Somethings are crazy about being me. Everyday is an internal struggle with things that, oddly, seem to be constantly coming at me from the outside. My experiences sound very similar to paranoid schizophrenia. Though, usually, when your a paranoid schizophrenic, all your friends and the people around you don't usually bear witness to the cross of your hallucinations and delusions. I guess they may see it, see it in you..People must be effected by your thoughts and their resultant actions..Crazy or not. But this is ironic..Its ironic to have your paranoid delusions scare other people, for them to see it too and agree and be worried by it. This is quite the burden at times. A lesser man might not be quite so well adjusted..I told a friend of mine recently, that if I'm mad, I'd be like the guy from a beautiful mind. Battling the demons of his insanity, solving his problems..And more. If anything, I aspire to have these hallucinations and delusions become something more positive, to be a facilitation of my reality rather than a destructive interference. I look at it like a reality over-lay. Ideally, it should help, not hurt. So this is my goal.
Last night, I decided to get drunk with some friends. I'm a psychospiritual mess. Evidently people of like mind cluster around me, at that. A friend of mine, one I believe who has tried to harm me magickally, was with us this night. I made my peace with him, I believe, thought, not in words per se...And did some chakra and energy work while watching manswers with my friends. I live in a different reality than most, its true. But he's more in tune with my reality tunnel than some of the others.
Later another friend came by. Came to drink with us. Recently, I did some energy work on him. I have no idea at all what I'm doing, basically I was experimenting on him, it may have been a really bad idea. I sent my energy into his chakras, with the intention that he may become more aware of their locations and what they feel like. My energy is apparently powerful, I can't resist the urge to use it. He suffers depression, I've been trying to help him lately. Its my crazy shaman vibe going; though, there's an interesting dynamic here, an exchange is taking place. Evidently, either my charles manson vibe is hitting him..i've done shrooms with him, and I'm the man on shrooms, for some reason I turn into charles manson, brain wash people and shit, its really quite intense and scary the charisma and magickal vibe I give off in groups of people on shrooms..somehow convincing him of a cultish idea of energy and magickal powers...Or, somehow I've awakened something in him by doing this. He appears to have developed the power of energy vampirism.
While smoking pot with him and a friend, all hell broke loose. He began to use his new found awareness. It was not exactly positive energy. He leeched one of my friends and attempted to give it to me. He also tried leeching me, but, I gave him something bad. This was not the time for me to be involved in magickal duels. I had taken a klonopin, much smirnoff and smoked a blunt. Nevermind I can't seem to smoke pot anymore without having crazy spiritual visions and hallucinations. I feel like dark forces try to possess me and shit as well. Its not very fun. You'd think the klonopin would've helped me out as they often prescribe it for HPPD, of which, marijuana most certainly intensifies, if that is even what this is.
I didn't see any auras; but neither was I looking for them. I describe it like this; I did alot of shrooms, trying to get into contact with something, and something I did contact indeed. Call it madness if you want; call it a spiritual awakening if that makes you feel better. The insanity that I preach is worse than many's sanity. Its not fun. If you knew what I knew, you probably wouldn't like it either.
I've done alot of drugs. This is karmic here. They all came back to me at once. A sense of dissassociation and doom, very salvia like set upon me. Almost acid trip like, almost shroomy, and even almost DXM like, almost datura like even, all at once. This was not fun. I felt like I had taken a step out of the world. Out of body experience. I'd use this metaphor, I stepped back stage and had a talk with all the actors involved, who, taking the forms of my friends who were with me, told me I take in too much bad from everyone, and give so much. That I feel like I don't get anything in return, but I do and I am appreciated. Nice messages from persons claiming to be mostly evil; but they like me evidently.
I worried for a while I wouldn't come back..Stepping out of the world, I didn't feel like I was on earth anymore. I totally lost touch with this world. I ripped one of the posters off my wall, convinced it was charmed with an evil spell, and threw out my friends coat in a delirious state believing it to have some bad hoojoo as well. This was totally silly, and very not the shaman thing to do, I must be braver and stronger than this if I ever hope to survive the transition, even if I was really drunk, high and on klonpin, but then again, my friends eyes were glowing green and shit, and I felt like it wasn't really him. It may not have been, sometimes I feel a strong presence follows me around and is talking to me through others now. Its not fun.
I woke up this morning, dug through the trash of my building and found my boys coat; made right a terrible wrong I did while delirious under the influence of a variety of drugs, sick horrible flashbacks and perhaps even spiritual presences, probably bad ones. I may have got it bad, but my friends bore witness to this shit as well, so I'm not alone in this. This doesn't help. If I was just mad, I'd take drugs, talk to a therapist and hopefully feel better..But when everyone else sees it too. Well, what do you do?
Last night, I decided to get drunk with some friends. I'm a psychospiritual mess. Evidently people of like mind cluster around me, at that. A friend of mine, one I believe who has tried to harm me magickally, was with us this night. I made my peace with him, I believe, thought, not in words per se...And did some chakra and energy work while watching manswers with my friends. I live in a different reality than most, its true. But he's more in tune with my reality tunnel than some of the others.
Later another friend came by. Came to drink with us. Recently, I did some energy work on him. I have no idea at all what I'm doing, basically I was experimenting on him, it may have been a really bad idea. I sent my energy into his chakras, with the intention that he may become more aware of their locations and what they feel like. My energy is apparently powerful, I can't resist the urge to use it. He suffers depression, I've been trying to help him lately. Its my crazy shaman vibe going; though, there's an interesting dynamic here, an exchange is taking place. Evidently, either my charles manson vibe is hitting him..i've done shrooms with him, and I'm the man on shrooms, for some reason I turn into charles manson, brain wash people and shit, its really quite intense and scary the charisma and magickal vibe I give off in groups of people on shrooms..somehow convincing him of a cultish idea of energy and magickal powers...Or, somehow I've awakened something in him by doing this. He appears to have developed the power of energy vampirism.
While smoking pot with him and a friend, all hell broke loose. He began to use his new found awareness. It was not exactly positive energy. He leeched one of my friends and attempted to give it to me. He also tried leeching me, but, I gave him something bad. This was not the time for me to be involved in magickal duels. I had taken a klonopin, much smirnoff and smoked a blunt. Nevermind I can't seem to smoke pot anymore without having crazy spiritual visions and hallucinations. I feel like dark forces try to possess me and shit as well. Its not very fun. You'd think the klonopin would've helped me out as they often prescribe it for HPPD, of which, marijuana most certainly intensifies, if that is even what this is.
I didn't see any auras; but neither was I looking for them. I describe it like this; I did alot of shrooms, trying to get into contact with something, and something I did contact indeed. Call it madness if you want; call it a spiritual awakening if that makes you feel better. The insanity that I preach is worse than many's sanity. Its not fun. If you knew what I knew, you probably wouldn't like it either.
I've done alot of drugs. This is karmic here. They all came back to me at once. A sense of dissassociation and doom, very salvia like set upon me. Almost acid trip like, almost shroomy, and even almost DXM like, almost datura like even, all at once. This was not fun. I felt like I had taken a step out of the world. Out of body experience. I'd use this metaphor, I stepped back stage and had a talk with all the actors involved, who, taking the forms of my friends who were with me, told me I take in too much bad from everyone, and give so much. That I feel like I don't get anything in return, but I do and I am appreciated. Nice messages from persons claiming to be mostly evil; but they like me evidently.
I worried for a while I wouldn't come back..Stepping out of the world, I didn't feel like I was on earth anymore. I totally lost touch with this world. I ripped one of the posters off my wall, convinced it was charmed with an evil spell, and threw out my friends coat in a delirious state believing it to have some bad hoojoo as well. This was totally silly, and very not the shaman thing to do, I must be braver and stronger than this if I ever hope to survive the transition, even if I was really drunk, high and on klonpin, but then again, my friends eyes were glowing green and shit, and I felt like it wasn't really him. It may not have been, sometimes I feel a strong presence follows me around and is talking to me through others now. Its not fun.
I woke up this morning, dug through the trash of my building and found my boys coat; made right a terrible wrong I did while delirious under the influence of a variety of drugs, sick horrible flashbacks and perhaps even spiritual presences, probably bad ones. I may have got it bad, but my friends bore witness to this shit as well, so I'm not alone in this. This doesn't help. If I was just mad, I'd take drugs, talk to a therapist and hopefully feel better..But when everyone else sees it too. Well, what do you do?