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I've been thinking about my friend Paula, who died at the end of last year, a lot... just missing her.

I found a log of all of our old chats on Facebook last night and I came across this. I've copied it and pasted it directly, removed her surname and didn't correct her typos as that's one of the things I loved about her:

"Paula 'Red'

then upwards is the way to go....i think i got to a stoopid fucked up depressed point and i thought i can easy be a dead dea person or i can continue being a living dead person or i could try being a iving living person 1st"

I feel teary every time I read it. So bloody poignant.

"Paula 'Red'

ah you sound like me when i was comig up to 30.....by the time i was 33 my life was amazing and completely different....i gave up trying so hard and went with new experiances....had my 1st kid at 33 second at 37 i am 44 now not with their dad (hes one of best mates) and i have ended up dating the guy i used to fancy when i was 13 (he doesnt know that though)life can be a bitch if you let it pull you under.....be brave and jump into the void lovely xx"

One of her many messages of solidarity when I went through the pre-30 crack up.

"Paula 'Red'

in native american tribes crying bathing rain were all thought of as cleansing your body and soul....it was known as water healing not as a weakness but a way to rid from the body dirt you dont need

so do i i am a pisces with 7 houses in pisces i am the softest of the soft...trust me i have to tell my kids off from a different room cause their wee faces woud stop me"

Just something she said that sticks with me.

I spoke out loud to her for ages last night when I was feeling a bit sad about her being gone. I wish she was still here. I wish she hadn't of drank so much. I had no idea she was so bad that it would kill her. She put so much inspiration in me.

i have been taking loperamide for maintenance for several months now. after reading up on maintenance drugs such as LAM, i would have to say it is a mix between that and methadone. loperamide is great because i can go three days maybe even four if i had a benzo or two, without redosing. this is great bc constipation is horendous when using lope daily.anyway, today i took 65 mg of hydrocodone and 500 mg valerian root caps. the last time i dosed lope was three days ago at 60 mg. i would say that it hit me hard, like taking 100 mg of oxy. not sure if it was the valerian or lope residual

Yea so my mom informs me that were going to Chicago for Christmas. IIm really excited its gonna be my first chance to try heroin outside the south. I have read so many stories and blogs from people on here about scoring in the open air markets. Im kinda scared being from the south I bet my accents gonna be a big tip off and damn its gonna be cold. Oh well from what I have read getting shit should be easy if I can just figure out the logistics I will be golden.

Anyway yea Im using dope pretty much every weekend now then rolling back to subs during the week. Its wierd going back to the subs hasnt been as painful lately as it used to be. Im alot more at peace right now then I was last year. Like I know its gonna be bad but I think I may be able to hold together a little better this time. Its gonna break my moms heart. fuck

I dont know what to write this entry about so many things are happening at once in my life and I dont know what I should share and what I should keep private. I have had some swollen lymph nodes in my kneck for a few months and over the last two weeks I have seen a few doctors each one reffering me to another till now I have an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist next week. I found out I dont have hep c I dont know how thats possible I shot up with the same needle as someone who said he was infected and why would you lie about that?
Anyway that seemingly good luck was shocking cause that narrows the list of what could be wrong with that oncology word scarring the fuck out of me. I have a really strong urge to go crazy shooting as much dope as possible as quickly as possible but its being tempered by the thought that if I play the game I may be able to survive and get some nice scripts out of the deal. Thats how fucking sick I still am thinking of the fentanyl patches and dillauded that could be in the mix. Ive never told anyone this but when I was a senior in high school I told everyone my wisdom teeth hurt just to get the painkillers I knew the surgery would entail. I dunno I feel like it cant be true I cant have cancer im always wrong about these medical things its a shitty time to start being right.

Im ok right now I got some xanax and plenty of bud to drown my nervousness but its the first thing I think about every morning and the last I think about at night. I havent told anyone in my life except my parents cause I dont want to end up being fine and people thinking I just want attention or some shit plus I am not ready to acknowlege the reality. Im gonna be in denial till I cant be no more. This whole thing has really numbed me life has become kind of sureal ill be thinking this could be my last time to play basketball or go walk in the park im thinking I should be going balls out to get a girl cause I might not get another chance things like that. I dunno im kinda lost right now im gonna write more about this soon as I can process it a little more.

Lifes going pretty good right now. I tripped on some really good liquid L last weekend out in the forest camping. At first I was having a difficult trip thinking about my relationship with my parents and how much money im costing them in college just feeling guilty for being such a failure. But sometime during the trip I felt this sense of calmness come over me, like it wasnt any big revelation or anything I dont really even remember how it happened but the feeling has stayed with me since that night. I feel like I have some swagger and it feels really good.

I have also been working on my social anxiety with my phych for about month now he gave me this workbook that has a bunch of questions and exercises in it. At first I was like this isnt gonna work but I gave it a chance because I didnt really have any other options. To my suprise some of the exercises are really helpful like I have figured out that if I dont avoid situations that make me nervous then I can take some of the power away from the fear. I know its gonna take alot more time and energy but im pretty hopeful im gonna learn to manage this shit and be able to live the life I think I deserve.

Fear of monsters in the closet is an early stage of the human psyche / ego / separate self.

"A monster's gonna get meeeeee, ma!"

"There's no such thing as monsters, honey."

"But I'm scared of them, mama!"

"Are you scared of your *toy* monster with the silly roar?

"No mommy... it isn't a *real* monster, it's plastic".

"What are you so scared of, honey?"

"I don't knowwwwwww... I'm just scared it'll get me".

The child's fear of big ugly monster hiding in the closet, is the child's desire for small, pretty, comforting mom who's right here with me.

The problem is *time*.

The child says "I got scared of the monster, and wanted you here with me.

What really happened is that the child felt a desire for her, and got scared.

Desire is an invasion of awareness by the psyche/self. It is foreign to
awareness, to reality. It should not be there at all, ever. It is "time", which does not exist. It is falsehood.

Desiring (lacking) what isn't present right now is utterly foreign to reality.

The sense of lack, of something missing, is the monster hiding in the closet that the child is afraid of.

Suddenly, "Absolute Presence" felt an absence. Something was missing. Something wasn't right. Reality was no longer real.

That was the monster hiding in the child's closet.

"60 Questions People Don't Ask Survey"

When's the last time you ran? Earlier today, trying to get across the street without getting hit by a car

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? No, if they did I would think about getting a new pair of jeans...

]What are you dreading right now? February 29th...

Do you celebrate 420? If by celebrate you mean smoke pot, then yeah, but I don't wait for April 20th at 4:20am and pm that I plan my day around it...

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? When I have the time to do so... Just kidding, I'm a pretty hardcore insomniac!

If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? Ummm, smoke up, order take out Japanese food, play video games and watch Netflix Streaming...

Who last grabbed your ass? My sexy girlfriend

Have you ever been on your school's track team? Nope, not much of a runner

Do you own a pair of Converse? No currently

Did you copy and paste this survey? Of course I did

Do you eat raw cookie dough? I've never baked cookies from scratch.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? I have punched one

Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? Yes it's quite annoying as well as censorship and the fact that the record companies are in bed with the record label so they basically buy air time

Do you watch Trading Spaces? I think I used to sadly...

How do you eat oreos? Twist them apart, lick the side with the frosting and put the cookies back together, dunk in milk

Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? I think so... when I was younger

Are you cocky? I don't think so, no

Could you live without a computer? I don't think so, no

Do you wear your shoes in the house? Just flip flops or slippers

Who or what sleeps with you? My girlfriend and my 2 dogs

At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? I think I always kind of knew

How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? 3

What do you do when you're sad? I do drugs when I am sad.

Who would you call first if you won the lottery? An accountant. And my girlfriend to tell her the news also...

Last time you saw your best friend? I saw her right before she went to bed!

Are you in high school? Nope I'm in college

What jewelry are you wearing? I am not wearing any jewelry at the moment

Is anyone on your bad side now? Not that I can think of

What's the first thing you do when you get online? Check my e-mail

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? No, ZZZzzzZZZzzz

How do most people spell your name? Les-LIE

Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? If I felt like it, yes

Where do you work? Nowhere yet

What are you doing tomorrow? Selling gold

Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? Not really

Favorite name for a girl? I don't know

Favorite name for a boy? Joshua or Ari

Will you keep your last name when you get married? I may be a hyphenated weirdo

When was the last time you left your house? Earlier today, around 5pm

Do you return your cart? No, my supernarket is ghetto

Do you have a dishwasher? No, I wsh

What noise do you hear? The television in the background

Would you survive in prison? I don't think I could mentally survive but probably physically

Who is the youngest in your family? My younger brother

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely overpack? To be honest, probably me...

Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Nope

What's the last thing you purchased? Some drugs

Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? Only recently

What brand are your pants right now? Old Navy

Ever been to Georgia (the state)? I have not

What irritates you most on the internet? When my wifi doesn't work, haha

What brand is your digital camera? Sony

Do you watch movies with your parents? I used to

What song best describes your life right now? Crazy

Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? Nope

Are you taking college classes right now? Not this semester

Do you like sushi? I LOVE SUSHI

Do you get your hair cut every month? I haven't had my hair professionally done since my 21st birthday... and I am 25...

Do you go online everyday? Usually

Will you pass this survey on to 5 people? Nope,haha

fuck these are good had me rolling hard 8(8(8(

I do, occasionally... whether out loud or via an "internal dialogue" -- what's the (real) difference?

And I do when talking to others, too. And hear myself answering through their mouth.

It's all in the definition of "oneself", perhaps. I am consciousness. Nothing complicated or hard to figure... everyone is, eh?

Peace...

I really hate my situation right now. I'm going back to school in less than two weeks, and I just cannot imagine going there sober. I always had at least a few bars of Xanax in my pocket. One in the morning to chill me out, and then Id space another bar or two throughout the day, just to get over that afternoon hump.

I was at my outpatient program today, and my babe of a counselor brought up the topic of sex. A topic I really hate. Everyone went around the room, talking about how great sex is, or how they love sex but can't committ, bla bla bla bla. I couldn't stand it. all I could think of, was how I could care less about sex. Fuclk, give me drugs and I'll go celibate the rest of my life, I truly think I could do it.

The thing is, that sex, even at its best, for me is no comparison to drugs. It does not even BEGIN to make up what drugs do for me. In fact, I'm so shallow, that the idea of having sex with anyone who isn't just perfect enough, seems repulsive.

The way I look at sex, which I related in my group therapy, is that it's like shooting cocaine. There's an intense rush, followed by a crash, which leaves you feeling helpless and pathetic, suicidally existential. But at least with cocaine, you're left alone to crawl up into a fetal position and cry, whereas, when you fuck someone you really don't like too much, you have to pretend you care. You have to cuddle up and spoon with them, faking intimacy, and all the while wondering how you can get them to leave.

Sex can be good. I had one meaningfull relationship in my life, and the sex was great, (still no speedball, but definately as good or better than amphetamine). But in the end I feel it damaged me in the same way that drugs did. Maybey not physically,but emotionally. Now I'm a suspicious cynical bastard, and I'd rather not put myself out on the line, just to get run down again.

I guess I should feel blessed. Relationships seem to be the main focus in most peoples minds, but for me it's not. I could hardly give a fuck about having a girlfriend anymore. The thought of committing to someone seems like some kind of imprisonment. I definately got that idea from my father

So these very thoughts were running through my head during my outpatient, and when it came my turn to speak, I sort of went on a rant, similar to the bullshit above this paragraph.

Everyone just sort of sat there quiet when I was finnished talking, probably thinking "god what a dismal view of life." And at that pont I began to feel a wave of hysteria come over me. I really felt like I was on the verge of crying. Because as I expressed myself, in complete honesty for the first time in this program, i realized that I was just kidding myself. I love drugs, and I'd love to fuck myself with a fat shot of whatever right now.

I've called this blog a spiritual blog, but it isn't really. That's just the closest term I could use to find to describe it, as in a way it does have a focus.

The material discussed in this blog is negating to the psyche/self, and its polarized emotional roller-coaster ride of up/down, good/bad, joy/sorrow, pain/pleasure, hope/despair... its quest for the end of the rainbow, and its bleak and dismal fears.

It points consciousness/awareness beyond the psyche, like a collection of signs on the road that aren't noticed clearly, but the driver subconsciously remembers where they point to.

People have had some weird reactions to my posts in other forums, fwiw, although it isn't common. Occasionally it's even delayed, as though what was read was forgotten, yet not forgotten.

A few get angry, as though they're been attacked, although they weren't even mentioned. Or mildly depressed, feeling like life is worthless. Negative feelings are the most common, for reasons I won't get into in this post.

They *do not* have the ability to mess up anyone's life, nor do they have the ability to enlighten anybody -- but they can sow seeds, drop breadcrumbs, flash road signs, topple matchbook fences standing on end.

P.S. by sensitive, I *don't* mean "emotionally hurting or depressed people may be affected".

I mean that thoughtful, sincere readers who have some degree of inkling that "life just isn't working, something is wrong with how I take things to be, or myself to be" may be affected, regardless of emotional tendencies.

IMO, bluelight is a truly awesome and fitting place to post subject matter of this nature. "Enlightennext magazine" or "Buddhist online review" or "ClearConsciousness Yahoo group" are examples of the most utterly unfitting and pointless places. People already know all about this stuff. There's no room for it there. No one is listening.

There is a timeless, non-located realm of pure Being containing no self and no others -- only unconditional fulfillment, contentment, intimacy and peace. It is completely still there, unfathomably deep and silent, eternal, immaculate, undisturbed. Only love survives there -- nothing else.


Peace...

Note -- this one is a deeper exploration... read at ur own risk.

The psyche (or self) 'sees' pairs of opposites in isolation, rather than in relation, because it sees itself in isolation.

It is a 'self' -- "it" "self" - a knot, a stuckness, an identity.

It is single-sided; an attempt to take (and hold) a side.

This attempt binds it to the side it does not want.

To search for meaning in life is to live in meaninglessness. To search for wealth is to live in poverty. To search for surety is to live in doubt. To search for pleasure is to live in pain. To search for love is to live in lovelessness. To search for truth is to live in falsehood.

The self seeks to change, grow and improve, and that keeps it right where it is.

It is the 'me' -- the "incoming" direction. See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal me. Listen to me. Look at me when I'm talking to you. Trust me. Grant me serenity. Pay me. Obey me.

The self, psyche, 'me' is looked at by the eyes of others, but does not see them.

It sees what they are looking at -- an other -- and believes it is seeing them.

It is spoken to by others, but does not hear them. It hears what they are speaking to -- an other -- and believes it is hearing them.

It seeks love, attention and acceptance from others, but does not receive them. It receives more of its own nature instead. Emptiness, meaninglessness, hopelessness, uselessness, pointlessness, etc.

And never understands that this is its nature because it does not exist.

The incoming direction ('me', self) is other. It isn't there.

The outgoing direction ('you', other) is self. It is.

(more to come)...

Sometimes the heart just knows what it wants. And it's not what you expected.

I don't know how to deal with this. It's like the situation with my ex. I'm desperately trying not to feel, and the more I try not to... the stronger it gets.

I don't know what to do.

With all seriousness... there's a remote chance this could unite someone with the universe, imo.

If it does, don't thank me... thank yourself. You're the one whose words these are ;-).

****

A deeper understanding of how the human psyche works helps one to see its inherent falsehoods, and thus to transcend it.

The psyche (self) works in pairs of opposites, and the usual view is that everything has 'self-nature'... every opposite is itself, and never the twain shall meet.

Each side of every pair of opposites is assumed to exist on its own, in isolation, so to speak:

If self dies, others would still be alive and enjoying life and self would be gone. ("other" exists in isolation -- other is other, regardless if self is there).

If all others (and the world they live in) went away, self would be walking the earth in desolation, isolated and alone ("self" exists in isolation -- self is self, regardless if other is there).

If all existence vanished, there would be only non-existence, emptiness, nothingness. ("non-existence" exists in isolation -- non-existence is non-existence, even without existence there).

If only this boring, empty, meaninglessness ended, I would have a life at last, I could truly live ("existence" exists in isolation -- existence is existence, without non-existence there).

I don't have enough new toys... I need to get more STUFF. ("presence" exists in isolation -- presence is presence, even if no absence is there).

I don't have anything, don't care about anything, don't want anything. Something is missing, lacking... my life is empty and unfulfilled. ("absence" exists in isolation -- absence is absence, even if presence isn't around).

See the pattern?

This is the emotional self, the human psyche. It feels real, but it is not real, nor is it based on rationality. It goes far deeper than the surface mind, in fact tends to drive the surface mind.

And it is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of reality.

**********

Beyond the mind/psyche, where both 'self-nature' and self dissolve, the dualities complementarily equate. They are NOT themselves (today, heheh). They *are each other*.

Let's look at this more closely:

* "You don't know what you've got, until it's gone". Absence is not absence -- it's presence.

No thing is present, unless/until it is absent. Thus, one doesn't ever actually have anything, because you only really "know you had it" when it's gone (ownership/self/gone). If you don't really know what you've got until it's gone, you don't need anything at all (desire/self/gone).

* "I didn't know what I was missing 'til I saw it with my own eyes". "I didn't know how much I needed you 'til I heard your voice". "I just got here... man, how I missed you!" (meaning I feel the lack now). Presence is not presence -- it's absence.

No thing is missing, unless/until it is there. Thus, one cannot ever have anything, because the moment you get it, it is missing (as a desirable, owned thing). If no thing is missing 'til it's THERE, no thing is ever missing. why seek anything? (desire/self/gone).

* "Treat me right". "Don't I look good today"? "What do you think of me NOW?".

Self is not self, it's other. "Self" is an object (body-mind/other) that wants to be looked at, spoken to, well thought of, handled with care, not abused, treated right.

If self is an other (object, bodymind seen by subject(s)) -- *poof*.

I'll forget me if you will. Drop me like a hot potato. Ignore me. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Hell, I never liked me either. Time to forget me, this thingamabob that wants admiration, respect, love, service and never gets a goddamn thing... is childish, demanding and empty. IT ISN'T MYSELF. It's an other.

* "You are so beautiful to me". "I think of you day and night". "You're so SELF-righteous". "You're so self-ish". "You're so mean to me, you treat me like (an object). "You think SO highly of yourself, don't you?".

Other is not other, IT'S SELF.

"Other" is a self (non-object) that is loved, is sought out, is self-righteous, can be very self-ish, that I (other/object) want to be respected and liked by, seen by, thought about by and treated well by.

If other (anything 'other' that isn't me, e.g. the universe) is self, is oneself (one Self) -- BOOM.

Let's have a look at "objective reality" -- the notion that the universe is there, separate from any observer, and that if there were no conscious observer, the universe would still be there -- thus, there are objective, measurable, quantifiable laws that are true in the absence of any observer.

In other words, the observer is relative, these laws are absolutes, and they can exist in the absence of any observer.

There's just one problem: "absolute" is relative to "relative".

What is a dependent observer (who has postulated objectivity) dependent on -- if the universe is truly independent of them?

What is an independent universe independent of, with no subjective observer in it?

OK, let's overlook this for a moment. All observers are now gone.

With no observer anywhere in the universe at any point in history, every universal law is true everywhere in the universe, throughout all eternity, despite the fact that all of them have been discovered on Earth during a 100-year or so timespan.

Let's re-insert an observer the size of the universe into the observer-independent universe. "Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light". Except when this observer reaches down to scratch his balls, and covers Earth to Andromeda in 0.5 seconds.

Whew. OK, an infinitely tiny observer. A single fundamental particle gazes out at the big bang (where the atom next door starts) and calculates it's been 8 billion years since.

Take 'em out, and stop overlooking the obvious: Existence requires nonexistence to mean something, and nonexistence requires existence to mean something.

Absolute requires relative to have meaning, and relative requires absolute to mean anything.

A subject requires an object to be a subject, and an object requires a subject to be an object.

No. Independent. Existence.

http://www.buddhistdoor.com/oldweb/bdoor/archive/nutshell/teach9.htm

Let's have a look at "objective reality" -- the notion that the universe is there, separate from any observer, and that if there were no conscious observer, the universe would still be there -- thus, there are objective, measurable, quantifiable laws that are true in the absence of any observer.

In other words, the observer is relative, these laws are absolutes, and they can exist in the absence of any observer.

There's just one problem: "absolute" is relative to "relative".

What is a dependent observer dependent on -- if the universe is truly independent of them?

What is an independent universe independent of, with no subjective observer in it?

OK, let's overlook this for a moment. All observers are now gone.

With no observer anywhere in the universe at any point in history, every universal law is true everywhere in the universe, throughout all eternity, despite the fact that all of them have been discovered on Earth during a 100-year or so timespan.

Let's re-insert an observer the size of the universe into the objective universe for a moment. SH*t... take them out, quick!! ;D.

Whew. OK, an infinitely tiny observer. A single fundamental particle gazes out at the big bang (where the atom next door starts) and calculates it's been 8 billion years since.

No observers again.

The speed of light is 186,000 miles/second. Observed at no time in history, over no period of time, from no distance to any other distance, because there is no observer in existence.

I really don't think we can take the observer out of the equation 8( .

Science is based on the belief (not the truth) that consensus proves truth. Quite honestly, it is not that different than religion in this regard.

I respect it, but it is limited; one's personal existence goes on, regardless of what science discovers, and one has to deal with one's personal reality.

To go beyond science (and religion, too) is to transcend consensus reality; to transcend consensus reality is to transcend its converse, individuality.

It's been called "ego death", and it is beyond description.

Let's resort to science for a moment; "my reality" is in my brain. "Your reality" is in your brain.

I have never contacted an "other brain", an "other consciousness". Even to read someone's mind directly would have those thoughts arise in my own.

If "ultimate reality" (not able to get past it because it is occurring in my brain) is subjective, then objective reality is ultimately subjective, as is objectivity itself.

At this point, where objectivity vanishes, subjectivity dies too; both objectivity and subjectivity fall on their faces; they are transcended.

What remains is unspeakable, has never been spoken, and never will be. From such a perspective, one reads "livescience.com" and sees bits, pieces, fragments and specks being declared as truth, until the next fragment is declared as truth tomorrow, then the next, then the next. And understands, and is not critical, and reads with interest, observing the broken, fragmented collective consciousness and its endless efforts to make wholeness of fragmentation, its inability to understand and its staunch refusal to die as a scattered collection of pieces and be one.

***

Hope springs eternal; perhaps tomorrow's scientific discover(ies) won't ever be disproved or superceded; this is the truth!

The eternal hope that a single piece, a fragment, could ever be the truth, despite the Church's history and the fragment "God" presented as "objective truth".

The inability or refusal to recognize that Truth is always-already-the-case, here and now, was always true, is true now and always will be true -- for us all.

Peace (and 42/God)...

The mind typically fits everything into its self-story. Is this 'me' or is this not 'me'? Is it 'me' to do this, or not? Is it 'me' to hear that sound, or view things that way? Is it 'me' to walk this way down the street? Is it 'me' he sees? Does she love me? Will she take care of me? Why me? Don't you trust me? etc.

Non-self-story reality belongs to other, relates to other, is other. Self-story reality belongs to me, relates to me, and is me.

Self is "incomingggg..."... either a bomb if I'm screwed, or a gift if I'm lucky.

Other is "outgoinggggg"... either a bomb if I'm lucky, or a gift if I have to.

There is a fundamental and irresolvable contradiction to the above. Bombs seem to keep coming in, and gifts almost never. Why me? Damn you, I'll bomb you, and withhold my gifts! That'll fix you. Then you'll give me gifts and stop sending bombs my way! You didn't! I'll bomb you and stop giving you anything!

The "incoming" direction is the false one, and is based on taking oneself as a center, e.g. the center of the universe. It is based on a non-verbal misunderstanding of reality that is not easily explained, but could be worded thus:

"You can see me, see who I really am, and I can see you, see who you really are, and you are standing outside of me, looking back at me".

The above statement appears completely true to the mind, and is as false as purple polka-dotted wicked witches of the west, in truth. I'll leave it to the reader to investigate, if desired.

I find it (talking to myself) cathartic and a relief at times that can lead to euphoric resolutions.

Click to expand...

I agree it can be so, and this is so because there is no genuine difference between talking to oneself, and talking to others.

I emphasize "genuine", meaning the same one is thinking the thoughts that are heard, whether spoken by one's own mouth, thought about, or spoken by another.

What is this leading to, my words here?

There are variations in pitch, volume and quality; variations in apparent perspective; the same consciousness hears. It is the eternal listener, the eternal seer.

It has never been seen. Thus, it is its exact content, from moment to moment. There is nothing else.

Clarity on this will relieve it of you .

Peace...

Hi All,

This blog-space is dedicated to my spiritual insights... thoughts on spirituality, ego death, transcendence and the like.

My thoughts are your thoughts, in my view, since the one reading them right now, is the one reading them.

And yours are mine, since the one reading them when read, is the one reading them when read.

They are encountered in/as awareness, or consciousness. I espouse here a principle so simple, obvious and unconditional that it is beyond thought.

Yet it is the truth. There is no other.

Peace...

The Other Side, Diaphenhydramine Hydro-chloride... Dph, the active ingredient in Sleep Aids, Dramamine, and Benydril... Is classified as a deliriant.. Its adverse effects on the human brain creates a world of delusions... Parnaioia, Eyes as big as saucers, Odd train of thought..., Around 300mg, around 600 mg, the effects range from daydreaming a wide variety of complex set of screenplay... Open eye vissuals consist of "Dancing cords" dark static, similar to the oppisate of a lightning bolt... A strange, sort of somewhat off feeling, as well as unusual bits of radio discussion or perhaps a secret im not supposed to hear, since i can bairly make out any words in their whispers besides my own name... This is what i call "The Other Side". welcome to the world of Dramamine, Strange music occasionaly is hear in which for the life of me i cant figure out who its made by... Around the 1000mg threshold everything is merly a dream... it is but impossible to even grasp my door handle... At this time, i swear it to be true, people were stairing right back at me and whispering... i constantly was losing my train of though, and if their was much of any thought, it was a rather unusual pattern at that... i droped my imagary cigaret... then spoke to no one there.... At this time i had recorded a video of my actions... as well as a audio recording of my voice, by this time it was 3rd hour, and i had forgoten what existance is itself... blacked out.. sarah said i was typing my email address to the schools computer... i was like all confused, she left for a book ands i just simply wandered off, at this point, a teacher of mind had reported seeing me in their shop class, i began talking in weird phrased stains of context, he reported i was asking to use the ban saw, he repeiativly told me no and just to sit down, at that time i just began to change the desks and chairs around, at this point both the principal and a police officer excorted me to the office, i was in the hospital under close observation for a day, then 5 days in bellen psychiatric facility... The other side, both unusal and not to be done in public, i learned this the hard way...


http://soundcloud.com/tonicstructure/overdose

i find myself much more enthusiastic about everything,

maybe the hole i hit set me this way, and as horrible as it was at the peak i learned a damn good amount about myself

getting shit done, going to get my license on thursday, going to go out to god knows where today and meet some good people. fuck a moderate work-out, im going to push towards intense nd get this slab of fat off of me

so happy to be alive.
:D :D :D

So... I saw F at the bus stop today. I see the way we keep a distance between us. It maddens me a bit. We've teased out our life stories and still when we're in the same place we can't seem to find a level. It's like if I am on Facebook, I can see him sitting online, but I'm just too scared to talk to him. From previous experience he isn't very responsive. Unless it's 3am... and I'm brave...

After my ex there's really not been any guys that I've found any kind of connection with apart from F... and I find it really frustrating how he can be so intimate with me in some ways and be so distant in others. From what I know we're pretty similar as people so one level I understand... but how often can this go on the way it does... the way it sparks. He can hold me at arm's length but still goes out of his way to find things in common.

I guess if it was "right" then it wouldn't be like this. I'm getting too old to be playing games like this. I met him too soon after my ex and the timing was off. I need to be honest about it with myself because I still carry a wee torch after all this time.

Sometimes it feels like I'm always going to feel this sad and empty.

So good overcame bad and the bad guy got punished then we all lived happily ever after....

Or something of the like. Friday the police called and told me they had charged the bad man with harassment. Awesome news!

Today I attend to meet my rescheduled bail and am given a sheet of paper telling me 'charges refused' no further action! Also awesome news!!

I spent the whole day today contemplating how it is bizarre how reality turned out so far from what I expected, the good guy never comes first and the bad guy almost always gets away with it! And I think that's what he was counting on.

So tonight I am celebrating by getting high and watching doctor who whilst eating dib dabs. Excuse the awfulness of this word but BOOYAH!

Ive taken often to excess most of the usual drugs over the years:

Alcohol: This drug fucked me over way more then any other. I was a regular drinker since i was i dunno 14 maybe and i didnt stop until i was 21. The reason i stopped was i knew id have a job to make it to 30 if i kept it up. I really took to alcohol in a way i have never done so to any other drug. I wasent happy until i was basically in that alcoholic oblivion.

Cannabis: Ive smoked hash, weed, hash oil, or kief since i was 12 years old. I started smoking regularly when i was 14 and i smoked it pretty much everyday. Weed was just a everyday thing because everyone i knew smoked it as often as they could. I did take a few breaks over the years and when i got in my mid 20's i stopped smoking it for awile because it just made me feel too introspective. But over the past 2 years or so ive been smoking it again and i smoke it pretty much everyday. So yeah im a pothead too

Opiates: I have used most opiates/opioids right from propoxyphene up to fentanyl. I mostly take morphine now and am trying to lay off the IVing. I have been pretty heavily addicted to shooting up both morphine and dilaudid and it did cause me some problems. It hasent caused me nearly as many problems as ignorant doctors and undertreated pain has though.

Benzos: The only benzodiazepine i really got addicted to was temazepam. I would abuse the living shit out of those pills and mixthem up with clonazepam, valium, oxazepam or lorazepam. I have had a clonazepam script for a long time now but ive never had any problems with that drug at all and it works wonders for me. Clonazepam is one drug that did me wonders because i had such bad anxiety i couldnt function before i went on it.

Stimulants: Ive eaten alot of dextroamphetamine to the point where i thought i was going to die of a heart attack and this happened on a few occasions. Ive stayed up for 4 days straight on it but it does not make me nearly as crazy as coke does. With coke i usually smoke crack or IV the stuff and crack is bad enough but IVing coke is awful. Doing shots every 5 or 10 minutes if fucked. I loved doing morphine and coke speedballs too. I have spent many a night hitting the dirty auld pipe but thankfully i never got hooked.

Psychedelics and Dissociatives: Ive taken mybe close to 100 shroom trips since i was 14. I went really overboard on them when i was a teenager. I only did LSD maybe 10 different times or something. I also smoked salvia twice and holy fuckin jesus that was just fucked. Gotta say it was interesting though. I havent had any bad side effects at all from psychs. As for dissociatives ive tried nitrous, ketamine, PCP and DXM. I love nitrous and ketamine there 2 of my fav drugs. i went through a phase where i took DXM maybe 50 times in a few months and i did like it. Thankfully it didnt fuck with my brain any.

So i would say despite how many drugs ive done and how much of my DOC's i use im not in bad shape. Im in better shape then i would expect to be thats for sure 8(