people but I honestly don't care. This is my blog, I'm expressing MY feelings, so if you don't like it go fly a kite or something.

Let me explain a pattern I've seen and so far its only been with females. But today I spoke to the fourth female I've met in my life, that told me she was sexually abused in teenage years, but could not remember if it actually happened or not. And being both a sexual/physical abuse survivor myself, and someone who rarely if ever talks about it, this shit is really starting to rub me the wrong fucking way.

Its not just a gut feeling I'm getting. Its clear cut symptoms of their personality that lead me to believe they're simply a fucking liar. I understand trauma repression, PTSD, but how many people have actually met a legitimate PTSD sufferer? They are generally not attention seeking histrionics I find. Mostly the opposite. In all 4 of these girls I know (one I work with) there are very clear cut similarities in all of their personalities. All that border along the lines of histrionic behavoir.

The girl who told me today, this was the FIRST time I've ever spoke to girl. Although I've worked with her for several months now. Conversation somehow got to her being on xanax, then how that was somehow tied to her being sexually abused... then how that was somehow tied to her not remembering it... then how that was somehow tied to her being some unexplicably fucked up psychopath (not her exact words but close). But this is a girl who is smiling all day long, almost manically happy all the time. Never see her sulking or quiet about anything. Not even close to an introvert. She can't shut up for shit. She never stops talking about her personal life and how she's always partying. She always telling outlandish stories just to get kicks out of people. And THAT is what I have seen in these other girls. Attention seeking behavoir, whether true or not, just to get a response. Why? Because it validates their ego obviously. People lie, other people need to be more aware of it.

And look I KNOW damn well that people deal with things differently. But we are talking about fucking sexual abuse here. Does this girl have any idea what it *really* does to a person? I almost didn't talk for 2 fucking years straight after getting abused for *2 years straight*, and I can NOT understand some of these overly fliratious, overly happy, overly talkative sexual abuse "victims". Thats the only way I can explain them. WHY if you went through that type of experience, and it REALLY fucked you up like you say... WHY are you such a royal fucking attention whore about it? WHY do you really need to talk about it anytime someone brings up the topic of sex? WHY do you seem to take every opportunity you can just to show other people your most deepest and personal problems in life? People are just generally wayyy more reserved about this type of stuff I find.

Am I an sensitive prick, or is it possible that a decent share of women actually make this shit up entirely? I'm sure men do it too, but theres less of a stigma involved with female sexual abuse than male sexual abuse. A girl tells people about it and everyone feels bad for her, "aww poor you" etc etc. A guy tells people he was abused and they think "wtf, you're a guy... why couldn't you just defend yourself etc etc?" So maybe thats why I don't like talking about this shit 5 times a week. But I still am getting a very strong feeling that a lot more people than we know are just not being honest at all about this shit.

You ask why? Why would someone ever want to make something so horrible like that up? And I say is it really that hard for you to figure out? All 4 of these girls had problems YES, but problems that were not consistent with much of what they said they experienced. People do respond differently to trauma, but there STILL tends to be MANY patterns and similarities between victims. Moreso, if you were not drunk or high, and were just "young" as in 13 years "young" HOW THE FUCK do you not "actually know" if you were abused or not? That shit does not make any fucking sense whatsoever.

And what makes even less sense I heard this from at least 2 of these girls, they said "well I think it was so traumatic that I repressed the event".

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do you have ANY idea what "repression" even means? It means you have NO IDEA that something happened. As in NOT AWARE. You don't remember 10% of it or just enough so you can have an excuse for other people as to why you are so incredibly fucked up, give me a break. I was 10 years old when I was abused and I remember EVERY FUCKING DAY it happened. Every day I can tell you the sound of his voice, what we did before & after, his mood, how unbelievably petrified I was. It is just so fucking insulting to have people come in and say "oh it still could have happened they just don't remember it". I realize this CAN happen, and that it DOES, but no way it fucking happens as much as people are claiming it does. No fucking way.
This is 4 fucking girls, out of 6, who have told me they were sexually abused, but could not remember if it actually happened or not. WTF! One of them I dated, the one that remembered all the details. And guess what? I couldn't get her to open up about it for a minute. Not in the way that some of the girls who don't remember the details are willing to open up about it. Talking about it at work, or at parties, or on here like its some regular fucking social topic just to bring up for kicks. "Oh I was abused too!!!! ME ME ME!!! I soooo want to tell you my story... oh but now I seem to want to cry about being a drug addict and can't really remember if I was really abused... but let me tell the story anyway".. you get the point.

Even some nights I have gotten so obliterated on alcohol and drugs, and something as small as a 30 second fight happens, I REMEMBER that shit. But this is not even my point. My fucking point is STOP TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE YOU *KNOW* IT HAPPENED IF YOU CAN NOT RECALL THE ACTUAL DETAILS OF IT HAPPENING.

Then to hear how much they have suffered from it, or how it led to drug use.... NO NO NO. You use drugs because you MADE THAT CHOICE. Please don't try telling me something you can't even fucking remember is the reason you use drugs. Cause you're sounding like a bigger cokehead than Freud was.

I don't know what my deal is but something is just extremely insulting about this crap. The most insulting thing perhaps is just the attention seeking nature of every single one of these 4 girls. When you are victimized in that way, you try to hide yourself from every fucking person you know. You don't have a "hard time" taking your clothes off. You don't even fucking date people at all or even get involved in situations that might lead to that.

Something just seems FAKE FAKE FAKE. Say what you will about me. Something just both intuitively and intellectually seems fake as fuck about some of the stories I'm hearing both on here and in real life. So let me get this straight. This event has fucked you up so severely, that you are able to tell me about it within 1 day of knowing me? You were able to still lose your virginity at 14 and had no issues having sex with your BF?
Oh wait no thats right you told me first time you did it your BF you said no one time and that was a result of the great trauma you went through from your prior abuse that you can't even remember. But then you had sex with him anyway after saying no. Because "he was too aggressive" and nothing to do with you being "too fucking passive"? Maybe say no a second time? And now you think you were actually sexually abused twice (yes this is a real story I heard).

My abuse DID NOT EVEN INVOLVE females and I have not gone on a fucking date with 1 female my entire life due to this. I've hung out with girls I've known, and hooked up with ones I was comfortable with, or even other abuse victims, but "dating"? Hell no. You don't see me posting 40,000 pictures of my face all over facebook and websites trying to scurry up as much pity as possible so I can feel better about something that I don't even know fucking happened.

(continued on second blog)

Hey , I have been messing with different drugs for years now . And Weed has always been there . I love to have fun and party . I have messed with other stuff , like pills and stuff . I got pretty heavy in to white girl for a while but I'm doing better with that . I have an amazing boy friend . And lately when ever we're together we just get so fucked up and well , we have sex . And I'm not saying at all that thats a bad thing . I love him and the stuff we do . But yesterday he had a lotta shit go down . And he dipped from his house . He doesn't have his phone and well the people we get drugs from , you don't exactly just call them up all " hey you guys know where my bf went ? " so I'm pretty much screwed and all . But like I don't have a car , and i'm outta my shit , so I took like 4 600mg of Mucinex . This is the first time I've ever taken it and I am starting to feel really weird . I don't know whats going on . Or what to expect like I said . I've never touched this shit before .

just go home an do it again

This is my first time ever posting !

alright I need a little help here. I've done Weed, MDMA, Dxm, and shrooms

at times I feel like I'm rolling balls!!!
I mean i like it but do you know why it happens?

Okay, I love my girlfriend, tons. It just gets to me that she claims to not believe in mental illness but then later on goes to say she has PTSD, bipolar, and schitso- effective disorder. She goes on to say that I am using my illness as an excuse to get angry at my son who just happens to have ADHD, ODD and PTSD and is being refused treatment because they refuse to diagnose him BUT they admit he has most if not all signs of the above and so he acts out and pushes buttons and defies ALL athority and is a general pain the the ass so I get mad that I have told him 10 times to do something and he refuses to then calls me a bitch, so I yell at him to just bloody well do it BUT it has nothing to do with my mental illness and getting stressed past my limit and having anger issues because of BPD, Bipolar and Anxiety PLUS after a lifetime of bullshit and horrible crap BUT BUT no no no it has nothing to do with my issues, I'm just being horrible and yelling at a defenseless, wittle child. Let me clarify, this child attacks me and runs away on a daily basis and has been for 4 years and just this past year I have been raising my voice and becoming more stern to him, per recommendation of therapist and docs and such.
Oh lets not forget SHE can get stressed out from a dog barking and people ringing my door bell BUT being attacked and defied and mothed off to by my child...I must be all ZEN.
She says I am wonderful and a wonderful mother and a "wonder woman" etc but then goes on to say that basically I am a shitty mom. Thanks so fucking much.
I just brought up that I hated my neighbourhood and wanted to move and how I know my neighbours stress her out, which they do.
Now its some complain fest.... 8(
I just wanted to talk about some SIMPLE things and air stuff out, cause she asked for that but when I do, then I am being clingy and fustrating.

BUT her roomates taking advantage of her is alright because she gets free cable and internet and a sky light. 8(

ARGH! WOMEN!

She makes me want to cry when she's like this.....fuck.

Yep. We "worked things out". Here we go, all over again. How many times have we done this before? Why do either of us stick around? I have no answer to this question. I don't know why. We've barely known each other for a few months, and not only did it start off as a one night stand, it's been nothing but bullshit ever since. I don't know why either of us refuse to give up. Most people would. If not one, then the other for sure. No reason to put up with all that bullshit - on my side or his - from someone you hardly even know. I don't know why we try so hard.

Regardless, a lot of things he said during our conversation didn't add up. They were either inconclusive with the things he's told me before, or they just seemed fishy. Like they were just... off. Or something. The point is, I don't think he was completely honest with me. One thing he said was, "If I didn't care, if I REALLY wanted to hurt you, I would not be going out of my way to explain anything to you right now or be pleading to be your friend." But if he really cares as much as he says he does - if that's honestly the case - why did it take me being on the verge of ruining his life for him to start begging? If he cared so much, wouldn't he have done that two nights ago, when I told him I needed some time to figure out if I wanted to be friends? Seems like it.

Another thing he said: "I want to get close to you, but it's shit like this that drives me away." Shit like this? Shit like what? This is the first time I've snapped at him in a LONG time. And this behavior of his, it's recent. Within the last few weeks. A long time away from the last time I snapped at him. Why is it that he's the only person who I'm like this with? Why do I have great relationships with every other person I know? And why is it that I'm NOT the only one who's snapped at him recently? He straight up told me that some girl bitched him out three times the other night. So there you have it... you do the math.

After about 30 minutes, the conversation ended with, "I'm sorry. Sometimes I just push your buttons. I know. I'll try to work on that and I promise won't ignore you as much. I do want to get close to you, don't worry, I want to be your friend, so I hope this is the last time we ever have to have this conversation. Get to bed (he wasn't saying it in a demanding way by the way - I was yawning the whole time cause it was 3 am when he got off work and called me), and sweet dreams, have a good night, I'll talk to you soon, bye."

So all's well that ends well... or so it seems. The only problem is that he's great at talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I'm also a bit wary because of all of the things he had said in that conversation that didn't quite add up. One thing he said was that there is no in-between, that people are either friends or they're enemies. I find this to be completely false, but I mean. Everyone has more people they're not friends with than people they are, so if that's his mindset... then damn. He must have a lot of enemies! The phrase, "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer" seems to be resonating in my mind quite loud right now. I have no expectations. I don't expect him to respect me, or start treating me like more of a friend, or to stop ignoring me. I've heard it all before, and nothing ever changed... not for the better anyway. I expect him to go back to his old ways. And if he doesn't, nice surprise. But still - hope for the best, but expect the worst. Yeah, I'm full of cliche sayings today.

Moral of the story: I'm going to be keeping my guard up this time, that's for sure. No expectations leaves no room for disappointment. Looks like I've just gained my first "frenemy".

How am I supposed to do anything when there are these people making extremely loud noises outside my door?!? I don't know what they are doing - sounds like they're building a house or something, lmao, but probably cutting down a tree or doing some repairs or building something small. I don't know ... or care ... I Just know that they woke me up and I don't like those noises and I can't concentrate on anything!

Moo!

How tall are you barefoot? 5"10"
Have you ever smoked heroin? nope
Do you own a gun? not any more
Rehab? nope
Do you get nervous before making phone calls?
What do you think of your friends? they are the people i trust the most and the ones i turn to when i need advice
What's your favorite Christmas song? carol of the bells
What do you prefer to drink in the morning? trying to convince myself that water is good
Do you do push-ups? i am learning
Have you ever done ecstasy? yup
Are you vegetarian? hahahaha
Do you like painkillers? for tummy cramps
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? listening to them
What time did you wake up today? 5.51
Current worry? monies
Current hate? credit card bills
Do you own slippers? i have giant, colorful slippers... they look like this
Do you burn or tan? usually burn than tan
What songs do you sing in the shower? i like quiet
How many TVs do you have in your house? 4
Do you wish on stars? not really
What song do/did you want played at your wedding? unchained melody
What song do you want played at your funeral? the great below - NIN
Do you love someone? yup

Weed has been my best friend for years. Through all of my trials and tribulations, weed has always been there for me. It is something I smoke with my friends, something I smoke by myself. You all know what I'm talking about. Its my DOC without a doubt. Weed is my alcohol. I hate drinking.

Well, I am having to distant myself now. Got put on 5 years paper. Get drug tested like a MOTHERFUCKER. I have been diluting my urine whenever I DO slip up, which is rare. Everytime I break down and smoke, my high is totally blown by worrying.

The other night, my friend had a joint. He gave me some to hold on to, and smoked it. I had to just sit there and watch. When he finished, he busted out some meth and we did that. I can do that no problem because of the short half life. Fucked up huh?

Once I get my report time reduced to once a month, I will probably start smoking daily again and just quit about a week before report date and dilute.

Thoughts? Experiences?

What the fuck..Sometimes I had rather go to prison. Could at least smoke there, and smoke when I do my time.

And that's ALL this guy has been doing lately. He wasn't that way before. We were always pretty open to each other about our feelings and how we feel about the other. At the same time, things have always been rocky between us until recently... and believe me, I've fought hard for our friendship despite all of the drama we started out with. Just when I thought things were cooling down, now there's a NEW obstacle I'm being forced to deal with from him.

Before yesterday, I'd pretty much had my mind made up about what I was going to do. I had begun to feel a sort of distance from him that wasn't there before, so I figured something was going on over on his end. Maybe he got a new girlfriend, or maybe he couldn't get past the bullshit and didn't want to actually try to be friends. Regardless, I decided maybe it wasn't worth the effort anymore, and started biding my time. Playing it cool, waiting for the right time to tell him that maybe it was time to go our separate ways.

But yesterday, he finally decided to text me ALL BY HIMSELF. About a week ago, I told him I'd hit him up yesterday while I was in the area and see if we could chill. Completely forgot about it. He texted me and was like, "What happened?!" and seemed annoyed that I had forgotten to call him. So I was like, Oh okay... maybe he does want to be friends after all. I told him I was really sorry, that it had just been a busy week, and maybe we could chill later this week. He started ignoring me. So I finally just told him I'd call him tomorrow (which is today).

I had every intention on calling him, because I felt bad. But now I don't, because he's sending mixed signals again. Ignoring my texts.. eh, no big deal. Then today, I noticed he was completely ignoring my friend request that I'd sent like a week ago. I know this because it still showed up on my newsfeed (for some strange reason) when he would add someone else. I saw today that he had added a few different people, but was still ignoring my friend request. Also not really a big deal. But ignoring my texts and friend request put together = a big deal.

So now I'm back to square one. He's acting like a dick. I don't even want to call him today anymore. I want to keep biding my time and go back to my original plan and eventually tell him our friendship is just not working. I don't feel like a friend is someone who gives off the impression of being indecisive about whether they ACTUALLY want to be your friend or not.

It's annoying. People who play games are stupid, they get you no where. At first, whatever. But when you keep it going on THIS long? At THIS point? Come on, man. He should have figured out by now he can be real with me and I'll be cool with it. But there he goes, playing games and sending mixed signals. Trying to reel me in, only to cast me back out... like he's done so many times before. Too bad it's not like that anymore. I've changed. The infatuation stage is over; I don't care as much anymore. I used to put up with that sort of behavior from him and always try to fix things, but not anymore. He's completely oblivious of the fact that he's not in control anymore... I'm not giving into his games anymore, haven't in quite a while... and all he's doing is pushing me away. He's going to wake up one day to find out that I'm gone, that I've been gone for a while. Gonna be too late and too far gone by then. I suppose I will call him today, just because I promised... and I feel bad for not calling him yesterday when I promised I would. I can't break a promise twice in a row, so yes I will talk to him, but it feels more like a chore.

A word to everyone out there: don't play games. If you must play games, don't drag it out. Stop the second you know the person is interested in getting to know you. Otherwise, they're going to catch on to what you're doing soon enough. And if you're playing games with a good catch... chances are they're just going to start figuring you're not interested, and stop caring themselves. No matter how you feel or what your motive behind it is, playing games never amounts to anything good. Games are for people who are insecure in themselves and cowardly. If your goal is to push the person away as far as possible, then by all means... knock yourselves out. But the best way to do anything is to just be straight up and honest with the person. For real.

Just wanted to get that out there. I'm a little frustrated at the moment.

I had an awesome summer. I went to my grandma's farm in WA with my dad, brother, and grandma. Even though it's grandma's farm she lives in AZ, so the farm is vacant year-round until we go up there. It was really cool, my pot tolerance went down significantly, the only head-changes I got were from the occasional beer. The last weekend we were there my dad introduced me to his cousin who was as old as him, I guess he'd be my second cousin. Anyways I rode with him to get pizza at the bar up the road and my dad drove behind us. Well we got on the subject of Medical Marijuana and I showed him my medical card and then he busted out his. Then my he said, "Well shit, we must be related. Pack one up.", then he handed me a little pipe and a tin full of buds. I packed a bowl half greens'd it and passed it back. He then smoked a bowl driving down the middle of the road. I thought that was the coolest thing, because you can't do that where I live. Too many police. The buds we smoked were his own homegrown, and he was also telling me that there's no dispensaries in the area. So I told him about my little operation. After we got the pizza I headed back to my grandmas in my dad's car. My cousin stayed at the bar. Before I left though he told me we were going to go on a field trip up to an old 1920's copper mine his buddy owned the next day. About 9am next morning he comes over and my dad and I packed up some beers and apples. My brother was also along for the ride, but he's to young for head-changes. I looked in the back on my cousin's truck and he had two coolers full of beer and a dead chicken in the back. And in the truck he had a 9mm resting on the glove compartment. I thought that was extremely cool. It was about a two hour drive up to the mine and about 11am we cracked our first beers. On the way up there we drove on dirt road which also led to a campground. This mini-van tried to pass us and my cousin pulled over to let him, but then as soon as they were side-by-side my cousin gunned it and wouldn't let the guy pass him then flipped off the mini-van guy and yelled, "Fuckin' Seattleite!" Then he explained a "Seattleite" was someone from Seattle who comes out here to the country to "camp" in there R.V's. We finally got up to the mine and it was probably one of the coolest things I'd seen in my life. I didn't get any pictures of the mine (it was flooded at the time) but I did get pictures of the property. There was also a building with a generator that stills runs and it was built in 1928! The generator is run off water from the river. I think the whole property was about twenty-four acres in total. It was a really beautiful area. There was also a bowling alley near the mine that the miners built in the 1920's out of trees from the area. After the tour as it was getting later in the day we went to the mine owners house where we smoked some of his homemade hash. I got so high because I hadn't smoked all week and I had been drinking a lot of beer during the tour. The owner of the place was this nice old hippie looking guy and his woman was also nice. While we were conducting the hash session in the living room my dad (who doesn't partake in cannabis) and my brother just hung out with us while we talked. They were talking about their grow operations and I was talking about mine, they would talk about hash, then I would talk about THC wax. This they were interested in. Before I went up to WA two friends and I had made some very potent butane honey oil. One tear-drop sized dab put you down in the couch. So I was telling them about this and my cousin had never tried, while I think his friend had tried it once before. I told them when I moved out there next year I'd make them some. Ha-ha, they were surprised at how much I knew for how young I was. That day was one of the happiest in my entire life. It felt so good standing in the middle wilderness, staring at the cascade tops covered in snow during mid-summer. I feel so grateful that next year I will be moving up there. I'll have a little poppy garden and pot garden. Two Anatolian Shepards and one or two German Shepards to guard my property (264 acres). I also planned on having some chickens, a cow, and some horses. My own vegetable garden, and a small field of corn and wheat. I'll also need a good wife, but I'll figure that out later ha ha. I'm going to try and get a job as a research collector for the Forest Service. I've been in contact with a recruiter, so hopefully I can get some sort of job there. Wow that's a long post. Well that was my summer. Here comes fall, finally I'll be able to wear a jacket outside.

1) How tall am I in barefeet? 5'7"/5'8" in American terms

2) Have I ever smoked heroin? In Lebanon its all we did for weeks on end in between killing.

3) Do I own a gun? I'm in the middle of a purchase involving 800 Daewoo Automatic Shotguns (USA12), so the answer is, "yes, a lot."

4) Have I ever been to rehab? If you mean a therapeutic type community, hell no, "Rehab is for quitters." I have however undergone a 7 day detox in a hospital and quit on day 5.

5) Am I ever nervous before making a phone call? I recall being nervous about calling girls 20 or 30 years ago but now? Nothing really makes me nervous.

6) What do I think of my friends? I don't use the term friend as most Westerners do. I have 4 living squad mates and my father-in-law/ex-father in law, and that's it. What do I think of them? I would die for any one of them just as they would die for me.

7) Fave Xmas Song? As a traditionally raised Jew and being an Israeli to boot I never hear one until my mid-20s and I moved to Florida in the US. I admit that I am crazy about the Western version of "Carol of the Bells." The Ukranian version, the original, is very different and though its listenable, it pales in comparison.

8) What do I prefer to drink in the morning? Fresh juice if possible. Though I'm partial to tea and sugar I rarely drink it here in the tropis. Tasted coffee once in my life and hated it. I'm a terrible Middle Easterner. Love the way brewing coffee smells though if it counts for anything.

9) Do I do push ups? Not since I got out of the army and even then I rarely worked out. My physique is paying for it.

10) Have I ever done MDMA, aka "XTC"? Not since it became illegal. I'm not a big fan of amphetamines and hallucinogenics and I parted on less than amicable terms in my early 20s.

11) Am I a vegetarian? No but as I age my diet seems to be moving in that direction.

12) Do I like Painkillers? I am on Maintenance doing 9 grammes of morphine a month so yeah, I'm into them quite a bit. At this stage I prefer them to heroin (which is merely a deliver vehicle for morphine anyway).

13) My secret method used to attract women? Combination of my striking blue eyes and ability to hold a conversation. One might be amazed but past 20 that really begins to matter to women. Though I should just say, "Being a white man in the Philippines," any white man under 70 will be mobbed by gorgeous woman here if he allows it.

14) What time did I wake up today? Always 430 AM, naturally without alarms.

15) My current worry? In truth? My health, I have Stage 5 Hepatitis C and my pee is the colour of iced tea though my viral count is manageable. We shall see...

16) My current hate? Islam. Not Muslims but the Belief System itself. It is racist, misogynistic and perhaps worst of all aims for world domination.

17) Do I burn or tan? Tan.

17) My favourite song in the shower? I don't sing in the shower.

18) How many TVs in my house? Just 1 in the living room. I usally let my youngest brother in law and sister in law, ages 7 and 11 respectively or else some of our servants watch it. I sometimes watch TV with my inlaws on their TV, their house is 5 meters from mine.

19) Do I wish on stars? Never.

20) What song would I like played at my wedding? At my weddings no songs were played. In my Jewish wedding just traditional Jewish songs. At my civil wedding Filipino Videoke, which is the big thing here but not songs as Westerners have with a special dance.

21) "What song would I like played at my wedding?": Jews never have music at funerals. Just bury me before sundown with no autopsy or embalming and were straight.

22) Do I love someone? Yes, Joysa.

How tall are you barefoot?
6'0
Have you ever smoked heroin?
yes
Do you own a gun?
no
Rehab?
Yes but I regretted it almost immediatly
Do you get nervous before making phone calls?
Hell yea especially when I call girls
What do you think of your friends?
We dont have much in common.
What's your favorite Christmas song?
Grandma got run over by a raindeer
What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Orange juice
Do you do push-ups?
no
Have you ever done ecstasy?
Yes many times
Are you vegetarian?
hell no
Do you like painkillers?
YES!!
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Lots of mind altering chemicals
What time did you wake up today?
10:30 am
Current worry?
my health
Current hate?
your mom
Do you own slippers?
no
Do you burn or tan?
I burn and then tan.
What songs do you sing in the shower?
Today it was Scapegoat by Atmosphere
How many TVs do you have in your house?
1 I live in a dorm
Do you wish on stars?
sometimes
What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Go On by Jack Johnson
What song do you want played at your funeral?
Edit The Sad Parts-Modest Mouse
Do you love someone?
Not right now but I was in love once

AMT - one hell of a trip! Another notch onto my chemical post.

This is gettin to be one notched up post :/

How tall are you barefoot?
6'6"
Have you ever smoked heroin?
yes
Do you own a gun?
no. yes, maybe
Rehab?
no, i mean yes i have.....................................!
Do you get nervous before making phone calls?
this depends on a whooole lot! so yes
What do you think of your friends?
i keep them odd interesting .
What's your favorite Christmas song?
silent night
What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water and tea maybe cream
Do you do push-ups?
seldom
Have you ever done ecstasy?
i am ecstasy
Are you vegetarian?
no
Do you like painkillers?
no
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
its a secret yo.
What time did you wake up today?
9:55am
Current worry?
my dad
Current hate?
....
Do you own slippers?
yes!
Do you burn or tan?
in texas i would chair an peel, here i tan
What songs do you sing in the shower?
singing in the rain - duh
How many TVs do you have in your house?
3?
Do you wish on stars?
no: i dont wish for anything.
What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
nature sounds
What song do you want played at your funeral?
lol - a looong one, a looong song abput dancing
Do you love someone?
you

So this is a good story. I was laying in my bed the other day at my pad, and started to smell a really fucked up, almost radioactive type shit. I go into the living room to find myself in a thick cloud of smoke.

I open the fucking microwave, and there is a little black, sticky peice of tar that use to be a single slice of pizza 20 minutes ago. He put it in the microwave, hit the wrong button, and crashed out, leaving me to once again pick up the peices.

He is a metalhead. He doesnt do much but get fucked up, work, and play wack ass metal music. "Rite on" is pretty much his answer to everything.

"Dude, I just saved your fucking life" "Oh....Rite on...."

This has happened like 4 or 5 times. He still wants me to pay half of the rent too. Yeah right.

Rite on.

If I hadn't been there, the apartment would have set on fire. It was almost in flame stage, and it still have 15 mins left.

Whiskey + Heavy Metal + Flaming Pizza = oh..... Rite On.....

Yet another kidnapping took place involving an expat. It is the second one in 4 weeks. The first was that of Gerfa Lunsmann of Campbell County, Virginia in the US. She is actually a Sama Tribesman (why is "man" proper English?) who was adopted at age 6 by American missionaries. Growing up in America she became a hospital administrator and married a half Finnish and half Japanese man. As an adult she searched for and reconnected with her family.

Very stupidly this woman had three palatial homes built on an island off of Zamboanga City on Mindanao's westcoast. One home was for her and her teenaged son and the others were for her family. Apparently she didn't remember much about life here. Those that are better off are responsible for the rest of the family. In my own case Rizza's family is rich so I don't have to do anything but normally it would involve spreading cash around quite liberally or risk a feud.

One day before she and her 14 year old son were to return home to Virginia they were abducted. Her clansman only packed 45 caliber pistols which is as close to retarded as it gets here. Even worse her 19 year old nephew Romnick Jakaria set up the kidnapping. The good thing was her age, 51, so rape won't factor in.

I remember in 2007 Rizza, I, her dad and a couple of her brothers went to Davao City. As we approached this one checkpoint I saw some things that didn't look right and took off the safety on my rifle, but kept it flat on the rear seat. I could have easily mistakenly killed a few soldiers that night but rather than have my wife raped and abducted I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6 as the saying goes...

Then, this past Monday in Ipil in Zamboanga Sibugay Province a 34 year old Filipina was abducted. She met her Scottish boyfriend on Sandakan, an island just north of Borneo, belonging to Malaysia. He became an Ops Mgr on an oil rig off its coast after he left Aberdeen because of a failed marriage. The couple then stupidly decided to build this grand home. He started a sawmill and she opened a hair salon but flaunted her newfound wealth.

The mayor of Ipil personally warned her to tone it down or face the consequences but the dummy kept on bragging. She is relatively young and quite attractive so she is of course undergoing very unpleasant things.

I really don't know how people can be so stupid.

As for me, finally got end user certificates for 800 pieces. We are getting Daewoo automatic shotguns, beautiful piece. Looks a lot like the AR15s I originally planned on getting but a lot better in terms of its can-do. Here 5.56 rounds (for ARs and its mil version) cost us 74 US Cents per round. For 30 US Cents I can get shotgun rounds. Plus we can use incedinary and even better bolo rounds. Bolos are 2 metal balls connected with a cable and when they hit a body they tear through it like butter. I wanted AAs, which is like the creme de la creme of automatic shotguns, fires under water blah blah but at 1,200 US a pop wholesale it isn't a smart buy. They also look retarded. Here the image is more important than a lot of other features. The Daewoos are costing us 390 per unit which is very cheap. I am kicking in 5,000 for them , and will keep 12 for my own stock.

Other than that, keeping busy with my goats and am tempted to start raising carabao which are a Philippine breed of water buffalo, but am still thinking about divesting from Mindanao.

Joysa is good though haven't seen her since those few days just after returning from New York.

This is an old punk song by operation ivy, my fav

Sound system gonna bring me back up (yea!)
One thing that I can depend on
Sound system gonna bring me back up (right!)
One thing that I can depend on

Try to describe to the limit of my ability:
Its there for a second
Then it's given up what it used to be

Contained in music somehow more than just sound
This inspiration coming and twisting things around

Because you always know that it's gonna have to go
You always know that you'll be back in the cold.
Point of departure sublimated in a song
Its always coming to give me that hope for just a second
Then it's gone, but!

Sound system gonna bring me back up (yea!)
One thing that I can depend on
Sound system gonna bring me back up (right!)
One thing that I can depend on

Static pulse inside of music bringing us escape.
Its always temporary, changing nothing in its wake...
Just a second where we're leaving all this shit behind
Just a second but its leaving just this much in mind:

To resist despair, that second makes you see
To resist despair, because you can't change everything
To resist despair, in this world is

What it is
What it is
What it is to be free

Sound system gonna bring me back up (right!)
One thing that I can depend on
Sound system gonna bring me back up (yea!)
One thing that I can depend on

hu hu hu hu
Pick it up (x8)
Sound System



Sound!
System!

Sound!
System!

Wake up turn my box on
Bust the shade, let the sun in
Times getting tougher 'bout time to start runnin'
Box in my hand music by my side
Skankin' to the rhythm of the music by my side

So I was relaxing yesterday afternoon drinking a beer and vaping a bowl when out of nowhere my vaporizer turned off. So tried unplugging/plugging it back in and nothing. So I checked the rest of my household appliances. Then I started stressing because I have a 1000w mh bulb for my Tomato Sprouts in the garage. I ran down to check and of course the light was off and so were my fans. I took my eight sprouts and put them in a box and moved then to my balcony. I didn't realize 1.4m people were also affected by the outage. No traffic lights were working, there were cops everywhere, and I kept hearing ambulance/firetruck sirens. It was like the twilight zone or night of the living dead. I ended up going to a buddies house and we got some briquettes and some mickey's. We grilled hot dogs outside, drank some beers, and had a couple bong-loads. It was a pretty good time. Now I've got all the sprouts in their proper homes and all's good.

I feel pretty lost right now. I think this is one of those crucial life defining times I can either get mostly better or go back to being worse. I have been smoking bud like its going out of style all day everyday for months I dont even now when I started doing it like this. I often find myself sitting in my room listening to music strring into space thinking about the past. I should be studying or out meeting people or reading or doing anything productive but that stuff just doesnt appeal to me right now. My social anxiety has been awful since I got off heroin its gotten to the point where just walking into the cafeteria gives me a crazy urge to turn around and run the fuck outta there.

I still think of heroin all the time it dominates my thoughts. I know im not done getting high I probably never will be im just banking on it being easier to be an addict when I get older and have a job and some stability. The problem is not having it is contributing to me being miserable which is fuckin my grades up which is fucking my chances for stabilty and being able to support my addiction. Its like smack is fucking me both ways. I know that there will be happier times ahead and it could be tommorow and all that but it just seems like the good times never last very long.

I have lived in this new place for about 2 months. It is kind of out in the city, but not really. Dallas is really spread out. I don't have a ride right now, so it is really hard to go out and look for work. When I do find a place, I am pouring sweat when I walk in.

I still havent found a job and there is someone else who is wanting this room. I told my room mate that I totally respect that he wants to give another dude a chance. I kind of jumped in to this, really. Even though back home, its about 2 hours from dallas, I still have more resources there. I know everyone, and I have a vehicle there that I can use.

I could at least rethink things and get back on my feet and have a ride with air conditioner to use. My room mate is an alcoholic so its hard to get anything done when we are both just getting waisting and jamming out constantly.

But that leads me to my next issue. I need to stop getting fuck up so much. Story of my life.

I am thinking about going back to college. I have a lot of talent. I just don't wanna fuck it up. If I do it again, it is going to take a lot of money. If I fuck up, I could wind up in more debt.

I am confused, as usual. I have really bad ADD and am about to see a doctor about it. I want a low dose of amps to balance me out and help me wake up in the morning. One of my biggest addictions is sleep. I stay up all night and can't sleep, but once I crash, I stay crashed for 8-12 hours. I guess you can call me lazy but I really think I got some kinda issue.

either way, I going to do what I do best : Staying Positive and Upbeat

Woke up this morning overwhelmed, and in a daze. When this happens it usually ruins my day, but i am trying to keep positive. Probably one of the hardest thing for me to do. I am a depressed person mostly and i used to be content with that till all this happened to me. Now everything bothers me. Sometimes i wish i could go back in time

Rest In Peace, Chuck V.

Dude, you were so positive all the time, man. People felt comfortable around you and you were always there to help someone who didn't think they would make it.

You don't have to fight this thing anymore. Fuck, I hope you find that thing you've been chasing.