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writing words, letting them come, going where they lead, find myself in this now, ever flowing, there is things i should do, but i cant go there without knowing, i must let go but i do, i must let go of letting go but then i do, so then i go but i dont, i do but...

im still here but im not the same, im the same but i aint
i want more but i dont, i wanna stay and i wanna go

then im back in highschool, or is it childhood, or is it me
i was in the park, i was wondering, letting myself go, being conscious
creating memories, writing it down within, inside my personal story
i had started life, a inner life, accumulating meaning, what it might mean, but it was all feelings, moments in time, i was connecting to something, it was a quality, a clarity, idk
childhood was really nice for me, i would ride around and explore, adventure time, not knowing, not needing to know, food was gonna be there and so would my bed, no worry and up to a new tomorrow, a happy cheezy crazy tomorrow
the sun, the sun, the sun
the grass was green, the sky was blue, and my heart was light and afternoons would never end
but then they would
and then im here
thinking about the dao, thinking about why do i care to write it down, why do i stop thinking if i know, why do i want to write it down,
for entertainment ? for the sake of avoiding doing something else ? because i die and i want to leave parts of me behind to find myself back ?
why do people want to leave something behind, why do they want to be remembered ?
"his spirits lives on"
we entertain memories, does that gives birth to the spirit world, do we create a spirit world out of our energies, out of the memories we entertain, that we hold within our heart,
what is love, what is hate, what is energy
random musing for the sake of itself, random moments
wanting to include something out of it, wanting to take the best and place it here, on paper,
those moments i wanna live in, those special moments that dont necessarily means something to the brain but they are meaningful to the heart, they have value, they feel good, they contain something special, something i want more of,
i wanna live inside those moments, because i gave them meaning, i made them mine by writing them down deep within me, and then i want to write them down on paper, let them out, so that they dont die with me,
but i dont have to name any of it, or describe any of it, its all there by itself, it rains, it snows, it just is
and so am i
i be
it am
im reversing, river sing, a flow of sound, a color is born out of a droplet of water, a line to the sun, connecting me to myself in time, in space, divided, united
that color is red, and its blue, and its all, at all time, but its only just now, just there, just now, but its a ghost by then, but it lives on, i give it birth everytime i go back
i want her with me, the sun in her smile, sweet chilhood, i was born free, and i got caught up, i lost it, to find it back again, and then im here, musing, amusing, not knowing, but knowing,
then comes the wind, time, time blowing me where but here, always here, remembering, and creating anew
i wanna let go and i wanna go
i wanna share something, but this aint it, those are words, they are but words, my words, and that aint it, it is it all, and it doesnt need me,
the universe is self explanatory, it does not need you, but you dont need it, you dont need to live, i dont need to be here, "I" isnt me, eye can see that, but "i" isnt
so then what, im i back in highschool, wondering, and musing, but not funny, did i loose time, did i lost myself, or did i found myself, isnt that the same, why wondering, is it wonderful, fulfilling, full of feelings, putting toys in santa's bag, making happy,
happy is good,
happy is good
i get caught up
more lines, more words, when there is no need for them,
old ways of doing it, nostalgia about it, going back in time, finding my way, to a time before time, to a space within and without, that brings me back here, and did i miss the train, was i going left, did i just left, its right here, it turns, and turn, around the sun, towards the sun, around and round, bringing back the past with the future, within the future, this moment always growing,
i need to keep balance, i keep balance, im pretty good now, i can breath, i get better,

this sure aint about taoism is it

take 2 :

i felt like writing, and i dont know about the blog format, i know about writing, on my own or in a forum, but the mix of the two is weird, there seem to be even less purpose then writing for your own self, like in a journal, why am i between the two, for the sake of trying, (but) where is the content ? do i care for it, isnt it by itself, because i felt like writing but...there is so much i could say, i could go somewhere with this but i think that the somewhere i care to go for atm is here and it need not to be told, i wanna talk about nothing, but then i end up saying nothing, isnt that wuji
im trying to talk taoism i guess, but experience, not words, emptiness, not words
no words but any of them, none are really words, a word is a word but table isnt a word its table
but table isnt a table its a word
a table isnt a word and a word isnt a table
and "the tao that can be told is not the eternal tao"
and then im buying chicken at the grocery store
and then i can feel good, and then i want to share that
i want good people
but then do i ? ive got myself, but is it me ?
isnt it itself by itself
i can let go and smile, but to what extent
is the point to writing all that stuff lately being about that, bringing myself back down, not loosing myself in all of "it"
the wuji, the emptiness, the void, the nothing
im i trying to make a stand, so that i can come back here, in those words, in someones heart, back to life
do i care about this life, did i ? is it about me, myself, and others
what if i let go
i felt as if i would come back
but do i
i cant seem to place it within a duality
there aint no more good no more bad within emptiness
a primordial emptiness
but dont i come back here when i put back to life, when "it" is put back to life, through immemorial ages

ive gone back to acid feelings, things from a acid trip from 15 years ago
ive heard someone talk about something...
made me remember a part of something, something scary and reassuring
ive came here before and ill come back again
and i feel like leaving something behind
a typical "i wus here" feeling, leaving a trace, a sing, a signature for the sake of remembering, reembracing what once was the meaning that made you whole, the meaning within the center of your heart, that gave its light
that grain of sand, "there is a light that never goes out"
we die, we disappear completely, but then "it" comes back
we forget our dreams
...
i forget myself,
i wanted to walk to her but i did not, i wanted her, she was someone i knew, someone i wanted to know more of, someone i wanted to share myself with, but i did not move, i did not got, i lost myself, i forgot something, i had forgotten something, something that felt important, i would sit and wonder what it was, it was a part of myself, it was something, it must have being something or was i just avoiding the situation,
i failed
i did not move

we forget our dreams, what do they mean, why is there a cow in the supermarket and its completely normal, why cant i find my shoes, and i can breath underwater...
dreams makes no sense, why do we loose it every night, and end up believing its all real
because we want to believe ? believe that there is meaning, even tho there is a bunch of non sense going on we believe its all real because it really doesnt matter if it makes no sense, we make it make sense by following a story, there is a story and thats meaningful
there is a story, that never goes out...
cue to the never ending story theme song ; )

so what is taoism,
some chinesse thingny about stuff, and then they dress funny and do martial arts and then god said : that is good
i like taoism, it made sense to me ten some years ago and then it got better
it went from knowing about it in my head to understanding it in my heart to then recently experiencing it in my body
i was dealing with restless leg syndrome so i had trouble falling asleep and i ended up developing a technique to help me to fall asleep
and since i go to bed every night well...i ended up practicing the technique a whole lot, got good at it, realize that i could do it when not trying to fall asleep, then realize i did not need to be in bed, then i was able to do it easily anywhere at anytime, i had found a way to connect with something that was ever present
and thats emptiness
its always everywhere at all time
but it aint shit, it aint there, but it is, it really is, and isnt
but then shit gets futile when you try to share
and there is no point to share, but there is, its i itself
i fucking love being where i am
ive had to deal with depression for 20 year, that wasnt good, that was shit,
but im free from that now,
i found a way
i could say i found god but that aint it, i was raised christian but im talking taoism now
my main influence in chronological order have being : christianity, science, shamanism, taoism
and in taoism there is no god, but there is a way, there is "the" way, which is the way things are, so its the way things are-ism

favorite movie

i want to write about how i see this movie now a days
its been a huge influence on me
it got to me real deep as a kid, i really got caught up into those feelings that the story brought forth
it made me feel real good as a kid
i was part of that story, i was atreyu, i was riding falcor...
it made me believe, it made me follow something within myself
"what kind of a quest"
it made me start a quest from within

the end of that movie would get me high
the movie as a whole was the equivalent of my first psychedelic experience
it left its trace, it ended up being a deeper influence than religion
due to a christian upbringing jesus sure did have a impact on me but it did not reach that level, jesus was a weird story from the adult world
i could connect to the neverending story on a direct level, on a open heart level, with all my body and all my head
...

and so it begins

its the story of a kid confronted with a reality where his mom died and he needs to put that behind him, and in conjunction to that he need to leave his childhood life behind and faced the adult world
a world where imagination isnt the game we play
a world where like his father you need to be serious and professional and go on with it
so Bastien needs to leave those unicorns behind and start living in the "real" world
"Now, Bastian, you're old enough to get your head out of the clouds and start keeping both feet on the ground. Alright ?"

but then its a hard world where he gets picked on, a world where he cant escape, a world where he is late for school, where he forgot he had a test that day
but fuck it, bastien has strong ties with his own inner world where imagination and intuition are still strong, a world where his mom influence is still alive

so he end up creating a story alongside the real world, a story where he is a warrior on a quest to save a world called fantasia
that world is in his own imagination and it has no boundaries
but he gets caught up in it, he end up believing in it as if it was real, but not right away, it all starts with his alter ego called atreyu, and atreyu is faced with sadness and melancholia and despair because fantasia is dying and he cant seem to find a cure
fantasia which is bastien own internal world is dying because fantasia lives off bastien imagination
it is dying because of a force called the nothing
which is a emptiness of the heart due to lack of belief in yourself, due to a lack of beliefs in the impossible
a lack of belief that you yourself can changed it all, simply by wishing for it, simply by believing that you can create it all from scratch
so fantasia is dying because bastian is loosing faith in himself because the death of his mom confronts him with a very cold and dry world, a adult world made of different shades of gray

and i sure was identifying with that as a kid, i was growing up and the adult world didnt seem ok, it didnt seem like a better world, growing up meant that i was gonna loose something, or that i might loose something
that did not please me
and that movie made me feel like it was all ok, i would find a way, everything was possible...

so bastien enters that world and starts a quest, he end up at a oracle that will kill him if his heart isnt pure, then he is confronted with who he truely is
and thats where it gets weird because atreyu is bastien
and the third oracle tells atreyu to get a human child (which happens to be you disguised as bastien)
and bastien just does not want to get involve
he doenst want all of this to be true even tho thats what he really wants, but his dad said to keep his feet on the ground..
he is conflicted between left brain and right brain, between his heart and his head, between what has being taught to him and his intuition
but he goes for it, he follows auryn, he lets auryn guide him toward the center of his creative energy, and there he is allowed to recreate the whole world of fantasia, simply by wishing for everything he ever wanted, and it will happen
and first thing he does is come back to reality to kick some butt
but falcor isnt real on the outside world, he is a representation of bastien new found inner strength,
as the library guy told bastien "why didnt you punch then in the nose" and bastien answer that he does not know why
he does not know why because he didnt knew what he was fighting for
and then he knew, he was fighting for the survival of a whole kingdom, or queendom called fantasia

but that world wasnt only his world, fantasia was the world of man, and as mork said :

G'mork: If you come any closer, I will rip you to shreds.
Atreyu: Who are you?
G'mork: I am G'mork. And you, whoever you are, can have the honor of being my last victim.
Atreyu: I will not die easily. I am a warrior!
G'mork: Ha! Brave warrior, then fight the Nothing.
Atreyu: But I can't! I can't get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia!
[G'mork laughs and Atreyu gets a little angry]
Atreyu: What's so funny about that?
G'mork: Fantasia has no boundaries.
[laughs]
Atreyu: That's not true! You're lying.
G'mork: Foolish boy. Don't you know anything about Fantasia? It's the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.
Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?
G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
G'mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!
Atreyu: Who are you, really?
G'mork: I am the servant of the power behind the Nothing. I was sent to kill the only one who could have stopped the Nothing. I lost him in the Swamps of Sadness. His name... was Atreyu.
[the ground shakes again and Atreyu is knocked down. He grabs a knife shaped piece of broken stone and stands up, ready to fight]
Atreyu: If we're about to die anyway, I'd rather die fighting! Come for me, G'mork! *I* am Atreyu!

that sure was pretty deep stuff to include in a kids movie...
its talking about the world we live in where people are easily manipulated because they loose connection with a part of themself, a part where they are the center stage to the story, a part where they are the hero, the main character, the protagonist
a part where their well being is essential to the well being of others (and others to yours)
a world where you cant blindly follow what you are told but you need to follow your intuition, there is a light inside your heart, and that grain of sand can save the whole world
and no one but you has a monopoly on that

and that made me fell good as a kid, i was riding falcor
it wasnt any dragon, it was a luck dragon
it was the possibility that any dreams could come true
it wasnt that they would come true, it was the possibility that they could, that if you would not die of depression in the swamp of your own sadness that you could make it, that life would or could find a way

so i was a kid living in a world where people had lost hope, where they had lost faith in themself and thats why the adult world felt wrong, it was all explained through metaphor inside that movie
that movie brought a way to connect with myself, with reality, that i did not find elsewhere
tho at that time i had no clue about all of this, it simply was my favorite movie and thats about it
its later on that ive realized how much of who ive became has being a direct influence on what a part of myself saw in there, a part of me ended up modeling myself in regards to what has being felt as the true meaning of it all

some people will say as a joke that the movie was a false publicity because the movie does have a end but it aint call the neverending movie and the book its based on isnt called the neverending book
its call the never ending story because as much as bastien transpose himself into atreyu you do too, you transpose yourself inside a made up story that becomes yours because you put yourself in there the same way bastien did out of himself in fantasia
but then fantasia is telling bastien that it has no boundary but its talking to you too, the book is saying this story in this book is the story of your own life in your own real world, but then bastiens real world isnt real from your perspective, its a fantasy story, its just a movie,
when the movie ends it ends with a quote they keep repeating in the book where they start talking about some other stuff until not to loose track of the main story they close it down saying "but thats another story", because thats someone else story, but all those stories are connected, they all make up what fantasia is
and the story of bastien become someone else story because you are suppose to have realized that the story is now about you, thats its your story, that you never left your seat,
it was about you watching a movie about bastien reading a book about atreyu saving the world that became bastien that became you
and then you are suppose to go out and continue that story that was yours, you need to start creating your own world, a world you were already creating

so the story is never ending

Like the title says I suck at tapering, I'm bored, utterly utterly bored of my life and of taking pills, Ive know for quite some time that I have a few screws missing so that might have contributed to both the dependance and now my decision to go cold turkey from taking benzos.

I am even sick of hearing the word 'benzodiazepine' Yes I am sure they can be/ are useful but not for me anymore ...

Ive said before I am going cold turkey and never actually managed it so hence I am destroying my stash and toughing it out...

If I have a seizure or something I honestly dont really care, I often wonder why I get myself into these situations and one of the main factors is how impulsive I am and seem to lack the foresight to see what my actions will lead to... anyway enough about that for now... This is my first blog entry on here and it feels kinda weird

anyway team, hardcore withdrawl here we come! this is gunna make the rugby final fun..

My new schedule has been fucking me up. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be that my unwillingness to be responsible and change my routine in order to adapt to the new schedule has been fucking me up.

I hate these thoughts, man. I fucking HATE them. It always gets like this, I get tired and I get fucked in the head with real bad shit. I get hungry, same thing happens.

Its difficult to determine if the things and motives happening around me are real or just my fucked up, fantastical thoughts.

It bothers me that my default 'escape' no longer centers on getting high (I haven't used drugs in over a year). Now my default response is fantasy. I fantasize about taking myself out or I fantasize about hurting myself.

I fucking hate it. I know if I can get some sleep that these thoughts will start to go away but the more I think, the less I can sleep.

It'll pass and its entirely my fault that I'm like this. Just gotta man the fuck up I suppose

Muammar Gaddafi
Kim Jong Il
Viktor Bout
Barack Obama

it's not.

Somethings are crazy about being me. Everyday is an internal struggle with things that, oddly, seem to be constantly coming at me from the outside. My experiences sound very similar to paranoid schizophrenia. Though, usually, when your a paranoid schizophrenic, all your friends and the people around you don't usually bear witness to the cross of your hallucinations and delusions. I guess they may see it, see it in you..People must be effected by your thoughts and their resultant actions..Crazy or not. But this is ironic..Its ironic to have your paranoid delusions scare other people, for them to see it too and agree and be worried by it. This is quite the burden at times. A lesser man might not be quite so well adjusted..I told a friend of mine recently, that if I'm mad, I'd be like the guy from a beautiful mind. Battling the demons of his insanity, solving his problems..And more. If anything, I aspire to have these hallucinations and delusions become something more positive, to be a facilitation of my reality rather than a destructive interference. I look at it like a reality over-lay. Ideally, it should help, not hurt. So this is my goal.

Last night, I decided to get drunk with some friends. I'm a psychospiritual mess. Evidently people of like mind cluster around me, at that. A friend of mine, one I believe who has tried to harm me magickally, was with us this night. I made my peace with him, I believe, thought, not in words per se...And did some chakra and energy work while watching manswers with my friends. I live in a different reality than most, its true. But he's more in tune with my reality tunnel than some of the others.

Later another friend came by. Came to drink with us. Recently, I did some energy work on him. I have no idea at all what I'm doing, basically I was experimenting on him, it may have been a really bad idea. I sent my energy into his chakras, with the intention that he may become more aware of their locations and what they feel like. My energy is apparently powerful, I can't resist the urge to use it. He suffers depression, I've been trying to help him lately. Its my crazy shaman vibe going; though, there's an interesting dynamic here, an exchange is taking place. Evidently, either my charles manson vibe is hitting him..i've done shrooms with him, and I'm the man on shrooms, for some reason I turn into charles manson, brain wash people and shit, its really quite intense and scary the charisma and magickal vibe I give off in groups of people on shrooms..somehow convincing him of a cultish idea of energy and magickal powers...Or, somehow I've awakened something in him by doing this. He appears to have developed the power of energy vampirism.

While smoking pot with him and a friend, all hell broke loose. He began to use his new found awareness. It was not exactly positive energy. He leeched one of my friends and attempted to give it to me. He also tried leeching me, but, I gave him something bad. This was not the time for me to be involved in magickal duels. I had taken a klonopin, much smirnoff and smoked a blunt. Nevermind I can't seem to smoke pot anymore without having crazy spiritual visions and hallucinations. I feel like dark forces try to possess me and shit as well. Its not very fun. You'd think the klonopin would've helped me out as they often prescribe it for HPPD, of which, marijuana most certainly intensifies, if that is even what this is.

I didn't see any auras; but neither was I looking for them. I describe it like this; I did alot of shrooms, trying to get into contact with something, and something I did contact indeed. Call it madness if you want; call it a spiritual awakening if that makes you feel better. The insanity that I preach is worse than many's sanity. Its not fun. If you knew what I knew, you probably wouldn't like it either.

I've done alot of drugs. This is karmic here. They all came back to me at once. A sense of dissassociation and doom, very salvia like set upon me. Almost acid trip like, almost shroomy, and even almost DXM like, almost datura like even, all at once. This was not fun. I felt like I had taken a step out of the world. Out of body experience. I'd use this metaphor, I stepped back stage and had a talk with all the actors involved, who, taking the forms of my friends who were with me, told me I take in too much bad from everyone, and give so much. That I feel like I don't get anything in return, but I do and I am appreciated. Nice messages from persons claiming to be mostly evil; but they like me evidently.

I worried for a while I wouldn't come back..Stepping out of the world, I didn't feel like I was on earth anymore. I totally lost touch with this world. I ripped one of the posters off my wall, convinced it was charmed with an evil spell, and threw out my friends coat in a delirious state believing it to have some bad hoojoo as well. This was totally silly, and very not the shaman thing to do, I must be braver and stronger than this if I ever hope to survive the transition, even if I was really drunk, high and on klonpin, but then again, my friends eyes were glowing green and shit, and I felt like it wasn't really him. It may not have been, sometimes I feel a strong presence follows me around and is talking to me through others now. Its not fun.

I woke up this morning, dug through the trash of my building and found my boys coat; made right a terrible wrong I did while delirious under the influence of a variety of drugs, sick horrible flashbacks and perhaps even spiritual presences, probably bad ones. I may have got it bad, but my friends bore witness to this shit as well, so I'm not alone in this. This doesn't help. If I was just mad, I'd take drugs, talk to a therapist and hopefully feel better..But when everyone else sees it too. Well, what do you do?

not an hour goes by that i don't think about you....really.

So I was a week clean off benzos, and about 3 weeks sober, and tonight I gave up and drank a bottle of wine after I got home from a friend's wedding. This is the longest I've been clean and sober in a very long time, and it felt good but also scary and overwhelming and .... hard. Not having mind and emotion-numbing substances in my life is a new one. And tonight I just blocked every potential consequence from mind and decided to drink. I didn't even want alcohol. But it was the only available drug. At least it's somewhat numbing. Oh the good old days when alcohol was all it took to sooth me.

The other night I went into my desk drawer to look for a credit card. This was a drawer I put needles and bags in. Before I knew it I was searching frantically through all the drawers around my apartment and under the couch where maaaaaaaaaaaaybe by some miracle (curse) I had left a bag (yeah right). Of course I found nothing, and I ended the night frustrated and upset with myself.

In theory I really want to get clean. In actuality, I want to be a crazy addict locked up in some facility because I don't think what I want will ever come and the pain is just too much to deal with. I'm fairly numb right now but I wait for the numbness to wane and then the bomb will drop. Then what?

And my bottle of wine is almost done. Now what?

What is this stuff? I know it is a Cathinone but which one. Does anyone know?

At least make a comment.

Thanks

http://www.junkysays.blogspot.com/

I'm very firmilar with the 12 steps of AA and NA, I work the NA program, but I get a lot from AA in it's self. If you go to a meeting about resentment, or anger (topics) you will hear "patience love and tolerance", what does this mean, and why the fuck should I do it?
When I'm mad at someone, I tend to stretch that anger out, and build a resentment. why? I can't fully answer that, I can say it makes me feel diffrent inside. The anger and hate towards an individual starts the gears turning in my brain, and I start "Thinking". I shouldn't be thinking anyway about acting out on anger and resentments. I've herd it enough in meetings that it will get you drunk and high.
Why I choose to blog about this??
I'm dealing with Anger right now, it's a little bit better because I was able to talk to someone about it. No not my sponsor. Just a good friend of mind that has 31+ years of soberity/clean time, and "old timer" you may say.
Why am I angry?
I'm angry because my room mate will not lock the door,(i wanted to cuss and say fuck so bad in that sentince but i'm trying to refrain rehatching that feeling right now).
I've talked with him about this when he first moved in, and he agreed to lock the door.. It happened the next day, he left the door unlock with no where to be around, so I talked with him again. Within that night, I came home from a meeting and the door was unlocked... OK this time I told him to PLEASE LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR,exact words, and he's like "DONT THREATN ME BRO" I said, I'm not dude just lock the FUCKING DOOR!.
Not even a day later I come home from class and the door is once again unlocked with him no where to be around.. OK i'm pissd, so I go and talk to staff, and told him what I felt, the emotions because thats really what i'm worried about.. my feelings have caused me to do things.. that I normally wouldn'tve done in the first place.(this was yesterday). so the staff I talked with it about passed it along to one of the owners of the halfway house i live in, and he talked to my room mate, and me. I thought everything was going to be good.
now today, today hasnt been good for me anyway.. and I come home already upset to find the door unlocked AGAIN WITH HIM NOOOO WHERE TO BE FOUND! WHAT THE $#@%! this is the final straw, I'm ready to smash, I'm star power bitch, my anger meeter was beyond special move mode, It was at like the street fighter level when u can use super special moves, yeah that mad.
So how did I controll this anger??
I went to talk to the staff(the guy with 30+ years), and he was nice enough to lend a ear, and listen while I exploded. then I felt better. well not 100% better, like 50%.. the hostile part of my anger went away, and the only lingering anger was mainly wanting to exchange words with my room mate. So staff printed out these sheets of paper that say LOCK THE DOOR (name withheld) THIS IS NOT A JOKE!. so I put em up all over the door on the inside, and outside. hoping he will start locking the door.
He just came and apoligized to me, he didn't make eye contact when he did it, but i accepted it anyway because i'm trying to practice "patience love and tolerance of others", regardless of the situation.

i'm off to a meeting, love you all
drew

I hate this shit. I hate trying to describe addiction to someone who should know better but somehow doesn't grasp what I'm saying. It's ridiculous that I cannot remember the last time I went 24 hours without using SOMEthing. Legal, or otherwise. Arguing with myself about going to meetings, quitting, pretending I'm fine or just weak-minded, trying to come up with excuse after excuse to use or not use. This is so so so so hard. Shut up with your "choices", shut up with your "will power", get the fuck out of here with your "it's all in your head". You. Don't. Know.

And this is how I have to live the rest of my life.

the occupation is kind of cute. ive never seen so many white kids with dreadlocks! in all seriousness its great to see this happening, but id prefer if they dont refer to themsevles as "99%"

why? cuz im not part of you. im an ally, a sympathizer, but i think your whole system is a joke, not just the parts you want to fix.

corporatism is fascism - Mussolini said this, so did anyone with half a brain in the 30s. the neocons know this, thats why its decorated as freedom so heavily. the dems know this too, and its why its so painfully obvious that bipartisan politics in the usa is a distraction from the same universal goal. that goal, namely, is to turn the West (and, well, the rest of the world) into a giant artificial fish tank.

what we have here is the same parable of old, from Plato's Allegory of the Cave, to the Wachowski's The Matrix. Corporatism has produced a fish tank for their fish to live in. A nice pretty place, complete with rainbow colored plastic sunken pirate ship, glow in the dark neon green skulls, plastic algae, and those really groovy shiny oval rocks. The fish accepted willingly, and for a while it was pretty blissfull to swim around with all the food raining down from heaven and safe playground to live in. What happened outside of the fish bowl? Why should this even be a concern, right? And you could safely ignore the occasional case of Ick or the occasional little tiny fish getting sucked into the air filter, life was pretty A-OK. Corporate gods showered their sexy little gifts, and everything was blissfull.

No one even noticed the slime growing on the side of the fish tank, the excess algae, and the rising Ph level. Some of us did, some of us got vocal, and we were ignored. Some of us got real fucking angry, and were still treated like the oddballs, both by the Big C above and by the fellow fish around us. Some of us have been worshipers of the energies of the life giving essences of the fish tank, and have always decried the death of our natural seaweeds, and these blasphemous plastic green monstrosities erected in their place. Some of us have been saying the pirate ship is a fake toy our whole lives, only to be rejected by at least 99% of the other fish.

Eventually, the plastic seaweed was taken away. Then the cool skulls, followed by the pirate ship. Too hard to clean I suppose. Then the fish food got worse, and worse. Then bodies of other fish got a lot harder to ignore. Then you all started realizing that those bodies were always there, you always lived in immense fish suffering, and these stupid gifts from the corporate fish feeders are what allowed you to ignore it. You were able to pass the buck on, to diffuse your responsibility onto some other fish, or maybe even your oh-so-benevolent fish feeders, and to convince yourself that the fish tank was always getting better.

Now that your toys are taken away, youre pissed off. Youre assuming everyone else is too. Youre all swimming around in circles, angry at the situation. You want your fish feeders to behave according to some arbitrary moral guidelines, and if they wont, want some force in play to make them. You want your glow in the dark pirate ship back, and you want the groovy voodoo skulls in their same exact positions too. You want the plastic seaweed back pronto. You want to go back to your comfy cozy little womb of peace and quiet, where you can safely ignore the death and suffering in the world around you. You want "fairness," you want control over the fish food, you want to know that the fish feeders have good intentions, and you want someone to make sure they live up to it!

Fuck your fish tank. Ive been occupying their shit since i was 12. Im the worst consumer imaginable. My whole life youve told me I had no style, and my whole life I answered to you that I have no need for someone to sell me style. My whole life Ive Tuned In, Turned On, and Dropped out, and you waited until you went to college and some other fish told you it was cool to do so. My whole life Ive stolen every piece of music I have, from independent artists who enjoy that I do so, because were about destroying your fucking society and everything it stands for \m/. Ive spent a decade making sure I cost the system as much destruction as a kid possibly can do, and Ive spent another decade trying to open up as many people as I possibly can to a new horizon of psychedelic freedom and freedom from the spell of mindless consumerism. Ive been saying the CIA creates the flow of the heroin in your veins, the crack through your streets, and the acid in your brain for ever, and im not the only one either. Ive been screaming CONTROLLED DEMOLITION since 2002, but it wasnt "cool" on twitter back then. Ive been saying Facebook is a CIA datamine since it was conceived, and to this day I am all about anti-social media. Youre told to bown down to the deified Steve Jobs like he were Augustus himself, and you do! Ive been saying human progress is a non linear trap brought on by the unnatural condition of patriarchal control since I was a child, and that we are in an endless cyclical pattern, destined to repeat itself so long as all the fish believe that human social evolution is linear. Ive beein saying organized sports exists to castrate men while convincing them the opposite, that fast food is designed to render us infertile, and that the Western dietary template is purposely out of tune with Nature, and you found this ridiculous. You bought all their lies, for only $0.99.

Im being a bit facetious here, but ive been against modern civilization as a whole ever since I was a young teen. I am a messenger from the cosmos, merely here to say that I was born 10,000 years too early, or too late. Fuck your 99%, we are not the same. I am a barracuda, who was born into the fish tank with you, but chose to swim out. You, on the other hand, want your fish tank restored to working order.

Fuck your fish tank. You want to stop corporate power? Then do it. Dont stand there holding a fucking sign, those fucks hopped on their yachts and private jets, shat on your faces when they took off, and are partying on their private island someplace. STOP BUYING SHIT!!! Its as simple as that. Fuck your fashion, fuck your clothes, fuck your farm factoried foods, fuck biotechnology, fuck the FDA, fuck the cancer conspiracy, fuck all Western medicine, fuck your iGod, fuck your stupid fucking twatter and facebook shit, seriously, just throw the whole fishtank out. Destroy your television. Never watch youtube again. Dont expose your mind to advertisements of any form. GROW YOUR OWN FOOD. Grow your own weed, EVERYWHERE. Dont use plastic. Recycle other people's plastic. Bring a backpack everywhere. Use solar panels on everything. Dont ever use styrofoam. DOnt ever succumb to convenience, "Hoo Rah" your whole fucking life, because youre not a fucking guppie, youre a manta ray, a shark, a whale, whatever, youre not the fish theyre telling you that you are.

Learn Linux. Learn many languages. Learn martial arts. Study classical history. Study military history. Study paleontology. Study sustainable agriculture. Study holistic health care. Study prevention. Learn and do nothing else. Destroy nuclear families. Destroy the patriarchy. Eliminate the need for culture. Ignore borders. Turn your body into a weapon. Every human being out there is capable of crushing a small tree in half with their elbows, all it takes is to loose interest in their fish tank, and gain an interest in yourself. MEDITATE. Nourish your pineal activity. Rest well. Buy as little as you possibly can, reuse everything. Invent your own currency.

DESTROY THE IDENTITY THEYRE FORCING ONTO YOU. YOU ARE A COSMIC, INFINITE, AND POWERFUL CREATURE, AND THE LAST THING THEY WANT YOU TO BE AWARE OF IS THIS.

I am not the 99%. Im not in your fucking fish tank. Im a barracuda, and I belong in free waters. Excuse me, I have some trees to harvest energy from now.

(though, you might catch me at the Occupy Times Square rally tonight )

Im addicted to vicoden and oxycodene but do not have any any ideas to how i can have the same high until i can get more???

I am skipping a class that I really need to pass. The Professor is a hard-ass lady from Jamaica and always calls on me when I have nothing to say. Why do teachers do that? I am paying attention and if I really do have something to say, I will raise my hand. It's not beyond my scope of living.

It's just that my anxiety disorder almost completely clams me up in any sort of public speaking situation. I end up feeling stupid in front of 30 people and it just makes me not want to go. This will be my third time missing the class. It's just a general education requirement so I will be fucking delighted with a C but what's that about 90% of life is just showing up? I know I should talk to her but sometimes I feel like I just need to put on my big girl panties and fucking DO IT and not complain. School is just going to get harder, right? I want to be an English teacher but I'm not sure it's for me...

I also want to go to culinary school. It's been on my mind for quite a while. There are plenty here in NYC but that means I have to start over and get into more debt. My credit is fucked and I have no one to cosign a loan nor do I have a job at the moment. Oh, and say hello to the raging monkey on my back.

I feel like cooking is my passion and I'd love to do it on the level of some of the greats. To be honest, I'd just love to open a restaurant/bar/art space type deal where I can just kind of hang out all day and schmooze. I've always thought when you die and go to heaven, it's kind of like a big, casual dinner party with all the people who went before you where you can talk, catch up, eat, laugh and just be together. Like that scene in Hook where the Lost Boys have that imaginary feast of pastel mush.

It's sad but I do enjoy most films with Robin Williams.

I just can't do anything. I don't have any energy. I have these cysts in my neck that are right near my thyroid that I feel like need to come out. My thyroid levels are completely normal. I have a constant pain in my neck when I am not on an opioid. But I only have Medicaid.

I should have gotten my tonsils out when I had the chance, when I was still working and had decent insurance. Oh well. I'm fucking going out of my mind and I can't leave the house unless I'm completely doped up. I think I'm at the end of my rope and I should just suck it up and get some help. Like, in-patient type shit. But I just can't deal with the stigma even though almost everyone I know has been hospitalized at one point or another.

I could never kill myself and leave my brother like that especially because he's doing so well. I thought he had a delayed grief response but apparently mine is even slower now that I've had the time to sit and wallow in it. Before, I just worked and worked and kept busy but I was burning the candle at both ends and kind of just said fuck it. Now would be the time, wouldn't it, to get my shit together.

Waiting on some percs that couldn't come soon enough. Then some oxy. In a couple of weeks I will be feeling better. And then feeling worse because I'll be sick again.

You know the drill. How awesome is life.

test

Let me just get it out of the way before I start that I'm not doing anything differently. Yeah, I have a concussion, but that happened a week ago. I've been taking all of my meds the same, I've been getting enough sleep and rest, etc.

Anyway I was asleep just now, having a normal dream, I guess. My whole entire family was there, plus my bird (minus my other pets). All of the sudden, out of no where, the dream took on a completely sinister tone. Just really dark and twisted. One by one, each member of my family would turn evil, then just go back to normal out of no where like nothing happened. First, I got a bad feeling about my brother. He was nonchalantly taking things off my dresser and putting them in my purse, not even looking at what he was doing; I was telling him to stop because it was creeping me out, but he kept on going in a sort of rhythmic, mechanical pattern, and I "knew" it was for some sort of really bad purpose. Then he exited the dream completely. Next were my parents, who kept telling me to kill myself and shit like that, as I was crying on my bed. Then they went back to normal. Next it was my bird. One minute he was saying, "Hi, I love you!" and I was telling my mom how excited I was that he was talking, and the next minute, he started attacking me like crazy. Like, I could actually feel him biting me IN my dream, and it fucking HURT. (And yes, he's bit me before, but not as hard as he was in my dream.) It was like the second I would let him go, he would attack me. When I put him in his cage, somehow he knew how to stretch his neck outside of the bars and attack me, no matter how far away I walked. Then he was out of the cage, flying around and being normal again. He landed in what looked like a tub of water, and my mom was like, "Make sure he doesn't land in the water, take him out right now!" So I did, and my bird was gone; the chemical had caused him to combust. I started crying. Then for some reason I started washing my face with the chemical that had just killed my bird, and my ENTIRE family (cousins, etc.) were laughing at me as I rushed to the bathroom to try and wash it off. For some reason, I couldn't. The dream ended with feeling extremely thirsty, like my throat was super dry and fucked up and burning, and that's when I woke up.

Even though that was easily the most horribly sinister fucked up nightmare I've ever had in my life, it didn't phase me much once I finally woke up, assessed the situation, realized my bird was safe and sound (and peaceful) in his cage next to my bed, and that I was not falling into sleep paralysis. I'm used to nightmares; I have them all the time. So yes, that part was weird, but it was not the weirdest. The WEIRDEST part is what happened when I looked at the pile of clothes on my bed - I saw faces in every. single. fold. of. clothes. Scary, sneering faces. If I stared at one long enough, it would wink. They kept popping up, ones I hadn't noticed before, if I would look over an area a second time. I knew it wasn't real... in fact, I even ruffled my clothes (which didn't make the faces go away), but it was still freaking me out. So I got out of bed and decided to turn on the light and not go back to sleep until the sun starts to come up.

Then shit got even weirder. Immediately after turning the light on, I was FREEZING cold and shivering and chattering my teeth uncontrollably. Even with a sweater, pants, socks, a shirt, the works on. And it's barely 65 degrees outside, maybe take a few. Then I started having really bad tremors in my arms and legs (not unlike when I go took long between Xanax doses... except I didn't do that today, just FYI). I was also really disoriented, and I felt a definite panic attack coming on. I took a Xanax, and I feel better now, but I'm still freaked the hell out by what just happened.

Has anything remotely similar happened to anyone else? What would cause this? The only medication I stopped taking somewhat abruptly was my Tramadol, but I wasn't on a very high dose and I've only been taking it for about 4 days and only when desperately needed. I hate Trams, so I avoid them unless I have to take them for pain.

I did not go to bed stressed out. I had gouda cheese and crackers before I went to sleep. I also drank a lot of water throughout the day. I took my normal medications today: the only one I added in was Vistaril to manage my anxiety while I try to preserve my Xanax so I have just enough to stop withdrawals until Wednesday when I can try to get more. However, I've taken Vistaril in combination with my normal medications before without this happening. I also currently have a concussion, but I've had it for a week now, so I'm not sure that has anything to do with it.

Oh, and the tremors are gone. I still feel freaked out, and sort of on edge, like I don't trust the world right now - I feel like something bad is going to happen. When I close my eyes, I see more sinister images and more creepy, smiling, somewhat-human faces pass before me. Other than that though, I'm fine. Just confused.

So what the hell? Is it a combination of the Xanax, Suboxone, and Vistaril, with around 100 mg of Tramadol added in there today? Is it yet another post-concussive symptom showing up way later than it should? I just want to know. I don't like it; it's preventing me from feeling comfortable enough to go back into my room, let alone go back to sleep... and I am TIRED as SHIT. Plus I don't like these little hallucination-type things that I'm having, they're officially creeping me the hell out. I wish it was possible to cuddle with my bird.

I have a lot of experience with sleep disturbances, mainly nightmares (that are almost as horrific as this one, but not quite) and sleep paralysis. So needless to say, it's weird for this kind of thing to affect me. I've come out of some of the worst SP episodes ever and gone back to sleep within the hour. Something tells me that I'm going to be waiting until it's light outside to attempt sleep again, no matter how hard I have to fight off how tired I feel. I'm trying to avoid both the images I see when I close my eyes, as well as going back into my room... and okay, the idea of letting myself fall asleep and be completely vulnerable is bothering me too, so that's another thing stopping me.

Another thing - I keep seeing things move out of the corner of my eye. Black shapes, other objects (that when I look at head on are in the same place as always of course). I have zero idea what the fuck is going on. Any ideas? Anyone?

Mentally stable for now but seriously discontent with how my life is. This merits a little backdrop info. I was playing a game recently and dealing with a quest for Raul a gun fighting ghoul and hes going into this conversation about how just going around shooting to solve problems never seems to do anything good. Thats when I started this long imaginary lecture centered around the thought that maybe we didnt always solve things too amicably but at least we arent a bunch of cowards hiding inside wishing things would get better. No at least we actually were out there making a difference. Then I realised I was one of those cowards I spoke of. In real life anyway and that I really have any room to speak about anything because I do not have the courage or willpower to make change myself.
This is a vary dismaying realisation because it brings up old wounds that still wont heal since i wont face the issues, and guns or no still far to scared to make real change. I know that you cant reform yourself overnight but i can barely see what i need to do to help myself. Fuck I hate procrastinating but im so damn good at it.

I admit, ive been abusing salvia quite a bit ever since i got it Sunday, i can't seem to get enough of this new experience. I ran out last night going on my final 3 trips before i ran out.

The wasn't quite perfect, my dad was sleeping upstairs and my mother was yet to arrive home. If i were caught doing any substance god knows what they'd do.

Anyway i figured, ' hey i can fit a trip right now,' i set the some music and took about 2 and a half monster hits. I lied down and held it in.

Its pitch black where im at, my father comes down the stairs, i got caught, i run up these stairs (all the meanwhile im trying to run while lied down) panting, this is not a good one my friends, footsteps all around me and a house song which sounds happy but the lyrics being 'love not meant to be' sent me further down. Im alone, i cant seem to find my way out. I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, the ceiling which has small bumps looked like ice sickles hanging downward ready to fall at any moment towards my face- i take a deep breath and try to calm down, its helpless but its wearing off at a decent rate- thank god. I dont remember exactly what i saw then, soon enough i got up turned the light on and went to my computer- still a bit dissociated, and feeling like im rotating to the right like some kind of wheel- the computer screened look bent backwards and as i typed looking at the keyboard i blinked and a small explosion of keys shot up taking a figure of a man- opened my eyes and then lost my attention to the shadow right next to me drawn out by the light i turned on. I was astounded, i waved my hand and the figure did as well. Everything felt more "real" i can't explain it.

It took me about an hour to shake off what just happened, its hard to remember how bad the trip was, perhaps its just my optimistic outlook when i do these kind of things.

My mother soon Arrived and about 3 hours later after she went to bed i went on the last 2 trips before i was out.

Ill cut this one short, it being notable and all.
I shut my eyes same as before, thought about me doing absolutely nothing right now, i not attending school until spring and not having a job and how much i disliked it. Sure enough i remember this blue-green line progressing downward and shaking violently before it went in a shredder, which was out of my site, kind of like those lifeline machines u see at the hospital, only hanging downward. The thought of an essay came to mind, i cant remember exactly which was the author but it was about how one's perfect health can be stripped away so easily by disease.

Then it hit me, no matter how much you achieve, no matter how much you own, we will all die. You can be president of a country but your still going to die, it being as simple as a small car crash. CEO of a company or just a bum roaming the streets, were all equal because we will end up in the ground, what really matters is how you spend your life, being happy. Being happy as the poorest man in the world or the richest or anything in-between, materials don't matter they never did, no one will ever know you existed but you were there, happy and alive, thats all life should be about, not focusing on problems that don't exist. So yea, the cliche of "you only live once" did work its way in, you better spend it right because there is only one ending.

Wish you all a thousand good experiences.
~Arl's

hope it makes it to erowid

sad to say, i got back in, i used, for a while... months again this time. but, suboxone and clonazepam have saved me again. this is all for my own benefit, this is for no one else, so i do appologize to myself for almost dying, but i'm on my way... i CAN do it. i love myself. and i love you all...


oeace!!!

I say a lot of things prematurely and with entirely too much emotion involved a lot. I tend to put the cart before the horse, I tend to do things irrationally.

I can say for certain that one day, maybe not today and maybe not in a year but one day I am going to marry this wonderful woman I have.

I know without a doubt, without any insecurity, without...whatever that she will have my back and be by my side and with us for the rest of my life.

I can't believe I'm this lucky, and I could feel like this. I know this sounds all mush and crap but I don't give a fuck.

She loves us flaws and all. She's lasted through burn outs and she wants to be here with us through all the bad AND good times. She is a wonderful person and treats us like gold, what more could a person ask for?

Like the song from Alexander goes:

"Its like a spun tongue
its like a HOLY SHIT!
its like a live death...
a deep breath..."

No words can describe all this, closet that comes to it is..... HOLY SHIT! then go take a deep breath in the coldest freakin place in the world AFTER having an adrenaline rush/high.

It's freakin amazing! :D

test

Having a concussion, believe it or not, turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It exposed a few people, gave me a better idea of who's real and who was a fake ass bitch just trying to take advantage. Needless to say, I'm better off now, minus two negative toxic forces in my life. Good riddance to them both. It's hard to lose friends, but once a day goes by and you've had time to realize, "Oh shit... they were never even friends to begin with"... it makes it kind of hard to care. Which I don't. Anymore. Not really, anyway. I do care about the loss of an extra $20 a week for driving her kids to school, but that barely covered the gas for it anyways. And I do care about the money the other person stole, leaving me completely and utterly BROKE for the rest of this month. But, you know... that just further proves my point. About them both.

Also realized who actually DOES care about my well-being. It's always nice to know that certain people will come crawling out of the woodwork when you're in a rough spot, people you didn't even know were watching your posts or cared about you. I just made that sound really creepy lol. What I mean is, the night of my concussion (and a few rough nights following it afterwards), a couple people I never expected to came crawling out of the woodwork just to cheer me up. My one friend that I haven't talked to in ages was sending me funny pictures of animals all night while I was in the ER. Another one took me out to dinner and was really attentive all night to making sure my head was alright, even if he was giving me a hard time about it (he's a professional BMXer, so I can understand that I guess. He's seen worse). Another friend that I haven't even seen OR talked to in AT LEAST 8 years pulled up a bunch of information about post-concussive syndrome, and then she posted it on my wall, letting me know she was thinking of me and what not. And then, of course, there's my best friend (who really doesn't need any confirmation, but still) who brought me food and visited me when I got back from the hospital, since I'm on bed rest and completely bored all of this week. Another friend saw my posts (one I made when I was at a VERY low point, I literally just wanted to curl up and die) and called me immediately, saying, "If you EVER feel like this, you pick up the phone and call me. No excuses." That was nice. And then, biggest surprise of all, was... we'll just call him M (aka guy I broke off the toxic relationship with a few weeks back)... who called me at 3 in the morning to talk me through some bullshit. So even though I lost two "friends"... a better word would be frenemies, actually... there were more people who gained a big amount of my trust and respect. It was cool to know for sure who truly has my back.

The thing about being at rock bottom like that, is that there's nowhere to go but up. You can either GIVE up... or you can CLIMB up. I choose the second option. Rock bottom is the best place to put things into perspective and make drastic life changes, because honestly, what do you have to lose when you're as low as you can possibly get? Nothing. So I had a few epiphanies, made a few major life decisions and got the ball rolling on changing a few things. I've got pretty much everything on lockdown now. The only things that are reall y stressing me out at the moment still are my addiction (no matter what I do, I just can't seem to get past the point I'm at right now. It's not getting worse, it's just that I'm having an impossible time tapering down further), and the debt that I'm in. My financial situation just absolutely SUCKS. It wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that I can't look for a job right now. The job hunt came to a stand still when my one "frenemy" offered me $20 a week to drive her kids to school and babysit them afterwards, it wasn't much, but it was enough to make me feel far more secure, knowing I had an extra source of income. And once she exposed herself for the waste of life that she is... well, needless to say, I wasn't doing HER anymore favors. But now I can't look for a job because of this concussion, and it's stressing me out. I'd feel SO much better about it if I knew I was doing something proactive to change my financial situation, but there's nothing I can do. I can't drive right now, or go on interviews, even filling out a simple job application is just too much work for me right now. That part sucks. And unfortunately, money is extremely important to me, so it's weighing on my mind A LOT.

Oh well. The important thing is, is that I'm at least TRYING to make positive changes... and I am making them in other areas, even if it's not in the areas that are (to me) the most important. Well, except for school. I'm really glad I solved that part. Oh well. My addiction and my financial situation are the biggest obstacles in my life at the moment, so I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Especially not right now. One step at a time, right? Baby steps.

Everything will work out alright.