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GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Do to severe restrictions on my diet from food allergies and fructose malabsorption, I have decided to adopt a pure-hemp diet, for the most part. I will continue to take supplements, and chlorella and spirulina... but that's it.

I've now been on this diet for two days.

It's an adjustment.

I'm looking to meet new people, maybe some new hook-ups as well.

Just quit my job working for one of the largest media conglomerates in the world, or as I call it, the fourth largest propaganda machine in history. It was quite amazing, being on the inside of an ant farm, feeling the pulse of one of the most prolific corporate entities in the country, and experiencing first hand the effects of corporatism on the human psyche. I dont think my level of patience was adequate for any more time, I had experienced enough and learned what I wanted, and it was time to get focused on my life again.

I am a pretty crazy person. My life can be summed as a series of ongoing experiments to prove my near-infinite speculations and hypotheses about life true. I do a lot of things which make little sense to some, like put myself through seemingly agonizing experiences for no practical or tangibly beneficial reason. I just tend to value things most for their absolute value, as opposed to their subjective value. For instance, I love to let pure molly roll around on my tongue for a bit, sure it could be perceived as a rather wretched taste, but I see it as a deep analyzation of the molecular structure of the compound, and I respect it for its particular flavor. I can say I fully appreciate the agony which can be caused by internal injuries, its important to understand such states. I do see the benefits in have had a viral infection which nearly killed me at one point in my life, to know such physical weakness and incapacitation can only make tolerance of future suffering far easier. Life is best to be experienced naked! Likewise Ill often take my food raw and without any sort of marinade, spice, or flavoring, simply because I want to experience the molecular structure of the original organism's fruits as naked as possible. I like to brush up against things in a way that allows one to take in their most uninhibited vibrations, to experience its quantum vibrations in its most primitive state. My mind is so vastly analytical that most who know me close are often commenting on its benefits and drawbacks, and certainly attempt to capitalize on its ability to solve certain problems (and likewise "capitalize" on entertaining themselves on its ability to fail miserably at other certain problems as well). The end result is that nearly every single thing I do is motivated by some deep, seemingly insane, and complex experiment I am conducting to test the limits of reality.

I only say this to demonstrate fully that I mean no harm. I am an extremely non violent person, my sparring partners love to jeer at my lack of desire to really damage another person's body (and likewise my teacher often demands that I perceive all sparring situations as the potential end of the universe), and part of the reason I am an avid student of the martial arts is my disposition towards violence. I would rather create a machine out of my body which has the final say if violence will have to happen or not, than be a completely passive creature. But, as the pattern of my life seems to trend, I endure ungodly amounts of pain in such studies in order to become immutable by pain. Again, I always appear to be engaging in some sort of activity, event, or lifestyle, which seems as though I enjoy misery on the surface (actually it is quite enjoyable, but we stoics are a hard-to-predict bunch).

This most recent "career" choice is is exactly the same. I couldnt have hated this job more. However, there hardly could have better been a training ground for infiltration and espionage. The amount of data I managed to store in my head while spending my time inside this beast was unreal. I successfully manipulated all my colleagues and superiors into thinking I was something I wasnt, as well as passed myself off as a valuable, hard working asset, when in reality I managed to create a steady stream of counterproductive activity. My martial endeavors were appreciated to such a degree that I was even allowed to bring some of my weapons to work, should I need to hit class immediately after. Not that it was ever a threat to anyone of the 3,500+ Eichmanns slithering throughout the infrastructure of the Death Star, but if they knew the mind that was drifting amongst their drones, I doubt I would have been assigned such liberties.

What we have here in this day and age is a rather grand conspiracy (!!! there! I said it! the "C" word. It really deserves no such introductions, it merely implies that more than one mind has gathered to plan something to your detriment but their benefit, no need for anymore a stigma than this). This conspiracy was engineered in the 1920s, and there is no theory about it, but merely a long trail of well connected facts. This conspiracy is only grand in so far as it has successfully manipulated its target into ignoring it. Disbelief is not even a threat so much as inaction. That being said, its a rather paltry conspiracy, and not so smoothly executed as inertia is relieved as soon as one becomes willing to drop out of its system.

We're being attacked on all fronts. We exist to promote a self destructive machination of greed, a clever yet infinitesimal fraction of human beings ability to reap life of its resources and consume them before the clock runs out. It is enslaving its host by means of casual yet methodical manipulation of the deepest recesses of the psyche, by means of poisoning its host into a state of sedation and enervation, and by means of creating a falsified perspective on the world and its network of always-interconnected events. One has no real obligation to care so much about such a predicament's moral connotations, but one should certainly be offended and have a desire to defend one's power to choose fate for one's self.

The real problem is that Nature is a stoic as well. Nature has no desire except "to do, to be." Life is extremely, extremely difficult to exterminate outright. The history of life on this planet shows this readily, that life is inevitable, however fragile in its advanced structures, will never disappear. Its major constituents can form int he most harshest environments of the Universe imaginable, and so long as there is Chi in the Universe, there will be life. Nature cares not how life takes its forms, only that life takes form. To understand this, is to know that the ultimate goal of any organism is to seek complete harmony with Nature. Why is it not then obvious to tell that a self destructive, exploitative, and disharmonious union with the Universe, with God, is to deny this inevitable gift we call life? We aim to surrender our current position at top of the food chain, and to reset this current iteration of life's code to allow the advancement of life to continue from its most primal origins once more. It has happened many times, life has reset to its most fundamental organisms, only to grow again into majestic, finely engineered, and continuously revised multicellular species. We are the first with the ability to choose! Why choose to die? Why choose to spend your energies denying the gift of life, to seek one's death, and to seek death for all other advanced life in the process? Why actively choose separation from God?


Our bodies are being poisoned by the very things which once created life. Our air is, every day, having more and more 'foreign' particulate matter purposely added to it by members of society with no fundamental understanding of meteorology, the dynamics of electro magnetism, or regard for future effects, in order to accomplish such proposed ideas as deflection of life-giving energy from the sun, and increased potentiality of weather modification weapons. Our oceans and seas are well underway to becoming completely inhospitable to life, the general public barely aware of the magnitude of pollutants being dumped into the oceans every day, sometimes intentional, sometimes wantonly. I personally believe the vast majority of sealife has become inedible by humans, due to its levels of heavy metals and other biomagnified pollution. Our lands are radioactive, our grasses and other sources of food for animal life are all become a source for vectors of biomagnified radiation poisoning. Toxic metals are able to be found in nearly all vegetative matter throughout the world, which often renders such notions as "organic" rather null. Our food comes from genetically altered organisms foreign to the evolutionary history of the Universe's grand devices, and is pushed by agendas that have no interest in health or nourishment. We rape our Earth and demand it provides us with satisfaction, while Nature bemoans our occupation and begins to plan its next grand products, as our exit is quickly arriving on the horizon.

When we cant rape our Earth we rape each other. What a malignant entity human beings are! Their migration throughout this planet yields nothing but extinction, and nothing but refusal to accept the pattern of life laid out by Nature's law. So foolish humans are, believing their several-hundred-thousand rotations about the sun have any significance to the billions upon billions performed by the Universe's handywork, and to believe they are engaging in some process they call "progress." We spend all of our energies killing each other, our governments, our establishments, our most complex and well engineered systems for sustaining society are all designed for the purpose of destroying human life. What a living contradiction!

TO BE CON'T HERE...

I woke around sunrise to the sound of an unfamiliar bird call. I looked out the bedroom window to see a family of Gambel's quail perched along the rail fence like barnyard fowl, the babies much like baby chicks, the mother with the one coquetish plume curled out from the top of her head and bobbing before her eyes. The chicks seem very young for this late in the year. Maybe this is her 2nd brood.

<img src="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Callipepla_gambelii_-Tuscon,_Arizona,_USA_-adults_and_chicks-8.jpg"/>

The other day, I startled a grouse in the yard off the stoop. Also, elk, mule deer, cougars, and coyotes can be found here. Even after a few months, their calls still seem strange to me. Their unfamiliarity makes one more aware of these creatures.

The coyotes' are the strangest. There is one coyote who whose weird howls can be heard every few nights. It sounds like the screams of a woman being tortured. The screams alternate with what sounds like insane laughter. And it is often close. Maybe as close as the barn. I've gone out there with my night-vision goggles to try to spot it but have had no luck.

The small yard area surrounding the cabin is like a golf course. It is full of ground squirrel/gopher holes. Not that there is any grass growing in it, but still the holes are annoying.

Later this afternoon, I looked up from a novel I have been reading and watched an insect drowning in a jar of drinking water I had set on the ground in the shadow of the house beside my bench. Its 6 legs thrashed around futilely.

After a few moments, my gf came outside and was very upset. She had heard an animal squeaking in distress. I had been so absorbed in watching the drowning insect that I hadn’t noticed. Just then her feline Eloise, a brown tabby with a white chin, bib, and socks, appeared from behind a brush pile with something dangling from her mouth. As she approached, I could see that it was one of those ground squirrels that has been digging up the yard. It was already dead when she dropped it at our feet. She looked up at us and purred happily. I have rarely seen her look so pleased. Sunshine sparkled off the bright trickle of blood on her white chin.

I've been thinking a lot about sustainable living lately. Along those lines, an idea popped into my head at that instant. In the spirit of living off the land and not being wasteful, what if I were to feed the squirrel to Eloise cat? Until now, my girlfriend has had me take away the tiny bodies of Eloise’s kills and had me bury them. Eloise has been very active this summer, and now there is a small graveyard full of the small graves on the other side of the brush pile. That’s a lot of meat going to waste. And it was her kill, and it only seems fair that she be allowed to enjoy it. This would also help replace the store cat-food we feed her. We would have to cook it first to kill any parasites or diseases. I glanced at my girlfriend who was still staring horrified at the poor dead creature. She is a vegetarian, but sometimes she will eat fish. I debated this inside my head for a moment.

I shared my thoughts: “In the spirit of living off the land and not being wasteful…..”

My gf looked even more distressed and went back inside. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I won't bother trying to get her to let me use her frying pan. I will use the aluminum pan from my mess kit that I took backpacking. After she went inside I went around the corner of the house where she couldn’t see me and got to work.

As I skinned it with my hunting knife, it stank with a ratty musk. That was a strong smell for such a tiny carcass. I would have to be nearly starving before I would eat sometihng that nasty. But cats might not care. By the time I was halfway through, it had drawn a swarm of flies, yellow jackets, and hornets. I eventually removed the skin still intact. I scraped the skin, put salt on it to preserve it, stretched it out and tacked it to a fence post to dry. Maybe I will be able to tan it and sew it into a little fur collar for Eloise to wear. Eloise cat would look handsome in it. Or I will make it into a small cat toy and stuff it with catnip. She loves catnip.

Then I filleted the carcass producing 4 tiny ground squirrel fillets. I put them in a RubberMaid container and put that in the propane-powered refrigerator (Carnot cycle) while I decide what to do with the meat.

generally when ever i leave seattle, i post about what i like about it here. come january, it will be two years since i moved out. the thing that keeps me coming back here is the group of friends of i have. they are all rather introverted and i don't feel weird sitting around the apartment while we all play with our computers. maybe its weird that my friends here bring computers when they come to socialize?

last weekend, i was hanging out with some more extroverted people. the one guy drove me nuts because he would not shut up. he was busy chatting and asking a zillion questions. i find this slightly disconcerting but i think it highlights the different dynamics. our mutual friend, and his other friends, were also rather chatty.

i am not really sure where this post is going. i just figured i should post something cause i haven't made any public posts recently.

In certain ways, i'm much more strong than ever before. Yet it's that 1 elusive thing that occupies my mind the most. Am I ever going to meet another TF? =...(

Because I guarantee 99.9% of people won't agree with me on this. And that's fine, I'm used to being opposed regarding this issue. But if you feel the need to comment, be intelligent and mature about it please. I support Martial Law - that's what this is about. So if that upsets you, stop reading this now. I can already guarantee that you're not going to like what I'm going to be saying. SO now that's out of the way, I need to get this off of my chest.
I am straight up disgusted by the way many Americans are acting these days. We have it good here, far better than most countries... still, people want more. Take the Occupy Wall Street bullshit (yes, that's what it is - BULLSHIT). People are out there complaining about the money politicians and CEO's of Fortune 500 companies make... while they use those same companies' products. While they listen to music, watch movies, support celebrities who get paid even more than what these CEO's and politicians do. Let's see. Running an entire country/business vs. pretending to be someone else in front of a camera, getting drunk on camera (ahem Jersey Shore), playing music in front of live audiences, having the whole world in love with you. Who deserves the money more? I'd say the ones who worked their asses off to get where they are - not the people who happened to luck out one day and be discovered. If you want to protest how much money certain American citizens are making, stop going to the movies and listening to music. Common sense.

If politicians and CEO's of Fortune 500 companies get paid more and are taking our tax dollars, so the fuck what? Are WE running an entire country? No, we're not. And if taxes are really that detrimental to your life, you need to find a better job, or learn to adapt. Politicians and CEO's of Fortune 500 companies deserve every penny they get. They worked their asses off for it.

The ironic part is that all of these people protesting, wouldn't be if they were in the shoes of those politicians and CEO's. Because people are lazy sheep. They'd rather call for a revolution and bring America to the brink of a civil war... as if we're not going through enough already... than to get off their asses, go to school, find a good job, and make their money back. None of that is impossible. For ANYBODY. And why is that possible for everyone? Because the GOVERNMENT is KIND enough to provide social programs to assist even the poorest of people, even homeless people, to HELP them with that stuff. But people aren't happy with that. They want more.

So they go out and clog up entire cities, then cry when police officers DO THEIR JOBS. "Boo hoo, someone got maced." WELP. Cry me a fucking river. That someone shouldn't have been in the middle of the street disrupting the peace then! If you can't handle being maced, tasered, or beaten by police officers... well, don't reap what you can't sow. That's all I have to say. Common sense. You know the consequences of starting riots like these; I don't want to hear anybody crying when it happens to them.

That is what disgusts me about Americans. There's more. But it would take too long to write. And this is where Martial Law comes in. In my opinion, it NEEDS to happen. The laziness, the ungratefulness, the complete and utter BLINDNESS to how much our government actually does for us in comparison to other countries... who are SO much worse off... it's all just gotten out of hand. People are fucking burning flags and shit.

Honestly, I just want order to be restored. I want people to be put in their place and get a reality check. People complain about what they have now and how horrible our government treats us (which is a fucking joke). If Martial Law was utilized... if Obama would be smart JUST THIS ONCE and make that decision... people would be absolutely BEGGING for things to go back to the way they are now. Let's take away ALL of our rights for a while... we'll see how much people complain about the way things are right now then. Sometimes that's what it takes. Sometimes in order for someone to realize what they have, you have to take it all away. It's extreme, but when it gets this out of hand... fuck, I'm sorry, but SOMETHING needs to be done.

I'm not going to lie. I used to be one of the many sheep in the masses before I joined the military. I took shit for granted too. Had I not actually lived under military rule myself, I'd probably be out there with a sign too, just going with other citizens say instead of looking at the facts and accepting things for the way they are. I'd still be a sheep. Which is why it's just absolutely insane to me that there are actually military personnel out there in those crowds.

I can't even begin to explain how much being in the military opened my eyes up to things. Especially during boot camp. Damn, did I realize how much I took for granted. Not just the little things, like family and candy bars. But the big things too, the "rights" people are fighting to "get back" on Wall Street right now... like being able to speak whenever you want and say whatever you want. Like having privacy. Like being able to read your own mail. Like having the freedom to go where you want, whenever you want. Like not having a curfew. Things like that.

And even major things. I'll tell you something personal just to get my point across, because that's how important this issue is to me. While I was in, I was raped by one of the Drill Instructors that lived in my barracks. When I tried to turn him in, I was told to shut up and not say anything, and then I was NJP'ed for making a "false official statement". I wasn't lying. I really was raped. My consequence for trying to get help for myself? Two days on restriction, where I was only allowed to eat bread and water and I could not go anywhere... I couldn't step foot outside of my barracks room... and my pay was taken away for two months. Yes, my entire paycheck. No, I was not reimbursed for any of it.

Once that shit happens to you, you appreciate what you have. Like I said, sometimes it all needs to be taken away in order for you to see what's already right in front of you.

And that's what I assume Martial Law will be like... the same thing as being in the military. We'll have a curfew, we will NOT have the right to say what we want whenever we want to say it, or go where we want whenever we want to go there. Our mail will be monitered by the federal government. People will constantly be afraid of being killed or punished, constantly on edge. Exactly like the military. Fine with me - fear instills discipline. I guarantee you if the government handed over the reigns to the military for a year, Americans would come out of it with a whole different view on their country. They might finally start appreciating the things our government DOES provide for us. They might finally start appreciating the products those Fortune 500 companies' produce. The reason they're Fortune 500 companies to begin with is because people need their products, and so everyone buys them. And yet... people are protesting the companies that produce those same products they use on a daily basis? Why? Where is the logic in that?

I'm more afraid of other American citizens these days than I am of the government. Why? Because this Wall Street business is really getting out of hand... revolutionaries are starting to crawl out of the woodwork and organize movements that are not so peaceful. The protestors themselves are starting to get violent. They're even taking the protest to other countries, which I honestly do not understand at all for the life of me. They don't realize that the government doesn't care. This protest is not going to get anyone what they want. It's going to get Martial Law put into effect, and if it continues the way it is now, it's going to get people killed. Because if Martial Law IS put into effect as a result of this (praying to God that it is), people will blame the government. They'll say the government is out to get us. They won't look at what they've done and realize that THEIR OWN ACTIONS are the cause of anything.

So you see... Americans these days are ruthless. They're quick to point the finger at everyone but themselves. And hey, it's no one's fault but your own if you either A.) didn't vote, or B.) you voted for the wrong candidate for the wrong reasons. (*cough*votingforObamajustbecausehe'sblack*cough*). And that is why this shit scares me. American citizens are causing this country to fall to pieces. NOT the government.

America is in a very deep sleep right now. It's sad. And it sucks, because it's not like there's an anti-Occupy Wall Street movement. So what are people like me supposed to do? Except for write blogs and talk to people who won't listen. People think my way of thinking is the wrong way, the violent way. It's ridiculous. My way of thinking doesn't fight back unless provoked first... and I mean severely provoked. Poked at and prodded at until there is absolutely no other choice left. All I can do is sit on the sidelines and try to get people to wake up and see what they're doing... and wait for my side to start fighting back.

Someday, we aren't going to be able to write these kinds of blogs. I don't know if it will happen tomorrow, or next month, or a few decades from now... but Martial Law IS going to be utilized on a national level at some point. And it won't be the government's fault, it won't be because the government is out to get us or wants to kill us all off like some conspiracy theorists think. It will be because of the actions of AMERICAN CITIZENS... NOT the American government.

Honestly, I just hope people will keep these things in mind when it does happen... and that I'm alive to see it.

being dope sick sucks, the worst part for me has Always been my inability to sleep due to RLS which eventually takes over my entire body, prohibiting me from getting what little reprieve i could by sleeping till i got what i needed. this week my dr prescribed me sine met (carbidopa/levodopa), holly jeez, this shit is a miracle drug. i took it and with in 30 minutes the god awful unrelenting twitching , jerking feeling that NOTHING would relieve was gone. it was amazing. that and 2 mg of Xanax allowed me to sleep for, jeez, like 14 hours. i have never been able to do that before. just though i'd share peace &

Down the hatch, up the nose.

It's 7pm -- so I really should get everything I need to get done, done. While it still lasts. Because I am going to be useless the next few days.

I have 5mg of suboxone which will hopefully smooth the landing. Although I've been using at least 150mg of oxycodone per day since the 1st. Now I am pretty much out of money and have to wait till I get more money or find a job once again.

I wish I could control my usage... but it never works out that way. I want to try an NA meeting but it really doesn't appeal to me. I know everyone has awful stories about how badly their use of drugs has affected them.

Oh well. If I could get my hands on some pot that would be great. I have 7mg of xanax and all the clonazepam one could want. I have some loperamide. I have alcohol and benadryl and seroquel and flexeril. Maybe that will help with the RLS. Unless my girlfriend threw them away. I told her not to. Oh well. I've been a terrible girlfriend for a long time now so what's the point? I love her so much and I know she loves me but she deserves so much better than me.

Yay withdrawals!

And it's not like I'd know where to go buy illegal stuff! But I've been feeling very nostalgic for Djarums lately.

Just the thought of the smell of a Djarum Black brings me back to high school, 2003/4ish. The delightful taste of clove cigarettes... like a Christmas ham and an after-sex smoke.

The beautiful black paper they were rolled in. The sugary sweet filtered tip. The red and black box that held the cigarettes in 2 rows of ten cigarettes. Quality stuff, in my 17 year old opinion. I haven't had a clove in 8 years but I do think I would still enjoy them.



Cloves were $10/pack. This was in New York City, Manhattan, 2003/4 prices so that was still expensive. Marlboro Menthol Lights were probably $7. But they were definitely worth the splurge.

Yes, I was one of those assholes who perfumed entire city blocks with the smell of clove cigarettes. Sometimes I'd catch a whiff of clove and follow the scent wherever it led me. I had a lot of time on my hands, really. Or else it could have been the cocaine. Cocaine takes you on strange journeys.

I could make a pack of cloves last 20 days. All I needed was one cigarette a day. They were incredibly harsh. People who I knew smoked a pack of cloves a day typically didn't have the easiest time breathing.

One time the Dean of Security took me to his office after I smoked a clove and asked me if I was stoned. Because of the smell. My mom thought they were pot too. Some lame NYU chicks asked me and one of my friends if they were "those special herbal cigarettes" and I was like, "Uhhh, suuuure..." and gave them one. I thought about it and later realized they thought I gave them a joint. HAHAHAHAHA. That's funny. Like I'm the fucking joint fairy or something.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at the party where the power of placebo got these skanky bitches living off of daddy's money "high". Hahahaha.

Anyway, I am debating whether or not I should snort more oxy. And then whether to snort -codone or -morphone. This shit is fucking crazy.

Ohh, if you used to smoke cloves please share your stories and love or even hate if you hate 'em. Free speech and all that shit.

My son for the past week has had pupils the size of saucers, like he's tripping on something. He's not been on meds and no head injury. His pupils are just HUGE. Its freaky and at times I can't help but chuckle.

LOL.

I'm gonna look into it but I just find it weird. They've been that way since a couple days before thanksgiving (October 10th).

Freaky....

Oh and the above picture is the smallest it was all that weekend, normally there's just a sliver of blue.

This is the initial post for testing the duplication issue.

It’s Funny how I saved this photograph I found on someones tumblr a while back. I just knew one day I would want to reflect on this photo and its contents. When I initially saw it I couldn’t agree more. Now when I look at it in retrospect I still think it’s hilarious but also complete bogus. First off, nothing is impossible. Secondly, when having a very optimistic outlook on life this picture is counterproductive towards everything I currently stand for. I think when I first viewed this photograph it just instantly brought back memories of a darker era in my previous fuck up stage of life. However, at the same time was someway relevant to the current status of my life now. In this photo everything correlates to drug usage. The only reason why I feel that I could relate to this photo now is simply by the adding of ‘fattening’ and ‘expensive’. That I can relate to because for some odd reason, I chose the most expensive hobbies to get into. I couldn’t just pick up a skateboard and skate around town spending $100 or less. I chose photography. FUCKING expensive hobby and I was really not ready for the reality slap of how expensive parts for cameras could accumulate to. After photography I chose another FUCKING expensive hobby which is bicycling. I don’t know if Lance Armstrong had anything to do with my decision however the suspension of my California Drivers License was the reason why I picked up this hobby. Well, back to the reason why I feel that this photo is basically directed towards drug usage and drug users. “Everything I like is either ILLEGAL, IMMORAL, fattening, ADDICTIVE, expensive, or IMPOSSIBLE.” Drugs are illegal, immoral, fattening(munchies), addictive(duh), expensive(hell fucking yes), impossible(to get sometimes).

I look at this photo and I just grin cynically. I know what that path looks/feels like and it’s a path I am far, FAR away from ever stepping foot in again. Whether it is marijuana, E, or whatever an individual is using this photo just describes a drug addict. Earlier in my post I mentioned that nothing is impossible. Cliche? fuck you, move aside. I’ll just end this rant with stay optimistic, kind, and humble. Keep your eye on the prize and that prize could differ for every individual and change throughout time. Me specifically, becoming a Multimillionaire before 30 is my ultimate life goal. When I become a multimillionaire everything I like will not be illegal, immoral, addictive, or impossible; everything will be within ‘reach’. Happiness is awaiting me.

I found this several weeks ago in town:

Sorry for the image being horribly out of focus. That's the best my digital point-and-shoot will do for something that close to the lens. The fuzzy hairs on the stem don't show up, but they were there, especially near the pod. The cap doesn't really point up in a cup shape but is more flat across. The pod about as wide across as a quarter.
It had already been dry for several weeks when I picked it.

At the time, I was convinced that it was a papaver somniferum pod, but now I doubt it. I picked several and brewed tea from them, but other than burning the back of my throat, they had no effect. So I was wondering if anyone (Rach?) can identify it.

You know, I'm a nice guy, I stay to myself for the most part, I try to when I can. I show great respect for others and authority.Yet asking a simple question in a forum that encourages questions, complaints and what have you to the BL staff was met with answers calling me arrogant for having asked my question in the first plachelpe. Told pretty much to go stick it as my request would require too much work and an over all feeling that I had some set of balls to have even asked my question in the first place.

You know yesterday all I could do was praise BL because I felt like it was a community where we all could come together on common ground, with common issues, and common challenges. Now today I feel as though I'm an out cast banished back to my place of hell in which I have tried for years now to get out of and finally feel like a useful part of society. Perhaps I am taking the responses a little to rough, but I say deal with it. I have the right to speak my mind and and be that better man then I was. Whatever the case, I think I will find myself keeping it quiet around here for a while now. I will not speak unless spoken too, and I will not involve myself in anyone else's issues. Hopefully this will keep me out of trouble.

Peace out for now......

we headed out at about noon, the car packed and waiting with a rusty bumper and two dents, one to match the other. he had carried me mile upon crazed mile, drifting through space and time with the grin of mechanic slyness. the only ropes with this one was age. clairence would soon sputter dry and i could either take it easy on him or ride the fucker until it screams death, so naturally i chose the latter.
we stopped to load up on gas and alcoholic beverages pleasing to all senses at the local kroger off the interstate. mountains of people littered the place giving me the wort kind of creeps so i stayed behind and reflected about the time to come. northbound and ready for the type of laughter that splits the neck with vise scripts and a neatly polished crowbar from uncle john's locked cabinet. i was smiling at myself in the rear view mirror when my cohorts returned with crackling plastic bags weighed with various cargo for moonlit happenings.
delicious food can take camp pretty far. the steak flavor was still in my mouth when the trees started finding themselves. the woods is somewhere i feel especially at home and jesus was i home. i could taste the reality like star hinted memories crossing a blind side. the entirety of my hands on batteries was a realization i just could not handle. get the batteries in. but my fumbles were too heavy with entirely present dysfunction.
the silhouette of the leaves kaleidoscoped into copious amounts of repetitive patterns against the moon's huge ass face beaming down on the tiny me between rocks too huge to be just rocks. stars fastened themselves into glittering pops of reappearing light puzzles that were as fragile as milk crystals. my phone was alive...and all the time i had the blue and purple light in the second pocket of my bag.

Too many words on the the tip of my tongue and
I can never figure out
When to speak when to shout when to shut up
When to knock myself out

I need a brainwash
Gray-matter bath
I need the clutter all
Thrown in the trash
I need a brain wash, cause I'm a loon

So could ya please throw my head in a tub?
I could really use a cereberal scrub
Wash away what I know
It's an overrated frontal lobe

Expensive thrills
sexual perversity
are always filling my mind

Mixed with guilt
Cause of bombs over dresden
Are kinda bringing me down

I need a brainwash
Gray-matter bath
I need the clutter all
Thrown in the trash
I need a brain wash, cause I'm a loon

Cause Im a psycho-babble brain
A real life looney toon
A mixed up maniac, Im certifyable
So put me in a room right next to Nicholson
And give me thorazine Cause all I wanna do
Is sing traditional songs
But I like to sing in minor technologies
Not making sense
So could you please throw my head in a tub
I could really use a cereberal scrub
Wash away all I know
It's an over rated frontal lobe

& i guess i'll have to be fine too...but i'm not.

I’ve worked with this guy for about over a year now. He is very cute, muscles, blonde hair and he has that personality that everyone can get along with him. So funny. Him and I get along and we use to flirt constantly but then he asked out a co worker and then our scheduled got switched so I hardly saw him. But I guess just recently they broke up and well he was inviting me to this group thing with my work and I said sure and then so I gave him my number. And then he kept texting me all the time. He asked to hang out and I said yes and he asked me a bunch of questions about my sex life and I lied, I have no sex life. I am a virgin. Quite honestly I didn’t think it would matter whether I told the truth because he is leaving in December. But what I didn’t really expect that he was going to ask me to be friends with benefits. The weird thing is that I usually chicken out at every chance I get with a boy, if some one tries to hold my hands I feel uncomfortable and never talk to them again. Well I lied to him and he kept pressuring me, over and over. And I wanted to do it with him. But since I lied I didn’t want to. I ended up having my first kiss with him and he doesn’t even know. Since then he has only texted me twice “to hang out”. The thing is I am very self conscience about myself, because I am overweight and I am convinced I am not pretty. And I know he is just using me. But is it weird that I am actually considering to have sex with this guy that I hardly know? I feel almost I should tell him the truth, and go for it but then again maybe I should just not and wait for someone that I like and have actually have had a relationship with. What should I do?
If I did decide to go for it would he be mad that I lied cause I would have to tell the truth cause it would be a obvious fact. I also asked him if he would still be asking me this question if I was a virgin and he said yes. Also i am 18 by the way.

Was alright. I am on the last of my bud, it bums me out but I'm going to the dispensary tomorrow. I've recently taken up guitar and learning how to play knockin' on heavens door. Biking I have also discovered a passion for and it's great exercise. I went to the farmer's market today for the first time, they have great prices and the food is better than grocery store shit IMO. Oh and my garden is looking beautiful. Three bubba kush, five super lemon have, one white widow, one durban poison, one white russian, and one sweet deep grapefruit.




The sweet deep grapefruit is in the germination process (I just got it!). I also have a tomato plant, pepper plant, and baby carrots growing in there. I love pot so much! ha ha. I love that at when I started writing this I was sober and when I got to the end I smoked one bowl and got really high. DAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank

I've finished my month of hiking a segment of the Pacific Crest Trail in the Sierra Nevadas and have returned to the ranch in eastern Oregon. Actually, I've been back for a while, but only recently have I had the chance to get another laptop out of storage. It's a dusty Compaq Presario that's nearly 10 years old, but after a few days of compiling a linux kernel customized, stripped down, and streamlined for older hardware, I've now got a laptop that is as functional for basic tasks as any of the fancy new ones. The screen on the first laptop I had been using here died, and I hadn't gotten around to ordering the part to repair it. I've also been able to borrow the satellite modem again. All this is running on what is now 3 45 Watt solar panels and a bank of car batteries powered by the rapidly dwindling intervals of sunlight available as the days shorten and winter approaches.

Getting around by public transportation in the US, especially in rural areas, is more difficult than it seems like it should be in a rich and “developed” country. It involves long (as in waiting a couple of days for a bus or train and being stuck as I was in Portland for a day). I've read that 3rd world/developing countries often have better public transportation networks than what is available here. Here on the other hand, much of the public transportation infrastructure which included train service that was accessible from virtually anywhere in the country no matter how rural, was ripped up after WWII.

That said, the ride back from my hike was not too bad. After finishing at Mt. Whitney (that section was a zoo with so many other people (Southern Californians) hiking up the same route as myself), I caught a 4 am CREST bus at Lone Pine. The bus was already crowded at that hour and I felt lucky to get a seat. I got on near to the last. I was kind of worried about how I would smell. I say this after having worn the same clothes, th esame pants, underwear, shirt, shoes, and socks for around 1 month while doing very strenuous activity. I tried to keep from stinking by washing everything with stream or lake water and a drop of shampoo every few days. Except that I'm using a horse watering trough for bathing water, that's also how I'm staying clean here at the ranch.

I was to travel north on that bus to Reno, Nevada. But by the time the bus had reached Mammoth Lakes, about half way to Reno, I needed a break from the ride. After being relatively alone in the mountains for a month (more than 2 months counting the time in Eastern Oregon), it takes a while to get used to crowds. So I exited the bus, puttered around town, and then checked into a hostel.

After spending several hours in town (mostly reading, journaling, and drinking coffee), I started to feel as though I might be up for doing something social. So I joined up with some people at the hostel who were on their way to a party a local brewery was catering. Once there, I ate my fill of free grilled brautwurst, corn-on-the-cob and beer. This event was a very lucky find and was all very welcome after a month of eating powdered eggs, cliff bars, tuna packets, granola, cooscoos, tortillas. My diet wasn't quite that bad the whole time. I had often foraged when I wasn't busy trying to maintain my mileage. The tastiest foods I had on the hike included pine needles (You'd be surprised at what tastes good after eating powdered eggs day after day, and according to the GEM SAS Collin's Survival Guide, tea made from them is a rich source of vitamin C, a nutrient that I make sure to ingest regularly after a brush with scurvy as a college student), pine nuts, and an occasional fresh brook trout roasted in a piece of foil with wild onions, berries, various roots, tubers, and mushrooms (an edible species of Bolete was abundant along much of the trail) .

The next morning after the party, I rode the 8:30 bus to Reno, transferred to Sacramento, then transferred to an Amtrak train bound for Portland.

Train rides are sometimes their own unpredictable adventure. A ride can be fun as you talk to people and pass through sublimely beautiful landscapes, or it can be a Hell Ride. I think I recently blogged about a couple of really, really horrible train rides. Briefly, one time for example, a passenger (he had boarded in Sacramento) stood up, and in the space between his seat and the one in front, he pulled down his pants and simultaneously sprayed blasts of diarrhea and urine out of his body. The foul smell made staying in the car unbearable. Unfortunately, the train was crowded/booked solid and there were no available seats in other cars for me to retreat to. I had to sit there and endure the stench and ensuing nausea and burning sensation in my eyes.

And another time when my gf was riding Amtrak alone, some homeless people got on in Sacramento. Again, Sacramento. That city's train station borders the down town area which fro some reason attracts hordes of the homeless, drunks, and crack-heads. Sometimes they sneak on the trains without a ticket or the money to buy one. Anyway, one of them randomly walked up to her, accused her of stealing his bag of day-old bagels, and threatened to kill her, and then he assaulted another passenger. There was a police investigation that stopped the train for several hours because of that. He and some others were taken to jail.

Anyway, this train was full as usual. The conductor assigned me to a seat next to a very drunk and belching man of Mexican ethnicity who wore a thick black mustachio that made him look like Cheech Marin. Somebody whispered to me that he had been drinking since he got on in San Diego earlier that morning. It was now around 11:30 pm. He would occasionally wake up from his stupor belch, and make belligerent comments that didn't make sense. In one exchange, he was angry at me because I have the appearance of an Eastern European and he was mad because he thought I was a foreigner and that I couldn't speak English. This went on for a few minutes. Then he calmed down, said he was sorry, and gave me one of his beers.

Any way, I was thinking of the empty seat behind me, the very last seat in the back of the last car. Although it was the conductor's seat, I moved back there and started reading. Then, within a half hour, the conductor returned (it was her seat) and, despite my protest, made me move back with the drunk. But she promised to give me her seat after she made her rounds and went to the crew's quarters.

Within a half hour after that, a Medical Marijuana Guy who was sitting a few seats ahead of me started handing out hash brownies to some of the passengers who were still awake including myself. A scarfed down the brownie. It reminded me that I was still quite hungry from my hike. As though on cue, the conductor returned, put me back in th empty seat, and gifted my with a bag of barbequeud ribs which I really enjoyed.

I arrived in Portland the afternoon of the next day, too late to catch the bus to eastern Oregon. So I camped in the woods in Forest Park (a 10 mile long park that begins a couple of miles from the Amtrak station) while I waited for the bus that wouldn't leave for eastern Oregon until the afternoon of the day after. And finally made it back here.

Well first I figured I would start out with a few words about myself.

Im a 37 year old male, who is a recovering alcoholic. 2 years ago, my disease beat me to the ground when I was unknowingly sick with a severe kidney infection, and being chronically drunk I had no clue how sick I was until my kidneys shut down on my from lack of any medical treatment for the infection. This lead me to continue nievely still drinking to the point where my liver shut down and I was in full renal shut down. A good friend of mine noticed somethings were not right with me and drove 1 hour to my house scooped me up and took me to my local ER. I was completely jaundice, very lethargic and had sever hepatic encephalopathy. I was immediately admitted into the hospital and spent the next 2 months or so recovering in ICU. For those that know anything about a persons condition who is a few minutes short of being in a hepatic coma then you will understand that having an ammonia level of 187 is about 1 step short of death.

I have spent the last 2 years still recovering from what alcoholism has done to me mentally and physically. I now suffer physically from End Stage Liver disease, cirrhosis, and hepaticocellular disease (extremely enlarged liver and spleen) but I do not have viral hepatitis which is what usually causes the enlargement. I am still undergoing multiple tests to understand what is causing this swelling which does not usually coincide with cirrhosis, which cirrhosis by itself is not a painful disease, but I assure you I am in severe visceral pain from my liver, the pain is being caused by the hepaticocellular disease and my GI doctor is having me go for a full work up for the possibility of a liver transplant.

Due to the severe pain I am being treated by a pain management doctor, this due to all the pain medications I have been on and currently on have lead me to very many questions to which from doing many google searches have continually landed me here at bluelight.ru.

This site has been a godsend to me and a wealth of knowledge for practically every question I have ever had. For the ones I could not answer from searching, I decided to join the membership here and what a welcome surprise this has been. This is one of the best, most organized and well maintained forums sites I have ever had the pleasure of being a member of. This site has a lot of rules which can be alot for a new member, but these rules are in place for a good reason. Without these rules, this place could not be the site and wealth of knowledge it is today.

I would like it to be known how much I enjoy it here, and how much I respect these rules, the forums, and the excellent job all the mods do here to make this my favorite sites to come to, not to mention how much I learn by coming here.

All that having been said and for those that want to say that I'm trying to suck up to the mods or trying to gain brownie points for saying what I have about everything here, I say go to hell and find someone else to save that rhetoric for because you will be wasting it on the wrong person as I do not really care what you think of me for it. This site has been a great relief for me to have found somewhere that I can speak my mind and discuss topics with people with like problems and issues. A place where I can discuss pain medications with people with out being labeled a dope head, pill popper, or addict because of the meds that I am on. A place where your not judged because your taking pain meds, the list goes on and on.

So thanks Bluelight and keep it up, thanks for being there to listen, even if you don't always reply. Much respect (even though occasionally I have inadvertently broken some of the forums rules).

Peace out!

Respectfully,

Painenduser

Man, I can't even front: me having a job is a bad look. i understand that there has to be some balance between the good times and the bad, and I will admit that I'm all fucked up right now - I haven't changed my drawers in a week - but that last job really hurt my emotions. It made me realize that most people are cool, but the ones who are hoes are the ones who take all the time. And I was about to lose my temper waiting tables. Maybe I haven't lived in the suburbs long enough, but I don't like how these escapist yuppies walk around like every day is Christmas during a recession. And it's m responsibility to act like it's cool that I'm scrounging for tips? Hell no. The U.S.A. is a cocaine-consuming, war-mongering money washing center. I'll think outside of the box on this one.