watching the days go by

I don't even have the words today. I just miss him today. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like a scar has suddenly re-opened after being closed long enough to knit back together... I don't know how to console myself. I had to come to my parents for the weekend as I couldn't cope with being alone all weekend. I keep turning it over in my head. What if, by some miracle, I see him. What could possibly change all that's occurred? He's happy in a relationship. I'm not entirely sure what I want from him. I imagine what it would be like to hold him. But when I try to conjure an image of us both it's like looking at two ghosts hugging. The clarity and detail has been eroded by time. If I could reach into my head I would pull these thoughts out. Not because I don't want to think them but because I don't know how to make them stop. I'm different... he's different... it's been three years and he probably still thinks I cheated on him anyway. I looked into my heart to try and see if it could give me an answer. But all it can say is that I love him and that I've found it hard not to have him in my life. Of course, the heady rushes of being in love are gone, but there's still this fierceness of passion when I remember the Alan I knew... it's like a tigress in my head that guards the memories I have. The sad memories have gone, mostly, although sometimes I have flashbacks of my shitty behaviour and it makes me feel ashamed. Alan understood me more than most. He challenged me. He was the most incredible person I've ever met. I've never met such an intelligent, loving, silly, verbose, acerbic, eccentric, passionate, angry, volatile, handsome, quirky guy in my life and I don't think I will again.

It's the stupid shit that I miss. The horse bites, the random harmonica playing, the puns, the billy nights, the long chats we could have where we would deconstruct a subject like christianity and laugh. The fact that during a scary movie I could put my head up his tshirt and hide.

I miss the soft side. One memory I have of him is when he'd been watching something sad that I think involved the death of a child. I remember he cried because he's a father and it really got to him. He once ran over a rabbit by accident, and it made him cry, it was the sweetest thing. He cared. He cared so much about things like his family and his friends. He cared about me too although I was so far gone with depression that I couldn't always see it, not because he was a bad person, simply because my perception of myself gets really fucked up sometimes.

Sometimes I think to myself that if I had just one evening with him... I would say all the things I never said... I would just be happy to be in his company. No expectation. Just one last chance to finish things right.

I need to stop it, he's in love with someone else, I don't even know if he still lives in the area. I still have his phone number imprinted on my brain but he's probably changed it by now.

I truly hope he is healthy, and happy and that he realises just how amazing he is.

Anyway, I need to stop being so weak, I'm always getting all emotional about stuff.

Time to go and look for jobs online... wish that something I would be good at would appear...

 

Jen, you're an excellent writer. You have the intelligence to describe your feelings thoroughly and with clarity. Your intelligence is what will enable you to recover from this guy in a little while.

I've been dropped a few times and know it's one of the most painful experiences in life. It's as if somebody close to you died. Your feelings cloud your perspective. As you would in the event of a friend's death, you tend to idolize the person you lost. Read your post with a critical eye and you'll see what I mean.

You have GOT to get over this guy. If you've carried a torch for him for three years, I'd say you're obsessed. Like you, when I fall in love I fall all the way. The last time I was dropped I got obsessed too. I was determined to get over it and I did.

Here are some recovery tips: Don't be alone. To your best friend who is a good listener, pour it all out. Keep your blog going. (I'm subscribed and want to follow your recovery.) Writing is good therapy. Practice this cognitive trick -- As soon as you begin to think of him, tell yourself STOP and force yourself to think of something else. Get a job and immerse yourself in it. Participate in social activities with your friends.

The last time I was dropped I was miserable but forced myself to go to a club with friends. I was beside the dance floor with a drink in my hand and caught sight of an ANGEL on the other side of the room. I made my way over to him (I'm gay) and said hi. That was 27 years ago. We're still together and in love.

 

Hey

The first time I read your message I felt a bit embarassed because you're right... I'm obsessed... and you're the first person that's actually said it out loud although I think the very few people that know how I feel about the situation would agree.

The second time I felt sad because I don't have so many friends that I can do things with. Partly because I've shut myself off because I feel so sad, partly because I find it hard to get close to people now.

Third time, this time, I had a cry because I know that this is something that I have to let go of and I should be throwing myself into my job and making the effort to see my friends more. It's not him holding me back, it's me.

You're right, I fell all the way and I don't think I ever gave myself proper time to grieve and recover from it. It's all been in fits and starts. I'm trying not to blame myself for this, and while I think it's healing to grieve, I know that I can't stay in mourning forever.

I find it very hard to deal with thinking about the bad times and I find it painful to remember the good, so I'm kind of trapped. After all this time, and all the times I've raked over this... there has to come a time where I admit to myself that he's not coming back.

I sometimes feel that if I get over him and meet someone else, it's like betraying him. I can't figure out why that is. He met someone else (who pretended to be my friend then stabbed me in the back) and I'm sure he'll be happy... so why can't I do it? In the three years that have passed I've met one guy who made me feel like I could move on... but it never worked out and we only hung out a few times although we still chat from time to time online. Kind of weird, considering he lives ten minutes away. Strangely the night I met him was the night that I saw my ex for the first time since it had all ended. I truly felt at that moment, when he and I spoke to each other, that I was past all of the pain... then this guy came along and played Cure songs to me and sang in my ear. Felt like I was winning... but then I just got scared and messed it all up.

I think I'm the only person standing in the way of my happiness. It's my self esteem, it's shot to shreds, and I can't figure out how to make myself feel better.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your message. It touches me to know that someone read my blog and took the time to respond. There's so much that it's hard to say out loud or to my friends... it's almost like saying it out loud makes it real... and although I know it's real... by keeping it all in I am stalling for time.

Sorry for rambling, I needed to get that off my chest.

Thank you again.

Jenny