Everything's not right since I came back to Poland. Then I realized it had been a bad decision to book a plane ticket so imprudently and hastily. The right thing to do was rent a small flat just for myself, I still had 800£, it would do for a deposit and 1 month in advance. Then I would have my own address to use in a bank, in a job centre, and in jobs agencies. One-week worth of working would get me back in the game...
But I'm here back in Poland. I tapered down to 16mg of methadone a day in London. Really! I don't know why it's impossible to do so in Poland. I guess life is a lot less stressful in England because people are more friendly and they don't treat you as if you were a freak when you talk to them on a street etc. I kept taking my regular clonazepam dose of 6mg but at least I didn't take more. Here I managed to increase my regular methadone dose up to 40mg already (not to mention I didn't even think of shooting up in London, good weed and hash kept my thoughts away from it and kept me stabilized at 16mg) and my morning 6mg dose of clonazepam isn't enough to hold me for the whole day so what I take totally per one day is like 10-12mg + some phenazepam. Besides I can't sleep so I take dexbrompheniramine regularly. This makes me look like I was nodding, makes me look like a junkie after a shot.
Now to leave Poland for London I need to finish my driving licence and make some course for warehouse jobs being more available. Otherwise it will be as hard finding job as it was earlier. But these higher doses of medications make me learn much slower, well they make me totally unusable because I walk sleepy and I don't feel like doing anything. At the same time lower doses meant terrible anxiety, chills, sweats, and loose stools. So it's like fucking vicious circle! Well, as long as intravenously it's hetercodeine and levorphanol, it's not dangerous because I don't do them in long binges. The real danger is actually morphine.
So close to a life chance, so close to losing grip totally. I got used to the fact that I have to be by myself, I don't feel all right about it but it's just this way that I can't find a girl that would want a serious relationship. And I became tired of mostly physical relationships long time ago (maybe it's good for 16-year old teens who've just discovered sex).
And I'm falling asleep now as I'm writing this after taking 3mg of dexbrompheniramine making methadone much stronger...
But I'm here back in Poland. I tapered down to 16mg of methadone a day in London. Really! I don't know why it's impossible to do so in Poland. I guess life is a lot less stressful in England because people are more friendly and they don't treat you as if you were a freak when you talk to them on a street etc. I kept taking my regular clonazepam dose of 6mg but at least I didn't take more. Here I managed to increase my regular methadone dose up to 40mg already (not to mention I didn't even think of shooting up in London, good weed and hash kept my thoughts away from it and kept me stabilized at 16mg) and my morning 6mg dose of clonazepam isn't enough to hold me for the whole day so what I take totally per one day is like 10-12mg + some phenazepam. Besides I can't sleep so I take dexbrompheniramine regularly. This makes me look like I was nodding, makes me look like a junkie after a shot.
Now to leave Poland for London I need to finish my driving licence and make some course for warehouse jobs being more available. Otherwise it will be as hard finding job as it was earlier. But these higher doses of medications make me learn much slower, well they make me totally unusable because I walk sleepy and I don't feel like doing anything. At the same time lower doses meant terrible anxiety, chills, sweats, and loose stools. So it's like fucking vicious circle! Well, as long as intravenously it's hetercodeine and levorphanol, it's not dangerous because I don't do them in long binges. The real danger is actually morphine.
So close to a life chance, so close to losing grip totally. I got used to the fact that I have to be by myself, I don't feel all right about it but it's just this way that I can't find a girl that would want a serious relationship. And I became tired of mostly physical relationships long time ago (maybe it's good for 16-year old teens who've just discovered sex).
And I'm falling asleep now as I'm writing this after taking 3mg of dexbrompheniramine making methadone much stronger...
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
