I dont know what to write this entry about so many things are happening at once in my life and I dont know what I should share and what I should keep private. I have had some swollen lymph nodes in my kneck for a few months and over the last two weeks I have seen a few doctors each one reffering me to another till now I have an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist next week. I found out I dont have hep c I dont know how thats possible I shot up with the same needle as someone who said he was infected and why would you lie about that?
Anyway that seemingly good luck was shocking cause that narrows the list of what could be wrong with that oncology word scarring the fuck out of me. I have a really strong urge to go crazy shooting as much dope as possible as quickly as possible but its being tempered by the thought that if I play the game I may be able to survive and get some nice scripts out of the deal. Thats how fucking sick I still am thinking of the fentanyl patches and dillauded that could be in the mix. Ive never told anyone this but when I was a senior in high school I told everyone my wisdom teeth hurt just to get the painkillers I knew the surgery would entail. I dunno I feel like it cant be true I cant have cancer im always wrong about these medical things its a shitty time to start being right.
Im ok right now I got some xanax and plenty of bud to drown my nervousness but its the first thing I think about every morning and the last I think about at night. I havent told anyone in my life except my parents cause I dont want to end up being fine and people thinking I just want attention or some shit plus I am not ready to acknowlege the reality. Im gonna be in denial till I cant be no more. This whole thing has really numbed me life has become kind of sureal ill be thinking this could be my last time to play basketball or go walk in the park im thinking I should be going balls out to get a girl cause I might not get another chance things like that. I dunno im kinda lost right now im gonna write more about this soon as I can process it a little more.
Anyway that seemingly good luck was shocking cause that narrows the list of what could be wrong with that oncology word scarring the fuck out of me. I have a really strong urge to go crazy shooting as much dope as possible as quickly as possible but its being tempered by the thought that if I play the game I may be able to survive and get some nice scripts out of the deal. Thats how fucking sick I still am thinking of the fentanyl patches and dillauded that could be in the mix. Ive never told anyone this but when I was a senior in high school I told everyone my wisdom teeth hurt just to get the painkillers I knew the surgery would entail. I dunno I feel like it cant be true I cant have cancer im always wrong about these medical things its a shitty time to start being right.
Im ok right now I got some xanax and plenty of bud to drown my nervousness but its the first thing I think about every morning and the last I think about at night. I havent told anyone in my life except my parents cause I dont want to end up being fine and people thinking I just want attention or some shit plus I am not ready to acknowlege the reality. Im gonna be in denial till I cant be no more. This whole thing has really numbed me life has become kind of sureal ill be thinking this could be my last time to play basketball or go walk in the park im thinking I should be going balls out to get a girl cause I might not get another chance things like that. I dunno im kinda lost right now im gonna write more about this soon as I can process it a little more.
