Blogs

So I have this illustration blog, partly to help with my studies but also to help gather my thoughts and arrange them out in a way that makes logical sense. I thought I'd carry it over to bluelight, since some of you may take an interest in the sort of stuff I do and the different influences that inspire and motivate me. I've long since learnt that bluelight isn't just good for drugs. This forum has educated me in all manner of ways, and has broadened my fundamental understanding of the world, and of the people living within it. As a way of giving something back to bluelight, here is my small contribution:




(6/10/11) For now I’ll have to make do with typing to myself like a madman and leaving an illustration I made of one of my favourite men. As a side note, today I spent two and a half hours in a lift drawing the buttons as people crammed in and out, sharing snippets of conversation about LSD and phonetics. I love arty students. Perhaps one day I’ll stand in a lift and take notes of every conversation I hear, and publish them on a blog for budding eavesdroppers to devour.





(10/10/11) Here is an animation I created last year during my art foundation. Intended to be an imitation of a psychedelic trip, each frame was created on Photoshop and then animated on Final Cut. The entire project was very time consuming, and the quality of drawing reflects the size of the workload involved. I passed the animation module of the course with it though, thank god.

The Trip Project


Transforming a block of resin into a turtle. Actually didn’t take that long, only an hour or so of drawing. 18 frames total.

Resin Into Turtle


Amazing animation of an interview with John Lennon. The way in which the graphics morph and twist perfectly capture the meandering imagination of Lennon’s message, creating something that is simultaneously nonsensical and understandable. Insane, yet rational, whilst all the time beautifully flowing. Just brilliant on every level.

I Met The Walrus



(11/10/11) Observational drawing of a skeleton at the British Museum. Fine pen on cartridge paper.





(12/10/11) "Blood, Sweat and Tears"





(17/10/11) "The Hospital"





If any of you are interested in following my tumblr, the link is appetiteforillustration.tumblr.com

Iawoke with a phone call. A person who I had suspected of stealing a vast number of my prized possessions all in the hope of capturing a large bottle of vodka. A handle I wield on the weekends. He was offended.

If you give a mouse a cookie, pray he won't come back to steal the entire cookie jar.

The following voice mail was one of rage. "You better fucking apologize for framing me. I wouldn't steal your shit. If you want your bag back, you can come fucking get it."

As a benefactor to almost every party I go to, I stand ashamed to be the victim of such an offensive message.

Regardless, I would stumble upon my bag only hours later after he dropped it off. Avoiding direct contact with me was probably a wise choice. The bag did not have my vodka. And my advil was gone. Shame.

I fell asleep.

I awoke shaking. My body was quaking in fear. Anxiety; an irrational fear of improbable scenarios. If I was going to attend a party that night I would need alcohol.

My brain in its hypersensitve state was firing off mixed signals of expecting the worst, most traumatizing events to take place; the shame and guilt I had collected over the following days came rushing back into my veins, consuming my entire body and mind. My coordination was impaired, the very act of walking was as if I were being judged by thousands of critics,

Why am I afraid? I need alcohol now.

A shadowy, dimness gave the illusion of relaxation to the party. The fizzy carbonation tickled my throat as the 40 oz Mickeys slipped down the hatch. Within minutes I felt my body loosen, my thoughts clear and logical thinking returned.

"I am the most socially intelligent person I know. Out of all of my friends." An intoxicated close friend of mine claimed. This sparked a heavy debate over the true essence of communication.

"I believe there are many factors that go into social intelligence, as the mere act of being attractive can distract from the true mental and social capability of the person." I replied.

"I can look at someone and knowtheirproblem. No one else hasthis ability except for me." he continued to drunkenly speak, "You have anxiety. Iknow this, and I truly believe my friends and I have helped you come out of it."

Was it the truth...? No. I don't have anxiety in the traditional sense. My anxiety is sparked by use of substances. I have endured both forms of anxiety, both derived through traumatic experiences and anxiety developed from a chemical imbalance through the use of drugs. I have overcome both illnesses.

The girls came. Ages 18-20, they were the type of party girls who hold a respective distance from sexual promiscuity. I am forced to be flirtatious, regardless of my lack of sexual desires toward them.

Feed Me plays in the other room. I stop my conversation and quickly make way for the dance floor. My feet slip and slide across the tile as I practice a well maintained shuffling routine; although shallow to say, as unattractive people try to dance with me, I leave for the porch, blood still pumping, eyes wide open from the exhilarating effects of letting loose.

The party host, an attractive college aged girl and I held a long conversation about drug use. She was studying to become a substance abuse rehabilitation specialist. Needless to say, my views on harm reduction sparked her interest. Others attempted to join the conversation. We spoke at a level above most people. Their illogical bias was quickly washed out. Attempts by other guys to hook up with her was pointless. Fate had chosen me to make this connection. We shared a great conversation. In all honesty I prize these mind to mind connections over sex itself.

Blackness

My lips came in contact with an unknown face later that night as I sat in the room of a good friend. Through a drunken exploit and increased productivity due to intoxication, we came into the company of two fairly attractive girls.

I suddenly awoke on the sofa of my brother's room. For a brief moment my world continued to spin. It came to a stop. I was sober again.

Time to ride my bike. Time to plan the next adventure.

-Renz Envy

Yes... she has obtained her visa and is now floating around back where she belongs: the U.S.A. god, she would have been pissed had she seen me during her absence. Totally unemployed and defeated. Shooting smack, trashing our old apartment, spending every last dime on a never-ending buzz.

this is a responsible, strong girl we're talking about, too. I can tell she's not going to put up with the shenanigans anymore. and why should she? She's lost weight and as usual, has this authoritative attitude. My favorite thing she says is, "Who's driving the plane?"

I'm so concerned that I'm throwing her away, though. She really bites her tongue, but once in a while she gets pissed that I'm not scoring really high in life right now with all of the advantage I've been handed. She's so much more disciplined. she's so strong. She's exhibited a lot of patience with me, but I think it's almost over.

Because she's 31 now, I've decided that it might be better to just let her go. The biological clock is ticking and far be it from me to cheat someone out of their idea of what life should be by denying her children. She really just wants me to take charge, frequently saying that I should be more like North Korean president Kim Jong Il or Victor Bout. For some reason, this always gives me a raging erection and I black out and make her wear my mother's wedding dress before ravaging her.

I realized I use foreign languages a fair bit to destress... sometimes I will tell myself that I can only think about something I am worried about in french. I am not fluent altho I know it fairly well. But it forces my thoughts to slow down. i usually have to pause and think what word i want to use or think about what verb tense i should use.

I also imagine balloons floating into the air if I need to calm down. But I try to describe them to myself in danish. I started learning the language a few years ago and then got bored. But I remember color, size and number words. i try to focus only on the danish words and imagining the balloons without using english words.

Fnally, when I lived with vgoraz, he would talk to me in farsi if I was stressed and needed to relax. i told another friend this and she told her husband a night night story in farsi to help him sleep. she said it worked

I don't know if I ever talked about it on here, but yeah. I have a concussion. And the Post Traumatic Concussive Syndrome (or whatever it's called) symptoms have been in full force lately. It got so bad today that I had to put my head between my legs and literally fight to stay conscious, I was so fuckin dizzy. Had my mom take me to the ER, apparently I was slurring my words. I KNOW I couldn't type coherently worth shit, because I saw my status updates later and they looked like this:

Thzis iz miay sttus update

Literally. There would be one word or two spelled correctly, and the rest were just a hot mess. It's not that I can't understand what words I'm trying to say, it's that my vision gets so blurred ON TOP of having double vision that even when I go back and try to correct it, it comes back fucked up anyways. According to the doctor, this is going to happen a few times in the next week... hah. Something to look forward to: typing like a 2 year old.

I'm also on bed rest for the next week. There are like a gajillion things I'm not allowed to do until A) the week is over, or B) I go a full 24 hours without having ANY symptoms. I can't stand for more than 10 minutes at a time. I have to switch positions (whether I'm lying down sleeping, trying to stand up, sitting down, etc.) verrryyy slowly. I can't drink anything but healthy liquids. I can't drive. I can't do tasks that require a simple amount of concentration (even writing this blog is probably a no-no, but I'm bored so fuck it). I can't look at things that are very bright or that flash (I guess this is because you're more prone to seizures). I can't go out with friends. I can't talk for long periods of time... which sucks, because ever since I got this concussion, I have just been rambling on and on. Like really that's all I want to do - is talk, and ramble, and say every single random thought that comes to my head. I'm not allowed to work. I'm not allowed to be around any stressors. I'm not allowed to do ANYTHING really, except sit my happy ass down, take my synthetic opiates, and think.

And thinking is bad. I've had two people fuck me over... HARD... in the past day. People I was close to, and they were just straight up cruel to me, over things I honestly had no control over. So on top of having a concussion, I also lost two "friends" in the past 24 hours... well, one was a guy I liked... and I don't have anything else to do but sit here and go over it and over it in my head. And these were people I really cared about. It just hurts. I'd rather be out with my friends, not thinking about it, getting over it, you know? I don't feel like sitting here and thinking about it for an entire week is conducive to that.

I swear up until Friday morning when I got this concussion, my life was so great. Everything was perfect. Now everything is going to shit. I feel like I can't trust anyone if even my closest friends are going to betray me like that. I feel like no guy is ever going to like me for anything other than my looks. That dude's exact words were: "I was never into you, I never wanted to date you. I just said all that shit because I wanted to bang you." It's just depressing. I've given up hope on trusting anyone except my family. It makes me cry. I feel like that's all I've been doing lately - crying. And I am NOT a crier.

But this is the story of my life. I get handed something great, something amazing... or a few amazing things... only to have it ripped away from me in the worst way possible in a short amount of time. It's easier to deal with when I can go out and enjoy myself with friends. But it's fucking HARD when I literally have NO CHOICE but to sit here and just think... and think... and think. God, it just sucks. I can't even describe it.

I'm so depressed right now. Not clinically depressed, but yes, I am experiencing a temporary bout of depression. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, honestly. Wish I could go out and do something to get my mind off of it, but I can't...

Looks like it's just me, the internet, and dumbed-down books like See Spot Run for the next week. Fucking fuck my entire life.

i've made a couple of custom pages about how to do various things within blogs. i want to create another one explaining about moderating comments and one about blog subscriptions. is there anything else?

here is what i made so far, what do you guys think? i tried to make them as idiot proof as possible.

deleting an entry
how to change blog permissions
an overview of blog settings

<please read our guidelines and utilize the search engine. Thanks. -OverDone>

<we won't help you with that here - OverDone>

I found out that guy has a girlfriend tonight, they never broke up. I got on his case about it, and told him how much it hurt me? His response? To text me when I got home and rub it in my face. "We just had the best sex." "I hope you cant find love like me and her have one day." Tons of fucked up shit. HE hurt ME. Why did I deserve that?

I was a wreck, like that killed me. So I texted that other guy, J, the one I met in the military... my best friend, the one person who could put things into persepective and put me in check. He ignored me, of course.

So I texted P, the guy I was talking to before the douchebag in the first paragraph. Yeah, I broke ties with him, and at first he was like... yeah come over! But then he started ignoring me.

I have no one. People treat me like shit, no one cares that I'm dying inside right now. I just want to disappear. I have the most horrible, depressed feeling right now. It's honestly the worst emotional pain I've ever felt, just too many fucked up things in a row. I have no doubt that if there was a gun near me I'd use it.

I don't want sympathy. Or "things will get better"s. Empty words. I just wanted to vent. I don't care anymore, the fuck is the point of life...? To go through it, get hurt over and over, until you become an empty shell of a human. I want to die. I really do.

Anybody on here from north carolina or around it? Loved to get into the Southeast forums and blogs..

Thanks!

I'm fucking tired of it. I don't deserve it. One thing you should know about me, is that if a guy is treating me like a perfect gentleman, has that vibe I like, we have a good connection, and he's really sweet and generous towards me, I fall fast.

It's only been two weeks, but I was already starting to have feelings for him. And he acted like he felt the same way.

Found out today he has a girlfriend, then spent the next half hour talking about how happy he was that she came over last night (right after I left) until I finally couldn't take it anymore and interuppted him and said, "So are you going to smoke me out or what? Because if not, I'm leaving."

He said no because I have a concussion. BULLSHIT. We've smoked with three times since I have a concussion.

Other thing I realized is that the only reason he's been going out of his way to be nice to me and treat me that way is because he's using me for rides. I realized today that the only time we hang out is when he needs to go pick up (he doesn't have a car). Or wants a Xanax. Or needs a ride to work, or to a meeting. I don't care how long we spend afterwards cuddling and talking and connecting as well as we do; it's all a fucking act.

I left his house just now obviously bothered by something, he wanted me to stay and take a nap and fucking sleep on the floor. Um, no. First of all, I ALWAYS stay in his bed. Second of all, I just wasted a bunch of gas driving you at least 45 miles, and you can't even smoke me out? Some fucking friend, eh?

He knows I'm uspet about something, because he sent me at least 10 texts after I left. But he thinks I'm mad about the fact that he would smoke me out.

No, more about the fact that you've been using me for things. And that you have a girlfriend, all the while you were acting like you actually were starting to get interested... in fact, you started acting interested before I did, and that just makes it worse. And, yes, that you wouldn't smoke me out after all the things I've done for you.

My evil side (and some of my friends) are telling me to just ignore him. The logical part of me that says to do the right thing, is to tell him the truth about why I'm upset, then just leave it at that. Put him in check a bit, make him feel guilty (if that's even an emotion he posses), and then chuck up the deuces forever.

I'm just tired of being hurt... this is the third time in a motherfucking ROW.

I've been wathing the interest how each state has an agenda unique to their PMP since I was a little boy in New York. Back in the 1970's and 1980's New York had their Official New Yorsk Prescriptions provided as triplicates. Any Schedule II CS required a Doctor write you an RX on these pads. They snapped out two copies for you and kept one for their records. You took the original and a carbon copy to a Pharmacy where the Pharmacist kept the original and send the carbon copy to the NYS Department of Health. In 1989 NY placed all bezos in Schedule II so now you needed a triplicate for any benzo. I remember how this backfired. Doctors were avoiding being monitored by writting Rx for really bad stuff like barbituates, meprobamate, and cloral hydrate. SO NYS went to a single copy electronically transferred NYS Official RX for all schedules. It reduced that intimidation that those original triplicates caused and was a good public health move. NY is the Grandfather of RX monitoring beginning in 1972, but since 2005 almost every other state has implimented a PMP and with very serious consequences for anybody and their children who might be getting some Ritalin, Lortab, Adderall, Valium, stc.
While most northern states protect patient privacy and only allow Practitioners and Pharmacists to access the database other states have gievn any member of Law Enforcement unresticted access without any requirement but to verbally affirm an investigation.
If you read the documentation provided by Rx Sentry who provides the PMP infrastructure you will see that the claim by the DEA, Whitehouse and other persons of interest that it merely provides a way to check for Doctor shoppers you will be shocked at the softwares ability to develop a pattern of behavior from the time you leave you house until you take the Rx to te pharmacy. One function determines mileage and maps of your trip to the Doctors, a map and the mileage to the Pharmacy. It etermines how many different pharmacies you fill your RX and how many Doctors you are seeing. It determines every controlled substance you fill, tallies up the quantity, talllies up the number of days of medication and it compares your prescription amounts against other people in your county. It tracks dates and times the RX are filled and if you pay cash. It provides a screen with the Doctors who write the most number of prescriptions and the type of medication. Then it compares them to other Doctors in the county. It also determines the Pharmacies that fill the most prescriptions and each type of medication they fill. It provides the ability to generate a list of people and their medications who live close to Churches and schools. Finally it is set up so multiple states can connect their databases and watch for people who might fill their medications in two states.
I am sorry to see that with each state getting about $20,000,000 from the DEA this setup has costs over a billion dollars.
this 1 billion dollar experiement by the governemnt. Since prescription diversion is more of a crisis created by the government this billion dolllar invasion of privacy and law enforcement toy is going to tell us that 99% of the people listed are good law abiding citizens, 97% of Doctors are doing their job and %99.9999 of Pharmacists are a great addition to the police state of medicine, and the taxpayers don't even have to pay them.
I don't know what to make this post about except which states use their PMP for public health and nobody is going to get your records without a search warrent. New York is a great state since its PMP is there to help Doctors and Pharmacists verify a new patient isn't getting the same pills from a Doctor up the street. It's also run by the Department of Health. If you are tagged all the state will do is admit you to a recovery center.
As for you folks down south it's the police that use the PMP and its the Police that decide if you and your Doctor are practicing bad medicine. I was already spooked the day I walked into my Pharmacy and behind the counter a Police Officer was checking the monitor. Apparently not only can they get whatever they want from the state PMP they can also deamnd a Pharmacist allow them access to the pharmacy area and if told to do so, a list of any customers prescription history going back 3 years.
Asfor Pharmacist and Officer they were on a first name basis, they attnd the same Church and were talking about theupocming back sale. As my privacy was being trashed the two of tem agreed if the weather is nice next Sunday aftr Church they should go fishing.
As for me, I am seeing a way to remain under the radar. Thee are states that will not allow the use of a PMP, there are legitimate online Pharmacies located in states other than my own and there is the number one way. When family or friends no longer need their medciation ask them if you can have what's left. This whose system is a crock of shit and when parents get a visit from the police because th state PMP lists their 11 year old child as a person who just got a new Ritalin presciption and that the police are visiting all parents and wanting to question any children who take riitalin just maybe this system will be seen what is is truly for, marking innocent people as "persons of interest".

View attachment 10230 Let me know what you think of my Ex I have alot more to show if you want to see it. lol I want to Humilliate the hell out of him if you have any good Ideals, I'd love to hear them.

my ex's bare ass

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Do to severe restrictions on my diet from food allergies and fructose malabsorption, I have decided to adopt a pure-hemp diet, for the most part. I will continue to take supplements, and chlorella and spirulina... but that's it.

I've now been on this diet for two days.

It's an adjustment.

I'm looking to meet new people, maybe some new hook-ups as well.

Just quit my job working for one of the largest media conglomerates in the world, or as I call it, the fourth largest propaganda machine in history. It was quite amazing, being on the inside of an ant farm, feeling the pulse of one of the most prolific corporate entities in the country, and experiencing first hand the effects of corporatism on the human psyche. I dont think my level of patience was adequate for any more time, I had experienced enough and learned what I wanted, and it was time to get focused on my life again.

I am a pretty crazy person. My life can be summed as a series of ongoing experiments to prove my near-infinite speculations and hypotheses about life true. I do a lot of things which make little sense to some, like put myself through seemingly agonizing experiences for no practical or tangibly beneficial reason. I just tend to value things most for their absolute value, as opposed to their subjective value. For instance, I love to let pure molly roll around on my tongue for a bit, sure it could be perceived as a rather wretched taste, but I see it as a deep analyzation of the molecular structure of the compound, and I respect it for its particular flavor. I can say I fully appreciate the agony which can be caused by internal injuries, its important to understand such states. I do see the benefits in have had a viral infection which nearly killed me at one point in my life, to know such physical weakness and incapacitation can only make tolerance of future suffering far easier. Life is best to be experienced naked! Likewise Ill often take my food raw and without any sort of marinade, spice, or flavoring, simply because I want to experience the molecular structure of the original organism's fruits as naked as possible. I like to brush up against things in a way that allows one to take in their most uninhibited vibrations, to experience its quantum vibrations in its most primitive state. My mind is so vastly analytical that most who know me close are often commenting on its benefits and drawbacks, and certainly attempt to capitalize on its ability to solve certain problems (and likewise "capitalize" on entertaining themselves on its ability to fail miserably at other certain problems as well). The end result is that nearly every single thing I do is motivated by some deep, seemingly insane, and complex experiment I am conducting to test the limits of reality.

I only say this to demonstrate fully that I mean no harm. I am an extremely non violent person, my sparring partners love to jeer at my lack of desire to really damage another person's body (and likewise my teacher often demands that I perceive all sparring situations as the potential end of the universe), and part of the reason I am an avid student of the martial arts is my disposition towards violence. I would rather create a machine out of my body which has the final say if violence will have to happen or not, than be a completely passive creature. But, as the pattern of my life seems to trend, I endure ungodly amounts of pain in such studies in order to become immutable by pain. Again, I always appear to be engaging in some sort of activity, event, or lifestyle, which seems as though I enjoy misery on the surface (actually it is quite enjoyable, but we stoics are a hard-to-predict bunch).

This most recent "career" choice is is exactly the same. I couldnt have hated this job more. However, there hardly could have better been a training ground for infiltration and espionage. The amount of data I managed to store in my head while spending my time inside this beast was unreal. I successfully manipulated all my colleagues and superiors into thinking I was something I wasnt, as well as passed myself off as a valuable, hard working asset, when in reality I managed to create a steady stream of counterproductive activity. My martial endeavors were appreciated to such a degree that I was even allowed to bring some of my weapons to work, should I need to hit class immediately after. Not that it was ever a threat to anyone of the 3,500+ Eichmanns slithering throughout the infrastructure of the Death Star, but if they knew the mind that was drifting amongst their drones, I doubt I would have been assigned such liberties.

What we have here in this day and age is a rather grand conspiracy (!!! there! I said it! the "C" word. It really deserves no such introductions, it merely implies that more than one mind has gathered to plan something to your detriment but their benefit, no need for anymore a stigma than this). This conspiracy was engineered in the 1920s, and there is no theory about it, but merely a long trail of well connected facts. This conspiracy is only grand in so far as it has successfully manipulated its target into ignoring it. Disbelief is not even a threat so much as inaction. That being said, its a rather paltry conspiracy, and not so smoothly executed as inertia is relieved as soon as one becomes willing to drop out of its system.

We're being attacked on all fronts. We exist to promote a self destructive machination of greed, a clever yet infinitesimal fraction of human beings ability to reap life of its resources and consume them before the clock runs out. It is enslaving its host by means of casual yet methodical manipulation of the deepest recesses of the psyche, by means of poisoning its host into a state of sedation and enervation, and by means of creating a falsified perspective on the world and its network of always-interconnected events. One has no real obligation to care so much about such a predicament's moral connotations, but one should certainly be offended and have a desire to defend one's power to choose fate for one's self.

The real problem is that Nature is a stoic as well. Nature has no desire except "to do, to be." Life is extremely, extremely difficult to exterminate outright. The history of life on this planet shows this readily, that life is inevitable, however fragile in its advanced structures, will never disappear. Its major constituents can form int he most harshest environments of the Universe imaginable, and so long as there is Chi in the Universe, there will be life. Nature cares not how life takes its forms, only that life takes form. To understand this, is to know that the ultimate goal of any organism is to seek complete harmony with Nature. Why is it not then obvious to tell that a self destructive, exploitative, and disharmonious union with the Universe, with God, is to deny this inevitable gift we call life? We aim to surrender our current position at top of the food chain, and to reset this current iteration of life's code to allow the advancement of life to continue from its most primal origins once more. It has happened many times, life has reset to its most fundamental organisms, only to grow again into majestic, finely engineered, and continuously revised multicellular species. We are the first with the ability to choose! Why choose to die? Why choose to spend your energies denying the gift of life, to seek one's death, and to seek death for all other advanced life in the process? Why actively choose separation from God?


Our bodies are being poisoned by the very things which once created life. Our air is, every day, having more and more 'foreign' particulate matter purposely added to it by members of society with no fundamental understanding of meteorology, the dynamics of electro magnetism, or regard for future effects, in order to accomplish such proposed ideas as deflection of life-giving energy from the sun, and increased potentiality of weather modification weapons. Our oceans and seas are well underway to becoming completely inhospitable to life, the general public barely aware of the magnitude of pollutants being dumped into the oceans every day, sometimes intentional, sometimes wantonly. I personally believe the vast majority of sealife has become inedible by humans, due to its levels of heavy metals and other biomagnified pollution. Our lands are radioactive, our grasses and other sources of food for animal life are all become a source for vectors of biomagnified radiation poisoning. Toxic metals are able to be found in nearly all vegetative matter throughout the world, which often renders such notions as "organic" rather null. Our food comes from genetically altered organisms foreign to the evolutionary history of the Universe's grand devices, and is pushed by agendas that have no interest in health or nourishment. We rape our Earth and demand it provides us with satisfaction, while Nature bemoans our occupation and begins to plan its next grand products, as our exit is quickly arriving on the horizon.

When we cant rape our Earth we rape each other. What a malignant entity human beings are! Their migration throughout this planet yields nothing but extinction, and nothing but refusal to accept the pattern of life laid out by Nature's law. So foolish humans are, believing their several-hundred-thousand rotations about the sun have any significance to the billions upon billions performed by the Universe's handywork, and to believe they are engaging in some process they call "progress." We spend all of our energies killing each other, our governments, our establishments, our most complex and well engineered systems for sustaining society are all designed for the purpose of destroying human life. What a living contradiction!

TO BE CON'T HERE...

I woke around sunrise to the sound of an unfamiliar bird call. I looked out the bedroom window to see a family of Gambel's quail perched along the rail fence like barnyard fowl, the babies much like baby chicks, the mother with the one coquetish plume curled out from the top of her head and bobbing before her eyes. The chicks seem very young for this late in the year. Maybe this is her 2nd brood.

<img src="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Callipepla_gambelii_-Tuscon,_Arizona,_USA_-adults_and_chicks-8.jpg"/>

The other day, I startled a grouse in the yard off the stoop. Also, elk, mule deer, cougars, and coyotes can be found here. Even after a few months, their calls still seem strange to me. Their unfamiliarity makes one more aware of these creatures.

The coyotes' are the strangest. There is one coyote who whose weird howls can be heard every few nights. It sounds like the screams of a woman being tortured. The screams alternate with what sounds like insane laughter. And it is often close. Maybe as close as the barn. I've gone out there with my night-vision goggles to try to spot it but have had no luck.

The small yard area surrounding the cabin is like a golf course. It is full of ground squirrel/gopher holes. Not that there is any grass growing in it, but still the holes are annoying.

Later this afternoon, I looked up from a novel I have been reading and watched an insect drowning in a jar of drinking water I had set on the ground in the shadow of the house beside my bench. Its 6 legs thrashed around futilely.

After a few moments, my gf came outside and was very upset. She had heard an animal squeaking in distress. I had been so absorbed in watching the drowning insect that I hadn’t noticed. Just then her feline Eloise, a brown tabby with a white chin, bib, and socks, appeared from behind a brush pile with something dangling from her mouth. As she approached, I could see that it was one of those ground squirrels that has been digging up the yard. It was already dead when she dropped it at our feet. She looked up at us and purred happily. I have rarely seen her look so pleased. Sunshine sparkled off the bright trickle of blood on her white chin.

I've been thinking a lot about sustainable living lately. Along those lines, an idea popped into my head at that instant. In the spirit of living off the land and not being wasteful, what if I were to feed the squirrel to Eloise cat? Until now, my girlfriend has had me take away the tiny bodies of Eloise’s kills and had me bury them. Eloise has been very active this summer, and now there is a small graveyard full of the small graves on the other side of the brush pile. That’s a lot of meat going to waste. And it was her kill, and it only seems fair that she be allowed to enjoy it. This would also help replace the store cat-food we feed her. We would have to cook it first to kill any parasites or diseases. I glanced at my girlfriend who was still staring horrified at the poor dead creature. She is a vegetarian, but sometimes she will eat fish. I debated this inside my head for a moment.

I shared my thoughts: “In the spirit of living off the land and not being wasteful…..”

My gf looked even more distressed and went back inside. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I won't bother trying to get her to let me use her frying pan. I will use the aluminum pan from my mess kit that I took backpacking. After she went inside I went around the corner of the house where she couldn’t see me and got to work.

As I skinned it with my hunting knife, it stank with a ratty musk. That was a strong smell for such a tiny carcass. I would have to be nearly starving before I would eat sometihng that nasty. But cats might not care. By the time I was halfway through, it had drawn a swarm of flies, yellow jackets, and hornets. I eventually removed the skin still intact. I scraped the skin, put salt on it to preserve it, stretched it out and tacked it to a fence post to dry. Maybe I will be able to tan it and sew it into a little fur collar for Eloise to wear. Eloise cat would look handsome in it. Or I will make it into a small cat toy and stuff it with catnip. She loves catnip.

Then I filleted the carcass producing 4 tiny ground squirrel fillets. I put them in a RubberMaid container and put that in the propane-powered refrigerator (Carnot cycle) while I decide what to do with the meat.

generally when ever i leave seattle, i post about what i like about it here. come january, it will be two years since i moved out. the thing that keeps me coming back here is the group of friends of i have. they are all rather introverted and i don't feel weird sitting around the apartment while we all play with our computers. maybe its weird that my friends here bring computers when they come to socialize?

last weekend, i was hanging out with some more extroverted people. the one guy drove me nuts because he would not shut up. he was busy chatting and asking a zillion questions. i find this slightly disconcerting but i think it highlights the different dynamics. our mutual friend, and his other friends, were also rather chatty.

i am not really sure where this post is going. i just figured i should post something cause i haven't made any public posts recently.

In certain ways, i'm much more strong than ever before. Yet it's that 1 elusive thing that occupies my mind the most. Am I ever going to meet another TF? =...(

Because I guarantee 99.9% of people won't agree with me on this. And that's fine, I'm used to being opposed regarding this issue. But if you feel the need to comment, be intelligent and mature about it please. I support Martial Law - that's what this is about. So if that upsets you, stop reading this now. I can already guarantee that you're not going to like what I'm going to be saying. SO now that's out of the way, I need to get this off of my chest.
I am straight up disgusted by the way many Americans are acting these days. We have it good here, far better than most countries... still, people want more. Take the Occupy Wall Street bullshit (yes, that's what it is - BULLSHIT). People are out there complaining about the money politicians and CEO's of Fortune 500 companies make... while they use those same companies' products. While they listen to music, watch movies, support celebrities who get paid even more than what these CEO's and politicians do. Let's see. Running an entire country/business vs. pretending to be someone else in front of a camera, getting drunk on camera (ahem Jersey Shore), playing music in front of live audiences, having the whole world in love with you. Who deserves the money more? I'd say the ones who worked their asses off to get where they are - not the people who happened to luck out one day and be discovered. If you want to protest how much money certain American citizens are making, stop going to the movies and listening to music. Common sense.

If politicians and CEO's of Fortune 500 companies get paid more and are taking our tax dollars, so the fuck what? Are WE running an entire country? No, we're not. And if taxes are really that detrimental to your life, you need to find a better job, or learn to adapt. Politicians and CEO's of Fortune 500 companies deserve every penny they get. They worked their asses off for it.

The ironic part is that all of these people protesting, wouldn't be if they were in the shoes of those politicians and CEO's. Because people are lazy sheep. They'd rather call for a revolution and bring America to the brink of a civil war... as if we're not going through enough already... than to get off their asses, go to school, find a good job, and make their money back. None of that is impossible. For ANYBODY. And why is that possible for everyone? Because the GOVERNMENT is KIND enough to provide social programs to assist even the poorest of people, even homeless people, to HELP them with that stuff. But people aren't happy with that. They want more.

So they go out and clog up entire cities, then cry when police officers DO THEIR JOBS. "Boo hoo, someone got maced." WELP. Cry me a fucking river. That someone shouldn't have been in the middle of the street disrupting the peace then! If you can't handle being maced, tasered, or beaten by police officers... well, don't reap what you can't sow. That's all I have to say. Common sense. You know the consequences of starting riots like these; I don't want to hear anybody crying when it happens to them.

That is what disgusts me about Americans. There's more. But it would take too long to write. And this is where Martial Law comes in. In my opinion, it NEEDS to happen. The laziness, the ungratefulness, the complete and utter BLINDNESS to how much our government actually does for us in comparison to other countries... who are SO much worse off... it's all just gotten out of hand. People are fucking burning flags and shit.

Honestly, I just want order to be restored. I want people to be put in their place and get a reality check. People complain about what they have now and how horrible our government treats us (which is a fucking joke). If Martial Law was utilized... if Obama would be smart JUST THIS ONCE and make that decision... people would be absolutely BEGGING for things to go back to the way they are now. Let's take away ALL of our rights for a while... we'll see how much people complain about the way things are right now then. Sometimes that's what it takes. Sometimes in order for someone to realize what they have, you have to take it all away. It's extreme, but when it gets this out of hand... fuck, I'm sorry, but SOMETHING needs to be done.

I'm not going to lie. I used to be one of the many sheep in the masses before I joined the military. I took shit for granted too. Had I not actually lived under military rule myself, I'd probably be out there with a sign too, just going with other citizens say instead of looking at the facts and accepting things for the way they are. I'd still be a sheep. Which is why it's just absolutely insane to me that there are actually military personnel out there in those crowds.

I can't even begin to explain how much being in the military opened my eyes up to things. Especially during boot camp. Damn, did I realize how much I took for granted. Not just the little things, like family and candy bars. But the big things too, the "rights" people are fighting to "get back" on Wall Street right now... like being able to speak whenever you want and say whatever you want. Like having privacy. Like being able to read your own mail. Like having the freedom to go where you want, whenever you want. Like not having a curfew. Things like that.

And even major things. I'll tell you something personal just to get my point across, because that's how important this issue is to me. While I was in, I was raped by one of the Drill Instructors that lived in my barracks. When I tried to turn him in, I was told to shut up and not say anything, and then I was NJP'ed for making a "false official statement". I wasn't lying. I really was raped. My consequence for trying to get help for myself? Two days on restriction, where I was only allowed to eat bread and water and I could not go anywhere... I couldn't step foot outside of my barracks room... and my pay was taken away for two months. Yes, my entire paycheck. No, I was not reimbursed for any of it.

Once that shit happens to you, you appreciate what you have. Like I said, sometimes it all needs to be taken away in order for you to see what's already right in front of you.

And that's what I assume Martial Law will be like... the same thing as being in the military. We'll have a curfew, we will NOT have the right to say what we want whenever we want to say it, or go where we want whenever we want to go there. Our mail will be monitered by the federal government. People will constantly be afraid of being killed or punished, constantly on edge. Exactly like the military. Fine with me - fear instills discipline. I guarantee you if the government handed over the reigns to the military for a year, Americans would come out of it with a whole different view on their country. They might finally start appreciating the things our government DOES provide for us. They might finally start appreciating the products those Fortune 500 companies' produce. The reason they're Fortune 500 companies to begin with is because people need their products, and so everyone buys them. And yet... people are protesting the companies that produce those same products they use on a daily basis? Why? Where is the logic in that?

I'm more afraid of other American citizens these days than I am of the government. Why? Because this Wall Street business is really getting out of hand... revolutionaries are starting to crawl out of the woodwork and organize movements that are not so peaceful. The protestors themselves are starting to get violent. They're even taking the protest to other countries, which I honestly do not understand at all for the life of me. They don't realize that the government doesn't care. This protest is not going to get anyone what they want. It's going to get Martial Law put into effect, and if it continues the way it is now, it's going to get people killed. Because if Martial Law IS put into effect as a result of this (praying to God that it is), people will blame the government. They'll say the government is out to get us. They won't look at what they've done and realize that THEIR OWN ACTIONS are the cause of anything.

So you see... Americans these days are ruthless. They're quick to point the finger at everyone but themselves. And hey, it's no one's fault but your own if you either A.) didn't vote, or B.) you voted for the wrong candidate for the wrong reasons. (*cough*votingforObamajustbecausehe'sblack*cough*). And that is why this shit scares me. American citizens are causing this country to fall to pieces. NOT the government.

America is in a very deep sleep right now. It's sad. And it sucks, because it's not like there's an anti-Occupy Wall Street movement. So what are people like me supposed to do? Except for write blogs and talk to people who won't listen. People think my way of thinking is the wrong way, the violent way. It's ridiculous. My way of thinking doesn't fight back unless provoked first... and I mean severely provoked. Poked at and prodded at until there is absolutely no other choice left. All I can do is sit on the sidelines and try to get people to wake up and see what they're doing... and wait for my side to start fighting back.

Someday, we aren't going to be able to write these kinds of blogs. I don't know if it will happen tomorrow, or next month, or a few decades from now... but Martial Law IS going to be utilized on a national level at some point. And it won't be the government's fault, it won't be because the government is out to get us or wants to kill us all off like some conspiracy theorists think. It will be because of the actions of AMERICAN CITIZENS... NOT the American government.

Honestly, I just hope people will keep these things in mind when it does happen... and that I'm alive to see it.

being dope sick sucks, the worst part for me has Always been my inability to sleep due to RLS which eventually takes over my entire body, prohibiting me from getting what little reprieve i could by sleeping till i got what i needed. this week my dr prescribed me sine met (carbidopa/levodopa), holly jeez, this shit is a miracle drug. i took it and with in 30 minutes the god awful unrelenting twitching , jerking feeling that NOTHING would relieve was gone. it was amazing. that and 2 mg of Xanax allowed me to sleep for, jeez, like 14 hours. i have never been able to do that before. just though i'd share peace &

Down the hatch, up the nose.

It's 7pm -- so I really should get everything I need to get done, done. While it still lasts. Because I am going to be useless the next few days.

I have 5mg of suboxone which will hopefully smooth the landing. Although I've been using at least 150mg of oxycodone per day since the 1st. Now I am pretty much out of money and have to wait till I get more money or find a job once again.

I wish I could control my usage... but it never works out that way. I want to try an NA meeting but it really doesn't appeal to me. I know everyone has awful stories about how badly their use of drugs has affected them.

Oh well. If I could get my hands on some pot that would be great. I have 7mg of xanax and all the clonazepam one could want. I have some loperamide. I have alcohol and benadryl and seroquel and flexeril. Maybe that will help with the RLS. Unless my girlfriend threw them away. I told her not to. Oh well. I've been a terrible girlfriend for a long time now so what's the point? I love her so much and I know she loves me but she deserves so much better than me.

Yay withdrawals!