Blogs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOlDewpCfZQ

I just wanted to sign off on a happy note.

Sunny at dawn, cloudy at lunch, and now as the sun sets we are looking at a mesh of pink, grey, and blue.

I could enjoy a soothing beverage at this moment.

Simply a day with the computer.

Outside is gray and still.
The water is dotted with white and black in the distance and the only disturbances are the occasional crabbing boat passing by.
The grey sky meets the water in a perfect way.
I love days this way.
I love when I have the time to sit here and just stare out the window at something that so captures what I feel.

This last week I've been, almost outside of myself.
In a strange place mentally.
I feel like I'm standing still.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/the_loving_abyss/

My photo collection. I can't afford a pro account until I get paid, so starting off with this.

Now then. An online journal entry. I haven't done one of these in YEARS. I always wanted to be able to blog well. I just can't though. My thoughts and ideas are erratic and troubling at times and I don't really feel like anyone needs to see them...

I'm on annual leave from work. Just three days. Life's exhausting me at the moment which is suprising as this is one of the most quiet times I've had in a long time. These periods of respite from dramatic times are never appreciated at the time. I figured a few days to sew my soul back to my body would be useful. I'll return to work on Monday and pray to whatever deity is listening that I have renewed energy to get through it until I've figured out where I'm really going.

Between the ages of 28 and 30 I seem to have gone through a period of abandonment. I blame myself mostly, I've been aggressively full on and there were a lot of people in my life that were really bad for me. I might not have a lot of people in my life now but I feel more secure because the ones who have stuck around (who were the ones I didn't expect to) have been loyal which means a lot. There's a few I've lost who I miss badly. Some of them are still under the same sky... and sadly a few have returned to the earth. I guess that's the cycle of life though and all I can do is hold each and every one close to my heart. Anyone who finds their way back will always find home with me. Good friends are too precious not to forgive.

There's this thing called Saturn Return that I think my life has been going through: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_return

I know it sounds like pretentious hippy bullshit but I genuinely feel like things have changed since I turned 30 in July. In many ways I'm growing more mature and I'm more level-headed. I've been able to admit to myself that I've treated people in my life badly and that I did it through lack of attention to what was going on rather than deliberate spite. My heart hurts for some of the things that I did to others and it also hurts for what other people did to me. I take responsibility though. Nobody can hurt you unless you let them... and it was always easier for me to play the victim than stand up to someone.

I'm looking after myself a bit better now. I've got a problem with my blood pressure (diastolic) which I need to take medication for. I've been diagnosed with a metabolic problem which means my diet is going to change drastically. For someone who loves their food... it's going to be hard.

There's this yearning in my soul to get a cottage in the country, a dog, and grow vegetables and herbs in a beautiful garden. I want to sit in front of an open fire and knit while listening to Radio 2. I want to look after my friends and my family. I want to go to music festivals but go to bed before 10am in the morning.

Has my life been so incredibly shallow? All those nights up until dawn, sitting round a campfire with virtual strangers, making new friends and hearing the most incredible life stories. All I can do is be joyful that some of those friendships have lasted and have inspired me to look at life differently. The bad times have shown me that the festivals and raves are not a lifestyle I want to be completely submerged in... I'd rather record it for posterity in words and photographs. I'm alternative but I'm not extreme enough to believe in anything completely. I probably would have made a good journalist, I prefer to sit back and observe.

A quote from Almost Famous from legendary "Band Aid" Miss Penny Lane

"I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you can just go to the record store and visit your friends."

Well, I don't know why I'm writing this journal entry other than I don't have many people to talk to these days... and sometimes it's just nice to record how I feel at a moment in time.

I sometimes think my heart will never be full and that I could go on loving the world forever and ever. My heart, the loving abyss.

If you read this your prolly gay.


REAL LIFE

I have a lot of digital art that I am trying to get exposure for, how would I go about showcasing them on bluglight?
I will embed one as a test but the embed feature has been acting up for me.

1. Layne Staley (Alice In Chains and Mad Season)
2. Maynard James Keenan (Tool, A Perfect Circle and Puscifer)
3. Jerry Cantrell (Alice In Chains)
4. Klaus Meine (Scorpions)
5. Dave Mustaine (Megadeth and the ego's Metallica for a little while)
6. Ronnie James Dio (Dio, Rainbow, Black Sabbath)
7. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden)
8. Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath)
9. Alice Cooper
10. James Hetfield (Metallica)

Scored it in New Orleans,Took the powder out of the capsule, and it had a very salty taste, too harsh to snort so i poored it into a cup of water and drank it. Effects started to set in after about 30 mins.

The effects felt very similar to MDMA(very euphoric; vision was also affected). Example: I was talking to my friend at a nightclub and could have sworn he was wearing a pair of glasses.(He was definately NOT though) Not very long lasting(2 1/2 hours tops), and virtually no comedown. After we left the club I was able to eat with no problem, and could go to sleep as I'm typing this. Any thoughts on what this may have been?
So what was this? Any speculation is appreciated. .

Scored it in New Orleans,Took the powder out of the capsule, and it had a very salty taste, too harsh to snort so i poored it into a cup of water and drank it. The high felt very similar to MDMA, but not very long lasting, and a very smooth comedown. i bought two capsules for 25$. Any thoughts on what this may have been?
Any speculation is appreciated.

So back again to spill some shit. It's so nice out here all the beautiful colors of fall and here i haven't left my house in days. I can tell winters coming because I have been unwittingly closing myself off again. This hasn't worked well in the past and I know that but not going to stop it. It is strange to me that it happens every year without me even realising. Maybe I'm weird to look forward to being isolated but I do enjoy it at the same time I get so depressed staring at the same four walls. Yep I had better grab some books and dig in for winter.

As the adage tells us, when it rains it pours and right now, right here, it is one hell of a storm. The NPA (Maoists) are still blowing shit up all over the place and now Abu Sayyaf, the MILF and the MNLF have joined the circle jerk as well. The Filipinos are so cute.; for "fighters" they use 1960s-era OV-10 Broncos. They can't fly worth a shit and often drop their load in the wrong places. So far they have been hitting the mark but I admit, hearing them roar (you hear them before you see them) does give me pause. I don't want to end up as two short sentences on ppA23 of the Tuesday New York Times.

Got those shotguns and I admit I really fucked up given the price of even conventional shot gun rounds and the inability to carry many of them around. Still great piece and I have personally having a ball shooting dragons breath and bolo rounds. I didn't know that dragons breath rounds are problematic in automatic shotguns! When you chamber, the previous round pops hard out of the side and with these rounds the shells spit a bit of flame for a milisecond or so after firing so that if someone is to the right of you as you are firing on auto they risk serious injury. Anyway, it isn't like I was gonna give super-expencive rounds to the men walking the line. Next time around I will switch back to assault rifles. A friend of my father in law is arranging a meeting with a manufacturer in Danao.

The municipality of Danao, on Cebu Island, a 20 hour sail north of Mindanao (or 45 minutes by plane) has a homegrown weapons industry. When I had gone to Peshwar in Pakistan there was a town in the north, inside the NW Tribal Zone, where they could make just about any short or long arm you wanted, even from photos. I was very impressed. Come to find out a few years ago that the same thing takes place on Cebu.

A 45 caliber pistol, legal, will cost you 600 US new here. Getting it manufactured in Danao runs about 90 US. AR15s are all the rage because Flips love M16s, or as they call them, "Armalites." They even had a legal factory manufacturing them on liscence for awhile. Getting one manufactured now on Danao costs 240 US BUT IF you buy it in bulk you can get it as low as. 160 US depending on the quantity. We are setting up an appointment to talk though I really don't want to go up to Cenu, G-D forbid I might run into Rizza in Cebu City.

On the Kidnap tip, a 14 year old girl, a 30-something woman and a 5 year old boy were grabbed in different kidnappings locally this week, just a fun place. I have behun considering taking out a a Ransom Policy. Certain insurers sell such policies, the good ones include negotiators but I don't see any advantage. My loved ones know the territory better than some Westerner who of course will make the negotiations drag out as he tries to get the ransom lowered since it comes out of his firm's bottom line.

Another Italian priest was murdered this past week. These dummies involve themselves in local political issues, is it any wonder? Father Fausto Tentorio bit the bullet, literally.

I have been watching some crazy shit on Youtube in my offtime. I t is called "Retarded Policeman," and it has a Down Syndrome guy dressing like a cop and then having him pull cars over. The shit is so stupid but makes you piss none the less. I have also been watching "The Guild," a Youtube series of shorts about an online gaming crew, its pretty funny also but not nearly as much as "Retarded Policeman."

i was 18 in dahad (egypt) and for the new year we dropped acid, turns out it changed my live, it changed everything, and post that well the atheism made no sense at all, i understood what all those religion were talking about, i saw the light, i understood it was the most important thing in the world, it just is fucking crazy that this can happen to a human brain, and that you can come back from it, and not have special power or something post that, its really fucking crazy that a illegal substance could be bigger than everything you have ever learn, thats its bigger than everything you have ever heard, that the whole school system, the whole culture, the whole belief from your upbringing has being dwarf to such a extent that it become ,,,idk, iwas gonna say laughable but it sure didnt turned out to be funny, because then you realize that everyone is acting like monkeys trowing poop around and being totally unevolved and clueless about it all, and even tho there is religion all around talking about parts of this, most follower are totally in the dark about what those religion are talking about, but then i understood they all talked about the same thing, all from a different perspective, all from a different cultural bias, and i could not do better, i was speechless, so ateism sure got the fuck out but science got pretty thin too, it did not go far at all at explaining much anything in regards to that
so i had to go look for whatever else there was out there and i found taoism, it made sense, it made perfect sense to me, and it ended up being my main model to translate back to normal human language this out of this words experience,
i had to bring it back, i had to dress it up with normal words and stop my speechlessness
but even then, even if now i feel like im good enough to make sense of it with words, it still aint there within the words, its there somewhere between the lines but it aint, its there for me because its inside myself, it aint gonna be there for someone else because my truth isnt his truth, my words arent his, my choice of words or expression or pattern of organization...isnt gonna be his so its gonna end up being something else, something that it aint suppose to be, unless he doesnt need my words for it because he got there too,
but thats the situation with religion, a bunch of people who have no clue for the most part because someone ended up doing just like me and opened his mouth and then people kill themself over what they think it means
so im doing it wrong...
i should just stfu
but then people dont really listen and its already out there anyway, but those who talk usually dont know, those who know they stfu
and im talking so...
i use to stfu, i use to start it in my head and it would come back to it useless to share, because "the tao that can be told is not the eternal tao"
i was half wise in doing so and half unable to express myself
now i can talk and i feel like i understand stuff, but really...it aint about that,
its about me sharing myself, but im still influenced by my past, where i was looking for answer, where i wanted to understand, because i did not knew, or at least i believed i did not knew, thats why i did not move forward toward that girl i was into in highschool,
i had to find something, i went on a quest...
and now i know and shes gone, 20 year of my life are gone, that a huge time, thats most of it, was it good ? was it worth it ? did i really choose to go there ?
half and half
was it the sound of the bell or the idea of a steak that made me salivate for better days
do i want to go back there, back in who i was, well that cant work i was already who i was, i could not be me, i would not care about my old life,
i care about the sun, ive always did, happy sunshine, summer is good, specially when you come from winter wonder land canadia
i use to be happy and it came back, after such a long autumn and winter
i can be free now but im still in parts of my old life, ive changed the inside and now it the outside that is gonna starts to change
but i aint far yet
but it doesnt matter
i do whatever and its working well enough for me, im getting there anyway
and thats good,
thats really good
tho it feels weird, ive got so much weird stuff in my head,

how much stuff im i gonna type in here, whats the point, why do i want to leave stuff behind, or outside,
because it aint where i am anymore ? because its good bye to what once was ?
its letting it go, letting it be shared with others, or at least putting it in a situation where it has the possibility to get inside someone else, but then it aint about this text, its just in general, its just what i wasnt doing back in the days, i was building fences, walls, masks, to avoid it all, to not share and not receive
i didnt want to be part of,
i ended up being in my room thinking for so long
fucking depression, not finding a way to come back, wanting to go away and reach the sun
i got caught up in something and now im free, and thats good but where does that leaves me, again thats not important, nothing is really important, and thats important
i can balance
i can breath
i can be happy
im not there yet but i am
im still use to think and write but,, no need for it, i can do, i can act
i want that girl but shes everywhere
it aint about someone with a name, its about her, whats behind "her", whats behind me, its the same thing, unity, but then you dont write, then you disappear
and thats what i was talking about earlier
wuji, and coming back, leaving something behind to recognize yourself, to remember
you leave trace behind all your life, and if you dont...well you always do no matter what, but...how much of it ends up being worth it,
then thats thinking that something should be on one side more than the other..
so there is lots of talk about the after life, like the egyptian and some other talks about remembering your body after you die or else youll have to do it again if you want to get to whatever there is after or immortality i guess its what its about, but then doesnt that makes you immortal in both case, why the hurry to start it now with the same identity ?
and then, what kind of religion do you believe in once you are dead, once you are immortal, what do you believe in at that point ?
i dont really care the after life, to me it connects to the before life and the im sleeping and i aint there atm life
there is nothing wrong with not being there
parts of me arent there atm, im not my whole self at all time, im parts of myself
i think its all now, the whole thing is a illusion, and that illusion is real
every moments of it all is happening all at once right now but im just a part of it, and ive being doing so for eternity and will forever, but it aint time consuming, you dont have to be there to be there, it doesnt have to happen to happen
if everything is in perfect balance then there is nothing happening, once you loose balance then you wake up, and i woke up in here, in this body, being myself, which isnt necessarily myself but it is, and i could say that i lost balance because i forgot something, and now im trying to remember something, and that something is simply to appreciate that moment, this , right now, thats whats its about,
the universe would have no reason if it weren't to appreciate itself by being itself
but then taoist dont go there, thats more of the acid influence, and those feeling are alot more saturated that what is to be found within taoism, its a lot more similar to hinduism
but it aint by knowing what its about that youll remember what its about
taoism is more about how then what, its more about the underlying principle of the universe than what the experience of a human life is about
the universe is self explanatory, you just have to let it in, you just have to learn to unlearn, i think that taoism is good for that, you have the centerpoint, you can go back to sleep, by staying awake
no bed time story mister hindu
is that a closing point ?
writing on the internet, are those my words, do i remember myself,
centerfold might be more fun than centerpoints
having the feeling that time is moving backward as much a forward, it makes it hard to type, life can be confusing
ive being stuck on stuff for so long, im not following the line most people are following, then i think im doing it wrong but im really not trying to achieve what they are, i went somewhere else with it, and i sure got what i paid for on acid,
and its still there, and that does makes me feel unstable, because i can connect with something that just isnt there for most, something weird where a part of me knows this has being going on forever and there is no end to it, and we all end up getting together having fun sharing ourselves, but until then i need to also believe that im doing it wrong because i cant connect the right way to get some of what i wish for but then i just dont wish enough for it,


so ive cut this into part because of the character limit and now im posting it

you return to nothingness, it aint about god, its aint about good, but its about good health but thats a side effect, its just what happens if you follow the way, its about good if you make it so, its about god if you make it so, but taoism doesnt tell you too, the universe doesnt tell you too, or i should say the underlying essence behind it
thats something that i like about taoism is that it just is, things just are, and thats meaningful in itself but it doesnt need to be, its just a side effect because you balance yourself with something that as much giving as it is taking,
abramic religion are about good and evil and they care about one side more than the other and they did ended up doing good and bad, they root for the good but they inevitably ended up doing so much bad in the name of good....
induism is about braman and maya as far as i understand it, which is basically that we are all god, everything is god except for maya, which is a illusion we get caught up in for the sake of drama, for the sake of entertainment, for the sake of forgetting that we are god so that we could experience ourself (the whole universe) as individual parts of it, as every individual parts of it through infinity, and thats pretty cool and ive being there done that, it makes sense in regard of my own psychedelic experience, but then im not sure why you should remember that you are braman if its as much about forgetting that you are it
again it seems to be about one side more than the other but im not sure about hinduism, i find it hard to find whats its about inside all that cultural bagage they put inthere and all over the place, but then, well maby thats the point for the sake of balancing what they say about remembering with a billion stuff you dont need to know for the sake of making you forget what its about
some people say you cant really take Hinduism out of india and maybe thats the case ?
but then Buddha did that, and as some say Buddhism is Hinduism ready for export...
now i find buddhism a little annoying, its always about buddha, why such a personality cult ? the meditating statues of buddha could hold a mirror so that you could see yourself in the buddha or something, and then its about enlightenment where life is suffering, well right there it doesnt start too well, and then there is something to do to free yourself from that and its to free yourself from desire, but then oops, it creates the desire for enlightenment, so you got a buch of people craving a desire for enlightenment but for the most part people dont really get too far, and if they really get into it they end up isolating themself, not having very active life, not having relationship, not having children, not being part of whats going on in the world, not participating in politics, (unless you are a political figure like the dalai lama) where they are isolating themself out of life where they dont want to take responsibility for killing meat or insect so they turn vegan, and eventually it feel like denial of life, it doesnt feel right, it doesnt feel good, those monk are pretty cool but idk how much sense it makes, isolating yourself to fap fap fap your third eye until you reach enlightenment but then you havent shared that with your wife(s) and kids, you dont make babies and create a living working community,
it ends up feeling pretty self absorb, it doesnt balance the world within with the world outside, and if you want to be free from desire shouldnt you be confronted by desire instead of avoiding desire ? and if its all a illusion shouldnt you free yourself from your desire of non desire and start playing around and have fun and drink and fuck and kill bugs and eat meat
so ive got a hard time understanding buddhism, there is lots of awesome stuff in there including lots of really insightful people and they sure arent warmonger but it just doesnt work for me the way i understand it,
in regards to taoism if it was a drug it would be a dissociative while taoism would be a psychedelic, both can get you there but buddhism is about isolating yourself to free yourself from the illusion while psychedelics (taoism) will get you there by immersing yourself in everything around, going in nature and ending up in a state of synestesia where all is one, all is light
but then buddha's philosophy came from rejecting the world he lived in while taoist came from observing the world they lived in without rejecting any personal bias because it aint about 1 guy, its about a community of people through time
the Egyptian are pretty cool, thats old as fuck, its about ra, the sun god, and then you have deities around that that seem to be based on real people but they added mystical property to them because they were close to the sun, they had great understanding of the world around them and that enlightenment was godly so they became representation of ra, different personification of ra, the sun
so its pretty much monotheism but still dressed up as animism so god is the sun and deities have animal head, and animal have sacred meanings
but it really aint monotheism because its moving around and ever changing and merging
but as much as buddhism might have being hinduism ready for import i can see abramic faith as egypt mysticism ready for export
and they sure where into the idea of a after life
and they were so meticulous about this, it seemed center stage to their identity
but then im not sure why im talking about egypt, except maybe to connect it back to christianity
jesus did rose from the dead...
and i should rise and go get myself something to eat...
long post is long and its saying
"The text that you have entered is too long (23783 characters). Please shorten it to 10000 characters long."

well now im not sure why am i writhing in a blog with speed limits
i guess ill cut in parts
so so where the fuck am i going with this, do i care to picked off where i left,
talking about influence in my life, and starting with a title suggesting taoist content
but i did include that, and i was saying why i think that taoism is the best for me
if you are into science what kind of practice do you do, well i was into psychology so psychoanalysis was wat wat, and it still is, i always go back and understand where im coming from and where im going and how ive became what ive became, again its pavlov's dog, thats how i got interested in psychology, thats how i realize to what extend we were machine in dynamics

dy·nam·ics (d-nmks)
n.
1.
a. (used with a sing. verb) The branch of mechanics that is concerned with the effects of forces on the motion of a body or system of bodies, especially of forces that do not originate within the system itself. Also called kinetics.

how most of what we are is taken from around us, that we are our environment and that if you can control your environment...or others environment...
for instant in highschool one day with a friend in class at the end of the day i started closing my books and moving my chair back n forth and closing the zipper on my pen n shit case and all that, me and him making all those little noise over and over until everyone started doing the same, it triggered their reaction way earlier that it should have being if they would have looked at the clock, there was still maybe 10 min left to the class, but i fucked with their brain by creating the sensory illusion that a lot of people were closing their books and all that...and that was pretty funny, i was experimenting, observing, trying to understand people, trying to understand my own self...
so i was trying to understand what triggered this : why
i had started to wonder why, on a existential level, and thats about the time ive also left christianity behind and eventually called myself a atheism
i was wondering why and why i was wondering why
it went in two direction
and then came acid...

even if you are a atheist its hard to go against that...
and the way things are is that there is wuji, which is nothing, and that gives birth to something, which is called taiji, and then taiji returns to wuji, but then it aint as linear as that, because one gives birth as much as the other, and one returns as much as the other but not really, something and nothing are opposite and they are complimentary, and the same thing happen with taiji, taiji is found in the taji tu symbol, the yin yang symbol, where there is opposites that are complimentary,
and if i put that in mathematics symbolism its : 0 = wuji, 1 = taiji, + = yang, - = yin
and thats the way things are, thats the underlying principle "behind" the universe (but its as much behind than in front of)
and from there it creates everything
thats lets say my interpretation or understanding of their cosmology
and from that comes their philosophy, which is about balance and alignment, you need alignment to balance something, you need a center point to balance something from, but you find that center by balancing stuff, again its that interrelationship where one creates the other as much as the other creates one
so the point in taoism is to achieve good health and longevity by balancing yourself
so you are suppose to follow the tao but thats your alignment, its a straight line from you to the tao, from you to the way things are, and the way things are is that they change all the time but that never change, so there is something that always change and something that never change
you align on what never change and you balance on what always change
and that dynamism is what brings good health, because you aint loosing energy around fighting the way things are, you learn to go with them, its the equivalent in martial arts to using your opponents force against him
or on a boat it would be about using the wind, the wind is the way but you dont have to go south if the wind goes south, you can go left and right and if you get good you can even go north but you cant never really go north in a straight line, its always a curve, you cant directly go against the wind
so you dont make up your alignment, thats where the yielding takes place, where you need to observe the way things are, and from there you balance yourself
from there you can shift your weight one way or the other depending on whats going on and use the wind or your opponents strength to your favor
but i our daily modern lives its usually about stress, understanding where it comes from, where its going, and not fight against it but go with it, there is a reason why its there, its energy, its a wind that is suppose to push you forward, but you cant grab someones butt or punch someones face just cause your animal body feels like it, you need to divert that energy into something else, but you cant fight against it its gonna win over your good health, you need to accept it, let it come and redirect it somewhere else, so instead of thinking about not doing something you need to think about doing something else, like if you are trying to stop smoking you need to stop thinking about not smoking, that just creates more stress which makes your craving even worse and then you cant sleep...
you think about putting something else in your mouth, you think about doing something else like exercising,
if you do push ups every time your body tells you to smoke then it might not so easily get incline to ask when you really dont feel like doing push ups, you might not care to hear that part of your brain asking for nicotine, its like Pavlov's dog in behavioral psychology, you reprogram your brain so that everytime you hear a bell you think steak, but in this case you think fuck it, the good of the craving isnt worth the bad of the exercise, unless that is your body starts to ask for endorphin instead and you care to work out so weee, you turn something bad into something good
anyway...
the point of taoism is health, and you get there by following the way and you can more easily find the way in nature, its everywhere, its all around, but you really dont have to be in nature, its just that nature puts you back in place inside your animal body where you need to follow whats around, we still can connect with nature, we still go camping, the less you have the more you are reliant to nature, the more it becomes important to connect with everything around, day and night, pants and animal, the seasons.....because those are survival matter
but then we started using fire and tools and electricity and then we really dont have to connect to survive
even tho we now all connect on the internet around the fire of social networks to share our stories we still have to balance ourself not to loose ourself, the more you have the easier to loose one self
its good to bring it all back to basic, all back to wuji, to 0, to emptiness and let itself being brought back to life from within yourself and up to the sun, balance yourself from nothing to everything, from left to right, from good and bad, from yesterday to tomorrow
the flow is always there, the way, the path...that is the primordial essence of being
and the more you can center around it, the more healthy you become
the less energy you loose fighting against, the more energy you have for your immune system, the better you can digest, the better you can sleep
so the better you can rejuvenate yourself, the universe rejuvenate itself at all time, it is constantly doing so, that is the essence of the wuji-taiji relationship, it holds itself
and yeah i feel like writing about it be cause for me this is good stuff
this is good relationship model, but it took me ten some years to really get it, and i know it aint in there in what i say, its between the lines, and you need to do the work yourself to get there, you aint gonna know much about sex by reading about it, you aint gonna get good on a instrument by reading a book about it, and even then, even if you do it you still have to do it again, and again, and again...
it aint more about knowing then it is about understanding then it is about experiencing, its about all of them in balance, as they say when it come to recording music : "your signal is as good as your weakest link"
i use to be way too much in my head because my upbringing was suggesting that that was the evolved and superior things to due and that sure fucked me up
i ended up isolating myself in my head building walls around my heart and disconnecting from my body until i was ready to kill myself because i had fucking lost balance, i ended up thinking instead of acting because i wanted to figure out something with my head because i believe that the only way to figure something out was by thinking about it, and thats bullshit, meaning doesnt comes from your head more than your feet, its all energy pattern that makes you connect, it makes you connect with something, something we call meaning, and it doesnt matter what part of your body connects with it, its that relationship that we value, that connect in itself, it doesnt matter if you dont know wtf in your head, you just want to feel good, you just want to connect
"there is a light that never goes out"
and now ill talk about god,
what if we would define god as a feeling,
a quality of feeling that happens when we align ourself so good that we receive energy beyond words, we feel immerse with eternal love because we feel so good that we want to share the love around
god is a feeling from the stars, god is the light, the one and true light that goes beyond words, beyond explanation, a light so pure we see god, we see omnibenevolence, omnipotence, omniscience
what if god is simply a quality of feeling that we get all is align so thigh that we feel infinity energy embracing us, making us feel immortal in his arm, what if that energy is simply the universe, the motion of the stars, the motion of the earth, the motion of your body, the motion of your emotion at a moment where everything aligns perfectly well with the whole universe
i think thats how i see god atm, as a quality of feeling, the feeling is personal but the reason behind it is impersonal, and you might get there unconsciously by luck
its just a part of how the way things are
i think that taoism goes beyond that, or at least doesnt center on that, it center on itself, and you can do the same by centering on yourself by letting the dao be within you, by centering yourself around the dao you end up centering yourself around yourself, and "As Above, So Below" the macrocosm of the universe is balanced with the microcosm of yourself, thru duality you let go off duality, you make one with the universe, and you return to wuji

writing words, letting them come, going where they lead, find myself in this now, ever flowing, there is things i should do, but i cant go there without knowing, i must let go but i do, i must let go of letting go but then i do, so then i go but i dont, i do but...

im still here but im not the same, im the same but i aint
i want more but i dont, i wanna stay and i wanna go

then im back in highschool, or is it childhood, or is it me
i was in the park, i was wondering, letting myself go, being conscious
creating memories, writing it down within, inside my personal story
i had started life, a inner life, accumulating meaning, what it might mean, but it was all feelings, moments in time, i was connecting to something, it was a quality, a clarity, idk
childhood was really nice for me, i would ride around and explore, adventure time, not knowing, not needing to know, food was gonna be there and so would my bed, no worry and up to a new tomorrow, a happy cheezy crazy tomorrow
the sun, the sun, the sun
the grass was green, the sky was blue, and my heart was light and afternoons would never end
but then they would
and then im here
thinking about the dao, thinking about why do i care to write it down, why do i stop thinking if i know, why do i want to write it down,
for entertainment ? for the sake of avoiding doing something else ? because i die and i want to leave parts of me behind to find myself back ?
why do people want to leave something behind, why do they want to be remembered ?
"his spirits lives on"
we entertain memories, does that gives birth to the spirit world, do we create a spirit world out of our energies, out of the memories we entertain, that we hold within our heart,
what is love, what is hate, what is energy
random musing for the sake of itself, random moments
wanting to include something out of it, wanting to take the best and place it here, on paper,
those moments i wanna live in, those special moments that dont necessarily means something to the brain but they are meaningful to the heart, they have value, they feel good, they contain something special, something i want more of,
i wanna live inside those moments, because i gave them meaning, i made them mine by writing them down deep within me, and then i want to write them down on paper, let them out, so that they dont die with me,
but i dont have to name any of it, or describe any of it, its all there by itself, it rains, it snows, it just is
and so am i
i be
it am
im reversing, river sing, a flow of sound, a color is born out of a droplet of water, a line to the sun, connecting me to myself in time, in space, divided, united
that color is red, and its blue, and its all, at all time, but its only just now, just there, just now, but its a ghost by then, but it lives on, i give it birth everytime i go back
i want her with me, the sun in her smile, sweet chilhood, i was born free, and i got caught up, i lost it, to find it back again, and then im here, musing, amusing, not knowing, but knowing,
then comes the wind, time, time blowing me where but here, always here, remembering, and creating anew
i wanna let go and i wanna go
i wanna share something, but this aint it, those are words, they are but words, my words, and that aint it, it is it all, and it doesnt need me,
the universe is self explanatory, it does not need you, but you dont need it, you dont need to live, i dont need to be here, "I" isnt me, eye can see that, but "i" isnt
so then what, im i back in highschool, wondering, and musing, but not funny, did i loose time, did i lost myself, or did i found myself, isnt that the same, why wondering, is it wonderful, fulfilling, full of feelings, putting toys in santa's bag, making happy,
happy is good,
happy is good
i get caught up
more lines, more words, when there is no need for them,
old ways of doing it, nostalgia about it, going back in time, finding my way, to a time before time, to a space within and without, that brings me back here, and did i miss the train, was i going left, did i just left, its right here, it turns, and turn, around the sun, towards the sun, around and round, bringing back the past with the future, within the future, this moment always growing,
i need to keep balance, i keep balance, im pretty good now, i can breath, i get better,

this sure aint about taoism is it

take 2 :

i felt like writing, and i dont know about the blog format, i know about writing, on my own or in a forum, but the mix of the two is weird, there seem to be even less purpose then writing for your own self, like in a journal, why am i between the two, for the sake of trying, (but) where is the content ? do i care for it, isnt it by itself, because i felt like writing but...there is so much i could say, i could go somewhere with this but i think that the somewhere i care to go for atm is here and it need not to be told, i wanna talk about nothing, but then i end up saying nothing, isnt that wuji
im trying to talk taoism i guess, but experience, not words, emptiness, not words
no words but any of them, none are really words, a word is a word but table isnt a word its table
but table isnt a table its a word
a table isnt a word and a word isnt a table
and "the tao that can be told is not the eternal tao"
and then im buying chicken at the grocery store
and then i can feel good, and then i want to share that
i want good people
but then do i ? ive got myself, but is it me ?
isnt it itself by itself
i can let go and smile, but to what extent
is the point to writing all that stuff lately being about that, bringing myself back down, not loosing myself in all of "it"
the wuji, the emptiness, the void, the nothing
im i trying to make a stand, so that i can come back here, in those words, in someones heart, back to life
do i care about this life, did i ? is it about me, myself, and others
what if i let go
i felt as if i would come back
but do i
i cant seem to place it within a duality
there aint no more good no more bad within emptiness
a primordial emptiness
but dont i come back here when i put back to life, when "it" is put back to life, through immemorial ages

ive gone back to acid feelings, things from a acid trip from 15 years ago
ive heard someone talk about something...
made me remember a part of something, something scary and reassuring
ive came here before and ill come back again
and i feel like leaving something behind
a typical "i wus here" feeling, leaving a trace, a sing, a signature for the sake of remembering, reembracing what once was the meaning that made you whole, the meaning within the center of your heart, that gave its light
that grain of sand, "there is a light that never goes out"
we die, we disappear completely, but then "it" comes back
we forget our dreams
...
i forget myself,
i wanted to walk to her but i did not, i wanted her, she was someone i knew, someone i wanted to know more of, someone i wanted to share myself with, but i did not move, i did not got, i lost myself, i forgot something, i had forgotten something, something that felt important, i would sit and wonder what it was, it was a part of myself, it was something, it must have being something or was i just avoiding the situation,
i failed
i did not move

we forget our dreams, what do they mean, why is there a cow in the supermarket and its completely normal, why cant i find my shoes, and i can breath underwater...
dreams makes no sense, why do we loose it every night, and end up believing its all real
because we want to believe ? believe that there is meaning, even tho there is a bunch of non sense going on we believe its all real because it really doesnt matter if it makes no sense, we make it make sense by following a story, there is a story and thats meaningful
there is a story, that never goes out...
cue to the never ending story theme song ; )

so what is taoism,
some chinesse thingny about stuff, and then they dress funny and do martial arts and then god said : that is good
i like taoism, it made sense to me ten some years ago and then it got better
it went from knowing about it in my head to understanding it in my heart to then recently experiencing it in my body
i was dealing with restless leg syndrome so i had trouble falling asleep and i ended up developing a technique to help me to fall asleep
and since i go to bed every night well...i ended up practicing the technique a whole lot, got good at it, realize that i could do it when not trying to fall asleep, then realize i did not need to be in bed, then i was able to do it easily anywhere at anytime, i had found a way to connect with something that was ever present
and thats emptiness
its always everywhere at all time
but it aint shit, it aint there, but it is, it really is, and isnt
but then shit gets futile when you try to share
and there is no point to share, but there is, its i itself
i fucking love being where i am
ive had to deal with depression for 20 year, that wasnt good, that was shit,
but im free from that now,
i found a way
i could say i found god but that aint it, i was raised christian but im talking taoism now
my main influence in chronological order have being : christianity, science, shamanism, taoism
and in taoism there is no god, but there is a way, there is "the" way, which is the way things are, so its the way things are-ism

favorite movie

i want to write about how i see this movie now a days
its been a huge influence on me
it got to me real deep as a kid, i really got caught up into those feelings that the story brought forth
it made me feel real good as a kid
i was part of that story, i was atreyu, i was riding falcor...
it made me believe, it made me follow something within myself
"what kind of a quest"
it made me start a quest from within

the end of that movie would get me high
the movie as a whole was the equivalent of my first psychedelic experience
it left its trace, it ended up being a deeper influence than religion
due to a christian upbringing jesus sure did have a impact on me but it did not reach that level, jesus was a weird story from the adult world
i could connect to the neverending story on a direct level, on a open heart level, with all my body and all my head
...

and so it begins

its the story of a kid confronted with a reality where his mom died and he needs to put that behind him, and in conjunction to that he need to leave his childhood life behind and faced the adult world
a world where imagination isnt the game we play
a world where like his father you need to be serious and professional and go on with it
so Bastien needs to leave those unicorns behind and start living in the "real" world
"Now, Bastian, you're old enough to get your head out of the clouds and start keeping both feet on the ground. Alright ?"

but then its a hard world where he gets picked on, a world where he cant escape, a world where he is late for school, where he forgot he had a test that day
but fuck it, bastien has strong ties with his own inner world where imagination and intuition are still strong, a world where his mom influence is still alive

so he end up creating a story alongside the real world, a story where he is a warrior on a quest to save a world called fantasia
that world is in his own imagination and it has no boundaries
but he gets caught up in it, he end up believing in it as if it was real, but not right away, it all starts with his alter ego called atreyu, and atreyu is faced with sadness and melancholia and despair because fantasia is dying and he cant seem to find a cure
fantasia which is bastien own internal world is dying because fantasia lives off bastien imagination
it is dying because of a force called the nothing
which is a emptiness of the heart due to lack of belief in yourself, due to a lack of beliefs in the impossible
a lack of belief that you yourself can changed it all, simply by wishing for it, simply by believing that you can create it all from scratch
so fantasia is dying because bastian is loosing faith in himself because the death of his mom confronts him with a very cold and dry world, a adult world made of different shades of gray

and i sure was identifying with that as a kid, i was growing up and the adult world didnt seem ok, it didnt seem like a better world, growing up meant that i was gonna loose something, or that i might loose something
that did not please me
and that movie made me feel like it was all ok, i would find a way, everything was possible...

so bastien enters that world and starts a quest, he end up at a oracle that will kill him if his heart isnt pure, then he is confronted with who he truely is
and thats where it gets weird because atreyu is bastien
and the third oracle tells atreyu to get a human child (which happens to be you disguised as bastien)
and bastien just does not want to get involve
he doenst want all of this to be true even tho thats what he really wants, but his dad said to keep his feet on the ground..
he is conflicted between left brain and right brain, between his heart and his head, between what has being taught to him and his intuition
but he goes for it, he follows auryn, he lets auryn guide him toward the center of his creative energy, and there he is allowed to recreate the whole world of fantasia, simply by wishing for everything he ever wanted, and it will happen
and first thing he does is come back to reality to kick some butt
but falcor isnt real on the outside world, he is a representation of bastien new found inner strength,
as the library guy told bastien "why didnt you punch then in the nose" and bastien answer that he does not know why
he does not know why because he didnt knew what he was fighting for
and then he knew, he was fighting for the survival of a whole kingdom, or queendom called fantasia

but that world wasnt only his world, fantasia was the world of man, and as mork said :

G'mork: If you come any closer, I will rip you to shreds.
Atreyu: Who are you?
G'mork: I am G'mork. And you, whoever you are, can have the honor of being my last victim.
Atreyu: I will not die easily. I am a warrior!
G'mork: Ha! Brave warrior, then fight the Nothing.
Atreyu: But I can't! I can't get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia!
[G'mork laughs and Atreyu gets a little angry]
Atreyu: What's so funny about that?
G'mork: Fantasia has no boundaries.
[laughs]
Atreyu: That's not true! You're lying.
G'mork: Foolish boy. Don't you know anything about Fantasia? It's the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.
Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?
G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
G'mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!
Atreyu: Who are you, really?
G'mork: I am the servant of the power behind the Nothing. I was sent to kill the only one who could have stopped the Nothing. I lost him in the Swamps of Sadness. His name... was Atreyu.
[the ground shakes again and Atreyu is knocked down. He grabs a knife shaped piece of broken stone and stands up, ready to fight]
Atreyu: If we're about to die anyway, I'd rather die fighting! Come for me, G'mork! *I* am Atreyu!

that sure was pretty deep stuff to include in a kids movie...
its talking about the world we live in where people are easily manipulated because they loose connection with a part of themself, a part where they are the center stage to the story, a part where they are the hero, the main character, the protagonist
a part where their well being is essential to the well being of others (and others to yours)
a world where you cant blindly follow what you are told but you need to follow your intuition, there is a light inside your heart, and that grain of sand can save the whole world
and no one but you has a monopoly on that

and that made me fell good as a kid, i was riding falcor
it wasnt any dragon, it was a luck dragon
it was the possibility that any dreams could come true
it wasnt that they would come true, it was the possibility that they could, that if you would not die of depression in the swamp of your own sadness that you could make it, that life would or could find a way

so i was a kid living in a world where people had lost hope, where they had lost faith in themself and thats why the adult world felt wrong, it was all explained through metaphor inside that movie
that movie brought a way to connect with myself, with reality, that i did not find elsewhere
tho at that time i had no clue about all of this, it simply was my favorite movie and thats about it
its later on that ive realized how much of who ive became has being a direct influence on what a part of myself saw in there, a part of me ended up modeling myself in regards to what has being felt as the true meaning of it all

some people will say as a joke that the movie was a false publicity because the movie does have a end but it aint call the neverending movie and the book its based on isnt called the neverending book
its call the never ending story because as much as bastien transpose himself into atreyu you do too, you transpose yourself inside a made up story that becomes yours because you put yourself in there the same way bastien did out of himself in fantasia
but then fantasia is telling bastien that it has no boundary but its talking to you too, the book is saying this story in this book is the story of your own life in your own real world, but then bastiens real world isnt real from your perspective, its a fantasy story, its just a movie,
when the movie ends it ends with a quote they keep repeating in the book where they start talking about some other stuff until not to loose track of the main story they close it down saying "but thats another story", because thats someone else story, but all those stories are connected, they all make up what fantasia is
and the story of bastien become someone else story because you are suppose to have realized that the story is now about you, thats its your story, that you never left your seat,
it was about you watching a movie about bastien reading a book about atreyu saving the world that became bastien that became you
and then you are suppose to go out and continue that story that was yours, you need to start creating your own world, a world you were already creating

so the story is never ending

Like the title says I suck at tapering, I'm bored, utterly utterly bored of my life and of taking pills, Ive know for quite some time that I have a few screws missing so that might have contributed to both the dependance and now my decision to go cold turkey from taking benzos.

I am even sick of hearing the word 'benzodiazepine' Yes I am sure they can be/ are useful but not for me anymore ...

Ive said before I am going cold turkey and never actually managed it so hence I am destroying my stash and toughing it out...

If I have a seizure or something I honestly dont really care, I often wonder why I get myself into these situations and one of the main factors is how impulsive I am and seem to lack the foresight to see what my actions will lead to... anyway enough about that for now... This is my first blog entry on here and it feels kinda weird

anyway team, hardcore withdrawl here we come! this is gunna make the rugby final fun..

My new schedule has been fucking me up. Perhaps a more accurate statement would be that my unwillingness to be responsible and change my routine in order to adapt to the new schedule has been fucking me up.

I hate these thoughts, man. I fucking HATE them. It always gets like this, I get tired and I get fucked in the head with real bad shit. I get hungry, same thing happens.

Its difficult to determine if the things and motives happening around me are real or just my fucked up, fantastical thoughts.

It bothers me that my default 'escape' no longer centers on getting high (I haven't used drugs in over a year). Now my default response is fantasy. I fantasize about taking myself out or I fantasize about hurting myself.

I fucking hate it. I know if I can get some sleep that these thoughts will start to go away but the more I think, the less I can sleep.

It'll pass and its entirely my fault that I'm like this. Just gotta man the fuck up I suppose

Muammar Gaddafi
Kim Jong Il
Viktor Bout
Barack Obama

it's not.

Somethings are crazy about being me. Everyday is an internal struggle with things that, oddly, seem to be constantly coming at me from the outside. My experiences sound very similar to paranoid schizophrenia. Though, usually, when your a paranoid schizophrenic, all your friends and the people around you don't usually bear witness to the cross of your hallucinations and delusions. I guess they may see it, see it in you..People must be effected by your thoughts and their resultant actions..Crazy or not. But this is ironic..Its ironic to have your paranoid delusions scare other people, for them to see it too and agree and be worried by it. This is quite the burden at times. A lesser man might not be quite so well adjusted..I told a friend of mine recently, that if I'm mad, I'd be like the guy from a beautiful mind. Battling the demons of his insanity, solving his problems..And more. If anything, I aspire to have these hallucinations and delusions become something more positive, to be a facilitation of my reality rather than a destructive interference. I look at it like a reality over-lay. Ideally, it should help, not hurt. So this is my goal.

Last night, I decided to get drunk with some friends. I'm a psychospiritual mess. Evidently people of like mind cluster around me, at that. A friend of mine, one I believe who has tried to harm me magickally, was with us this night. I made my peace with him, I believe, thought, not in words per se...And did some chakra and energy work while watching manswers with my friends. I live in a different reality than most, its true. But he's more in tune with my reality tunnel than some of the others.

Later another friend came by. Came to drink with us. Recently, I did some energy work on him. I have no idea at all what I'm doing, basically I was experimenting on him, it may have been a really bad idea. I sent my energy into his chakras, with the intention that he may become more aware of their locations and what they feel like. My energy is apparently powerful, I can't resist the urge to use it. He suffers depression, I've been trying to help him lately. Its my crazy shaman vibe going; though, there's an interesting dynamic here, an exchange is taking place. Evidently, either my charles manson vibe is hitting him..i've done shrooms with him, and I'm the man on shrooms, for some reason I turn into charles manson, brain wash people and shit, its really quite intense and scary the charisma and magickal vibe I give off in groups of people on shrooms..somehow convincing him of a cultish idea of energy and magickal powers...Or, somehow I've awakened something in him by doing this. He appears to have developed the power of energy vampirism.

While smoking pot with him and a friend, all hell broke loose. He began to use his new found awareness. It was not exactly positive energy. He leeched one of my friends and attempted to give it to me. He also tried leeching me, but, I gave him something bad. This was not the time for me to be involved in magickal duels. I had taken a klonopin, much smirnoff and smoked a blunt. Nevermind I can't seem to smoke pot anymore without having crazy spiritual visions and hallucinations. I feel like dark forces try to possess me and shit as well. Its not very fun. You'd think the klonopin would've helped me out as they often prescribe it for HPPD, of which, marijuana most certainly intensifies, if that is even what this is.

I didn't see any auras; but neither was I looking for them. I describe it like this; I did alot of shrooms, trying to get into contact with something, and something I did contact indeed. Call it madness if you want; call it a spiritual awakening if that makes you feel better. The insanity that I preach is worse than many's sanity. Its not fun. If you knew what I knew, you probably wouldn't like it either.

I've done alot of drugs. This is karmic here. They all came back to me at once. A sense of dissassociation and doom, very salvia like set upon me. Almost acid trip like, almost shroomy, and even almost DXM like, almost datura like even, all at once. This was not fun. I felt like I had taken a step out of the world. Out of body experience. I'd use this metaphor, I stepped back stage and had a talk with all the actors involved, who, taking the forms of my friends who were with me, told me I take in too much bad from everyone, and give so much. That I feel like I don't get anything in return, but I do and I am appreciated. Nice messages from persons claiming to be mostly evil; but they like me evidently.

I worried for a while I wouldn't come back..Stepping out of the world, I didn't feel like I was on earth anymore. I totally lost touch with this world. I ripped one of the posters off my wall, convinced it was charmed with an evil spell, and threw out my friends coat in a delirious state believing it to have some bad hoojoo as well. This was totally silly, and very not the shaman thing to do, I must be braver and stronger than this if I ever hope to survive the transition, even if I was really drunk, high and on klonpin, but then again, my friends eyes were glowing green and shit, and I felt like it wasn't really him. It may not have been, sometimes I feel a strong presence follows me around and is talking to me through others now. Its not fun.

I woke up this morning, dug through the trash of my building and found my boys coat; made right a terrible wrong I did while delirious under the influence of a variety of drugs, sick horrible flashbacks and perhaps even spiritual presences, probably bad ones. I may have got it bad, but my friends bore witness to this shit as well, so I'm not alone in this. This doesn't help. If I was just mad, I'd take drugs, talk to a therapist and hopefully feel better..But when everyone else sees it too. Well, what do you do?

not an hour goes by that i don't think about you....really.

So I was a week clean off benzos, and about 3 weeks sober, and tonight I gave up and drank a bottle of wine after I got home from a friend's wedding. This is the longest I've been clean and sober in a very long time, and it felt good but also scary and overwhelming and .... hard. Not having mind and emotion-numbing substances in my life is a new one. And tonight I just blocked every potential consequence from mind and decided to drink. I didn't even want alcohol. But it was the only available drug. At least it's somewhat numbing. Oh the good old days when alcohol was all it took to sooth me.

The other night I went into my desk drawer to look for a credit card. This was a drawer I put needles and bags in. Before I knew it I was searching frantically through all the drawers around my apartment and under the couch where maaaaaaaaaaaaybe by some miracle (curse) I had left a bag (yeah right). Of course I found nothing, and I ended the night frustrated and upset with myself.

In theory I really want to get clean. In actuality, I want to be a crazy addict locked up in some facility because I don't think what I want will ever come and the pain is just too much to deal with. I'm fairly numb right now but I wait for the numbness to wane and then the bomb will drop. Then what?

And my bottle of wine is almost done. Now what?