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Ahhh! I lost internet for like two hours today! Noo!! I was totally watching Netflix too! I had to resort to reading a book! Tho, I do like reading books. This year, I am going to be a Maid of honor (confirmed), and most likely a bridesmaid in two separate weddings/different groups of friends totally! (unconfirmed, but very likely, could even be maid of honor at one of these too). Also, the unconfirmed one I might be MOH at, she's pregnant, and I'm most likely going to be asked to be the Godmom.. well I'm hoping! That'd be sweet. In other words, I got some good reading in on my "Bridesmaid's Guerrilla Handbook", my brother so clutchily bought me for Chanukah (I think I made clutchily up, but you know what I mean!).

Now that that rant is over.. my bratty dog hasn't left my lap aaallll day. The brat. I absolutely her. (See my post in http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads...d-with-added-ooomph!?p=10261104#post10261104 this post, and vote for her as cutest pet ever! Because she is!).

My dad went out to meet someone he met online, a "date". Good for him, he's 60 and is lonely. But that means I'm home alone and need food! I want to order Ping Pong, but not home alone.. waiting for my friend to call and come over so we can order. He hasn't been very reliable lately, (I HATE THAT). Like last night he said he was coming over at nine. By 930, nothing, no call, no text, no arrival, so I called him, texted him.. NOTHING. I absolutely HATE that. I didn't hear from him until this morning. He said "oh I went to get a new phone" Yea? Fucking TELL ME! Don't make plans and then ace me. And he's consistently late, I hate that too. If you're always late, account for that! Anyway, if I don't hear from him by 7, I'm ordering delivery all by myself! I'm gonna snuggle on the couch, crank up the heat, put the dog on my lap, eat my ping pong, and watch bootleg episodes of burn notice from whatever website I can find them on! It's like the what 7th season airing right now and Netflix only has 4 seasons? Talk about being 3 years behind! So aggravating!

Well, I've said my piece, who wants to join me eating some Pekin Raviolis??? My fav!

-V%)

A continuation...

Let us call that kid, "Pete," Pete was an upper middle class kid living in New Jersey, about an hour and a half south of Manhattan. I took a ball of that Afghan hash and maybe 50 pieces of Rosicrucian Blotter. The party was huge but Pete wasn't much in the partying way. His best friend, some say his lover, had been killed by a hit and run driver while driving through the Pine Barrens, a massive pine forest covering many thousands of hectares in Southern New Jersey. The burial had just been the previous day. Yet, Pete SEEMED as if he was handling it OK.

I broke out the hash, these surburban kids were nuts. To them, hash was something you hear about, but rarely, if ever, see, and IF you DO see it, it is that awful blonde or green shit that seems to make its way only to America. People at that time bought into all kinds of myths, like "Opiated Hash" for example. Hash producers would never put opium in or on their product because hash is much more expencive in such places, it would be like a cannabis seller mixing tobacco in with his bud, it would cut the price. Naturally, good hash is a cream inside, hard but pliable on the outside, and because of oxidation, that pliable outside turns black. With a creamy tan to red inside and black gummy outside it is easy for naïve people to imagine that in places where hash costs at least two times more than opium, a manufacturer would cut his own product.

So we smoked a few bowls, and without exception, noone could pull three times, they were floored. Around 1AM the party began thinning out, and now, it was all guys. I whipped out the Blotter and tore off pieces to anybody who asked. Pete asked for two pieces. Now, two pieces isn't a lot of LSD, maybe 200 microgrammes, IF it was even THAT much. We were having a grand time but then Pete insisted on riding his bicycle to the hiway ro buy cigarettes. His slightly younger brother, let us call him Phil, was adamently against the idea but in the end, he let Pete go with two other guys, all on bicycles.

The sun was breaking on the horizon, four hours later, and we were all getting worried because the three of them hadn't returned. Just as we were about to leave and search, the two guys that had gone with Pete returned and were clearly alarmed. When they had calmed down enough to explain what had happened they told us that Pete had suddenly veered off and rode across the hiway. By the time they could make their way to the other side of a six lane hiway Pete was gone, he had vanished.

Now we were all bugging the fuck out, especially me, the asshole who had handed out LSD like it was fucken Skittles. When you trip on LSD you can easily get super paranoid that everyone is loking at you, but in this case a few WERE and it wasn't a friendly look. Finally, just before 7AM, we decided to all go to the hiway and search. Opening the front door of the house I jumped back, Pete was standing a milimeter from the door, staring like a fucken zombie, and his shiny bike was tied, I swear, into a pretzel shape. WHOA. So now I'm truly paranoid, skirting a bad trip but Pete is far, far worse. He stares only at me. "Raki, bless you, I am the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost." He said it in an eerie, emotionless monotone with those wide, pie shaped zombie eyes.

I looked to his brother Phil, Phil was laughing, maybe relieved that his brother was physically fine, or perhaps it was simply the acid doing the "feeling." When Pete kept on with the Jesus shtick though, Phil sobered up pretty fast, "Shit, my mom'll be home in 3 fucken hours and Pete is Mother fucken Theresa!" My first thought, I'm ashamed to say, was to rush back to Brooklyn, grab my passport and hop my skanky ass aboard the first plane to Israel. I pictured their mum, a nurse, coming home, pressuring them for details, and them telling how I passed out dozens of hits of LSD. New Jersey, to New Yorkers, is West Bubble Fuck. In the city possesion of heroin is a misdemeanour, in Jersey? 4 years in prison. Still, I dindnt leave until Phil pushed the last of us out the front door in a paniced state.

Three years later I pull into a strip mall in that same town, to use the loo. I park my father's car, walk towards a donut store, and who do I see? Pete! I swear, this is what he said, smiling slightly, "Raki, I bless you, only through me can you get to heaven." WHOA. I forgot about the pee and got the fuck out of there and in fact I turned right around and returned to the city.

Some of my mates in Israel told me he was probably pulling my chain but I wasn't convinced. Now, after finishing my almost 7 years of Active Duty in the army, I came to the US to make my fortune. I ended up in the drug game, all things that I will eventually discuss in my Blog, but the point being, in this entry, I caught a bullshit arrest in that same New Jersey County as the police there were aiming for my uncle, and I got caught up in the sweep. I'm in that Country Jail for 7 months before getting shipped to a state prison. One day, a new inmate walks into the cell (cells being giant cages with almost 100 men). Who should it be but Pete. I was nervous of course but convinced myself that my mates' advice had been correct, that Pete wasn't really nuts. He sees me and right away its the Jesus spiel!!! WHOA. I'm trying to reason with him but finally I said fuck it and grabbed his Charge Sheet.

That trip had sent him into a Psychotic Break and when he finally finished spiralling they diagnosed him as a Paranoid Schizophrenic. He had been placed in a flat with other mentally ill adults but one day, obeying those voices that only Pete could hear, he grabbed a steak knofe and stabbed a roomate seven times, thinking he was an emissary of Satan.

Of course I had given acid away freely but in my own defence, in those days there was no internet, Harm Reduction was merely a glimmer in a couple of forward thinking peoples' eyes. We only knew what other users told us and if you read Drug Forums, even today 90% of users who even bother to search, are still stumbling around blindly. Now that I'm in Middle Age I think often of Phil and wonder if perhaps, I hadn't been so glib that evening, he too would have grandchildren and a life of accomplishments. The rational thinker in me knows, or rather "believes," that acid only magnifies extant conditions but in truth that is only a theory. I still respect LSD, but feel that only adults, mentally as well as physically, should ever consider using it.

As noted in an earlier entry, one of several girls I have been considering, found that Jackie had created a page on a social networking site. On the page were photos of her and an elderly white man who, and I am honestly trying to be objective, looks like he has been sucking on the glass dick for a good decade straight. There ARE other causes of "facial wasting," certain HIV medications, even cancer comes to mind, but- all things considered- in all probability, a man with advanced HIV/AIDs and/or cancer wouldn't be thinking of banging young Filipinas, or would he? I can't say.

That in itself was a bit suprising but what truly floored me was the fact that in her photos Jackie mentioned being pregnant, and that she was going to give birth to her CHUD in April. Now, math isn't my strong point mind you, but counting backwards for the better part of the afternoon I surmised that Jackie had to have knocked boots with Elder Tweaker in July. Having roughly an iota of sexual experience myself, I felt it reasonable to assume that Rip Van Crackhead had more than likely been humping Jackie for some time before July. It is true that it only takes a single copulation to impregnate, but, usually it takes a couple months before getting it right.

In fairness however, I assumed that they first played hide the salami in July. Now, my two regular readers (Hi Mom!) will recall that in July of 2011 I was still in power down mode from Jackie and her bag of mind fuck tricks. I had long since told her to get a life but she had persisted in swearing her undying, earth shattering love for me. "I would die before ever even looking at any other man!" Cough. Whatever. That was the same month that, after I had paid the rent on the house in Metro Manila's Quezon City, she took the money, bought her friend Kris a ferry ticket home to Mindanao and then blew the rest on clothes. Then, not telling me, told the owner of the house that she was pulling out of the lease.

I only found about this from Kris herself. Kris called me, desperate, because Jackie had disappeared, the girl is at the very least, quite consistent. A week later, still in July, Jackie sent me an IM. According to her, she didn't want to be a burden to me since I didn't love her. She had taken a job as a live in maid for a rich Tsinoy (Filipino of Chinese descent) family. Waking at 430AM seven days a week, her day consisted of hand washing clothes until almost 9PM every night, all for the lovely sum of US124 a month. Since I was kicking up twice that monthly for her rent and personal needs I was, to put it lightly, dumb founded.

She told me how she shared a room in the family's compound with one of the other maids, a girl named Amanda. She told me how the family uncle, an elderly man- hmmm, a pattern developing- was wooing her with offers of extravagant gifts, a motorbike, a trip to Hong Kong and Macau, whatever. I advised her to try and return to Mindanao and at least reconcile with her parents if not her husband and kids. "No! I gave them all up for you Raki! I can never gi back now and even if I could, I never would! I acted for our true love and I don't regret a single thing!"

Well, she eventually told me that she left the maid position and had moved in with Kris' cousins in Quezon City. There, because she had no income, she cooked and cleaned for the cousin's family, but lived as a friend, not a servant. Again, I advised her to eat crow and return home. No, she was adamant.

In September she begged me to "love" her as I once did, swearing her undying love and how she would die alone if she couldn't have me. She begged for recent photos of me. Stupidly I complied, and even more stupidly,sent it from my sidekick which has an account incorporating Joysa's name on it. I rarely use my Sidekick these days, and so it had escaped my mind that those photos would arrive with Joysa's name in the data chain. The photos wafted through cyberspace for a few seconds and then landed in the cyber cafe where Jackie was sitting...and then a shitstorm followed:

Jackie: Who the hell is 'Joysa'?

Rachamim: (kicking himself in the head) Joysa? Don't be silly Jackie, that is your Hebrew name. Jackie equals Joysa. You know that! I have only told you at least a dozen times (so much for my policy on 100% honesty).

J: You told me Hebrew doesn't even have the letter "J" in it! How could you lie!?

R: This of course would be Jackie, the girl with an extra baby and a husband I never knew about, yes? I'm telling you, it's your name.

J: After all I sacrificed for our love! You are like every other man!

R: I rather doubt that Jackie, considering how 99.9 % of men would have spat in your face after discovering your "secret" baby, but whatever. Look, I told you when you took that job as a maid and disappeared for a week that I will never be more than your friend. I'm truly sorry if I have hurt you with this but you and I are NOT a couple. I don't really know if we ever were, but either way, the past is the past.

So, while Jackie was claiming to be devastated by Joysa, she was ready in her second trimester hahaha! After the chat on IM, Jackie found out info about Joysa on that same social networking site and began cyber-stalking. Naturally, learning she was pregnant at this time was shocking to me. She began leaving notes on Joysa's page. I left notes in reply. Jackie kept saying how I lied about Joysa. I replied, "Giving birth in April, got pregnant in July, found about Joysa in September. Do the math."

I later found out that when she was supposedly a "maid" she was actually living back in Cagayan del Oro, on the military base in her parent's home. In other words, basically, everything aside from her having abandoned her poor husband and three young children has been a major lie. The only time I can lie is if it is ti avoid crushing someone emotionally, like the whole "Joysa is Hebrew for Jackie" spiel. I simply cannot manufacture stories. I wish I could say that the whole Jackie drama has taught me a lesson, even a less than valuable one. Alas, it hasn't done anything for me apart from wasting my time.

I'm not done, but just taking a break. I gave too much. Now I'll relax for a little while.... and hopefully things will return to how they were. If I pass this by completely, I may never find it again, or anything like it. But now I have to pass this by a little bit, but not give up hope on it.

I'm not sure, I just want.... assurance, or something like that

would any members like to ask me any questions about myself. or if they wanted me to answer questions about themselves. just log in to my profile thanks.

It's been 8 years since I've done cocaine. I guess I have to reset the clock tonight, because I had my first couple lines in 8 years... I was heavy into cocaine when I was 16-17, then I stopped and now I'm 25 and love opiates and benzos... I guess when you get older, you mellow out? Who knows.

My friend got this great fucking deal and was willing to share so I was like "Sure!" -- and the rest, my friends who are just strangers staring at a screen, is all history. :D

I was supposed to be getting some fucking oxy and here I am on coke and xanax, like high school... Weird... Not as wonderful as I remember. It's primo coke and it's awesome, don't get me wrong. But it's also compulsive as all hell. I'd take oxycodone over cocaine any day of the week nowadays... I don't miss the comedown at all though, and I'm wondering how that's gonna be... At least I have some more Xanax and Clonazepam.

I have a few notebooks I filled up with cocaine rants... craziness, really... if it wasn't nearly 2am on a Wednesday night/Thursday morning, I'd probably go fish them out of the closet and fucking laugh at myself.

I'm texting a bunch of people because I'm bored as hell and want to shoot the shit with people, but no one is awake <--- I am pathetic, but it's okay, because I have coooooocaaaaaine. :D

Here's a song I fucking love to death:

AGAINST ME! -- How Low
Now I wake up around 4 or 5.
Eat, shower, and get dressed in about an hour's time.
Take my vitamins, check my messages, and call around to some friends,
make plans for dinner and drinks sometime after 9.
Oh we're definitely going to call it in early tonight.
I need to dry out and take some time to clear my mind.
But before you know it here I am again, fucking 2 o'clock in the morning,
standing in a bar, with a drink in hand.

How low can you go before you can't turn around?

Now seriously, this is my last and final time.
Well I'm making some big, big changes in my life.
No, you won't catch me down here again, waiting to score sweaty money palmed in my hand.
What are you cutting this with anyway?
'Cause I have got some really big plans.
And today's the day I'm putting them into action.
But before you know it, here I am again, fucking 6 o'clock in the morning.
Rolled up dollar bill in my hand.

How low can you go before you can't turn around?

I'm sick of feeling like I'm losing my mind.
Sick of doing the same things most nights after night.
Sick of self-loathing and self-absorbtion,
self-destructive narcissism.
I'm sick to death of being constantly fucking sick of.

I don't know who I can trust.
Thought there was us, but no, there is no one.

Everything's not right since I came back to Poland. Then I realized it had been a bad decision to book a plane ticket so imprudently and hastily. The right thing to do was rent a small flat just for myself, I still had 800£, it would do for a deposit and 1 month in advance. Then I would have my own address to use in a bank, in a job centre, and in jobs agencies. One-week worth of working would get me back in the game...

But I'm here back in Poland. I tapered down to 16mg of methadone a day in London. Really! I don't know why it's impossible to do so in Poland. I guess life is a lot less stressful in England because people are more friendly and they don't treat you as if you were a freak when you talk to them on a street etc. I kept taking my regular clonazepam dose of 6mg but at least I didn't take more. Here I managed to increase my regular methadone dose up to 40mg already (not to mention I didn't even think of shooting up in London, good weed and hash kept my thoughts away from it and kept me stabilized at 16mg) and my morning 6mg dose of clonazepam isn't enough to hold me for the whole day so what I take totally per one day is like 10-12mg + some phenazepam. Besides I can't sleep so I take dexbrompheniramine regularly. This makes me look like I was nodding, makes me look like a junkie after a shot.

Now to leave Poland for London I need to finish my driving licence and make some course for warehouse jobs being more available. Otherwise it will be as hard finding job as it was earlier. But these higher doses of medications make me learn much slower, well they make me totally unusable because I walk sleepy and I don't feel like doing anything. At the same time lower doses meant terrible anxiety, chills, sweats, and loose stools. So it's like fucking vicious circle! Well, as long as intravenously it's hetercodeine and levorphanol, it's not dangerous because I don't do them in long binges. The real danger is actually morphine.

So close to a life chance, so close to losing grip totally. I got used to the fact that I have to be by myself, I don't feel all right about it but it's just this way that I can't find a girl that would want a serious relationship. And I became tired of mostly physical relationships long time ago (maybe it's good for 16-year old teens who've just discovered sex).

And I'm falling asleep now as I'm writing this after taking 3mg of dexbrompheniramine making methadone much stronger...

Wow, I slept til noon. Which isn't surprising for me, but lately I've been waking around 930/10 and 11 at the latest.. Today, I could have slept until 1 if I allowed myself to! But just because I didn't want to feel like a complete bum I woke up. Plus, after being in bed all night, after a while, my body starts to hurt from lying down for so long. I get back pain and need to move to the couch, I just can't stay in my bed any longer.. It sucks

I didn't do much of anything today. Had a much needed bum day! Took the dog out around 1230, then layer on the couch literally all day, well, except for taking the dog out three other times during the day.

Bum days are absolutely necessary for me to, well, regain my energy and strength. So tomorrow, I'm having another one

I finally decided to come out of the shadows. I have been a secret addict and tried to hide it from everyone including myself. I enjoy reading about everyone else's using and stories. I came here after a Google search o how to increase the effects of pain pills. I guess I am what I have always loathed, a pill head. I have been using for a while and have fucked up a few peoples life. I have lost a lot of personal relationships and have always made some story in my head to place the blame on the other person, never me. I guess I had to rationalize it to myself some how. I don't remember when this started, but it had to be before 21. I was in prison for a non drug related non violent reason (thinking back, it had everything to do with drugs and I did not even know it myself until recently) its the only time I have ever been in trouble with the law (or caught by them I should say) and I was locked away for four years. I am now 32 and have two boys. I have lost my mother (she died two years ago) and my life has gone crazy out of control since then. I feel guilty now because I know she sees a side of me now that while she was living she never did. I know also that I got my addictive personality from both my mom and my alcoholic father. I ruined some great relationships. my little sister is an addict too, but as I have done, she has hid it and admitted to no one (including herself) she is an addict. I see it because its what I am doing. My family will never believe this of her and she uses me to blame stuff on so my "family" are fast to blame me and believe her lies over mine. I guess its good that I am a chicken shit. It has kept me from using more than I do. In fear of over dosing. I have not shot up (thought about it) because of fear of infection and getting things in my vein that shouldn't be. so instead, I have faked illness to go to e.r and get an IV so they shoot it for me. I must be good because they believe me most of the time and admit me with a huge dose of meds every three hours in the IV usually for three to five days and then discharge me with a large prescription. I don't even know if I want to stop as I enjoy it too much. It eases the mental pain. I guess I am using this blog to get my own thoughts in order. My mother always said I should write a book about my life, and maybe I will. This is more therapeutic than I thought it would be. Ok, I will try and keep up with this on a daily basis, but this is enough for today and I have to go and take my meds.

Lazy, useless, asshole.

Will not be going back to school next semester. Sigh. How do I manage to get a B in my difficult class and a WU in my easy class? Oh, right, by not showing up... I guess my High School Guidance Counselor was right... College just isn't for me. Thanks for leaving me with that stuck in my mind, you fucking monkey looking, green banana eating beast of a woman...

I'm so depressed. I spent the last 3 days in bed, coming off oxycodone the first day and the past 2 just being miserable.

I'm freezing cold, my nose is running, I gave myself a sinus infection from snorting all of that Roxy, my liver is probably going to give out because I don't CWE Percocet because I'm afraid of losing the precious oxy with any of the Tylenol...

Sometimes I wish I would come down with some terrible disease or get into some horrible accident where I can spend the rest of my days in an opiate stupor and at least there would be a reason for it.

But that's a fucked up thing to say, especially because I'm just wasting my youth... As they say, youth is wasted on the young... Plus I'm not even that young anymore and it isn't cute... I just wish I had some sense of purpose. I'm just rotting from the inside out.

I met this 29 year old chick in my town today through a friend.... She had added me on facebook and we talked then decided to meet up. So anyways I decide to do so.... She seemed really cool and we clicked so I said why not? She ended up being really nice and all....we really got along and what not. So long story short she just got out of rehab not to long ago and she told me she was addicted to heroin but got clean but now is using again. We started talking about our drug use and what not... She said she got clean because of her baby boy (omg she has a son.... she has a kid). She then says she only wants to use it occasionally so she won't become addicted again (omg woman don't we all say this). Then we talk and she takes out a bag and offers me some. Stupid me decides to take a couple fucking bumps. Mother of fucking God.... I'm snorting heroin.

We end up having a good time and all.. She tells me she's happy to make a new friend and we will hangout again. We also decided we would go to Philadelphia and cop together. Yeah, that all seemed like a good idea then but now it has hit me..... What have I set myself up for? I now have a chick who wants to be friends and uses dope.... And you know hanging out won't be about just going to the movies or arts and crafts...maybe in the twilight zone but now it will just be all about chasing that high. So now I'm scared out of my mind. I know if I make friends with her I'm going to start using and I told myself I would stay away from opiates. I take roxicodone occasionally now and stay away from oxycontin but long behold I am messing with heroin now. I wanted to but then again I didn't... Its an inner battle that I fight everyday. One part of me wants to be self destructive and the other part of me doesn't want to be.

I don't know how this happened... Maybe I was searching for it and now I got it. My life has been complete shit lately and I don't give a fuck anymore so maybe that's why I'm doing all this shit again. Yet, something inside of me is saying stop now while you're ahead but then I know I'm not going to. Why do I choose to use instead of moving on with my life and making something out of it? The sad thing is I'm not worried about dying but I'm worried about causing others pain. Isn't that fucked up... I was always the good daughter (for the most part), the one who didn't ever want to use drugs or even touch a cigarette. What the fuck happened to her? I was on the honor roll the HIGH honor roll and got accepted to Penn State but threw that all away. I know I can move on and do bigger and better things but instead I keep digging myself into a hole that I can't get out of. I'm disappointed in myself and it makes me more depressed than I already am.... I don't get why I have to use drugs. I know I started using them to help with the shitty aspects of my life but they actually just make it worst in the end.

I'm eighteen years old and I should be worrying about other things. Not about getting high or where I'm going to get that money for me to get high. Shit, getting a job was the worst idea ever because all I use the money for is on drugs. ( Well, clothes too but if its not clothes its drugs.) I should be worrying about going back to school and what not.. I guess ill see what happens and where I end up going, if anywhere.

I remember that time in health class when our teacher had us raise our hand for when we think we would die. I raised it for 60 something but inside I really wanted to raise it for 21.

I love football. More than your average girl. Just sitting here watching the Saints @ 49ERs waiting for the Pats/Broncos game to start. I really want to see Saints @ Patriots. I'm a big Pat's fan, always will be, but recently I've been following the Saints too. I really enjoy watching their Offensive line.. Colston, Sproles, Graham, Meachem and Pierre Thomas. I just like them. Never been to New Orleans, never even been to Louisiana even.. but I really like them. Can't say I like Brees though because Brady is definitely stuck in my heart (not in a "oh he's so hot" kinda way though).

But, the 49ERs literally just got their game-ending touchdown. BOO. Well, at least I'll be able to boo indefinitely when the Pat's opponent scores next week and won't be happy if it's a Colston or Sproles TD! At least I can really show disappointment or worry if the Patriots are losing and won't have to secretly be happy either way!

Kick off! Well, good luck to the Pats! My brother is at the game. Lucky him, although I wouldn't want to go. There's something about sitting in below 10 degrees weather for 4 hours around screaming drunks that doesn't seem appealing. (Wow! Patriots TD not even two minutes into the game! Awesome. This is gonna be a good one!). I despise obnoxiously loud drunks. In fact I don't even like yelling in general. I'm a very quiet person. I never yell, guess that's why. I don't even like when the person next to me is yelling. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy going to sporting events despite obnoxiously loud drunks. It's more the cold weather that bothers me.

I hate hate hate the cold! Totally with I were still in Miami for this winter. Although if given the choice, I would rathe suffer through the cold and be here all winter long and be with my friends, than be down there in the warmth knowing no one at all and having nothing to do! I'll take my friends and family any day! Not even a hard decision there.

My friends, and family, have been so great to me these past two years or so that they saved my life. I believe it was them that helped me through this tough recovery and I wish I were good at saying thank you and showing gratitude. I don't know how to thank people as they deserve. If I could, I'd be on my hands and knees washing their paths with a toothbrush for everything they've done for me. If I only knew how to say that without sounding like I'm over-exaggerating and like I'm just saying it to be nice. I've definitely thanked them, I just wish I could show them somehow. Though for some reason I think deep down they know how grateful I am to have them in my life.

If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be home enjoying this football game!

Go Pats!! Woowoo!

Im new here. I do drugs, in meth ight now. But, ive noticed multiple people saying please help i overdosed almost died it was a tagety!! The nexy sentance says, "yeah man i shot up a gleaming 8 ball of pure candy cut with mescaline. My heart almost stopped. Bob Marley was singing to me and my family thought I was going to die. It was almost as good as when i shot up pure tar and got in a car wreck. BUT wow that tar was mad sticky. BUT seriously I'm upset and frightened it was the best shit ive ever seenonce it hit my veign I knew it was heaven??? My fav was crying because my face was blue and i was in a coma after snorting 4 oxy cotton 80's at once, the badass red ones? Im getting more now. " Please give me advice on how to cope with my pure pure beautiful candy eight shot i did." I even wrecked into a tree, please can you help me on how to fix my car? Those oxys were BADASS.

Dude, yall are bragging and then asking for help saying it was tragic. Grow up. Drug discussion is great! Overdose can be very hard to cope and we should talk about it. Dont ask for help if you dont really want it. It was tragic?? Makes no sense. Im an addict but only any idiot would od and think that they were cool. I found MULIPLES of these weird cries for help? Drugs are great but REALLY?
Annoyyed and tired in tx

Finally, after days, 3 have managed to restore signal so that I can use my dongle and access the internet through my laptop instead of my android. My vodafone signal is not particularly great in the flat either, so doing anything online was pretty difficult. It's fine though... I don't use the internet much apart from chatting to some friends on facebook or coming on here to see what the latest is.

It's so fucking cold at the moment it's unreal. I thought the winter would be mild but there's a ferocious chill in the air and I'm struggling to heat the flat. There's one storage heater in the whole place so I've got a halogen heater in my room and in the living room. I don't even have a bath so there's nowhere to submerge myself in warmth... although it's probably good as it would cost a fortune to heat a bath's worth of water every night. Sometimes I think I should move but I've got so comfortable in this space. It's a tiny flat, would probably fit in most people's living rooms... but it's a safe place for me to hide from the world and that's what I need. I've got an electric blanket on my bed so that will keep me warm tonight, and if I wear socks and keep the hood on my dressing gown up I shouldn't wake up chilly in the night.

Going back to work wasn't quite as bad as I feared, but I still worry that something will go wrong. I'm trying very hard to keep what confidence I've got as this appears to be the way to get through the days without crumbling. There's nothing really wrong with me... just that usual yearning feeling that I can't quite shift. My heart's still heavy but I don't know why.

I've not got anyone special in my life. I feel like my heart just kind of shut down and it feels safer to go through life without someone. There's no point sharing life with someone unless they're special and I've just not met anyone that fulfilled me in any way like Alan did all those years ago. I miss him terribly. We're probably very different in a lot of ways to the way that we used to be. Sometimes I feel sad because I feel like there's a lot of things about me now that he would probably like more than he did then. It's shit how things work out.

Well, I'm fucking freezing, and I am up early tomorrow as Sarah's got an hour to work back... I'm so skint I need to get a lift in with her so I am gonna try and catch up on my workload. How fucking dedicated lickety split. Working for the man. Meh.

Sometimes I feel a bit dead inside. What happened to the wondrous things in life? There was a time where simple things made my life doubly good. Now I feel like I'm sleepwalking through life.

Well, not really a Wonderland, but it snowed tonite!!! Yay! My first snow storm at home since, well, I've been home! But, tonight was a huge milestone! It was Dollie's first snow, ever! (my 7 1/2 yr old Miniature Dachshund). I rescued her in Miami, and this is her first winter in the North. She is absolutely hating the cold!

Well, tonight, it finally snowed! I put her little doggy-I'm-a-thug sweatshirt on her, (it's two sizes too big for her so she looks like she's gong to rob a bank wearing it) put the hood over her head, and my dad and I grabbed the cameras! It was going to be a very memorable night!

I had to carry her down the steps because they were too slippery for her to go down them, I didn't want her falling on her face. So I put her down in about a cm. of snow.. Surprisingly, she didn't turn around and run back up the stairs like she does if it's too cold for her! She actually walked, more like waddled, into the middle of the street and circled and circled, went up on the neighbors lawn, circled around more and kept trying to sit down to find a place for her business. It was adorable! She was trying and trying! Took her like five minutes to finally decide where to go!

We got her to walk around for a bit more until finally she said F-this, I'm goin home!! Then she waddled home...

She made me so proud, I know what a mother feels like when their child does something new for the first time! I was teary..my little baby is growing up ;(

Can't wait to play in the snow with her again in the am!

Hope it snows more tomorrow!

The past little while, I have been MIA for a reason... I fell off the wagon and I really didn't mean to. I tore the meniscus in my knee and had surgery, so I was back on
the lortab again. During that time, I also switched doctors. I either had to get back on xanax or it was the end of my job, so I went to this doc that my boss highly
recommended. At first, I was impressed. He put me back on gabapentin (the lyrica is total fail IMHO) and really seemed to be concerned. That is, until I asked if I might
need a higher dose. Suddenly, it was as if I was a med-seeker. I had one of my bad back spells and went in to see what he could do. Usually when this happens, a run of
prednisone and maybe lortab do the trick. I asked about the pred (mistake #1), but he just gave me lortab 5's which are useless. I ran out and the pain was still insane, so I called him. Well, all he told me was that I needed physical therapy and I'd feel better. A few months later, I got sick and went in. He flat out refused to even give mea prescription cough syrup! Told me to take OTC stuff. Wow. I could have saved my money for other things.

That was the last time I went.

So, last week, I went to this nurse practitioner a friend spoke highly of. That was a HUGE disaster. Because I feared I would appear to be doctor shopping, I didn't tell this
person that I had seen the other doctor. She originally gave me a prescription for clonazepam (I had a panic attack at work one day and need to be on anxiety meds),
but for some reason, she kept stalling when I asked about filling my adderall. She left the exam room and then came back in a few minutes later with a printout.
Suddenly, she shouts at me, asking me if I am just trying to find someone to prescribe my controlled substances. She said, "you think you are pretty smart don't you?
You didn't know I could pull all the records of all the controlled drugs you have filled, huh?" I tried to level with this psycho, telling her I was afraid of looking like a doctor shopper,
that I wanted to find a doc that I could trust and actually communicate with. Well, she took back the prescriptions she wrote, telling me I didn't deserve them and that
we would need to work together more in order for her to trust me.

Now, I'm off my adderall and have been for two months. It sucks. I'm driving myself crazy. I've been smoking weed in order to mellow myself out. And I'm freaked over
that, too. If I go back to the nurse practitioner, I KNOW she's gonna drug test me. Last thing I want is to end up in rehab. If I go to yet another doctor, I can guarantee
my insurance company is going to start to wonder what the hell is going on.

THIS SUCKS!!! I've been working my ass off trying not to abuse the lortab I have had and never take my adderall other than prescribed. A 30 day supply often lasts me
60 days because I don't take it unless I'm at work or school. I take xanax as an "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass" sort of way. Yet, I'm a druggie and don't deserve
the medication that keeps me balanced.

Hello, I am a sophomore and seeking to be a crime scene investigator. I am interested in legal aspects, probation, corrections, criminal investigation and criminal defense. I will be getting my associates degree in the Fall!!! I am not inteo those who ae familiar. Also scored around 98% on the written examines. Hey, did I watch too much CSI? Hahah. I will not be interested in routine police work. I study the penal code as if it were a bible. I LOVE crime scene investigation and recieved two first place trophies in college LAE competetion in which I took lead investigator in both. This is a college Criminal Justice competetion nationally which covers all types off police work and CJ related. Always cracked the cases, impressed the judges and dominated the competitions and written examines. BUT I cannot handle a lot of blood, guts, dead people or traumatic images. I can watch anything on TV. I can crack these cases with ease because they werent REAL dead bodies or trajities I want to do crime scene investigation in the dallas tx area. Anyone with prior experiance in this field, Will I get used to the blood and gore so that I can use my talent to save lives? I have considered the other CJ jobs that are to offer but it seems I have a talent in this field. Where should I start fresh out of college? In a law office until I decide? Some say I will get used to the images and it will not be difficult it will become my job and I will succeed due to my 2 National Trophies. I can handle some gore, I have seen a lot. But it's hard. Dead children? Bodies scattered around a room...I just dont know. It will be my duty to save lives and prosecute the criminals with ease. I'm quick on my feet, and have some nautral talent for investigating and handling emergencies. Will I be seeing these dead children in my dreams? College student. Unsure. Anyone with experiance in this or the medical field please give advice.

ALSO, any members of Lambda Alpha Epsilon feel free to comment here. I am with the Lambda Chi Chapter. Also enjoyed written examines for juvinial justice and corrections. I just took a year off to have my son. Ready to graduate in the Fall but still unsure of where to start. I get different answers from everyone almost. LAE members post your stories and talents!!! I learned so much through this Fraternity and made lifelong friends. A highlight of short college career

I've checked up the prices of small flats in North West London, I mean the area with good underground and bus connection. It's not that bad actually, 100£ for a single room, 120£ for two persons. I just need someone to move in with me. I don't understand people, I guess it's already in mentality of Poles they're afraid. I asked a lot of people that I know they can't do anything here and nobody wants to go. And the knowledge of English is not the problem. Most of my friends are female, I'm not currently with anyone sadly. I'm offering as a friend of course and they know it. I lived with girls in London before and it wasn't like something happened. Well, there are still 2 people, both girls. But the first one has just turned 18 and I guess her parents won't let her go although she can decide for herself. The other one isn't Polish and lives outside the EU, a visa may be a problem. Yeah, and both are my ex-gfs. Anyway, I can maintain friendship with the vast majority of my ex-girlfriends, and there are no problems. It's definitely not as if we never were together, the feeling is still different than if e.g. we never slept together. God, I don't want to live alone so much. It's not about that extra money I'd have to pay because it's not much. My whole life now is like loneliness...

I don't know where I'm going... My lifes been at a dead end for awhile. I don't even know what I want anymore... What I'm looking for out of life if anything at all? Sometimes I just want to pack a backpack and leave. I've been thinking about it for awhile now and I think I may just do it. After January 25th I have no obligations except for going to work whenever I'm scheduled but I've been thinking fuck it lately. Why go to work anymore? I just need to leave but then I tell myself no you can't throw that away. Yet, being where I am now is not helping and I hate having to drag myself out of bed to only live a life I don't care to live.. No not a suicidal comment but I want more out of life. I want to do the things I was going to do but I don't think I can accomplish it where I am now. So I'm going to decide whether or not I'm going to just leave. Leave all this bullshit behind and actually live for me and not for others.

Sometimes living with one parent and seeing that person everyday can take a toll. Little annoyances can become huge problems. I don't know why such small things bother me. I'm easily annoyed. I stayed in my room for two hours before getting up so I could watch tv while you were doing whatever it is you were doing, you had your crappy music playing on the stereo, so I gave you some time. Two hours later, I came out to play nintendo, and you were such a dick. There's a radio in the bathroom, on your phone, your computer, you could have turned the radio on anywhere instead you were a jerk and said "no Im listening to it!" and made me sit there with my headphones on watching Netflix on my iPad and wouldn't let me play nintendo.

I sat on the couch ALL DAY yesterday (11-6pm) watching you play Wii and I never once asked to change it. Today while you were so rudely hogging the tv set again, I asked to use it and you were a dick.. let's not even mention how you left the floor and went to the attic for two hours and didn't even say "oh I'm going upstairs you can play nintendo now". I'm sick of living with someone so inconsiderate.

I know, I'm whining, but you do shit like this all the time. I wish I had the strength to confront you. Tell you not to be such a fucking jerk. You're so self centered sometimes.

I always watch what you want to watch, take for instance NOW. You were fast asleep napping in your room, and I was on the couch watching Desperate Housewives, with every intention of watching Pan Am afterwards. You came out and watched half of Desperate Housewives with me (I had to start it late because I walked the dog). And when you bitched and complained the whole time through it, you said well CSI: Miami is on, let's watch that, so I had to give up the rest of DH, and now we're watching this dumb show (Horatio is terrible! It's SO fake).. and you're not even paying attention! You're sitting on your computer playing games and watching youTube videos. SERIOUSLY. What a jerk! Could you be any less self-centered? Aaahh. I know, I'm being a bitch, and it's not that big of a deal, but it is, not when you do this every fucking night. I'm set up to watch what I want to and you come out and take over the TV, we watch what you want to, and you NEVER pay attention!!

There you go, on your phone playing games AND your computer at the same time, you don't even know what's going on. I could be watching Pan Am and be happy right now and you wouldn't even know the difference. (I know I know, I could just go in my room, but I physically cannot sit in my bed for so long watching TV or else I won't be able to sleep, really terrible back pain and the bone loss makes my bones so sore if I'm in the same position for so long, also, my room is too small for a chair or to sit anywhere other than the bed, so the living room and couch is my only option).

So it sounds like I'm just bitching and moaning, but really.. you need to stop being such a jack-ass and have some consideration for other people, because you never do! I ask you to watch the dog for 2 minutes while I go to the store and get YOU a chocolate bar and drink, I come back, and she's eating fucking two day old pizza you let fall on the floor and didn't bother to pick up! You're lucky she didn't get sick, you couldn't stop playing your stupid computer game for TWO minutes and watch the dog for me? WOW. I prove my point. And don't think I forgot about all the times you finish everything: chips, cookies, snacks, right in front of me and don't even bother to say "oh, want one before finish them?" That is the epitome of cruel!

All I want to say is, "Have a little compassion, be a little more caring, think about other people", maybe people will be nicer to you...

(I promise you, I'm not really a jerk, this is coming from months, even years of frustration... damn, I can't wait til I am healthy and can move out and be on my own!)

I've been on suboxon for 3 months recently ran out I don't know anyone in this area looking for someone with a home remidy to help me out.... is anyone out there

Unless taken with some other substance, like alcohol, Mdma, amphetamine, 4-FA, or hydrocodone, weed can cause me to view things about myself in a way I find very uncomfortable. I take an extreme notice/realization of my behaviors and thoughts and can't stand to see myself as presented in my mind while on weed, by itself. But there are still times I enjoy it by itself, in small amounts.. I've even had good experiences after smoking large amounts of different high quality strains, but the way I see my daily life and my life in recent years will disturb me and make the mental aspect very uncomfortable.. Unless mixed with the drugs mentioned above, or similar drugs, I can't enjoy weed 100% of the time because it shows me too much of myself from a seemingly pessimistic outlook... I had JWH-018 a long time ago, it was a similar in relation to mental guilt and introspection but amplified 100x.. Quite simply the worst drug experience of my life.

I discovered I have my very own blog.

I can't bear how tense I have become. The clock marks empty hours as I pace, in search of something that never comes to me. The tightness in my chest betrays the voice in my head that tells me I am wrong. It's like waiting for a telegram to tell you that a loved one died at war. A text message could end this, but I am not brave enough to try. The televisions mindless drone fills me with tedium. I don't know what is coming and I wish I knew. I long for the comfort of a human embrace. But the one I need is unlikely to read this. My heart has reverted. I am delving through years past. And drowning for the wordsmith that filled my heart.