I really hate my situation right now. I'm going back to school in less than two weeks, and I just cannot imagine going there sober. I always had at least a few bars of Xanax in my pocket. One in the morning to chill me out, and then Id space another bar or two throughout the day, just to get over that afternoon hump.
I was at my outpatient program today, and my babe of a counselor brought up the topic of sex. A topic I really hate. Everyone went around the room, talking about how great sex is, or how they love sex but can't committ, bla bla bla bla. I couldn't stand it. all I could think of, was how I could care less about sex. Fuclk, give me drugs and I'll go celibate the rest of my life, I truly think I could do it.
The thing is, that sex, even at its best, for me is no comparison to drugs. It does not even BEGIN to make up what drugs do for me. In fact, I'm so shallow, that the idea of having sex with anyone who isn't just perfect enough, seems repulsive.
The way I look at sex, which I related in my group therapy, is that it's like shooting cocaine. There's an intense rush, followed by a crash, which leaves you feeling helpless and pathetic, suicidally existential. But at least with cocaine, you're left alone to crawl up into a fetal position and cry, whereas, when you fuck someone you really don't like too much, you have to pretend you care. You have to cuddle up and spoon with them, faking intimacy, and all the while wondering how you can get them to leave.
Sex can be good. I had one meaningfull relationship in my life, and the sex was great, (still no speedball, but definately as good or better than amphetamine). But in the end I feel it damaged me in the same way that drugs did. Maybey not physically,but emotionally. Now I'm a suspicious cynical bastard, and I'd rather not put myself out on the line, just to get run down again.
I guess I should feel blessed. Relationships seem to be the main focus in most peoples minds, but for me it's not. I could hardly give a fuck about having a girlfriend anymore. The thought of committing to someone seems like some kind of imprisonment. I definately got that idea from my father
So these very thoughts were running through my head during my outpatient, and when it came my turn to speak, I sort of went on a rant, similar to the bullshit above this paragraph.
Everyone just sort of sat there quiet when I was finnished talking, probably thinking "god what a dismal view of life." And at that pont I began to feel a wave of hysteria come over me. I really felt like I was on the verge of crying. Because as I expressed myself, in complete honesty for the first time in this program, i realized that I was just kidding myself. I love drugs, and I'd love to fuck myself with a fat shot of whatever right now.
I was at my outpatient program today, and my babe of a counselor brought up the topic of sex. A topic I really hate. Everyone went around the room, talking about how great sex is, or how they love sex but can't committ, bla bla bla bla. I couldn't stand it. all I could think of, was how I could care less about sex. Fuclk, give me drugs and I'll go celibate the rest of my life, I truly think I could do it.
The thing is, that sex, even at its best, for me is no comparison to drugs. It does not even BEGIN to make up what drugs do for me. In fact, I'm so shallow, that the idea of having sex with anyone who isn't just perfect enough, seems repulsive.
The way I look at sex, which I related in my group therapy, is that it's like shooting cocaine. There's an intense rush, followed by a crash, which leaves you feeling helpless and pathetic, suicidally existential. But at least with cocaine, you're left alone to crawl up into a fetal position and cry, whereas, when you fuck someone you really don't like too much, you have to pretend you care. You have to cuddle up and spoon with them, faking intimacy, and all the while wondering how you can get them to leave.
Sex can be good. I had one meaningfull relationship in my life, and the sex was great, (still no speedball, but definately as good or better than amphetamine). But in the end I feel it damaged me in the same way that drugs did. Maybey not physically,but emotionally. Now I'm a suspicious cynical bastard, and I'd rather not put myself out on the line, just to get run down again.
I guess I should feel blessed. Relationships seem to be the main focus in most peoples minds, but for me it's not. I could hardly give a fuck about having a girlfriend anymore. The thought of committing to someone seems like some kind of imprisonment. I definately got that idea from my father
So these very thoughts were running through my head during my outpatient, and when it came my turn to speak, I sort of went on a rant, similar to the bullshit above this paragraph.
Everyone just sort of sat there quiet when I was finnished talking, probably thinking "god what a dismal view of life." And at that pont I began to feel a wave of hysteria come over me. I really felt like I was on the verge of crying. Because as I expressed myself, in complete honesty for the first time in this program, i realized that I was just kidding myself. I love drugs, and I'd love to fuck myself with a fat shot of whatever right now.
