Having a concussion, believe it or not, turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It exposed a few people, gave me a better idea of who's real and who was a fake ass bitch just trying to take advantage. Needless to say, I'm better off now, minus two negative toxic forces in my life. Good riddance to them both. It's hard to lose friends, but once a day goes by and you've had time to realize, "Oh shit... they were never even friends to begin with"... it makes it kind of hard to care. Which I don't. Anymore. Not really, anyway. I do care about the loss of an extra $20 a week for driving her kids to school, but that barely covered the gas for it anyways. And I do care about the money the other person stole, leaving me completely and utterly BROKE for the rest of this month. But, you know... that just further proves my point. About them both.
Also realized who actually DOES care about my well-being. It's always nice to know that certain people will come crawling out of the woodwork when you're in a rough spot, people you didn't even know were watching your posts or cared about you. I just made that sound really creepy lol. What I mean is, the night of my concussion (and a few rough nights following it afterwards), a couple people I never expected to came crawling out of the woodwork just to cheer me up. My one friend that I haven't talked to in ages was sending me funny pictures of animals all night while I was in the ER. Another one took me out to dinner and was really attentive all night to making sure my head was alright, even if he was giving me a hard time about it (he's a professional BMXer, so I can understand that I guess. He's seen worse). Another friend that I haven't even seen OR talked to in AT LEAST 8 years pulled up a bunch of information about post-concussive syndrome, and then she posted it on my wall, letting me know she was thinking of me and what not. And then, of course, there's my best friend (who really doesn't need any confirmation, but still) who brought me food and visited me when I got back from the hospital, since I'm on bed rest and completely bored all of this week. Another friend saw my posts (one I made when I was at a VERY low point, I literally just wanted to curl up and die) and called me immediately, saying, "If you EVER feel like this, you pick up the phone and call me. No excuses." That was nice. And then, biggest surprise of all, was... we'll just call him M (aka guy I broke off the toxic relationship with a few weeks back)... who called me at 3 in the morning to talk me through some bullshit. So even though I lost two "friends"... a better word would be frenemies, actually... there were more people who gained a big amount of my trust and respect. It was cool to know for sure who truly has my back.
The thing about being at rock bottom like that, is that there's nowhere to go but up. You can either GIVE up... or you can CLIMB up. I choose the second option. Rock bottom is the best place to put things into perspective and make drastic life changes, because honestly, what do you have to lose when you're as low as you can possibly get? Nothing. So I had a few epiphanies, made a few major life decisions and got the ball rolling on changing a few things. I've got pretty much everything on lockdown now. The only things that are reall y stressing me out at the moment still are my addiction (no matter what I do, I just can't seem to get past the point I'm at right now. It's not getting worse, it's just that I'm having an impossible time tapering down further), and the debt that I'm in. My financial situation just absolutely SUCKS. It wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that I can't look for a job right now. The job hunt came to a stand still when my one "frenemy" offered me $20 a week to drive her kids to school and babysit them afterwards, it wasn't much, but it was enough to make me feel far more secure, knowing I had an extra source of income. And once she exposed herself for the waste of life that she is... well, needless to say, I wasn't doing HER anymore favors. But now I can't look for a job because of this concussion, and it's stressing me out. I'd feel SO much better about it if I knew I was doing something proactive to change my financial situation, but there's nothing I can do. I can't drive right now, or go on interviews, even filling out a simple job application is just too much work for me right now. That part sucks. And unfortunately, money is extremely important to me, so it's weighing on my mind A LOT.
Oh well. The important thing is, is that I'm at least TRYING to make positive changes... and I am making them in other areas, even if it's not in the areas that are (to me) the most important. Well, except for school. I'm really glad I solved that part. Oh well. My addiction and my financial situation are the biggest obstacles in my life at the moment, so I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Especially not right now. One step at a time, right? Baby steps.
Everything will work out alright.
Also realized who actually DOES care about my well-being. It's always nice to know that certain people will come crawling out of the woodwork when you're in a rough spot, people you didn't even know were watching your posts or cared about you. I just made that sound really creepy lol. What I mean is, the night of my concussion (and a few rough nights following it afterwards), a couple people I never expected to came crawling out of the woodwork just to cheer me up. My one friend that I haven't talked to in ages was sending me funny pictures of animals all night while I was in the ER. Another one took me out to dinner and was really attentive all night to making sure my head was alright, even if he was giving me a hard time about it (he's a professional BMXer, so I can understand that I guess. He's seen worse). Another friend that I haven't even seen OR talked to in AT LEAST 8 years pulled up a bunch of information about post-concussive syndrome, and then she posted it on my wall, letting me know she was thinking of me and what not. And then, of course, there's my best friend (who really doesn't need any confirmation, but still) who brought me food and visited me when I got back from the hospital, since I'm on bed rest and completely bored all of this week. Another friend saw my posts (one I made when I was at a VERY low point, I literally just wanted to curl up and die) and called me immediately, saying, "If you EVER feel like this, you pick up the phone and call me. No excuses." That was nice. And then, biggest surprise of all, was... we'll just call him M (aka guy I broke off the toxic relationship with a few weeks back)... who called me at 3 in the morning to talk me through some bullshit. So even though I lost two "friends"... a better word would be frenemies, actually... there were more people who gained a big amount of my trust and respect. It was cool to know for sure who truly has my back.
The thing about being at rock bottom like that, is that there's nowhere to go but up. You can either GIVE up... or you can CLIMB up. I choose the second option. Rock bottom is the best place to put things into perspective and make drastic life changes, because honestly, what do you have to lose when you're as low as you can possibly get? Nothing. So I had a few epiphanies, made a few major life decisions and got the ball rolling on changing a few things. I've got pretty much everything on lockdown now. The only things that are reall y stressing me out at the moment still are my addiction (no matter what I do, I just can't seem to get past the point I'm at right now. It's not getting worse, it's just that I'm having an impossible time tapering down further), and the debt that I'm in. My financial situation just absolutely SUCKS. It wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that I can't look for a job right now. The job hunt came to a stand still when my one "frenemy" offered me $20 a week to drive her kids to school and babysit them afterwards, it wasn't much, but it was enough to make me feel far more secure, knowing I had an extra source of income. And once she exposed herself for the waste of life that she is... well, needless to say, I wasn't doing HER anymore favors. But now I can't look for a job because of this concussion, and it's stressing me out. I'd feel SO much better about it if I knew I was doing something proactive to change my financial situation, but there's nothing I can do. I can't drive right now, or go on interviews, even filling out a simple job application is just too much work for me right now. That part sucks. And unfortunately, money is extremely important to me, so it's weighing on my mind A LOT.
Oh well. The important thing is, is that I'm at least TRYING to make positive changes... and I am making them in other areas, even if it's not in the areas that are (to me) the most important. Well, except for school. I'm really glad I solved that part. Oh well. My addiction and my financial situation are the biggest obstacles in my life at the moment, so I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Especially not right now. One step at a time, right? Baby steps.
Everything will work out alright.