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It has crossed my mind many times before.. It seems like the right thing to do sometimes, yet I always find a reason not to. Right now I'm fighting that urge or even the thought of it. I have too many things to do in life, before I go.. I'm sick of feeling suicidal and I think it's time to forget about the feelings and what makes me feel that way because there are people in my life who would be left with too many questions. Whenever I go it won't be deliberately by my own hands, I have to much to do in life to decide for myself when my end will be.

Think I am going to take some co-dydramol and watch a movie. I don't want to be in my own head today. All I do is turn over thoughts like stones looking for the answers to everything. It's impossible. Feels like a storm is coming, internally.

i have no clue what to say anyone here

It's become an impossible game of join the dots. I am starting to think I am barking up the wrong tree. Yet my instinct makes me stay alert. I am trying so hard to figure out the truth but I can't. I want to know. Is it him? Can I help him? I just need to know.

I was born to compose unsophisticated gibberatics, a continuous interpretation of some rhetorical persuasion quite glaringly outwith any specific context relevant to the utterance itself. It is this desire to put effect before structure that makes me insufficiently equipped to arrive at a knowledge of writing above that of banal chaotic negativity. It's assumed my natural diversity may resemble the tactics of a civil disobedience rather than a creative adjustment of the commodity we use like a fetish.

I'll never be educated enough to charm the world with juxtapositions lashed to every sentence in essayistic celebration nor agitated enough to graduate from armchair revolutionist to historical complexity. By the age of 10 I had won many regional essay writing awards, national poetry competitions and was voted local fiction writer of the year (aged 12 and under) by a panel of literary critics including the tremendously gifted wordsmith...Giles Brandreth!!??

(sigh) Fast forward about 30 years and here I am....still writing shite philosophical debris of incoherent disorientated absurdities. I make nobody seethe with envy for my bullshit literature. A plethora of rejection slips and discouraging reviews of my work keep me grounded. I am an oddity, a clumsy contemporary, accidental bookish balladeer.

wierd title from me because I wasn´t here before.... aaaaaanyhuu... I was released back to community from local correctional facility just a few hours ago, and I am still adjusting.... so BACK THE FUCK UP!!!! ..daddy needs to calm down...(?)

Where was I ?! ..oh´yeah, I was supposed to write a small piece on Inmate medicating in Finland.
well... I really don´t know how or where to begin, cause whole healthcare in prison is a mess, or at it´s best: a joke.
And somehow I think that it is the same everywhere in the world... but what makes Finland stand out? it is the sickening lack of corruption in this otherwise nice country.
In laymans terms: Everywhere else, you can buy whatever medication you feel yuo need, some underpaid officer will gladly help you out... but not here, not in finland...
Basic system goes like this... as you get sent to jail here, you can kiss your medication goodbye, whatever may it be, and start planning how to survive on nothing but a selection of neuroleptic chems from 1945 and an asperin once in two days...

good luck!! ...i will get back to this ´bloggin thing´ when I have something more fun to share...
meanwhile I´ll be researching with some tryptamines and with a few(to me)new stimulants.

Until the next time... Keep your whiskers clean, my little lab-rats!!!

Guess who.

So..most of you actually don't know.. A year ago (Jan 21, 2011), I received a liver transplant. Monday, I had bloodwork, normally done 1-2 times a week. I've been having complications and a longer recovery time due to infections, inability to gain weight, etc. So my function tests have been below normal, which, is normal on the road to recovery.. I guess. (Weird huh?)

Anywhom, fast forward to today: Drs appointment...

Results: Liver fxn tests are NORMAL! Woohoo!!

Yay!! Also, I am up to over 110 lbs now (well, with three layers of shirts and two pants)! After surgery I went down to 80 lbs, so a huge obstacle for me was gaining weight. I couldn't eat much, so that wasn't helping. But now, my appetite is worse than my dad's!! I am eating like triple what I have last month! yAy!!

All I have to do is stay like this, and then I'm good!

Wish me luck!

I am sick as hell right now... And not for the reason why I've been for the past few days...

Rather than feeling sick from *not* having any opiates, I have now learned that you can get sick from having, *gasp* .. too MUCH! 8)

My usual source of lortabs skipped out on me this weekend, so I called up another family member to see if they could help me out. Very, very generous and sympathetic, this woman... Suffering from a broken hip and severe back problems, she receives large amounts of Dilaudid 4's and (apparently) Roxies, which she was happy to supply me with a surplus of... I honestly was not expecting to walk out of that house with 34 D's and 4 other tiny blue pills that I didn't notice were mixed in until I got home, at which point my reaction was "... are those...?!" A quick Google image ID confirmed my suspicion that they were, in fact, 30mg Roxies... Having never had such an amount of oxy before, I nearly shit my pants at this golden opportunity... Literally, because I'd been hiding my withdrawals pretty good up until that point...

The only time I've ever had oxy was in the form of two 5mg percs, and they did jack shit for me as my tolerance for hydrocodone was sky high at the time... I figured that, based on this one past experience, that the two chemicals' strengths were similar enough that I could get a good kick out of the same dose I would normally take the hydro in-- 60mg, or only 2 of these delicious little blue pills rather than a handful of inferior yellow ones...

... Oh, my naivete...

I got my kick and then some, and was on absolute top of the fucking world for a while... By the time they were starting to wear down, my intelligent self figured it would be a good idea to squirt 3 of the D's up my ass... ... and it was at that point that it all went down hill. As soon as the D's started to kick in, all I could think was "... oh dear..."

So I laid down for a few minutes to try and quell the resulting intense nausea, and it worked for a while... And then I stood back up...

I can only say that I am thankful the bathroom is right outside my bedroom, and that my roommate wasn't home... I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning with the second worst headache of my entire life, and TL;DR = I will never take anywhere near that much oxy ever again... I have gained a newfound respect for these chemicals... For all you guys out there that pop like 2 or 300mg of this shit a day, I imagine you had to work pretty hard to gain that sort of tolerance... You can have it, I've learned my lesson...

This article describes three methods to complete dell password recovery in Windows operating system such as Windows 7/Vista/XP, reset dell password without lose anything. From now on, you don’t need to worry about:
1. What can I do when forgot dell admin password?
2. How to reset dell laptop password if I lost dell password or my dell password is expired?
3. I have bought an old dell laptop but did not know the Windows password.

Commonly, we can try three great solutions to reset dell password when we forgot dell password. Take it easy, have a cup of coffee and begin.

Solution 1: Reset dell password by another account with admin privileges.

1. Login dell laptop as administrator when you want to reset a forgotten user password.
2. Click “start” and select “control panel”, click user accounts and click “Manage another account” to access the user account which you want to reset its password. If you’re prompted for an administrator password or confirmation, type the password or provide confirmation.
3. Click “change the password” and type your new password, type your new password again to confirm it, and then Click “OK” to complete dell laptop password reset.

Solution 2: Reset dell Windows password with Windows password reset disk.

Usually we can create a Windows password reset disk in Windows 7, Windows Vista and Windows XP. This is a great gift given by Microsoft that we can use it to reset a lost dell password instantly and it is free. Of course, the password reset disk was created for a certain account password, you must create a new one when you change the password. Now let us start resetting dell admin password for step-by-step. Here we take Windows 7 password reset disk for example:
If you ready have a reset disk, please follow steps below:

Step1: Start/restart your computer, insert a blank USB drive. In the welcome screen, press ctrl+alt+delete twice, get into the log on box. Then type the user name that you want to use and a wrong password or leave it blank, then press ENTER or click OK. It will show you logon failed and there is a password hint “reset password”.

Step2: Click “Reset password” it will show you the “Password Reset Wizard”. Click “Next” to continue.

Step 3: Choose the disk which you just inserted, click “Next”.

Step 4: Type a new password in the Type a new password box, and then type the password again to confirm it. In the Type a new password hint box, type a hint for the password or not, and then click “Next→Finish”.

Step 5: Try to log on to Windows 7 again when use the new password you just set.

Solution 3: Use professional password recovery tool to recover dell password.

If the two solutions cannot help you reset forgotten dell password, no matter what your dell Windows system is，Windows 7/vista/XP. Do not worry, we can use dell password recovery tool to complete this task. Windows Password Rescuer is designed for resetting dell Windows 7/vista/XP password. What you should do is prepare a bootable CD/DVD or USB drive and a computer you have access to. Follow four steps help you reset dell windows password without lose anything:

Note: You also can use Windows Password Rescuer to reset Windows 2008/2003/2000 local or domain password easily by these steps on dell computer.

Step 1: Download and install Windows Password Rescuer on another computer you have access to.

Step 2: Run the software to create a Windows password recovery disk. You just need to burn it to a blank CD/DVD or USB drive.

Step 3: Insert the Windows password recovery disk to your dell laptop or dell computer, and set the computer boot from the password recovery disk by BIOS setting.
If you have trouble in BIOS setting, refer to:
How to set computer boot from CD/DVD.
How to set computer boot from USB drive.
Step 4: After boot from the password recovery disk, Windows Password Rescuer will start up and display a friendly operating window. Then you can reset whichever account password of your dell computer just by a few clicks.

Clear Pores skin cleansing system suggestions will assist you to discover the proper means of washing your face. Bear in mind the 1st thing that you just do when you get up while in the early morning will be to wash your confront, why? primarily since you want your face to search thoroughly clean. Your confront is the initially point people evaluate when they meet you, either at do the job, for the save or any place you go. Do you realize that washing your face is a component of cleaning your body? Your skin protects you 24 hours from hazardous infections and bacteria. Consequently clear pores skin cleansing strategies will help the skin to function correctly like is supposed to. Here are some very simple tips for the everyday cleanliness:


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Psychological body-image investigation persistently demonstrates that healthful skin could be the number 1 trait that individuals identify with splendor. At both personalized and social levels, healthful skin plays a critical position in the healthful psychological daily life of individuals. Also, the social relations amongst folks are known to target on visual appeal, which means that healthy skin is one of the key elements toward making superior initially impressions. Your self-confidence plays an incredibly significant part toward a healthy psychological perception of all by yourself.

Modern-day scientist recognized that acne is amongst the most important health care complications of our time, plus they said dozens of experiments to find a single therapy which functions for everyone, no matter the type of skin 1 has. You could possibly believe each one of these experiments are made with chemical substances which may have unwanted effects, but don't be concerned, several of those cures are easy, very easy to use purely natural acne treatments.

Crossposted from another thread. Names removed out of sheer politeness.





Thank you, Mask Man.

I'm in love with adderall (dextroamphetamine saccharate, dextroamphetamine sulfate, racemic amphetamine aspartate monohydrate, and racemic amphetamine sulfate). I hate the term 'adderall' adderall, by the way, but there's not a bull dyke rats chance in hell that I'm saying dextroamphetamine saccharate, dextroamphetamine sulfate, racemic amphetamine aspartate monohydrate, and racemic amphetamine sulfate every time the word pops up in phonetic discource.

I cannot fucking BELIEVE that I suffered through high school distraught, confused, and miserable because I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to participate in anything.

You'd think a gaggle of half-whit teachers who complain everyday about how "smart I am but why don't you get good grades?" would figure out that I had inattentive a.d.d.



I'd be sitting in the back ignoring the math lesson because I couldn't possibly get interested in a subject like that without forced intention and medication; reading War and Peace, Heart of Darkness, Finnegans Wake, Junky, etc etc.

Gym too. What a bunch of bullshit that was. Yeah lets turn a bunch of immature clique-mongers onto something that involves competition and then expect them to go back to their studies without brooding on being picked on by some asshole who can kick a soccer ball slightly better than you can, even though you've no logical reason to kick a soccer ball.

I sat on the bleachers and read books everyday. The public schools in this country are a fucking joke and it's not by some stroke of bad luck, it's systematic and fucked.
/rant.

Now. It's clonazapam, dexamphetamine, gabapentin, pregabalin, and 2 quick lagers to the rescue!

Off to work. See you in 6 hours.

End installment one.______________________________________

[COLOR="#FF0000" said:

snip[/COLOR]?;10237483]How experienced are you with use of amphetamines for functional enhancement? If we were to try to generalize solely from first-time amphetamine users at hour 2 of effects, we'd think these drugs absolute panaceas.

<snip>

Click to expand...

I've been on my fair share of stimulants before for my crazy. I've over ten years experience with plenty of stimulants including a mindless 3 month binge on cocaine at the age of 16 that yielded me 3 ounces which I promptly snorted every change I got (affected positively my horrid social phobia and taught me to interact and talk with strangers). As far as my last 6 month stint with adderall (IR's this time) I didn't have the proper anxiety medication I have now, and was still on SNRI's that took 4 years of protracted withdrawal to get over.

The adderall actually makes me nothing but productive, when coupled with the regimen I'm on. I've been tinkering around 14 years trying to pinpoint my absolute symptoms and research pharmacology, brain science, and any and all potential medicines that could possibly provide for me a functional life (living in this isolated culture we all share).

Right now I have strong resolve and determinationesque goals. I've got huge changes happening currently and it's beyond stressful but I'm absolutely content and functional. First time in my life that's happed, I've been on them a week and a half.

I take breaks every now and then, but I also use dextromethorphan polistirex daily to prevent tolerance (works for the other meds too, including the benzos). I'm going to start using memantine again when I have the money to order it. Amazing revelations in that NMDA antagonist tolerance thread in ADD I must say.

Also, I take 3 75mg lyrica spansules per diem. I'll typically take those orally. Since I was put on the amphetamine salts I've managed to cut the lyrica down to 2 a day maybe even less, but occasionally I'll snort one just for kicks as I've no recreational drugs at the moment and quit drinking to fill that void.

I also have 3200mg neurontin per month used for pain. They're excellent euphoriants/antidepressents as well, drawbacks being A) the poor absorption at the receptor sites which is easily bypassed by taking 100 - 200 mg every 30 - minutes and you can cut your daily imbibing of them 60 - 75% saving quite a bit of cash, and B) They tend to make me manic with racing thoughts and impsulive behavior, though they feel great to take regardless of it. Best thing for benzo withdrawal bar none, lyrica being second best. I love being scripted both of them, and in such high doses! I'm a charmer, I can't help it. I was born this way.

How did you think it possible I've all of this beautiful art etched onto my skin done by fabulous artists, some of them being almost 'C' celebrities in their trade. I'm cute, charismatic and charming. I'm not even Jewish!

It's not my fault I'm adorable. It gets you stepped on early in life whilst realizing how to deal with people. Just adopt misanthropy as a general rule, and after careful intuitive scrutiny, give them the green light. Sounds insane, and it is in a general way, on several levels, but it's pure and adequate if only for the fact that it works.

I'll follow up in a few weeks and tell you if the adderall still has as positive an impact. I just smoked a jiont some customer at work gave me for a dutch I didn't charge him for (I later bought it for him after he'd left, since I don't steal). It's not great weed so I'm not feeling the best, its been months since I've gotten stoned.

Just took 2mg Klonopin, that joint, A 24 ounce cup of beer, 10mg adderall xr, 200 mg neurontin, and a cookie.

It's nice to have my appetite back I've been getting strong anorexic effects since starting. I can eat a meal if its put in front of me, but unless someone offers it to me I just haven't even the slightest inclinations about food. Hope that will go away.

Maybe I should start smoking a bowl before meals. I tried that experience last night and although the cannabis was of poor quality which was likely the reason I didn't quite benefit from being stoned like I normally do, I should have been have great insight and euphoria from that joint. First one in months, should have split my cranium absolutely sideways especially with all of the other shit I have coursing through my veins. Maybe it was just retro-grade shit (it was in fact pretty bad comparatively). A nice Indica would do the job, but I need a job so thats out of the question. (I keep making these unintentional puns and I fucking HATE PUNS, this is a recent phenomena I've notice within the last 3 days).

One joint won't bother me testing-wise I shouldn't think, it'll be out of my system in 5 days and furthermore, I've filled out 20 online applications since starting this adderall (efficient little energy bombs that they are), and I couldn't even tell you how many resumes I've given. Wasted ink. Haven't gotten one phone call. I'd call the bastards and guilt them into allowing an interview out of me, but my phone is prepaid and I can't afford to be on the phone for more than a minute or two. At least one of those resumes landed me this sweet little gig that I got cooking right now now. Don't pay much, but I'm the only manager there at all times and can do whatever I fucking jolly well please, as long as I keep the customers happy (these seldom interrupt, its a slow store). Being half outside kind of sucks in the winter, but I've gotten used to it over the years.

I need some MXE as well as a wee bit of 5 mep mipt. That joint was the first non scripted drug I've taken in months.

_

I had just wrote a bunch more shit (this post was kept by auto-save) because I wrote this last night and it fucking vanished when I blundered, tripped over my lower intestines and closed the tab on accident. Fuck you, auto-save. Where's the 1000 words I just wrote? As I wrote that sentence the little blurb yellow 'auto-saved' reminder came up. I call bullshit. I'm just going to change my settings to allow saved content and undo the security settings. Fuck them. If those lecherous pigs want me bad enough to subpoena my I.P. address let em' have a go at it. I've already set up tor on aurora and use OTR with Pidgin and privnote and PGP with thunderbird and safe-mail too for my other 'behaviors.'

Don't need it on this browser though [opera]. I'll say whatever I damn well fancy and not one of you puritan mutants can put a rectangular ebony bar over my eyes and face to protect your children from letting me slap a little wisdom on them.

continued on installment two: "I'm not a comedian, I'm Lenny Bruce."

So, I continue to seek things outside of myself in order to change how I feel. I know that these outside things aren't the answer but they temporarily relieve my pain and discomfort.

The exact nature is that I have very little acceptance of self and require validation from outside sources in order to feel accepted and liked and function in a positive manner. The bottom line is that I simply just want to be loved and cared for.

I recognize a familiar progression similar to that of my active addiction when I seek these outside "feel goods". It's never enough (just like the drugs) and I seek more and more. The drugs stopped working long ago. I wonder when these non-drug "quick fixes" will stop as well. What will come after that and how much greater will the pain and loneliness be than that which initially prompted these behaviors? My guess is that a period of extreme feelings is on the horizon once I'm forced to recognize the short term remedies lose their effectiveness. I'll be forced to deal with myself without any outside relief. Stuck with me, again.

I know it's coming so at least I can prepare and perhaps initiate some sort of "harm minimization" to lessen the end result. That's never worked before, though, so why now? My pattern is to run things to the bitter ends and then pain becomes the ultimate motivator for change.

I accept that I'm needy and lonely. I don't think I was always like this but I can put words to it now.

So what's the solution? Do the right thing for the right reason, have faith that in truly meaning no harm, everything will play out in time and in a natural, balanced manner.

The words sound pretty. I wonder if I'm capable of initiating necessary, positive change without waiting for the real pain to hit?

So it rained all day today! ugh, I was supposed to go to the Junkyard and get a new emblem for my car because some asshole stole it! But that was another blog...

I hate the rain. Mosty because it's so damn cold in the rain, you get wet and cold, and cold.. and I hate the cold. At least when it snows its warmer, you don't get as wet and thus not as cold! If theres snow on the ground, the sun reflects sometimes, when it rains, no sun and no fun!

It hasn't snowed at all, least nothing that has stuck to the ground yet. I haven't been able to use my AWD in two years, well due to FL last winter, ahh what Id give to be back in Miami for the winter. Though last year it wasn't fun in the sun either.. more like stuck in an uncomfortable hospital bed older than I am on and off for 10 months! Wish I was in Miami, healthy!

Can't wait to go back for vacation

Well, I finally admitted to my dad after continuous suspicion and interrogation that I do, in fact, have a mildly heavy opiate addiction... In all honesty, I'm blessed to have such caring and understanding family members, because they've all been there too, and came back miraculously unscathed (for the most part). And they know I'm not a bad person .. despite what I myself might believe otherwise at times... I think I'm finally to the point, after three or so years of chasing my tail and the next high (what little high was left to be had) to leave this shit behind me... Whether or not it'll last forever, who can say. Frankly, I highly doubt I'll go the rest of my life without using an opiate recreationally ever again, but I firmly believe I'll be able to keep the demons in check before they get out of hand again... Anyway, as of right now, I'm on a trial of 8mg sublingual Suboxone strips twice a day. I'm .. rather pleased at how well it's going so far. This is the first time in the last three years where I have actually gone a day without having some pretty wicked joneses. I'm not high, but it's keeping me just ever so slightly above baseline without being a tease. My nose still runs a little and my legs are still cramping up a bit, but I'm not fiending like a madman and I'm not waking up every morning in hellacious withdrawal. I feel just ...... normal. I never thought feeling just ... normal could feel so good... Hell, it even helps with my back pain. I realize that buprenorphine is still a very powerful opiate in its own right, and that there may well be a darker side to it as well on down the road, but my plan is to stay on it only as long as I need to for the sickness to go away, and hopefully the literature I've read won't have steered me wrong...

I finally feel like I'm starting to get my shit back together... Dad, I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me by setting me up with that doctor... Maybe when we start talking to each other again, I might be able to swallow enough pride to tell you so...

I took my last oxy dose Saturday... I relapsed hard over Christmas weekend, was back to square one... Been taking shitloads of loperamide since then cause I'm flat broke, still suffering, the RLS is making me want to tear my fucking hair out, or flip out in convulsive fits. Took 250mg of butalbital a while ago, it seems to be helping to some extent, about as much as a xanax football would. I just feel tired and depressed, no appetite, bad back pain, achy all over ...

I'm so tired of this shit... I have a $2,000 insurance settlement coming either today or in the next couple days... You'd think I'd be happy about that, but I know what I'm going to do with at least half of it. I'm sure by the end of the weekend I'll have about 60 roxies at most if I'm lucky (ridiculous price for bulk, I know. I hope that's not violating the price rules, I didn't give an actual number, but I'm sure you can do the math)...

I really just wanna quit... I'm tired of having to take at least 3 drugs a day right when I wake up just to feel normal (caffeine, nicotine, opiates)... This is really starting to take a toll on me. All I wanna do right now is shove a couple roxies up my nose, or even bang one... So tired of this shit... My dad's been preaching at me all day, and trying to get me to go back on Suboxone, but I really don't want to be on that shit again... The half-life scares me when it comes time to quit... I'd rather suffer for a week and just get it over with than do it for a month or however long it takes to get off subs...

Fuck, man... In the words of Guns 'n Roses, I shoulda known better, wish I never woulda met her... I wanna leave it all behind...

hello people does any one have any advice on etizolam ? ive been sent email about it but not sure what it does or if its legal in uk ?

blow my mind
tell me something new
tell me something ive never heard before
something that will make change my views

i know you have something
i cant know what you know
so divulge,
create a conversation..
that messes me up and makes me truly begin to question

the things that we do
we grow and die, we sow and reap
we start and stop
and cry and weep

i want to kiss you,
i want to love you
but all i can do right now..

..is miss you.


Its times like these that i begin to wonder
i begin to wonder why i even do anything
why do i wake up
why do i live
why do i bother even writing or talking to anyone


its because of tomorrow
and all my hopes and dreams for it
despite how improbable or impossible
may they come true and may i no longer long for tomorrow
for tomorrow has come and it is finally today

the new day: today.

I'm sure you could hogtie me, flog me, and throw me in a writhing pinfold without reason or any regards to the "rights" supposedly guaranteed by my "constitution," fashion a beard on my face and call me a terrorist, or a cultist, or any one of these fear-mongering yellow phrases they love to kick around and print in bold to evoke an instant emotional response resulting in fear and slow, nagging, brooding knot in the back of the soft brains attached to those who read that utter shit.

Wow. That went awry relatively fast. These abhorred digressions are going to do me in.

Morning: 1 cup coffee, 1mg klonopin, 75mg pregabalin branded, 10mg adderall branded, 75 mg wellbutrin. If only I had some 5 meo mipt with a dash of methoxetamine for good measure I'd make a goddamn fast day out of this free one. Soon enough.



This is relevant to my screed. Read upwards, name brand was all they carried but since I have medicaid they were free. Only good thing about being poor and one argument away from homelessness is you'll get free medical care. This planet is ridiculous.

End installment two.______________________________________

Yeah. I haven't been writing here, been busy trying to drum up some leads on a second job. Those bastard online applications are the most asinine, bedlamite excercises in futility I've ever seen. I have a resume. Let me email it to you and talk with me directly, asshole.

Don't give me one of those mindless quiz's that anyone with half a brain is going to answer correctly. Are there really motherfuckers out there that ignorant as to require some of the questions these tests utilize?

Maybe I give too much credit to the intelligence level of the common man, or at least the "with-it" credibility that goes with knowing that life is not a destination, simply a drama. When you get on the dance floor your intention is by no means to end up in a particular place, nor do musicians play only the final crashing note then get up, bow and leave to a bemused audience. Life is a drama. It is THE drama in fact, and you're it friend. You're the main character. You, incidentally, also happen to be everyone else. Even those evil fuckers you think should really be killed in front of a live audience. There's no seperation. Nature isn't something outside of you, your ego is nothing but a carefully constructed illusion incited by a misled social system in which we're all bonded and stamped right from birth.

That's what happens when you go from a partnership society, whereas everyones welfare is shared communally and it's in the interest of the social group to care for one another, and not even out some misguided empathy pipedream, but simply because that's the way it works.

An isolationist dominator culture completely driven by the tenents of fascism and volatile, unyielding cupidity will always feel alone, desperate, hopeless. We're social beings, restricting us to an [often] broken family and leaving us completely alone at 18 without being instructed and given the knowledge/skills of basic survival. It was commonly accepted in the last 40-50 years that one went directly to college (and into debt) and typically were supported by their parents throughout this time, at least partially in quite a few cases. Their parents had money. This generation (I'm 26 born July 3rd, 1985 at Mineola Hospital, just like Lenny Bruce) I can't envision having any money by retirement, or upon their decision to procreate, something I believe is selfish and irresponsible with a population of 9billion globally and growing at an exponential rate. It doubles every 36 years currently last I checked, and may even grow larger.







"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."

-Lenny Bruce

“I rode with him in a taxi once,only for a mile and a half. Seemed like it took a couple of months” – Bob Dylan

“Lenny Bruce died from an overdose of police” – Phil Spector

“Bruce stands up against all limitations on the flesh and spirit, and someday they are going to crush him for it.” – The New York Post



So the dominant query of the day, is "how do we escape structure?" Brood on that one for a while my drug-addled family.

This isn't rhetorical I'm looking for responses and opinions. Personally I think it's impossible, barring that you don't move to the amazon and become accepted by a tribal group that lives outside the boundaries of this technological, effortlessly exploited culture that the very few benefit greatly from, and the lock up the food.

Why lock up the food? That requires no answer.



Plans for the day off?



"Be still and know."

So I guess there was a recall on the logic bard on my MacBook Pro..sooo I got it back today! I was so worried, I thought they were going to have to replace the display because it kept going to sleep and not waking up, but that meant they would have to replace the whole display part, meaning my sticker on the back (a big Vader, what else) would be gone! Ahhh, but phew! It was just the logic board. I know the sticker was only what like 7 bucks, but still, it's Badd Ass.

My brother sent me an amazon link of an Iron Man sticker to go on the top of his MacBook, and when I bought it for him for Chanukah, it "recommended" a Vader sticker for me...damn Amazon really knows me. I know they target people and definitely see how much Star Wars things I buy, so I guess they got me pinpointed. Haha, I'm a sucker, but I love me some collectibles.

My specialty now is Power of the Force Action figures, red card or green.. you have them, send them to me I totally should post a pic of my room, I have them all command stripped to my walls. But I also have like 17 more that are still in the boxes that I haven't even hung up yet.

My problem is how do I arrange them? Should I go by movie? Should I go alphabetical? Then even so, I also have other brands which I am still keeping, particularly some special order, mail-away only Boba Fett's from Hasbo (Rocket Firing and a Prototype Armor one), so those are definitely keepers. I know you don't care. I'm waiting for Palpatine to arrive with his specialized walking stick, lol. You know what's weird.. I don't even own a Power of the Force Darth Vader (I have like two boxed, like 7 unboxed Vaders tho so don't worry!) I actually just acquired a special edition 500th Action Figure which is Darth Vader, comes specially with the package as a cool replica of his meditation chamber, even has a switch which you can put his helmet on and off, hehe. So awesome, that's gonna be big time. Perfect 16th birthday present for my first born! Hey, gotta pass on the legacy..

But I digress..Despite having my MacBook back, I still seem to be using my iPad more, watching Netflix, Oh well, love them both! At the Apple store, my best friend, well one of them, who is a total geek, video games, comic books the whole works (I can say that because OBV I am a huge geek too), but he is also a big tech guy, which I am not, but the whole time he was like telling me how only people who don't know what they're doing buy macs realy people build their computers and use PCs blah blah blah... you know what, my Mac is awesome, I've always ever used macs and ony owned 4 laptops in my whole life! That's all I've ever needed, they last SO long! Everyone I know who owns a PC, has had problems, I've never once had a virus in my life! Well, I guess the fact that my brother is a software engineer and went to MIT...Twice, and my dad does the hardware stuff...they both preach Macs and own them too.

Soo, I wanted to fight him and just be like stfu, he also gives me shit about my iPhone not being 4G, specially since I just bought a 4S yesterday and it's not 4G, well, I like the iPhone so stfu you! I know he's a really really good friend, but he really can be a dick about it sometimes and I just wanna be like aaaahhhhh STOP!!!

Soo people.. Buy a Mac

Set & setting: I ate some chicken when I woke up (11.30 AM). Slept in the afternoon, and began doing some GBL around 5.30PM, I did 4,5ml GBL between 5.30PM~7.30PM. Here is summer and outside 33ºC right now, it's really hot.

7.45 - Took 7mg 2C-T-2 in a capsule form with cold Pepsi. I am feeling nice and a little euphoric because of the GBL.

8.05 - WOAH! already feeling a liiiitle nauseaus and getting some muscle twitches.

8.50 - Not feeling much, honestly. However, music DOES sound very cool. Awesome as always on GBL, but at the same time more.... lucid and less dirty. I'm doing 7mg more 2C-T-2 but this time sniffed.

9.10 - Naturally, it's extremely difficult to snort any 2C-*, but it didn't seem worse than 2C-I at least. And I can see some visual distortions already!

10.40 - Went outside to score so Tramadol from a friend (tough I only did 50mg). Started feeling *very* intoxicated outside, like there was some hole under me swelling me. I managed to stay cool.
Back home, took a shower. I was thinking "this thing seems disappointing.. so much bodyload and so few visuals..", then, the drops of water started to dance; that was the first "WOAH COOL!" thing, although, it could be induced with any other psychedelic really.
Drank a bottle of Gatorade and now drinking Pepsi.
My pressure rate is high (I could do some GBL?) and my stomach has been empty for the last 8 hours.
So far, toxicity > tripping.

11.30 - I try to focus but.. It doesn't work. It sucks, because although when I sit down in front of the monitor to write this, all letters dance very subtle, but at the same time, I have no cool CEVs (or no CEVs at all) and "normal" OEVs, while I am suffering a big headache AND I'm sweating badly
So far, no good
I'll try 1,5ml more GBL because I don't want to take Clonazepam yet. But expectations are low

12 - Well, the little GBL lift my mood a little, but I still have a little headache and the visuals are so mild that the bodyload (heavy sweating, headaches, acting a little stupid) doesn't worth it. Now taking 4mg Clonazepam, a little aspirine, and 50mg Tramadol. Will try 2C-T-2 in a greater dosage in the future. Now, inside my mind, K > 2-CE > LSD > 2-CI > 2C-T-2.
Don't get me wrong, what I mean is, I could hugely enjoy 20mg of 2C-E on Tramadol, hugely enjoy a 25mg sniffed (never again lol) of 2C-I with GBL... but I can't fully enjoy 2C-T-2 at ~15mg [even while it's supposed to be 'a major psychedelic']; sadly, it seems I need a higher amount of this substance to feel it properly. The only good thing about this substance was that nausea went away fast.

1am - Still having a mild headache, but it's a lot better. The visuals stopped. The muscle twitching it's also gone. I think I won't recommend doing 2C-T-2 unless the dosage is strong enough (+15mg~), because for the bodyload, it does not worth it, at least for me (and this will be the second psychodelic in my life that my body 'doesn't like' together with 5-MeO-DIPT).

I wonder, when I was in my early twenties, was I this bratty and self involved? Am I right to be frustrated by some people or am I jealous because I wish I was young again? Maybe partly there are bratty, self involved people and partly I am a bit jealous. I am just so fed up of feeling past it. I feel like I am no longer relevant to anyone. I am trying to think positive but I can't quite get past the negativity I am feeling at the moment. I desperately want to move forward but I have nobody to reach out to. It just feels like everyone is so blessed with how they look, being 'cool', and everyone bitches the shit out of everyone else. I miss proper conversation. I miss real music. I miss drugs before they went shit. I miss people not caring about how they looked or how I looked and bonding over music, or books, or deconstructing concepts of modern life that people now don't question. Nowadays it seems like those who think they are free are the ones who are truly enslaved. Even the older folk I know from the free parties and festies are fickle as fuck. I can't even go to those parties anymore cos its like having the same protracted conversation with the same people every time. I am at a loss as to what to do, spiritually. Physically I can lose weight, primp myself and look my best... but I have a heart and soul that yearn for some real stimulation. For good music. For free thinkers. I have always been the exception to any rule but surely somewhere there must exist people that I fit in with? I feel so lonely that I think I am going mad.

I absolutely love Eminem. him. No I don't think he's gorgeous or have a crush on him, but I think he's a fucking genius. Those of you who hate him need to really man up/woman up, whatever, and fucking listen to him. The shit he says, yea, I'll admit is evil, mean and just downright awful sometimes, but he's just making people think. If you really listen to him, and listen to his exact lyrics, think about all his songs (no not the shit that's played on the radio or MTV) but the good shit that's hidden on his CDs.

Take his Relapse CD. A lot of the shit he says might actually help some of the people here looking for help. He's sending a message to people about his own experiences, basically telling peole to learn from him, themselves, look at their lives and realize what your doing to yourself and others. He talks so much bout getting clean, and he did, then came out with Recovery, which is an amazing cd!

I've listened to it on and off mostly because since relapse was released I couldn't stop listening to it. But today I finally switched the cd to recovery, and now I can't stop listening to that one! Just how I was when he release MMLP, Eminem Show and even Encore! Just gets better and better.

People who say he's just a whiny little bitch.. Well guess what, he's not, fucking listen to him, get off your high horse and do it! Haha I bet you'd appreciate his literary talents for what it is...pure genius.

I could go on and on and on but I'm gonna lay back and enjoy listening to Recovery with my awesome noise canceling BOSE headphones

Have a chill night everyone. Just like me!

-your favorite Sith

Rivulets of lukewarm street water and ammonia forged traveled amongst the aging cobblestones of one long-abandoned road. Serpentine in nature, the stench of the liquid felt particularly venomous. Veins of liquid from the main artery paused before the various diversions in the cobblestones ahead like a young creature standing for the first time before deep waters. The water cascaded through a jagged diagonal crack to the left of a well-worn, rounded stone. Surely, this path would provide the quickest route to nowhere, its principal destination. Our destination. Theirs, too.

The slovenly alternative was comparitively dismal. Rain water and urine settled in the waterlogged indentation of a passerby's boot in the mud to the right. Hope for this common fossil's memory vanished as the final millimeters of its depth were overcome by the rushing solution's volume and oder. Against its will, the print had thus been transformed into a perfectly unbroken planar reflection.

If standing enough askance, one might have gazed into the reflection in order to observe the mercurial clouds looming overhead.
_________________________________________________________

He felt disconcerted by watching the sky while staring at the ground. He knew he had become habituated to this ritualistic obscurity. Only the smell of diluted ammonia beneath his feet provided the olfactory pinch reminding him that he was aware. A man with little left, he strove to avoid eye contact with anyone. His senses alone had bestowed sense and sensibility unto him over the years, but sight - this lone sense was, to him, a distressing disruption to his day. Eyes and sight were dually bound and reserved for exceptional and momentous occasions, as one might reserve a special tie, suit and smile for appearances at public masses on Sundays. On this day, he allowed his eyes to imbibe the blackened and furrowed clouds that scrutinized him from infinity above and resbelow through the reflection in the Earth. Their presence was poignant against the slate gray and judgmental heavens.

An unearthly sharpening of self-awareness forced him to avert his gaze from the simple puddle. It was now frothing with wet earth and a saturated, disagreeable stench. He continued navigating amorphous oceans of cobblestones ahead with deliberation and difficulty. The sea was his destination and he knew that he was very near to it. The air had become saturated with sea salt and peculiar odors of chum. This suffocating atmosphere engulfed his very being. It smothered spirits with the viscosity of thick mucous. Like a parched and shriveled piece of fruit, once ripe and vibrant, his senses had clearly failed him. Forging through the fog made him feel evermore like worthless marmalade - canned efficiently and stored on the dusty shelves of an irrelevant lifetime.

As man challenged nature on the ground, leaden clouds had been pressing more firmly into the earth. Through the dim light he recognized scores of naked trees beckoning him into their bushy undergrowths with gnarled branches resembling fingers on a corpse. Feet waterlogged and frozen, only the unforgiving breath of impending Winter continued to propel him. Winter forced the long-forgotten generator deep within himself to churn. Its rusted gears ground against one another with desperate ferocity and released hot sparks of hopelessness.

Meanwhile, the smell of ammonia had receded. He could not be sure whether the nebulous density of the fog was environmental or if it were an additional reflection of his internal state. He yearned for peace, for he had not felt (nor had allowed himself to feel) the liberating sensation albeit once, several weeks before, when he intently watched the most resilient leaf fall from his favorite Elm tree, leaving behind a remarkably skeletal memorial of Autumn.

His unusually black eyes - "Gypsy eyes," as the uncouth and uneducated villagers had so often referred to them - had followed that leaf from its perch on the highest branch of the Elm. Its soft repose on the dry and brittle dirt below had been graceful. And he had pocketed the leaf. This leaf, and all that its death represented, was his private correspondent. He would emulate its final ballet in due time.

The fog waxed, then waned. Everything around him breathed in and, after a moment's pause, exhaled. He had reached the sea. Wicked whorls of icy water battered vehemently against jagged rocks below weathered wooden planks of the dock on which he now stood. The aging dock groaned like ancient trees in the midst of violent winds, and sea-foam oozed through the rotting and misshapen slats like pus from an infected limb. Yellowed foam whipped about the air, smearing itself across his finely-tailored overcoat and face. He pretended not to notice; he'd neglected to shave that day, anyway. Death favors neither beauty nor desolation.

To gaze into the Great Reflection was to be stabbed in the belly, but he allowed himself ample time to drink in the awesome sight. He stood before a greater puddle by which infinity was, and had always been, reflected. Reassessing the charcoal clouds reminded him of the capricious magistrate he believed to be observing him sternly from the Heavens above. He fidgeted nervously. He fondled four hefty and precious slabs of concrete he had pilfered from an emaciated cemetery earlier that day. He had gone to great lengths to conceal them in the deepest recesses of his overcoat. He trained his eyes towards a flock of gray speckled gulls hovering well above the angry waters enacting retribution against the abused and jagged rocks. The gulls were searching for the last remaining morsels of sustenance before Winter truly struck. "Ever searching," he whispered to himself.

He shifted his weight from his left leg to his right and took a small step forward, swiftly disappearing beneath the reflective surface. The pungent fragrance of ammonia had finally reached the dock, but only speckled gulls were left to take note of its presence. Ocean wind raped the shoreline of its serenity.

As if governed by one mind, the gulls ceased to circle the sky, and they came to a unanimous halt on the dock's edge. They watched with rigid curiosity peculiar bubbles gently breaking the Reflection's stormy surface. A small leaf ascended from the muddied depths, pausing for a moment on the whitened crest of an ocean wave. The ocean inhaled for the final time, and the brutal undertow ravenously consumed the nostalgic frailty of Autumn.

Winter had come. Frenzied with hunger and frightened by the churning water, the gulls dispersed in unison.