So, I managed to hook up my internet by using my smartphone as a wifi hotspot and connecting through my mobile internet dongle which for me is quite impressive and my internet isn't too slow. It's a relief because I hate trying to write a blog entry with a touchscreen. My fingers are too stubby.
I'm feeling a bit better than I was when I wrote that pity-party post earlier. In all honesty I'm feeling really shitty just now but it's just because I have no money and no real home comforts to keep me content. I've been so bad with money, I always am when I feel down, but I think this month has been a sharp shock as living in a flat with no heating, hardly any electric on the meter and eating one meal of cereal with water is not my idea of a good time.
One upside is that I decided to cut my own hair and it turned out pretty fucking nice. It's a small thing but I hate when my hair grows out. I have one side of it undercut so it's shaved down pretty close. I didn't have clippers so I couldn't shave it but I hacked a load of my fringe off and it's given the rest of my hair a much nicer look. Still though, the grey is peeping through so time to hit the bottle when I get paid.
This month I have to promise myself to watch my money better. I got a bit obsessed with eating takeaway food every night just because I could. That has ended up with me gaining about a stone and having really bad skin. I can't do that anymore because I've got insulin resistance which basically means if I don't start eating properly, lose weight and get fit... I'm going to get diabetes. Given the amount of other health issues in my family (cancer, heart problems, hearing problems, depression... I could go on...) I would rather NOT add diabetes to the list. I think food became my replacement for affection at some point and I'm having trouble letting go...
It's like somewhere along the line I just stopped caring about myself, how I looked, how I felt. I've had some great years but for the past while I have just felt totally beaten down. I find it really hard to fit in anywhere. The friends I do have tend to be attracted to me because I am a bit different to most people and they don't seem to realise how fucking lonely I get. People either find the oddness endearing or annoying. Some people talk to me like I'm shit and talk about me like I'm shit and I hate it because apart from a very small group of people... I love the fucking world. There's not a lot that someone can do to me that I wouldn't forgive. People deserve chances, everyone makes mistakes, but to judge me when someone doesn't know me really pisses me off.
I'm kind of at the stage now where I have to either decide to take out my piercings, hide my tattoos, start behaving like a regular person... or embrace the person that I am and to hell with what anyone else thinks of me. The obvious choice is to stick two fingers up at the world... it's just really hard. I feel like people take the piss with me quite a lot. Even my best friends take advantage and aren't quite on the ball when I need them. I try not to need people anymore, I try to keep independent... but sometimes I feel like I want someone to listen to me for a change. Then I feel bad for thinking about what I want and not being helpful...
I guess that's why I'm here, why I have this blog... I need to have somewhere that I can say whatever the fuck I want without fear of judgement or repercussions. I'm such a doormat. I've tried to bite back but it fucks people up when I do so I can't do it anymore.
I think rather than having a few alcoholic blowouts in the town I live in... I should spend my money doing things I enjoy. I could get a bus up to Edinburgh and go to a gig and get the last bus home. I could get a second hand sewing machine and some old dress patterns and try to make some clothes. I could take my camera out and take photographs. I haven't done that in ages and I bloody love taking photographs. l could buy some more canvases and start painting again. I could buy some second hand DVDs of movies that I've always wanted to see. I could cook dinner for a friend. I could buy some charity shop clothes. I could spend more time with my family, especially my sister's kids kids, I could take my parents out for lunch. I could go and see my sister and laugh about when we were growing up. I've been such a shitty sister and daughter. I feel so guilty.
There is so much of who I used to be that I'm so ashamed of and I hate it when I spiral back into my bratty, spoiled, victim-stance persona that I have tried so hard to escape. I've got two nieces and a nephew who love me who I don't see enough. I've got funny, kind and intelligent parents who try so hard to support me even though I've consistently fucked up.
I don't want to be that person again. I really don't.
Due to various factors it's unlikely I will ever have kids but I would love to meet a nice guy and have a best friend that I can share life with. Nothing fancy, just he and I, and the road in front of us. Festivals. Gigs. Caravan holidays. I don't care as long as we're happy. Someone I can read to, and cook for, and dress up for. Someone that can take the bad with the good and that can lean on me when they need it.
I don't know if I'll ever get it though. I feel like I'm stuck in this little bubble away from the rest of the world and I can't quite figure out how to connect with people.
Anyway. I guess I should go to bed now. I've not been sleeping well lately... I tend to have really vivid dreams that I wake from and can't get back to sleep again. Got to try and keep my strength up. Because I don't have much food I have been taking vitamin tablets and am trying to drink things like horlicks (although that's running out too now) to try and keep myself warm and keep my blood sugar at a reasonable level as I tend to go a bit weird if it dips. I get all confused and start shaking. I'll be fine though. I only have to last seven more days. I've got about £3 in change... I could probably get some cut price vegetables and make some soup with it, even if only for a treat at the weekend.
I have so much love to give the world. I just don't know how to let it out.
I'm feeling a bit better than I was when I wrote that pity-party post earlier. In all honesty I'm feeling really shitty just now but it's just because I have no money and no real home comforts to keep me content. I've been so bad with money, I always am when I feel down, but I think this month has been a sharp shock as living in a flat with no heating, hardly any electric on the meter and eating one meal of cereal with water is not my idea of a good time.
One upside is that I decided to cut my own hair and it turned out pretty fucking nice. It's a small thing but I hate when my hair grows out. I have one side of it undercut so it's shaved down pretty close. I didn't have clippers so I couldn't shave it but I hacked a load of my fringe off and it's given the rest of my hair a much nicer look. Still though, the grey is peeping through so time to hit the bottle when I get paid.
This month I have to promise myself to watch my money better. I got a bit obsessed with eating takeaway food every night just because I could. That has ended up with me gaining about a stone and having really bad skin. I can't do that anymore because I've got insulin resistance which basically means if I don't start eating properly, lose weight and get fit... I'm going to get diabetes. Given the amount of other health issues in my family (cancer, heart problems, hearing problems, depression... I could go on...) I would rather NOT add diabetes to the list. I think food became my replacement for affection at some point and I'm having trouble letting go...
It's like somewhere along the line I just stopped caring about myself, how I looked, how I felt. I've had some great years but for the past while I have just felt totally beaten down. I find it really hard to fit in anywhere. The friends I do have tend to be attracted to me because I am a bit different to most people and they don't seem to realise how fucking lonely I get. People either find the oddness endearing or annoying. Some people talk to me like I'm shit and talk about me like I'm shit and I hate it because apart from a very small group of people... I love the fucking world. There's not a lot that someone can do to me that I wouldn't forgive. People deserve chances, everyone makes mistakes, but to judge me when someone doesn't know me really pisses me off.
I'm kind of at the stage now where I have to either decide to take out my piercings, hide my tattoos, start behaving like a regular person... or embrace the person that I am and to hell with what anyone else thinks of me. The obvious choice is to stick two fingers up at the world... it's just really hard. I feel like people take the piss with me quite a lot. Even my best friends take advantage and aren't quite on the ball when I need them. I try not to need people anymore, I try to keep independent... but sometimes I feel like I want someone to listen to me for a change. Then I feel bad for thinking about what I want and not being helpful...
I guess that's why I'm here, why I have this blog... I need to have somewhere that I can say whatever the fuck I want without fear of judgement or repercussions. I'm such a doormat. I've tried to bite back but it fucks people up when I do so I can't do it anymore.
I think rather than having a few alcoholic blowouts in the town I live in... I should spend my money doing things I enjoy. I could get a bus up to Edinburgh and go to a gig and get the last bus home. I could get a second hand sewing machine and some old dress patterns and try to make some clothes. I could take my camera out and take photographs. I haven't done that in ages and I bloody love taking photographs. l could buy some more canvases and start painting again. I could buy some second hand DVDs of movies that I've always wanted to see. I could cook dinner for a friend. I could buy some charity shop clothes. I could spend more time with my family, especially my sister's kids kids, I could take my parents out for lunch. I could go and see my sister and laugh about when we were growing up. I've been such a shitty sister and daughter. I feel so guilty.
There is so much of who I used to be that I'm so ashamed of and I hate it when I spiral back into my bratty, spoiled, victim-stance persona that I have tried so hard to escape. I've got two nieces and a nephew who love me who I don't see enough. I've got funny, kind and intelligent parents who try so hard to support me even though I've consistently fucked up.
I don't want to be that person again. I really don't.
Due to various factors it's unlikely I will ever have kids but I would love to meet a nice guy and have a best friend that I can share life with. Nothing fancy, just he and I, and the road in front of us. Festivals. Gigs. Caravan holidays. I don't care as long as we're happy. Someone I can read to, and cook for, and dress up for. Someone that can take the bad with the good and that can lean on me when they need it.
I don't know if I'll ever get it though. I feel like I'm stuck in this little bubble away from the rest of the world and I can't quite figure out how to connect with people.
Anyway. I guess I should go to bed now. I've not been sleeping well lately... I tend to have really vivid dreams that I wake from and can't get back to sleep again. Got to try and keep my strength up. Because I don't have much food I have been taking vitamin tablets and am trying to drink things like horlicks (although that's running out too now) to try and keep myself warm and keep my blood sugar at a reasonable level as I tend to go a bit weird if it dips. I get all confused and start shaking. I'll be fine though. I only have to last seven more days. I've got about £3 in change... I could probably get some cut price vegetables and make some soup with it, even if only for a treat at the weekend.
I have so much love to give the world. I just don't know how to let it out.