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this is a great combo. although dont plan on getting much done cuz your mind will tend to slip all over the place.

If you have found yourself stumbling over an unidentified substance that may cause extreme hallucinogens or trip-like experiences, you NEED to sit, down, take 10 mins, and truly experience a different world, imagine the work, effort, time, mental strain and mental intelligence that has gone into creating the, Jelly Trip Experience ... even in a sober-state, let yourself get sucked into this amazing, alternate reality, a place of the unknown, unexpected, and never prepared, and yet completely engulfing, simply, AMAZING!

http://youtu.be/btVGCqpIoyk

small note, change settings to highest quality, even it takes a few extra moments to load see ya later!
If the link doesnt direct you, search Jelly Trip Experience 3D computer art in youtube, should be rainbow looking... thick malleable (able to formed/moved in different ways, bendable/flexible ,jsyk) matter/ substance... may appear to be a thick slime/ goo-looking... stuff, but glowing, extremely colorful... trippy!

25b (NBOMe) White power, completely natural, (compound of rocks, salts, and minerals,hallucinogen) most efficient when snorted. Trip takes less than 10 mins to feel it completely, realistically about 5 mins, hits very unexpectedly. 8( This is currently legal in the US, but can easily be mistaken for other more common white powers.
The experience lasts about 10 hours, the come-down usually lasting about 6-8 hours. This does not show in any substance tests, (piss, blood, hair) but does cause severe hallucinogens , and Very dilated pupils. for brief moments, you could experience cold sweats, burning up, dizziness, motion sickness (sometimes causing unexpected vomiting), confusion... by the time you are fully in the trip, most side effects are gone, except changing in body temperature, back and forth, hot and cold and your eyes will remain dilated most of the experience. Vision is enhanced, colors dont appear as they are.
This is a VERY powerful compound, not for beginners, def DONT do this by yourself, (HIGHLY recommend avoiding unless seasoned tripper). Sense of time ceases, usually seeming longer than normal. 25b opens up the mind, allowing the user to think about things on a deeper level than just the surface meaning, sometimes cause emotional distress..03-.05 mg is a safe experience, for those more daring, .05-.7 is an intense trip, (not for beginners)
For those who have experience 25b, .09-.14 is a VERY EXTREME trip, those who try it MUST BE STRONG MINDED. This should not be taken daily, once weekly is the most frequently is should be used, the body does build up a tolerance leaving reoccurring experiences less intense (needed higher doses to feel the same intensity), it is a natural compound (hitting hard and fast). Do not try any public endeavors while on 25b, (avoid the public, stay indoors, in a COMFORTABLE environment. 25b can not be detected in the body so one could easily consider another to be crazy, insane, or mental unstable or unsound). The simplest trigger could turn this into a very bad ,very longgggg 8( trip! The first dose casues the most extreme visuals, any consumption after leaves you with more of a body trip, tho some visuals will persist though the entire duration of the experience. If nothing else, this compound SHOULD NOT BE UNDER ESTIMATED!
after thought... this experience is in the mind, although the substance is in the body, all of the effects are caused by the mind, do not freak out, expect the unexpected. for those who have tried 25b and are comfortable in the experience 100% of the time (yes 100% !!!!) look into 25i, the trip is 5x as intense, and has the same side effects, duration, and extremity based on the dosage. I would highly recommend .05 mg or less when you first experience 25i. NEITHER of these are intended for everyone, do the research BEFORE you take it!

Well, for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I've had a fucking solid day.

I've been taking this introductory course to Asian Philosophy, and we've been going over Hinduism, which I've been finding really interesting. There's this idea that humans are pretty much blinded to reality, that we get so caught up in superficial problems and ideals, that we really only see a small fraction of the human experience.

I've never thought of myself as being especially "spiritual", but this particular concept strikes me as being true.

Most days, I am a quiet person, who keeps to himself, and gets lost in both worry and fantasy. I'll see a Levis or Calvin Klien billboard, and torture myself with endless self contained conversations, all concluding with "In a culture like this, I was destined to lose from day one!" Very melodramatic, very boring.

But then there are days like today, where there's some kind of crazy, spontaneous energy that just shoots through me. I feel more than alive, I feel like some kind of God.

I had two and a half hours to kill in between classes, so I stayed on campus through my break. I met up with some friends outside, and I had a smoke with them, and took a walk around the block when they went back up to class. After three cigarette's, I decided to go into the cafeteria to eat my peanut butter sandwich, and do some drawings.

I sat down and pulled out my sketch book, and just began jotting down everything in sight. I was jumping from one person to the next, looking straight at them, marking each contour with a quick thrust of the wrist. Each line by itself was nothing but a meaningless abstract form, but as they piled on top of each other , they formed a single, convincing illusion. It didn't feel like drawing, it felt like some kind of insane dance, and I became entranced.

Every word I spoke was poetry. I was cutting, I was perceptive, I was articulate, and I felt intelligent. I talked and people listened. I walked, and people followed. (okay, there's a little exaggeration going on here)I got into this bizarre argument over whether Christianity was the cause of the decline of intellectualism and art in Rome and Constantinople, and I won!

I left school feeling connected, plugged in. I was confident in my friendships, I felt solid in my feet. And I didn't stop to worry about how this "up", would eventually come down.

And now I'm sitting here typing this, about to go to bed, and I still feel that clarity. It's not as sharp or bright, but it's still there. In the days to come, I have no doubt that I'll sink back at times into long periods of resentment and apathy. I'll perhaps look back at this post and think, "shit, who was I kidding?" But I know that there will also be more days like this, where everything's just dead on.

Yes, that's right, I'm back in school.

And it's going surprisingly okay.

My friends are happy that I'm back, and it seems that most of them thought that I had died last term. But like the christ, I rose from my tomb, and when they doubted me, I dared them to stick their fingers into my track marks, and like Thomas, they too were convinced, and fell to their knees begging for my forgiveness.

It's a great feeling to be able to draw from a nude model again. These past months I've mostly been doing portraits of passengers on the train, and small illustrations for my friends band. What amazes me, is how I seem to have actually improved with my figure drawings, which was something I feared that I would fall behind in, as I didn't have access to people who were willing to throw off there clothes for me to study every fold, bend and crook of their bodies. But art is about observation, and I've been observing a lot.

When you draw from life, it's kind of a tripped out experience, because in order to really capture the likeness of a human being, or anything for that fact, you have to see the form objectively. You have to throw out all you're biases and stereotypes (do you like this person, are they ugly, are they beautiful...) and see you're subject for what it truly is, a physical body sculpted out of light and shadows. You have to view the world as if you're not from this planet, or from any planet at all. You need to be reborn, and see through the eyes of an infant.

But while seeing things objectively is great, I also believe that to make truly great art, you have to translate you're objective observation, into a subjective illusion. It's easy to draw hideous things and make them look "cool". I see kids at my school do it over and over again, drawing demons, dragons, witches, fuck I do it myself. But a true challenge is to draw something hideous, beautifully. If you don't know what I mean, check out Mathias Grunewalds crucifixion piece, Mantegna's "Dead Christ", or pretty much anything by Goya.

When art is not made with love, it is telling. And Christ almighty, I could use a Xanax.

Hey swim got a hold of some 18 mg hydromorph contin capsulses(yellow)
Swim has had the 12 mg capsules before and they are relevantly full of beads but the 18 mg capsulses appear to be less than half full is this normal or fid swim get ripped?

first couple times i rolled i would drink and blackout there's nothing fun about that but then last new years i was rolling hard on some of the best pills Ive ever had8( then went to drink this 1 drink i had and i swear i could just feel it killing the hit in my body
and i always see cunts wrecking there roll by smoking weed at least wait till the rolls over

Thankfully sanity has kicked in. My heart drifted like a helium balloon for a while... but it's back in my chest and I am going to be fine.

I let seeing F sway me for a while. Thankfully I'm strong enough inside that I was able to understand that I had my chance with him and it didn't work because the timing was just off. I test myself by seeing how I feel when I see how many females he speaks to on Facebook... and then I feel that horrible painful feeling that I get when I start to feel shit about myself. That's how I tell I'm not ready. People like Colm, even Jim that I met... I don't get that horrible emotional pain with them... so I think it's probably sensible that I stick with people like them rather than pining over a very tentative "what could have been"...

The wounds of losing my ex must be healing a bit... I feel a bit more rational. I want to spend time with friends a bit more. My confidence is coming back. I'm past the yearning grief stage again. Normally I get this far and I tumble back into the obscurity of the pain I hold inside... the wound opens and darkens like an abyss... I can't let that happen again. It sometimes feels like every time I get back up something knocks me back into that place and it's clear that I can't go there again.

When you try to break a habit you expect it to snap easily... but this is more like bending plastic back and forth until it weakens so much that it disintegrates. I need to keep bending this habit of falling back until I snap... and am set free.

Plucked up the courage to speak to F on facebook earlier...

We had a really cool chat

It's not anything, but I am so proud of myself for being brave enough to try. He's a really cool guy.

Hit me again, do you feel like a man? Always on the run, are you having fun? You never shut up unless your dope sick and when you're not i could care less if you chocked on a dick. Who are you to take an innocent young girl and introduce her to Satan's sister. Sweet Lady H, the little bitch. I use to miss her. When you would slam the door and walk out again i would slam the needle and nod out again. Why i did it all, only God knows. I guess i numbed everything i was scared to show. I wanted to let you know how i felt but your sister kept me so far away from feelings. You said you loved me, but you put her about move. Oh sweet Lady H, the rush you gave me running through my veins, calling my name, making me fucking insane. But i've made my rounds, im done with the both of you. Ive danced with the devil and ive fucked him too. So many times i've tried to hold onto the sleeve of your arm, but all i got was broken promises, lies and fist fights. I thought I loved you, but nah fuck you. I'm done with you, and you're sister too. You dragged me down as a team, making me scream when neither of you were there for me. But as the days go by and i clear my mind without either of you here, i realize im better off. I know you're still out there tieing off, so ill say a little prayer and hope to God he will have mercy on you for all the things you have never wanted to become.



To make a long story short, a boyfriend and I were addicted to heroin, he was horrible to me, and so was the drug. I wrote this May 20, 2011 when i was in a program called Teen Challenge(which i recommend to any addict). I finished the program, and relapsed 3 months later. I am still in my addiction but i know God is faithful to get me out once again.

Now how the fuck do I slow my heart rate down to go to sleep and no I dont have any benzos

I woke up picked up a friend and drove around a while, I dropped em off and took a wrong street leaving me far across town. I got back home abit late and my dad was already in a bitchy mood since we were going to be about 10 minutes late to my driving test appointment.

So I had to hear his shit until I basically told em to fuck off, I mean he called me irresponsible, how often does he take notice of all the shit I do properly and on time, but the one time I fuck up even just a little, he's on it.

Anyway he finally shut his mouth for a short while after before he found something else to bitch about, I don't know, he's extroverted-its a god damn nightmare being around him- u don't know wut extroverted means until uve been around my dad nigguh, for the most part- shit seeps out of his mouth and nobody listens.

I get the forms done and head over to the driving test area. This lady, who is the instructor, is already in a bitchy mood, hating life and all the fucks in it. (She screams at my dad to stay in the car, car was washed so windows were up)

So I go, driving like a boss- as always- and she starts taking notes, I am fully aware of my surroundings and yet she marks me down for not taking note of my surroundings, gee I didn't know u had to twist ur fucken neck around exorcist style just to make it obvious enough for her to take note.

I admit, some turns were too short and I did stop too close to another vehicle but the bitch exaggerated. She told me at the end that at one point she was ready to pull the handbrake because she was afraid I was going to hit the other cars- I should've fucken hit them and started fucking convulsing just to fuck with her head

I got 31/15 allowed mistakes, better luck next week.

Nonetheless:

• When's the last time you ran? Last summer. Bunged my knees nicely too. Can't run anymore
• Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? None that I wear outside of the house.
• What are you dreading right now? Off the top of my head, nothing. My Aunt is going through a round of heavy chemo, and I'm worried for her-- that's kind of the same thing.
• Do you celebrate 420? Maybe twice in my life. Maybe more often unintentionally. Don't really smoke any more.
• Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? Between 7 and 8 usually. I operate best with 9.
• If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? Does not compute. If I'm entertaining, there'll at least be some nuts/olives/dips, drinks, and either a cool movie, conversation or croquet.
• Who last grabbed your ass? Grabbed? Can't for the life of me recall. Felt up? A lady friend
• Have you ever been on your school's track team? Ha! Nope. Didn't get into fitness until late Uni.
• Do you own a pair of Converse? Actually, yes-- but they don't look like Chucks or anything.
• Did you copy and paste this survey? Of course.
• Do you eat raw cookie dough? Used to. Loved to, actually.
• Have you ever kicked a vending machine? Probably.
• Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? I haven't listened to commercial radio in years.
• Do you watch Trading Spaces? I don't watch TV.
• How do you eat oreos? I don't anymore, but when I did I'd just pop them in my mouth and chew them.
• Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? Yup. But then again, I basically live online.
• Are you cocky? Bwhahahaha!
• Could you live without a computer? I predate the internet, but have had a computer since I was 2. I could, but they're my connection to the world.
• Do you wear your shoes in the house? No, although I'm supposed to-- orthotics. What am I, a savage?
• Who or what sleeps with you? Nothing.
• At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? Don't recall. I was young though. Kept pretending though, for the benefit of my younger siblings.
• How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? One cell and an old-timey 'touch tone' that works as my entry buzzer. It looks like a rotary phone, but with buttons instead of the rotor.
• What do you do when you're sad? Mope.
• Who would you call first if you won the lottery? Dunno. I never play it, so I don't think about stuff like that.
• Last time you saw your best friend? 2 or 3 January-- he's on the other end of the country for school. We chat daily though.
• Are you in high school? Ha! No. Look at my join date.
• What jewelry are you wearing? None-- I don't really wear jewelry.
• Is anyone on your bad side now? Nope.
• What's the first thing you do when you get online? Turn on my chat client, and check my email/FB messages.
• Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Nope. Can't stand it. My sister loves it though
• How do most people spell your name? The non-diminutive way.
• Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? She'd need to be pretty big, or be okay with the clothes being stretched to hell and back.
• Where do you work? A small medical device development company.
• What are you doing tomorrow? Working, practising flute, a short workout at home, then BL.
• Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? No. Not even close.
• Favorite name for a girl? Nienor.
• Favorite name for a boy? Samwise.
• Will you keep your last name when you get married? Kind of a moot point. I'd be keen on taking a hyphenate though.
• When was the last time you left your house? This morning.
• Do you return your cart? I don't usually use a cart, but when I do I always put it back.
• Do you have a dishwasher? Yes, thank jebus!
• What noise do you hear? Computer fan and The Simpsons.
• Would you survive in prison? Probably not. I'm too pretty and not at all violent.
• Who is the youngest in your family? Nuclear family? My brother. Extended? My niece.
• If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely overpack? Me. I suck at travelling light.
• Do you know anyone with the same name as you? First? Tons.
• What's the last thing you purchased? Ummm, groceries on Sunday, I think.
• Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? Usually not-- we can all afford to pay our own way. We'll spot each other for group gifts though, but we always square up.
• What brand are your pants right now? Um,Lululemon loungey sweats.
• Ever been to Georgia (the state)? Ummmm, no. Why on earth would I ever go there?
• What irritates you most on the internet? I'm going to agree with spork: swim. That, and just the general level of ignorance in comment threads-- in general, BL is different, of course.
• What brand is your digital camera? Point and shoot: Canon, DSLR: Nikon.
  Do you watch movies with your parents? Haven't in ages. We don't generally like the same sorts of films.
• What song best describes your life right now? Ummmm, I don't know.
• Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? I don't know how expensive it is, but I have cologne, yes.
• Are you taking college classes right now? Nope.
• Do you like sushi? It's one of the very few animal foods that I miss.
• Do you get your hair cut every month? Every six weeks or so.
• Do you go online everyday? Unless I'm camping, yes.
• Will you pass this survey on to 5 people? Silly survey-- it thinks it's a chain letter!

I've been thinking about my friend Paula, who died at the end of last year, a lot... just missing her.

I found a log of all of our old chats on Facebook last night and I came across this. I've copied it and pasted it directly, removed her surname and didn't correct her typos as that's one of the things I loved about her:

"Paula 'Red'

then upwards is the way to go....i think i got to a stoopid fucked up depressed point and i thought i can easy be a dead dea person or i can continue being a living dead person or i could try being a iving living person 1st"

I feel teary every time I read it. So bloody poignant.

"Paula 'Red'

ah you sound like me when i was comig up to 30.....by the time i was 33 my life was amazing and completely different....i gave up trying so hard and went with new experiances....had my 1st kid at 33 second at 37 i am 44 now not with their dad (hes one of best mates) and i have ended up dating the guy i used to fancy when i was 13 (he doesnt know that though)life can be a bitch if you let it pull you under.....be brave and jump into the void lovely xx"

One of her many messages of solidarity when I went through the pre-30 crack up.

"Paula 'Red'

in native american tribes crying bathing rain were all thought of as cleansing your body and soul....it was known as water healing not as a weakness but a way to rid from the body dirt you dont need

so do i i am a pisces with 7 houses in pisces i am the softest of the soft...trust me i have to tell my kids off from a different room cause their wee faces woud stop me"

Just something she said that sticks with me.

I spoke out loud to her for ages last night when I was feeling a bit sad about her being gone. I wish she was still here. I wish she hadn't of drank so much. I had no idea she was so bad that it would kill her. She put so much inspiration in me.

i have been taking loperamide for maintenance for several months now. after reading up on maintenance drugs such as LAM, i would have to say it is a mix between that and methadone. loperamide is great because i can go three days maybe even four if i had a benzo or two, without redosing. this is great bc constipation is horendous when using lope daily.anyway, today i took 65 mg of hydrocodone and 500 mg valerian root caps. the last time i dosed lope was three days ago at 60 mg. i would say that it hit me hard, like taking 100 mg of oxy. not sure if it was the valerian or lope residual

Yea so my mom informs me that were going to Chicago for Christmas. IIm really excited its gonna be my first chance to try heroin outside the south. I have read so many stories and blogs from people on here about scoring in the open air markets. Im kinda scared being from the south I bet my accents gonna be a big tip off and damn its gonna be cold. Oh well from what I have read getting shit should be easy if I can just figure out the logistics I will be golden.

Anyway yea Im using dope pretty much every weekend now then rolling back to subs during the week. Its wierd going back to the subs hasnt been as painful lately as it used to be. Im alot more at peace right now then I was last year. Like I know its gonna be bad but I think I may be able to hold together a little better this time. Its gonna break my moms heart. fuck

I dont know what to write this entry about so many things are happening at once in my life and I dont know what I should share and what I should keep private. I have had some swollen lymph nodes in my kneck for a few months and over the last two weeks I have seen a few doctors each one reffering me to another till now I have an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist next week. I found out I dont have hep c I dont know how thats possible I shot up with the same needle as someone who said he was infected and why would you lie about that?
Anyway that seemingly good luck was shocking cause that narrows the list of what could be wrong with that oncology word scarring the fuck out of me. I have a really strong urge to go crazy shooting as much dope as possible as quickly as possible but its being tempered by the thought that if I play the game I may be able to survive and get some nice scripts out of the deal. Thats how fucking sick I still am thinking of the fentanyl patches and dillauded that could be in the mix. Ive never told anyone this but when I was a senior in high school I told everyone my wisdom teeth hurt just to get the painkillers I knew the surgery would entail. I dunno I feel like it cant be true I cant have cancer im always wrong about these medical things its a shitty time to start being right.

Im ok right now I got some xanax and plenty of bud to drown my nervousness but its the first thing I think about every morning and the last I think about at night. I havent told anyone in my life except my parents cause I dont want to end up being fine and people thinking I just want attention or some shit plus I am not ready to acknowlege the reality. Im gonna be in denial till I cant be no more. This whole thing has really numbed me life has become kind of sureal ill be thinking this could be my last time to play basketball or go walk in the park im thinking I should be going balls out to get a girl cause I might not get another chance things like that. I dunno im kinda lost right now im gonna write more about this soon as I can process it a little more.

Lifes going pretty good right now. I tripped on some really good liquid L last weekend out in the forest camping. At first I was having a difficult trip thinking about my relationship with my parents and how much money im costing them in college just feeling guilty for being such a failure. But sometime during the trip I felt this sense of calmness come over me, like it wasnt any big revelation or anything I dont really even remember how it happened but the feeling has stayed with me since that night. I feel like I have some swagger and it feels really good.

I have also been working on my social anxiety with my phych for about month now he gave me this workbook that has a bunch of questions and exercises in it. At first I was like this isnt gonna work but I gave it a chance because I didnt really have any other options. To my suprise some of the exercises are really helpful like I have figured out that if I dont avoid situations that make me nervous then I can take some of the power away from the fear. I know its gonna take alot more time and energy but im pretty hopeful im gonna learn to manage this shit and be able to live the life I think I deserve.

Fear of monsters in the closet is an early stage of the human psyche / ego / separate self.

"A monster's gonna get meeeeee, ma!"

"There's no such thing as monsters, honey."

"But I'm scared of them, mama!"

"Are you scared of your *toy* monster with the silly roar?

"No mommy... it isn't a *real* monster, it's plastic".

"What are you so scared of, honey?"

"I don't knowwwwwww... I'm just scared it'll get me".

The child's fear of big ugly monster hiding in the closet, is the child's desire for small, pretty, comforting mom who's right here with me.

The problem is *time*.

The child says "I got scared of the monster, and wanted you here with me.

What really happened is that the child felt a desire for her, and got scared.

Desire is an invasion of awareness by the psyche/self. It is foreign to
awareness, to reality. It should not be there at all, ever. It is "time", which does not exist. It is falsehood.

Desiring (lacking) what isn't present right now is utterly foreign to reality.

The sense of lack, of something missing, is the monster hiding in the closet that the child is afraid of.

Suddenly, "Absolute Presence" felt an absence. Something was missing. Something wasn't right. Reality was no longer real.

That was the monster hiding in the child's closet.

"60 Questions People Don't Ask Survey"

When's the last time you ran? Earlier today, trying to get across the street without getting hit by a car

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? No, if they did I would think about getting a new pair of jeans...

]What are you dreading right now? February 29th...

Do you celebrate 420? If by celebrate you mean smoke pot, then yeah, but I don't wait for April 20th at 4:20am and pm that I plan my day around it...

Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? When I have the time to do so... Just kidding, I'm a pretty hardcore insomniac!

If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? Ummm, smoke up, order take out Japanese food, play video games and watch Netflix Streaming...

Who last grabbed your ass? My sexy girlfriend

Have you ever been on your school's track team? Nope, not much of a runner

Do you own a pair of Converse? No currently

Did you copy and paste this survey? Of course I did

Do you eat raw cookie dough? I've never baked cookies from scratch.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? I have punched one

Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? Yes it's quite annoying as well as censorship and the fact that the record companies are in bed with the record label so they basically buy air time

Do you watch Trading Spaces? I think I used to sadly...

How do you eat oreos? Twist them apart, lick the side with the frosting and put the cookies back together, dunk in milk

Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? I think so... when I was younger

Are you cocky? I don't think so, no

Could you live without a computer? I don't think so, no

Do you wear your shoes in the house? Just flip flops or slippers

Who or what sleeps with you? My girlfriend and my 2 dogs

At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? I think I always kind of knew

How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? 3

What do you do when you're sad? I do drugs when I am sad.

Who would you call first if you won the lottery? An accountant. And my girlfriend to tell her the news also...

Last time you saw your best friend? I saw her right before she went to bed!

Are you in high school? Nope I'm in college

What jewelry are you wearing? I am not wearing any jewelry at the moment

Is anyone on your bad side now? Not that I can think of

What's the first thing you do when you get online? Check my e-mail

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? No, ZZZzzzZZZzzz

How do most people spell your name? Les-LIE

Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? If I felt like it, yes

Where do you work? Nowhere yet

What are you doing tomorrow? Selling gold

Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? Not really

Favorite name for a girl? I don't know

Favorite name for a boy? Joshua or Ari

Will you keep your last name when you get married? I may be a hyphenated weirdo

When was the last time you left your house? Earlier today, around 5pm

Do you return your cart? No, my supernarket is ghetto

Do you have a dishwasher? No, I wsh

What noise do you hear? The television in the background

Would you survive in prison? I don't think I could mentally survive but probably physically

Who is the youngest in your family? My younger brother

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely overpack? To be honest, probably me...

Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Nope

What's the last thing you purchased? Some drugs

Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? Only recently

What brand are your pants right now? Old Navy

Ever been to Georgia (the state)? I have not

What irritates you most on the internet? When my wifi doesn't work, haha

What brand is your digital camera? Sony

Do you watch movies with your parents? I used to

What song best describes your life right now? Crazy

Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? Nope

Are you taking college classes right now? Not this semester

Do you like sushi? I LOVE SUSHI

Do you get your hair cut every month? I haven't had my hair professionally done since my 21st birthday... and I am 25...

Do you go online everyday? Usually

Will you pass this survey on to 5 people? Nope,haha

fuck these are good had me rolling hard 8(8(8(

I do, occasionally... whether out loud or via an "internal dialogue" -- what's the (real) difference?

And I do when talking to others, too. And hear myself answering through their mouth.

It's all in the definition of "oneself", perhaps. I am consciousness. Nothing complicated or hard to figure... everyone is, eh?

Peace...

I really hate my situation right now. I'm going back to school in less than two weeks, and I just cannot imagine going there sober. I always had at least a few bars of Xanax in my pocket. One in the morning to chill me out, and then Id space another bar or two throughout the day, just to get over that afternoon hump.

I was at my outpatient program today, and my babe of a counselor brought up the topic of sex. A topic I really hate. Everyone went around the room, talking about how great sex is, or how they love sex but can't committ, bla bla bla bla. I couldn't stand it. all I could think of, was how I could care less about sex. Fuclk, give me drugs and I'll go celibate the rest of my life, I truly think I could do it.

The thing is, that sex, even at its best, for me is no comparison to drugs. It does not even BEGIN to make up what drugs do for me. In fact, I'm so shallow, that the idea of having sex with anyone who isn't just perfect enough, seems repulsive.

The way I look at sex, which I related in my group therapy, is that it's like shooting cocaine. There's an intense rush, followed by a crash, which leaves you feeling helpless and pathetic, suicidally existential. But at least with cocaine, you're left alone to crawl up into a fetal position and cry, whereas, when you fuck someone you really don't like too much, you have to pretend you care. You have to cuddle up and spoon with them, faking intimacy, and all the while wondering how you can get them to leave.

Sex can be good. I had one meaningfull relationship in my life, and the sex was great, (still no speedball, but definately as good or better than amphetamine). But in the end I feel it damaged me in the same way that drugs did. Maybey not physically,but emotionally. Now I'm a suspicious cynical bastard, and I'd rather not put myself out on the line, just to get run down again.

I guess I should feel blessed. Relationships seem to be the main focus in most peoples minds, but for me it's not. I could hardly give a fuck about having a girlfriend anymore. The thought of committing to someone seems like some kind of imprisonment. I definately got that idea from my father

So these very thoughts were running through my head during my outpatient, and when it came my turn to speak, I sort of went on a rant, similar to the bullshit above this paragraph.

Everyone just sort of sat there quiet when I was finnished talking, probably thinking "god what a dismal view of life." And at that pont I began to feel a wave of hysteria come over me. I really felt like I was on the verge of crying. Because as I expressed myself, in complete honesty for the first time in this program, i realized that I was just kidding myself. I love drugs, and I'd love to fuck myself with a fat shot of whatever right now.